Chapter 6

A/N: well, damn, I got this up quickly? Woke up this morning and was on a roll, wrote on the uni bus, finished it off at uni. Was meant to include more this chapter but it was getting long, and, well, I like my chapters to be even in length so decided to go and update early! No clue when next chapter will be out, some of it is already written but I'm not gonna upload again in the next twenty four hours (hopefully not, anyway) and I'm out all day tomorrow. We will have to see!

TW for self harm and an implied eating disorder

It was the smell of Brittany's mom making pancakes downstairs that woke Santana up on the Saturday. She rubbed her eyes, noticing how dry they felt and how sore the skin on her cheeks was to touch from how much she had cried these past few days, before blearily looking up to the clock. It was around half seven. Brittany usually got up at eight on the weekends, and to be honest Santana wouldn't get out of bed until near noon most Saturdays but then she remembered how much she'd slept these past two days and it all made sense. She glanced over to Brittany. She was still fast asleep, her plush duck cuddled in her arms, with a serious expression on her face, like she was stressing about something.

The latina laid there for a while, not sure what to do, trying to process something, anything, for the first time properly in a while, before heaving herself up and wandering into the bathroom, grabbing some spare clothes on her way in.

Apparently she was more tired than she thought, because she'd had to sit down on the toilet seat the second she'd closed the door, her heart racing. No, Santana, you're not tired, you're anything but tired with how much you've been sleeping these past few days. Regaining a steady heart rate again, she sighed, standing up and getting undressed quietly before putting her hair in a bun and jumping in the shower. She knew the water running would probably wake Brittany up. She wouldn't need to be a long time in there, she didn't like washing her hair in the morning anyway. Wet hair was disgusting and she didn't need that negativity in her life right now.

She stared at the cuts on her arm for a little too long. The bandage she'd put on them earlier was now off and they were still red and fresh and angry. She swallowed hard, her heart beating fast in her chest as she reached into her pocket, feeling around for the small, cold bit of metal, staring at it for a second before taking it to her arm again, over and over, not stopping.

And it was just like that. She put the blade down, rinsed it in the sink and put it back in her pocket. She rinsed the blood off her arm, and only then did it hit her what she'd done.

She'd have these red, ugly marks all over her arm. And then they'd turn into scars, white little lines running across her skin, and it'd be so, so obvious. She couldn't wear short sleeves for a while. People would find out, get suspicious. The Cheerios… what about that? They wore baselayers at competitions, and she was pretty sure she could at practice if she needed to, it was drawing closer to winter, after all. But, oh god, Brittany… Brittany would find out and that would scare and upset her and she couldn't do that to the girl. She's already dragged her into so much with all this shit.

"Santana? Are you okay in there?"

The brunette panicked, wiping her eyes quickly.

Shit.

"Yeah? I'm- I'm in here Brittany."

She tried to sound strong but her voice betrayed her, cracking in the middle as she forced the words out.

"Are you crying?" the other girl sounded said, and Santana wanted to smash herself round the forehead for that.

"No."

The door banged at bit, the handle moving. "Do you want me to come in?"

Shit! Shit, no.

"Just go downstairs, 'kay? I'll be down in a second. I'm almost done in here."

She quickly grabbed the gauze from yesterday and rewrapped her arm, biting her lip with more tears leaking out as it started to sting, and pulled her clothes on, giving her hair a quick brush and made her way down the stairs to the Pierce kitchen. The smell of maple and bacon hit her instantly. She paused at the door for a second, listening inside. She could hear Brittany and her mother talking but she couldn't hear it properly, so eventually she just gave in and walked on through, flashing Whitney Pierce a smile as she pulled a chair out next to Brittany, opposite her sister.

"Did you sleep well, Santana?"

The latina managed a smile and nod, reaching across for her girlfriend's hand under the table. The blonde smiled back at her but there was concern and worry flashing in her eyes. She looked like she was going to say something, but was cut off as her mother placed a plate of fresh pancakes in front of each of them.

She stared at them for a while, moving her fork between her fingers, the cold metal warming up a bit to her body heat. She thought she was hungry, but simply staring at it made her lose her appetite. She knew she hadn't eaten for a day or two now, but it was like she couldn't.

"Santana," Brittany whispered, nudging her with her elbow, "eat."

She noticed her mother was giving her a wary, pitiful look, a small worried smile on her face yet again - god, she was so sick of the pity, it made her feel even worse than she already did in a way. She cut off a bit of the pancake, stabbing it with her fork and staring at it for a while.

It wasn't even that she didn't want to eat it. She did, she knew that she was hungry, she knew that she had to try and eat some of it. It was just that her heart was racing and blood was rushing in her ears so much, her stomach was doing somersaults, and it just felt like she was going to be sick.

It's the anxiety of it all. It was unbearable, it felt like she couldn't breathe.

Frustrated at her own body screaming mixed messages at her and the need to settle her stomach, she shoved the piece of pancake into her mouth, chewing furiously and swallowing it down with a gulp of water. It kind of made things better, it made the next few bites easier at least until her plate was clear. Whitney offered her more, but with the forced effort of the last bite in mind, Santana was pretty sure she'd be sick if she ate anything more. Breakfast wasn't something she really did anyway.

"Brittany said she was wondering if you wanted to have some friends round tonight."

Santana blinked and furrowed her eyebrows.

"Huh?"

The blonde's hand squeezed hers tightly. "I thought it would be a good distraction. From… y'know-"

She blinked. "Distraction from what?" The turned back to the blonde girl. "Distraction."

"Santana," Brittany's voice was low and serious. "San. The ad's running tonight."

A/N: yay to keeping the Glee fandom alive.