Chapter 10

A/N - woweeee guys, long time no see and so much as changed since! So sorry for the abrupt-ish end to this chapter, just wanted to get it over with, forgot that I'd actually done like half of it already but a long time ago and I found it real hard to continue on from that. Also, sorry for the lack of recent updates. Obviously, this whole COVID-19 crap has been a big deal since my last update and I've been in a bit of a low because of it... damn, it's taken such a toll on me mentally. I have had to cancel family coming over which I haven't seen in forever and most likely won't for much longer now, I have lost a beloved hobby, and as a result I now am unlikely to see many of my friends until much later in the year. Uni is also finished for the year, and I miss the animals a lot, I miss the routine, but had a nice final week helping out with lambing at least. I just hope that my work experience in August will be okay to go ahead, because if not I will be absolutely at loss otherwise (and also won't be able to pass... erm, yikes!). Stay strong guys... there's light at the end of the long, dark tunnel we're in right now, and I'm just praying that you are all staying safe and healthy. I'll write whenever I next can. Love yous!

School on Monday was destined to be crap from the second the alarm went off, if not before then.

Yeah, it was going to be nice to do something, actually leave this house, and take her mind off the issue at hand. But at the same time, everyone was going to know about the ad. Everyone will have seen it. The teachers, the students, everyone.

Which is why it was also Monday morning that Santana found herself leaned over the sink with a razor blade in hand again, panting. The idea of everyone knowing, everyone whispering and staring as she walked down the hallway, minding her own business, was terrifying.

She wasn't hungry. Even if she was, she couldn't stomach it. Even the thought of food was making her stomach churn uncomfortably.

The thing was, she realised, more to do with the fear of people talking about her than actually attacking her. She was fine carrying an argument most of the time, although the way she'd reacted to Finn the other day in the hallway scared her, when she'd just frozen in her spot, unable to function. But, yeah, it was mainly the whispers which threatened her the most.

"Santana?" she heard a knock at the door. "Mom's giving us a ride there, but you've gotta hurry up."

Brittany's mom was so nice. Not just the rides to school, but with everything she did it was for her kids. She was a world away from her own mother.

"Santana, are you okay in there? You've been in there a long time."

She cleared her throat.

"I- I'm good. I'll be out in a sec, then I'll come downstairs."

She heard the blonde murmur something, but she was too preoccupied with grabbing some toilet paper to pay much attention. She held it over her wrist for a few minutes to stem the bleeding, and then put it aside so that she could pull on her borrowed leggings and her bra before replacing the bandage which had previously wrapped it. She looked a sorry state, to say the least. She knew deep down that she would very much regret what she'd been doing to herself later on, but she wasn't sure how far ahead she could really think right now.

Brittany couldn't know about it. It would break her heart. And Santana wasn't really sure that she could bring herself to try and explain herself and her actions. It was better that the topic would be left as it was.

It was fine. It was coming up to winter, she could wear jackets whenever she could, but it was more of an issue of when it came to performing. She guessed she could try and cover it up somehow at sectionals.

Wary of time, she cleared up, reapplied her mascara as quickly as she could, and threw on a sweater. She couldn't be bothered with her Cheerios uniform, and, besides, it wasn't even on her right now so she couldn't put it on anyway. Still, she tied her hair in the furniture Cheerios ponytail, before leaving the bathroom and grabbing the bag she'd brought home with her as she went downstairs.

Santana's leg wouldn't stop jiggling up and down the whole of the car journey to school. Brittany had noticed pretty much straight away, knowing that it was a habit of the shorter girl, something she did when she was anxious about something. She'd never admit it, and always dismissed it with something like 'it was comfy' or 'she was bored' and that being the reason why she did it. Instead of questioning it, Brittany placed her hand on the girl's kneecap instead, hoping that it would at least stop the nervous action, and ideally calm the other girl down a bit.

When they got to the school drop off area, Brittany got increasingly nervous. She turned to face Santana, trying to nonverbally ask her what she wanted to do when she got into the school building itself, but the latina was avoiding eye contact as best she could. So, she said goodbye to her mom, told her that she'd let her know if everything was okay, and Whitney Pierce had told Santana to call her if she wanted to be picked up at any time, which was a deal which seemed fine to both of them.

"Santana," Brittany whispered, waiting in the school car park just after her mom had left, "what do you want to do?"

The blonde had no idea what she was supposed to do, frankly, so she figured it was best to let her girlfriend decide for her. With the ad and all, and with the classic McKinley High gossip which followed the popular kids more than anyone imminent, she didn't know whether to give Santana space or to try and deter the rumours which were most likely circulating. The issue with that was that she wouldn't be there if anything bad happened, if the latina needed her for support, or if a repeat of Thursday's panic attack was to happen.

"I don't know, Brittany," the Latina mumbled. "I just want things to be normal."

The blonde sighed. As much as they tried to fight it, nothing would be normal now. At least, it wouldn't be normal for a while.