Hamilton, New York

'Dear Bobby,'

Her vision blurring, the tears soon running down her face, the first drop on the page smudged the ink, ruining the letter, although she knew she'd never be able to send it even if she did complete it.

Bobby didn't know and he couldn't know, that was how it was and how it would stay.

Christopher James Wentworth was theirs, but on paper he was only hers. She'd signed the forms, leaving a space where Bobby's name should have gone. She'd signed the forms and moved on with her life, in theory at least.

They'd let her hold him, only for a few minutes and only under the supervision of a staff member, but she'd been able to say hello, count his ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes, brush her hand over his few strands of dark hair, and give him a kiss, then she'd had to say goodbye. They assured her he was going to a good home, one not so different to her own, but in the moment nothing could have calmed her, and in the weeks since she'd barely gone a few hours without her feelings bubbling up from within and making themselves known.

The reminders of her ordeal were everywhere, from the twenty extra pounds she was still carrying to the constant tears, nothing could distract her and nothing could detract from the heartbreak she felt. Heading from London to New York had been her choice, hoping college would be as she'd always dreamt it would, but it hadn't and now she was stuck.

Her roommate thought her tears were due to homesickness, her classmates assumed she must be shy, and she was sure the eligible men on campus hadn't noticed her. She was quiet now, quiet and unassuming, the opposite of what she'd been before, not that anyone with her now knew that, they didn't know how she'd been in the past.

In theory, she should have been happy with her life; she was in college, a time in her life she'd spent years daydreaming about, however her thoughts were consumed with another life. Christopher was nearly four weeks old now, he was likely bigger than she remembered him being, his face rounder from the expected weight gain. She had her memories and a couple of pictures but they were of a fixed period in time, a time they'd never get back.

She loved him, her son; she'd chosen what she'd truly believed was best for him, but she had regrets. She wanted to be a mother, she'd always imagined one day she'd be a mother, and she was one now, the timing was just particularly bad and the circumstances were less than ideal.

She'd spent months mentally preparing herself to leave the hospital without him, to get on with her life as a single lady again, and she remembered thinking at the time that the pain was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before in her life, but now, in hindsight everything was different. She barely remembered the actual pain, just the aftereffects she was still living with, and emotionally she had strange and impossible ideas constantly going through her head. If she could take the perfect little baby Christopher had been when she'd held him and freeze his aging until she was ready for him, she would mother him without hesitation.

Her mother had reassured her that she would feel maternal love again one day, that she'd receive the love of an infant in return, that she'd have everything that she was supposed to in an ideal world, and that reassurance did help, however it didn't diminish her pain. She found comfort in the idea that she would marry and bring another child into the world in just a few years, but in the meantime, Christopher would be growing up without her.

Bobby knew nothing of the situation, not that their one night together had had more than emotional consequences, not that she'd considered him when naming their son, and not that she'd struggled with her decision since it had become real. She would love to lean on him for support, she imagined he might be good at that, but she couldn't do it; she'd made a decision to withhold any and all information months ago and to tell all now would be far too complicated, especially since she no longer had their son in her possession.

Bobby had been angry with her the first time her twisted truth had been revealed and she couldn't pretend she didn't know the same could and very likely would occur if she ever revealed the deeper, even more twisted truth.

Cliff didn't know either, and he never would, not because she didn't think family was important and lies had destroyed them once before, but because Cliff had been close to Pam and Pam had been married to Bobby, so if he knew, the news would get back to Bobby and she couldn't have that.

She couldn't have JR knowing either, he'd immediately connect the dots, he'd know, and as well as he'd managed to keep his mouth shut in the past, she didn't trust that that silence would be good forever, that one day he wouldn't let it slip and then the house of cards she'd constructed around her would collapse.

Her secret was her secret, hers and her parents; the less people that knew the better, except in situations like now, where she might have liked to talk out her feelings, to tell someone how awful she felt. No one could know though, not her roommate, not her extended family, not even Alice. It had to remain a secret, forever.

Christopher had a new family now, one she'd been told time and time again were kind and loving, one who wanted him and could give him everything, one she had to trust were everything she'd been led to believe they were.

She had a new life too, one she ought to be enjoying. On the surface college was everything she'd imagined it to be, but she wasn't experiencing it as she'd thought she would. One day it might, but today wasn't that day.

To be continued…