Meridian 521

It was shortly after Daniel had given up. That was how Jack saw it. He knew it was what Daniel wanted. He knew that it was 'I've got my journey you've got yours, following Oma DeSala'. Jack let it happen, but he couldn't help but see it somewhat differently. Daniel was gone. Daniel was dead.

He had spent hours sitting at the bedside of his friend trying to express what he felt, his admiration and brotherly love for this scientist, soldier, and humanitarian. All he felt he accomplished was to sit there and watch Daniel slowly die.

His grief left almost no room for the seething anger he felt for the people that caused Daniel's fatal injury. They had the nerve to accuse Daniel of sabotaging the weapon, a weapon of mass destruction, thus causing the radiation disaster. The one thing Daniel tried to prevent Jack didn't care if it happened - they could blow themselves to hell.

Sergeant Siler called the SGC and got in contact with Colonel Reynolds. "I found him, Sir. He's tossing them back in a bar on Colfax."

"Thanks, Siler. We'll be there in 20."

Colonels Reynolds and Dixon arrived in record time, relieved Siler and sat on either side of Jack O'Neill at the bar.

"Sent Siler home?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, he doesn't do covert too well. Never make a good spy." Dixon said with a grin.

"Great mechanic though." Jack said as he tossed Reynolds his keys.

"I thought you had field exercises tomorrow...ah..." Reynolds looked at his watch "today?"

"I'm fine, Al." Jack muttered.

After settling up his tab Jack did manage to walk without help but he did list a bit.

Reynolds drove Jack's truck, and Dixon followed in his car. They dropped Jack home and asked if he wanted any company. He just shook his head no and headed into his dark house.

Jack sat on the couch staring off into the gloom, so many dismal thoughts he could not dispel.

Why did he ask Jacob to stop? Wasn't there some hope?

Was he deluding himself over Oma?

Everyone looked to him for guidance at Daniel's bedside. Why didn't he go all out to help his friend?

He had left Daniel, all those years ago, to die on Apophis' ship.

He killed Carter when she was possessed by the Entity.

He left Teal'c to take cover and Teal'c was tortured and brainwashed by Apophis.

He lost entire teams - SG-9 and SG-11.

Even the damn tin cans, the robot SG-1 were all destroyed.

Death followed in his wake.

His team was in distress and so was he. So, after a change of schedule, a few days later he took them on a training session shortly before Jonas Quinn was foisted on him – he did see the writing on the wall. He took Quinn along in hopes to wipe the smile off his damned face.

He put them through field exercises - living off the land, with no shelter or food. He sent them alone into simulated fire fights. He drilled them on tactics and techniques until they were too tired and too hungry to wallow in their pain of losing Daniel.

The sole purpose was to reinforce their will, their knowledge and their craftiness to survive. Survive no matter what. Survive torture, survive failing, survive deprivation, survive the loss of everything they held dear, survive the others deaths. He didn't care if they hated him, he preferred it. It might make things easier for them in the long run.

He needed to harden himself. He realized it was all because he was the one in distress, he needed them to survive. He could not survive losing them too.

Looking at SG-1 being put through these grueling exercises Reynolds asked Dixon "What the hell is going on?"

"It's the only way Jack knows how to let them cry.

It's the only way he can."

We are dying, we are dying, so all we can do

is now to be willing to die, and to build the ship

of death to carry the soul on the longest journey.

The Ship of Death by D H Lawrence