Author's Note: This Chapter takes place during the summer after the ministry fight. I'll do the ministry fight probably next chapter. This chapter is Ginny reflecting on stuff over the summer between book five and six. I hope you enjoy, but I'll also understand if you find the format of this chapter a little jarring.
CHAPTER 3: Future Diary
Dear Diary,
Tuesday
It's Ginny again. I haven't written in a little while, but there's too much going through my head. It's like a hive of bees buzzing under my skin and I need to let it out somehow. Mum said I couldn't go into the woods and destroy things with Reducto. I'm sure there's a bunch of healthy alternatives to writing in a diary. I know the mind-healers I saw after my catastrophe of a first year told me that unlike normal patients of theirs, keeping a diary might be a 'trigger'. Whatever that means; they could've just said I shouldn't do it because the last time I did I got possessed by the most powerful Dark Wizard of the era. Fucking mind-healers and their games. Though I was twelve, and I was still really out of it. Maybe I shouldn't have thrown that vase at Dr. Shirai; she was only trying her best, and I sent her right next door to the hospital to get her face to stop bleeding. Gods I was such a bitch. I think I was one of her first patients… I was twelve. I have to repeat this to myself every so often because if I don't, then the guilt is just another shite thing to deal with. .
I have to see one tomorrow, Dr. Fleur Delacour actually. Fleur Fucking Delacour is a mind-healer. Like that just happened. She apparently blazed through her mastery, because she's ACTUALLY that smart. Maybe Wizarding France has better career programs than we do? I'll have to ask McGonagall. But more to the point, HOW did she become Tri-Wizard Champion of Beauxbatons? She helps people for a living; she's not a gladiator or some shite? At least Krum competes for a living, and even Diggory to a certain extent being a nearly unrivalled Seeker.
I think my brother Bill asked Fleur out, got rejected. I laughed at that. Mum cuffed the back of my head, totally worth it though. Even Bill grinned.
Anyway, Fleur works in the same office as Dr. Shirai, because of course she does. So of course we ran into her, and she DEFINITELY recognized me. She says she's forgiven me. I sent her flowers afterward. Maybe that worked the charm? I really hope she doesn't hate me. I feel like such a shit for hurting her, even if I KNOW that I still wasn't really recovered from Tom at the time, and my actions weren't entirely my own until like partway through second-year. I used to think people claiming to be under the Imperius Curse were all self-serving wankers. But now I'm not so sure. I mean, there's shites like Malfoy who are obviously guilty, but a lot of the others may be telling the truth. Tom's Imperio was differently delivered, but coming to terms with what I'd done was horrifying. No wonder I don't really have friends other than the upper-years or Luna. And Tonks, but she wasn't there for what happened in my first year, so I don't think she totally counts in the same way. She's also a proper adult, so she'll never have time to listen to my whinging.
Fleur is going to be my mind-healer. Shite. I hope it doesn't go as badly for me as last time did. But as far as tomorrow goes, Mum insisted I go, and I know that Luna, Harry, and maybe even Hermione will be going as well. Thankfully none of them know that Dr. Shirai and I have history. I think she'll be handling Harry, since he and Fleur already know each-other fairly well. I think they've been exchanging letters since the Tournament.
Dear Diary,
Wednesday
Dr. Kuroko Shirai is an actual goddess and I want to marry her. Or, maybe not since she's already got herself a wife, Mikoto Misaka or something…she uses her maiden name in her career for some reason. Is that a thing in Japan? I don't know. She probably just does it for professional reasons, just like how my mum used to still use her maiden name when she wrote for the Prophet when I was younger.
Dr. Shirai is very pretty, and she was so eager to show me the picture she carried of her wife Mikoto. Maybe they'd share? NO. BAD GINNY. I shouldn't write in this diary after being horny (don't judge me Diary, it was a stressful day, and I needed to let some tension out ok? getting a letter from Harry didn't hurt in that regard, his eyes are dreamy). Dr. Shirai pulled me aside and gave me a hug of all things, and apologized to me for what happened a few years ago when I snapped and threw that vase at her. I think I might have cried. I didn't know how badly I wanted her forgiveness for hurting her. Beyond the whole I want to sit on her face while her wife eats her out thing It felt like I was under Tom's control, and she knew that, and she forgave me. Not even Hermione has come up to me to forgive me. I mean, I don't blame her, but it would still be nice to hear.
MY actual session really went fine. I think the moment before it with Dr. Shirai helped me loosen up. Or made me more vulnerable or something. Either way It helped, I think. Fleur actually wants me back next week.
Thank the gods her allure doesn't affect me, otherwise I would've ended up in her lap or something. Gods, how shitty must her life be? I can't imagine having an aura that makes men want to fuck me. Like, even more than they already do, it's not I'm not leered at or fucking cat-called. Pieces of shit the lot of the bastards. But for her it's even worse because it's magically influenced seduction she can't really turn off. I feel slightly bad about rooting against her in the Tri-Wizard Tournament now. Well, I'm not mad at myself for supporting Harry. But I feel like a right shit for grinning when she was pulled from the lake; at the time I was thinking she was just one less obstacle for Harry. I need to stop going off on tangents. Fleur says I'm a master at deflecting, and I can sort of see her point. I deflect even when I'm writing in my damn diary of all situations. I wonder if that's because I still don't always trust my own thoughts? Or diaries for that matter?
Something very interesting happened when we left Fleur and Dr. Shirai's office. Tom's Daughter–DELPHI was there…or an appointment with Dr. Shirai. What is happening in the world when Voldemort and Bellatrix's daughter is going into therapy?
Dear Diary,
Wednesday
It's been a week since Therapy with Fleur. I went back this morning after leaving St. Mungo's. It wasn't as good…or it didn't fell as good. But Fleur says I'm not dealing with my emotions very well because I haven't come to terms with what happened at the Department of Mysteries. She said I had a history of repressing things, and that it would only blow up in my face (or others') if I didn't address it. Dr. Shirai definitely told her I threw a vase at her when I was twelve.
UGH.
Dear Diary,
Thursday
FUCK.
Flying around isn't working, everyone I'd normally talk to is just as much a mess as I am, and hell if I'm going to make them feel even worse because I was the weak one who went and made myself a burden on them. I need to talk about this to SOMEONE so here I am, talking to MYSELF. The last time I was so fucked up was the torture session with Umbitch last October. Thank gods I was smart enough to not provoke her again. My words faded from my hand in a month, but I think Harry's gonna have his forever. 'I must not tell lies'. Gods I'm glad she's dead; even if I've already had nightmares about it, worthwhile for sure. I wish Delphi hurt her more first. Gods that's dark, I need to think about something else.
Fleur sent me an owl hoping I was well, and that she'd like to reschedule next week's appointment to Thursday instead of Wednesday for some reason she was sort of vague about. She also told me if I couldn't tell HER about my feelings on what happened in the ministry, I should write them out. I shouldn't have brought up the diary, she was very excited when I did, and now she's gone and weaponized against me. When I told Hermione about it, she agreed with Fleur, surprised that the French witch was actually quite insightful. Maybe it's macabre to write this while sitting next to the unconscious form of my best friend in her hospital bed…
FINE.
Going to the Ministry with Harry was a mistake. Why did I think it would be a good idea? Fucking stubbornness. I really should've listened to Percy, the twat, I owled him over the Easter holls, not that my family knew, and he told me to think things through before making big decisions. He said it was the one major downfall of most Gryffindors. It took so much bullshiting for me to get a decent response from him. He may be a prat, but he's also my smartest brother who hasn't actively tormented me (Fred and George you bastards. clever, but shites all the same).
The way things went down in that dark fucking place should have been less bloody. What was I thinking? What were WE thinking? We're KIDS. Then again, if we had known who Delphi was, we probably should've expected worse. So Much worse.
As bad as things were, we were lucky only one of us died…and one of us maimed. And now everyone is grieving somehow. Damn it. I don't think I'll be leaving St. Mungo's much over the next couple months, at least.
At least the Death Eaters got theirs. Merlin's balls did the get theirs. Only two of them lived, out of like a dozen or something. I didn't count exactly. One of them is going to Azkaban once he's released from the hospital here, and the other is useless to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. I wonder how that situation is going to work out in the long-term. I understand Delphi and the Order were negotiating that situation. I hope the Order come to their senses and just let her have what she wants. I don't want to lose anyone else, and I think she's well capable of killing Order members if she thinks she has to.
But for some reason, that bitch Delphi was on our side. Sort of. At least that's what I've been told by the Order after they 'interrogated' her. Probably were pissing themselves the whole time; probably especially Tonks. Gods, to have a cousin like that…there' s no way they could've forced HER to sit down and talk with them. No way at all. But the way she fought that night, and the way she fucked with Parkinson back in Umbitch's office earlier that day have already given me nightmares. Fuck. I guess that makes sense in a sick way, continuing her dad's legacy. Now two Riddles are in my head
Tom fucking Riddle. How did he become what he is now? He was a right monster as a teenager. He tried to EAT MY SOUL kill me. But now I'm older I can say he was even quite fetching, in retrospect. How fucked am I that I've uh, touch–brought myself to orgasm to the thought of his face, and his praise. I EVEN KEEP A FUCKING DIARY YEARS LATER BECAUSE I MISS HIM. I MISS having somebody who understood me, who didn't judge me, who didn't laugh at me 'cause I'm a girl, or too short, too cute, or too angry. Maybe part of me hopes that my writing will disappear and he'll say 'It's been so long, how are you Ginerva?' or something like that. I hate myself.
Therapy with Fleur is helping with that, slowly. But there's a little progress.
Even at his worst, Tom never really lied to me. He just made me believe that things would be better if He had my body instead of me. So I GAVE it to him. He made me think I was doing a good thing, setting the basilisk loose. He didn't even give a damn about who it killed, pure-blood or muggleborn, He despised both equally. Probably because he hated his dad, and the purebloods of his time like Malfoy's grandfather Abraxas were right arseholes to him when they thought he was a 'mudblood peasant'. I've been told that my brain scans by the healers at St. Mungo's showed signs of Imperio-like symptoms when the Headmaster had me examined after my first year, but it still feels like I had a choice, and chose wrong. Maybe that's Tom's parting gift, corrupting me. Was that what the Imperius curse feels like? I know some of the older years had Not-Made-Eye cast it on them last year in D.A.D.A. class, and that Harry did best breaking free from it. But I haven't discussed it with them, other than telling them I had lost time. I got those memories back eventually, I didn't tell them about that part. I don't know if I ever will.
But now? Tom? Was that even him? He looks god awful. He doesn't even have a NOSE! Christ, his eyes are red and he looks like the pictures Hermione's shown me of the muggle grim reaper. It's hideous. There's a part of me that will probably wonder forever what the fuck happened to make the perfect Head Boy with a perfect body turn into a THING who's outside appearance mirrored the sickness of soul inside.
Dear Diary,
Wednesday
This entry is being written IN FRONT of Fleur. She said she wanted to see what I was like when I was writing. Even when I threatened to quit this whole thing if she saw what's inside this book. She didn't ask to see, she just wanted to see my expressions or something I think.
Remember how I said someone died at the ministry who was one of us? Yeah. The Funeral is next week. I'm surprised it took a fortnight to manage to pull it together. Probably because us magicals have stasis spells so we don't have to worry about rotting corpses.
I shouldn't have written that. I already hate myself enough.
God damn it. It's been TWO FUCKING WEEKS, but somehow I'm not ready. How will I ever be ready? My family's a mess, Harry and Hermione are despondent, and not even Luna is as care-free as usual. That's no surprise considering she lost an arm. Wow I'm a bitch. Ugh, why can't I just shut myself up before I say something horrid like that. I know it's in a diary, but UGH.
Also, what the fuck is Pug-nosed Parkinson doing here in St. Mungo's with Luna? She's such a bitch! I don't have much to say, I've spent most of the last few days crying and lashing out at people.
Dear Diary,
Thursday
Luna sent a wandless stinging at me from her bed when I said Parkinson had a pug-nose. The snake was out of the room using the facilities at the time. I was shocked, and I've seen some shit. Luna's never raised her wand at a friend before. Technically she still hadn't, but my point stands.
Okay, maybe she had a point. Parkinson is…not unattractive, and her nose is alright, it just took her a while to grow into it. Fine. she's pretty. But WHY did Luna suddenly give a shit? I've called Parkinson worse in front of her before? I don't know.
Dear Diary,
Saturday
I hate St. Mungos. It's so horrible here. Thank gods Luna will be out of here soon. There's only so much they can do for her, but she offhandly mentioned not being to chuffed about it. She said Delphi had an idea that could help her with her missing arm. I'm scared to ask what.
I wandered around after the nurse kicked me out of the room. And I found myself wandering into the permanent spell-damage ward. I saw Lockhart briefly. That utter cunt, trying to erase my brother's memories. And Harry's. He deserves to be in Azkaban, not being fed hospital pudding by a nurse he probably wanks off to when nobody's looking. Tonks told me the Aurors will never let him hold a wand again, and the Nurses aren't allowed wands around him that aren't secured in case he tries to make a break for it if he recovers any of his memories. And there's always two of them in the room in case he tries anything else.
I hope he makes a break for it and the Aurors put him down like they should've done when the took him from the Castle. He deserves to die for abandoning me. He deserves to die for what he tried to do to Harry and my brother. It's only LUCK that they aren't vegetables. They said he was unusually gifted with ERASING PEOPLE'S MEMORIES. WHY DID ANYONE THINK IT WAS AN OKAY IDEA TO PUT HIM IN A SCHOOL WITH 11-18 YEAR OLD GIRLS?
I don't even want to think too hard about my first year, because now I'm scared that there's a high-likely hood that he was using his talent to cover up sexual assaults as well, and nobody would know. Imperio, obliviate. Nobody would see it coming, and no witnesses to report him.
Dear Diary
Tuesday
I met Neville's parents today. Like, properly was introduced to them by him and his grandmother who were visiting.
They look so young. One of the treatments they were given after they were made to watch as their beloved's minds were torn to shreds in front of each other the 'incident' was some kind of long-term stasis ritual to try and give the healers as much time as they could get to put them right. They were like twenty when they lost everything. I just can't even imagine going through what they did. It's just too horrible.
Alice walked up to me, and sort of mumbled something to herself, and touched my hair. Then she smelled it and shook her head and walked back to Frank; he was totally unresponsive the whole time. They look like they're in their early twenties still.
It was strange. Horrifying really.
Madam Longbottom thought it was fascinating. I obviously missed something because I didn't have a clue what was going on. I left pretty soon after that to go back to the room my friends were in.
On a more positive note, Lockhart attacked some tiny woman who was in the Creature Injury ward. She was a newly infected werewolf apparently. That's not the good part. That was actually sort of shitty. The GOOD part is that she killed him. Werewolves in human form actually have traits that carry over, they vary from extra hair to sharper teeth, etc. Lupin grew nearly half a foot taller than he was supposed to, permanent damage from one of his earlier shifts he said.
This little lady, the one Lockhart tired to do gods know what to, (I KNOW what he was trying to do, I just don't want to say the word here. this diary is my only holy place, and I won't have it tainted by that horrible man.). She had enhanced strength. She fucking crushed his throat in when she flipped him off of her. She was sitting against her bed with blood on her hands when the nurses came in.
Kingsley was one of the responding Aurors and he was quick to declare it self-defense, I don't think anybody wanted to spend political capital trying to push through anti-werewolf legislation in defelse of a criminal like Lockhart. Too many of the Wizangamot had children or grandchildren at Hogwarts for them to attempt retribution.
The tiny werewolf woman understandably left the hospital. She had every right to yell at her nurses that they let a dangerous lunatic out and about. I mean, maybe a bit bold coming from a werewolf, but I wish I caught her name so I could send her a thank-you letter.
Dear Diary,
Wednesday
Delphi sent me a letter. She said she wanted to talk to me alone. I don't know what to write back? She said she wanted to know about Tom. Her father. Gods, she even looks like him; I don't know why I didn't see him in her face earlier. They have the same nose, and the same eyes. Otherwise she's all Bellatrix… I don't know what's up with her blonde and blue hair though. Maybe she was a rebellious teen or something? I suppose that excuse wouldn't exactly work now she was well into her twenties? Also, who would she have been rebelling against. None of know a damn thing about her life, not really.
She wants to know what he was like before 'he destroyed himself for power'. I think she was really shaken by seeing him as he is now. Probably more shook by the fact that she actually had to duel him, even if it was brief. I don't think their meeting went at all how she wanted it too. I didn't hear what was said between them because of the barrier she had set up, but they were clearly talking to each other. And by the time the Aurors and Minister arrived…he fled alone, and she was in tears. But she magicked them away before the ministry people saw her devastated expression. I think only me, Pansy, Tonks, and probably Luna saw it. Oh, Harry too. Delphi was unharmed, none of his spells came anywhere near her really, so we knew it wasn't a physical pain.
So she wants to talk to me. I don't think she wants to join HIM. And then there's the whole situation regarding Bellatrix. Gods, how she'll handle that, I have no idea.
But I'm still so nervous. Delphi scares me. She's definitely a human with feelings and shit, but she's also the sadistic sociopath who PUT HER TRENCH KNIFE THROUGH UMBRIDGE'S SKULL like it was nothing, and then threatened to torture Parkinson.
I have no idea what to do about this situation…do I say 'sure delphi, you're welcome anytime!'? Wait, you know what? I think I'll ask I can have someone else there; even if it's just one of my friends. Probably Hermione or Luna. Maybe Tonks or Bill. I don't think I'll want my family to hear what interacting with Tom was like, so Bill's probably out. It's just different when it's family, you know? Of course you do, you're a fucking diary, just paper and leather sewn together by magic and fancy old-timey thread for the aesthetic.
Dear Diary,
Thursday
I talked to Fleur about talking to Delphi. I expressed my fears about how she was casually a violent maniac, and how actually terrified I was that she wanted me to tell her about VOLDEMORT her dad.
Fleur's advice was pragmatic if not encouraging. She basically said that Delphi would probably get the information from me one way or all the others, and the fact that she was asking politely was something I should probably jump on. She didn't even flinch when I described to her what Delphi had done to Umbridge or Pansy. Maybe somebody else had told her about it? Fleur was weirdly optimistic about me seeing Delphi. I'll ask her about it next week, assuming I survived the meeting with Delphi.
So I sent Delphi a letter yesterday saying that we would meet at a pub in muggle London, and that Tonks and Luna would be with me. Luna asked if she could bring Pansy. WHY? Whatever, more witnesses the better I guess? I suppose Pansy isn't the worst. She has been to see Luna most days during her stay in the hospital. They're friends now I suppose. If Luna can get over her being one of the Inquisitorial Squad maybe I can try not to hex her under my breath every few minutes…actually I don't want Luna to hate me, so I'll be on my best behaviour.
Why Pansy said she'd come to a meeting with Delphi of all people was one of the things that baffled me. Tonks on the other hand probably wanted to know her cousin better. She'd never really interacted with that side of her family, for understandable reasons. Andromeda Tonks had met Delphi, I think. And apparently it went as well as could be expected according to Tonks' letter saying she'd be willing to join me today.
Delphi's letter confirmed we'd meet tonight for supper. She casually mentioned there was a 'football game' (whatever the fuck that is. Tonks tells me it's a muggle sport, the most popular one,) on she was also interested in, so the pub setting worked out. She also said she was bringing Bellatrix.
On one hand, I sort of expected that given how things had gone down at the ministry, and then the later talks with the new minister and Amelia Bones, in addition to the Order. Apparently Delphi was either extremely persuasive, or she was easily the most powerful human on the continent. I hope it's the former.
So Tonks is giving me a funny look, Luna and Pansy are watching the 'TV' nearest us. Tonks told me 'The North London Derby' between 'Spurs' and 'Arsenal' was apparently a much-enjoyed fixture, especially in recent years. I suppose I understand why Tonks told me not to wear red. I get the feeling it would not have gone down well with the local crowd, a significant number of whom were decked out in blue and white. Whatever.
I think I just heard an eerily familiar peal of laughter. Albeit much more joyous and high-pitched than I remember from the ministry. Yep. I can see Delphi and Bellatrix crossing the street. Well, I hope this goes well.