Jaskier tells Geralt what happened. Can he move past the feelings of guilt?
Hi everyone! Just a short chapter for today, I'll be back with more!
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Geralt sleeps beside me, his soft snores filling the camp. Ciri sleeps in the protective circle of Yennefer's arms, her face relaxed for the first time in days. I shift out from underneath Geralt's arm, my attempts at sleep proving once again to be unproductive. Roach snorts as I pass him, his tail lashing out as if to tell me to stop, to stay at camp. I can start to feel the panic creeping in, stealing the air from my lungs and I start to run, leaving the camp and the man I love more than anything else, behind me. I run blindly through the forest, stumbling over various roots and branches, trying to run away from the almost inescapable fear that plagues my dreams. I slump against a tree, my lungs burning from exertion. Damn that knight and all of his cronies. Damn them straight to the fiery pits of hell for what they did to us. I can still see the fear in Ciri's eyes late at night when a noise sounds from the forest. Those bastards took so much from us.
"Damn it!" I smash my fist against the bark, wincing when my knuckles split and begin to bleed. I drop to my knees, tears coursing down my face. I want to open up to Geralt, I want to show him my pain, my shame, for him to hold me until the ache in my heart goes away. I hug my knees to my chest and cry, letting all the feelings spill out. Thick arms wrap around my chest from behind and I flail forward, fear like a fist gripping my lungs.
"Shh Jaskier, it's alright love. It's me." Geralt's voice settles over me like a warm cocoon and I sag back against him, resting my head on his chest. He strokes my hair, his fingers gentle against my scalp. I grip his vest, clinging to his body like a newborn babe, sobs wracking my body. Geralt holds me close, a silent pillar of strength. He doesn't say anything for the longest time, just lets me weep against his chest, my face a mess of tears and snot.
"I'm sorry Geralt. I'm so sorry." He pulls me away from his chest, his eyes confused.
"Why are you apologizing love?" He brushes a stray lock of hair from my eyes, his lips pressed together in a thin line.
"Because I was going to do it! I was going to do it." My words die off in a whisper and Geralt frowns, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
"Do what Jaskier? What happened?" His eyes plead with me to tell him what happened that night and I let the wall crumble, all the horrible memories, all the pain, comes flooding in.
"They were going to hurt her Geralt! They were going to hurt her so bad." I hiccup, my words becoming slurred. Geralt shushes me, his hand warm against my back.
"I had to help her. It was my fault she was even taken. All because of me that this all happened." I watch the flicker of emotions cross Geralt's face. Confusion, realization, disgust and finally fury.
"What happened Jaskier?" His voice is deadly quiet. I sit back on my feet, looking up at his handsome face.
"I swore to give myself to him, so he would spare Ciri." I shudder, remembering the weight of him pressed against me, the feel of his cock in my hand. Geralt grips my shoulders, his face pained, as if trying to restrain himself.
"Jaskier, did he?" Geralt swallows, unable to say the words. I quickly shake my head, his shoulders slumping with relief.
"I touched him Geralt, I let him put his hands on my body." Bile rises in my throat and I look away, unwilling to see the disgust I'm sure is to follow.
"Jaskier, look at me." I shake my head, tears prickling at my eyes. Geralt grips my jaw, his hands gentle but firm. I turn to face him, my eyes downcast. He sighs and strokes his thumb over my skin.
"No matter what happened Jaskier, I will never fault you for saving Ciri. I will never fault you for surviving." His words wash over me and I look up, meeting his golden eyes. They shimmer with a ferocity I've never seen. I throw my arms around him, the shame and disgust, all of it fading away, replaced by the warmth and safety of his embrace.
"I love you Jaskier, the good, the bad and everything in between. Never doubt what we share." Geralt holds me close, lips pressing against my forehead. We stay like that until the sun rises over the treetops, bathing us in a new light.
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