Dallas, Texas

It was Jenna, he knew it was her, he remembered her and he remembered everything she was doing. He'd felt her touch and heard her whispers, gasps and laughs before. He knew what was happening and how enjoyable it was, for both of them.

Despite knowing exactly what was happening, something was different, he just didn't know what. He had almost perfect recall of what was happening when, but he couldn't feel it now. He was involved, but he wasn't. It was his memory, but he'd never relived it like this.

Fixated on the scene, the delightful moment morphed into a perturbing one before his eyes. It wasn't a surprise he was removed from what was going on, that's exactly how it was. There was distance between what he was seeing and what he was feeling.

"If it takes some other lady to be the first then maybe you should do that."

He didn't know where her voice was coming from, she wasn't saying it to him while she was otherwise occupied, but it was definitely her speaking.

"I'll take care of her while you think about what you want."

Much like Jenna's voice, he didn't know where Jack's voice was coming from, or why Jack was anywhere near them.

"Don't wait too long, a lady like Jenna isn't going to stay single forever."

Worse than Jack was JR, commenting on things he had no business being involved in.

"Bobby and Jenna, everyone said one day you'd be married."

Inhaling sharply, he looked around, desperate to see her, distressed when the image before him moved wherever he turned his head, giving him no line of sight to her.

"Pam?" attempting to say her name, no sound came out, and in fact, he felt winded and had trouble breathing.

Opening his eyes, gasping for air, he didn't know where he was or what was going on. Feeling around in a panic, he flipped on the lamp on his nightstand automatically, not thinking about what he was doing.

Blinded by the brightness for a moment, his eyes eventually adjusted and things became a little clearer. His heart was pounding and his chest was heaving, but the room was familiar. He was at Southfork, alone.

Sitting up, he gulped the glass of water beside his bed. The clock read 5.32am and he figured from the pile of clothes strewn across the floor that he'd stumbled into bed.

He didn't really remember what had happened or when. What he did know was his body felt heavy and his head foggy.

Uncomfortably warm, he threw the covers back and trudged to the bathroom, his elevated heart rate combined with his fatigue making the journey of only a few yards feel like miles.

Doing what he needed to, he felt a little better, although the unmistakable hangover symptoms remained.

Sitting on the cool tiled floor, leaning against the wall as he had so many times before, he closed his eyes, exhausted.

"Really, I'll be fine in the morning."

"Let me at least get a doctor up here to confirm that", brushing a stray hair from her face, his concern for her wellbeing grew as he got a good look at her. Pale and shaky, she took small sips of water to find a balance between quenching her thirst and not upsetting her stomach, indicating to him that she really wasn't a well woman.

"No, it's unnecessary", shaking her head, she sighed and straightened up, as if to try to make him forget her recent misery, which of course, it didn't.

Opening his eyes, he was wide-awake now.

He hadn't known it then but that night in Hawaii was when his and Pam's lives had changed forever. Their marriage had been one thing, but her surprise conception had been quite another. They'd been so happy then, and now, nine and a half months later she was gone and he was floundering.

Suddenly finding the cool bathroom stuffy and uncomfortable, he used what energy he had to stand and leave.

By the time he reached the patio, passing the Christmas tree in the living room, it had all had come back to him.

It was New Year's Day. He was hungover after the New Year's Eve party at Punk and Mavis Anderson's home, a party where he'd felt like the odd one out. He hadn't had a bad time, but he hadn't had a good one either.

JR and Sue Ellen weren't without struggles in their marriage, he knew that, but the way they'd looked at the party had made them appear as if they were the happiest people in the world.

His daddy was in a similar situation to him having just lost his wife in recent months, but he'd appeared to be on the mend, looking as if he'd genuinely enjoyed himself.

Then there were Jenna and Jack. Dancing, flirting, and kissing, he'd seen that with his own eyes. He didn't want to know what they were doing together behind closed doors, he could guess, his dream had just confirmed to him that he could imagine it too. It wasn't his place to tell either Jenna or Jack that they couldn't see each other, he'd just recently rejected Jenna and he'd told Jack months ago that what he'd had with Jenna was in the past and would stay there. As far as what he'd said to either of them, he wasn't interested and they were free to do as they pleased without considering him; the problem was, he was interested and it did bother him.

He missed Pam desperately and he'd do anything to have her back with him, but she was gone and she wasn't coming back.

He didn't know what Pam would have wanted for him in the situation he was now in, they'd never discussed being widowed young. What he did know was that Pam had never made any secret of how she felt about Jenna. Would she have wanted him to be happy? He thought so. But would she have wanted him to be happy with Jenna? He couldn't be so certain.

What did he want? He knew how seeing Jack and Jenna together made him feel, but did that mean he wanted Jenna himself? He hadn't been attracted to anyone since Pam had died, he'd barely looked twice at the ladies he'd danced with at the party, the only woman who'd made him feel anything since losing Pam had been Jenna, that had to mean something.

Dipping his feet into the chilly pool, Jenna's words ran through his mind again. He didn't really know why she would suggest what she had, but perhaps she had a point. Perhaps the fact that he wasn't completely sure was more of a sign of what was right for him though.

To be continued…