AN: you guys are amazing, the reviews I received for the last chapter was the biggest response I've gotten from any one of my stories in over a year...I think since one of my cliffhangers in ISIKYW? Anyways, I really appreciate it. Some of you complimenting me and my writing, that seriously makes my day, you have no idea how happy that makes me. And for those of you leaving reviews about what you think and what you want to happen in the story, some of you sound so passionate and genuinely waiting for the next update, thank you. You are all the best, and trust that if I could meet you in person, you'd get a big ass hug and one of my signature goofy grins.
xo Lina
Emily's POV
Caleb took us back to Wren's place in silence. I was fully aware of what had happened and I had known mostly why; the sounds of the branches overhead triggered another...flashback; well that's what Dr. Pearson said I should call them, so I guess that's what they were now. But the thing about these flashbacks of my life before the...accident, because that's what we're calling that too, is that my nightmares always feel just as vivid...so how was I supposed to know what was real or not? Made up or memory?
The only reason I knew this one wasn't a twisted way of my mind filling in the blanks was because Alison told me about it before I even remembered. She beat my brain to what felt like was the literal punch.
She tole me on more than one occasion that I saved her, that she left to get help and it was one of the hardest things she had to do. But if it was so hard, why did she keep leaving? She left that night in the barn right, that's when she said it all started. She left the first time before I tracked her down to -A's lair and again when I was dying.
Those weren't nightmares yet just as terrifying as if they were.
When I wake up each day, from a nightmare or not, I tell myself that today will be better, that each day that passes, is time that passes, and that I'm healing. I'm not expecting some miracle where suddenly I wake up and realize that things are back to normal...whatever that was.
No, I just want to wake up and know what I'm doing, what I want, I want to have a purpose. I want to know who I am.
So in the minutes we spend walking back to Wren's place, I stay silent. Absorbed in my head again...my mind, mostly empty, yet managing to find a way to always keep me awake at night.
I wondered if it was the same for anyone else? Did Mona and Ali remember the place we were all kept? Do Caleb, Toby and Ezra torture themselves with all the what-ifs about the girls? I don't know, and maybe I never will.
I've only ever heard my own screams.
Ali was close behind us, maybe 5 steps away, and I could occasionally feel her staring at me. I may have put her through more than I anticipated I would. I feel guilty for backing away from her, guilty even for blurting that I remembered.
In the span of a few seconds, I watched the hope in her eyes flare up and distinguish. I know why. She was hoping that when I said that, that what I remembered was everything.
She thought that maybe I was her Emily again.
And I wish I did have everything come flooding back to me...but it didn't.
She was wrong.
One memory and I had to calm myself with the rocking and chanting and clutching my jeans; that was hard enough. I couldn't imagine the strength I would need if it all came to me at once.
But for Alison, for me, I wish it would've. Remembering the day we escaped, that gave me back part of her Emily. The Emily that doesn't question the feelings she has for Alison, the Emily that loves her irrevocably. I got a piece of her back and I couldn't be mad that that Emily put us here.
Us: the me now and the me everyone is waiting for. We are one in the same, so I don't why I was fighting so hard to think of us, of me, in two different versions. But that's how it was right? Before and after the accident, I was different than I was.
I felt this pang of guilt in my chest that Ali feels at fault for this, that she feels responsible for what happened to me when I remember the not thinking before throwing myself in front of her. I loved her...deep down, I'm sure that's still there...but I loved her so much that I would save her at the cost of-
The only justification was that I was under the control of my own feelings. I wasn't upset for it, I just did. And the piece of Emily I got back told me, I would do it every time: I would take the flying bullets.
But me right now, who trembles in her sleep, who blinks and wishes that when she opens her eyes, it's not into some false reality or heightened dream-like state of mind, doesn't know.
This Emily, the Emily some monster made me, well, she wishes that she could talk and not feel like she was running out of breath, she'd like to sleep and wake up feeling safe from herself. I'd like to know if I had a good childhood, if I did okay in high school, I'd love to know all the words to the songs I would sing in the shower.
I was telling myself who to be now, how this new memory changed me, when I realized we were at the apartment's door.
Before anything else happened, I was pulled in by Mona and within 10 minutes I was in a change of clothes, laying down a couch with some tea on the table beside me and a migraine pressing behind my eyes.
I let her guide me and coax me and treat me like I was so fragile. After all, it was exactly how I felt.
I didn't want to be removed from the action but I couldn't deny the fact that my body felt weak, drained, so I welcomed the idea of getting some sleep, letting the lull of everyone's voices in the kitchen calm my nerves down in the slightest of degrees.
I don't even know how long I was laying there, mostly doing what I had been very good at doing: pretending to sleep.
But I did hear most of what they were saying, and from that I got that we were driving to the cabin rental/lodge place that Wren helped us find, in the was it, I guess, the day really had come. The day that everything since the...accident, was centered around.
One by one I heard everyone talk about sleeping arrangements, no one bothering this time to set up sleep schedules and watch shifts. I heard Toby and Ezra search for extra blankets, laying them on the floor in the hallway and laying at each end.
It seemed everyone wanted their space and I was surprised that not everyone tried to sleep on the furniture in the quaint living room around me.
Mona's voice sounded in the kitchen with Caleb's nearby, both mumbling something I couldn't quite make out and I figured they made their arrangements to sleep there as soon as I heard the unmistakable clicking of a keyboard.
That left one of us unaccounted for: Alison.
I shifted lightly and kept my eyes closed and my breathing as even as possible, listening intently for any movement.
Why? Why was I waiting for her? Why was I suddenly hoping that she would want to lay somewhere near me?
Because I just wanted her near me.
It was comforting to know that no matter what had happened to me, she would be around for me. At first, I thought she was treating me like I was a house of cards, like the littlest of shakes would destroy me, but it wasn't that.
I was hurt, I had been broken, not completely, just pieces of me, and she wanted to be there with me to fix the others and tell me how to use the pieces that were still in tact.
She just needed to be that close and protective...she just...always wanted to be right by my side.
She loved me.
And I didn't need the memory to come to me today to realize that. I guess I was just too afraid to admit it. Remembering that day...it was the final push I needed.
She loved me.
And I...
I needed time.
No One's POV
Emily lay there for minutes, maybe it was an hour until she finally noticed that Mona and Caleb had been silent for a long time, and she was still stuck in between sleep and staying up waiting for Ali. Waiting because somehow she knew Ali would come.
She would come right, she asked herself, fighting off the doubt with all the energy she had left. Emily started to worry that maybe when she backed away from Ali like that, that maybe the blonde felt like Em was regretting her choice to save her. Like if she could, she would take it back.
Em sat up abruptly then, intent on finding Alison and explaining that it wasn't like that, not really.
But when she flipped over on the couch and sat up, she was surprised to find Alison at the door, her hand on the doorknob and her head rested against it, a black bag slung over her shoulders.
It was dark in the place but the shine in Ali's golden hair from whatever source the light was coming from made her unmistakable.
Em sat up and stared at the back of Alison's head, watching and waiting to see if she was going to leave.
But where would she go? Why was she leaving? And would she really leave without saying good bye? All were questions that left a heavy feeling in Em's chest when she thought about them.
It felt like she was holding her breath, watching Alison. But she wasn't moving, nothing except for the barely noticeable way her back moved in accordance to the breaths she was taking.
Truth was, Ali was getting more information from Wren and then when she felt everyone was really sleeping, she gathered some things and had been standing at that door like that for almost an hour.
She couldn't decide, she couldn't make herself choose between staying with Emily or going ahead and saving everyone herself. She didn't need to risk everyone else's life if she was all Charles wanted. She could make the trade, get the girls and Emily's parents safe and that would be that.
Em would be safe, she'd have her family, Alison reasoned, everyone here and everyone Charles has taken is her family. She'll be fine. Alison almost laughed when she thought that, recalling her conversation with Caleb...the one about being fine.
Alison stayed at the door, weighing her options. The way Emily reacted earlier, it was enough to make her run out the door yet the persistent tug in her chest make her stay stuck at the door.
There was no denying she wanted what was best for Emily, she just-
Heard someone clear their throat, "were you at least going to say goodbye first?"
Ali froze, eyes wide, and lifted her head, a heat flushing her cheeks, "Emily?"
Alison turned around and swallowed, "what are you doing up?"
Em half thought about telling Ali the truth, but instead she sat up straighter, and turned her head away from the blonde, "I couldn't sleep."
"Are you in pain?" Ali asked, still unable to hide her concern, not that she was trying to anymore.
"No, it's not that," Em lifted her soft brown eyes, heavily lidded with exhaustion, "I was just thinking."
"Oh, I see," Ali stalled, "well-,"
"Were you going to leave?" Em asked bluntly, cutting the other woman off.
Alison knew she would be asked that, she had been caught, so she expected nothing less, but she didn't anticipate what she would give as the answer.
"I-I was um, I-."
"Please, just tell me the truth." Emily locked her eyes on the blue orbs that caught just shreds of light, enough to make them look as though they were glowing in the dark.
"I don't know what I was going to do," Alison answered truthfully.
"But you were thinking about it?" Emily's voice was getting louder so that her words could reach Ali's ears, and when Caleb started to stir in the kitchen chair he was sleeping in, Ali took a few steps closer.
"Yes," she answered again, "I was."
"Then why didn't you go, I've been watching you," Emily admitted, "your hand has been on the door knob, yet you kept standing there, and you didn't move."
Alison opened her mouth to say something, anything really, but she didn't know what she wanted to say, she didn't know what Emily wanted to hear.
And Emily only narrowed her eyes, "well?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Don't think about what I want you to say, just tell me the truth."
Alison knew this wasn't negotiable, Emily might think she is far different than 'her Em' but Emily will never really change, who she is won't go away, even if she can't remember.
"I wanted to leave, there, that is the truth okay? I wanted to leave, I just- I couldn't," Ali finally revealed.
"Why?" Emily pretended that hearing that Ali wanted to leave didn't hurt and asked again, "why?"
"Why what?" Alison said tiredly, sighing heavily.
"Why did you want to leave?" Emily crossed her arms and even from the distance that was between them, Alison could feel the tension building.
"I'm tired of the people I love getting hurt because of me," Alison spoke slowly pausing between her words and putting emphasis on the part where she blatantly blamed herself, "I'm tired of watching people get hurt because of me, of doing things they normally wouldn't because of me...I just, I know if I wanted to, I could stop it all myself."
Emily nodded, "so you'd leave alone and handle this on your own?"
Alison didn't know what to do with the new angry undertone in Emily's voice, so she dropped the bag that was over her shoulder onto the floor and took wary steps closer to the brunette.
"I would...if I opened the door."
"Then you were considering staying?"
"It's not that simple Em, I-,"
"Yes it is," Emily argued, scoffing, "yes or no?"
Alison stared in disbelief at this Emily in front of her now and somehow she ended up walking closer to the brunette, ignoring the look of protest before she sat down beside her on the couch.
"Yes," she said with a huff as she sat down, "yes, I was thinking of staying."
"Why?"
"We had a plan, it's a good plan, mine is simple, and flawed, so I was thinking about staying because it's logical thing to do."
"Alison, that was the reason your head gave you and I think you just made it up right now."
"And?"
"And I think you're lying, you were thinking about staying for another reason."
"Yeah, you know what, you seem to think you can read minds, so why don't you tell me Emily - if I was lying before - what the real reason is." Ali talked with her hands and ended with a sharp glare in her eyes.
Emily gulped and made a hard line with her lips, "you haven't been thinking with your head as much as you think you have been. Your so-called 'logic' isn't coming from thought out choices. You don't think before you act, you're impulsive."
"Yeah, that's what you think, is it?" Alison finally faced her body towards Emily and tried not to stare at her lips: the ones she had to try harder and harder everyday to remember the way they felt when pressed firmly against hers.
"No," Emily sighed, glancing down at Alison's mouth, a tingle of a memory ebbing at her, making her feel something foreign yet familiar twist in her stomach.
"Then...," Ali waited, "what?"
"It's what I know. I've been dealing with...this since I woke up right? And I didn't know any of you, I still - I still feel like I don't, not really. So all this time I've just been re-meeting you all. I've been watching you, learning...Mona, Toby, Ezra, and Caleb and you especially. I know there's so much of who I am in you. So I've watched you, and them, and I know the difference between thinking with our heads versus our hearts."
"You know all this from just watching us for these past few weeks?"
Emily nodded then sort of shrugged, "that and I know the difference in myself. Earlier tonight...when I remembered that day," Em took a deep breath, "I didn't just remember the scenery of it all, not just flashes like a sped up slide show. I remembered the way the walls smelled of wet and molded water, cold air that stuck to my lungs, I could see the place I was - that I was being hurt, and I could feel it all again. That was the biggest part. Getting hit by all those feelings...all at once. It's terrifying to feel so intensely and not know what any of it really means."
Both girls edged closer to each other and Emily could see the furrow in Alison's eyes match the one she felt on her own face, "I heard the way the branches above us moaned in the wind and it was like a switch was flipped or like this file cabinet of memories from that day exploded, but not just in my head; it was everywhere."
"Em," Ali tread cautiously, "what are you getting at?" She was nervous, not wanting to hope for...anything really. The let down would be too hard if she hoped.
"I'm saying - I guess I'm saying that I remember the way I felt for you too. In that moment, when -A was there, with that gun, it wasn't really a choice, it was like a reaction, like an instinct. My brain wasn't involved in the process, I was driven like you have been, by what I feel," she raised her arm and placed her hand over her heart, "in here."
Alison's breath hitched in her throat, muttering an, "oh," before letting the shaky breath back out.
"Oh, that's all?"
"No, Emily, I just, it's just that-,"
"You want to know what that means don't you? For me? For you?"
"For us," Ali dared to meet Emily's gaze and the brunette bit her lip nervously, "if there is an us."
"Ali, I saved you out of pure love. We're not just pain's servant, we act out of love too, not just pain and anger and passion. Love is the strongest we obey without question. That day, I know I didn't have to think because there was no other option than to save you. And..and I know I'm speaking for the Emily you had, not for me now, but I want you to know because I can't ignore the way I feel when I see you anymore. I'm going to try not to fight the feeling, but I can't just blink one day and accept it all at once."
Alison again, sucked in a disappointed breath, 'the Emily you had,' like she lost Emily now. Did she? She didn't right? Emily was right in front of her, there was still a chance that they could get back what they had right? Right?
"And what do you feel," Ali breathed, "when you see me?" This was the most courage she had since she left to find -A the first time.
"Alison...Ali, I know that there's a part of me that still feels, that still wants...I can't ignore the pull I feel in myself when I see you. And I get these thoughts, like urges, to touch you, to hold your hand, to be as close as I can to you, I can't even seem to let you out of my sight, and I know what that means, I just don't know that I can succumb to it all." Emily had looked away mid confession and Ali was staring at her hands in her lap, not saying anything.
"Ali? Say something...please?" Emily was growing more anxious by the second, leg bobbing and teeth gently scraping her teeth.
"Emily, what do you want?"
"What?"
"It's simple," Ali almost mocked, "tell me what you want." She returned to her previous position facing the brunette and waited, "tell me the truth now. Because you try to ignore those feelings, the urges you called them right?"
"Yeah, but-,"
"So let me tell you, I get them too. But they're not urges I can just ignore. They're needs to me. I feel like I have to touch you again, I have to hold you, I have to be close to you, or else I can't breathe or even think straight and damn it, there is no way my body could function without knowing you are safe. Emily, you are my drug, and I'm addicted to everything that is you. But you're also my supplier.
"When I look at you, I have to fight so hard to keep my distance, to watch what I say, to monitor the way I'm looking at you. I know, I know somewhere deep inside you know you love me, and it'll take time to accept that or for you to fall in love with me again, or for all the right memories to come back to convince you, but I can't know if I even have a chance if you won't just tell me what you want."
Alison finished, breathing harder than before and her body tense and on edge, "tell me," she demanded desperately, "because if that's what you want, I will try to make you fall in love with me again, I will make new memories with you, but Emily, please, just give me something."
"I want," the brunette paused, "I want you t-t-to make me...," Emily whispered, "remember."
Alison could barely hear what she said, "what?"
"I said...make me remember." Emily was staring blankly ahead while Ali's eyes bore into the side of her head.
"Emily how can I possi-,"
But she was cut off abruptly, when Em turned to her and gasped, "kiss me."
"What?" Ali was...speechless, a million and one thoughts raced through her mind at once and when Emily quickly turned her body to face hers, her mouth went dry.
"I remember things on my own, but lately I've regained things when I have some sort of trigger, I want you, Alison, to kiss me. Pull the trigger."
"Emily, I- I don't know if, I don't think, I'm not-," she stumbled.
"You asked me what I wanted. You want the truth? I want to stop fighting the urges, and I know you do too. So this, this is what I want, I want you to kiss me."
Ali just sat with her mouth slightly agape, and when she looked at the burning in the caramel eyes in front of hers and the perfect curve of those lips, she started to lean in towards Emily's face.
Both could feel that well of anticipation and tension, Emily wanting badly to run her tongue across her lips and Ali wanting to not go about this so slow and gentle. She was going to roughly connect their lips in a scorching kiss and force Emily to feel something for her, anything.
And they were just a mere inches apart when someone in the kitchen started groaning and coughing and Em and Ali shot back to the ends of the couch, looking up with wide eyes towards who it was.
"Hey, you girls alright," it was Caleb, voice hoarse with sleep, hair standing up on one side and feet crossed atop the table, looking at them through squinted eyes.
"Fine, yeah great, fine." They answered together.
Caleb nodded and clutched his side in one hand and pointed in their direction with the other, "who's sleeping in that chair?"
Ali whipped her head to the chair in question and shook her head, "no one, I um, I'll sleep in that one," she pointed to the one across the small living room, "you can take this one."
Caleb grunted as he got up and moved to the chair, pulling his feet up to rest atop the coffee table and within seconds he was out like a light.
Ali sighed loudly and then remembered what Caleb interrupted. She couldn't think about trying to kiss Emily again. So instead she shifted in her seat - which became really awkward - and then she started to stand, "um I'll just-,"
"Yeah," Emily added, both making no real sense. The brunette laid back down and faced the back of the couch again, biting her lip and concentrating on her breaths.
She could hear Ali walking over to settle in the chair furthest from the couch and Emily struggled to open her mouth, "Ali, wait," she whispered with her head turned over her shoulder, "so what are you going to do?" After all, there was still the chance that Ali would wait again for sleep to take everyone before she left.
Emily's voice was somewhat shaky, but it was like that because she was afraid that she had just ruined things between them by suggesting they kiss and now Ali would want to leave and do things on her own .
Ali had her back to Emily and she look between her recently chosen 'bed' and the black bag near the door in the kitchen. She looked between them before dropping her head, "I'm going to choose what I should've the first time."
Emily wondered if she should ask what choice that was, but was answered by a softly sighed, "I'm going to do this...by your side."
Emily smiled lightly even though no one could see, and ignoring the newly added awkwardness she had just brought between them, she found comfort beyond words in hearing that.
Alison sucked in a deep breath and settled into the chair, stole a blanket from the back of Caleb's chair and curled as much of her body into the chair, facing Emily and occasionally glancing up at the brunette whose back was to her.
20 minutes passed and when Alison couldn't find any difference in Emily's breathing pattern, she relaxed just a little bit, deciding that she would not leave in the middle of the night, she wouldn't make the same mistake again. When she did finally settle her nerves and mentally ditch her plan, she gripped at her temples with her hand and closed her eyes 'what the hell was that' she asked herself.
Alison's POV
Emily had really wanted to kiss me, that wasn't some trick was it? It all happened so fast I couldn't really remember, but we started the would-be kiss so slowly that all I could do was relive the seconds that I was that close to Emily over and over in my head.
But the more I thought, the more I was thankful for Caleb's interruption. What if we did kiss? Then what? Was it just going to be a peck? I don't think I would've been able to stop myself from kissing her hungrily. But then what? What if she decided that she didn't like it now, what if she hated it and nothing happened, no memories, no flashbacks, hell maybe even no butterflies, what then?
A kiss wasn't going to fix this, I knew that for sure, this wasn't a damn Disney movie. My kisses weren't magical. Em was under no spell.
But how could I abandon that daydream? How could I deny myself of that fantasy where I get an answer to 'what if we did kiss?' What if somehow, it didn't fix anything, just make some of it better? Then I should've just kissed her then, right? Take that chance?
I know torturing myself with these two little insignificant words of 'what' and 'if' was near pointless but I did anyways and I fell asleep imagining what I wished would happen if we did get that chance to kiss:
Emily was just inches from my face and even in the dark, being this close, I could still see the flecks of caramel shining in with the rich chocolate color. I could feel her warm breath on mine, coming in shortened almost-pants from the build up, and the tips of my fingers itched with the desire to caress her smooth skin, to feel her soft skin under my wanting touch again.
I licked my lips once and watched her eyes dart down to them, looking up slowly.
I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't resist her so the next time I looked in her eyes, I lunged forward and finally.
We both sighed in pleasure, I in half relief, and I moved closer, wrapping my hand in her hair and pushing her that much closer to me, breathing her in.
Emily sighed again and her lips moved more languidly against mine, she kissed me back and it was like it was before, she was kissing me the way she always had, with love and passion and it fueled a fire in the pit of my stomach.
When I was getting lightheaded, I pulled away from her reluctantly and met her eyes, washed over with a dreamy gaze, and a smile played at the edges of both our lips.
"Again," she whispered breathlessly.
And the gravity of her lips was inescapable, so who was I to deny the inevitable? I would kiss her again because I wanted to and now so did she.
And I did, I kissed Emily with all the fervor I could muster, telling her in ways my words couldn't that I loved her, moving in a way to call her back to me. The best part was that she reciprocated the urgency with her own mouth. It was also the worst part, I just wanted to know what she was thinking.
I just wanted to know if I was everywhere in her mind like she was in mine. Evasive even, the way images of her flooded my vision. My eyes were closed, yet it was like I was watching a movie of our life together, of pieces of us.
I was the one having flashbacks now.
Emily shuddered, sucked in a harsh breath and pulled away, panting lightly against my shoulder, with her eyes squeezed shut.
I could tell she was concentrating on her breathing by the way her fingers periodically dug into my skin around my shoulder and neck.
She tilted her head away from me and when I leaned in again, hungry for more, starved of the taste of her, all she let me do was nuzzle the space under her jaw, sliding my face up hers until our cheeks were touching.
Em was still breathing a little heavier than normal and she didn't ask me to stop so I peppered her face with kisses, along her jaw, her cheek, a small one for her nose, lightly over each closed eye and then on the forehead. When I was done, I rested our heads together, sighing, "Em, where did you go?"
She tensed lightly and I felt her body sob, opening my eyes to watch tears push their way through her closed eyes and down her cheeks.
"I'm right here. I'm still in here Ali. I can see...I feel...," but she couldn't finish, she just kept trying to start sentences.
"Just, just say it Em, it's okay."
But she didn't really hear me, "real or not? You brought up Paris when we stayed late in French to do homework?"
"Wha- Emily do you re-"
"Real or not?" She almost shouted, but held back to not wake up everyone else.
I had no choice but to answer her, "real."
She let go of a breath and I didn't know if that was good or not.
But I could see her smiling now, "again, real or not? We had our first kiss in the library?"
"Real," I found myself smiling back.
Emily closed her eyes and then frowned, "you pushed me away in the locker room?"
I swallowed hard and wished she would look at me but when she didn't, I said back in a small voice, "real."
"Yeah, I thought so."
It was like she sharpened a double ended knife and hit us both where it hurt the most.
"Real or not, you left because you thought you were protecting everyone."
"Real. Emily, when we were still in high school, I know I was awful most of the time, but leaving was the best thing I could do for all of you."
Em just nodded, and opened her eyes, "it was hard to leave me then." She said it just like a statement but asked like a question.
"No." I answered with hardly any emotion in my voice.
She looked up then, a dangerous mixture of hurt and anger on her face, and before she opened her mouth I explained.
"No, it wasn't hard," I admitted, and before Emily could feel hurt more than she already looked, I continued, "It was more than that, Emily. I could handle hard, that would've been easy: I've dealt with hard before. But that first step away from you...well, I thought it was impossible. It was beyond hard. It felt like I was being pulled in two different directions and I didn't know why back then. At least I pretended like I didn't. It was like every step I took was getting harder and harder, like a part of me was being stretched further like how you would stretch a rubberband, and trust me I wanted to come back, so it would stop hurting so much, but one day, I took one more step and then...I snapped."
"And then what?" Emily gulped not knowing in the slightest what the repercussions could've been.
"Then? Then that rubberband broke and suddenly it wasn't hard to keep putting more time and space between us. That thing in me snapped and it hurt like hell but it hurt a lot less to keep going."
"Because you thought it would keep me safe."
"Yes, and because I started to see that you all could live your life and be completely fine without me."
"Even me?" Emily's voice broke just barely and I tried not to wince at the sound.
"Even you Emily, that's what makes this even more difficult for me."
"What makes what difficult."
"Being here, with you, I know I want to stay and be here with you, but I know that if I leave, things could be normal for you again, I've seen it, I've seen you move on and I know it hurt you when I left, but if it was for the sake of finding your happy for a more permanent period of time because I was gone, I'm sorry, but I'd hurt us both for it."
"And who says you get to make that choice?" She was in pain, she was angry.
I couldn't blame her.
"No one, but I do. I would choose that and you could hate me all you want for saying that and if I did that, you could hate me then, but it wouldn't be nearly as much as I'd hate myself if I was the reason you couldn't be happy."
"Ali," my nickname escaping her lips was enough to light me up inside, I fought the urge to even look at her, "I don't think I could ever find it in me to hate you. There are parts of me, locked away from myself, but when the day comes and those parts are released, I know none of them holds a feeling of hate towards you. It wouldn't be possible."
"Yeah," I speculated, "how do you know that?"
"I don't. I just know something that defeats that."
"Yeah, and what's that?" I finally met her chocolate orbs and searched them, what if I kissed her?
"I know that I love you, and that I have loved you, and it was intense and sometimes hard but it was all I ever wanted and more."
"You don't know that. I know you don't remember that."
"Then make me."
"What?" What she was saying was absolutely ridiculous, "what are you talking about?"
"I'm asking you Ali. I'm asking you to make me remember. Remind what it was like to love someone...to love you. Because that's what I want. I want to love you. I want to remember how I loved you and why. So remind me."
"Emily, those things will come to you in time. Dr. Pearson said you'll periodically remember things, I can't just force them out of you."
"But you could try can't you? You would try right?"
"No, I wouldn't."
"Why," she burst angrily, " why are you the only one who gets to make decisions, I get a say in this too."
"I know you do Em, I'm just-,"
"Just what? She cut me off? Scared? Why-,"
"YES!" I yelled, not caring if someone woke up. But I looked around and remembered that if someone did wake up this would end, and I didn't want that.
"What?" Her voice was quieter and she sat back a little further.
"I kissed you just now and you remembered some things, I think that's great but," and I had hard time getting this out, "it doesn't mean nearly as much as we both want it too."
"What? Alison how could you-,"
"Emily did you ever stop to think about what kissing you means to me? That you ask me to kiss as a test? Kiss you and see if you remember something? And what if it didn't? What if one day, I kiss you and nothing happens? Or I kiss you and suddenly you realize you don't need to remember anything anymore? That you've had enough.
"I don't want to kiss you just because we're seeing if it triggers something in you. That's not enough. You don't think it hurts to kiss you and feel like I'm supposed to kiss you and it should be magic? Like I'm supposed to fix it all with a kiss? I wish it was like that, but I know it's not, so I want to kiss you like I used to."
My eyes darted between hers, I wanted her to understand me.
"Alison, I'm sorry. I didn't know. I should've, but when I realized that these triggers brought back those memories, I was just-,"
"I know Emily, I know. And I want them back, I want you to remember, but I can't just kiss you when I know it doesn't mean to you what it used to mean to the both of us. I don't want to remember these kisses like that."
"I- I- I'm sorry," she choked, "I won't ask again." She turned away and dropped her head and the sight stabbed me in the chest.
"Emily, that's not what I want okay? If I thought kissing you would fix everything and bring things back, I would sit here and kiss it all back: everything. But we both know that's not going to happen."
"I don't know what to believe anymore Alison, I just thought it would be like when I looked at pictures, or heard the trees, so I just thought it would be the same."
"I know," I grabbed her hand and with my other hand I made her look at me.
"Look at me, if you're going to remember how you felt with me, I will try my best to remind you," her eyes sparked and I smiled, "but I'm going to do this right. Just like I did the first time. Not backwards okay? I will not kiss you until you have a real reason to kiss me back. And I won't kiss you until I know it's for real, an original kiss, a new memory."
"Like it was before?"
"Like it was before. Exactly," I smiled again and started to stroke her cheek, "memories or not Emily, I want you. And I will spend the rest of our lives giving you new memories if that's what you want, but we can't just jump back to where we left off."
"We should start brand new?"
"Yeah, start over, but maybe we're past the stranger's stage now."
"Yeah, we're really good friends."
"Yes, exactly."
"And we won't kiss until we have a reason to."
"Yes," but I could think of a million reasons to seal our lips right now.
"Then real or not? You used to kiss me to shut me up?"
I laughed and felt a happy tear in my eye, "real."
She dropped her head and laughed, and for a moment, I felt her nuzzle the side of her cheek into my hand.
"Answer me this one then."
"Anything."
"About what you said, leaving me again. you wouldn't do that again would you?"
"I don't know."
"Why not?"
"Because Emily, sometimes you do better without me."
"You're talking about me from before aren't you?"
"Yes, I suppose I am."
"Then you can't be sure that leaving me now would be best, could you?"
"I guess not."
"So would you leave me? Would you leave me again?"
She wanted me to say no, she wanted me to say no. But did I want to lie?
"No."
She smiled and I cursed myself again, I was fucked up. Why would I leave her? Why would anyone leave her?
"What are you thinking about now?" Her soft voice interrupted my thoughts, and I realized I had dropped my hand back into my lap, playing with the outside hem of my pants.
"To be honest?"
"Yes, of course."
"I'm thinking that I hate my brother."
She was silent and I'm positive that it was because she didn't know what to say in return.
"I'm thinking," I started over, "that I should've just left and handled this on my own. I'm thinking that I should get our family back without dragging everyone else into the mess. I'm thinking-,"
"That you could do this on your own? That you should left everyone here, including me to keep us safe and you should've just did this alone?"
"Yeah." There was really no point in lying about anything else to her anymore.
"Well then," she sucked in a big breath, "let's do it," she exhaled.
"What? What? No, what are you talking about, don't be crazy, no."
"I'm serious Ali. We did it before right? You found him before and I found you, so I found him too, let's go. Right now."
"No," I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "you're not serious, no."
"Look at me," and from the demand in her voice, I did look.
"I don't want to be any further from you than I am right now, and if you think you can do this on your own, then you can do it faster if I go too."
"No, Emily, the last time we did this alone, the last time we thought...no, I won't let it happen again." I shook my head and opened my mouth to ramble again, "no, there's no way, I won't go alone okay? But you're definitely not coming with me, you will go to sleep and I'll wait for morning and all of us will go, but no you're not-,"
But no words came out after, my lips closed by another's. Someone soft and then it was gone.
"Real or not," Emily breathed, "I would kiss you to shut you up too."
"Hardly." And I laughed when she did.
"Well, here's to something new. I'm sorry, I know you said we would start over, but since I didn't usually do that, I thought it was okay if I just...if it was just a little-,"
"Too much talking."
"Wha-,"
I went against what I just said and kissed her again, and again; heart fluttering when she kissed me back. It was clumsy and I could tell she was nervous.
So what if this ruined everything? She wanted this, she kissed me first, I don't care anymore. If this ended in flames the least I could do was kiss her and have something to hold on to before either one of us got burned.
She pulled away finally and I nodded, "okay."
"Okay?"
"Okay, let's do it."
"Really?"
"Yeah, if you say you can do it, I know you can. And this time, no one is going to get hurt, I'm not going to let anything happen to you again."
"Okay, what do we do first?"
I looked around at Caleb, and Mona and down the hall at the other and sighed, "we sneak out with all the stuff and carry on as planned."
She looked around, and she couldn't hide the saddened expression she had on her face, "hey," I stopped her, "we're not betraying them okay, I know they wanted to be a part of this, they deserve to, but they also deserve to be safe. They'll be upset, but they'll understand."
After that we worked in tandem to sneak away, working in swift silence until we were outside and in my car.
It was still silent when we got in, the key was in the ignition but I hadn't started the car yet. It must have been a few minutes before Emily put her hand on mine and beckoned me with her eyes. In few seconds we found ourselves leaning in again, but this time there was no hesitation to kiss at each other hungrily, the weight of what we were about to do adding a strange feeling of excitement in me.
"Real or not?" I asked her between harsh nips and pulls at her mouth, "you feel something? You feel how I do right now."
She stopped then and the look was soft and hard at the same time. Her voice was different too, it sounded like hers, but somehow it just wasn't "none of this is real."
I pulled away and my eyes immediately started to water, "what?"
"Not real, I said none of this is real. When are you going to wake up Alison, you don't deserve a happy ending, look at what you did to me, to us, to everyone! Wake up. Wake up!"
And that's just what I did. I forced myself to wake up, not yet willing to admit that I knew all of that was too good to be true. I woke up from that dream turned nightmare with a shaking in my bones and hot tears in my eye. Suddenly, I felt extremely vulnerable...to myself.
Why would I torture myself with fantasizing about what could've been? Is that what I really deserved? Did I deserve the mental torment while Emily suffered the physical? Was that the universe's way of making this even?
One kiss that I enjoyed and this is the price I pay. She was worth it, I know she was, but would it always be like this? Would I always wish for more, even when I was with her? That wouldn't be fair, to either one of us.
But life isn't fair, that's what they say right? Life is not fucking fair.
I turned around on the sofa and looked across at Emily. Would things really have happened that way if I had just kissed her again? If I tell myself yes, it would only just hurt me more. If I say no, it would hurt, just hurt less.
My eyes scanned the room and they fell on the bag of our things. The thought to leave popped up in my head again and this time the voice telling me to go was a lot louder. When I closed my eyes, I tried to bring back Emily's voice telling me to stay.
I tried to think of how much damage I'd be doing if I left her again.
"If you were going to leave, you would've done it by now."
"Caleb? What the hell are you doing up?" I looked at him in confusion, "you always just happen to be around when I'm like this don't you?"
"Yeah," he said, his voice groggy with sleep, "I guess you're right. Must be Hanna still telling me what to do. You know she'd kill me if she found out I wasn't here for you...or Emily."
"Yeah," I smiled, "I'm sure she would. And to think you were like this on your own accord," I scoffed.
"I am," Caleb yawned long and hard, "I don't know, I mean look, we had our differences but we were all in this together from the beginning, nothing is going to take that away. It makes me feel this need to make sure you know, and that Emily knows, that you're not alone. I feel like maybe you two felt like this was something only the two of you had to handle, but that's not true. All of us, we're better together," he yawned again and pointed to me.
"What?"
"You need to get some sleep, we both know you're not going to leave, that bag is right next to her, and as long as it's there, that's your reason to stay, so stop trying to think about it and just do this as a team this time."
"What are you a sleeping motivational speaker now?"
"No," he stretched and curled back into the chair, "I'm just a guy who's trying to get his girlfriend and her friends back home safely tomorrow," he yawned for the third time and shut his eyes, "you're my only family I've ever known."
There was nothing left to say and that was besides the fact that Caleb had quickly fallen asleep...or so I thought.
"You kept moving around in your sleep."
"What?"
"Like Hanna, when she has bad dreams, she doesn't stay still. I could hear you and it reminded me of her."
He was telling me why and how he woke up and I couldn't help but smile. I was extremely happy that Hanna had Caleb and vice versa, it made me all the more anxious to see them reunited tomorrow.
"Thanks Caleb, goodnight."
A soft snore was heard and I laughed as quietly as I could, I bet he wouldn't remember any of this in the morning.
And he was right, I would have left already, but looking at Emily laying there, when I know she was expected to see me tomorrow when we woke up, I wouldn't leave her like that. I wouldn't leave her again like that.
Sleep came easier the second time around and I thanked my brain for voided me of any more nightmares or dreams.
The only dream I needed was a life with the person that was just 8 feet and years worth of memories away. That's the dream I needed.
And the only 'what if' I would let myself fantasize about was 'what if that dream came true and I finally got her back?'
What if?
AN: you know what to do loves...review and let me know what you thought in that pretty little mind of yours? Love, Lina