Chapter 8

Getting Lost

When Janet had mentioned getting lost, Jack hadn't expected she meant hiking a 4-mile trail guided by an over-enthusiastic outdoorsman named Mick, who insisted that the trail he would be leading them on was only moderately difficult. But the next day, armed with their hiking gear ( – which in Jack's case included some allergy medicine and a hefty can of bear spray), and some safety tips drilled into them by Mick, the group embarked on foot as they entered the Bear Rock trail.

"Brilliant idea, Janet," Jack muttered out of the side of his mouth while the others listened intently to Mick's description of the breathtaking scenery they were about to witness, "We somehow managed to choose the one trail with a warning right in its title." Janet sighed and rolled her eyes as Jack shook his can of bear spray.

"Shh!" she warned him. "You big baby! This is supposed to be a really beautiful trail, you know. Ask Mick."

Mick wiped a tear from his eye as he briefly stopped the group to lovingly pat a pine tree. "If you listen closely," he whispered, "you can hear the singing souls of the ponderosa pines. This forest is not an inanimate body, folks. It's as alive as you and I."

The other four glanced at each other cautiously, but quickly averted their eyes when they remembered the tension that still lingered amongst them. Phillip, whose entire forehead was still encased in bandages after the baseball incident, noted his wife's hostile demeanor toward him only after they'd all arrived back at the cabin that evening. Unaware that she had learned of his secret apartment in New York, he considered talking to her until Vicky, still doting on his wounds, encouraged him to get some rest. When Janet suggested they all go hiking, something Phillip had been looking forward to the entire trip, he assumed that meant she'd be just fine.

But she wasn't fine, and Jack, bridled with a minor fear and severe allergies, was the only one who knew.

"Keep sneezing, Jack!" Mick encouraged. "Constant noise is a great way to scare off the bears. Did you know that they're more afraid of you than you are of them?"

Jack sneezed in response and they continued to make their way through very rocky terrain. He had to admit – the scenery was beautiful. From their vantage point he saw the crystal blue lake through the trees and, in the distance, heard the soft rumble of a nearby stream. There was a light breeze and the temperature was a breezy seventy degrees. He couldn't help but admit to himself that this wasn't so bad after all. Not yet, anyway.

He looked over at Janet to make a comment, but noticed her gaze, icy and expressionless, focusing firmly on her husband up ahead of them as he walked alongside Mick on his left and Vicky on his right.

"Janet," he nudged her softly out of her trance. "You okay?"

"That depends," she responded. "Does silently plotting the murder of my husband mean I'm okay?"

He frowned as he followed her gaze toward Phillip, feeling helpless. Jack wouldn't wish marital troubles on anyone, and it killed him to know that Janet's husband was the source of so much of her pain. To be perfectly honest, the first day that he met him Jack had disliked the man. He was arrogant and bossy, completely oblivious to the needs of his wife or anyone else but himself, but the thing he hated most about him was what were supposed to be his positive qualities – his awkward sense of humor, his over enthusiastic way of approaching everything that sucked the life right out of it. He wished he could suck the life right out of him.

But he remained silent. He always remained silent. If Phillip made Janet happy, he remembered thinking when she'd first met him, then it was out of his hands. He could only put on a happy face for her and encourage their union.

But he didn't seem to be making her happy anymore.

Before long, the trail quickly grew much steeper and the group found themselves breathing heavier as they made their way through a mass of gently stacked boulders, worn from the treks of hiker's past. Mick did most of the talking, focusing less and less on the details of the topography around them and more and more on the tale of an old prospector named Beauregard "Stiff Neck" Blackwell.

"Legend has it," Mick began, eyes glassed over, as if in another time and place entirely, "that old Blackwell knew the best location to strike gold in Big Bear Lake, having happened upon it once by chance in a rainstorm. But before he could note his surroundings, he came face to face with the largest grizzly bear these parts had ever seen. He barely escaped with his life that first trek, and he returned dozens of times to try and find the that fated gold. But he was stopped by the bear he named Old Sally every single time. One of those times he confronted the bear directly, and she responded by throwing him clear over a steep cliff, leaving him with his famed stiff neck. He only tried once more to find that gold...years later, after entering his twilight years, when he insisted on finding the gold or die trying. Can anybody guess how that turned out for old Blackwell?

Everyone stared at Mick for a moment, unsure of how to respond.

"H-he died trying?" Jack guessed cautiously.

Mick confirmed Jack's guess only by continuing his bizarre story. "Some say that Old Sally still lives on, guarding Blackwell's lost gold while the old man's spirit wanders through the San Bernardino forest, forever searching in vain."

"Jack where are you going?" Vicky asked, noting that he had made a sudden turn and began making a b-line in the direction from which they'd come.

"Getting the hell out of here," he miraculously clamored through the rocks without managing to trip. Janet grabbed his arm to stop him. She shook her head silently and he reluctantly lamented.

The forest grew dense, and it became clear to the group how easily it would to become lost without an expert like Mick to guide them. Unfortunately, if they left their eyes off of the absentminded guide for even a moment, that was exactly what would happen. Naturally, Janet had considered this. She was no hiking novice herself, having gone on dozens of trips with her family as a kid, so she wasn't terribly concerned. She had a map that she had stayed up studying diligently, a last-ditch effort plan, and a determination fueled by sheer force of rage and the fire of a woman scorned.

And she had Jack. Sniffling, sneezing, nature averse Jack.

As Mick began to show the others how to mimic the mating call of the Pacific Loon (a venture in which Phillip was all too happy to partake), she quietly pulled Jack aside.

"We're going to get lost," she whispered.

"I – what?" Jack whispered back.

"When the others aren't looking, we are going to take an alternate trail and get lost. But not really though, because I know where I'm going. Make sense?"

"What, no, Janet, no that does not make sense. There are bears and-and-and old prospector's ghosts out there we can't – "

She sighed as she pulled out her map. "Do you trust me?"

"Janet, this is crazy."

"Look, Jack, it's not really getting lost. Not if we know where we're going and not if we stay close to the trail. I just...well, you know, want them to panic a little."

Jack's eyes gazed at Janet with something near pity. He was sure that by now they had both realized their efforts to reach their significant others had been in vain, especially after Janet's tearful laments the evening before. But he also knew that she was strong-willed and stubborn, and she never gave up without a fight. And he also knew himself, and how when it came to Janet, wherever she led he'd follow.

Without saying a word, Jack ventured off the trail as Phillip continued to mimic the call of the Pacific loon some feet ahead of them.

"Jack, what are you doing?" Janet asked.

"I'm getting lost."

"No, not that way," she gave one last quick glance at her husband. "This way."

...

They immediately got lost.

Both of them poured over the map, turning it left, then right, then left again, looking for sign posts or indications of landmarks, but nothing seemed to make sense. They had resigned to simply walking forward to avoid making confusing turn, but doing so proved impossible with the make-up of the rocky land and forest that enveloped them. Janet turned once more to the map, with one last feeble attempt to make some sense of it.

"I just don't understand. I studied this map for hours. The lake should be to our right and...oh no."

"Oh no? What oh no?" Jack said with rising panic in his voice.

Janet folded up the map and placed it behind her back. "Nothing. We don't...we don't need this anymore. Obviously it's not doing us any good so I'll just put it back in my bag and – "

"Wait a minute. Give me that," Jack said, sliding the map out of her hands. His eyes scanned the large piece of paper until it landed at the top. "Pine Crest. This is a map of the Pine Crest trail. Janet this is the map of an entirely differently trail."

She winced, afraid to take full responsibility for her error. "I could've sworn – "

Before she could finish, Jack spoke. "We're going to die. We're going to die out here."

"Jack..."

"The bear and/or the ghost man are going to find us and –"

"Jack."

"...tear apart our bodies limb from limb, and that's if we're lucky, and –"

"Jack!" He stopped at looked back at her. "I need you to just...just calm down for one second so I can think. Hey, listen, we didn't even really venture all that far from the trail, really. I'm sure they've already noticed we're missing and by now they've sent an entire search party out to find us. We have plenty of food and water and...and bear spray. We'll be fine. I promise."

Jack sighed. Somehow she made it so easy to believe her, even if he was certain that they were doomed. A part of him wanted to scream at her for dragging him into this, for making him going along with her hairbrained ideas, but there was another part entirely that felt relieved to be here with her instead of within the radius of the others, who had managed to enrage him more in a short time than Janet ever had in the nearly ten years he'd known her. He slumped down onto a boulder and ran his hands through his hair in exasperation. "So what do we do now?"

She shrugged. "I guess we wait."

...

It wasn't dark yet, but it wasn't long before the first stars began to rear their heads in the vast sky above Big Bear Lake and its surrounding forest. Janet and Jack hadn't said much to one another in the not so silent silence that came with the night. Without the distraction of schemes and plots, something unacknowledged between them began looking for the opportunity to rear its head.

They both looked down and twiddled their fingers before deciding it was time to set up some semblance of a camp. Janet had ensured that they packed enough to survive at least a week – not because she had intended on staying that long, but merely because she was being diligent about hiking preparedness.

Sleeping bags were rolled out, but she also made sure to pack an additional space blanket, flashlights, and a first-aid kit. Jack sat stunned as she continued pulling items, including an entire compact foldable tent, out of her backpack.

"Good Lord. What else have you got in there, Mary Poppins, a three-ring circus?"

Janet rolled her eyes. "Are you complaining that I was prepared?"

"Well I'm sorry, but I wasn't exactly expecting to get stranded in the California wilderness today."

"Shut up and help me set up this tent."

He reluctantly obliged, and soon they had set up a nice little camp for themselves, even if Jack did begin to assume that with each extra second they spent alone in those woods, they were inching closer to their last.

Suddenly, the sound of a branch gently cracking in the distance caused Jack to stand up in a start, and he sprayed the bear spray (that he'd held protectively in his hands since the moment they set food on the trail) reflexively. Unfortunately, the can had been turned toward his face, and its contents were sprayed directly into his eyes. He shrieked loudly.

Before he could react any further, Janet was by his side, sitting him back down and kneeling beside him as she poured the contents of one of the many water canteens she'd packed onto a tissue and began dabbing his eyes with it.

"Janet, I can't see! I'm blind, Janet!" he cried.

She continued softly dabbing his eyes and shook her head calmly. "You are not blind, Jack. Now just sit still for minute."

He slowly began to relax to her touch, relishing in it as her hands softly brushed up against his cheeks. She was so close that he could hear her soft breathing, and something about the gentle repetition of the sound caused him to relax. Soon his vision became clearer and he finally turned to look at her and smiled widely. She looked up and smiled at him in return. "What?" she asked.

"Nothing, it's just..." Her eyes questioned him, even as the smile remained on her face. "I guess it's been awhile since we've been this close."

Janet rolled her eyes. "That's not exactly my fault you know."

"No I mean...like this," he said softly as he gently took her hands in his and began gently caressed her palms with his thumbs.

"Oh..." she answered delicately and squeezed his hands in return without looking back at him.

A lump began to form in Jack's throat and he pulled away from her before he did something stupid. He turned away and stared off into the endless forest, his right arm raised to massage the back of his neck as he tried to find words for the thoughts that were forming in his mind. The shock of sharing a kiss with Janet the day before for the first time in so long had sent his mind swirling, and he hadn't been able to get it out of his head since. It shouldn't have mattered. They used to pull moves like that all the time when they lived together – but they were playing. It never meant anything. And yet it must have meant enough that he couldn't stand it when he could no longer touch her when Phillip stepped into her life. And it must've meant enough that even one passing moment, one little kiss, was weighing so heavily on him now. He finally turned back around and returned his focus toward her.

"Jack, honey? Are you alright?"

"Um. What time is it?"

"Nearly 7:00. Why?"

"I think it's time for bed. Goodnight." He dove into the small tent head first and wrapped himself up to and over his head into one of the sleeping bags they'd placed inside.

"Jack!" She groaned and followed him inside. "Jack, what on earth is wrong with you?" She tapped on the sleeping bag underneath which she presumed his shoulder rested. He pulled away in his dramatic Jack Tripper fashion and she shook her head, looked up, and sighed. Instead of prodding him any further she decided to roll herself up in her own sleeping bag. They lay like that for some hours, facing away from one another, neither able to sleep at such an early time of night. Jack tossed and turned obnoxiously, at one point nearly landing on top of her in the pitch darkness of the tent. Finally, having grown completely fed up, she flicked on her flashlight and shined it directly into his still tender eyes, causing him to scream in pain.

"Say something, will you! Say that you're enraged at me over this entire trip and for my scheming and for getting us lost in the wilderness. Say that it's all my fault, but just say something. You're driving me crazy!"

He took a moment to regain his composure and lifted himself halfway, resting on his arms. "Fine, I'll talk. I'll talk," he muttered, still rubbing his eyes. He took a breath, looked over at Janet, and sidled a little closer to her. "It's just...this is the first time that we've spent any length of time together in over a year. You know, since – "

It took her a moment, but eventually she was able to read him. "Since I got married..." She was slowly beginning to understand, and she wished she hadn't just prodded him.

"Yeah. And um..." he shrugged, clearing his throat. "You're right. You do deserve an explanation. You deserve some peace of mind after the way this entire trip has treated you. This isn't your fault, Janet. And if Phillip isn't going to move an inch for you, then the least I can do is tell you why I've avoided you for the past year."

Her heart sunk as she processed his words. A part of her didn't want him to continue. A part of her wanted to be left in the dark because it was safer that way, even if she desperately longed for answers. Intimacy with Jack had always been an enigma, something that was too taboo for them to put into words. So they didn't. If they didn't say anything, if not a word was spoken about the matter, then the way she felt whenever he'd knot his fingers through hers or the way her heart would beat faster each and every of the many times he kissed her over those seven years didn't mean anything. It was as if everything could be cancelled out that way.

"Look, Jack, before you say anything – "

"No, Janet. You asked and now I think it's time I finally say something. For once. Because the truth is I didn't come on this trip for Vicky. I came because I wanted to spend time with you one more time before you...before you move away forever." He was looking at her now, and she could see the sadness forming in his eyes. Or maybe it had been there the entire time and she was only now beginning to notice. He sighed. "It's over with Vicky. It's been over for a long time. I'm just afraid...I mean, her father owns my restaurant I..."

Janet didn't know which piece of Jack's words to unpack first – the fact that he no longer saw a future with Vicky, how the only reason he stayed with her lay in the restaurant's connection to her father...but most of all how he had come here, had done all of this, for her. So instead of addressing that, she took what she felt was the easiest piece and tackled that first. "But what about the way you were acting yesterday? I thought everything was fine between you two now."

He shook his head. "Maybe I just wanted it to be. But you were right, she never did mention anything about the restaurant. I mean, can an apology really mean anything if she doesn't really understand why this is hurting me to begin with?"

Janet softly patted his knee to comfort him, but her own thoughts were reeling as well. She knew that Jack was hurting, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pinpoint exactly why. It was clear that he was still upset about the other night at the restaurant and that the entire subject left him with a hopeless dejection. But it didn't explain everything. He was stalling, and now she was letting him.

"Janet..." he continued slowly. "It's just...it's weird not being able to hold your hand anymore. I – we – you and I were always so..." he stuttered and pinched the bridge of his nose softly before pulling away. "When you met Phillip, I didn't know how I was supposed to act anymore. The entire dynamic just completely changed – just like that. I was afraid of that change. I didn't want anything to change, so I guess I panicked and avoided you altogether. It was a cowardly thing to do Janet and I can't blame it on the restaurant and I can't blame it on Vicky or her father. It was all me and I'm sorry I'm –"

He partially covered his face in his hands, his eyes downcast and mindlessly playing with the tag on the sleeping bag. Taking in his words and noting the hurt in his face, she absorbed every ounce of his pain, could truly feel it down to the tips of her fingers and toes. She swallowed and, without allowing herself a moment to second guess, gently slipped her hand into his. He looked at their hands questioningly, but after a moment his expression faded into a soft, sad grin as he returned her gaze.

"Are you cold?" she asked, her expression unwavering, concealing anything she was actually feeling, and unable to directly respond to anything he'd actually said. "I'm starting to feel a little chilly."

He responded by grabbing the space blanket with his free hand and they gently wrapped it around the both of them. Without a second thought, she lowered her head onto his shoulders and rested it in the crook of his neck. He had no idea what she was thinking, but at the same time he sensed her silently understanding and feeling everything he said. It was evident in the way she didn't berate him or scold him for his explanation. Janet was often funny that way. When it came to her true feelings everything she said, she said without words. He should know. He was the same way.

They didn't say more after that, but he longed to tell her more. He longed to tell her that he hated Phillip from the moment he met him, that he'd counted on their relationship ending before it got serious, that when it didn't instead of telling her that he was insanely jealous, he poured all of his energy into a woman he didn't really love. He longed to ask her why she ran off with this man so quickly when he was so sure that Janet and himself, that they'd be together forever, without any effort at all – with the continued silence in which they'd always found themselves wallowing.

Deep down he knew the answer. He knew it was because he'd never been able to build up the courage to tell her.

"Janet, I – " he began to whisper, but before he could finish he noticed her soft, slow breathing, indicating that she was asleep.