"Children show scars like medals. Lovers use them as secrets to reveal. A scar is what happens when the word is made flesh."
― Leonard Cohen, The Favorite Game
'What are you doing here?' she whispered, annoyed by how scared she sounded.
Tom didn't smirk at her, he didn't even look particularly angry. 'I'm waiting,' he said calmly.
'Are you looking for this?' He held his left hand up slowly while he twirled her wand around his fingers.
'Yes,' she hissed, staring at him in surprise. 'What's going on?' She tried not to sound as wary of him as she felt.
Tom looked calm, but everything about him felt furious.
'I heard Billy talking,' Tom said before he interrupted himself, still absentmindedly twirling her wand in his hand. 'This feels just like mine,' he murmured while Harry watched him cautiously.
'It has a Phoenix feather core.' She carefully took a step closer and reached for it.
Tom took in her nervous appearance.
'Why are you scared?' he asked, frowning up at her.
Harry didn't know how to explain the feeling she had, so she told the truth. 'You seem furious.'
She took another step towards him, continuing, 'like you're just one moment away from snapping and doing something dangerous.'
She moved forward again. She was almost in touching distance now, and, even though his mask-like facial expression hadn't changed much, his emotions were reflected in his eyes.
'Are you afraid of me?' His voice was much too calm for a question like that.
'I don't want to be.' Harry took a last step forward, finally standing next to him. That was true, too. From the moment she'd learned about Voldemort's existence, she'd been afraid, and she'd also been determined not to be. It was the reason why she called him by his name, as fake and dumb as it sounded.
When she saw the hurt flash through his eyes, she reached for his hand instead of her wand and brushed her fingers against his in what she hoped was a comforting gesture.
He looked from her hand to her face, and, when he saw that she didn't try to take her wand away from him, he opened his hand and held it out to her. Instead of taking it, she slowly let herself glide down on the wall and sat down next to him. Her bare legs felt cold against the wood, her side pressed against his as she held out her hand to him.
'Can I see yours?' she asked, ignoring her own for another moment, trying to gage his reaction.
He watched her cautiously before holding his wand out to her. Stunned, she took it and felt her magic thrum through it in a familiar way. It felt slightly off as if it tinged her magic in a new color instead of just relaying it. She hummed, thinking about how she could put the feeling into words. 'It feels familiar, in a strange way,' she finally said, and Tom nodded.
'Yours is a bit pushy. It's the Holly that makes it that way. It doesn't really want me to use it, even if the core accepts me,' he said smirking at her.
'Is that what it is?' she asked in surprise.
Tom nodded seriously. 'Yew is traditionally poisonous. It's even dangerous after the tree dies. People who are adept in the Dark Arts are usually known to have Yew wands,' he explained, watching her twirl it around between her fingers.
'What's Holly known for?' Harry asked as she continued to inspect the unknown wand that wasn't that unknown at all. After all, it had been used against her on more than one occasion.
'If Yew is dark, then Holly is light,' Tom explained, and something in the way he said it made her look up and meet his eyes. 'They either complete each other, or they cancel each other out. I guess it depends on how you look at it,' he said staring at her with open curiosity.
They didn't say anything for a few long moments in which Harry refused to acknowledge his interest. This felt much more intimate than it should.
'So, what did Billy say?' Harry remembered, feeling a bit frantic. As it turned out, it was the wrong thing to say because the anger immediately returned to Tom.
'He talked about paying you a visit,' Tom said, shutting down fast as Harry watched his reaction in surprise.
'I can take care of myself,' she said hoarsely, not willing to believe any of this.
'Yes, I saw that,' Tom mocked. 'Your wand was over there,' he said pointing over to the glass of water. 'You were completely out, didn't even notice me coming in.' He shook his head.
'That might be true, but I can defend myself,' she repeated, watching him closely. 'You need your sleep, too,' she added after another moment, taking in his pale face and the slight bags under his eyes.
Tom scoffed, and it looked undignified on his handsome face. She shook her head thoughtfully. The boy was careful with her, but he wasn't protective. Thinking back to the weird tension that had been in the room when she woke up, she leaned back against the wall to look at him again.
'You aren't just here, because you are worried for me,' she said, noting the stiffness in his shoulders. Something about this didn't add up.
He'd been distracting himself, playing with her wand when she'd woken up, hadn't he? He'd sought her out and stayed to talk to her after he'd been caught, which also didn't make sense for him, not really, not if it was about sitting guard. And alright, the idea of that alone felt absurd why would he— and then it clicked.
'You're worried about what you wanted to do to Billy.' She stared at him in shock, and, if she didn't know better, she could have sworn she'd seen him flush.
But he didn't look upset; he looked fascinated. 'How come you've only been here for a few weeks, and yet you already have a better understanding of me than anyone else ever had?' he asked in wonder as he reached out to her face, cupping her cheek with his hand.
'What am I going to do about you?'
This was getting too intimate in a weird way, and her poor dumb brain kept trying to remind her of how dangerous this boy was. But the last few weeks of honest interactions had shown her that he really didn't seem like he was even close to becoming the monster she knew him as.
'What did you want to do with Billy?' she whispered, trying to reign over her emotions and control her frazzled mind.
Tom's face transformed into a grimace again. 'He told them all about what their roles would be,' he sneered.
'They'd come for you in the middle of the night. He'd wake you up and force a sock into your mouth to shut you up,' Tom looked over at her to stare at her mouth.
'Michael and Simon would hold you down, Michael on the arms and Simons on the legs.' His eyes trailed over her wrists and her bare thighs, and she stopped herself from flinching.
'He'd pull up your sleep shirt and help Simon spread your legs, open them wide enough for him to settle between them.' There were no more wondering eyes; instead he was staring at the floor now.
'And then he'd fuck you, and, if they did a good job of helping him, he'd let them fuck you, too,' he finished, eyes snapping up to her as if he was willing her to understand what kind of person Billy Stubbs was.
Harry went pale. She felt a bit lightheaded. She hadn't thought that they'd try to come for her in a group. That would have been difficult to fight off.
'I wanted to Crucio him,' he told her as he raked his hand through his hair and looked at nothing in particular.
'I did it to Dolohov once when he tried to rat me out to Slughorn, our Potions Professor. He told him about what I was researching in the library, and I almost lost privileges for the entire year. I got him to walk right back in there, apologize, and confess to his lie not even a day later.' His hands were wound tight around her wand, and she watched him attentively.
'I wanted to crucio him until he stopped screaming, until he pissed his pants, until all he was capable of were silent sobs and then I wanted to push him some more.'
His eyes were focused on her bed when he said that, as if the horrid scene was still playing itself out in his head.
She was no stranger to violent fantasies like that, but they only ever had been about Uncle Vernon or Umbridge. The difference between her and Tom was that she'd never followed up on them.
'But you didn't' She tugged on his sleeve, and he turned to look at her.
'I couldn't. The ministry would have found out about it. Mrs. Cole kicking me out would have been the least of my worries,' he said, trying to gage her reaction.
'Yes, that's why people usually don't use Unforgiveable curses,' she said slowly, nodding her head at him as if she was talking to a child, and he looked actually offended.
'Ow, fuck. Did you just pinch me?' Harry asked rubbing her arm.
'This isn't funny,' he scowled at her.
'No it's not.'
She heaved a deep sigh and confessed something she'd deemed too dark to share with Hermione. 'I once knew someone who I despised so deeply that I actually dreamed about cursing that pink horror of a person as well. In my dream, I put them in a body bind and left her in a nest of Acromantulas. Of course, I didn't end up doing that, but my point is Billy Stubbs is not worth getting in trouble over. He won't hurt me,' she put a lot of emphasis on that last part, and Tom heaved a sigh.
'He might just be this fixated on you because he knows that you're talking to me,' he admitted.
'Stop making this about yourself. He's been singling me out ever since I got here, and he's going to be horrid after you leave,' she said, rolling her eyes, feeling Tom tense up next to her again.
'It's going to be fine,' she stressed again, and Tom looked at her as if she was actually crazy.
'How are you this calm?' he asked, and she was about to shrug when he asked a much more uncomfortable question instead.
'Does it have anything to do with your scars?'
She froze when his hand reached out towards the lightning bolt on her forehead, but she didn't move.
This was perverse curiosity on her part, but before she could even start to analyze what was wrong with her for letting this happen, his fingers had already brushed against her scar, and … there was nothing; no pain, no burning. Nothing.
He moved away again, looking at her arms and hands. 'I must not tell lies,' he read, raising his eyebrows. His eyes trailed up to the huge white scar that was left from the basilisk tooth.
'That one looks like a puncture wound,' he murmured, letting his gaze wander down her legs.
'I used to get a lot of attention for all the wrong things. Accidental magic, telling the truth when no one wanted to hear it, meddling,' she recounted, trying not to let her frustration bleed over.
'What does that mean?' He stared at the hand that was still holding his wand.
'It means that I'm used to dealing with serious matters on my own.' Most of the big confrontations she'd had to face alone in the end.
Tom nodded before he let his head fall back against the wall behind them, essentially baring his throat to her, and Harry was slowly getting used to seeing him vulnerable.
'It's going to be okay,' she said to no one in particular, not even to herself. They were both too broken to find solace in empty promises like that but it wasn't about being placated. It was about having someone around who cared enough to want to placate them. The fact that they now both had someone who would, in a world where it often felt like nothing was ever going to be okay again was comforting.
She hadn't been looking at the time, which was why she startled when she heard the soft prattle of Edna's footsteps.
Tom quickly hurried to the closet while Harry walked over to her bed secured the wand in the waistband of her underwear and took a few replenishing sips from her glass of water.
The door was opened carefully, and Edna's head peaked through. 'You're awake.' she whispered and smiled, relieved.
'I'm surprised, too,' Harry snorted. Honestly, if Tom hadn't disturbed her, she would probably have been out cold until now.
'You should have told Mrs. Cole that they're working you to the bone,' Edna reprimanded sternly.
'She seemed like she needed the help,' Harry murmured, embarrassed.
'Oh bullshit!' Edna rolled her eyes at her and stared her down staunchly. 'She just wants to keep you away from Riddle.'
'Ah,' Harry nodded and hoped that would be that.
'He's a bad sort.' Edna went on, examining her, 'not a good boy to fall for.'
Harry groaned when she realized what she was implying. 'I'll keep that in mind,' she finally said.
'It's just, deep down Billy is a really nice guy, you know? He's not going about this the right way, but I really think you should give him a chance.' Edna nodded at her and Harry almost dropped the bottle of milk she was preparing.
Harry breathed deeply, trying to calm herself. 'Billy has done nothing but been mean to me. He tries to grope me, he regularly stares at me, and he makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd rather date the toe rag down the street than give that boy the time of day,' she finished a lot less calm than she'd set out to be, but Tom's description of what he'd heard was still on the forefront of her mind. And to her surprise Edna laughed.
'Alright, alright,' she placated. 'No need to go so far! Keep Riddle but don't tell me I didn't warn you about him,' she said as she reached for the first bottle, and Harry could do nothing more than watch her, dumbfounded. Harry could say whatever she wanted, but it truly didn't matter because people weren't listening to her. They hadn't done it in her own time, and they sure as hell didn't do so now. The only common denominator between those two environments was her.
So, she really had to ask herself what about her inspired people to always ignore her opinion? What did she broadcast when she shared her thoughts or feelings about something that seemed to invite everyone to talk over her? Did the Dursley's really mess her up that badly?
After they were done putting the drowsy babies back to sleep, she freed Tom from her closet and glared at him.
'We're not even talking to each other when we're here, at least not where they can see us,' she grumbled.
'You touch me all the time,' he said, and she frowned uncomprehendingly at him.
'They don't do that,' he elaborated, unimpressed with her unawareness.
'I don't touch you all the time.' Harry's frown deepened as she tried to think of a time when they'd touched.
'During the air raids,' he said and pointedly didn't look at her disbelieving expression.
They both knew that he was the one that sidled up against her during the air raids, but she wouldn't say anything about it if he was that prideful about it, not yet, anyway.
'Can I have my wand back now?' Tom asked her, and she looked at him in shock.
'Yeah sure,' she murmured, blushing a bit as she pulled up the side of her dress shirt, quickly dislodged the wand from her waistband and handing it back to a blatantly staring Tom.
'That's where you keep it?' he asked her while absentmindedly handing her own wand back to her.
'Not usually,' she lied, and the corner of his mouth ticked up into a knowing smirk.
X
They spend the beginning of August without any more nightly surprises.
A week after the incident an owl reached her just as she left Flourish and Blott's. She would recognize the letter it carried anywhere. It was addressed to Ms. Harry Evans in beautiful green ink. The heavy parchment was adorned with the red wax seal she's come to associate with Hogwarts, home. A feeling of dread settled in the pit of her stomach.
They couldn't have gotten her information from the registry which meant Riddle had something to do with it. She didn't bother waiting for him that day and walked back immediately, not feeling ready to open the letter.
Back at the orphanage, she did her utmost to ignore Riddle, distracting herself by chatting with Mary for a bit before it was finally time to retire for the night.
In her bed, far away from meddling Dark Lords and pathetic horny buffoons that tried to feel her up in the food line, she carefully opened the letter.
HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY
Headmaster of Hogwarts: Armando Dippet
Order of Merlin Second Class
Advisor to the Department of Education
Dear Ms. Harry Evans,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Your dear friend Mr. Riddle has gone through exceptional lengths to let us know about your situation, and we welcome you at our school. You will be provided with an opportunity to prove your abilities.
Attached to this letter is a key that you may use to access your new student vault at Gringotts. You'll be provided with fifty galleons for each school year. This money should cover your book and uniform expenses as well as school supplies such as quills, ink, and parchment.
Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment.
Term begins on 1st September.
Yours sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore
Deputy Headmaster
Harry stared at the letter in trepidation. They were aware of her existence now, and they would be expecting her on the 1st September. She hadn't even been provided with the option to decline, not that she would have been able to. The yearning for the place she belonged had never stopped, and how could she decline a place to return home to?
She could decline the idea of maybe returning to Hogwarts. That much was easy, but this, this was impossible for her to walk away from, and she hated Riddle for doing this to her.
He knew that she didn't want to go. She'd been telling him all about how much she liked the idea of self-management and independence. It's been a whole lot of lying and a whole lot of useless. Harry felt the tears coming and took a few shuddering breaths to dispel her anxiety.
Ever since getting back, she'd always assumed that she'd find a way home, somehow, that she'd manage to continue where she'd left off, but now she realized that maybe she wouldn't be able to do that.
Something about her scar had changed. She knew that that was a glaring sign on its own, but in addition to her lack of nightmares, she wasn't in pain anymore.
She hadn't been able to test her theory, but she was willing to bet that she'd lost her ability to speak Parseltongue as well.
On its own, all of these changes could be considered positive. She'd lost the weirdness, the otherness that just didn't make sense about her. But how would she ever be able to slot back into her place in time when she wasn't whole anymore? She shook her head, and started rereading the letter.
Was not going really an option?
Wouldn't that raise even more eyebrows than just going and keeping her head down?
She would have no meaningful friendships. She'd try to garner as little attention as possible and just do a whole lot of learning. The Hogwarts library was fantastic, not to mention the potions classroom with its seemingly endless supplies of ingredients and a very lax Slughorn; it was a match made in heaven, at least for her. It wasn't like she had spent a lot of time there voluntarily, but she certainly learned her way around it.
She let herself fall back against her pillow. She wouldn't have chosen this for herself, that much was certainly true.
On the other hand, Harry could recognize that staying in muggle London during the Blitz was far from the smartest choice she could make, especially since her job would end by summer, which would give her little to no leeway to get away from Mrs. Cole. But she was allowed to make bad decisions. That was her prerogative, damn it! Tom had no right to take that away from her!
Not wanting to think about any of it anymore, she closed her eyes and let sleep claim her.
X
During the early hours of the morning, she heard something rustle next to her. Feeling sleepy and angry still, she didn't do much more than grunt, 'Not now Tom,' which was met with low laughter and snickering. She was immediately alert, eyes wide, staring in shock at the boys in front of her before her survival instincts kicked in, and she tried to scoot back into a sitting position.
'Who knew that Riddle had it in him?' Billy said, grinning meanly.
There were two other boys at the end of her bed, Simon and Michael. She stared between them in apprehension, remembering what Tom had told her about their plan. And then there were hands reaching for her, her guttural scream stifled by Billy's clammy hand pressed over her mouth with so much force that she knew she'd bruise.
She kicked out at Simon and heard him choke as his grip on her left leg weakened, empowered by his stifled noises of pain, she did it again.
Trying to ignore Billy's clammy, disgusting hand over her mouth, she thrashed against her attackers, catching Michael with her elbow.
The babies were screaming now, and she knew that this ruckus had to wake up someone soon, so she trashed for another few moments, her hand firmly around her wand under her pillow. The guys were growing more and more desperate now, Michael pushed her upper body back into her headboard by her shoulders with so much force that the impact of it left her breathless.
'We need to leave,' Simon wheezed from his position on the ground.
'I know,' Billy said staring at her something cruel. 'If you tell anyone about this…,' he started and then she felt something cold against her hip: he had a knife.
Billy fucking Stubbs held a knife just out of her reach, well aware that it was unwise to hold it closer to her with the way she'd been thrashing around.
Her grip on her wand tightened, and she was just about to cast a silent Expulso when the door flew open, and an alarmed Mrs. Cole took in the situation.
'Get off her!' she screamed immediately, reaching for the broom in the entryway and batting it at the boys with a ferocity Harry had never seen in her.
Not too long after, her attackers were all standing at the opposite end of the room, Simon was still limping pathetically. Michael had a black eye, and Billy held on to his knife, flushing and staring at Harry furiously. Yeah, she had to leave this shithole. If their facial expressions proved anything, they'd try this again. They all looked defiant and far from guilty.
'Go get Edna and then sort yourself out,' Mrs. Cole said to Harry, obviously wanting to talk to the boys alone.
Harry nodded, getting out of there as fast as she could without running for the door. Hurrying up the stairs, she could already see a few of the others watching her curiously; they had obviously woken up because of the commotion. Good.
Edna took one look at her and nodded, lips pressed together tightly, expression pinched, already hurrying to the stairs to follow her back. 'Do you need me?' she asked when they reached the room, and Harry shook her head.
'No, they didn't get far,' Harry explained tiredly, 'I just need a moment to sort myself out.'
Edna nodded as she opened the door with a murderous glare.
Harry was eager to wash up. Taking her nightshirt off she looked at herself in the mirror. Her shorts covered her up sufficiently, and, since she'd started kicking out immediately, no one had managed to do much more than try to stop her from hurting them even more. Her top was still tucked into the waistband, it looked pristinely white, and she liked that, liked the feeling that they hadn't gotten near this, hadn't even been able to strip off that first layer.
The bruises were already starting to form. The one on her face was probably the most jarring. It was eerie that she'd just asked herself yesterday why no one bothered to listen to her, why she wasn't heard, and that she was running around with a bruised mouth, now.
She kept washing herself with cold water, trying to get rid of the tingly feeling where she'd been shoved and pressed down. She couldn't wash away the bruises, but it felt good to try, nonetheless.
Not even a few minutes later, the door to the bathroom opened. She quickly turned around, wand hidden behind her back, just to see Tom stare at her, eyes wide with something like panic.
'No,' she said, feeling vulnerable enough in her position. She pointed her wand at his chest.
'Turn around,' her voice was sharp as she said it, and Tom waited for a moment, just staring at the dark hand shaped bruises on her pale arm before he complied.
'You're hurt,' Tom said through clenched teeth.
'You should see them,' she murmured, gently wiping over her mouth and face with the washcloth again.
'I will,' Tom vowed, and Harry frowned at herself in the mirror.
'They didn't get far. I was just about to cast an Expulso when Mrs. Cole rushed in to help,' she said tiredly.
There was a moment of tense silence between them before Tom asked, 'Are you alright?'
Harry wondered about that, too. Technically she felt okay, realistically, she'd walked away from the Quidditch field with a lot more damage done to her body. If she'd casted that Expulso sooner, nothing would have happened. But she knew that the babies and the ruckus would garner everyone's attention, and well, she had taken the chance. It had been her choice and not fear numbing her movements. It was true that the kind of violence and the intent behind it differed greatly from what she was used to but…
'I'm okay, just a bit shaken up,' she admitted as she walked over to the mirror. She was still only wearing her underwear, but it covered everything up sufficiently. It had become necessary to rid herself of the dress shirt because she didn't want to sleep in a soggy one later, not that she thought that she'd be doing much sleeping tonight. When she changed back into it, she realized that she already felt a lot better.
Tom waited for her to stand next to him and tap him on the shoulder before he turned to look at her again, and he looked kind of lost, like he didn't quite know what to do: angry because he had known that something like this would happen and helpless because he hadn't known how to deal with it.
Now that he was looking at her like that, she couldn't help but think that maybe he'd also been sitting on her bedroom floor because he'd wanted to reassure himself that she'd be alright.
She took a deep breath before reaching out to him cautiously, aware that this might be something he didn't want, and prepared to back away if that was the case.
She knew that she'd be able to recover from this. The idea of Billy Stubbs having power over her was tied to the situation Mrs. Cole and her circumstances had forced her into, and she had the power to change both. So, she knew that she would catch herself, and function as if nothing happened soon enough. He didn't seem like the type who would be able to do the same thing, though. He stewed in his anger.
Tom examined her carefully, expression still somewhat guarded, but fear clearly apparent. Harry slowly realized that she really meant something to him.
Her arms snuck underneath his arms and brushed against his sides as she stepped in closer to him, pressing her face slowly into his chest. It almost felt as if he was the fragile one, and, tentatively, in a way he'd never quite managed to touch her before, she invited him into the hug.
Maybe he'd tried to be like that the first time in the bunker, but she was starting to think that he just didn't know how to test a boundary like this.
Tom exhaled shakily above her head before he enfolded her in his arms.
For a few heartbeats they didn't move and just took comfort in the warmth of the other person. She hadn't quite known who she did this for, to reassure him or to feel solaced, before she did it, but now that she was hugging him, she realized that she'd been the one who really needed this, needed to feel like she wasn't in this on her own. She took in a shuddering breath and the arms around her tightened, but she didn't cry.
'I'm still mad about Hogwarts,' she whispered into his chest, and even though she couldn't see him, she knew he looked at her in disbelief. There was a loaded silence between them, and she could practically feel him trying to hold back the reminder that what happened today would have never happened at Hogwarts. Preventing this situation had been on the forefront of his mind. That was the whole reason he had written a letter to Dippet in the first place. The reasons for it all hung unsaid between them.
'I don't care,' she murmured at the offended silence, and he sighed and squeezed her slightly in silent acknowledgment or wonder that he was allowed to do that, she didn't know.
They separated after that, much too soon for Harry's liking because, as much she loathed the warped, older version of Tom, this had somehow become her Tom, and she knew it was messed up, but it was still true.
She ran her fingers through her hair nervously before looking up at him. He was staring at her mouth, well, not really her mouth, more the finger shaped dark bruises near her mouth and around her jaw.
She squeezed his hand once more before ducking out of the bathroom and walking towards the, hopefully, empty nursery.