Last part. :) Have another chapter or two for "Strings" coming soon. :)
Jenny paid for their one-week stay at a fancy hotel. And insisted they enjoy it.
"You both look like you've been fighting an Apocalypse or something," she said, after she surprised them this morning. "Get back to you. I'll take care of her."
Abbie sat on the comfy bed while Crane brought in their luggage. She didn't know how to temporarily forget about burping cloths soaked with spitup, lost pacifiers, containers of Healthy Grow milk formula, half packs of baby wipes, and stuffed animals that chimed classical music. She didn't even know how to forget about the piles of work she couldn't bring with her. Jenny said she took care of it, that she already talked to their bosses for them. Though hesitant, they ended up agreeing to it and called to say as much. How in the hell she did that was a mystery to Abbie. She was just relieved their bosses understood, though they'd have to find someone to fill in for them.
"What do you wish to do?" Crane said. "We have all this time on our hands." He sat beside her, grabbed her hand.
She yawned. "How about sleep?"
He kneeled in front of her and removed her shoes. Then his own. He stripped down to his boxers, ready for bed.
Abbie stayed where she was, making no moves to change in front of him like she would've done before. Instead, she went to her suitcase, grabbed her pjs, and headed for the bathroom. But Crane stood in her way.
"Allow me." He tried to pry them from her.
"I got it."
"Why are you hiding from me?"
"I'm not the only one hiding. You won't tell me anything anymore. I didn't hear a word from you in the car. Normally, you talk my ear off. I'm trying to figure out what's gotten into you, too."
He sighed. "Perhaps we both should take the time to bare our souls. The last problem we need is lack of communication. Neither of us can seem to let the other in, for fear of judgment and pride, I'd say."
She nodded. "I want us to talk. Just not right now. I'm really tired, Crane. Okay?"
"We'll try later." He kissed her cheek and stepped out of her way.
She wasn't ready to talk about her insecurities. Her body had changed. The stretch marks on her stomach resembled squiggly veins. Each time she sat or bent over, a little pooch appeared. Her thighs and arms acquired a jiggle now. She didn't see herself as sexy since having Chloe. But if Crane talked, then she'd talk. They both needed to have an honest conversation about things or else their issues would get bigger and bigger. And they both knew all of that would affect Chloe. So, yes, she'd talk, for Chloe's sake, if not hers.
It was night when Crane woke. He found one of Abbie's legs between his and the other clutched around his hip. His hands were bunched under her shirt with his chin in her neck. That's not how they went to bed. At home, they slept with Chloe between them and gave her as much space as they could. It's been a couple of months since he's really held her like this.
He nuzzled her neck, her cheek, her lips that he barely kissed now. Crane wanted to gently wake her with his head between her thighs and his tongue and lips sucking and licking the spot that caused her nails to dig into the mattress. She wasn't ready for intimacy yet. He respected her boundaries and had to be patient.
There was no telling what time it was. Instead of thinking of all the ways he'd make love to her, he untangled himself. They should eat. The clock on the night stand said ten o'clock. Or maybe Abbie wanted breakfast. He didn't know what he was in the mood for. Perhaps Chinese or a burger. He wiggled his fingers, paced. Should he wake Abbie and ask her what she preferred to eat? He almost did, but stopped himself. She needed her rest. Or maybe he'd just get back into bed.
He sighed. Crane has been doing that an awful lot lately: being indecisive. That wasn't like him. Even if he knew he was wrong, he was always so sure of himself, his choices, his actions. There was no doubt in him. That was until Chloe came along, his little love. He'd do whatever he could for her. Each moment he held her, he was shook with so many questions and concerns. There were so many decisions to make with Abbie about her wellbeing and future. Which milk formula is best for her? Which diapers should she wear? Which doctor should they take her to? Which school will she attend when she is older? As parents, as a father, Crane knew they had so much to consider. He didn't know the best option, so he kept quiet and let Abbie determine the course of action.
While Abbie slept, he settled upon a shower. Maybe it'll make him sure again. Muchier as the Mad Hatter said to Alice. Chloe took his muchness.
Abbie heard the shower in her sleep and after a while, she opened her eyes and stretched. Her rest was amazing. She missed sleeping. It's not like she had an abundance of it before Chloe. She was an FBI agent; this job kept her up all kinds of hours. She'd be certain to enjoy this week-long vacation and thank Jenny for it once again.
She wasn't hungry, so she removed her night clothes. Crane liked to leave the bathroom door cracked in case she wanted to join him.
She poked her head in; the mirror was foggy. "Got room for one more?"
He pushed aside the shower curtain, smiled. "Of course, Treasure." He made space for her in the shower.
"You've been in here long?"
He shook his head. "Did you sleep well?"
She nodded as she let the water seep down her neck and breasts. Crane kissed her shoulder, neck, jaw, held her.
"Crane."
He sighed, gave her distance. "As you wish, Leftenant."
She faced him. "I want to, but…" She glanced at her feet.
Crane took her hands. "Treasure, you can share what you wish. I will not judge you."
"I know. It's just…"
"Did I do something?"
"It's not you. I haven't been myself lately. My body isn't what it was. It's changed, and I'm not too thrilled."
That was as much as she could say. She was too embarrassed to tell him more.
He touched her cheek. "Do you think I'm not thrilled with your body? I assure you I am more than satisfied with your appearance, even after giving birth. If only you would permit me to show you just as much…"
Though she felt relieved by his words, this was something she'd have to work on for herself. He could tell her she was beautiful all he wanted, but it was in vain if she didn't believe it herself.
He kissed her tummy and stretch marks, gently gripped her thighs. "Your body is a reminder of the amazing daughter you've given me. How can I be repulsed by it when it created such a beautiful child? You've given us a family."
"Come here."
When he stood up, she kissed him for the first time in a couple of weeks. He was still all mint and tea. They wouldn't make love tonight, but this was a start until she was more confident and comfortable in herself. She took his hands, placed one of them on her breast and the other on her butt.
"Are you sure?" he said.
"We'll go slow. Touching and kissing for now."
"If it is what you wish, Abbie."
She kissed him again, thankful for his patience and gentleness. He was never one to push her. Abbie let him touch and kiss her in all the ways she missed until the water cooled.
"What about you?" Abbie said, drying off with a towel. "What's going on?"
His fingers wiggled and he sat on the ledge of the tub. "You don't deserve a weak man. Chloe surely doesn't deserve a weak father. Lately, I can never make up my mind. I suppose it is fear. I'm anxious about fatherhood, about the choices we'll have to make. What if I can't be the father she needs? What if I don't make the proper choices for her and her life ends up ruined? You do such a great job with her. But me, I don't know where to begin."
He's afraid of failing Chloe, his biggest fear as a parent.
Abbie sat beside him. "Crane, it's okay to be scared. You don't think I'm not? That I don't worry if I'm making the right choices for her? You can read as many books as you want, but there's no guide on how to parent. I think the biggest thing is just following your instincts."
He felt like it was impossible to tune in to those instincts, his intuition. How does he do that?
"All it takes is listening to her. I know she can't speak, but she is communicating with us. It takes paying attention. When you do, you'll know what to do. You're amazing with her, Crane. I see how you look at her. Trust yourself."
If only it were that simple. He'd be a mess before he had it all together, but he had Abbie with him. She's always been his guide when he couldn't see clearly.
"And don't be afraid to ask questions. Ask for help if you don't know something. I know you have questions as inquisitive and curious as you are." She smirked and poked him.
He chuckled. "Plenty. My pride, however."
"You gotta let that go. You can't be a parent and be prideful."
"No. Then I'll never learn."
She shook her head. "Trust yourself, Crane. I trust you with her. She trusts you, too. Chloe needs her daddy." She hugged his arm.
Crane felt a little bit optimistic and less nervous about Chloe. He knew it'd take practice and patience with himself. This was learning process and he intended to learn all he could.
"Thank you, Abbie."
"And thank you, Ichabod."
"Shall we get dressed and find a place to eat?" He stood, extended his hand.
She took it, nodding. As he led her out the bathroom, she tugged on his arm. "The mirror."
They stood in front of it with their towels wrapped around them. Both decided to wipe it clean. And afterwards, they saw themselves. Two broken things finally able to face themselves and where they were since having a baby.
"We're going to be okay, Crane. It's okay."
"Indeed, Leftenant. Indeed."