Jim walks numbly down the corridor. He has no idea where he's going, he just knows he can't stay in a place he shared with Leonard. There are enough ghosts haunting him, he doesn't need his husband to be another one. There's no attention paid to the looks of confusion or pity the crewmen wear as he wanders on autopilot, but he knows they're there. He can feel the sympathy pouring off of them in never ending waves that threaten to drown Jim. They all want something from him- to ease his pain, to offer comfort in bid to obtain it for themselves. Jim has nothing left to give them, to give anyone.
He's angry. How dare Leonard see fit to leave him in this world alone? What is there every morning, if not Leonard? Jim's a ship without a course and no stars to navigate by now. The anger turns to shame which explodes in him with enough power to replace the warp core. Leonard's dead and all he can think about is how it effects him, how his world has just blinked out of existence. All the regrets he's spent his life ignoring because there was still time to make it right pile up around him.
What's he going to say to Joanna? Jim made her promises too. Who's going to walk her down the aisle one day? The anger's back because god damn it, that should be Leonard. Something so simple and universally trivial yet it carves out a deep cavernous ache within Jim. He can picture the moment so clearly. Joanna will look radiant in her dress, simple but flattering as it defines and highlights every curve that reminds them all she is a woman now. She'll be calm, cool and poised with that steely McCoy determination that this is the exact path she should be on. Leonard will be- he would have been, nervous; constantly fiddling with his cufflinks to hide the fact that the surgeon's steady hands were shaking. He'd be proud and happy for her but inside he'd be worrying that now someone else will be responsible for protecting his little girl and would they make her happy the rest of her days.
Joanna wouldn't notice it, but Jim would. He would have had to place his hands on Leonard's tense shoulders and remind him to breathe and enjoy the moment. He'd kiss the back of Leonard's neck and whisper, "It will all work out." Because it has to work out for someone. Jim would straighten Leonard's tie and give him a gentle shove in the back when the music started to play and he didn't immediately take his first step forward to walk her down the aisle. Then Jim would stand there at the back of the venue as Leonard gave Joanna a kiss on the cheek before letting her future spouse take her hand. He'd probably shed a single tear as the happy couple recited their heartfelt vows and when it was all over and everyone had moved outside for pictures, he'd walk over to Leonard still sitting at the front of the church and sit next to him. They'd hold hands and take a moment to picture themselves having a proper and formal wedding. Jim would mutter, "It would have been beautiful," because while he never pictured a traditional wedding, he'd be swept up in all the love and happiness of the day and Leonard looks damn good in a tux. Leonard would sigh and agree, "It would have," before Joanna walks back in to drag them out for a family picture.
Jim hadn't realized how much he was counting on this moment until now when he realizes can't have it anymore. All the simple dreams like playing with future grandchild that one assumes will come to fruition are all wiped away. Reality is a cold bitch.
He should go to sickbay. His body knows the way, it's practically ingrained in his being, but there's a body there he can't bring himself to identify; a firm prescribed dose of non-ignorable reality. He's seen Leonard righteously pissed off, overjoyed, beaten, broken and desperate. He's even seen that blissful unguarded smile that appears in the few precious moments between sleep and awake when it's just the two of them curled in bed and Leonard's forgotten the universe and its problems exist. Lifeless and free from this mortal coil can't be on that list too. Not after all the hurdles they've managed to clear thus far.
This is Jim's fault. He might not hold the rank of captain anymore but Leonard still lets him call the shots like he's in charge. Case in point, being on the Enterprise at all. If Jim hadn't pushed, Leonard would have held fast to his refusal and they'd be on the farm right now arguing about why Jim felt the need to bring ducks home or how many times Leonard has to wash the floors because Jim keeps traipsing through the house with his shoes on after rummaging around the barn and tracked mud in. Safe.
Instead Jim made the call to come, to try and reclaim something that's so clearly lost. Starfleet said he wasn't fit to make command decisions. Doctors, psychologists and even friends said his reasoning skills are impaired and clouded. And still, Leonard lets him get his way whenever possible. Jim's mistakes seem to cost more than he's willing to pay.
His arm starts to itch and ache. He promised. No giving up or easy ways out, no leaving Leonard to pick up the pieces. Leonard's not here and there's nobody else interested in Jim's pieces. Jim's bound to nothing now and free to reengage the train wreck that is his life. It's poetic, to be here on the starship where it all began and will now so tragically end. His body must sense it's its natural narrative because after wandering aimlessly for two hours, he's put himself directly in front of the lounge.
Leonard made promises too; forever, to never leave Jim alone and no matter what they will always have each other, so obviously neither one of them is very good at keeping their word. Jim doesn't even feel guilty when he finishes off his first glass of Rye and orders another one.
It's synthohol so the bartender isn't going to cut him off. And that's Jim's secret weapon. Jim's aiming to make a lot of bad decisions tonight before his curse spills out on to the crew of the Enterprise.
Federation news update: The planet Vulcan was destroyed today during an attack by a war criminal called Nero. The rescue fleet was saved along with thousands of Vulcan survivors thanks to a distress signal sent from the officers taken captive from the USS Troubadour. Heavy casualties were still encored. Ships are currently in pursuit of the attacking vessel to rescue the captives of the USS Troubadour and bring Nero to justice.
M'Benga pulls out a miracle and Leonard rallies through surgery. He's by no means out of the woods but the medical staff and ship crew can breathe a fraction easier.
"Honestly, a lot can still go wrong but if he makes it through the night I believe he can make it the rest of the way up the mountain," reports M'Benga.
"What kind of recovery is he looking at?" asks Uhura. She's been sitting in sickbay with Spock all afternoon, or perhaps Spock has been sitting with her. Jim hasn't tried to come see Leonard which is good because Leonard's been in surgery and she doubts sitting here staring at a set of doors separating Leonard from them would be beneficial to Jim. Selfishly she doesn't want to have to enforce Leonard's wish of not letting Jim see him in this state either. She also has no idea where Jim stormed off to, which is troubling, but one thing at a time. Uhura needed to be here, both for Leonard and so she has something to tell Jim.
M'Benga looks remorseful. "It's a big mountain. We should probably take it one day at a time. He was lucky. We've all been really lucky so far."
Uhura nods. She doesn't feel particularly lucky but they're not planning a funeral yet so she guesses that's something. "Can he have visitors?"
"I don't think it would be in Leonard or Jim's best interest to bring Jim in today," says M'Benga with a sad smile. Uhura frowns a little. "Leonard's said a few things and since he technically can't be the active physician for family or dependants, I have Jim's medical files. I think we should wait until there are fewer devices hooked up to Leonard and he's awake before Jim sees him. A panic attack or episode right now would be harmful to both of them," explains M'Benga. Leonard's said more than a few things, he actually laid out a series of scenarios and how they should be handled. "Has his daughter been informed?"
"I will make arrangements to contact his family on Earth," says Spock. The mood sinks a little more. Somewhere there's a young woman who's about to have her world come to a screeching halt as well.
"I should go tell Jim... something," says Uhura. She didn't get a chance to say much beyond there was an accident before Jim stormed off. She's not sure how to handle any of this. Technically as his husband Jim has a right to know what's going on and have a say. But if the incident in his quarters is a sneak peak of how things are going to go, M'Benga's right about it not helping Leonard at all. Jim's not even Leonard's medical proxy. He assigned that duty to the ship's captain before he even really met Spock. "Computer, locate Jim McCoy."
"Jim McCoy is currently in the observation deck lounge," chirps the computer, dutifully.
She heads there, her stomach in knots.
The lounge doesn't serve alcohol, rather synthahol given that all the patrons are officers who could be called back to duty at a moment's notice. There's still something satisfying about the idea of drinking and the suggestive effects the drinks offer. She's rather surprised to see Jim looking actually drunk on a bar stool between Scotty and Sulu.
"It's uhu- uh- Uhura!" slurs Jim as he catches sight of her. He raises his glass high in the air, the contents spilling over the brim as he waves the glass around. He'd fall off the stool completely if not for Scotty holding him up.
It pisses Uhura off. Spock and her have been waiting in sickbay making themselves sick with worry and Jim's in a bar being an annoying happy drunk- a drunk she really doesn't want to have to babysit. This is the selfish arrogant ass she remembers from the academy.
"Uh-oh she looks mad," sings Jim in a drunken whisper. Sulu give him a sad smile. "Wanna join us?" he asks as Uhura marches over to their section of the bar.
"No and I think you've had enough. How are you even drunk?" she demands. The benefit of synthohol is feeling drunk without being drunk and being able to shake that feeling at a moment's notice. A moment like a pissed off Lieutenant looking like she wants to murder you. Jim's drunk drunk which means either he has his own personal stash of alcohol somewhere or Sulu or most likely Scotty is plying him with the real stuff.
"He was like this when we got here," says Sulu, sensing they're about to be in trouble.
"It's the drugs," enthuses Jim with a gorpy smile.
Uhura wants to bang her head against the table. She's tired, wrecked and on edge herself, she doesn't need these kinds of complications. "What drugs?" she demands, exasperated. It's only been a couple of hours and already she might have to drag Jim to medical for a drug detox.
"The ones that keep me from being a complete basket case," explains Jim slamming back the last few swallows in his glass. "Side effects may include, adverse reaction to synthohol," he says like he's reciting a warning label from memory.
Uhura looks at Scotty and Sulu. "Can you guys give us a minute?" They look at each other, a silent conversation between. Sulu nods and he and Scotty grab their glasses and move a couple of stools down. Enough to give them space but close enough in case they're needed. Jim slumps over the bar counter running his finger through a puddle of condensation that formed around his glass, looking morose and dejected now that his friends have gone. Uhura sits down next to him waving the bartender away as he approaches to take her order.
"He's dead, isn't he?" asks Jim, hollow and broken. The words burn like acid; seeping into every molecule of his being and carving him from the inside out. This is the confirmation he knew was coming since Uhura knocked on his door earlier today; the hard conversation where she tries to drill that fact into his addled and damaged brain. He always hated the Kobayashi Maru and Leonard's death is his own personal version.
Uhura kind of wants to get drunk now too but someone has to be in their right mind. She wishes she had better news for him. "He made it through surgery, but we'll have to see if he makes it through the night."
Jim closes his eyes to try and hold the tears back. He's not sure if hovering near death is better news. On one hand there's hope but on the other it just feels like prolonging the inevitable. The universe is infinitely cruel as far as Leonard is concerned.
Jim should have been there. He promised Leonard he'd have his back. And he didn't because he can't keep his shit together which got him disbarred from Starfleet. Now Leonard's paying the price. The scar curling up his arm starts to burn.
The silence stretches on leaving both to stew in their own impotence.
"I fucked up," confesses Jim, sniffling.
"You weren't even there, Jim," counters Uhura. Leonard could die because he saved her. If anyone gets to wear the blame crown, it starts with her.
Jim shakes his head. "No. The first time in a long time Leonard needs me and I go out and get drunk. He hates it when I drink. I promised I would never have more than half a glass and even then it has to be synthohol and under his supervision. "
"I'm sure he'll understand given the circumstances."
Jim rolls his eyes and rolls up his sleeve exposing the pink scar running down his arm. "I make bad decisions when I'm drunk." He knows Leonard will forgive him because Leonard always forgives him. Even when he doesn't deserve it; especially when he doesn't deserve it. Assuming Leonard makes it at all.
"I'm classified as unstable, with notes of PSTD, emotional instability and paranoid delusions to give it that full body flavour," says Jim. Uhura gives him her undivided attention but he can't bring himself to look her in the eye. "It's mostly the result of brain damage from this parasite slug thing Nero used to torture us with. They all tell me it's not my fault I can't function like normal." Jim squints his eye like he's working out a long mathematical problem in his head. "It's like eighty percent brain damage and twenty percent my own shit that I need to work through."
Uhura's not sure she's in a place to hear the details of something that so clearly broke someone as stubborn and thick headed as James Kirk. The moron attempted the Kobayashi Maru twice and planned on going back for a third time had he and Leonard not taken the field positions on the Troubadour that spring. Whatever happened, it was bad. If Jim needs to speak about it though, she'll listen tonight.
"I didn't do the work, you know? All the councillors and physical therapists, I dropped them the first chance I could, before they even finished the sentence explaining that I wouldn't be the same as before. I just felt that, if I can't get back to one hundred percent then why bother?" laments Jim, looking pained. "See the leg and the shoulder didn't bother Starfleet that much. There were ways to work around them and still keep me on a starship. It was the random mental instability that had them concerned. And given some of the incidents that happened they were probably right to be concerned. They don't happen all the time, obviously. I can even regulate them a little more with a couple extra medications. But what if that twenty percent was the difference between me getting kicked out and staying? What if that twenty percent that I refuse to work on is the difference between me sitting here wondering if Leonard's going to live or me still having a commission on a ship that would have put me on that planet with him today?"
Uhura signals the bartender to pour her a drink. "And what if I had just looked to my left?"
M'Benga comes to personally explain Leonard's status. Jim gets lost in all the technical terms looking to his left for Leonard to explain them, only he's not there. Jim just nods along like it makes sense because in the end none of it matters as long as Leonard's alright.
The doctor gives Jim a supply of sedatives to get him through the week. Jim accepts them with a sad smile because it was Leonard who put in the order for them should anything like this happen to him. Leonard's gravely injured and he's still finding ways to take of Jim.
"Leonard was fairly adamant that it would be best to not come to sickbay," says M'Benga in that typical physician voice meant to keep the situation calm. "But if you insist, I can make arrangements for you to come in and sit with him."
Jim wants to argue; if a crazed Romulan and near death couldn't separate them before, M'Benga has little chance of being successful now. But Jim knows deep down M'Benga's probably right; that Leonard's foresight is almost certainly correct. The last thing he needs is for the medical team to be dealing with his shit instead of taking care of Leonard.
God Jim wishes he had his shit together, that he was able to just be normal for awhile. Whoever thought the ability to walk into sickbay and sit beside a dying lover was something people took for granted? Even Jim knows walking into sickbay is going to ignite all of the triggers he barely manages to keep a handle on never mind the ones he doesn't even know exist yet. It kills that the best thing for Leonard is to stay away.
"No," says Jim bitterly. Leonard's always brave for both of them, Jim can give it a shot for a couple days. "Who's making the medical decisions?" He really hopes it's not Joanna. She's too young to have to pick up Jim's slack, especially when it's her father's life on the line.
"The captain," replies M'Benga, "as per Leonard's request."
Jim just nods. He'd like to say the sting of betrayal is warranted at his husband for making someone else his caretaker but Jim can't say it's not unjustified. Nor can he deny a certain sense of relief of knowing he'll never have to be the one to say when enough is enough. There's Leonard again, making sure his family's protected. Leonard has the foresight for all of it and all Jim has to do is try and keep it together. He can't help but feel he has the harder job.
So Jim stays away. He cancels his appointment in the gym with Chekov and opens his reserved time slot in astrometrics. He spends his time pacing the confines of their quarters because he doesn't trust himself enough to stay away should he leave or to maintain the tenuous grip he has on reality. He's white knuckling every moment.
Chekov drops off a PADD every morning outside his door with M'Benga's daily evaluation and vid message from Joanna. She knows Jim won't take the transmission in person but leaves a positive message for him to view when he feels he's ready.
She talks about school and the orchestra, about how she's adjusting to life at school and being on her own for the first time. It's a nice distraction; a moment to forget that the largest piece of their puzzle is missing.
Sulu leaves dinner for Jim outside the door too. Uhura brings it in when she stops by after shift to make sure that Jim's alive and not jello on the floor. She spends most of the time tidying the place as she waters down Leonard's condition. It's fine because Jim's not up to talking much anyways. He just has to keep it together- for Leonard.
It's after shift and Spock's on his way back from sickbay when he sees Jim wandering the corridor. He's glaring at the crewmen which are giving him a wide birth as they pass. Spock can't make out the litany that's pouring from Jim's lips but his rigid stance suggests he's rather agitated.
"Is there something I can help you with Mr McCoy?" asks Spock in the most accommodating tone a Vulcan can implement.
"Where is he?" demands Jim, hanging onto the wall the best he can since his leg doesn't seem to be interested in supporting his weight.
"Who?"
"You know damn well who!" Jim snarls. His hands clench at his sides.
"I assure, I do not." Spock wracks his brain and comes up with the most logical answer. "Are you looking to see Dr McCoy in sickbay?"
Something wild flashes in Jim's eyes and Spock has mere seconds to move out of the way before a fist comes flying at his head. The second fist connects. It's not hard enough to do any damage despite Jim's best effort. The intent to cause serious harm is evident even if he doubts Jim has the strength to go toe to toe with a Vulcan and win.
"Don't say his name. You don't get to say his name!" screams Jim as he tackles Spock to the ground. "Just give him back you Romulan bastard!"
Crewmen gather around to see what the commotion is all about and try to help their captain. Jim just starts throwing punches at whoever is within arm's length.
Someone is going to get seriously hurt and Spock must do something to protect everyone involved. He reaches up while Jim is busy taking a swing at Ensign Waller and implements the Vulcan nerve pinch.
Jim crumples to the ground.