It doesn't seem real. Leonard's not entirely convinced it's not the last prayer of his dying body trying to give him a peaceful dream to slip away with, despite the fact that he is sitting on the floor of one of the Enterprise's shuttles doing his best to put pressure on one of Jim's wounds.
Leonard can't describe the relief he feels to get his hands on actual state of the art medical supplies. There aren't enough though. Jim and Abrams are critical, two of the Enterprise officers are dead and Captain Pike's in really bad shape. The shuttle can't get to the ship fast enough.
Leonard steadfastly ignores the dull ache in his gut and the warm spread of blood that's accompanying it. He doesn't have time to worry about himself. He grabs a scrap of bandage and hastily packs his wound. "Don't move him," yells Leonard as one of the junior officers tries to help the captain. "Spinal injury, you can't move him."
Just lying Pike down in the shuttle probably caused more damage than Leonard wants to think about, but they couldn't leave him back on the Narada after Nero ran him through with his sceptre. Nero was determined to go out in a blaze of glory destroying his ship in the process so there wasn't time for proper transport of the critically wounded. He just prays it's still fixable; he owes Pike that much for saving them.
Jim's eyes snap open. "Bones?" he asks, frantically looking around the shuttle the best he can without moving his head. It's not familiar surrounds and there's a chaos happening around them that seems more desperate than frightening.
"Shhhh," soothes Leonard, running his hand through Jim's hair. "I'm right here. We're saved. The Enterprise saved us."
That's the most beautiful thing Jim's ever heard. Even if it is possibly a pretty lie uttered on Leonard's gorgeous lips. He hopes it's more than a prayer whispered by an angel. "Enterprise? Pike?" asks Jim. The room is spinning and his stomach rolling; the only clear thing is Leonard leaning over him.
"He's right here," says Leonard, scooting out of the way so Jim can get a glimpse of their saviour lying on the floor beside him.
Pike's face pinches as he looks over at Jim. "I should have known it was you Kirk. Trust you to get tangled up in something like this," he says fondly with a wave of relief that the kid hasn't run out of lives yet.
Jim smiles and it's his usual boyish smirk despite the blood staining his teeth.. "I was endanger of not winning our bet."
"Bet?" asks Pike confused. Blood loss must be doing a number on either him or the kid, probably both.
"Three years," says Jim and it's barely above a whisper. "Let's see them keep me out of that captain's chair now."
Pike chokes back a laugh. Leonard just rolls his eyes. "Let's get you fixed up first. Unbelievable you still want to go back out into space after all this." Leonard wishes he had a tenth of Jim's fight. He grabs a hypo and administers some pain killers into Jim. Almost immediately the tight lines around his eyes and rigidness in his limbs disappear.
A goofy smile over takes Jim. "Hey captain, can you do us a favour?"
Pike looks at Jim incredulously. They're barely hanging on to life and Jim wants a favour. He has serious doubts about entertaining such a request. "Not sure I'm in a position to grant any favours right now." Christ he literally can't stand, what could Jim possibly want?
"Marry us?" asks Jim.
"What?" say Pike and Leonard at the same time. They can't have heard that right.
Jim locks eyes with Leonard. "You said the second we got out. It's been several seconds, Bones."
It feels like the universe lives and dies in that moment. Jim's stats are trash. Leonard's not naive enough to believe that rescue came in time for all of them. There's a very real chance Jim's not getting off this shuttle. Leonard realizes he doesn't want to live his life without ever having been Jim's. "Okay." He takes Jim's hand and squeezes it tight.
Pike looks skeptical. "Are you sure, McCoy?" Because neither are probably in the best position to be making life altering decisions right now, but who is he to get in the way of this.
"Never been more sure of anything in my life," says Leonard.
Pike manages to recite the vows through gritted teeth as McCoy moves back and forth between he and Jim in an effort to impart some medical aid.
"Do you, James Tiberious Kirk, take Leonard McCoy to be your husband?"
"Without a doubt yes."
"Do you, Leonard..."
"Horatio," supplies Leonard.
"Do you, Leonard Horatio McCoy, take James Kirk to be your husband?"
"I always will."
"Then I now pronounce you husbands for life."
Leonard leans down and kisses Jim. He can feel the exact moment Jim goes slack and lifeless. It's a cruel universe that sees fit to try and make Leonard a widow on his wedding day.
After the moments of silence the ceremony draws to a close. Key crew members that managed to slip away while on duty hurry back to their stations while everyone else kind of congregates in slow moving herds talking about where they were when Nero struck or tales of glory about a friend or a loved one. No one ever has the same tales Jim and Leonard hide.
Jim's already antsy, his skin crawling with the nearness of everyone. Personal space means nothing when people are trying to all leave at the same time. He grabs a fist full of Leonard's dress shirt and trails behind as Leonard tries to navigate the crowds.
"You look familiar," says a Lieutenant who ends up standing next to Jim as they wait for the crowd to start moving again. He stares at Jim, trying to figure out just where they may have crossed paths.
"I have one of those faces," says Jim, keeping his eyes straight ahead at Leonard's back.
"That's not it," he insists. He's diffidently seen this crewman before and not in a work setting. It's like an itch in the middle of his back that he can't reach. It's something important.
"I do porn," snaps Jim. Why can't people just take a hint? Jim can feel the cold sweat beading on his forehead. Does he really look like someone that wants to chit chat?
The Lieutenant shakes his head. "Something with Starfleet," he counters. It's right on the tip of his tongue. He can picture the gold command shirt now. "I remember," he declares in triumphant, "you're Jim Kirk."
Jim moves his head in some jerky denial. "I'm not," he insists. And Jesus, people are starting to look.
"You are," continues the Lieutenant, smiling like the Cheshire cat. It's not often one gets to stand in front of their hero. Especially when it's been about eight years since anyone has seen the legend.
A whisper starts to spread, moving around the crowd. All eyes narrow in on Jim. Jim can't breathe. He can't even move. Leonard's shirt slips out of his hand as he starts to move away with the crowd leaving Jim standing there. He wants to scream out for Leonard to stop, to not leave him alone but nothing comes out except short little gasps. The room starts to spin and Leonard gets sucked into the throngs of people, unaware Jim isn't glued to his side anymore.
The enthusiastic lieutenant is talking, bubbling with questions. Nero this, and Narada that. And how did you figure out his plan to destroy Vulcan? And suddenly the room erupts with more questions from more people. The murmurs are like a tidal wave crashing down on Jim sending him down into murky depths and he can't breach the surface. He tries to move but he just ends up spinning with the room. Everywhere he turns is another person with more questions, more demand of Jim.
He can't breathe.
The floor disappears and he's in free fall. The world a swirl of strange faces all moving in closer and sucking out what little air there is. "Bones!" he squawks and it doesn't carry over the rushing sound in his ears. Suddenly he's on the ground. He crawls, searching blindly for an exit but if anything the people seem to form a tighter wall.
"Move!" yells Leonard to be heard over the crowds. He pushes and pulls whoever gets in his way. He'd hit them all for being idiots but Jim's on the ground with his knees pulled tightly to his chest and mouthing something unintelligible with his eyes shut tightly.
Leonard kneels down, wrapping Jim tightly in his arms. He locks eyes with Scotty who's made his way over managing to part the sea of people. "Get them out of here," he orders.
Scotty nods, exchanging his look of worry for one of determination. "Alright, nothing to see here. Best be on yer way." He waves the crowd out, waiting for every last person to exit before leaving himself.
The silence is almost worse than the noise. Jim buries his own raggedy breaths in Leonard's shirt. He can feel Leonard's arms around him anchoring him, Leonard's large steady hands rubbing soothing circles along his back. Leonard's cologne fills Jim's nose with the promise of safety and home. Jim never wants him to let go.
"I'm a fucking mess," whispers Jim, wiping away his tears. He's getting really good at making a scene lately. He can feel the vibration of Leonard chuckling.
"You're my mess," replies Leonard. "You ready to get out of here?"
Jim nods, not trusting his voice to not beg for something more. He wants to run, run all the way back to the farm where nobody knows exactly what kind of mess they're dealing with, where the animals know him as Jim, not James T Kirk, disgraced captain. If he couldn't face these people today, how the hell is he supposed to do it tomorrow?
Leonard helps him to his feet, slow and steady unwilling to rush Jim. Jim looks at him, really looks at his husband standing there in his blue dress uniform, medals and all. Leonard's a god damn hero and not just when the universe is on the line- every god damn day, when it doesn't matter and nobody's looking. He belongs here. Who's Jim to make him walk away from that all over again?
"Ready?" asks Leonard, wrapping his arm around Jim's waist as they take their first steps back to their quarters.
Jim follows because this isn't his world anymore.
Federation News bulletin:
One of the Troubadour survivors has died
The rumour mill kicks into high gear again. Leonard can tell by the way all conversations turn to whispers and all eyes follow him when he takes lunch in the cafeteria. He's kind of glad Jim's back to his self imposed isolation. The glares are getting on his nerves, he can't imagine what they'd do to Jim.
They make Leonard feel like a criminal, an imposter that tried to live among them and pass as one of their own. He supposes he and Jim aren't like regular people anymore. Maybe they never were to start with.
They're braver in the corridors and cafeteria but sickbay is another thing. Patients seem to go out of their way to be agreeable with his orders; never questioning them and following them to a tee. He hasn't had to threaten anyone in weeks. Even engineering has seen a number of reduced calls. He highly doubts they've suddenly gotten better about not dropping things on their feet.
Sulu, Chekov, and Scotty act normal for the most part but there's an elephant in the room; some question they're dying to ask but aren't willing to bring up. Uhura just looks kind of sad, like the memorial ceremony answered any questions she could possibly have. Spock just looks like he doesn't have to carry a secret anymore. Leonard even swears he hears Spock thank Jim for his service one night during their chess game.
Jim goes to engineering but it feels like a real effort now. He can feel the eyes on him, hear the gentle whispers that follow him through the corridor- the ones they think he can't hear. He has brain damage- not hearing loss. It's the look of fear and of pity that he's long since grown tired of. It's why he left San Francisco; all those former colleagues and friends just waiting to bump into him, to ask why it all went wrong. Jim wants to run now, leave the crew of the Enterprise in the dust with their disappointment and horror. Leaving a ship is a little harder than leaving a city though.
Leonard's tentative trial period is almost up. Maybe Jim should just tell his husband they should go back to the farm. Back to where Jim can just be Jim McCoy, husband and part time husbandry enthusiast. Five little words and Leonard would have their bags packed and Jim on the next shuttle home.
Leonard's never seemed happier. It's a tightly contained excitement that he keeps buried way down where no one can steal it, but Jim sees it. He sees it every time Leonard rants about moronic junior engineers being clumsy or what exactly are they teaching junior medics these days? He sees it when Leonard comes home exhausted from spending all night in the lab trying to figure out a vaccine or antidote to some newly discovered fungus. Leonard's alive in a way that he hasn't been for a long time- in a way Jim's just not capable of providing.
Who's Jim to take that away from Leonard again?
Maybe Jim should just make a ship wide announcement. 'Attention crew, yes I'm former Captain Kirk, yes I probably did everything they've said I've done and then some. Yes I survived Nero, no I don't know why me over anyone else. Any worst case scenario you can imagine, it was a million times worse than that. Yes, if you catch me on the wrong day I'll probably knock you in to next week.' Or he could just wear something flashy that's worthy of all the attention the crew wants to give him.
Jim grips his cane tighter and avoids eye contact with anyone. Eye contact just invites conversation and he can't bring himself to actually address any of their concerns.
Thankfully it's late in beta shift and engineering is mostly empty. Scotty and Chekov don't miss a beat, falling into their regular rhythm of banter and work as Jim walks in and perches on one of the consoles near the back bulkhead. Jim stays quiet and out of the way. He feels like the ghost that is James T Kirk, as though Jim McCoy was a lie that's now been exposed. Nothing's changed but everything has changed.
Nobody says anything directly to Jim about the recent revelation, no matter how much the need to is desperately painted on their faces. He's almost certain Leonard's threatened them all within an inch of their lives to secure the crew's silence. Jim's not sure if he should be grateful for that or not.
Jim can tell Scotty and Chekov have questions tumbling around in their brains. At least there's no pity of fear in their eyes.
He's tired of talking about it even if everyone else is not. He relives enough shitty moments, he'd like to bury that one for good. Except there's a void between him and everyone else, built by silence and filled with everything he doesn't say and lies forged to keep the void from sight.
"Are ye gonna join us or just sit there like a brooding gargoyle?" asks Scotty, staring expectantly at Jim.
Jim just shrugs. He's too tired and broken to pretend this little experiment isn't ending in his usual tire fire.
"Ye can just pout somewhere else if that's your plan for the day. I've got a sonic driver that can hold the console down just as good as you sitting on it can and a couple of junior engineers who'd be just as productive," scolds Scotty, looking around to see where said junior nitwits he's been saddled with tonight have wandered off to. He gets Jim's situation and how daunting it must be, but this is him and Chekov here- they deserve a little effort.
Jim frowns. That's not the response he was expecting. Chekov's nervous like he's mentally preparing his report to the captain about how a brawl broke out in engineering or worse, like Dr McCoy will appear out of the shadows like a demon and tear into him and Scotty. Scotty just seems like he's not in the mood for Jim's shit. It reminds Jim a little of Uhura or Leonard.
Jim's so used to people showing him with pity, fear or questions that irritation over Jim feeling sorry for himself throws him off his game somewhat. "You don't have any questions," snaps Jim at a loss. Everyone has questions; how could they not? The answers never seem to satisfy people in a way that brings them closer to Jim. If anything they drive people away, leaving Jim to tread water on his own.
Scotty rolls his eyes, like Jim's especially stupid. Chekov on the other hand looks like he's been asked to participate in a murder and his only escape is to jump from a moving transport. Jim makes a mental note to avoid pulling any capers with the kid. Poor guy is just too innocent and straight laced for his own good.
"Aye, about a billion. But if ye wanted to talk about it ye probably would have told us who you were months ago," replies Scotty crossing his arms. He tries not to sound wounded. He was under the impression they were getting on like a house on fire but if Jim didn't feel he could open up about his past (not necessarily the nitty gritty details but maybe a 'oh hey I was a Captain for a bit but it wasn't for me' would have sufficed) then maybe Scotty's got some more work to do.
"I don't want to talk about it," comes out of Jim's mouth reflexively with a tinge of defence to it.
"Great!" snaps back Scotty with equal force, "then how are we gonna fix the sonic relays on deck sixteen without a draxton coil ready?"
Jim slams his feet on the deck, rising off the console. "The reclamation relay on deck thirty has two but can function with one. We could pull one from there until a new one is calibrated." The words fly from his mouth like quick successive punches powered by all the frustration that's been building for days. He doesn't want to talk about the remembrance ceremony or the other thing.
Except maybe he does because, "What are your questions?" flies out of his mouth too.
Chekov and Scotty look at each other, silently seeking confirmation that they heard Jim correctly.
"Um... really?" asks Scotty, quietly.
This is Jim's chance to take it back, to close a potential Pandora's box. Jim's never been good at self-preservation. "What do you want to know?" he says and it sounds like a plea, like he's trying to barter with an incoming wave to leave his sandcastle untouched. For the first time in a long time, he actually cares if someone can know the truth and still want him around. More specifically, he needs to know if Scotty and Chekov are willing to weather the storm that is Jim Kirk because Jim doesn't know if he'll be able to survive being on the Enterprise without them.
Jim sits quietly on a control panel again turning a sonic driver in his hand. There's a calm silence between the three of them- Jim not sure is he can handle the fallout of what's to come and Scotty and Chekov turning over what they should as ask and what they really want to know.
Scotty asks "What did happen on the Michigan Jim? If you don't mind me askin?"
Jim swallows. It's straight to the heart of the matter. "Everything they say that happened," starts Jim, voice worn and brittle. Honesty can be surprisingly taxing. It's hard to come back from punching out your first officer and your helmsman. "It was after Nero and the people needed a hero. Heroes are hard to come by in a tragedy, so they made me captain. You can sleep well kids, Captain Kirk is out there protecting you," embellishes Jim. "It was fine in the beginning. Starfleet was saying yes, I thought if I could just get out there I'd be alright. I could keep all this crazy locked up with medication and excessive counselling. The only one saying wait a minute was Bones."
At first Jim had thought it was just Leonard's way of saying he didn't want to go back out into space. Like he needed to convince Jim it was in his best interest to turn down his commission in order to preserve their relationship. Jim could never throw away Leonard for his career. By the time Jim realized Leonard was trying to protect him, he was too afraid he'd lose everything if he stopped.
"I could hide the episodes in the beginning, brush it off. People were more understanding. It had only been a year since Nero, I was still finding my feet kind of thing. Then they were a little harder to excuse and I'd have Bones cover for me because I didn't want to lose my command." Jim swallows hard, the sting of forming tears threatening to escape causing him to squint. "Then we got a distress call for a Romulan civilian vessel. It should have been easy, just save the crew. I don't know. I just saw them and decided it was a trap. My crew said no they were just in need of rescuing and we should, because we're at peace, Nero didn't change that. I wouldn't listen. We were in danger and I had to protect the crew. Even when the crew refused to follow orders, I just armed the torpedoes myself. The crew tried to stop me, they knew I wasn't in my right mind anymore. In the end it was Bones that took me down. Hypo'd me from behind."
Jim's never actually apologised to Leonard for putting him in that position. He feels bad about it. First for getting Leonard to down play Jim's episodes when he would have rang the alarm right away if it were anyone other than Jim. Leonard probably wouldn't have been so quick to fall for those puppy dog eyes is he knew Jim was lying about the extent of things even to Leonard. If that coercion of their relationship wasn't enough, Jim put Leonard in a situation where he had to act against Jim to protect Jim.
"Luckily the torpedo missed and the crew was able to rescue them without incident. But I was done. There was no way to talk my way out of that one. Everyone was apologetic about it. Said they put me out there too soon, should have made sure I was really ready, should have given me some other ship to command like a medical ship or supply hauler- something that mattered less. They kept it quiet to cover their asses and protect mine. Said I retired, rode off into the sunset like all heroes past their prime do. But a crew of three hundred talk even if they're ordered not to. So I started going by Jim McCoy, no pre assumptions or expectations, just a nobody people have yet to meet. The thing is, I don't think Bones has ever forgiven himself it." He knows Leonard silently beats himself up about the whole thing. It's part of the reason Leonard is so over protective now. Jim's just never been sure how you even begin to apologise for something like that.
"You're hardly a nobody, Jim," says Scotty, putting his hand on Jim's shoulder. Chekov nods in agreement. "No matter what name you use."
It's out there now and Scotty and Chekov didn't run. Jim has to fight back the tears, choking on a laugh when Scotty asks, "Now which one of you two is going to go crawling through the Jefferies tubes on deck thirty?"
"Not it," says Jim, much to Chekov's dismay.
"Fuck!" escapes Leonard's lips as he's abruptly awoken in the middle of the night. The room's dark, except for the flashing red light that only comes from a red alert. This is bad. The tremble starts in his hand and for a second he can smell that wretched stagnant water from Nero's ship. His hand shoots over to Jim's side of the bed which is already empty. "Fuck," he says again, throwing the sheets off.
"Computer lights," he commands, getting to his feet. The lights come up against the consistent call of the red alert. Leonard doesn't even have time to bask in the relief that it's their quarters that are illuminated and not a dungeon cell before his eyes land on Jim, who's huddled in the corner. Leonard wants to crawl into the corner next to him and ignore the world but he has a station to man.
The last time, they had a red alert in the middle of the night, they were sharing then quarters too.
Leonard hastily puts on his pants and grabs a shirt. He kneels down in front of Jim as he wrestles the wrinkled uniform on. "Jim, I need you to look at me," he orders in a bid to try and get through the demons that are undoubtedly fighting for Jim's attention. They're nipping at Leonard's heels too.
Jim reluctantly lifts his head up but doesn't make eye contact.
Leonard places his hands on Jim's neck, just above his shoulders and presses their foreheads together. "Jim, I have to go to sickbay. Someone may need my help. But I need to know you're going to be okay. This is not the Troubadour and that's not Nero attacking." It's the only thing Leonard does know. There could be a number of reasons for the red alert, the majority of them are not good.
"Yeah," gasps Jim. "You gotta go." Jim almost looks like he believes it.
Leonard pulls his ring off, struggling to get it over his knuckle. He almost never takes it off, so the fact that it's not as loose as it once was usually isn't much of an issue. He takes Jim's hand and pries Jim's clenched fist open, placing the ring in the palm of Jim's hand. Gently he folds Jim's fingers over the ring and kisses the back of Jim's hand before pressing it against Jim's chest right above his heart.
"Keep that safe till I get back."
Jim nods and squeezes his hand tighter.
This is the part that kills Leonard- the fine line between duty and Jim. They talked about it endlessly before Leonard accepted Spock's offer. CMO means not shirking duties, no matter how much Leonard wants to stay and comfort his husband. "I'll comm. you when I find out what's going on," he promises. The ship's not shaking so maybe it's just a precautionary alert. Maybe it's not. Either way he has to go because lives could be on the line.
Leonard fights every instinct he has to stay and forces himself out the door. Jim gets edgy when a red alert is called but being woken up in the middle of the night for one is a double whammy after an already emotional week. Leonard's half way down the corridor when Spock comms him. "Meet the security team outside the shuttle bay. I will be there momentarily," orders the captain.
Leonard has a bad feeling about this. It's going to be a long night.
"What's going on?" asks Leonard as Spock rounds the corner mere moments after he arrives at the shuttle bay.
"We have encountered a ship in distress. The survivors are evacuating to our ship. They may need medical attention," informs Spock.
"Are we concerned about something?" asks Leonard, looking pointedly at the armed detail of security guards.
"It is a private transport ship. The guards are simply a precaution."
Leonard's lips tighten. Private companies are less discerning about who they hire and what they transport. The private sector is more like the Wild West. Without Starfleet protection, private ships opt to hire the dregs of society for security purposes, who tend to not be the friendliest under any circumstances.
The computer beeps, signalling that atmosphere has been restored to the shuttle bay. The security guards go in first, followed by the captain and then Leonard and the medical team. The first of four shuttles opens its door, the crew walking out cautiously.
"I am Captain Spock of the USS Enterprise," greets Spock.
"John Harrison," greets the leader of the privateers, "captain of the Botany Bay. Thank you for your assistance."
"Doctor McCoy will see to your people," says Spock.
Leonard pulls his scanner from his pouch and takes a step forward.
"That won't be necessary," insists Harrison, tight but not unpolite.
"I'll be the judge of that," snaps Leonard. He was awoken in the middle of the night; someone is receiving medical attention whether they like it or not. And he's certainly not going to be taking a medical assessment from a self appointed captain.
"Very well, doctor," concedes Harrison, with a tight smile that suggests he more put out than grateful.
Leonard never breaks eye contact with Harrison as he runs the scanner over the man. There's something intimidating about the man like if Leonard looks away for even a second, he'll get bit. "You're all clear," says Leonard examining the readings. He moves on to the next passenger. Out of twelve crew members, six need to be treated for smoke inhalation and another four require additional scans to pin point exactly what's wrong. Sickbay is going to be busy.
Harrison seems nonplus about his crew needing to head to sickbay. Instead he simply says, "Captain if I may speak with you privately. It is a matter of my cargo."
Leonard doesn't exactly have the warm fuzzies for every member of his crew but he still cares about their well being. Harrison seems almost cold to his crew. Then again Leonard's livelihood doesn't depend on the successful transport of cargo.
Spock acquiesces, the two diverting to Spock's ready room while the rest of the crew of the Botany Bay follow Leonard to sickbay. The ship stands down from red alert.