She peered out onto her small balcony and saw the outline of his shoulders. She lit up as she walked out., she'd need it. Now dressed in sport shorts and an oversized jumper, she sat down next to him. He passed her a glass of straight whisky, and took a large gulp from his own, she noticed he'd brought the bottle with him. It felt strange to smoke outside, they'd always smoked inside. It was fine with her, but she could never tell if it was just his way, or if it was subconcience tick, one that highlighten again, that whatever they had, it existed behind closed doors. The change shifted her off balance and for a moment she had to remember how to breath through it, so she settled for handing him the blunt to occupy her hands for the second that it took.

'I don't know what to say to you'

She breathed it so quietly, as though any louder would solidify the existence of the hell he was in even more so.

'I dont know what to say to me either. I mean I dont….'

He paused and she watched the agony swim in his eyes. And for that moment it didnt matter that she was a cop and he was a criminal. It didnt matter that he threatended her. It didn't matter that she tried to end things. It didnt matter that even if she could bring out the light in him, he would probably only ever bring out darkness in her. All that mattered was the clarity that at that second, she would give everything she owned and could borrow to take that look out of his eyes.

'I dont know how to exist in a world where he doesn't'

'Yeah that never really goes away'

'Thats what I thought. And a fuuucked up part of me doesnt want it to. Because he was my brother and I dont ever want to stop hurting for him. Maybe if I do that means I've forgotten him. But another part of me wants to kill him. How messed up is that? Wanting to kill a dead man.'

He twisted the blunt in his fingers before passing it back to her. She took it between her lips, inhaled deeply and did the first thing she could think of, she took the hand that wasn't holding his tumbler. The cool metal of his rings was uncomfortably familiar. He grabbed her hand back with such a force that it shocked her, but she held fast and gripped back as he spoke again.

'I know I need to say things to you, but just, not tonight. I'm sorry but just not tonight'

'Who says allowing you to stealing my weed and whisky isnt a one time offer Scotty?'

The nickname slid over her tongue and teeth before she had time to bite on it. Careful, she told herself, careful. But he laughed lightly and pulled on her hand, tugging her whole form against his shoulder. Placing his tumbler down he took back the blunt and finished it before throwing it into her ashtray.

'You should've kicked me out. But you didnt. Thats how I know'

She didn't trust herself to answer so she just responded with a lowering of her jaw.

'You look tired LT'

'I'd be asleep if you hadn't turned up in my bathroom'

'Well..'

They stared at each other, unsure of the next move in their dangerous game of wills. She knew what would happen if he stayed, but she also didnt know if she could cope with him leaving. But she also knew, after everything he wouldn't be the one to ask. So gave over to her terrible judgement again and threw caution to the wind. Standing up without letting go of his hand and finshing her drink. He followed suit and she started walking inside.

Throwing him a tshirt he'd left there days ago without a word, she sat down on her bed. He dropped the tshirt next to her and stood in front of her.

'You don't have to have me here'

If that wasn't a question beneath a question she didn't know what was.

'Sit down'

Carefully he sat down next to her, feeling the bed lower under his weight she spoke again.

'I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what you're doing. But you can stay. I want you to stay'

'Okay'

He stood and started changing, taking off his leather with slow movements. She moved back towards her headboard and shifted under the sheets. He turned the light off and they were plunged into darkness. Maybe its better this way she thought, perhaps they were only completely, honestly, themselves cloaked in darkness. He shifted in next to her, the heat from his body already spreading through the mattress. She felt his heavy hand on her hip and she turned to him. Her eyes adjusting, she could make out his jawline and even the haunting in his eyes.

'I'm sorry' He whispered, with gut wrenching honesty and pain that it took the breath out of her.

'I know'

She placed her palm from on his chest, feeling his beads beneath his fingers, and in just that movement lowered the wall that they'd put up over the last few days. He moved his hand from her hip to hold the wrist that was against his chest. And with that, the fight in her was gone. He tugged her towards him and once again she was gone.