Sakura sighed as she hung her lab coat on her office door and picked up her bag to leave. The dark circles under her eyes were carefully hidden and her smiles carefully faked, yet she still got such pitying looks. But, at least no one called her a murderer, or a friend killer. At least besides…

Naruto had tears streaming down his face as they stood on opposite sides of the bridge leading to training ground 7.

"How could you Sakura?" he screamed at her, tears traveling faster now.

"He was a traitor, Naruto. If I didn't kill him he would have us." Each word she forced from her throat felt like shards of shattered glass. What she'd give to be back in her room, sobbing into her pillows and letting the numbness wash over her.

"No he wouldn't," the kyuubi's chakra started to seep out of him. "I could have convinced him! I could have brought him back," he began to run towards her. "You're worse than trash, you killed your teammate. YOU'RE A MURDERER." Sakura stood rooted to her spot, even if he struck her she didn't think she would be able to move. But, he was stopped abruptly by Kakashi, appearing between them and blocking them from each other's views. Eventually, Naruto wailed and ran off into the training grounds and Kakashi turned to her.

"Kakashi sensei, I…" her voice was so broken, so weak. She wanted to cry. Kakashi just stared back at her. It reeked of disappointment, and she almost burst into tears right there. But she didn't. And she wouldn't, at least not until an hour later, when the scroll declaring the official disbandment of team 7 was in her hands.

She sighed, and opened her office door, only to come face to face with the only ex-teammate she hasn't seen since the mission. He grabbed her arm and began pulling her out of the building. She tried to ask him what he was doing, but only got as far as his name before being interrupted.

"Just because we're not on the same team anymore doesn't mean you can skip our weekly training sessions, hag."

Sakura almost smiled.

… … …

Ink and sweat, the smell was unbelievably strong from where she layed next to Sai. But, it was oddly comforting. Sai was still terrible with expressing himself and understanding emotions, but he knew enough. He knew she'd need stress relief from dealing with the loss of Sasuke, and her friendship with naruto, and team 7 itself. It may not of seemed like much to an outsider, but she knew how much he was trying, how much this showed he cared.

Sakura turned her head to face him. His eyes were closed and his breathing had evened out. She knew he wasn't sleeping though. He would never fall asleep in the open, or near another person for that matter.

"Sai," she nudged him with her elbow. He slowly opened his eyes and turned to her. "Thank you."

He turned back to the sky. "I have no idea what you're talking about, hag. I just didn't want to see you get weaker than you already are."

Sakura huffed. "Yeah right, Sai. I kicked your ass."

He pulled that irritating fake smile onto his face. "While that may of happened, I won the fight, since your ugly face was beneath me in the end." Sakura growled and stood up.

"How about a round two then, pale ass." Sai smirked, and then lunged.

… … …

In the end, it was sakura who won the second round, but sai who won the tiebreaker game of rock paper scissors. Meaning Sakura had to pay for the post training meal. As they sat at one of the akimichi barbeque restaurants, hot food filling their stomachs, friendly jabs floating through the air, Sakura almost felt human again. Almost.

…

Sakura was 13 when she had her first kill. A wide eyed genin on a c ranked mission. Her second solo mission. She was coming home when she ran into a rouge nin. He wasn't strong enough to be in the bingo books, but he was strong enough to scare her. In the end, it was all muscle memory and adrenaline. She didn't even know what she did until she wad trying desperately to wipe the blood off.

She cried after her first kill.

First on the dirt road by a pool of the nameless ninja's blood.

Then again during her report.

And a third time that night until she fell asleep, too exhausted to continue.

And, of course, for the forth time when she woke screaming mere hours later.

And every night for the following week, she would cry again. Until the next week, when it was only 5 times, and the week after only 4. Until, eventually, she would only have nightmares after a new kill of a particularly stressful mission.

When Sakura killed Sasuke, it was while enthralled in a similar mix of adrenaline and muscle memory. Unlike her first kill, she wasn't alone. Naruto, Kakashi, and Sai were there. When images of what ifs were conjured in her mind it wasn't just her death she saw, but theirs as well. So, she moved.

It was surprisingly easy, thinking back on it.

One strike, while he was distracted taunting naruto and charging up a chidori.

One strike with a kunai, aided by a bit of chakra, straight through his throat.

One strike, and this man she had put on a pedestal all her life was at her feat.

One strike and this man that terrified her with images of her death, and that of her friends, could never scare her again.

One strike, and his blood sprayed forward, hitting naruto's face.

One strike and she simultaneously severed Sasuke's life and her friendship with naruto.

One strike…

Sakura didn't cry after she killed Sasuke.

Her eyes watered when Naruto dropped to his knees beside his best ffriend's body and wailed.

And tears threatened to fall when Kakashi looked at her like she was a traitor, despite never looking at Sasuke that way.

She came really close when Naruto called her a murderer while looking at her like she was a monster.

But she didn't cry after killing Sasuke.

She only cried after she realized team seven died with him.

…

Sakura laid awake in bed, her eyes red, not from crying, but from lack of sleep. Sai was still her friend. Sai cared for her. But he couldn't help her, and he couldn't understand. No matter how much he would try.

She squeezed her eyes shut to prevent herself from crying, pressing one hand over her mouth as the other clutched her side, bunching up her shirt and pinching her skin. Her back arched from the emotional pain turned physical as she muffled a scream. Sasuke deserved to die. He was a traitor. He tried to kill her. To kill her friends. He left the village in search of power. He would of killed her if given the chance, so why? Why was it so painful? Why couldn't she just sleep? To fall numb to the world as her body untensed all its painful coils was all she wished for. She wished it was all just numb.

She vaguely remembers a time were numbness was an enemy, instead of a welcomed friend. But she can't remember why.