Dallas, Texas
Gently rejecting Bobby's attempt to take their reunion encounter further, rolling onto her back on her side of the bed and pushing him away with little force when he tried to join her, Pam winced when he addressed the situation directly.
"Pamela, what is it? This isn't like you and it's starting to worry me", brushing her hair from her face, he didn't touch her in any other way. He was right, it wasn't like her to say no to his advances when they were on otherwise good terms, especially not considering they hadn't seen each other for two days. It wasn't that she wanted to cool things down between them permanently, she just really couldn't concentrate on welcoming him home right now, not when she had the weight of the world on her shoulders.
Rolling over, she sat up, grabbed her robe and got out of bed, walking away from Bobby to look out the window. He had a right to know why she was acting the way she was, he was her husband and the father of the baby she was carrying, but the moment she told him what was on her mind, the moment everything would become real. Bobby wanted a baby, Jock and Miss Ellie wanted another grandchild, and Sue Ellen, the one person she'd previously found empathetic to her thoughts about wanting to wait to have children, now felt completely differently; she was alone in how she felt and she wasn't ready to play happy expectant mother, not yet, not when she felt the opposite.
"Pammy?" walking up to stand behind her, Bobby refrained from touching her again, though she could hear in his voice that he wasn't fond of that course of action.
"Do you remember on our honeymoon when I was unwell and you were convinced I needed to see a doctor but I said I didn't and I'd be fine?" staring out the window, she broached the subject from a different angle. She didn't want to tell him yet but she had to, she wouldn't be able to hide it for much longer.
"Oh no…" assuming the worst, his reaction wasn't surprising. He loved her and she was being vague, of course he was going to think she was ill or perhaps even dying.
Feeling guilty on top of anxious, she turned around to reassure him, stroking his cheek, "I'm not sick, not yet anyway".
"Not yet?" sounding relieved, he looked her up and down, as if to try and work out what was wrong with her if she'd thought it important to mention needing to see a doctor if she wasn't sick.
"Maybe in a few weeks", avoiding saying the words, she hoped he'd figure out from inference what she was talking about, although she knew it was unlikely considering everything she'd ever said to him about starting a family.
"Pammy, I'm confused", shaking his head a little, he certainly looked confused, charmingly so.
"I'm pregnant", saying it, she felt exactly as she'd expected to feel, not relieved, just more anxious. He was handsome and caring though and he deserved the truth, even if it was difficult to say.
"You're…" looking her up and down again, he sounded as if he couldn't believe it and appeared to be thinking perhaps he hadn't heard her correctly.
"Pregnant, yes", confirming the news to him, she still didn't feel any better about the long-term future, however short-term his reaction did help.
"I love you", sounding reverent, he stared at her silently for a few seconds before kissing her softly and then showing his true feelings, letting out a delighted whoop, pulling her into him and picking her up to hold her tightly.
"When… How…?" happy he was happy, she still couldn't say she was exactly thrilled, however his elation was a little infectious and she did giggle a little at his speechlessness in asking for more details when he finally put her down.
"I saw the doctor last week, she ran some tests and here we are", still in shock at how quickly things had developed, she gave him a brief explanation.
Nodding along, Bobby's next question was one she'd thought a lot about lately, "where does our honeymoon come into it?"
"That's where it happened. I don't know if it was the time difference in when I took my pill or that when I was sick anything I'd consumed in the hours previous ended up down the drain, but whatever it was, there was opportunity and that opportunity took", unsure herself, she told him what she knew to the best of her knowledge.
"Amazing", whispering, he touched his palm to her abdomen, something she'd done countless times since she'd found out, though she'd never done it with the same joyful outlook he appeared to have.
"How do you feel?" asking the question she presumed she'd soon be hearing a lot of, she wasn't sure what to make of his curiosity, but she knew she'd never have such a good opportunity to answer honestly as she did now.
"I'm terrified", admitting her true feelings, she wasn't particularly surprised when she didn't immediately feel any different. This was a problem that sharing wasn't going to solve, nothing could solve it.
"Oh Pammy", sounding sympathetic, he pulled her in close to him.
Comfortable in his arms, she murmured her thoughts into his shoulder, holding back tears as she did so, "it's just so soon".
"I know it's sooner than we anticipated, but it's going to be wonderful", attempting to reassure her, his words only reemphasised to her that they held very different opinions.
"We just had so many plans", trying to picture their lives a few months from now had been difficult enough with Bobby's intention to move them to College Station, an idea she'd never been fond of, but now she could barely even picture what she'd look like when that time came, let alone how different everything would be.
"We can still do everything we want to do", sounding confident, she assumed his mentality came from a lifetime of thinking that way and having it be true.
"Travelling the world?" thinking mostly of her job and how excited she'd been during and after her trip to Paris, she couldn't forget too that Bobby had always said he'd take her anywhere she wanted to go. It wasn't that having a baby meant she could never travel anywhere ever again, it certainly wasn't true for Sue Ellen, it was just, everything was so very different with a baby and she wasn't ready for that to be her life yet.
"Honey, you didn't let me whisk you off on a long vacation even before you knew you were pregnant", chuckling, Bobby sounded like he was attempting to lighten her mood a little, but all it did was make her feel wistful and regretful.
"I know", admitting he was right, she felt glum.
"The offer is still on the table. Say the word and we can leave, get away from here", proposing the idea again, his offer was tempting, the fact was though, changing scenery wasn't going to improve her situation, carrying a baby was not something she could leave behind in Dallas, take a break from and return to with a clear mind.
"I'd love to, but it's not just that. You know how I feel about work right now, and somehow I doubt that it'll be the same after the baby is here, nothing will", faced with the opportunity to do two wonderful things she found it difficult to focus on them knowing that eventually she'd be faced with no choice at all. Sue Ellen wasn't tied to her home, she travelled, she had a friend or two and did activities that didn't involve John Ross or JR, but first and foremost she was a wife and mother, her place in the family was set and she rarely deviated from the path laid out for her. She saw her future in Sue Ellen's present and as much as she liked her sister-in-law and nephew and could see herself enjoying her lifestyle eventually, she wasn't ready to commit to that just yet, unfortunately though, she didn't have much choice.
"I expect it'll be different, yes", stating the obvious, Bobby didn't say much about her working or their travelling together, good or bad, just that it would be different, and she knew that to him, different meant good.
"It's everything you wanted", accepting that he was never going to understand exactly how she was feeling, she made a point to let him know that she understood how he felt. He was excited, he was allowed to be excited, she wished she was, but she wasn't.
"It is, but I never wanted to make you feel miserable", giving her a half smile, he confirmed he was happy, but he didn't want to feel that way at her expense.
"Miserable makes me sound so dramatic", matching his half smile, for a brief moment she felt lighter and less worried, able to laugh at the way he was describing her.
"You're pregnant, you're allowed to be dramatic", grinning, Bobby leaned down and kissed her again, clearly enjoying that she'd let go of her sullenness, even if just for a moment.
"I'm not sure I'll ever get used to hearing that", still getting used to saying the word, it was just as strange to hear it, especially coming from her husband, he said it with such delight, as opposed to Doctor Miller's more professional, matter-of-fact tone.
"What? That you're pregnant?" doing his best to tone down his excitement and sound sensitive to her feelings, he didn't quite succeed, though she couldn't blame him, he had no more control over how he felt than she did over how she felt.
Nodding, she confirmed that his assumption was correct.
"I'm sure you'll get used to it, I can't wait to say it at any opportunity", thinking ahead, he didn't seem to understand that she just wasn't as sure as he was and she wasn't sure she ever would be.
"Speaking of…" starting to speak, she trailed off as she realised she wasn't sure how to articulate that she wanted to wait before they announced their news. She was still early in her pregnancy but between anticipating morning sickness and food aversions and it being perfect swimming weather, she wasn't confident that one of her new in-laws wouldn't notice and question her soon anyway, removing any sort of control she might have over the narrative.
"What's wrong?" touching her cheek, he didn't even try to guess what was going on in her head, it was probably far too confusing.
"I'm nervous about telling everyone, making it known, answering questions publically that I can't even begin to communicate here with you privately", confessing how she felt, she didn't specifically say which questions she was anxious about, but she imagined he could guess. He knew she was terrified, that she was far from excited about becoming a mother, surely he could understand that announcing their news was daunting because she wasn't ready to pretend everything was wonderful and perfect, not when she'd barely come to terms with her real feelings.
"You mean with your family?" sounding like he understood, Bobby missed the mark completely when he addressed her concerns, seeming to forget that his family were far more inquisitive about their lives than hers were.
"I meant Jock and Miss Ellie, they'll be expecting me to be as excited as you are, and I'm just not. As far as my family goes, I'm not worried about Cliff, he took the news of our marriage about as well as can be expected, my daddy on the other hand, I haven't spoken to him since I told him about our wedding and you know how well that went". Being honest with him, she still didn't feel any better after sharing her feelings. The truth was, she still wasn't convinced a baby was a good thing for her and just the thought of bringing more people into the discussion made her feel sick.
Running his hand through her hair to rest on her cheek, Bobby still looked like he was trying to understand her rather than like he actually understood her, and that reflected in his response. "I don't have the answers, but what I can say is it can wait, it doesn't have to be done today or tomorrow, we have time, don't we?"
"We do. In fact, it's exactly what you wanted, right down to the fantasy of Christmas as a family of three", appreciating that he was listening to her, she knew they couldn't wait forever, but she wasn't asking for forever, just a little while, just enough time to digest the changes that were coming soon.
Lighting up as he heard the timeline they were on, the absolute joy he felt was obvious, especially when despite knowing how she felt, he confidently told her, "it's going to be amazing, I promise".
Realising that he tried his best to understand her, to empathise with her position, but he'd never really be able to comprehend how deeply her feelings differed to his, she felt tears welling up in her eyes as she thought about how nice it must feel to be him right now. He was so secure in the knowledge that he was going to be an excellent father and she wished she felt the same way about her future as a mother. "Can we skip forward to that?" murmuring the words, her vision blurred as the tears began to flow.
"Oh Pammy", wrapping his arms around her, he didn't have to say much, he couldn't say much, all he could do was hold her as she cried, and that's exactly what he did.
To be continued…