Meanwhile Ash was in her room, trying to find the right words that wold stop them from blaming themselves, but she couldn't come up with anything, she had started writing for the fifteenth time, she had heard Jill talking to Jonathon and Katie, so she knew she was coming to her, she quickly cleared her desk of the scrunched up balls of paper and covered the notepad, she moved over to her bed and grabbed a book, just as Jill tapped on her door, she didn't wait for a response her hands were full so Katie helped by slightly opening the door
"Can I come in" asked Jill
Ash nodded, getting up to help and take something from her, Jill let her take her bag, which Ash placed on the desk
"Here you go" said Jill giving Ash her drink
Jill noticed the bin was full
"Have you been drawing" asked Jill
"No" replied Ash puzzled, she saw Jill look at the bin
"Ohh, that I was just looking for something, and I thought I would get rid of somethings" replied Ash putting her drink down
Jill went to say something
"Anyway, I thought you wanted to check this" said Ash, lifting her top
Jill put her cup down
"I'm not just here for that, I'm here if you need to talk" replied Jill
"Talking is over rated" replied Ash
Jill went to lift the plaster
Ash winced
"Sorry, baby, it seems alright, but I will have to change the dressing tomorrow" said Jill
"Okay" replied Ash, picking up her book, hoping that was going to be the end of it
"Ash, the others feel really guilty" started Jill
"They shouldn't it's not their fault, it's mine, that's why" started Ash, stopping herself, knowing she had said too much already
"That's why? What" asked Jill
"It doesn't matter" replied Ash, knowing Jill wouldn't let it go that easily
"That's why" asked Jill again, concerned now
Ash didn't say anything, she just turned her head away and stared at her cup
"That's why, you have locked yourself away" asked Jill, hoping it was nothing worse, but fearing it might be
Ash didn't say anything
"Ash look at me, your scaring me now, is that why you don't want to be around us, you think if you keep yourself away, you will cause us less pain" asked Jill
Ash nodded; she knew this was the best thing for them to think right now
"Ash, ohh thank god, you've had me really worried, I thought it could be something much worse" said Jill, relieved
"Sorry" said Ash
"Come here" said Jill, wanting to give Ash a great big hug, Ash did as she was asked
"You, know we are all really worried about you" said Jill
"I've been trying to stop you from worrying" replied Ash
"I know you have; I can see that now" replied Jill
The others were being impatient and went up to see Jill and Ash
"Mum, can we come in" asked Tom
Jill looked at Ash before either of them could answer
"Have you asked her yet" asked Katie
Ash looked at Jill puzzled
"No, not yet, can you give us a minute" asked Jill getting up and shutting the door
"What is it, is it grandad" asked Ash
"No, it's nothing like that" replied Jill sitting on the bed next to Ash
They could hear the others talking in the hallway
"One second" said Jill getting up and going to the door, she opened it
"Ash, please say yes, we promise it will be fun" said Tom quickly
"Right you lot, back downstairs, leave us alone for a bit" said Jill, thinking she was just starting to get some where
"What do you mean" asked Ash
"What's going on" asked Gordon
"Please, just leave me alone" said Ash, getting annoyed, she couldn't even be left alone in her room, thinking that they had this planned
"Jill" asked Gordon concerned
"We, were all going to go downstairs and talk about earlier" said Jill
"Let's go then" said Gordon
"Stupid, stupid, stupid" mumbled Ash, Jill heard her and looked towards her
"I'll be down in a minute; I've just got to pack my things away" said Jill
"Right, come on kids" said Gordon, ushering them down
"Sweetheart" started Jill
"Don't say it, it's all my fault" sobbed Ash
"Come here, no it's not" replied Jill, taking her into a hug and trying her best to soothe her
"Ssshh, you are not stupid, and whatever you have to say, you can say it to me" added Jill
"I can't" replied Ash
"Of course, you can" replied Jill
"No, I can't do that to you" replied Ash
Jill looked her in the eyes
"I can't make you choose between us, and not telling dad and the others what I say" added Ash, knowing what Jill was trying to say
"Let, me be the judge of that" replied Jill
"I won't put you through that, I can't" replied Ash
"Sweetheart, you are scaring me now" said Jill
"Sorry" replied Ash
"Whatever you say, will stay between us" interrupted Jill
"I can't" started Ash, just as the phone rang, Gordon answered it
"Jill" shouted Gordon
"One minute" replied Jill
"No, we have to go now" replied Gordon
"Hold that thought" said Jill to Ash
"Okay, coming" replied Jill, going to leave
"Mum" said Ash making Jill look back
"You, night need this" added Ash, handing Jill her bag
"Thank you, sweetheart" replied Jill, taking the bag and making her way downstairs
"What is it" asked Jill
"We've been called in" replied Gordon
"Kid's be good and leave your sister alone" added Gordon
"Yes, dad" replied Tom, Jonathon and Katie
Jill grabbed her things and followed Gordon out to her car, they drove to the royal in silence
Meanwhile back at the house, Ash finished her drink, then got back to writing
Dear all,
I'm so sorry you will, never know how sorry I am, but I don't want to be in pain anymore, I wanted you to know,
Wrote Ash she then crossed out wanted and wrote needed instead and then carried on writing
That I love you all and that I am so grateful you took me in and let me be a part of your family. I know I didn't make it easy for you and I am very sorry, but I am trying to make it right now. I want you to know, I don't blame any of you for what happened, it was all my fault, and I can't live with the fact that I've hurt you. So, I've got to do this, I'm going to do what should have been done all those years ago.
Mum, I know you are going to blame yourself, but please don't you have been the best mother and friend to me, even when I haven't deserved it. It's just me I can't live with the way I've hurt you
I'm so sorry, I hope you will forgive me in time.
Ash paused, to read what she had written and to think of what else she could say to help ease the pain, she started writing again
P.S. Katie, Tom and Jonathon, don't be so hard on mum and dad, they will need you more than ever, just try to call them a bit more, not just when you need them, but maybe when they need you as well
I know you will all be fine without me, I'm hoping this will make you all better off as Aunt B, won't be hanging around anymore, if she so much as tries to blame mum or dad, you have my permission to tell her how much I hated her, and to look in the mirror, before blaming others and if that doesn't work to do whatever is needed for her understand
And finally, mum and dad, I know you only ever wanted what was best for me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for making me who I was, please don't be sad, and remember the good times before I messed up badly
I love you all, and please take care of each other
Ash
Ash finished writing, she then reread it before, writing it again with no mistakes, she then folded it up and placed it in her bag, she then got her cup and bin and took them both downstairs, she could hear the others talking, it sounded like they were trying to plan something, she made her way into the kitchen and saw the draining board full of drying up, she flicked the kettle on, then started drying up, she could still hear the others in the front room
"I think Ash is in the kitchen we could ask her ourselves" said Jonathon
"I don't hear anything" replied Katie
"Anyway, we still have to plan everything, who are we going to invite to the party" added Tom
"You heard mum, Ash wouldn't want that, why can't it be just us, fooling around" replied Jonathon
Meanwhile in the kitchen Ash had finished the drying up, she then went to empty her bin, but the bin was already full, so she went to take them out
The others heard the back door close