The thing about Kaleb was... he might not had understood fully what I was, but he sure had a pretty good idea. And if he couldn't understand when we met, he sure did when I bit him.
Yes, I know. That was a new low for me. But don't judge me just yet.
I hadn't hit rock bottom though. I was still falling down the rabbit hole. And every mistake I made was probably a weak attempt to keep myself from falling, a cry for help that no one seemed to listen. Until someone did.
There were more after Kaleb. In the next month, there were many, many more. I had read somewhere that everything in excess could be bad for you, could turn into a vice, in a circle you couldn't get out of. It was true. The more I did that, the harder it got to stop.
But then I realized sex and blood wasn't the answer I was looking for. Well, it was awesome and granted me moments of pleasure my life was lacking. But the fact was: I was still relying on someone else to make me feel good. And that was not who I wanted to be.
That was around the time I started to feel ashamed of what I was doing. I couldn't look at myself in mirror anymore without trembling. I didn't know what I was looking for and that was causing me to lose track of myself.
Slippery slope, right?
Goddamn it. I had it all figured out not long ago. I knew who I was and what I needed. I knew what I wanted. What did I know now?
One thing was for sure – I had to stop. Stop falling into this well and find my way back up. And then I would figure out what to do with whatever was left of me.
But I only came to this realization when it was too late.
The boy was could be fifteen for all I knew. Shy, pale, smart. A geek. He was kind to me. Of course he had no idea when he took me to bed that it would come to this. I had no idea...
He looked so fragile. His eyes circled in dark lashes. His lips very still, but as I stared at him he smiled. I watched him all the harder, convinced I was going to harm him; and the more I watched, the more he seemed to smile.
I had the urge to reach for him, to shake him violently so that maybe he would recognize the danger and run; and suddenly I found him pressed against me, his arm around my chest, his soft breath against my skin. It was delirium.
I moved to get away from him, and yet I was drawn to him and I didn't move at all, his arm exerting its firm pressure. All my flesh yearned for his warmth.
I found myself with my hand outstretched, touching his face. I saw that mortal boy watching me, and I smelled the hot aroma of his flesh. His eyes fearless and exciting as he held me.
And before I could push him away for his own sake, I saw the vein moving in his tender neck. He was offering it to me, I told myself. He was pressing the length of his body against me now, and I felt the hard strength of his sex pressing against my leg. A wretched gasp escaped my lips and I sank my teeth into his skin, my body rigid. Wave after wave of his beating heart passed into me as, weightless, I rocked with him, devouring him, his ecstasy, his conscious pleasure.
I didn't hear him scream or complain or make any sound at all. I was too into the drug. I didn't take any precautions to not hurt him and I didn't care if he could take it or not. I don't know for how long I sucked at him. Time had a way of losing meaning.
Then, weak and gasping, I saw him at a distance from me, my arms empty, my mouth still flooded with the taste of his blood.
It took me a moment to realize we weren't alone anymore. Klaus was standing between us, his eyes cold, his lips pressed together. Klaus! Of all the vampires I knew. I could have laughed if I wasn't naked with virgin blood spilling out of my mouth.
The boy gazed at me, his eyes misted over and weak from the loss of life. I remember moving mutely forward, drawn to him and seemingly unable to control it, that gaze taunting me, that conscious life defying me; he should die and would not die; he would live on, comprehending, surviving that intimacy!
Klaus pushed me back on the bed. I fell, still confused, still not fulling understanding what was happening. What in the world was he doing there? How had he found me? Why did he care?
I turned. Klaus knelt in front of the naked boy and stared him deep in the eyes. He told him something I couldn't hear but the way the boy nodded left me with a pretty good idea of what it was. The boy got up, put his clothes back on and left without another look in my direction.
Slowly the hunger in me subsided, but my head throbbed. Someone touched me suddenly, pushed me roughly, so that I almost lost my balance, and when I straitened I saw the thin, angular face of the trickster vampire I despised. He reached out for me with his white hands.
"Come with me," he said.
There was something disturbing to me in the room, and I didn't know what it was. I didn't in truth know what was wrong with me, only that I'd been drawn forcefully either by myself or someone else from a fierce, consuming state: the kill to which I'd abandoned myself, obscenely, in the eyes of others.
"Why?" I think I said, but my voice sounded differently. Teasing. Amused. Nothing like what I was truly feeling. "Come lie here with me," I offered letting myself fall back on the bed.
Klaus looked so distance I doubted he was even seeing me there, naked. He slowly took off his jacket and handed it to me. I wasn't exactly in my right mind so I can't guarantee that what I heard escape his lips was something he really said, but it sounded strangely like 'don't tempt me.'