Sorry for the long wait. Hopefully the last couple chapters will follow shortly.
I would like to give a special shoutout to DoctorYnot for his contributions to these final chapters. I greatly enjoyed working with you, Doc.
On the day of Lincoln's big going away bash, Sam woke to the buzz of her phone vibrating against the nightstand. She rolled onto her side, peeled her gummy eyelids open, and squinted at the clock. 6:45. Murky light tinged the room a dreary shade of gray and beads of water streaked the sliver of window pane not covered by the curtain.
It was Sam's experience that someone calling you early on a Saturday morning was never a good thing. It meant SOMETHING BAD had happened, like a relative dying or your bodacious girlfriend was breaking up with you. It couldn't be the latter: Luna was curled up next to her snoring for all she was worth. She trusted Luna to not dump her, and if she did dump her, she trusted her to at least do it face to face. You have a very limited window where you can leave someone via text or email, and they passed that threshold long ago.
The mist cleared from Sam's head and she sat up. As she grabbed her phone and blinked down at the too bright, too fuzzy screen, she rubbed the ache out of her eyes with the back of her wrist. There are a thousand little chances every day to see the glass as either half empty or half full, and this was one of them. She could either be glad it wasn't Mom calling to say that Dad slipped in the shower and got the shampoo bottle wedged in his butt (they're giving him the last rights, you better hurry) or she could be bummed that it was her boss. There is only one reason for your boss to call you on your day off.
For a moment the blonde considered ignoring it, but finally caved and swiped her thumb across the screen. She and Luna needed the money, and if she pretended to miss this call, she'd spend the rest of the week kicking herself over it. Extra hours didn't exactly drop into her lap often so she had to get while the getting was good.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Sam," her boss said, "I'm sorry for calling you like this, but do you think you could cover Gloria's shift?"
Gloria, like Jeff, enjoyed ditching work. Not as often, but enough that it was an established pattern. What is it with people? Like...do you not want to make money? Oh well, more for her. "Sure, I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Thank you so much."
"No problem."
She hung up and dropped her phone onto the nightstand. The girl stretched, gave a big yawn, and smacked her lips together. Gloria's shift ended at three, which gave her plenty of time to get back before Lincoln's party kicked off. Plus, when she covered someone's shift on the weekend, the boss usually paid her in cash, so maybe she could stop by the store and pick up a few last minute things, like more booze. She'd been beating herself up for not getting more. There were going to be a dozen people there and she was pretty sure she didn't grab enough.
Luna snorted in her sleep, and Sam smiled. That's my little piglet. Luna was usually devilishly hot, but when she was asleep, she looked like an innocent little angel who had absolutely no kinks or dirty thoughts whatsoever. The blonde chuckled to herself; talk about looks being deceiving. Her girlfriend was a tee-total freak.
Leaning over, Sam brushed her hair out of her face and planted a soft, delicate kiss on Luna's temple. "Hey," she whispered.
Muttering something that sounded like hold on, she winced and began to stir. "Looooo-naaa," Sam insisted softly and grazed her nails over the girl's scalp affectionately. "Wake up, I got something to tell you."
The dozing rocker at last pried one bleary eye open and fixed it dazedly on Sam. "Hi," Sam brightened, "Good morning."
"What time is it?" Luna asked in a halting murmur.
"Almost seven," Sam answered. "I'm going to work."
Luna yawned. "Again?"
"Gotta make that money, honey," she explained. Sam bent down, kissed Luna's forehead, and got to her feet. "I'll be home by, like, four."
"'Kay," Luna said thickly. Her eyes were closed again and she was already on her way back to dreamland. Lucky bitch...
In the bathroom, Sam used the toilet, kicked out of her panties, and whipped her shirt off. The cool air raked her naked flesh with goosebumps and her nipples stiffened. The young woman looked at herself in the mirror, put her hands on her hips, and turned from side to side, examining every mole and freckle with an uncharacteristically critical eye. She wasn't conceited, but she thought she looked good. The important question was: Would Lincoln think she looked good? She assumed he would, but then there was that saying about ass-u-me'ing things. He'd gotten undeniably flustered when she teased him last week, sure, but...she was still a little nervous, honestly. She couldn't say why, only that she was. It was actually a bit of a nostalgic feeling if she was to tell the truth, one she hadn't experienced in quite some time; she felt, ahem, almost like a shy young schoolgirl again, one who'd yet to show (and share) her body with anyone. The thoughts racing through her head were the same that battered her before she slept with Luna the first time: What if she was stinky, too hairy, not thin enough, too thin, or just plain old...unappealing?
As a woman in her early twenties who had been in a committed, long term relationship for six years, she was usually confident in herself, but this was different. Why exactly, she couldn't quite say. She knew that rationally it shouldn't be, but the nearer the moment drew closer the more she found it absolutely was, and suspense was beginning to swell like lead in her stomach. Sam drew a heavy sigh, turned away from the mirror, and got into the shower. She let the water relax her bunched muscles, then lathered her loofah with soap. The blonde rubbed her breasts with it first, then the junction of her thighs, and finally her butt. She'd have to shower again before the big event just to make sure she smelled extra good; Sam knew she was being neurotic, but didn't care. The girl had a feeling she'd be holding on to the memory of what happened tonight for a very long time, and she wanted every last little thing to be perfect, down to her scent. She took a deep whiff of the lavender bar of soap she was scrubbing herself with and sighed happily; she used to think it was a pointless expense, but she was suddenly thankful her girlfriend was always so fastidious about making sure they got the fancy, costlier brand instead of the generic kind.
Cutting the spray, she opened the curtain, fetched the towel from the rack over the toilet, and dried off. Back in the bedroom, Luna was curled up in her girlfriend's spot and hugging her pillow to her chest. The girl was an epic bed hog and the moment Sam got up, she would come out of a dead sleep just long enough to roll over and take her place.
The blonde threw on a pair of jeans and a pale orange polo shirt (which she didn't remember buying, but decided looked good on her); she liked to dress nice for work. Every once in a while, anyway. It showed that she took her job seriously. Of course, coming in on her day off to cover someone's shift showed that plenty. She could dress as a clown and still display more dedication than Jeff and Gloria. Beep, beep, here I am. In any case, the real clowns were the ones who work harder and longer for free with the expectation of being recognized and appreciated. Ha! As if. Sam used to be like that but she eventually grew up and smelled the coffee. Employers don't operate that way. You can be the most reliable guy they have and they'll still treat you like a jerk. Scoring brownie points with your boss is a fool's errand and Mama Sharpe didn't raise no fools.
After pulling on her shoes and grabbing her umbrella from its spot between the wall and the dresser, she kissed Luna on the forehead and slipped out of the room.
The sight that met her when she did was Lincoln halfway through sitting up on the couch, his legs crossed and one arm draped over its back. His pillow was on one side of him and his blanket was wadded up on the other. When Sam appeared he looked at her groggily before nodding in acknowledgement.
She'd been kind of hoping to catch him half-dressed or even naked, splayed out on her couch like a dish waiting to be devoured, but unfortunately for her, the young man had been thoughtful enough to his hosts to throw on a tank top and a pair of basketball shorts to sleep in instead of letting it all hang out like Sam secretly would have preferred.
Considerate little jerk...
"Morning, Linc," she greeted him breezily. She walked into the kitchen, and set a cup of instant coffee. "Ready for your party tonight?"
He smiled weakly at her, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand when a particularly obnoxious shaft of light peeked over the living room window and into his cornea. "Definitely. I can't wait."
Frankly, from his tone of voice it kind of sounded like he could.
She shook off his half-slurred reply. In his defense, she reasoned, it was seven in the morning. It was hard to be animated about anything at that hour.
"It's gonna be a lot of fun," Sam promised him. "Heck, I'll even introduce you to some of my cute scene friends. I'm sure they'll just love you." A suggestive hilt crept into her voice and the corners of her mouth turned up in a wicked, Cheshire grin.
Lincoln perked up, immediately becoming wary, as though from the dangerous purr in Sam's voice his body instinctively knew that its day had begun. She watched as a cute blush suddenly spread across the bridge of the boy's nose and bit her bottom lip. She could actually feel her nostrils flare in anticipation, like a lioness noticing a nearby gazelle's limp. She idly wondered if, subconsciously at least, Lincoln knew what he was doing to her being so gee-golly-shucks all the time.
"That sounds...great," he chirped, his voice tense and uncomfortable.
"Who knows," she mused, pouring herself a mug of coffee after the machine dinged it was done. She quickly guzzled it down before perching next to him on the arm of the couch, "You might even get laid~" Lincoln choked on nothing and Sam threw her head back and laughed. "They love the shy boy routine," she teased. "Seriously, if you keep acting like this they might just drag you off to bed kicking and screaming."
Lincoln didn't seem to know what to make of her promise/threat. He fidgeted with his hands, unable to meet the blonde's eye. "Um...yeah, I...I got that charm." He flashed Sam a cautious, anxious smile, and it was all she could do to keep from taking his face in her hands and forcing her tongue down the loveable little goof's throat. Her restraint and patience had been badly depleted the last week.
"You do," she agreed seriously, "You're also cute. There's no way you're going to come out of this party still a virgin."
Lincoln's face blazed, and satisfied that she had at that point thoroughly scandalized him, Sam got up and padded into the towards the front door, making darn sure her butt wiggled when she did.
She wasn't lying when she said he wasn't going to be a virgin after tonight.
Only, she had no intention of letting one of her friends be the one to do the honors. Oh no. That privilege was going to go to someone that'd been waiting for it much, much longer. His whole life, as a matter of fact.
"W-wait, Sam..." Lincoln suddenly called out to her, his voice soft and hesitant at first but then a little louder, and the blonde paused. She turned to look at him over her shoulder and quirked a brow, as if daring him to defy her. "Is that...?" He began.
"Yessss?" She let the last 's' drag, and turned around to face the boy.
"Is that...?" He leaned forward, narrowing his eyes.
"'Is that' what, Lincoln?" She took a step closer to him and was suddenly ravenously excited when, for the first time, he didn't back away. He met her gaze evenly. There was a sudden spark of electricity in the air, an expectation in it, the same pressure one might feel watching a lit fuse burning towards a stack of dynamite. Had he finally had enough, she wondered giddily?
Screw all her plans, Sam decided. If Lincoln wanted to make his move now, that was fine too. This was it, the moment she'd been waiting for. The blonde practically bristled with anticipation as the boy finally opened his mouth to speak.
"Is that...my shirt?" He asked.
At first she didn't react, wondering if she'd misheard him. Neither of the two, in fact, said anything for a long while. They were trapped in the cloying akwardness like two bugs in amber. At last Sam looked down and realized that the snappy orange polo shirt she'd picked out of the pile of clean laundry that morning to wear did, indeed, belong to her girlfriend's little brother.
"SorryLincolngottagoI'mlateforwork!" The blonde suddenly declared, promptly fleeing her own apartment under the boy's baffled, helpless stare.
Luna Loud sat up in bed for a long time that Saturday morning before reluctantly departing the warm, safe burrow of covers she'd made for herself.
A steady rain fell from the leaden sky and if she listened closely, she could hear it hissing in the gutters below. It was a pleasant sound that soothed her frayed nerves, but not enough to kill the bubbling disquiet in the pit of her stomach. The young woman hugged her legs to her chest, rested her cheek on her knee, and took a deep breath, but it did little to relieve the dark pressure weighing her down. Tomorrow Lincoln was going back to school and she didn't know when she would see him again. That in and of itself bothered her but worse was the sense that she had missed her one and only opportunity to tell him how she truly felt. Once he walked out the door, she didn't feel she would ever be able to come as close as she did again.
Luna had been pumping herself up for a week, even after she chickened out that day they went to the museum, but no matter how many pep talks she gave herself, she just couldn't do it. Maybe she was overthinking things, maybe she was being melodramatic, but the thought of losing Lincoln simply frightened her too much. If she told him and it backfired, their relationship would never recover. He'd become distant for sure and she couldn't handle that. Even if he didn't and they managed to limp past it, the knowledge of her unsisterly love for him would hang between them forever like a dark cloud. She would be heartbroken, hurt, and humiliated, and she didn't know if she would even be able to face him again. She thought about what a failed confession could do, imagined the way he might flinch away from her if she tried to greet him with a hug at some family reunion afterwards, trying to hide how disgusted he made her because her brother was a good guy and wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, and the idea very nearly made her scream. She just couldn't risk it.
Since the other day, she had been repeating it's for the best like a holy incantation, but was it really? She could feel her chance slipping away and once it was gone, her heart would harden and it would never thaw enough to allow her to try again. Sam had worked hard to get her to be honest with herself, then practically dragged her by force all the way to where she needed to be emotionally to tell Lincoln the truth. Throughout the revelation of Luna's feelings and everything that came afterwards she'd been understanding, encouraging, amazing. The girl was more than Luna deserved and she knew it. Her significant other had patiently and lovingly guided her right to the precipice. All she had to do was grit her teeth and take that one last step by herself...
But she couldn't.
Luna had desired her brother as more than a sister since she was twelve years old, maybe longer, and she had yearned the entire time to have him as she did in her dreams. She met Sam, fell earnestly in love, and buried those thoughts, but they had always been with her, lurking just below the surface, like frigid waters beneath a thin sheen of ice. All that they needed to break through was a stray look at the wrong moment, a chipped-toothed smile when she was unprepared for it...or her girlfriend deliberately prodding the wound in her heart. She had blocked out her feelings for Lincoln but Sam carelessly and purposefully dredged them all back up to the surface and now they flowed openly through her, made even more intense by the fact she could no longer even try to deny they were real. A small flame of resentment burned in her heart, despite everything her girlfriend had done for her. Or maybe because of it. In a lot of ways her entire emotional life had been uprooted from a delusion she'd carefully and painstakingly created for herself. If ever she'd needed any convincing she was in love with Lincoln, Sam had convinced her. She wanted him bad.
Once, long ago, the fact that she was attracted to her own brother turned her stomach, but not anymore. She didn't care how much of her blood he shared or whether or not they sprang from the same family line. She cared only that he was Lincoln - cute, loyal, kind, and always there for her when she needed him. Even in the depths of her love sickness, she wouldn't say that he was objectively perfect, but he was perfect for her. Her brother was everything she wanted. She loved her girlfriend and felt more than blessed for the life they had together, but the boy was a piece of her heart. She could neither explain it nor account for it. He made her feel whole and complete in a way that nothing else did or could. She couldn't jeopardize what they had, but she wasn't sure she could keep on living a charade either, and so she was paralyzed, unable to let her feelings go but equally helpless to act on them. Could she pretend for the rest of her life that she didn't love everything about him? Could she be a sister to Lincoln...and only a sister?
Those thoughts and more harangued her as she sat in the dusky gloom of a rainy Saturday morning. Her little brother was awake and moving around in the living room, and with every creaking floorboard, her heart sputtered like a dying carburetor in a bum car. She would have to go out there at some point, right? And then what? Look him in his face and pretend like everything was okay? Act like she didn't want to wrap her arms around him tight and never let him go?
She didn't have a choice. Luna certainly couldn't open her heart to him, tell him how she actually felt. She would swallow hard, force a smile, and wish things were different, but she wouldn't tell him.
...Would she?
That thought struck her like a bullet from the void, and an electric tingle - part fright and part exhilaration - spread through her.
She could, physically. All she had to do was say the words. It wasn't like she was trying to grow wings and fly or turn lead into gold. It wasn't magic. All she had to do was look Lincoln in the eye and speak, let the truth slip past her lips before her worries caught up to the impulse and stopped her. It was easy, in its own way. Spring into the living room, outrunning her anxiety, and blurt it all out. Rip it off like band-aid. You can do whatever you want if you don't think about the consequences.
She wouldn't, of course.
But she could...
Luna groaned and brought her hands up to her head, fingers curling tight in her hair. Within her, desire battled fear for supremacy within her for the millionth time that week, sending her stomach roiling, as though the girl was being thrown around on the deck of a storm-battered ship. At last, fear, once again, won out. The plain fact of it was that he was simply too important to her to risk losing. Pining for her brother from afar would be hard - especially since she would see him often - but that was a small price to pay to keep their relationship intact. It wasn't like it was anything new. Luna had been doing it all her life. She could just do it some more.
How long could she keep it inside, though? It had taken enormous effort and, more importantly, time, for her to be able to force those feelings down until they cooled to the point where they would only rarely make her cry, she lied to herself back then, 'for no reason'. She wasn't sure if she could do it again. No, she knew she couldn't.
No matter what Luna did, she stood a high chance of regretting it. She could no sooner go on living with this on her chest than she could risk losing the most important man in her life.
'What am I supposed to do!?'
The young woman suddenly wished Sam was there, intensely, the way a drowning man might wish for a lifejacket. She'd listen to her, give her the best advice and reassurance a girl could ask for. Sam would know what to do.
She struggled hard to imagine what her girlfriend might say in that moment. Go for it. It's what you want so why not?
It was what she wanted, but it wasn't that easy! If Lincoln were any other guy (or girl), Luna wouldn't hesitate to make a move. Why wouldn't she? If he rejected her, then so what? Yeah, it'd sting, but she'd get over it. If he pulled away from her and didn't want to be her friend anymore, she'd be deeply hurt, but she would survive. But Lincoln wasn't just some guy. He was...
The word that came to mind first was soulmate, but she wasn't sure even that was right. It implied a romantic bond, but what she and her brother had wasn't like that, not exactly. She cast about for a way to articulate it to herself, and was frustrated when she couldn't. The best that she could come up with was that it wasn't simply that they were two people who fit together right, it was more like they were two different parts of the same whole to begin with, the connection between them cosmic, fated. It was something she couldn't describe, only feel. Like they'd been cut from one spirit and put into two different bodies. He was a part of her, full stop. She loved Sam and wanted to be with her, but she needed Lincoln too.
She bet that wasn't part of Sam's plan - her actually being in love with her brother. Luna figured she probably thought it was just about sex. It wasn't. That'd be another awkward conversation, right after the one she had with him. Yeah, I'm kiiiinda actually head over heels for Lincoln, so…
That gave her pause. Over the past week, she had been so consumed with her brother that she never stopped to think about how it might affect her girlfriend.
God, she was such garbage...
Drawing a shaky breath, she let it out through her nose and stared at the closed bedroom door, beyond which awaited the boy that had become the sole focus of her thoughts of late. She imagined herself sitting next to him on the couch, taking his hand in hers, and confessing everything. She imagined every possible reaction on his face, from disgust to acceptance. The latter was as beautiful as the former was ugly and it made her heart ache.
She wanted to see it in real life.
Luna started to get up, intent on telling him, but stopped herself. She had to talk to Sam first. She owed her that much.
Later, she vowed.
Then again, maybe not...maybe she'd forget all about this.
She wasn't able to decide.
And she was afraid she never would be.
Luna opened the door and went out into the living room. Lincoln sat on the couch in jeans and a t-shirt, his focus on the television. He glanced at his sister and smiled, his face instinctively lighting up at the sight of her, and it made her heart soar. "Hey, Linc," she greeted, barely able to keep the tremble out of her voice.
"Hey Lunes," he answered happily, "Good morning."
For a moment, she hesitated, but ultimately she couldn't help but go to him. It was strange: alone and adrift in her own personal sea of troubles, it felt like she could hardly even get a grip, but despite the worries that tormented her being centered entirely around her little brother, when she was actually with him she couldn't help but feel at ease. Simply being in his company was...pleasant. Warm and comfortable, like a favorite shirt she'd been sleeping in her whole life; the sense of safety and reassurance slipped over her shoulders and enveloped her before she'd even noticed it, leaving her curling her toes with pleasure. It was like no matter whatever else was happening, she at least knew she was loved. Luna dropped down next to the boy and stretched her bare, toned legs, basking a bit in the feeling. "How'd you sleep?" She smiled, giving no hint as to what was truly on her mind. The act was well rehearsed.
"Alright," Lincoln nodded. "I'm getting used to the couch."
"Just in time to start sleeping in a bed again," his sister teased.
Lincoln chuckled. "I know, right?"
"Don't lie," she nudged him playfully with her shoulder, "You missed your old bed."
He opened his mouth but stopped himself. "Yeah," he admitted, "I kind of do. I never thought I'd say that. It's not all that comfy either."
"It's the one that came with the dorm, right?" She asked.
He nodded again. "Yeah, it was included."
Luna crinkled her nose. "That's kind of gross. You don't know how many people slept on it or whether they got busy. They probably did, you know."
"That's what sheets are for." Lincoln got defensive, though he couldn't help but admit he'd had the thought before and it bothered him.
"Sheets are thin pieces of fabric, though," she kept picking at his sore spot playfully, "They can't protect you from much."
He tilted his head to the side. "So are surgical masks, but we still wore them out in 2020."
Luna laughed. "Oh, you had to bring that up."
He grinned. "It wasn't that bad. Getting three months off school was cool, at least."
She remembered all too well. Mom and Dad wouldn't let them leave the house for fear of catching sick with COVID-19 so she and the others spent weeks inside. She couldn't see Sam during that period and so, predictably, she wound up spending a lot of time with Lincoln.
A slight frown creased her lips. Now that the memories were coming back she distinctly recalled old feelings rekindling during their self-isolation. She had been with Sam for a while at that point and had forgotten her earlier emotions towards her brother. Cooped up with him for most of the spring and summer of 2020, however, she started to feel them again, faint flutters at first, then strong pangs that rippled through her stomach every time he was near. If the quarantine didn't end when it did, she wondered if something may have happened between them.
And right now, wanting to tell him her feelings and not being able to, she kind of wished it had, damn the consequences.
"It was actually kind of scary," she said honestly. "Everyone getting sick and stuff."
Lincoln sighed. "Yeah, it kind of was, but not as scary as being stuck inside with Lynn and Luan for three months. Honestly, by the end of it I was ready to take my chances."
Luna chuckled. "Dude, you think you guys had it bad? I was her roommate. I can't tell you how many virus puns she cracked. Seriously, it was nonstop!"
"I remember the worst one she made." He said, shifting on the couch to turn and face his sister giddily, pleased to be able to reminisce with someone. He'd been alone in the city for too long with no one to really talk to and no relationships as real as the one had with with his sisters. He had uni friends, sure, but it wasn't the same. Just hanging with Luna and being able to drop his guard and connect like they used to was giving him a surprisingly intense thrill. The boy beamed her with another bright smile that sent her stomach fluttering. "How'd it go...? 'All these virus jokes -'"
"It's a pundemic!" They recited in unison, then laughed. The vibe in the room was good and comfortable, just like the old days, and he relished in it. Lincoln gave a long sigh, reclining back on the couch.
"It sucked having to repeat the same grade again, though." He mentioned idly, though the grin didn't leave his face.
Luna rolled her eyes. "I know, man, it blew hard. Poor Leni thought she was finally going to graduate, then BOOM, another year of school. Surprise." She shook her head. "Hey...speaking of school," Luna suddenly recalled, "How are you doing? We really haven't talked much about it. You're almost done, right?"
"Yeah," Lincoln nodded, "The next semester's my last."
"Do you know what you're gonna do when you graduate?" she asked. "Are you gonna stay here? Go back to Royal Woods?"
At this the grin finally left his face. The young man was silent for a moment, his tongue prodding the inside of his bottom lip; Luna suspected that if she listened hard enough, she would hear the Final Jeopardy! theme playing in his head. Finally, he let out a deep breath and shrugged wearily. "I don't know. I was thinking of going back home until I find a position in my field, but in the meantime, I have to work a regular job and there's just not much in Royal Woods, you know?"
She did. One of the main reasons she and Sam moved to the city was because the job market in Royal Woods was virtually non-existent. Here in Great Lakes City, there were so many shops, restaurants, stores, businesses, companies - so many openings - that if you really wanted to work, you could work. It might not be the job you wanted, but it was something, and the freedom of knowing that if your gig ever got really bad you could leave and quickly find another appealed to Luna. She confided to him as much, and gave a long sigh.
"There's not a whole lot I can do. Like...my skill set's really limited, so I have to be in a place where there are a lot of entry level jobs." The rocker admitted.
It stung to say so, but it was true. In high school, she was so focused on Sam and her music that she never gave much thought to other things. She was going to be a big rock star one day, why should she worry about the mechanics of a workaday life that she would never lead?
Only things didn't break quite the way she thought they would and here she was, living in a not-so-great part of town and working a job with almost no chance of advancement. "I didn't focus enough in school and now I'm starting to wonder if I didn't make a mistake." She forced a laugh, but it was a real worry of hers sometimes.
"Hey, I don't know how to do anything either," Lincoln consoled her. "I can make sandwiches and mop floors. That qualifies me for, like, .01 of all jobs out there. I could work at Flip's or something, but there aren't all that many places I could go besides that, and having a place to live is the most important thing anyway. I can't afford an apartment here." He stopped. "I mean, I guess if I found some roommates I'd consider it. Otherwise…" he trailed off. "Ugh, I dunno what I'm doing."
"You can stay here!" Luna offered instantly. It did not occur to her that she had just invited her brother to move into her apartment (in direct defiance of her lease and without consulting Sam) because he needed a place to live. End of story. What Sam and her landlord thought didn't matter.
The boy was briefly stunned before a familiar swell of affection for his sister overtook him. "R-really? Wow, Luna." He scratched the back of his neck shyly. Lincoln seemed really touched she'd offer, and the grateful look he gave her made her heart clench. "But I couldn't do that to you guys." He demurred. "You and Sam have a real life together; I'd just be a third wheel, screwing it up." He sighed, and she desperately wanted to tell him that wasn't true. That he'd fit into their life just fine. That they WANTED him there. If he only knew..."Besides," He put on a brave smile, "I can go anywhere. It's not like I have much keeping me here, you know? Just my crappy job, you guys and -"
He quickly cut himself off.
"What?" Luna asked.
"Nothing, I was just going to say…" The young man furrowed his brows.
He let the thought hang unfinished between them. The somber cast of his face - gaze downcast and lips sucked into his mouth - bespoke pain; he looked like a little boy who started to say how excited his was to play catch with his dad later only to remember his dad had died the month before. "What?" She pressed.
Lincoln sighed. "I was gonna say Ronnie Anne but…" he shrugged, as if that somehow explained everything.
And, she guessed, it did. Way back, he and Ronnie Anne were tight, but then she moved away and from what he'd said in the past, she'd changed a lot.
"You guys talk?" she asked gently.
"No," he said, "I just...I guess I just keep…" he hesitated.
Luna turned in a rustle of fabric and faced him. He looked uncomfortable, as though he was preparing to discuss the finer points of the birds and the bees with his mother. "C'mon," she said and smiled reassuringly, "You can tell me. You keep what?"
He looked at her, and a goofy grin spread across his lips. Was he thinking the same thing she was? That this was just like old times? Him and her alone, sharing their secrets and confiding their problems in each other. She rested her hands in her lap and straightened her back. "Spill, bro." She commanded with jokey severity.
Lincoln looked at her for a second, then turned away to hide his embarrassment. "I just keep hoping that maybe things will work out and me and her can still be together." His cheeks turned a deep shade of red and he squirmed awkwardly. "It's kind of dumb, but I'm still...I don't know...hung up on her, I guess."
"She was really important to you," Luna said, "It makes sense."
"Yeah," Lincoln confessed, "She was. She was my only girlfriend, so…" he trailed off again.
For a long time, Luna struggled for something to say. It was obvious that this was bothering him, and as his big sister, it was her job to bust out a pearl of sage life advice. "That's just how it goes sometimes," she finally sighed. "People change and that's that. I've been there. I've had friends who are totally different than they used to be, and it's kind of like…"
"...They died?" Lincoln offered, instantly picking up on what his sister really meant as she struggled for a less depressing way to put it.
Luna hesitated. "Yeah," she finally said soberly. "Like they died."
There was a moment where neither said anything, simply digesting the notion.
"I know she's not the same person she used to be," Lincoln reflected, "But sometimes, when I look at her, I feel like I can almost see the girl I knew back then, you know? And it gives me hope. But then it's gone just as quickly as it came and I smarten up...only to get fooled the next time." He sighed. "Sometimes I think I do it to myself."
"Do you like her?" Luna asked. "Like...as a friend? You don't see her much, right?"
Lincoln shook his head. "Not really, every once in a while. And...I don't know if I like her. I kind of don't." The boy grimaced, as if he wasn't very pleased to admit it. "We're just, you know, two different people now and we don't really gel anymore. I don't dislike her, I just feel kind of…"
"Neutral?" Luna asked.
"Yeah," He said after a minute, "Neutral."
"All I can say, man, is do what feels right. If you wanna stay her friend, do it, but if you ask me, you should just move on." She smiled sadly. "It's like the song says. 'You can't put your arms around a memory.'"
Lincoln considered her words for a long time. Luna watched his countenance as he seemed to ponder, deep in thought, and the droplets of rain still banging on the window sent their shadows slithering down his impassive, handsome face. His shoulders swelled with tension as he took a deep breath, as if in the seconds he held it within his chest he was processing the entirety of he and Ronnie Anne's almost decade-long on again off again relationship before at last releasing another long, sad sigh. "I know you're right. I know..." He shook his head, then stood up. "...I'm gonna take a shower."
"Alright..." Luna sent him off gently.
When he was gone, she pulled her knees up to her chest and replayed the conversation she'd just had to herself. Ronnie Anne was an idiot. Full stop. She had to be, otherwise she would have realized what a great guy Lincoln was and staked her claim on him long, long ago. Well, in a way she had, with all the bullying back when they were kids...Luna supposed she really had changed. Her brother was sweet, devoted, attentive, compassionate, smart...Heck, he was even cute, too - he was like the perfect guy.
Maybe she was seeing him through rose colored lenses. Maybe she saw only an exaggeration of his best qualities because she was so gah-gah over him. She could accept her perspective was skewed, but Lincoln truly was a good man when you got right down to it and it depressed her that few enough others seemed to notice, especially because she sensed it was starting to make him get low. The rocker was worried that if things kept going that way he'd change himself in an effort to get some girl, and Luna didn't want that. She liked him the way he was. She liked her Lincoln, the one she'd always been pining after.
Then again, maybe it was a good thing. It meant she didn't have to compete for him with a bunch of other girls. More of her little brother for her, right?
Her stomach knotted.
If she could woman up enough to tell him her feelings, that was.
Lincoln was going back to school tomorrow just a few miles away. He wasn't walking out of her life and she could see him almost any time she wanted, but for some reason, it felt like this was her last chance...her last chance to open her heart to him, her last chance to be with him, her last chance to take her shot.
And that depressed her even more. Because deep in her coward's heart…
...she knew she couldn't do it.
Lincoln Loud passed much of that Saturday afternoon dividing his attention between his phone and the television set. The rain picked up mid-morning and hissed in the streets like a chorus of whispers, and even though he hadn't actually been planning on leaving the apartment that day, he had the sense of being trapped anyway.
There was also another reason for that feeling, one that he couldn't quite place. He was leaving tomorrow morning and he looked forward to it with a curious mix of dread and suspense. His week with Sam and Luna started strange and confusing and awoke thoughts and feelings in him that he couldn't explain and which threw his entire being into chaos. He was relieved it was almost over, but a large part of him - a large, large part - didn't want it to end. It wanted to stay right here and...who knows? He refused to allow himself to dwell further on it because he was afraid. Afraid a detail about himself that he'd regret finding out about would bubble up to the surface. It was best to just play his game and worry about his Sims. He'd go back to school tomorrow, clear his head, and everything would be fine. Every ship hits a rough patch of sea now and then. Some of them sink...but not him. He'd get through this and from here on out, it'd be smooth sailing.
He should find a girlfriend.
The thought had come unbidden and it gave him pause.
If he were honest with himself, the reason he felt the things he felt and thought the things he thought this past week all sprang directly from a place of lovelorn confusion. The only girl he'd ever been serious with was Ronnie Anne, and even that relationship hadn't been too serious. He wanted a girlfriend and not having one was starting to drive him bonkers. It was the only explanation for his loathsome behavior. The best remedy was, therefore, to get one. His stomach knotted at the proposition, but if he sat around like a geek, he knew his problem was only going to get worse. After the ugly things he'd been discovering about himself in the last few days and the way he'd started looking at Sam and even Luna, what was next? Was he going to start thinking of his other sisters and, oh God, maybe even his mother romantically because...he didn't know, there were girls and he was comfortable with them?
Yeah, that sounded right. He wasn't comfortable around girls. He was shy, awkward. He could never think of anything to say to them and just considering trying to hit on one made him freeze up. He hated to admit it because it embarassed him, but he was hopeless that way. With Luna, Sam and the others, he felt at ease because with them, there was no pressure. He wasn't trying to impress them, he wasn't psyching himself out hoping they liked him enough to date him, he could just be himself and not worry about anything else. Only now, he was getting his emotions confused and he kind of was acting like they were potential partners.
Disgusting.
He was pathetic.
He needed to get a grip on himself and start dating. He needed to channel his emotions into healthier avenues. He needed to get over these weird incestuous urges or whatever he had going on and stop being a goddamn nutcase. There was a cute girl in his art class. He'd never seen her with another guy, so maybe she was single.
The idea of talking to her stressed him out, but he resolved to do it anyway. She might reject him, but he needed to be proactive. Most girls weren't the tough, grab 'em by the shirt and drag them off like cavemen types. The man had to make the first move. If he kept waiting for them to do the work, chances were he was going to die alone. Or worse, transfer his impacted emotions into 'safe' girls like his siblings. My sister is nice and sweet and loves me, he'd think, she's everything I want in a girl, she'd never hurt me and I'm soooo comfortable with her. I should ask her out!
A sardonic smile spread across his lips and he threw his head back to give a tired, mirthless chuckle. Isn't that what he was doing already? He'd never put it into so many words, but yeah...
Jeez, he had issues.
Admitting it was hard but it was the first step on the road to recovery, he tried to console himself. It didn't mean he was doomed to be a creep forever. Lincoln had always been the type to actively try and fix it when he noticed a problem. The next step, well, it was to start putting himself out there more.
Monday. He'd talk to that girl on Monday. If she turned him down, so what? He'd talk to another one. And if she turned him down, he'd talk to another. He'd work his way through that entire school and the surrounding neighborhoods if he had to if it meant sparing his beloved sister and her girlfriend from his newfound and unwelcome crapulence. If worse came to worst, he'd hire a hooker.
He paused, hesitating. Well, maybe not.
Still, even with all the worries and concerns he had distracting him, he couldn't help but notice just how profoundly he'd enjoyed the time he'd spent that morning with Luna. The young man thought he'd be dwelling on Ronnie Anne while he was in the shower and getting into his own head like he always did whenever he thought about her, but he was surprised to find how once the water started his mind slowly drifted back to his big sister like a steering wheel swinging back to its default position. Before he even knew it, he'd actually caught himself singing a little bit. He couldn't remember the last time he'd sung in the shower!
At first Lincoln simply chalked his good mood up to their talk being a long awaited and long needed respite from the intense social isolation living in a city where you didn't really know anyone fostered, but if he was honest with himself, it was more than that. The young man had never admitted it to anyone, but out of all his sisters, Luna had always kiiiiind of been his favorite. Yes, yes, it was terrible to have a favorite, but really, everyone does. He had a great relationship with all his siblings, but stretching back all the way to when he was a kid, Luna had always been special. They had a connection. Even back then he'd picked up on it; the rocker had always been the one to give him just that little bit more leeway than the rest of the girls did, always demanded a little bit less of him and offered to do a little bit more. If he screwed up and did something to embarrass his siblings, as he, unfortunately, had on more than one occasion, Luna would always be the one to stop giving him the cold shoulder sooner than the rest. If he went out of his way to do something nice for them, she'd be the one that was just that little bit more appreciative of it, hug him a little longer and thank him a little bit more sincerely. Luna cared about him a lot, and he, for his part, loved his big sister that little bit extra right back.
It went both ways, too. Lincoln would do anything for his family, sure, but whenever he had a problem, whenever he felt down or depressed or even just bored, it would always be Luna that knocked on his door and asked him if he wanted to hang out, with that twinkle in her eye and that easy, open smirk of hers that told him he could tell her anything; he could lay all her troubles on her lap and she'd listen and be there for him. It definitely wasn't 'cool' for a boy on the verge of teenagehood to use his older sister as a confidant, but time and again, that's what Lincoln did. She would have been entirely in her right to shrug him off as a young woman with her own life and worries and concerns, and having little in common with a kid his age when it got right down to it, but unlike some of the others, she never once did. She was never too busy for her little bro. She went out of her way to be there for him, and thus, Luna had always held a very special place in Lincoln's heart. It was inevitable that he'd grow closer to her, and ultimately it resulted in some of his most fond memories as a child to be of coming home from school, throwing his backpack in the hall and immediately rushing up the stairs to his big sister's room to spend the rest of the day listening to Luna's records snuggled up with her. Even now if he really thought about it, he felt if he closed his eyes and tried his hardest he could almost recall the old sensation of the fabric of her shirt against his face, the smell of lavender from her skin and the sound of her soft, musical humming as she brushed her fingers through his hair and he slowly drifted to sleep. The memories were that dear.
He shook his head, surprised at how powerful a burst of emotion he felt when he remembered. The young man thought he could actually feel his eyes sting a bit, and e pretended it was just from the water getting in them. Lincoln figured it was all down to how alone he'd felt the last couple of years, not merely in the romantic sense but in the sense of being away from the people he loved and who he knew loved him back, Luna chief among them. If he was honest, even before that week, there was a brief moment in his life, when he was young enough not to know much better, that he thought he might...have had a crush on her. The idea mortified him once he'd grown a little older and of course he never, ever mentioned it to anyone, but to him, it just went to show the kind of relationship they'd had that he'd felt that way for even a second. Lincoln wasn't excusing his own awful thoughts now as a grown adult or even thought they were related, he only justified it to himself that it wasn't THAT crazy for a kid to feel that way, right...? Luna was beautiful, talented, kind, sweet, supportive and to now, falling into puppy love for a girl like that when he was still a boy chasing after his big sister's heels wasn't anything to be ashamed of.
He soon realized, with a helpless chuckle, that he was getting defensive about his own feelings, even inside his own mind. In Lincoln's own way he was just as neurotic as Lori had been when she was his age, wasn't he? As different from each other as they at first seemed to be, the Louds actually had a lot of traits in common when you got right down to it.
All of that was to say, in so many words, that he and Luna shared a bond. They weren't always the best at hiding it, and their obvious preference for each other had drawn more than one grouchy comment from the particularly needy girls like Lola, but ultimately there wasn't really any denying their special relationship.
But that didn't meant he wasn't still surprised to discover, once he was able to set aside Sam and sex and his own perversions, just how much he'd actually missed her.
Ever since he left home to start college it felt like he was in an emotional deprivation tank. His days had been nothing but work, study, work, study, and maybe hit the bar with the guys every other weekend. He'd always try and find the time and the opportunity to go back home or to visit Luna, he still had a sense of longing for his family, but with how busy he always was and with all the chaos in the Loud house when he visited, combined with his job taking up a lot of his breaks, it never really felt like he had enough time to loosen up, lower his Great Lakes City defenses and really be himself around them anymore. It was a sort of needless guardedness on his part that, in retrospect, he hated himself for not working harder to get rid of. Today he'd actually gotten to spend a quiet moment and just be with his sister, honestly, to laugh and reminisce and smile, and it made him realize nothing had changed. He felt just as loved and happy with her as he used to; it was like no time had even passed at all from those good old days listening to Smooch with her in her room while the rain banged against the window. Past whatever was going on with Sam, past his own weird feelings, past his bad luck with women, once he'd stopped being so self-involved and actually taken the time to really talk to Luna, he'd found she was still the same wonderful girl she always was, still his favorite person in the world. He resolved right then that no matter what, he was going to visit his sister more often. Maybe not long stays like this where he and her girlfriend would be forced together, he was still very wary of himself in that regard, but day visits at least. She meant a lot to him and he regretted not showing it to her on one of the rare chances he'd had to his free week because of his own stupid-hang ups.
And beyond that, well...spending time with Luna made him feel good. Better than he'd felt in quite a while. He wasn't going to let himself keep drifting away from her anymore. They lived in the same city far away from the whole rest of their family, for heaven's sake. When he really thought about it, it was crazy they didn't hang out more. In a sense, all they had was each other.
Well, each other and Sam...
The rain let up around the time Luna finished showering and she'd promptly suggested they go out. "I'm gonna go stir crazy," she begged. Lincoln had said nothing, but when he saw her again his resolve to be a better, more present brother firmed and he'd been moved to give her a sudden hug. While she'd been unprepared for it at first, she quickly and happily returned it. The two soon left their apartment; the streets were still damp and musty, but the sun shined, and the two were able to enjoy a truly peaceful moment together, simply going for a walk through the city.
They ate at a corner store boasting a modest lunch counter and a menu consisting of five items. Several booths were shoved into a remote alcove all but hidden by a Pepsi cooler and a wall-mounted TV played an episode of Divorce Court. Luna ordered a soft taco and Lincoln a tamale, and they ate in one of the booths, both unconsciously going out of their way to keep from making eye contact with the other. "Pretty good," Lincoln offered tentatively as a way to break the strange tension that briefly resurfaced when their hands brushed together when they went for the same condiment bottle.
"Yeah, this place is really killer," Luna grinned. "That's what I love about living in this part of town, you got all kinds of food trucks and little mom and pop places like this. You don't get that in the richy rich neighborhoods." The quaint bohemia of her current living arrangaments seemed to really please her. Lincoln still thought the area was a bit too grimy for his liking, but the tamales were tasty enough to make up for it.
Afterwards, they took a walk to Middlesex Park, a long, narrow strip of trees and duck ponds wedged between West 99th Street and Ridgedale Drive. They stopped before one of the ponds and watched a family of the birds glide across the surface, mama in the lead and her babies bringing up the rear in a sloppy formation that broke and wavered as the ducklings got off course. "We should have bought some bread," Luna said.
"You should have saved some of your taco." Lincoln chided good-humoredly.
She snorted. "Yeah, no, that taco was for me."
"Greedy," he said with a sad head shake.
Luna rolled her eyes. "I didn't see you holding back any of that tamale."
"It's too spicy for ducks," Lincoln pointed out. "It'll burn their bills off."
By unspoken consent, they started back to the main gate. "Those tamales aren't spicy, man, you're just weak."
"I don't think they're spicy, but I'm not a duck. Ducks aren't used to spice."
They got back to the apartment fifteen minutes later, Luna humming happily the whole way and Lincoln drinking in the moment with quiet contentment. His sister stopped him in the lobby so she could check the mail, but as the girl stood before the mailbox and flipped through the day's offerings her smile changed into a quickly deepening frown. Lincoln gathered that most, if not all, of the missives were bills. She and Sam lived as cheap and off the grid as two people in the city could, but they still had credit card debt and medical bills. Last year, Luna had her gallbladder out and because she didn't have health insurance, she was stuck with paying the whole thing on her own. She'd been making tiny payments on a monthly basis ever since, and expected to be fully paid off by the time she hit thirty. Then there was the MasterCard she and Sam applied for and used for emergency purchases. Two years ago, Sam lost her then job and couldn't find another for six months. Without her bringing any money home, they were hurting financially, and wound up putting close to a thousand dollars they couldn't afford onto the card. That one would take a lot longer to pay off than Luna's surgery.
A lot longer.
When they finally got up to the apartment, Luna excused herself before fetching her laptop from hers and Sam's room and dropping onto the couch. She booted it up, leaned over, and grabbed the bills from the coffee table, her sigh of defeat telling Lincoln she was going to (reluctantly) pay them. He sat next to her in the sort of show of quiet support one broke loser gives to another, crossed his legs, and whipped out his phone.
Shortly thereafter, the front door opened and Sam came in with a paper bag clutched to her chest. Luna looked up and greeted her as Lincoln let out a pent up breath.
"Hey," Sam said. She went into the kitchen and sat the bag on the counter with a thunk. "I got supplies for tonight," she said with a grin. She pulled out a bottle of amber liquid and held it enticingly up. "Bottoms up."
Oh right, the party. With everything else going on, it had totally slipped Lincoln's mind. Tonight, he'd have to endure several hours of hanging out with people he didn't know, probably Luna and Sam's intense, artist-type friends, and feeling awkward. For a moment the thought passed through his mind, 'the perfect end to the perfect week', but then he shook his head and frowned, angry at himself for his obnoxious, ungrateful attitude. Both Luna and Sam had been nothing but kind to him his entire break; the girls had opened their home to him, gone far out of their way to make him feel included, feel welcome, and now they were even going through the trouble and expense of throwing him a going away party. Meanwhile he'd only really been able to get out of his own head a bit and have some fun on this, his last day there, and now he felt like he'd wasted one of the few opportunities he'd had lately to spend time with his sister. There was no reason for him to act like such a brat just because his own deranged lust had him second-guessing himself and on edge; that wasn't their fault. He let out a secret sigh and decided that for the last night he had left with the two, he was going to put his worries out of his mind and try to start taking the first steps towards being a being a more gracious guest and a better brother. He'd make it up to the two girls soon. Maybe he'd drop by with groceries next week, help them defray the bill for this party. And some sandwiches from work, too!
"Dude, how much did that cost?" Luna asked sharply.
"I got it on sale for ten," Sam said. "We needed more."
Luna sighed. "Man, we really can't afford that stuff."
"Oh, relax," The blonde reassured her, "We're gonna have a fantastic night. I guarantee it."
The boy briefly stopped calculating in his head how much of his salary wasn't reserved for other expenses that month and figuring out how much he could afford to spend to glance at Sam. Was it just him...or did her eyes twinkle when she said that?