*KEY NOTES BEFORE THE CHAPTER*

*I don't own Twilight Universe. I just like playing with it.*

*This is a translation edition of the first chapter. No information has been added nor taken away.*

*Thank you Marripossa for editing this story and yeah, I will never thank you enough TT_TT*

* I need readers to be aware that it will take certain amount of time to translate this project since it is still in progress. All I ask for is patience.*

*Enjoy your reading guys*

WE USED TO GO OUT AT NIGHT. Kate, Irina, and I were always together. It was endless fun. We spent wonderful times in the cities we visited. We were always meeting new people thanks to our great self—control around humans. Well, my self—control has proved to be less reliable than I thought.

The analog clock of my car marked 2:40 A.M. I was on the street in front of my family's residence. I can hear everything in my house from here. My family awaits for my arrival in the lobby. I usually arrive before 2 A.M when I go partying so any delay alarms my relatives. I examine my face in the rearview mirror. My eyes still had a color that should not be there.

"Shit"

I feel like shit.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit…."

My family is waiting on the porch now. Doubt is carved in their faces. I left my Lamborghini Gallardo with hesitation in the garage. I was afraid of facing my family. How will they react when I tell them what I did? Will they banish me from our family? After all, I had betrayed them terribly. I shook my head at that thought. For God's sake, Kate is my sister. She wouldn't cast me out even if I had massacred an entire village, which was not the case.

I sighed, remembering that there is always a way to make hell burn a little bit more. I step onto the porch feeling a bit of relief.

Carmen was talking on the phone with Alice. She was asking quick questions despite Alice's dismissive tone. I unearthed an ancient fear of Alice's gift. There is always a probability that she would call because something bad would happen or had already happened. Then the obvious conclusion came up to my mind. They already know what happened with that man. Alice saw everything and already told them.

"That witch..." I thought with contempt, but I stopped shortly. It was obvious that she was not guilty of anything. I am the problem. I bit a human!

Kate ran to hug me before climbing the stairs. Fear and worry were visible on his face.

—Alice called...— She paused. Does she want more details or did Alice give them out? Even though it had not been a conscious decision, did Alice manage to predict what happened? Maybe my actions were not as unconscious as I thought.

"God! That hypothesis was terrible!"

—She called an hour ago, saying that something bad occurred and you were involved. The phone connection was lost before she could add something more. She called again saying that everything was fine now.—Garret explained.

—Mmm...—Alice probably saw it shortly before it actually happened. I definitely had a few seconds in advance. When she saw it again, I had managed to regain my self—control. I have to talk to my cousin later, but I had a lot to talk about with my dear family right now.

—You weren't in danger, were you?— Carmen asks anxiously. —Are you okay? We imagine you handled it properly because Alice assured us that we could wait until you arrive, and that you were already coming home. Was it very serious, quierida?—

—I wouldn't say I was the one in danger— I uttered with hesitation. Kate, who was hugging me, suddenly released me. Her look reflected confusion.

—Go inside and I'll explain it.

I needed time to develop my confession.

—Tanya, what'd happened?— I get the feeling that Kate wants answers quickly. She did not move from my face.

I sighed.

There was no easy way to explain it. I have been 300 years without drinking human blood, and I threw it all away overboard tonight. Is there a way this will not be a disappointment to all of them? I doubt it.

—I went to Anchorage. I went to Fantasy. It was fuller than usual...—My voice loses emotion...there was compassion in their eyes. Would they be so complacent even after confessed? I forced myself to continue —I met a man there. He took me to his apartment. It was 20 minutes from the club...

Eleazar laughed.

—Tanya, dear, you won't give us the details of your nightstand, right?— Eleazar said and Carmen laughed with him. Suddenly, the heavy atmosphere disappeared.

—Do not interrupt her, Eleazar!— Kate kept her eyes on mine. —Obviously things didn't go well.

Once again, I forced myself to continue:

—We had sex, but I...— again the atmosphere thickens with anticipation. —I was not...I was not myself. When we were heading to the big end, I bit him on the shoulder.

My family was in shock. Kate's face was the most outraged. A mixture of confusion, anger, and disappointment hung in her eyes.

—Once his blood ran down my throat, I understood what I was doing. I don't remember making the decision to bite him. It was weird. I do not know how it happened...

Garret gave his opinion on our behavior once again, which Kate was unable to reproach this time. It was the first time he had spoken up since Kate got angry with him five years ago.

—You are acting irresponsibly. It is clear to me that this kind of relationship with a human being would end badly for him— His face reflected the impatience in his voice but I was not willing to put up with it. I will not allow him to project his frustration about my sister's sex life on me. My irritation grew, but Kate calmed down Garrett by putting her hand on his shoulder.

"Oh, thank you," I thought with anger, "this moral lesson is very helpful right now."

I prepared to continue narrating the events and to ignore Garrett.

—I was able to stop. He passed out and I acted quickly enough to suck the venom before it spread. Even after biting him near his neck, I acted immediately, Kate!— I asserted with irritation as she looked at me disapprovingly. —I waited to make sure he would not die or turn. Then, I took him to the hospital. I left him on the corner and called 911 from his cell phone. He is likely to be out of danger by now.

Neither of them made any movement. They were all marble statues trying to understand what I did. Shae burns in my throat.

Then, Kate exploded.

Kate's temper was like that. She was the youngest of us. She was only 20 years old when she was turned. Her explosive temperament showed her age. I wondered if her gift had something to do with it...Words flew from her mouth as fast as her hands were angrily gesturing and furious eyes were blazing against me. If Garrett had shown anger before, he was a gentle kitten compared to what my sister was able to do.

Choppy phrases were shouted at me: "How dare you", "You have destroyed any confidence we may have in you", and "your addictive behavior puts us at risk all the time". She said each word with a sharp tone that only Kate's voice could do. I could not understand everything, but its meaning was clear. Shame was replaced soon by rage that I did not know I had.

—Do not be a drama queen, Katrina! Don't point your fingers on me with so much ease! The truth is that I haven't threatened you or any other person, much less our way of living. I was controlled enough to avoid killing him or creating one more of our kind. You should thank my self—control.

I walked out on her and entered in our cabin. She was in shock, probably assimilating my words. I knew from her sharp breaths that a violent discussion was approaching. Kate responded with a snort. Literally.

—Yeah, sure. Thank you for biting an innocent man. Thank you for trying to kill him, but changing your mind. Jesus Christ! Thank you, dear Tanya! What can we do without your beautiful self—control?!— She screamed ironically she she follows me closely to the entrance of our living room.

Garrett was clutching one of Kate's hands. I could imagine them walking while holding hands, but he was just trying to keep her out of the room. Kat dragged him inside with her.

My heart squeezed a little.

"Do they have to have that need to touch each other all the time?"

It was very annoying.

A light shone in my mind.

Was I jealous of the fact that she has someone to hold hands and I did not? That did not bother me before, right? At least, not consciously... Though I did not have time to think it through now. Kate follows me with an impatient fury in her eyes. She wanted a confrontation.

—You are an idiot if you think you've done something noble. You put us at risk. You haven't fed for three weeks before going out tonight. Your resistance was decreased after searching for men several consecutive days. You are the most idiotic woman I know, Tanya!

I bit a man. A human being! She wants to understand why; she wants to understand something that even I do not understand. It was about time to put everything on the table then. She wanted my reaction.

—Well, this idiot thinks she can't go on like this any longer— I finally let the wall fall. I would not continue this useless discussion. I can't defend what I did and the consequences were very clear. It is difficult to say them out loud, but someone has to do it. —I need to go. Obviously, he will look for me in Anchorage. That man, my lover, will remember my face. I should leave Alaska for a while.

Kate collapsed on the protective wall around her. Her eyes gleamed sore and bewildered; my throat narrows.

"Since when do I like hurting my sister?"

The silence that followed my last sentence was interrupted by the sound of a connection being completed. Carmen and Eleazar had joined us in the room, but I did not look at them. I could not bear the reproach in their eyes.

—Alice! I have to understand this. Tanya killed a human?— Eleazar asks, ignoring my frightened eyes.

"How could he doubt me?"

I looked at Carmen. She had an apologetic expression on her face.

Alice and he exchanged words very quickly. After he hung up he addressed us:

—Alice confirmed your story, dear. Sorry for doing this, but it is so unlikely. Your self—control has always been wonderful.

—It's irresponsible, Eleazar! Don't you realize that she hasn't hunted for three weeks?— Kate yelled, her voice sharper than usual.

Garrett and I tried to reassure her at the same time. Kate initially shied away from us, but the next second stabilized and remained silent.

—Do you doubt my words?— I asked, looking at Carmen and Eleazar, making it clear that it hurt.

—Sorry, querida,— Carmen said again —but I guess you would look for any excuse to leave. Of course, Alice's calls tonight are a confirmation of what you said. However, as we have already said, you biting a human is unlikely that...

I interrupted her abruptly, anger pulsing in my ear fueled by his words.

—Looking for excuses? Where do you think I want to go? Why would I want that? Please, this is a necessary measure...

Eleazar and Carmen looked at each other with complicity. It was as if they knew something without needing to say it. It was as annoying as all these mates synchronizing their behaviors. It is unbearable.

Kate opened her mouth to protest, but Carmen continued:

—Well, Tanya, your suffering is pretty evident. —She says calmly. —Since Garrett joined us, you have fought bravely for not being affected and we are all very proud of you for it.

Carmen and Eleazar smiled at the same time, even the size of their smiles were the same. However, instead of making me feel better, those perfect smiles gave me a terrible bitterness. A strange sensation stretched inside me and I did not understand how. It was so terrible that I want to run away from here.

—You may have been very strong, but you do not need to be strong all the time. It is normal for you to feel alone...

—How can you know that is normal? You've never been alone!— I responded with what seemed to be a growl.

"Why was I groaning? God, what was that?", I was really embarrassed.

—I know, honey. I know you already know, you realize what happened, but the truth is that nothing has changed, darling. Kate is still Kate and that never...

—What are you talking about?— Kate burst once again —What is this crazy story about Tanya wanting to leave? She is stupid and now she has to go, but she did not plan it. She does not want to leave, Carmen! What a stupid idea! How can you hear this madness with your head down, Tanya?

I could not answer. I fought hard against the expression of crying, which insisted on dominating my face?

—Kate, I know it's hard to see, but the truth is that Tanya feels abandoned like Irina at some moments did.— Carmen was always very careful with us.

I thanked her mentally for saying it aloud. No matter how bad I feel, I could never hurt Kate by saying what is breaking my heart.

Kate reacts as if Carmen had slapped her in the face.

—Irina is dead, Carmen! And I'm here, right? You can't say that she is abandoned.

—Can't you see that Tanya is alone, Kate?— Eleazar was also very careful with words, but Kate is very angry again.

—Tanya will not be alone while I exist, Eleazar. I will never leave my sister. If you want to leave, go ahead!— She said the words looks at me. Her eyes are intense and deep. She meant it. She really does not know about my pain. Kate has no idea. Telling her would be cruel, but I could no take it anymore. Carmen seemed to know this too. Her kind smile made me tremble a little. My crying expression must have been more visible to her.

—I'm sorry, Kate, but you died somehow too.

I did not think I said those words at the start. They stayed so deep inside me that it seemed that someone else said them for a moment. I tried hard to keep talking, and explain to my shocked sister.

—I do not mean that you actually died or that I want it to happen. I mean, there is a "new" Kate and I love her. She is as beautiful and loveable as my sister.— I explain the best I could —and I'm sure this new you love me as well. But there is an "old" you that did it more and that part of you is dead. And without that part and without Irina, I feel...hopeless. Sorry for not being able to avoid these annoying feelings. I'm tired of feeling like this. I need to leave.

—I do not want to spoil anyone's happiness— I add the last phrase too low. Maybe it went unnoticed.

—You do not ruin anything, Tanya.— Garrett said. —If you need to leave in order to feel better, I'm sure we all support your decision.

His hand slid from Kate's shoulder to her waist, trying her with his long arms. She did not resist as she put her face to her chest, and now she seemed to sob, pressing herself against him. My heart gave another twinge of pain. It was so involuntary, but it made me m*** with anger, frustration and many other things together.

I have to get out of here as soon as possible.

—Since you must leave, at least go to see Carlisle...— Carmen proposed. —He is very insightful. Spending time with the Cullens could help.

My throat closed with the idea. There was so much love and happiness in that house that I had chills just thinking about going there. The arrival of Bella and Renesmee to the the family more than six years ago made Forks the happiest place on Earth. I was going to drown in all that happiness.

—Actually, talking to Carlisle is the first thing you should do. I know he can alleviate some of your worries, and then, maybe you could reconsider this decision to be alone while you recover, Tanya. Don't forget that bit a human being a few hours ago, something you have not done in 300 years— Eleazar came to the conclusion in a definitive way: You have to go to Forks.

Apparently, I could never leave this house without promising to visit the Cullens first.

—Very well. I will stay with our family in Forks for a while— I responded, thanking mentally that nobody like Edward or Alice is here. It would be impossible to lie with them around.

I will visit the Cullen but I will not stay with them for long. I feel like traveling alone for a period. Living like a nomad for a while is a unique opportunity to enjoy loneliness in a trip. I have never had that chance since my creation. Irina and Kate were always with me and even before I had Sasha's company. It would be just me this time. The evil and reckless Tanya who had not fed in three weeks screamed in my mind. I trembled with fear at what I could do, but staying with my loved ones is no longer possible.

—I know you, sister. We have never been alone before. — Kate explained to all, she no doubt noticed my trembling, which must have been interpreted as hesitation. — But I know you're going to be fine. I'm sure. You are the strongest of us.

She smiled and hugged me. I will miss her.

After that we act very fast. Kate and Carmen helped me pack some clothes, unfortunately, almost none of my new luxury clothes can be loaded, but I bought myself another way I could. I took some money out of hiding in my room, a lot of them, of course, but I tried to sound innocent that I would use only for emergencies. My phone was put in the bag by the requirement of Eleazar and Kate, and voila, I was ready to go.

We also made a short trip to Denali National Park hunting. I was very thirsty. Avoiding that man's death had been more than he could bear. It was full of the blood of the two bears, an exaggeration of course. I felt full when I got into my beautiful Lamborghini.

My destination after Forks was still unclear when I entered the main road. I could not think of a destination to which a person without a direction who has not gone before, someone who had nothing, nowhere. A feeling of depression was forming in me. Then I knew where I was going, and a smile appeared on my face. Lost people like me had only one place in the world to go and forget about problems. Until I could adapt well to this wandering life. Determined, my first destination after visiting my family will be: Las Vegas!

For a second, my breathing stops at the thought that Alice could see me now in Las Vegas, or if I could call my family asking why this point of view. But it did not matter. They could not stop me now, I was away from home and on the road. If someone does not like me to go to Las Vegas, I would have to go to the city of sin to get me... I laughed aloud at imagine Kate, Garrett, Carmen and Eleazar betting on a roulette in Las Vegas.

Yes, I could definitely enjoy my new life.

Once again, the humans would never have listened, but I heard Kate gasp and make a thud, probably her head was buried in Garrett's chest. Without realizing it, my foot sank into the accelerator causing the car tire to skid out of our garage. Before reaching the main road I had already passed the speed limit, and made the fastest trip to Anchorage of all time.

My head was overloaded. Only a small part of my attention was on the road, enough to keep the car straight on the course. All the rest of my ability to step that last conversation over and over again. If only time passed faster, I would not have to think about that.

It took three full centuries that none of us tasted human blood. Even in intimacy with them it was no longer a problem. Irina and I have worked as doctors like Carlisle. During the transition of the nineteenth century to the twentieth, when the Spanish flu was all that has been seen in the world, the cry of humans was too intense to ignore. At first there were doubts about whether we could get into that situation with so much blood around us, but it was just a matter of practice and concentration.

You had to train, avoiding excessive thirst. After a few decades of training, it turned out to be very simple. Kate can not do it, of course. She could never have a role very close to humans or any carelessness with her hands, it would be too many questions to answer how a person is electrocuted alone. However, the obligation of a profession did not seduce either Irina or me. Instead, Carlisle is happy with the need for untiring help from humanity. Irina came to me, feeling dejected, thinking that it was impossible to help everyone. Humans were increasing their numbers, but as they increased they became ill and died, and this cycle was too fierce to captivate us.

—But we were so happy ... — I murmured in a plaintive voice.

And six years ago, everything changed.

Laurent came to our house in the woods. I liked to believe that it was my refuge from the world, or at least, I thought at some point. Now everything is different although very few things have changed.

Thinking a little was the love of Irina, who took me to the hole.

"Love started everything, right?" I thought bitterly.

Among vampires, love relationships are different from relationships between humans. They do not love, they get confused with attraction or passion. The feeling that touches two vampires falling in love is unique and special. You can not feel the same for another person or cheat that love. I think it has to do with the fact that we are more animals than anything else, and animals do not get along with feelings. For us, animals, love is a great gift in a dark and instinctive reality. Understanding this gift and wherever you go is not difficult.

Human beings are different. They live according to emotions. Their acts are based on them, trying to understand the world through their fragile senses. It is easy for them to get confused or lost. Even then they loss their loved ones. Vampires are very loyal to beings to their feelings, it may even be weird, since therefore we are the most faithful beings. When you are betrayed, betrayal must be avenged until the end. When you love, love must live for eternity or as long as it is lived.

Of course, my sisters and I made a lot of jokes about it until eight years ago. We had lived almost a total of six centuries in this world today, our physical well—being trapped forever in the twenties. The immortality came to me when I was 22 years old, a few days after my birthday. I was younger than Irina for only a few months. She was 23 years old. Kate was 20 years old. We spent our first centuries among the European nobility, our beauty for the human eye — young and gorgeous — opened plenty of doors in the best rooms of the nobility and food these days was the sweet blue blood of the rich, especially a parasite of the Russian nobility, our homeland.

I could still remember the frenzy I felt when I met Tsar Ivan the Terrible in 1584. One of the worst humans I've ever tasted. The distortion of its bad smell and taste made his death a necessary pleasure. Despite the great favor I did to Mother Russia to defend her from her tyrant, the nation continued to suffer after her death. We and our dear mother, Sasha, live for decades in Europe. Never in one place. We met all the kingdoms and cities, installing ourselves briefly until Sasha died. From that moment, my memories are not calm or transparent. Pain and anger still accompany me despite all these years, despite my age.

As I suspected, emotions are something alien to an animal and by extension, a soulless vampire. We were not designed to feel, it must not dwell in us. Therefore, both the good and the terrible emotions are never forgotten. When we suffer, the intense pain will never leave us. As we do not lose our memories, the feeling will not fade.

It is horrible to know that one will always be an orphan.

After our mother was convicted, we settled in the United States. The new land of opportunity founded by the British colonies in 1600. At that time I did not even imagine what my sisters and I would have to endure. There was no way to deal with the pain. However, dying never was an option. It was as if we knew there is something waiting for us. We knew that there were many other vampires, but we never imagined that there was a family like us. Except for the marrying thing. It was thus we discovered that vampires could also feel love.

Do not confuse love with passion and desire. It was obvious to us that what we felt was simple and pure sexual desire. Since none of us really got engaged, the feeling was never stronger than that, but the desire for contact and affection could also exist in this way of living. However, love for us was incompatible with our race. It was a surprise to learn that our species becomes faithful and constant when love happens.

Carmen was a very nice young woman from Barcelona who knew about the ancient times of Europe. Our first encounter was when we were still next to Sasha and was initially tense, because he was the only vampire in the city and he took our arrival as if to cope. But it quickly became clear that we are going through and ended up establishing good relations with her. That happened at the end of the war against the Moors in Spain, the 1480s. We lived with her for a few months and we had a sad farewell, thinking that we would not meet again. Many centuries passed until she was inside the United States, she and another vampire together as a family rather than as one being. In this second meeting we no longer had our mother, and had decided to put an end to the killing, how to survive only in the blood of the animals. I was very happy that Carmen and Eleazar, her partner, have felt the desire to join us and live in permanent peace among human beings.

We lived in a mountain town in Colorado, a place away from the railroad, where progress came slowly and could live in the countryside without being noticed. He had never lived with the compromised vampire couple before, even though he briefly encountered this situation.

I still remember the shock he had between us. They seemed to be much more human than us, they looked so noble in their feelings. Neither Kate nor I confessed but his presence made us think about converting our intimate relationships with human men. Before our decision of "vegetarianism" our great pleasure to seduce men had to stop because our lovers were always drained to the last drop during the peak of the relationship. And surely it would be impossible to avoid. Irina took many lives before being able to control herself in the middle of that intense moment, but even she could have her boyfriends without the need of a black bag later.

When we reached this level of control, it was subsequently improved in the presence of blood from the wounded and sick, it was vital that we maintain our confidence in this lifestyle. Today I am absolutely sure that our race and human beings can coexist easily. At least after three centuries of practice it can be said so easily. Time is the anesthesia we need.

Our armament was also complete. We had the beauty and the eternal youth, and all the weapons of the world to have any man. Nowhere in the human world — Never Kate, Irina or I were rejected. I was very happy to discover that the beauty of Russian blonde is appreciated all over the world. All this potential was very intoxicating, and I speculated laughing, that because we would like to find a mate like Carmen and keep one man, when so clearly that we could have all of us that we wanted.

"Ironic", protest in my head. Six years ago I still had absolute confidence that I would feel this way forever and today, I feel more miserable than ever.

We never imagined that desire to be captivated. We were sure to stay free and available to enjoy all the pleasures of the world. The idea of having that life was too boring for us. At least, my sisters were much more suspicious than me. Irina believed that one day we would fall in love with a vampire, and that I would be the first. She said she could not stand being the only one alone.

I agree with her now.

Another reason for the jokes was that I'm the only one of us who had been involved with a vampire–actually two — but I had never met anyone who really captivated me so I did not know when Irina was being funny. I never imagined myself preferring a man instead of a life of fun and pleasure. All three of us considered ourselves invincible and untouchable.

I was the worst of the three. I used to say that there is not a man nor a vampire in the world who could resist me. She was the only one with experience with one of our race. I thought I was the sole owner of my destiny. Of course, I do not own my destiny or anything. And then I had to swallow my pride. I had a stain on my past; I had suffered a fall. Worse, with a brother.

Carlisle met shortly after arriving from Europe. It was incredible the will not to kill human beings, even with little time for immortality, the square must still be so strong in the throat, but it exceeded. We keep in touch with him, we have lived together for a couple of summers, helping each other in the difficult task of controlling our instincts.

It was a surprise when after a long absence he returns home with our two newborn vampires. Esme was sweet, even with the vitality of a vampire neonate. It was obvious that Carlisle was madly in love with her, however, she did not seem to have been aware of it. He suffered too much with thirst to notice other issues. The other was the vampire slightly older than Esme. Her eyes were golden from the first time we met and I, at first, thought maybe I would know that love in which Carmen and Eleazar live. However, Edward was very reserved, the gift he had was very rare and Eleazar tired of repeating what it was.

Obviously he read the reactions of my mind. It was painfully frustrating to understand that his silence was a rejection of a gentleman. I kept my expectations secret in spite of the intense relationships we have had with the Cullens, until in 1933 the Cullens told us that he added one more for the clan of vampires. In Carlisle's words, Edward's loneliness was implicit. Esme and Carlisle wanted to find a partner for him. My hopes died with that word because I did not expect anyone else to have similar thoughts like mine about Edward. Quickly, our dear Carlisle made it clear that there was not and would not be a Platonic brotherhood relationship between Edward and Rosalie.

I kept my expectations under control, but it was hard not to imagine that Edward rejected it because of me. And so, when everyone heard the same night he arrived, I went to a talk with him in the gardens. Of course, I was too excited to wait until we were far enough away not to be heard, but I was not being careful at the time. It was so that the whole family could hear my rejection, despite all the ways and education of Edward.

That afternoon I promised myself that I do not care if he did not feel the same affection for me, if one day he wanted to transform us into more than friends, all he had to do was knock on our door. I would be welcome to join us forever while our clan was there.

It was very ironic that when he appeared eighty years later, when we were already established in Denali, my cold heart warmed up. Without warning he had appeared at our door, alone, asking me if he could join us. Of course, this was just a sign of the end. The end of my happiness and tranquility. She was not going to last forever. I was not so lucky My sisters thought that this situation with Edward was too funny. It was clear from our experience that love is a mutual feeling. If Edward did not reciprocate my feelings, it's because they were not deep.

He is a wonderful man and I was waiting for someone like that. I have not confessed to anyone besides my own shadow, but I think Irina was right. I do not like our life too much. I hope, unconsciously, someone made for me. Someone that makes me feel the happiness that I see reflected in Eleazar and Carmen for more than 300 years.

Then my dear sisters and I remained with our happy lives, surviving on the blood of the animals, maintaining the bonds of love between us, and with the great family of Carlisle. The links with humans also present in the taking of more and more larger numbers of people and smaller animals. I was happy. Very happy to have my family, my sisters.

Then everything fell in the sequence. Like a house of cards or a row of dominoes.

The first strange sensations were by Edward, who attracted me in the most absurd way that any human could achieve. When I return to Denali and I can not help but imagine that he changed his mind about our old promise. After Laurent's band entered Bella Swan's life. Laurent decided to separate from his coven and join ours, wanting to try our lifestyle, "vegetarianism".

Irina fell for him immediately. As if there was an invisible force that dragged her to his side. It was beautiful to see her happier that I had never seen in so many centuries, but also strange. I miss in a bad way as if my throat hurt more.

I never doubted that Laurent loved her too. It was clear that it was difficult for him to leave her in Denali when Victoria ordered him to return to her soon. When leaving, it was very obviously a pain for him as much as for her, it did not matter that he was not able to stand in our way of life. It was devastating the discovery that Laurent was murdered by werewolves in Forks.

Irina refused to help the Cullens after what happened to Laurent despite dangerous situation they were facing. That was very painful for Kate and I, as well as Eleazar and Carmen. Irina did not understand that Laurent should not have helped Victoria. It was because of his thirst for blood that he was killed, but she could not see it. It was very sad to have to choose between her and the Cullens. Over time our relationship wears out and Irina increasingly depressed by the absence of her partner, decided to move away.

That was my first big blow.

My sisters and I did not separate since our foundation many centuries ago. I wanted to her to stay and helped her no matter what but despite my tries, Irina confronted me saying that I could not understand what I felt and wanted to isolate. I met my beloved sister 8 months later, when she arrived to Washington with the Volturi.

The elders of Volterra came to Forks with all their guards to face my extended family. Horrible memories of the past hunted me then. Knowing that Irina was responsible for the Cullen's termination, and the Volturi sought the excuse. When the complaint was not true to his own condemnation it was the most dirty act of provocation that the vampire world has ever seen.

The memories of the confrontation are not clear and that I think of someone else. As if after seeing my beloved sister, almost an extension of me, to be burned in a fraction of a second ahead of us, I could no longer track events. The sentences were pronounced, the situations that have happened, but it was not me, but another mind that he lived. I could not do more after that.

Surprisingly for me the same number of vampires still live in our house. Garrett, one of the nomad vampires who had sided with the Cullen, joined us. He perfectly adapted to the diet of animals. It was always the smiling face in our cabin but the changes he brought, along with those that already existed, were just too much to bear.

He became Kate's partner, and their love blossomed in the last seven years. The problem is that this beautiful love was also responsible for the evolution of a huge hole in my chest. Irina was no longer with us, and somehow, neither was Kate. She was not my sister Kate. She was Garrett's partner now.

I really enjoyed this second well, I also had a beautiful smile on my face because I loved her Kate too, and she was also as cunning and sweet as my sister used to be, but it does not change the fact that my beloved Kate died. Also here, not like Irina, but I died with them. There is nothing left of Tanya in this body.

In addition to this, it is hard to be the only single in a large family. Now I admire much more Edward's determination to be alone. It will be hard to be by my own without my sisters, Carmen, Eleazar and Garrett. They are sweet and adorable, but I am sick of the pain.

Of course, I will not do anything stupid. I still have everyone's support and I love them, but it has not been enough to satisfy me lately. It keeps me alive but unhappy. My chest has a huge black hole that consumed all the feelings inside me. It has torn them apart.

Keeping my mind focused on warm bodies used to be an excellent distraction. It is almost like a high dose of morphine for a couple of hours away from my gloomy reality. Of course, it was effective until I fitted my teeth on my lover's shoulder in the worst pre-orgasm reaction ever. Obviously, it does not matter how human the complication might be, I have enough predicaments right now to keep adding to the combo.

Perhaps I should take a break from men. I had done it before. After Sasha's death, the grief was intolerable and I tried to fill my lost with a long line of lovers. They often distracted me from my lost; however, each man ended up passing away due to my inability to resist human blood. Remorse became unbearable within time and I abandoned getting involved with men until I could control my thirst. Loneliness accompanied each step towards self-control. Nowadays, I can have intimacy with anyone if I prepare beforehand; however, I have never felt this lonely. It is ironic that the only sedative I have known, it is not enough to take away my pain now.

Hope eternity will fill that void.

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