If I would have known what happened that day, I could have saved myself a lot of confusion and hurt. But I would be lying if I said that that day hadn't changed literally everything that I knew to be my boring, normal life in La Push. It took a lot of time for me to be able to look back at all of this and see not only when and how, but why, tensions were rising so high and that there was nothing I could have done to fix it.

When Sam started coming around again, it was very evident that it wasn't for me. Wherever I was, Emily was, and right behind us was a lingering Sam. But I was a kid back then. At 18 years old, I was more willing to ignore the red flags that I was seeing than take them head-on.

I almost forgot what it's like to have my cousin around. There was always something about her that made people want to just do whatever she asked of them. She delicately commanded a certain type of attention that I was just never able to achieve. No one told her no. And if they did, she found a way to make them say yes with her sweet smile and honeyed voice.

The only people that tactic doesn't work on is Paul and Rebecca. Over the years, Bex and Emily could never really seem to form a relationship of their own. In fact, every time Emily came for the summer, Bex worked extra hard to make sure that the other people in the room were equipped to stop her when she couldn't bite her tongue anymore. Emily likes to slip little remarks at Bex, Bex likes to hurl her opinions at pretty much anyone she has a problem with. When we were 13, I thought it was just a jealousy thing, but as we got older, I knew it was just a clash of personalities.

As for Paul, he just never does anything he doesn't want to do. Once his mind is made up, that's pretty much it. No amount of 'pleases' or 'pretty pleases' would change his mind. Unless he cared about you. And Emily just wasn't around enough for him to care about her attempts at subtle coercion.

Sam was along for the ride though. After weeks of silence, he was ready to say yes to anything. If Emily says, "Remember that bookstore in Port Angeles? Can we go?" Sam says, "I'll drive." If Emily says, "Let's go get ice cream." Sam says, "My treat! What's your favorite flavor?" If Emily says, "Oh shoot, I left my sweater upstairs," Sam jumps up and offers to get it for her.

The first couple of times, I thought he was just being nice. But it was starting to feel like more when we were all at the dinner table and Daddy asked, "How is Jared, Sam?"

Sam was trying hard not to obviously stare in Emily's direction that he couldn't answer. Everyone could see his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard and the vein in his forehead make its appearance more and more as time passed. He kept his head down toward his plate but every three or so seconds, his eyes would dart in Emily's direction. I nudged him with my elbow, a lot softer than he deserved. "Huh?" he said, his head snapping up. "Um…he's fine."

"Where's he been? He's barely around," Paul pointed out, a slight edge in his voice.

"He's sick," Sam and Dad had snapped at the same time. Dad cleared his throat. "He should be feeling better soon. It hit him pretty unexpectedly."

"What did?" Paul pushed back. He had been quite vocal about how unfair it was that everyone was keeping secrets. Both of his brothers were clearly going through something and he didn't know what it was.

Dad shoved a large forkful of food in his mouth as he contemplated Paul's question. After he swallowed, he immediately picked up his water glass and avoided eye contact, "It's nothing for you to worry about, Paul. Jared will be fine."

Jared had going through the same type of thing that Sam was going through. He stopped answering everyone's phone calls, he's barely seen out in public and, when he is, he's sweating and irritable and very short with people. I'd only seen him a couple of times in the past week or so and both times, he immediately asked me where Sam was with this strange sense of urgency.

After that comment, everyone at the table just went quiet. While Sam went back to working hard to keep his eyes on his plate, I was trying to make eye contact with Paul to see if he was alright. Mom interjected, attempting to change the subject, "Em, sweetie, tell us all about your independent study."

I loved my cousin, but it felt like she wanted to talk about herself more and more these days. So much so that when mom asked about her independent study, it was the only topic of conversation through the rest of dinner…and dessert…and even after. I think I was the only one to notice when Paul stepped outside as everyone was gravitating toward the living room.

"…so then I started volunteering at the elementary school's after school program twice a week. I just love spending time with the Kindergarteners. They…"

Emily was going on and on about why she decided she wanted to teach Kindergarten after college. She managed to get this internship thing for her independent study at La Push Elementary and then she would go back for her high school graduation before going to UW. She's talked about it so many times at this point, I could probably recite it in my sleep. I let out a quiet sigh before standing up and stretching. No one noticed. Grabbing my camera, I made my way to the back porch to see Paul sitting perched on the rail with a beer in his hand. It was a Heineken, one of my dad's. He was looking out, away from me, his face gravely serious. I felt a small smile tug at my lips as I lifted the camera. The sun was setting behind him, effectively making him a silhouette. I managed to get three shots of him; one looking out at the world, one looking down, and one tipping the bottle into his mouth. I lowered my camera to look back at him, smiling to myself. When I glanced back up, he was looking at me amused with an eyebrow raised. "Did you get the shot?" he asked.

"Yup," I smiled. "You should be a model."

He shook his head, his nose crinkled. "I'm very picky when it comes to my photographers," he joked. He sighed before sitting in one of the white Adirondack chairs. He patted the one next to him, inviting me to sit. "Is she still talking about her study?"

I nodded, gently grabbing the bottle from his hand. "Third time today…" I mumbled. "Not that anyone's noticed. They're the moths. She's the flame."

"Do I sense a little resentment in your voice, Clearwater?" Paul teased.

I shrugged, "It's not resentment; it's just…slight…annoyance." I paused, contemplating. "When we were kids, she hated being the center of attention. Now, it just feels like…"

"She has to tell people how good of a person she is?" he finished. I nodded. "I wouldn't worry about that. She had to figure out how to shine as bright as you."

I snorted and rolled my eyes, "I don't know about that…"

I could hear Sam and Mom laughing just a little too loud at whatever Emily said, inside. I hadn't heard Sam laugh like that in a while. Not that it mattered. He wasn't exactly being subtle about his intentions to be around. If it were a year ago, he would have come outside with me instead of not even bothering to look up when I walked out of the house for air.

It wasn't that I didn't love my cousin being here; I did, more than anything in the world. It just felt like everything was having this strange way of showing itself. Even as a kid, I felt like my mother wanted me to be the person that Emily was turning out to be. Emily was closer aligned with the ideal daughter that my mom envisioned. A sweet girl who wanted to focus on her community rather than a skeptical creative who was dying to see something other than the reservation's rainy days.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I saw Paul gesture to his house across the yard. "You see that?" he asked. "The window?"

The Lahote house was always completely open for anyone to peak in. They didn't have any curtains or blinds up and, when Diana and Randall were home, they always had the bright lights on. For years, I could see bottles being thrown or liquor being downed or Paul sneaking in and out of the house behind Diana and Randall screaming at each other. This time, the window that Paul was pointing at was dark. So was the living room. "What room is that?" I asked.

"Their bedroom," he answered, swiping the beer bottle from my hand. His fingers brushed mine, but he didn't seem to notice. "It's been dark for a few days. I think they went on another bender."

"Well, that's good, right? You can relax now." His jaw clenched and he didn't say anything. I could hear his fingernails tapping on the glass bottle. "What's wrong?"

The door squeaked open behind us. I looked up to see Emily walking through with a bright smile on her face and a cautious Sam right behind her. "Hey! We were wondering where you two went," Emily said. "Harry and Sue are headed to bed. Do you guys wanna go get a milkshake?"

"Uh, actually," Paul said, standing up, "I think I'm gonna head back to my house for the night. You guys have fun though."

"Wait, why are you leaving?" I asked, concerned. Just because Diana and Randall are on a bender doesn't mean that the house is completely in the clear. I worried about them popping back up and reprimanding him for hiding out at our house for so long. His black eye just healed; he didn't need another one.

"No worries, Lee. I'll be alright," he smirked at me.

"Ok…well, don't forget—"

"Rach and Becca's party is tomorrow night. I won't forget."

"I actually better be going too," Sam said, moving around Emily. "Good night, Em," and then he started to turn around. Then he stopped abruptly. "And Leah! G-good night, Leah."

Paul gave Sam a dirty look as they both walked off. "What the fuck was that?" I heard him ask.

XXXXXXXXX

If you ever wanted to see a genuinely sweet person lose her mind, you should have seen Rachel on party day. Every time she saw something that wasn't absolutely perfect, her voice went up an octave and the tips of her ears turned redder and redder. "No, the balloon arch is supposed to go at the front door," she told our friend, Frankie, who was just here to help as much as possible. Poor boy.

Meanwhile, I was setting up the photo booth and laughing at Bex as she did what she was assigned to do: stay out of the way and lead people in the right direction. "Did you know that sea turtles are protected by Hawaiian state law? You can't even touch one or you could go to jail." she said, swinging her dangling feet from the stage. I handed her a cardboard cutout of sunglasses for the photo booth. We had sunglasses, happy birthday signs, tiaras, presents. All within theme, of course, or else Rachel would blow an actual gasket. Bex happily helped as she continued to throw out random facts about her future home state. "Did you know that there are no native snakes in Hawaii? And that they're actually outlawed?"

"Why do you know these things?" I laughed. "And how do you outlaw an animal?"

She shrugged. "Maybe someone tried to sneak one onto the island."

"Lee!" Rachel called from the other side of the room. "Where's Paul? Where are the boys?"

Bex chuckled under her breath, "She'll be calling dogs if her voice gets any squeakier."

Paul had gone home the night before and then didn't show up to make the cake this morning. My original plan was to help him with the cake, but when Bex text me that Rachel was in tornado mode, I left the house as soon as possible. It was nice to not be attached to my cousin for a little while, but I still felt guilty that she may be bored without me.

I pulled out my phone and shot a quick text to Paul, only to be met with an undelivered sign immediately. I furrowed my brows before tucking it back in my pocket as I heard Rachel's rapid footsteps getting closer and closer. "I'm about to freak out," she huffed.

"About to?" Becca joked.

"There's no drinks and no food," Rach pouted. "Bex and I have an appointment in an hour and nothing's done. No one's answering their phones. This is a disaster!"

"And they call me the dramatic twin," Bex rolled her eyes before hopping off the stage. She grabbed her twin by the shoulders and shook her a little bit. "Get a grip. I'll call Dylan and ask if he can buy some alcohol for the party. Frankie and Blake will finish setting up. And Lee will go check on Paul and the cake. Deal?"

Rachel took a deep breath and nodded, "Deal."

Rachel and Rebecca left to get their hair done and get ready for the night and I left not too long after them to go find Paul. It wasn't like him to turn his phone off. As I made the long trek from the venue to the neighborhood, I tried calling a couple more times, making the excuse that the signal was bad. He wouldn't just bail the day of the party. No way.

When he didn't answer the front door at his house, I tried back at mine. Instead of finding Paul, I found a dining table covered completely in tightly packed plates of food and a beautiful cake on the counter. Seth was standing in front of the table, trying to sneak a snickerdoodle cookie from under the tinfoil. "Hey!" I exclaimed. "Get out of those, you little creature! Those are for tonight."

"Paul said I could have one," Seth said with his mouth full.

"He was here?"

Seth nodded as he swallowed. "He was leaving when I was coming back from Brady's house. Seemed to be in a hurry."

"Did he say where he was going?"

Seth shook his head before grabbing another cookie and running upstairs. I looked at all of the food and blew out a breath. There was no way I could carry all of it by myself. "Seth!" I called. I heard rustling upstairs but no reply. "Bub?"

Just then, Emily barreled through the back door and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me. Her face was red and flustered. "I thought that was you," she said, throwing on an unconvincing smile. She was in a pretty pink dress with no shoes on. "You left so early, I didn't get to say good morning."

"Sorry about that…I wanted to help make sure everything was good down at the venue before tonight. Are you alright? You seem out of breath."

"Yeah!" she answered a little too quickly. "I just had to run to the store really quick."

I glanced down at her feet and then back up. "Barefoot?"

Sam walked in seconds later, looking equally as flustered. His eyes didn't light up the way they used to when he saw me. They just kept darting between Emily and me and then Emily and then me again. "H-hey…Leah," he stuttered. Leah. Not Lee Lee. He hesitated before walking over to me and kissed me on the forehead as if it was the most unnatural thing he'd ever done. "Is everything ready for the party?"

I moved away from him a little before nodding. "Rachel's a little upset you didn't pull through with the drinks, but other than that, everything's set."

What's that thing they say about rose-colored glasses? When you look through them, all the red flags just look like flags? It wasn't great that Sam and I hadn't been alone in weeks. Or that every time I turned around, he seemed to be charmed by my cousin. Or that he couldn't seem focused enough to answer pretty straight forward questions. My once reliable, safe, dependable boyfriend was a complete stranger to me now. But instead of focusing on that, my mind was split in two ways. Getting ready for the night and making sure that Paul was alright.

Instead of just letting the three of us stand there awkwardly, I asked if they could help me get the food to the party before it was too late. I personally carried the cake, making sure that every inch of frosting, every sparkler-candle, and every flower were just perfect. Paul and Barefoot Contessa would be proud. As quickly as we set the food down was as quickly Sam made his exit with a hasty and incoherent excuse. Emily hummed to herself as she unwrapped the food, seemingly avoiding me as much as possible.

The venue looked beautiful. I could tell how much time Rachel put into planning and it was well worth it. Tonight would be one for the books. As I made small adjustments to the décor and the food, I noticed Emily awkwardly standing close to me. "Um…" she said. "I think I'm going to stay home tonight."

My eyebrows drew in confusion as I glanced back at her. "What do you mean?"

"Well, these are your friends, you know? It would be kind of weird…"

"Em, you've known the twins for years. They know you. They kind of expect you to be there."

"Yeah, but they only kind of know me. They know me as your cousin, not as…me."

I shrugged as I turned to her, "What better way to get to know people than at a party?"

Emily rolled her eyes, a flash of irritation crossing her face, "I just don't want to go, ok?" she said. "So I'm not going to go."

I huffed as I walked to the stage to check Rachel's final list. "Whatever, Emily. Do what you want," I rolled my eyes before muttering, "like you always do…"

XXXXXXXXX

It was like being in a dressing room with your unsatisfied mother, getting ready in front of Emily. I had three black dresses picked out for the night. One was a black satin dress with spaghetti straps, a wrap closure, and a deep neckline, one was a black strapless bodycon dress, and one was a tight black lace dress with a low back. Every dress I tried on, Emily let out a displeased noise before turning back to her book. I had to push past my insecurities to make a decision. I chose the lace dress; it made me feel the most confident. If I let her get in my head, I'd be going in sweats and Rachel would kill me if I was in anything less than "cocktail formal."

Then it was my makeup. I sat on the floor in front of my mirror and did my makeup quietly. Halfway through, Emily asked, "Are you really going to put all of that on? It feels like a little much."

And then it was my hair. I wanted curls. Emily wanted…something else. "I kind of thought it would be cuter up…or like half-down or something."

Whatever. I left my room without a word, my heels in hand. I said goodbye to my parents before I started to walk to the Blacks' house. About halfway there, I stopped in my tracks and turned to Paul's house. There was a small light illuminating the window in the living room. He was home. I bounced up his porch stairs and tentatively knocked twice before waiting. It almost felt like I waited too long. I could hear his heavy footfalls on the hardwood floor before the door opened just a crack and Paul's face appeared. It was hard at first but his eyes softened when he saw it was me. "Lee," he breathed in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"I just wanted to check on you. You haven't been around all day," I smiled at him.

He opened the door just wide enough to step through it. He closed it tight behind him and crossed his arms. "Yeah, I just had to take care of some stuff. Sorry about that," he said. He looked me up and down before a wide grin spread across his face. "Goddamn, Clearwater."

"Do you like it?" I asked, doing a little spin.

"You look hot," he chuckled. "You'll crush it tonight."

I looked down at myself before looking at Paul, dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. "So why aren't you dressed then?"

He sighed, "I'm, uh…still taking care of things right now," he told me, "but I'll be there in an hour, I promise."

I could tell that he was lying but I didn't want to call him out on it. Paul looked like he was under an insane amount of stress, but that didn't make sense. Usually when his parents went on a bender, he was at his happiest and most carefree. He didn't have to watch over his shoulder all the time, he didn't care about staying out super late and still being able to sleep in his own bed. But, right now, I could practically see all of the tension building in his shoulders, but if he didn't want to tell me the truth then I couldn't force him. "You know, Rachel will kill you if you don't show up," I told him instead of asking him what he was hiding.

He chuckled and nodded, "You're absolutely right."

"Plus…I want you there too," I said quietly. "We can have a drink or a dance or something."

"We can definitely have a drink or a dance or…something," he gave me a small smirk as the word seemed to linger in the air.

I pushed his shoulder playfully before turning around to head to the twins' house. "I'm holding you to that," I called as I walked away.

Imagine my lack of surprise when he didn't show up in an hour like he said. Or in two hours. Or three. The party was in full swing and I had had too many drinks to make good decisions. Bex and Rachel looked gorgeous in their similar black dresses. And one of the cheerleaders from school made it her job to light the candles and start the happy birthday song. I took another shot as they blew out their candles for their 18th birthday. I put my shot cup down and picked up my camera right as the last candle was being blown out. The twins were illumed in the candle's light and I hoped to God that I got the shot.

Tonight was all about my girls and I loved that. Everyone came out for the Black party; it was like the social event of the year, every year. Rachel says that she works on the guest list, but it always ends up bigger than any of us plan. More people from school than invited end up coming. Some kids from Forks and Port Angeles even show up. Who knows why they're there or how they found out about our little get together? The absences of Sam, Paul, and Jared were still all too noticeable though.

I was trying my hardest to swallow my conflicting feelings about my life while the party was going. But as the drinks were flowing, my mind was gone. Trying to figure out how to make the rest of this semester with Emily as smooth as possible. Deciding what to do or what not to do about Sam. Debating whether or not to go pounding on Paul's door and either demand he tell me what's wrong or plant a giant kiss on his face.

Actually…that last one sounded pretty fucking good right now. It was nearing about 11 and, as I took another shot of rum, I knew that that was the last of the liquid courage I needed. I kicked my shoes off and once again, made the long trek down the hill toward the neighborhood. I was gonna do it. I was going to demand that he tell me why he wasn't around all day. Why he skipped the party. Why he wouldn't let me inside earlier. I needed to know.

Well…I don't know if it was me that needed to know so badly. I think it was the liquor. Yeah…it was definitely the liquor. Drunk Leah is mad aggressive. There was a sober part of my mind that was trying to convince me to turn around and go back to the party. Because Paul wasn't mine, he didn't owe me any explanation. I think I just wanted to know because he'd always been there for me when I needed him. I wanted to be there for him too.

He looked surprised when he realized I was at his door for the second time that night. I had never been at his house this many times, like ever. But I sobered up as soon as I saw his face. His eyes were bloodshot red as if he had been crying, his nose completely pink and swollen. The bleariness from the alcohol completely vanished and I was standing straighter than ever before. "What's up, Lee?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"I…I wanted to check on you," I said, hoping I wasn't slurring my words.

"I'm in the middle of something right now," he said, eyes trained on the ground.

"You promised me a drink," I told him.

"Not right now, Leah."

"Then tell me what's wrong."

"No."

"I can help you."

"I don't want your help," he told me. I could feel the pang of hurt hit me when he said that. He cringed a little before sighing. "I know you want to help, Lee, but you can't. Not with this."

I nodded, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Will you at least tell me what it is?"

Paul watched my face for a few seconds before I noticed that he started to tear up. He sniffled a little before shaking his head, but not to my question. And then a single tear fell from his face, right in between us, onto the worn-down wood of the porch. Then he pushed the door open with his back and gestured for me to come in. Timidly, I stepped into his home and gasped at what I saw. It was bare.

Everything was gone. The couch, the tv, every table, every shelf. Gone. There was a single lamp sitting in the middle of the living room, lighting a ring on the ceiling. Right next to the note was a single piece of paper that had been haphazardly folded up a few times. I couldn't stop staring. Paul's warm body was standing so close to me as I took everything in. "They left…" he whispered. He sniffled again as he walked around me and swept up the note from the ground.

When he handed it to me, it read,

You'll be happier with your new family. You probably already are.

And that's it. "How bout that drink?" he said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked into the kitchen. Right under the sink, left hand side. The infamous liquor cabinet. He slammed a bottle of rum down a little too hard before he brought down two plastic cups and poured some into both. "The only bottle they left behind," he kind of muttered to himself.

"They took everything?" I asked.

He snorted, "No." He handed me a cup before gulping his down. He gestured to the room with the drink in his hand and said, "I've been selling all of their shit. They stole one of my money stashes."

"How much did they take?"

He clenched his jaw. "About $300."

"And how much did you make today?"

"Not even half that."

I reached out to hug him and felt his body stiffen at the contact. Then he sighed and wrapped an arm around my lower back. I felt him bury his nose in my hair as I could hear his breath laboring. He was trying not to cry. With every second he was holding back tears, I could feel his fingers dig into my waist a little more. I didn't mind it. "You don't need them," I said in his ear. "You have family who will always take care of you."

He shook his head before lifting it to look at me, "As much as I appreciate Harry and Sue, I don't really want them to know about this."

"I wasn't talking about my parents," I told him, reaching up to wipe a stray tear from his cheek. My hand rested on his face as he closed his eyes for a moment. I glanced behind me at the empty room and my heart broke a little. So many painful memories were trapped in these walls. There were so many rumors that circulated around the Rez over the years. I never knew which were true and which weren't. But, even then, there was no telling what people didn't know. There was no way to know everything that happened in this house. I felt it in my body that I needed to make this better for him. But how? "I'll be right back. Stay here."

There was only one way I knew to make this better. I, at least, had to try. I needed to round everyone up and help him to forget his pain as much as possible. Fortunately enough, we've all always known the power of the all-call. As soon as I called the twins to tell them to meet me at Paul's, they were geared up to leave their own party to help out a friend. I ran to the Camerons' house to find Jared. He had been MIA for a couple of weeks, but I had to try. I remember overhearing Dad say that Jared had started running around with Sam during school hours.

Knocking on their front door, I was immediately hit with the regret that I was still absolutely drunk and about to be face-to-face with a parent who was good friends with my parents. I shook out my nerves as Pam Cameron answered the door. I smiled bright and spoke as clearly as possible, "Hi Mrs. Cameron, is Jared home?"

She told me that he didn't spend a lot of time at home and when he did, he was most likely sleeping. Instead of turning me away, like I thought she would, she let me in and told me his room was all the way in the back (as if I already didn't know that). I was aware of my bare feet on their floor as I walked down the long hallway toward the door. When I threw it open, I saw a man that I hardly recognized. If I hadn't looked at Jared's face first, I would think he was a complete stranger. He had shot up like 10 inches, leaving half of his legs and his arms hanging off the bed. He was lying on his stomach with his mouth open. It was like he had aged 10 years overnight.

"Jared?" I called. I reached over and touched his shoulder, immediately recoiling at how hot his skin was. "Jared!" I called again, shaking the bed. I had to bang on the wall a couple of times before his eyes popped open. He sprang up from the bed and crouched in what I only assumed was a defensive position. I put my hands up in surrender and backed up.

When he realized it was only me, he sighed in relief and stood up straight. "Oh, Lee, it's only you. What are you doing here?"

"Get dressed. We gotta go," I said.

He reached up to scratch the back of his head, these new unfamiliar muscles flexing and unflexing. "I can't, Lee. I'm really tired an—"

"Jared, Paul needs us," I interrupted, a stern look on my face. His eyes widened before he nodded, instantly throwing on a shirt and following me out the door. "Do you know where Sam is?" I asked when we got outside.

"He's…" Jared paused for a second, "he's at home." Jared sounded a little surprised as he said it. He muttered something else but the only word I caught was 'alone,' and I didn't bother to ask him to speak up. It wasn't important. I could see Sam's house from the road and, as we got closer, the man himself, Samuel Uley stepped out as if he had been expecting us. He glanced at Jared very seriously before looking at me. He looked guilty about something but didn't open his mouth to speak until we were right in front of him.

"Is everything alright?" he asked.

I spoke, "Paul's parents left."

"They always leave," Sam pointed out.

I rolled my eyes, irritated. "They left for good this time. He needs his friends right now. He needs you guys." Sam hesitated for a second, glancing around as if this wasn't serious. I shook my head, "Look…if that's your brother like you've claimed he is all these years, you'll show up and be there for him. I'm not going to beg you though; that's ridiculous"

I pivoted on my feet and stormed back to Paul's, Jared a few paces behind me. When I got there, Rachel and Bex were standing on the porch, Bex with a couple of bottles of wine in one hand and their shoes in the other, and Rachel holding the cut cake in hers. "We came as soon as we could!" Rachel called. "Sorry if we took too long."

"Nope, perfect timing," I told them. "Let's make this boy as happy as possible."

I didn't miss the look on Bex's face that said, "Ooh, girl, you got it bad," as we walked in.

XXXXXXXXX

Who was surprised that Sam didn't show up that night? Not me. And as we all sat around in a circle in the living room, I could see the stress melt away from Paul's face with every belly laugh. Every once and a while, he'd take a look around the empty room before looking at all of us and then relax. Rachel and Rebecca gathered up all of the sheets, blankets, and pillows in the house and made a huge palette in the middle of the floor. We had a bunch of snacks around us and a movie playing on one of our laptops a few feet away.

"Do you remember trying to kiss all three of us in Kindergarten?" Rachel asked Paul, giggling. "We ran around the playground all of recess until we all slid into that mud pile."

Paul grimaced a little at the memory before chuckling to himself.

"Well, it took him about 10 years, but he successfully kissed two out of the three of us," I pointed out, nudging Bex with my elbow.

"So, I guess the question is, who was the better kisser? Leah or Becca?" Jared asked, smirking.

Rachel and Jared laughed as the three of us took long sips from our cups. "I plead the fifth," Paul finally answered.

"It's alright. I already know the answer," Jared joked.

"I think we all do," Bex sing-songed before picking up the empty chip bowl next to her. "I'll go get more snacks."

"I'll help you," Rach said, standing up.

Jared got up to use the bathroom, then it was just the two of us. I pushed myself until my back was against the wall and I twiddled my thumbs. Paul scooted until he was next to me and placed his hand over mine. I looked at our hands before glancing at him. "Thank you, Lee," he said.

"For what?"

"For this," he said, waving his hands to the room. "You didn't have to do this."

I shrugged, "Well, I can't replace the money you lost, but the least I can do is remind you that we'll always be here for you, no matter what."

He smiled a little before leaning in and placing a tender kiss on my cheek. Stop. That moment right there changed almost everything. That kiss on the cheek meant so many things to me. It told me that, not only did he care about me, but he would allow me to take care of him when he needed it. It told me that he was content being my friend or anything else, if that's what we chose. It just poured into me all of the love and appreciation that he was holding in his body.

Everything just stood still for that moment.

Rachel cleared her throat. "Alright, kids, we better get going. The sun is coming up," she declared.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be hungover in a few hours and I'd prefer to be in my own bed when that happens," Bex chimed in. They made their way to the front door. "I'll call you tomorrow, Lee."

Jared seemed to be in a rush to leave too. "I gotta head out too. I have patr—uh, I have an appointment in the morning. See ya!"

Paul grunted as he stood up, holding his hand out to help me up. I grabbed it, feeling his warmth in my hand and we slowly made our way to the door. I couldn't help but notice that we were still holding onto each other's fingers, unwilling to let go. "You should get some rest," he said. He turned the knob of the front door before letting go of my hand. "Isn't Seth's first baseball game today?"

I palmed my forehead, "I completely forgot about that. Mom and Dad will kill me if I skip it." The sun was starting to rise. Time flies when you're having fun, I guess. "Alright, I'll see you later, then."

As I turned to leave, Paul grabbed my wrist softly. "Wait, Lee…before you go…" he stopped. He studied my face, which no doubt was probably a wreck. "Tell me a secret."

I giggled. "What?" 'Tell me a secret' was something we used to do when we were younger. As kids, it was always silly things like stealing candy from the candy drawer or wearing the same underwear two days in a row. As we got older, it was more like who we had a crush on or me sneaking my mom's lipstick to class in middle school. It was a game. We hadn't played it in years.

"Tell me a secret," he repeated.

I bit my lip as I looked at his amused face. He had small bags under his eyes; he was tired. I cleared my throat, butterflies fluttering in my stomach. "I was really looking forward to that dance tonight," I said honestly. He nodded, making a small 'hm' sound. "Your turn."

His thumb started to stroke my wrist, back and forth. "You look really beautiful tonight."

"Is that a secret?"

"Nah, not really," he chuckled. "Anyone who saw you tonight knows it. But, in case no one told you that, it'll be my secret this round."

I nodded my head and gave him a small smile. As I turned to head home, I could feel his eyes on me until I heard his door click behind me.

XXXXXXXXX

You ever come down from being drunk way too fast while you're still awake? I had dropped on the couch and it felt like I closed my eyes for five seconds before Seth was shaking me to wake up so I could get dressed for the game. I didn't even shower; I literally haphazardly wiped the makeup off of my face, threw my rat's nest hair in a bun on top of my head, and tossed on a pair of jeans and a tank top before running out of the house with my family. The music was too loud, the sun was too bright even with sunglasses on, and people cheering was like an ear-splitting experience.

"Too much fun last night?" my dad asked, bumping my shoulder. "I don't think I've ever seen you so pale."

"I never know if you asking me about parties is a trap or not," I told him, rubbing my temples.

He chuckled, "It's not a trap. It's just a question. Em stayed home too. I'm assuming she's just as hungover as you."

I turned to him and lifted my sunglasses, almost immediately regretting it. Someone, please turn down the sun. "Emily didn't go to the black party last night."

He cocked his head to the side. "Are you sure? She was out all night. I heard her come back at around 2 in the morning."

I blinked at him in confusion. Emily's not from around here. Where else would she have gone, if not with me? She doesn't know anyone enough to hang out on her own. "Yeah, I'm sure…" I answered my dad before lowering my sunglasses. He shrugged before turning his attention back to the game.

Here's where things get juicy. And by juicy, I mean really, really complicated. Seth crushed his first game. The La Push Wolves won 4 to 1. And to celebrate, Mom and Dad took Seth out for ice cream. If I would have had even a lick, I would have vomited. So, they dropped me off at home before heading to the diner. As soon as I walked in the door, I noticed something was off. It was too quiet, too still.

Then I heard it. The most delicate moan assaulted my ears. Maybe it was just a one-off, I thought. Wrong. Then I heard a very familiar gruff groan a second later. No way…there was no way. I strained my ears to listen more and picked up the squeaking of a bed frame. I heard a gasp and an "Oh my god."

Walking up a single stair took off a year of my life. By the time I got to the top of the stairs, my heart was beating so fast, I thought it would burst out of my chest. The door was cracked, because of course it was. They were lying on top of my favorite duvet. I watched as her ballet slipper pink fingernails scratched down his glistening back. I watched her body arch off of my bed as he thrust inside of her. I caught every glimpse of their bodies as they completely wrecked my safe space. "You feel so good, Em," he grunted, kissing her neck.

"Keep going…" she whispered.

I watched for too long. He ravished her the same way he ravished me. Except…with her, it looked like he loved it way more. He was so gentle with her, as if he already knew every inch of her body. And there was this moment where I felt like I was intruding on a special moment. Like I was invading their privacy. And I was. Just like they were invading mine. My boyfriend and my cousin. Together.

In my head, I imagine I would have been frozen to that spot for a lot longer than I was if my phone hadn't started ringing. The ringtone was so quiet, almost impossible to hear over the moans and skin slapping, but it was enough for Sam's head to whip toward the door. Our eyes met and widened at the same time. "Oh shit!" he exclaimed, throwing himself backward off of her. I whirled around and ran back down the stairs. "Leah, wait!"

"Oh no," Emily said, panicked. "No, no, no."

I couldn't even get to the door fast enough. As soon as I was close enough, Sam blurred in front of me, one hand stretched out to me, the other barricading the door. "Leah, please stop," he begged.

"Get out of my way, Sam," I said calmly. My phone was still ringing in my pocket and my head was still pounding, but all of that didn't matter.

"Lee Lee, it's not what it looks like, I promise," he said, reaching for me. I backed away from him, shaking my head. Not what it looks like? I glanced down at his boxer brief clad groin and…he was still hard. And the front of his briefs were wet, no doubt from being inside of my cousin's vagina. Sam followed my eyes down before covering his junk. "I-I'm so sorry."

"You're sorry?" I repeated, incredulously. "You're fucking my cousin in my house, in my bed, and all you can say is that you're sorry? You're a sorry sack of shit. That sounds more accurate."

I made a dash for the back door when I heard Emily call out to me. "Leah, don't leave!" she said.

"Oh, are you sorry too?" I spat. She was standing on the stairs wearing his shirt. "There's nothing you can say. This is just…" I didn't even know how to finish that sentence. "You're screwing my cousin, Sam. What the fuck am I supposed to think about that?"

Sam started sputtering nonsense like a babbling idiot. "I-I-I came here to make sure you were both alright today and then—"

"—one thing led to another—" Emily started babbling along with him.

"—it was only this time, I promise," Sam said, his voice completely spooked.

I kept my eyes fixed on the ceiling as I chewed on my bottom lip. The words were piling up in my throat. They were practically billowing. Begging to be released from my mouth. But instead of letting all of it out, I managed to ask, "So where were you both last night then?" All I needed to see was the color completely wash from Emily's face to know. A small laugh escaped my mouth. "You guys must love that you made me look so stupid. Smiling in my face, disappearing at weird hours, lying to me at every chance you got."

"We didn't lie!" Emily tried.

"Bullshit!" I yelled. "You can't even admit that you've been lying; that's how full of it you are!"

"Well what about you, huh? You haven't exactly been honest lately," Sam spoke up. I raised an eyebrow at him. He glared at me with pure venom. "Don't act confused. I see the way you look at Paul."

"Don't bring Paul into this," I warned him. "He has nothing to do this."

"How doesn't he?"

"Because I'm not fucking him!" I shouted. "Classic Sam. You can never take responsibility for any of your shitty actions. You grasp at anything to blame me for and you shift all of the attention from you to me! You've done it for years! Every single time I'm upset, you find a way to flip it and I end up apologizing to you! And for what? What have I done to you? What about me is so bad that you, not only fucked my sister, but you couldn't even try to hide the fact that you have clearly wanted her for weeks.

"But since you want to bring Paul into this? Fine, we can. If you actually gave a shit about someone other than yourself, you would know that his dad started beating him again, which is why he had to move in with us again. Or you would know that he was so distraught over Randall and Diana leaving that he cried by himself in his empty house because he had to sell all of their furniture just to have some extra money. But you didn't know that, did you? Because you don't care! You don't care about Paul, you don't care about me, you probably don't even care about Emily! You just wanted to get into her pants!"

"You don't know anything about how I feel about Emily!" Sam roared. His whole body began to vibrate. We stared each other down, neither of us daring to blink. "You have no idea what I've been through."

"I don't know because you don't let me know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she's giving you something I couldn't. Maybe she's worth you losing someone who's always been in your corner," I said. I shook my head and blew out a breath. "I hope it was worth it. I really do."

I left out of the back door and didn't look back. Not at the call of my name. Not at the loud roar or the sound of wood splintering a second later. It wasn't worth it to me to look back. Just like it wasn't worth it to either of them to think about me before betraying my trust.

XXXXXXXXX

"Cinnamon Buns or Milk and Cookies?" Rachel asked, holding two Ben and Jerry's pints at me. I shook my head and buried my face in Bex's pillow. "Ice cream will make you feel better, sweetie."

I groaned, pulling the cover over my head. "What flavor makes you feel better about your long-term boyfriend sticking his penis in one of the closest things you've ever had to a sister on your bed?" I asked, wiping my wet face with the sheets.

"Vodka," Bex commented, slipping her hand under the covers. I intwined our fingers and pressed her hand against my cheek. "We should kill him."

"And burn my bedroom to the ground," I added. I sat up and pulled my legs to my chest. "I don't even know who to be mad at, him or her."

Rachel plopped next to me. "They're both to blame for this. They knew how important they were to you."

I tried to swallow the lump in my throat but couldn't. The tears came streaming down my face as I pictured them over and over again. Rachel placed her head on my shoulder as I silently sobbed into Bex's comforter. "He couldn't even say it out loud. He just kept making excuses."

"He's such an asshole," Becca muttered under her breath. "He puts you through hell with all of his shady business bullshit and then fucks Emily behind your back? What kind of person does that?"

"A confused one, maybe?" Rachel said. "I'm not excusing his behavior at all, but this is just so beyond his character, it feels like there's something bigger at play here."

"What are you saying, Ray? Emily has a magic vagina?" Bex asked, sarcastically.

"No," Rachel scoffed at her twin. "This is all just a mess."

They let me wallow. They let me mope for an unreasonable amount of time. I ended up downing an entire pint of Cinnamon Buns ice cream while the girls watched Practical Magic on the floor in front of me. "Ooh, we could curse him," Bex joked halfway through.

"Or we could make Leah perform the perfect man spell," Rach giggled.

I didn't even bother chiming in. I was too busy deleting pictures of me and Sam from my phone. My mind was too occupied trying to convince myself that today was not a dream; this was my real life. It almost felt poetic in a way. Emily was probably everything that Sam needed, and I could be free to do what I felt in my heart that I needed to do. I really wanted to get out of La Push. I wanted something more than this place. Maybe…maybe this was the universe's way of telling me to go.

My phone dinged. The message popped up from Paul, Hey, you alright? I came by and the back door was busted.

I didn't answer. I didn't know how to. Telling him that Sam cheated on me with Emily wasn't something I wanted to tell anyone over text. So I just stared at his text for another five minutes before turning my phone off and slipping it under the pillow.

Around 11 o'clock, I found myself still wide awake and just staring at Bex's Chris Hemsworth Sexiest Man Alive poster. Chris Hemsworth would never. He would never fuck his wife's cousin behind her back. Nope, not Thor. You know who else wouldn't do that? Paul. Paul wouldn't even think to ever do that. He was too good.

He was so good to me. And I know I didn't make it easy. I know I probably confused him with being around him all the time, being affectionate, but just distant enough for him to know that I wasn't ready yet. Was I ready now though? No…no way. Paul wasn't a rebound guy. He was too good. He was just too good.

But, as the twins were sound asleep on the floor, I found myself needing my friend more than ever. It wouldn't be the first time we relied on each other for late night talks. I needed my friend. I needed him to help me make sense of it all. So…I stealthily crawled out of Becca's bed, grabbed a sundress from her closet—because I didn't want to bother with jeans—, and snuck past Billy's room and Jacob's room and out of the front door. It was raining that night and the cool raindrops on my face were enough to calm me down enough as I made my way down the road.

I just needed my friend.