Chapter 4

A/N: Whew, am TIRED! Haven't really been too busy these past few days, had actually planned on posting this yesterday as our afternoon lecture was cancelled and I had a load of time stuck at uni but I ended up trying (and somewhat succeeding!) in getting a bit further in my assignment due next Friday! So, might post between now and then - hopefully I will - but excuse me if I don't... gotta figure out how academic posters work... ugh, just gimme an essay now that I've actually figured out how to format them properly! Anyway, next chapter I'm planning on going a bit more into Brittany's aspect of things since I'm neglected that a bit since the first chapter, other than that... tadaaaa!

TW: self harm

"Hey, San."

The latina winced as a hand shook her shoulder gently and the bright light coming through the window hit her, and she immediately pulled the covers back up to her face.

"Too bright-"

She heard a quiet laugh.

"Sorry."

Santana chewed the inside of her cheek, a habit which had formed when she was confused about something or trying to figure out the answer to a question. Why was Brittany here? Why was Brittany speaking to her? Where was she? She tried to open her eyes more, but they hadn't yet adjusted so it felt like she had just ripped a band aid off.

"Sorry for waking you up. I just have to leave for school now, because dad said he'd drive me on his way to work, and I figured you wouldn't want to come in… and I didn't wanna just leave you without saying goodbye."

"Why- what time is-"

It suddenly all clicked. Why she was in Brittany's bed. Why she wasn't going in. Why her eyes felt like a pin cushion. It hit her like a brick in the chest. And the next thing she knew, she had a pair of arms wrapped around her and a hand rubbing her back.

"Don't cry!"

Brittany sounded so sad, so concerned, that it made her heart break even more. She moved an arm to try return the hug, clutching the other girl as tight as she could, afraid to let go. It was a while before the blonde pulled away, and once again, Santana felt that emptiness in her chest without her touch. The blonde guides Santana back down to the bed slowly, pulling the covers up to her neck and tucking her in, stroking her messy hair and flattening it down as she placed a kiss to her forehead.

"You'll be okay here?" Santana couldn't ignore how it was more of a question than a statement, as if her girlfriend wasn't even sure whether she'd be okay or not but wanted to pretend everything was a slight bit in order. "You've got your phone and I'll text you, or you can text me if you need anything. Mom's gonna be leaving for work in a little bit but she'll probably let you know when she's going. You can go and have something to eat if you want, you know where everything is, okay?"

The latina whined. "I don't want you to leave." She sounded like a child, begging a parent not to go out without them, Brittany only bit her lip and shook her head as she stood up and started to gather her things to leave.

"I'll see you later, 'kay?"

Santana had waited until she'd heard the Pierce's main car leave their driveway before shutting her eyes again. She didn't sleep, though, for a for a while anyway. She couldn't. She turned over, burying herself beneath the covers as if they'd protect her from the hell she was living in right now, trying to remember what had actually happened at first and then going on to think of a way to stop it. When she couldn't, she tried to drift back to sleep, since those twelve hours had been peaceful and painless and it meant that she wouldn't have to think about anything. She woke up again at eleven, but this time the whole situation hit as soon as she opened her eyes.

She stayed in bed for another hour before bothering to get up. She didn't have any motivation to move right now, and it kind of felt like her body was underwater, so she just stared at the wall in front of her.

Until she needed to go to the bathroom, and realised that she couldn't really put it off much longer because it was getting uncomfortable. Every joint ached so badly, but she managed to push herself up and wander into the bathroom.

Her mouth felt dry and disgusting so she took some of Brittany's mouthwash and rinsed it out. She splashed her face with some water and tried to rub off some more of her smeared eyeliner. Searching for a makeup wipe, she didn't have much success, but that's when she saw it.

She picked up the blade and twiddled it around her fingers for a little bit. She sighed, staring at her reflection again before leaning on the sink and drawing a line across the inside of her elbow.

At first, it didn't do much. Nothing happened. Frustrated, she moved a little further down her slender forearm and made another three, angrier cuts horizontally across her arm, this time drawing blood. She did it again. It stung a bit, but it didn't actually feel that bad?

She stared at for a little while with an empty feeling in her chest before the realisation of what she'd done set in. She cursed under her breath, grabbing a load of toilet paper and dabbing her arm, before wandering into the main bathroom to find some gauze and bandage.

The Pierce house was a nice size, five double bedrooms and four bathrooms with a large kitchen, but at the same time it was cosy, with a nice, warm, family feel to it. She couldn't really remember what Brittany's parents did for a living besides that both of them worked. She briefly wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a glass for water before heading into the living room and collapsing onto the couch.

There wasn't much on TV at this time of day. She ended up putting on some crappy house-buying show on, because she really couldn't stand The Simpsons or anything like that. She didn't really watch much of it, finding herself staring at the screen with her mind elsewhere for the most part, but it filled the silence at least.

She stared at the large clock which hung over the fireplace. Around quarter to two, meaning Brittany would be home in the next hour. She tried to smile at the thought, but the guilt of her being dragged into it, and the guilt of what had happened in the bathroom earlier was already beginning to overwhelm her. She felt a tightness in her chest again.

She just wanted this all to be over.

A/N: here's to keeping the Glee fandom alive!