I decided to give you guys' two chapters for this one today, since CoLu has yet to appear in either of them. Also, they're both kind of short. ...And Family might be a bit late in posting tomorrow

But what this does have is PLENTY of Crime Sorciere friendship!

I'm wondering if I shouldn't up the rating due to all the swearing...

Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail.

Kinana sat upon her bed in Fairy Hills with the door firmly locked, barred, and otherwise barricaded against white-haired, demon-barmaid eavesdroppers. With her communications lacrima resting on the mattress in front of her, she puffed out her cheeks in irritation at the image within the crystal. "It's not that funny, Erik!"

On the other side of the connection, a maroon haired man with dark skin, pointed ears, and a startling scar over one of his eyes laughed uproariously at the predicament his best friend had gotten herself into. In fact, tears were streaming from his only functioning, indigo eye, and he was holding his stomach. He was shaking as harsh guffaws wracked his body. After a few minutes, and with a distinct wheeze as he fought back a second bout of painful laughter, he asked her, "How do you even get yourself into these kinds of situations, Cu?!"

The use of the old nickname had her cheeks flaming. "You act like I've done this before!"

"Maybe not this, specifically, but close enough. Remember the last time you visited us in person, and you let Meredy pull you into a candy eating contest?" he reminded her, still chortling.

Oh, yes. Kinana remembered that incident well. She had been out for the count long before her competitor, and not to mention had gotten very, very ill from all the confections. Several months later, and she still couldn't look at a lollipop without rushing to the restroom. How it was that the Sensory mage had managed to pack away so many sugary treats into her tiny form was a mystery - but not as a big a one as to how the woman managed to avoid cavities with lack of access to reliable dental facilities. As it was, Wendy was still scolding and inspecting Kinana's mouth on a regular basis. "Look, if you're not going to help me out, I'm just going to hang up!"

"Wait, wait!" he implored, trying to compose himself. "I'll help! Goddamn, this is just too funny!" With a cough, the man managed to pull himself together. Mostly. A slap-happy grin full of extra-sharp canines spread across his face.

There was also a malicious twinkle in his eye that Kinana wasn't certain she liked or trusted.

"So, do you have any idea what you're going to do for your ships?" Erik asked.

"Not a single clue!" the purple-haired woman lamented, flopping backwards onto her mattress. Holding the lacrima aloft so Erik could still see her, she continued, "I really don't have any idea where to begin!"

Erik shook his head in exasperation. "Good grief. Let's just start with what her pairings are, and then go from there."

"Hey, what's going on?" A white-haired woman elbowed her way into the lacrima frame. "Why were you laughing so hard…? Care to share with the class - Oh! Kinana! Hello!"

"Hi, Sorano," she greeted.

Sorano smiled at her comrade's best friend. "Of, course, who else should I have expected? You're the only one that tolerates him."

"Hey! Plenty of people like me!"

"Pretty sure it's only Kinana. No offense meant to you, honey. Just Erik."

"And yet insult was still meant," Erik grumbled.

"Kinana?!" came a high-pitched squeal.

"What… hey!" Erik shouted, as a woman with pink hair muscled her way into the frame as well. "Do you two mind?!"

"Oh, be quiet, Erik," the pinkette dismissed him. "Kinana! We haven't talked in forever! How are you?"

"Hello, Meredy," Kinana replied, with a sweatdrop.

"Stop hijacking my lacrima!"

"Shut the fuck up, Erik," Sorano growled at her comrade. "We never get to talk to her. You're always hogging her!"

The dark skinned man sputtered. "But you do this every damn time! Every. Goddamn. Fucking. Time!"

Somewhere behind the trio came a groan. "Erik! Just give up already!" Macbeth called out, sounding exhausted. "You're never going to win!"

"That's right," Sorano said smugly. Then she redirected her attention to Kinana. "So? How are you doing?"

Beside them, Erik rolled his eye and sighed.

"I'm doing fine," Kinana reassured them, sweat-dropping at Erik's put-out expression. "I just… I did get myself into a bit of a…"

"Ship war," Erik stated flatly.

Sorano cuffed him.

"Ouch!"

"Don't interrupt. You were saying, Kinana?"

Erik growled at the white-haired woman. "You fucking crazy bitch, why the fuck would you –" He dodged another incoming blow – one slightly more lethal than the previous hit. "Ha! Missed me!"

Ignoring him, she returned her attention to the woman on the other end of the lacrima. "A ship war, huh?"

Meredy squealed excitedly. "I'm so happy to hear that you're getting into shipping! But ship wars are bad!" she scolded. "They can tear apart entire fandoms and friendships."

Kinana groaned. "Trust me, this wasn't my idea. I have to come up with alternate ships to Mirajane's, and invent justifications for them, too!"

Pouting, Meredy hung her head. "Sorry, I would love to help but I pretty much ship the same as Mirajane…"

"I don't," Sorano interjected with a smirk. "I would be happy to help you come up with some. Justification can come later."

In the background, Erik shook his head. "I don't think it works like that," he muttered.

"If it has to do with love, I shall gladly lend my assistance as well!" Richard declared.

"Eh, I'll help, too. For whatever it's worth," Sawyer offered.

Jellal chuckled somewhere nearby. "Glad to see you all pulling together to help her out."

"Not me," Macbeth said. "I'm going back to sleep."

"Like that surprises anyone." Sarcasm positively dripped from Sawyer's words.

"Fuck off."

"Back to the actual problem," Erik said, leaning heavily on the two women so he could see the lacrima properly. "What ships are we altering, here?"

"Okay – I need to pick one person from each ship, and find a new one for them," Kinana explained. When they all nodded, she told them, "The ships are: Gruvia, Jerza, GaLe, StinErva, RoKino, ElfGreen, MaxLaki, Laxana, RoWen, and NaLu." Oh, how Cana had laughed at her own ship.

"RoKino had better not be what I think it is," Sorano hissed softly, one eyebrow twitching.

"What the fuck are those?" Sawyer muttered.

"Ship names!" Meredy called over her shoulder to the mage. Turning back to the lacrima, she shook her head sadly. "So Gray and Juvia are up first, huh? It kind of makes me sad, but I guess if it's for you, Kinana… I'll let it go for now…"

Kinana gave her friend a sympathetic look. "I'm really sorry about this, Meredy. I'm not doing this to hurt you – Mira just sort of sucked me into it…"

"It's okay. Thank you for understanding, though." The pinkette smiled brilliantly at her distant friend.

"Well, this ship is easy," Sorano stated. "I'll fucking take Gray." When the others stared at her, she shrugged. "What? He's hot – relatively speaking – strong, and he was fairly decent to me during our confrontation during the Infinity Clock thing three years ago. Fuck yeah, I'm interested. See? You even have your justification for it, already!"

Meredy looked like her world had just collapsed around her ears.

"Now look what you've done, Sorano!" Erik groaned. "You fucking broke the pink demon!"

"Meredy!" the Celestial Mage cried. "I'm sorry!"

"I-I'm fine," Meredy said, her eyes slightly glazed over from the shock. "I didn't… I didn't know you felt that way about Gray. Both… both of my friends have crushes on the same guy." She whimpered softly. "Jelly, what do I do?! I want both of them to be happy!"

"How should I know?" Jellal questioned the girl.

"Well... what do you think Ultear would want?!"

"How the hell should I know?!" the bluenette repeated.

Sorano cleared her throat awkwardly. "Um… if it makes you feel any better – Juvia and I could always share him. I mean, Juvia's not half bad. I could work with that."

A keening wail erupted from Meredy's mouth.

Erik suddenly swore. "Shit! Fuck! Shut up, Sorano! You're just making it worse!" He violently flinched. "Goddammit, now she's fucking imagining it! Why the fuck would you do that, Sorano?! Why?!"

She shrugged noncommittally.

Kinana rubbed her forehead, sitting up. Grabbing paper and pen she wrote down "Sorano x Gray. Justification... Sorano is already interested." The barmaid was just going to have to work with that for now. Actually, when she thought about it... that was pretty much the only justification Mirajane had for Juvia with Gray. Gray himself had never given any indication that he was interested in anyone so far as Kinana could tell. "Why don't we move on, then?" she suggested.

Meredy, sniffling, began to calm down a bit. "Next up was Jerza, right? So…" Hiccups started coming from the girl. "Don't… don't mind me," she said. "I'm just… my precious ships…"

Pity flowed through Kinana for her shipper friend. The poor girl had the disease just as bad as Mirajane, and had been shipping Jellal and Erza together much harder and longer than even the Take Over Mage herself had. This was going to be rough on her.

Suddenly, Erik grinned at the lacrima, a feral gleam in his eye.

Kinana's heart dropped. No. He wasn't going to suggest himself and Erza like Sorano did, was he…? Erik didn't have a death wish, right?

"No, Cu – and I may not be able to hear your thoughts over this thing but it's written all over your face," he explained when she internally started panicking. "But I know exactly what pairing you should go with for this one!" His grin widened even further, dark glee suffusing his very being. "Erza and… Macbeth."

"What?" came Jellal's decidedly unamused response.

"What?!" sputtered Macbeth in the background.

"Don't even deny it!" Erik crowed with malicious delight. "You've been fantasizing about that psychotic, redheaded, hammer-wielding monster for years. Ever since Nirvana!"

"Oh really?" Jellal hissed. "Have you now."

"No! He's fucking lying! Erik, you asshole! Why the fuck would you do this to me?!"

Ignoring him, Erik tapped his open palm with one finger with great insistence. "What are you waiting for? Write this shit down. This is fucking gold!"

"Richard! Help me restrain Jellal!" Sawyer shouted. "Dude, don't kill him! He's never made a move on her!"

"This is not the true way of love!"

Meredy sobbed quietly in the background, again conflicted in which friend to support in their love lives.

That was when Kinana realized something very important.

All of her friends were insane.

Seemed a good spot to leave it.

I have way too much fun writing Crime Sorciere and their interactions.