Chapter Forty-Six

The sound of a crying baby echoed in Ruth's head. She wasn't sure if it was real or not. She seemed to hear it all the time. She would wake up in the middle of the night, hurrying to the nursery to see to Emmy. More than once, she'd found that the baby was fast asleep and that Ruth had imagined her crying.

Harry was worried about her, she knew. He would always wake up with her and come bring her back to bed. Or if the baby really was crying, he'd sit up with her while she breastfed. But thanks to the complete lack of sleep, they were both starting to lose their minds a little bit.

The fact of the matter was that motherhood was unlike anything Ruth had ever done before. She had no experience with children whatsoever. And she didn't really have anyone who could teach her how to do all these things. Her mother and grandmother were both gone. Juliet was absolutely useless and had not been invited to meet the baby nor had she asked for the opportunity to do so. Thank god for Fiona, showing her things like how to properly swaddle the baby and tricks for breastfeeding and such. Fiona was the most natural mother Ruth had ever seen. She seemed to do wonderfully with Wes. Ruth, meanwhile was quite useless with Emilia.

Oh Ruth loved her baby. Loved her more than anything in the world. But more often than not, Ruth just had no idea what she was doing. She'd been afraid of this, that she wouldn't be good at being a mother. She'd never wanted to, after all, and now it seemed her predictions were correct. She was so tired and so miserable and so utterly hopeless. It was hard to even be happy about anything, what with all the difficulty. Emmy was nearly a month old, and as far as Ruth could see, none of it was getting any easier or making any sense at all.

Thankfully Ruth was given some time off from royal duties. Dad wasn't in treatment again till next month, and Harry had been filling in wherever he could between what Juliet was doing. Ruth wasn't good at the royal things on a good day, never mind being sleep deprived and depressed. Hopefully she could have another few weeks to recover. For now, she would just do her best to forget she was a princess and now her daughter was cursed with being a princess, too.

"What do you think, hmm? Think they'll let me stay here with you forever just like this?" Ruth asked aloud.

She was sitting in the rocking chair in Emilia's nursery, watching her baby in the cot. She could see that the baby was not actually crying, despite the sound in her mind. Ruth kept where she was. She was wary about holding the baby too often, because once she picked her up, it was nearly impossible to put her down. She'd need a feed or a change any minute, surely, so Ruth just left her there for now. She could just sit there and talk softly to her sweet swaddled baby.

"Your daddy's right, you've got my eyes," Ruth remarked with a smile. And it was true, Emilia had big, bright eyes just that same stormy blue as Ruth's. "My eyes are really the only part of me I ever thought was particularly noteworthy. The rest of me is sort of ordinary. Don't tell your dad I said that, though. He has different opinions, but that's just because he loves me. Still amazes me, actually, that he loves me so much. I'm so very lucky. We both are. You're going to be strong and brave because he's your dad. And you've got his beautiful curly blonde hair. But I'm just so glad you've got the best part of me. And as you grow up, I bet you'll be even better than me or your dad ever dreamed."

Ruth was starting to get a little emotional, so she had to stop talking and swallow back the lump in her throat. Oh that baby was absolutely everything she'd ever dreamed of. It was overwhelming to contemplate that Ruth herself had grown Emilia in her body and given birth to this small little thing, a tiny person in her own right.

"I love you, sweet girl," she murmured, blinking back the tears.

A soft knock came at the closed door, causing Ruth to wipe her eyes and clear her throat.

"Come in," she called.

The door opened and a very relieved expression on her husband's face. "Hope I'm not disturbing," he said softly.

"No, not at all. We're just having a little rest."

"Naptime?"

"No, I'm too tired to sleep. If that makes any sense," she lamented.

Harry nodded, crossing over to her. He knelt down beside her rocking chair and she leaned into him. He took her in his arms and stroked her hair and rubbed her back. "I know, darling," he commiserated. "It'll be alright."

Ruth wanted to argue, to tell him he had no idea if it would be alright or not, that he had no business saying things like that. But she had absolutely no energy to pick a fight. She just closed her eyes and breathed in the faded scent of his aftershave where her face was pressed into his neck.

He pulled back just enough to kiss her softly. "How was your day today?"

"Alright," Ruth answered. She didn't have much else to say. She did not know where the time had gone. How was it already late enough in the day that Harry was home from work? Ruth hadn't even managed to shower or change out of her pajamas. "How was your day?" she asked, rather than try to contemplate her own situation.

Harry grumbled in annoyance. He stood up and went to the cot to pick up his baby daughter. Ruth didn't bother to chide him for it. If Emmy got upset and needed something, he'd handle it. He was already better at changing diapers than Ruth was. He was better at most parenting things than Ruth was. She tried not to be bitter and instead forced herself to be grateful that their daughter had a father who was more competent than her mother.

"Bad day?" she asked, taking the grumpy muttering for a sure sign of it.

"It was fine, I suppose. Erin's starting to take more liberties. I'm hoping I can hold onto the job until you become queen, whenever that is, but she's certainly chomping at the bit for it."

Ruth felt for him for that, feeling pushed out of the one thing he actually enjoyed about his life. But she did also feel a twinge of resentment that he was allowed to still have his job while she was precluded from doing anything other than princess-ing. "She's very good. And ambitious. It's only natural she should push for more."

"Yes, I know," Harry responded. "I can't really blame her. I just…well, I miss the old days when it was just you and me running the department."

She smiled sadly. "Yes, me too."

"I'm sorry," he apologized.

Ruth didn't say anything to that. She just sat limply in the rocking chair, watching Harry walk around the room with the baby in his arms.

"Erin's not so bad. But that bodyguard is pushing it," he went on.

That caused a little chuckle from Ruth. It had been over a year since he'd been forced to accept his own personal bodyguard, and he still hadn't fully adjusted to it. Back when they were dating and first married, Tom had been Ruth's bodyguard and served the whole Pearce family until Edmund's death and the forced move to Leister. Now, Adam had taken the family's security very seriously and each one of them had their own guards along with the regular guards for Leister Palace itself. Dimitri had been very good to Ruth and she enjoyed having the former Special Forces officer protecting her. Harry, on the other hand, had been assigned a former Foreign Intelligence officer who was far less focused and serious than Dimitri. And if that weren't enough, the fact that Dimitri had very classic good looks and was at peak physical condition made Harry practically beg Adam to swap his bodyguard with Ruth's.

"Zaf's a good lad. I know he is. He's perfectly competent at his job. He wouldn't have been able to join the Royal Guard if he wasn't. But Christ, does he have to keep making those bloody jokes?" Harry complained.

"What's he done this time?" Ruth asked, placating her whining husband.

"He just chatters all the bloody time. I can't believe I miss Tom being quiet and sullen and silently judgmental. At least he kept it to himself."

Ruth couldn't help but laugh. "Harry, Zaf is wonderful. Be nice to him. To think, I was hoping having a baby would make you less grumpy," she teased.

Harry kissed their baby's forehead. "She does make me less grumpy. When I'm with her. But I've still got to go to work and be driven around by a chatty bodyguard. Security officers shouldn't be so cheerful. It's off-putting," he complained.

"You'd better get used to him, because you know Adam won't let you have Dimitri instead."

"I still think he's too attractive to be spending all his time with my wife," he grumbled.

"Oh hush. It's uncharitable to me to be jealous of my attractive bodyguard."

"Did you just call him attractive?" Harry asked in slight shock.

"He is attractive. But I'm married to you. And that's all there is to it. Alright?" Her voice went a bit more stern than she'd intended, but she was too tired to worry about her tone.

Thankfully, Harry smiled. "Good." With that, he crossed over to bend down and kiss her. Before the kiss could get to heated, however, Emmy started to fuss.

Ruth pulled back. "Give her here, I think she needs to be fed."

Harry put their daughter in Ruth's arms and watched with awe and affection as Ruth rearranged herself to feed Emmy. At first, she'd not really thought much of the way Harry watched her breastfeed. Then she wondered if it was odd that he should be so enamored with the simple act. But she'd landed rather solidly in finding his fascination extremely endearing. She was feeding their child, and he was in awe of it all. Just as she'd told Emmy earlier, Harry loved her very much. Even if it was too incredible to believe sometimes, Ruth knew without a doubt that Harry loved her regardless of sleep deprivation and depression and grumpiness. He loved her no matter what.