The following morning Ash was the first up she was feeling better this morning and had been awake
for a while before she decided to go on downstairs she started to get the breakfast things ready trying to be helpful she knew how difficult she had been the last few weeks Jill was the first to come down
"Morning" she said surprised that anyone else was up "How are you this morning" she added
"I'm fine" replied Ash getting up and putting her bowl and glass in the sink she then made her way out of the kitchen where she meet Gordon and Katie coming down the stairs deep in conversation they stopped when they saw her.
"Morning" they all said at the same time, Ash moved aside to let them pass then made her way upstairs, Ash stayed in her room until they both had gone she didn't want to argue with them and she knew she would because they made her so angry talking about her like that as if she wasn't there. She made her way downstairs and found Jill in the front room reading.
"Are you alright, you're very quiet this morning" asked Jill placing her book down
"Yes I'm fine, I just wish... It doesn't matter" replied Ash sitting down
"No go on" said Jill
"I just wish if they are going to talk about me they do it to my face or when I'm not around" replied Ash
"I'll have a word with them" replied Jill she could see how angry this was making Ash
"No don't worry about it" replied Ash
"Well we've got the house to ourselves how about I make some drinks and then we can have that little chat" said Jill
"Sounds great" said Ash, terrified about what was about to happen, she went upstairs and got her notes all of a sudden she had become terribly nervous, it was worse than standing up in front of class and giving a speech, this could change everything forever.
Jill had made them both a cup of tea and sat down on the sofa near to Ash who had decided to sit in the chair, she took the cup of tea from Jill
"Thanks" Ash said
"You're welcome" replied Jill
They sat in silence for a while after that Jill could see how nervous Ash was she hadn't taken her eyes away from her cup of tea and her fingers were tracing the pattern on the cup. Jill was thinking maybe this wasn't such a good idea maybe now wasn't the right time.
Then Ash started to talk she didn't remove her gaze from her cup of tea
"Mum I'm so sorry for how I've acted over the last few weeks, It's just that I've been so confused, I know I should of talked to you sooner but I don't know how to explain it" Said Ash
It was only now that Jill realised that ash had put her cup down and was actually holding a notepad which had her neat writing on it but that it was also tear stained and the corner had been ripped where Ash had been fiddling with it.
"It's just I feel like I've let everyone down, and if my real parents didn't want me there must be something wrong with me, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore" said Ash
But before she could say anymore there was a knock at the door "I'll get it" said Ash getting up and throwing the notepad down on the seat. Jill picked up the notepad she could only make out some of the words but she was beginning to see how confused Ash had been feeling and that how the tip toeing around had not helped the situation, then she saw it at the bottom of the page two words in capitals and underlined pain and how?.
Jill still had the notepad in her hand when Ash walked in followed by Sister Brigid. Ash saw this and made a quick excuse to leave the room saying she would make some drinks
"Hello Jill how are you" said sister Brigid as she sat down in the chair
"I'm fine thanks how are you" replied Jill
"I'm grand thank you and how's Aisling doing" replied Sister
"As well as can be expected, I'd better go and give her a hand" replied Jill
Jill just wanted to wrap her arms around her and tell her everything would be alright, but she knew Ash had sat in the chair for a reason. She was cutting herself off from them, she needed to find out who she was on her own and sort out these questions that were now deeply imbedded in her mind.
Jill couldn't help wondering if they had lost their daughter already although she was home she wasn't really home.