Content Warning: Discussions of mental health.
James: Hey, darlin', how're you doing today?
Harper: I'm alright. My appointments went smoothly and I was home and able to start some write-ups before the first cluster hit. How's your day going so far? Are you on break?
James: I am. Today is fine, just fucking cold.
Harper: If you want, you could come over after and I can warm you up. ;)
James: Oh? How do you intend to do that, sweetheart?
Harper: You and me, warming each other beneath the sheets?
Harper: No, but actually I put another blanket on my bed and have my laptop set up so we can watch Netflix in bed instead of on the couch. And you still have that pasta in my fridge.
James: Sounds perfect. Do you have work to do, though? I don't want to interrupt or make things harder on you.
Harper: I do, but I'm honestly having a hard day. Like, I'm feeling really down. Excuse the sappiness, but…
Harper: If it isn't too much to ask
Harper: I kinda need you.
James: It's never too much to ask, doll. Not ever. Are you going to be okay? I can take off now if you need me to.
Harper: No, no, no. I'll be okay. I now have seeing you to look forward to.
James: I love you, Harper.
Harper: I love you, too. 3
Bucky had to remind himself to keep a normal civilian pace as he left the docks to go to Harper's. He knew that she dealt with some type of depression; she'd been relatively open about that. But she was outstandingly high functioning, and also compartmentalized well. It made it easy to forget that her moods were somewhat tenuous and often at risk of plummeting. He understood and could relate in a lot of ways, especially to the feeling of not being particularly stable. Between what he secretly suspected was perhaps a predisposition toward down moods, being separated from her family after an education and career move gone awry, living down the hall from working girls and drug dealers, and dealing with an incurable, unpredictable pain condition… he'd be floored if someone could handle everything without issue.
While most cluster headaches ended in Harper sobbing her frustrations to him and she would occasionally vent about a difficult day at work, it was rare for Harper to truly open up and have a conversation with him when she was having a hard time. Not that he wanted to see her upset, but Harper had a way of explaining her troubles in such a matter-of-fact, detached way. She wore a tough face, even now, and he wished she'd let him in more. He worried, sometimes, that she was suffering more than he knew. He was also, undeservedly, afraid that she didn't trust him enough to confide in him. Of course, he had a great deal he didn't confide in her for no trust-related reasons at all.
He found himself at Harper's door, swinging open to reveal the focus of his musings. She wore black, high-waisted leggings and a plain grey sports bra. Her hair was mussed and looked a little bit like she needed to wash it. Her eyes were slightly swollen and her skin was pallid. She'd clearly been crying not too long before his arrival.
"Hey, James," she sniffled, offering him a weak, wobbling smile. "How was the rest of your day?"
"Fine," he answered absently, blue eyes searching her face with concern. He stepped into the apartment, and Harper closed the door behind him, twisting the lock and the deadbolt. "Darlin' are you alright?"
"Fine," she repeated. "Well, not really, but…"
Bucky slipped his fingers between hers and pulled her gently toward the couch. They sat and he asked, "What's on your mind that's got you so down, Harper?"
Her lip quivered and her eyes turned glassy. "How the fuck can I keep living like this?"
His arms wrapper around her swiftly, flesh hand delicately cradling her head against his chest. "Like what, sweetheart?"
"With this pain," she whimpered. "With this stupid fucking job that depresses the shit outta me, that I struggle to pay my bills off of, away from my family with no idea how I can get back there. But this pain! How can I live the rest of my life dealing with this?!"
"You'll do it the same way you have been. You're so strong, Harper," Bucky reassured.
"I'm not," she shook her head in the negative, burying her face further into his chest. "I'm fucking falling apart, James. I'm exhausted, I'm having shadows a lot more often this cycle, and what if that's the new norm for me? What if I go chronic instead of episodic? There may never be an end to this cycle of getting beaten into the ground, picking myself up, and then – just when I'm getting back to normal – another one creeps up and tears me down again. What's the point?!"
Bucky held her tighter, gently shushing her hysterical tears and pressing intermittent kisses to her temple. He carefully maneuvered her into his lap with her still clinging to him. It took some time, and the fabric of his thermal was damp and sticking to his chest where her face had pressed into him, but her tears did eventually slow. Gently, he admitted, "Darlin', you're scaring me a little. Are you feeling like you… aren't gonna make it through this cycle?"
Harper sat back and scrubbed her hands over her face for a moment. Slowly, from between her fingers, she replied, "It's not that. I'll make it through. I just… it occurred to me that I didn't necessarily have to and it's been a long time since I've thought about that. I was freaking out a little bit. I'm really sorry that I burdened you with this."
"Harper, it is absolutely not a burden. Your wellbeing is important to me, and I hope you know that you can always lean on me for support. I… I don't even want to think about you not being here. If you need me, I'll be here, okay?"
"Okay," she breathed, nodding weakly. She cleared her throat and said, marginally stronger, "I um… I don't like you seeing me this way, but I finally started being active in that online forum I was telling you about, and it's become abundantly clear that using offered supports is vital to getting through this. Especially when your thoughts get really dark. So… are you absolutely sure it isn't too much? I recognize that this is a big ask, putting up with my chronic pain condition and these really low moods."
Bucky's lips twitched upward at the corners. "Doll, I've got a host of issues that you have graciously coped with. We're in this together."
Harper chuckled lightly and nodded her agreement. "Okay."
"So has the forum been helping?" the former soldier asked, lightly brushing the remaining wetness from her cheeks.
"It has," the brunette nodded. "It's nice to talk to other people who can empathize, who get the kind of pain I experience. And there are a lot of tips and tricks on there that I've never thought of trying."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. A lot of people say it helps to chug an energy drink as soon at the attack happens, because that sorta takes the edge off or shortens it for some people. Or for some people, it can work as an abortive, especially for the shadows," Harper explained. "On the other hand, reading so much stuff is also scary. There just seems to be no predictability with this condition and there's so much trial and error to learn how to best take care of your own cycles. It's daunting. Fuck…"
Bucky frowned at her hissed curse, prompted by another wave of tears springing to her eyes. "It's okay, doll."
"I don't want to feel like this," she sighed, rubbing at her eyes agitatedly. "I'm sorry."
"No apology necessary," he assured. He took one of her hands in his and ran his thumb affectionately back and forth across her knuckles. "I love you."
"I love you, too," Harper replied. "Thank you, James."
"Harper, you're not eating again?"
"No," she shook her head in the negative.
Bucky frowned at the brunette, bundled up on the couch in a thick blanket. "Doll, you haven't eaten dinner three of the last five times I've come over."
"I know," she sighed. "I'm genuinely not hungry. I'm exhausted."
He offered her one of the tacos from the bag he brought. "Just one?" She shook her head again. Her eyes fluttered and dimmed, fatigue weighing down her lids. Bucky paused before suggesting, "What if I stick these in the fridge and we split them after you get an hour or two of sleep?"
"That's okay," she replied softly, retreating deeper into her blanket. "Enjoy them while they're hot and fresh."
"Harper, they'll be fine. Let's get you some sleep, okay?"
She merely muttered her sleepy agreement and Bucky quickly stowed the food in the fridge before gathering her, blanket and all, in his arms. He carried her to her room, settling both of them on her bed. Automatically, Harper rolled into his side, arm draping across his middle and holding him against her. The former soldier pulled the blanket over both of them before pressing a kiss atop her head. Within moments, he heard her breathing slow with sleep.
This had been a long cycle. It had already been over four weeks, which was usually the longest Harper's cycles lasted. She had still been experiencing more shadows than usual, as well. These were bruise-like pains in the area she experienced the clusters. She had confided in him that she was afraid that her stress levels were contributing to the worse than usual cycle, but there was really no way to tell. The brunette was beginning to deeply fear that she was going chronic, which had brought her to tears several more times since her breakdown a week and a half before. It was difficult to watch her grow more and more fatigued, and more mentally broken down. She hadn't expressed any further truly concerning thoughts, but Bucky was still worried about how she was faring emotionally. And he was at a total loss for what to do. What good was he – what could he possibly provide to her – when he was so fucked up himself?
Harper murmured something unintelligible in her sleep, pressing her face harder into his arm. Bucky used his expert body control to refrain from tensing. A whimper parted her lips, as he knew it would. He breathed a deep breath through his nose, preparing himself to witness her next attack. His stomach churned, and he wished more than anything else that he could take her pain on as his own. Harper didn't deserve the terrible pain, but he most certainly could experience it as some semblance of penance for his heinous past. The brunette whimpered again, body going rigid and the arm around his torso tightening. He knew she was awake now, and placed a gentle hand to the small of her back.
"Fuck, James," she let out as a sob.
"I know, darlin', I know," he soothed.
She pulled away from him, sitting up and dropping her face to her hands, body rocking back and forth as the cluster dug its claws into the right side of her face. Blue eyes watched helplessly, guiltily. He wished he had gotten to her apartment earlier, had convinced her to get some sleep sooner, so that he could've gotten her to eat a bit. He knew there would be no getting her to eat after this attack, especially once the dread of the final and worst attack of the night hit. He needed to be a better support to her, to watch out for her more. She didn't like being cared for, but his nudging toward self-care was usually accepted. He resolved to use that more to make sure she stayed as healthy as she could.
When she stopped rocking, the tears stopped flowing, and her sobs turned to distraught sniffles, Harper reached for him. He slipped into her weakly outstretched arms, wrapping his arms around her gingerly. He didn't want to put too much pressure anywhere on her, sensitive as she became after attacks. Harper tucked the left side of her face into his neck, wetting his skin with the remnants of her tears.
"Are you sure you want to deal with this long-term?"
His chest clenched at the idea that she would think he wouldn't want her, and at the idea that she wanted to be with him for the foreseeable future. Feathering a kiss to the top of her head, he assured, "Darlin', I can't guarantee you forever, but there is absolutely nothing about you that would make me leave. I want to be with you for as long as it is safe for you, for as long as you want me to be."
"Yeah?"
"Absolutely."
"You may want to really evaluate that sentiment," she sighed. "Suppose this is forever. Can you do this for the next 60 years, assuming I'm dealing with clusters 'til I die?"
"Don't do this right now, doll. I love you, and there are far worse things I've spent years doing. This is a way I can be there for you, and even when it's not easy, it's more than worth it. Let's get some food in you and then go to bed, okay?"
"I'm too tired to eat," she muttered, as he knew she would. Harper all but flopped down on her side of the bed. Her tired limbs struggled to worm beneath her comforter, but Bucky knew not to assist lest she feel coddled.
"Then we'll get some sleep," he amended.
"James, I feel really badly that you've been over here so much lately. I know it hasn't been fun being with me the last several weeks. You really can stay home, you know."
"Harper," Bucky said firmly, "don't worry. I get to spoon you; it isn't a loss for me at all."
He gave her a charming smirk, which earned him a laugh. With a small smile, she conceded, "Okay. See you in a few hours for the next one."
The next attack never came. Bucky awoke early the next morning, Harper still sleeping soundly beside him. He was immeasurably relieved to realize that her cluster cycle seemed to have ended. Deciding to let the exhausted brunette sleep her fill, he carefully extracted his limbs from hers and slipped out of the bed. After closing her bedroom door behind him and feeding the orange cat that had followed him out of her room, Bucky plucked a book from one of the bookshelves in the living room and settled down in the armchair with it. To his mild displeasure, Aslan joined him, curling up in his lap.
Blue eyes gazed down into wide green ones. Normally, the old feline paid him no mind, or acted with hostility and jealousy toward him. The former soldier sighed and turned to the book he had selected – the first in the Chronicles of Narnia series. He'd been curious since Harper had talked about them so passionately.
A couple hours passed, and Bucky was well and truly sucked into the tale. In part, no doubt, because Harper had actually written in this book, jotting down quick thoughts and highlighting favorite lines. It felt like he was reading with her, and he loved seeing which passages captured her attention and affection most. He grinned to himself, already looking forward to discussing the book so far over a lunch of leftover tacos. But then, his heart warmed, seeing an excerpt she had highlighted.
"Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight, At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more, When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death, And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again."
"Your sisters are FaceTiming you!" Bucky called in the direction of the bathroom.
"I'm elbow deep in the litter box!" Harper called back. "Can you get it?"
Bucky shouted his agreement before answering the call. He had spoken with Harper's younger sisters a few times before. They were sweet, albeit excitable, kids. They were only a year apart and exceptionally close, even choosing the same college. He knew that Harper, in some ways, felt left out given their close bond, but their age differences were also relatively substantial at Harper's 26 to their 21 and 20.
"The fuck took so long, Harp- Oh, hey, James!"
"Hey, Jordan," he greeted the older of the two. She had light brown hair and was the sister more similar in features to Harper. Looking at the other sibling, who had unnaturally bright blonde hair, he greeted, "Hey, Natalie."
"How're you?" Natalie asked with a bright grin.
"I'm good," he nodded. "You guys?
"Good!" the blonde answered. She lifted a bottle of beer into frame. "Day drinkin'."
"Ah," he acknowledged, then chuckled again. "What's the occasion?"
"It's Saturday," Natalie responded by way of explanation.
"We were calling because we were hoping to see if Harper is shedding her granny panties for once and going out tonight. Please tell me you answered her phone 'cause she's in the bathroom curling her hair or doing an at-home Brazilian or something?" Jordan interjected.
"Ah, no," he shook his head, fighting a flush at her latter suggestion. "Just cleaning Aslan's box."
"Oh. Sexy," Jordan drawled with a roll of her eyes. She was definitely the sister with the most attitude. "Sorry, my dude. Our sister never used to be such a grandma."
Bucky heard Harper's footsteps approaching, and was unsurprised when she leaned over the arm of the couch to appear in frame. "Oh, fuck off, you little ho."
"Not nice!" Natalie accused.
Jordan grinned devilishly. "I mean, in comparison to you, sis… Though, that's not hard. Even Natalie is a ho compared to you."
Harper shrugged. "I could still drink circles around you two if it wasn't for the clusters."
"Seriously, Harper, how have you been with this dude for this long without jumping his bones?"
"Can we not talk about James like he isn't here?" Harper asked pointedly.
Jordan rolled her eyes. "Sure, sure. James tells us you guys have no plans this fine Saturday evening?"
"We're watching the Narnia movies, actually," Harper said.
"That's no fun, sis!" Natalie protested. "We're worried you're letting the clusters take away all your youth and fun."
"Natalie! Tact!" Jordan immediately scolded.
Harper sighed. "Not a conversation I want to have with you two until you're both sober."
"Fat chance of that," giggled the blonde, lifting her bottle to her lips again.
"Cute," Harper rolled her eyes.
"Fine, fine," Jordan sighed. "Later this week, we'll talk for real. 'Til then, try to have some fun with that super fucking hot boyfriend of yours, 'kay? And, James, thanks for taking care of our boring ass sister."
"Uhh… sure?" he managed unsurely.
Harper scoffed, flipped the camera the bird, and ended the call. "Children, the both of them."
Bucky read between the lines and could pick out Harper's affection for her sisters, despite how different they were from her. He smiled fondly, before teasing, "So, they think I'm hot?"
"James!"
A/N: So many thanks for all of the support and to everyone who has just recently found this story! I'm super grateful! Also, apologies for the late update. Harper may not be able to drink, but I still can. As such, I couldn't quite make final edits and post yesterday. I'll still post tomorrow as usual despite this late chapter. Thank you again for all of the reviews, follows, and favorites!