Dallas, Texas
Reliving the experience she'd had just a couple of days ago, the steady churning in Pam's stomach only intensified when she finally heard the words she'd been dreading, "the tests have come back, you're pregnant".
"No, I can't be pregnant", stammering, she was in complete disbelief.
Cracking a smile, Doctor Miller corrected her statement, elaborating on the details, "you can, and you are, I'd estimate about six weeks".
"But how? And please, don't say human error, I know myself better than to believe that", considering how careful she'd been, she just couldn't believe she was hearing the news she was. Bobby wanted children as soon as possible, but she didn't, and her thoughts about that had never wavered, not even for a day.
"We can't rule out the possibility of human error or even apathy, expecting it won't happen to us, but there are other options too and in your situation you may want to consider the impact travel has on our bodies, from time zone changes and jetlag to unfamiliar foods and illnesses". Answering her question, offering several alternatives to the idea that she'd simply forgotten to take a pill or two, the way Sue Ellen apparently had, Doctor Miller's final suggestion was what resonated with her.
"Travel?" having become quite familiar with life outside Dallas since meeting Bobby, she dreaded to think that something so exciting had led her to this moment.
"Yes. I know you recently returned from Paris, but before that, did you happen to travel across a time zone? Perhaps mid to late March?" correctly picking that she'd left Dallas a little over a month and a half prior, Doctor Miller suddenly made complete sense.
"Mhm, to Hawaii, on my honeymoon", thinking back, she had experienced three of the four things Doctor Miller mentioned regarding travelling; she'd taken a day or two to adjust to the four hour time difference between Dallas and Hawaii, experiencing some change in personal schedule and minor jetlag, as well as a bout of illness due sunstroke.
"Well, I think you have your answer", likely unable to pinpoint which factor was responsible for her current predicament, Doctor Miller seemed satisfied that it was at least one of those factors considering she had in fact been travelling in the window she'd estimated conception in.
"I'm going to have a baby", speaking more to herself than Doctor Miller, the words didn't sound real to her, nor did they feel good to say.
"Congratulations", wishing her well, the doctor seemed to forget every one of their previous encounters, overlooking that she'd not exactly expressed joy at the possibility of becoming a mother anytime soon.
"I don't feel…" panicked, her words trailed off as the heat in the room became unbearable, her vision blurred, and breathing became more difficult.
"Mrs Ewing?" hearing the doctor saying her name, she found focusing on anything difficult let alone actually verbalising how she was feeling.
"It's ok, please, lie down and I'll get you some water", assisting her, Doctor Miller's tone was soothing; lying down wasn't going to change the situation she was in, but it did help resolve a couple of the symptoms she was experiencing.
"Thank you", accepting the glass of water offered to her, she sat up slightly to sip it before lying down again to close her eyes for a few moments.
"Would you like to talk about it?" noting that her reaction thus far had not been that of a happy woman, the doctor empathetically offered her a friendly ear.
"I'm scared", whispering a couple of words, she summarised part of how she was feeling, though 'scared' didn't even begin to cover the other part of how she felt. The only positive thing about her situation that was coming to mind at present was that Bobby was leaving later with Jock, JR and Jack to go hunting for the weekend, so she had a few days to compose herself before she inevitably broke down again.
"That's natural, most women don't know what they're getting themselves into when they find out they're expecting, you're not alone in feeling that way", attempting to reassure her, the doctor's words sounded to her like there was an expectation that eventually, when the shock wore off, she'd be happy about the news, the problem was, she wasn't sure she would.
"It's not that, well, it is, but it's everything else too", thinking about it, she couldn't completely say she knew what being a parent was like, but she had at least a bit of an idea from growing up with her cousin Jimmy and now being around John Ross to know that it wasn't something she wanted to rush into. She liked babies and children well enough, but she had so many other things she wanted to experience before she dedicated herself to thinking about diapers, pureed food and milestones. She had the advantage of being a Ewing now but she knew from experience that nothing in the Ewing family was simple. Bobby was coming around to her working and Jock tolerated it, but she had no doubt that the moment either man found out she was expecting, what independence she did have would soon be over and expectations for where, why, and how she spent her time would be set. Sue Ellen had as much or as little help with John Ross as she wanted at any given time, but there was no question that her life revolved around being a wife and mother, something she couldn't necessarily commit to. She didn't want to settle down, she wanted to have fun with Bobby, have fun with her friends, and explore where her job could take her.
"I'm listening", smiling, Doctor Miller encouraged her to elaborate on what she meant when she referred to 'everything else'.
Sitting up, she sipped her water again before taking a breath and attempting to explain what was going on in her head. "Well, I finally have a job I love and my husband is supportive of me pursuing, and I feel like we're beginning to find our feet in being married, not just together and I really wanted to enjoy that before we decided to change everything by having children. On top of that, my sister-in-law was just recently in an accident where she lost a baby and she told me that she felt guilty because she had previously said she wasn't sure she wanted more children, and I don't believe that just thinking something can make it happen, but what if it does? What if my hesitancy now marks me as unworthy of a healthy baby?"
Listening to herself talking, she really didn't like the way her thoughts sounded aloud, and with that, the first of many tears began to fall.
To be continued…