Lapse Part I
"Hey Gracie!" He grinned widely, holding his small daughter up before clutching her close to his chest. "I've missed you." Cooing sweetly to her, he was oblivious to Connie's stare. "Look at you, you've grown so much." He held her little arm out as if mentally trying to measure it. She had the cutest head of curls and the most perfect rounded cheeks as she stared at him innocently. "I can't believe how big you are now." He continued to marvel at his seven month old child as Connie watched on. "How has she been?"
"She's fine, she's doing well."
"Sitting? Crawling?"
"Maybe we should get inside first, it's freezing and she hasn't got her hat on-"
"I was thinking maybe I could have her this weekend, if you have no plans of course." He gushed excitedly, normally she'd be irritated with such little breathing room but she and Grace had just returned from Germany after over two months of being away and Sam had obviously missed her. By the looks of it, Gracie had missed her dad too. Regardless, she continued pushing the empty pram towards the hospital entrance as Sam carried Grace along side her.
The wind was cruel today, bitingly icy on the ears and fingers. For some reason Grace protested heavily to wearing hats and would tear them off as soon as she was strapped into her pram or carseat. Luckily she would happily keep gloves on her little hands. Walking ahead, Sam grabbed the door for Connie and let her in before him.
"Thanks, look how about you see her later, I need to get her to the crêche-"
"The crêche? I'm free right now, I could take her for a bit? We won't go far, will we Gracie?"
"Sam." She interrupted abruptly but politely, attempting to stem his excitement before he got too carried away. Instead she had an alternative solution that suited her too. "How about after work, you can take her for a little while, hm?" Her offer was small but he would have been happy with a ten minute baby-sitting slot. "I have a stack of paperwork to get through and could do with her off my hands for a bit." She paused whilst rearranging the pram for Gracie to be put back in. "I still haven't organised a nanny back here yet."
"We'd love that." He cooed happily. "Wouldn't we, Gracie?" He bounced her lovingly, her little head bobbling as smiled at him. "Look at that neck strength, last time I saw her she couldn't even lift her head." He looked at Connie in bewilderment. His true colours as a father shining through immensely, he was one of those parents that celebrated every milestone by the looks of it. In fact, her brow furrowed for a millisecond at the brief thought that he was even close to tears over something so small.
"Great." She smiled as best she could, pulling the pram hood back as a discreet way of asking him to put her back in it.
"Oh right, of course." He gushed, bending down carefully to strap his teeny daughter into the seat. She protested for a few seconds but was soon silent again. "Well, I'll see you later then? Just text me when you need me to come get her."
"That's fine, I'll drop her at yours, you don't have a carseat yet. It'll be about six." She turned the pram, ready to head off down the opposite corridor as Sam began walking away backwards so he could keep marvelling at his daughter. "Oh and uh, nice hat by the way." She raised her brow, referring to the navy blue beanie he was sporting. "I'd lose it if I were you, it's not a great look." Smirking at his embarrassed smile she hooked her handbag over the stroller handles and set off walking at her usual quick pace.
"Actually, that's something I need to talk-"
"Later." She called out behind herself not turning to give him a second glance. "I'm already running behind schedule, sorry." Her words echoed down the long stretch of tiles beneath their feet as she turned and disappeared out of sight. The people milling around were oblivious to his thoughts as his hand dropped down by his side.
"-to you about." He finished his sentence under his breath pointlessly. He didn't know why he was worried about telling her, he wasn't sure if it was the potential for her to see his cancer and treatment as a risk, in terms of him being capable enough to look after Grace. What if he got light-headed and felt faint whilst holding her? What if he passed out, like he'd been doing regularly the last couple of weeks, during the time he was supposed to keeping an eye on her? These were all questions he was positive Connie would be asking straight away and although he worried about these possibilities himself, his primary concern was that he may be running out of time and he wanted to see Gracie as much as he possibly could to make up for not seeing her at all for the last eight weeks.
"You gonna stand there all day, Strachan? Or are you actually gonna do some work this morning?" The thick American accent belonging to Michael Spence appeared from nowhere, he had a habit of surprising Sam of late. Catching him off-guard during his long and thought-filled window staring sessions. He'd normally seek somewhere more private to do it but he'd drifted off into one of them now. "I see your baby mama is back, you guys have a nice catch-up?" He slapped his upper arm in a friendly manner. "How'd she take the cancer news?" His questions were un-filtered and straight to the point, there was no dancing around the topic with him and that was one of the things Sam appreciated so much, however annoying this plastic surgeon was at least there was no pitying stares or soft arm rubs and how are you feeling conversations.
"I haven't told her yet." He offered the fellow surgeon a sideways glance. His pale and sickly face appearing even more worn out under the bright fluorescent lighting. "I'm waiting for the right time."
"And when is that supposed to be?" He pressed nonchalantly. "When you start shedding even more weight? I mean, you already look like Uncle Fester with the ghostly skin and enormous eye-bags, I think she's gonna start noticing these things soon-"
"Tonight, alright? I'm taking Grace for a few hours." He interrupted in an antsy manner before pausing with a clenched jaw. "I'll tell her then."
"Well, I hope it goes as well as it can, given the topic." He straightened his extravagant purple tie with one hand whilst the other slapped Sam's upper arm again as he began walking away. "Oh yeah, when you do speak to Beauchamp again, try and find out if there's a man on the scene would you?" He smirked with a raised brow.
"Nice try, mate." He let a genuine chuckle escape his lips. "She's still not interested in you." This guy was relentless in his attempts to bed Connie. "After all, you're no Sam Strachan." He raised his arms out to the side like an exaggerated shrug.
"Please." Michael scoffed loudly and stopped beside the elevator, smashing the button impatiently as he uttered his crude repsonse. "She was only with you for the perfect child, she'd be with me for the perfect fu-"
"Michael." The lift doors opened to reveal an angered Ric Griffin, his voice booming with frustration. "What the hell are you playing at?" He stepped out of the lift to stand opposite the unbothered American. "You've kept me and the board waiting for almost fifteen minutes now, do you have any idea how this looks?"
"Chill, Ric. I can see the vein in your neck pulsing. We'll just tell them I was dealing with an emergency, it's fine." He gave Sam an eyebrow wiggle before shrugging at Ric nonchalantly and stepping into the lift with Mr Griffin entering after him, shaking his head furiously. Sam couldn't help but shake his head too, not at his tardiness but at the sheer arrogance he exuded. Although likeable in some aspects, he possessed traits that Sam found quite unfavourable too, such as discussing the mother of his child in such a way. For some reason, it just struck a chord with him.
"No." She smiled down the phone, sat at her desk after two longs months of being absent from it. "I've got it sorted, her father's looking after her tonight." There was a delicate silence in her office as she listened to the response on the other end of the call. "You'll just have to be patient then, won't you?" She breathed softly, a sultry smile on her lips until Elliot rumbled through the door like a mini tornado. "Uh, anyway, I'll call you back. Thank you." Quickly hanging up she sat her phone down on the desk top.
"There she is." He bellowed with a small grin. "Back on her throne." She stood to greet him as they exchanged a small but comfortable hug.
"Glad to see you've kept things running smoothly, I hope you're not eyeing up my job?" Pulling away from the embrace, she rubbed his upper arm sweetly. He hadn't changed a fraction, unlike herself. Her hair had grown, now shoulder length, softly waved and framing her face delicately.
"Oh definitely not!" He chuckled, settling himself behind his own desk. "If I'm being honest, I've been counting down the days until your return."
"I don't believe that for a second, you just hate paperwork." She smiled, placing her hands in her grey trouser pockets as she started to make her way to the door.
"Wait, you're not rushing out on to the ward already are you? You've only just got back." His fluffy grey brows pulled together above his glasses frame. He knew she wasn't the sentimental, squishy type like he was but he at least expected a good chat after eight weeks of not seeing her.
"Well, you know what they say, Ellie. There's no rest for the wicked."
"Have you managed to speak to Mr Strach-"
"Of course I have." She sighed. "I hadn't even stepped out of my car and he was behind me, listing off a thousand questions." She exhaled tiredly as Elliot felt his body deflate sympathetically for Sam and his situation that she was obviously unaware of.
"Perhaps you should take-"
"Can this wait? Sorry, I've got a million and one things to get done today without trying to make sure Sam gets his fair share of Grace." She brushed him off quickly, her mind already running through the tasks she had to get done. "I've already agreed to let him see her tonight whilst I catch up on some paperwork, we'll discuss weekly visits then."
"Well that's great." He smiled, his heart warming for Sam. "I'm just saying, perhaps you should take it easy on him, he's not been having the easiest of times since you left-" The words he was speaking trailed off as he studied her, she'd received a text message and was now far too preoccupied with reading it's contents and smiling devilishly to herself. Completely ignoring everything he was saying. He continued to watch her sadly, wondering how exactly she'd take the news when Sam told her. Her voice suddenly startled him from his dark thoughts as she shoved her phone back in her pocket.
"I'll speak to you later, we'll catch up properly at the end of the day, alright?" She was flushed in the cheeks and trying her best to wipe the seductive smile off of her face whilst she spoke to him, oblivious to his previous sentence.
"Yes, of course. I'll talk to you later." Talking quietly, he fell back into his worries as soon as the door closed behind her.
"You can't keep it from her, Sam."
"Look, I didn't say I wasn't going to tell her." He snapped abrasively but quickly let his head drop with regret. "Sorry, Chrissie, I know you're just trying to help but I am tired of everyone talking at me." He locked eyes with her, the white room enhancing his sickly appearance. He'd removed his hat now, his bald head out on show as they sat in the clinic. He'd been put on lighter duties and had been banished to this area of the hospital with the occasional visit from Chrissie on her breaks. Don't get him wrong, he was happy for her support and care but sometimes the nurse in her would take over and he found it hard to handle being treated like a patient whilst on duty. "I will tell her, but I just want to spend some time with Gracie first."
"You think your diagnosis will spook Connie?" She asked worriedly. "And you're concerned she won't let you look after Grace alone." Hitting the nail right on the head, he glanced at her defeatedly but still managed to smile.
"Am I really that transparent?"
"You're almost pale enough to be transparent." She joked, pulling smiles from both of them before she turned serious again. "Don't underestimate her, you never know, she might surprise you." Her head tilted whilst she carried on gazing at him.
"What, she'll feel so bad for me that I'll have unlimited access to Grace." He scoffed with a shake of his head. "No, she's not wired like that."
"How do you know? Are you a mother?" Her stark question caught him off-guard.
"Well, I'm a father-"
"That's not the same, it's just as powerful of course but being a mother is completely different. If I was her and my daughter's father was extremely unwell I'd only have my daughter on my mind. You being unwell directly affects Grace. She's only what, six months old-"
"Seven." He corrected with a smile, still in shock that his baby girl was almost a year old.
"Right, seven months old and she adores you so much already. I couldn't see my child lose that, and I don't think Connie could either." She pressed her lips together upon approaching the sensitive topic of him possibly not making it through this battle.
"I'm going to tell her." He reaffirmed. "But in my own time and when I'm ready." There was a small silence following the gloomy conversation before Sam found it in himself to crack a wise comment. "Besides, when did you become such a supporter of Connie?"
"I admit, we've haven't always seen eye-to-eye but our differences have always been about men and if it wasn't for your kind I think we could have been friendly with one another."
"It's always our fault, isn't it?" He smiled with a small laugh. "Well, if you're quite finished hating on men, I need to get back to this before they say I'm too incompetent to do paperwork as well."
"Don't be daft." She gave his hand a rub before walking away, her ponytail swinging behind her. "Please, consider telling her tonight though, it might work in your favour." Offering him a sympathetic look, he winced at the feel of it. That was the behaviour he was struggling to cope with. He knew his cancer was serious and he had to start thinking about the what ifs soon enough but for now he just wanted to see Grace.
Her first day back went quickly, her return was gladly received by most with the exception of a few small enemies of hers. Things had changed a lot though and she was not favourable of them. She was driving to Sam's and her brain was already ticking over with ways she could return her ward to how it was before she left for Germany. Looking in her rearview mirror, she glanced at a sleeping Grace in her carseat, she was out for the count as soon as she'd strapped her in. Although apprehensive about leaving her with Sam this evening, she trusted him completely. Seeing Grace's face light up as he'd held her made her heart flutter. Nobody apart from herself got that reaction from the small baby and she wanted her to have a father in her life. She'd tried to find him before leaving but had no such luck, in fact she hadn't seen him all day, another change she was unhappy about. Why on Earth would they have a person such as Sam on clinic duties all day? it made no sense other than the extremely likely possibility that he'd pissed off her stand-in replacement whilst she was gone and he'd placed him in there as a punishment. Watching the street numbers as she drove in the dark, she slowed down as she started to approach his house and pulled into the driveway slowly. He was at the door within seconds of her getting out and opening Grace's door to take her out delicately.
"Here, I can grab that." He spoke into the cold air behind her as he motioned to the baby bag in her grasp. In the days leading up to her departure for Europe, they'd been getting on remarkably well and so far it seemed to be carrying over into her return as well. He just prayed it stayed that way.
"Thanks." Handing it to him gently she returned her attention back to Grace, unstrapping her carefully before pulling her out and resting her against her chest. Her small head falling to rest softly on Connie's shoulder as she remained fast asleep. Sam couldn't help but feel his heart swell as he admired her. She was so tiny and delicate, her small curls matched Connie's waves as they mingled together slightly in the wind. He stepped back a bit to let Connie close the car door quietly and press her central locking button. "I'll help you take her in and leave you to it." She spoke softly, pulling Grace's little white cardigan down over her back as it had ridden up in her seat. Her little sock covered feet dangling against Connie's black shirt.
"Yeah, of course." He motioned for her to go ahead and he followed them inside, closing his front door quickly behind them to keep the heat in.
"Sorry, I didn't expect her to fall asleep so quickly." She glanced at him briefly as she wiped her feet on the long mat, his head still covered with a beanie.
"She must be wiped out, I can put her upstairs if you like?" He moved in to take her, half expecting Connie to decline and offer to do it herself but to his surprise she leant towards him and handed her over gently. She stirred for a few seconds in the handover but Connie seemed to have the motherly touch and easily soothed her back to sleep with a few cooing shushes as soon as she was in Sam's grasp. "I won't be a minute." He whispered, cautious not to wake her before he headed for the stairs. He could sense she wanted to speak to him about Grace and her routine so quickly lay her in her cot, switched her monitor on and headed back downstairs again. She remained stood in the same spot, almost as if she was too afraid to move about in his home. "Do you want a tea or coffee before you go?" He offered politely as he reached the bottom of the stairs.
"Oh, no, thank you but I really need to head off." She looked down. "I just have instructions to run through with you before I go." She held up a small piece of paper, it was so typically Connie. Organised and prepared with instructions for him. "I know, I know." She interrupted his thoughts, which were obviously evident on his face. "It's a bit excessive but some of it will be news to you, I just want you to be aware."
"No, no that's fine." He held his arm out, pointing her towards the kitchen as he followed behind her. "You're sure I can't offer you a drink?"
"I'm sure, thank you." She watched him start filling the kettle at the sink as she unfolded her instructions and set them on his table for him. "She'll probably wake up in an hour or two and want feeding, I've put the formula in her bag but she's got an intolerance to lactose we've recently discovered. That's all this is, just a reminder that she can have light, soft snacks but nothing dairy and only the formula I've packed."
"Oh right, of course, I'll read through it in a moment, thanks." He moved towards her and grabbed the note before sticking it to his fridge with a magnet. "That must have caused you some grief?"
"Yes, a few weeks of not knowing what was going on with her but she's right as rain now." She smiled, a blanket of silence falling over them with the exception of the kettle starting to heat and boil on the other side of the room. She quickly glanced down and grabbed her keys as he started to feel the prickly heat brewing under his hat in the warmth of the house, snatching his beanie off he gave his smooth head a rub. "Right, well I'll get out of your hair then-" Finally looking back up at him she was stunned for a second. "Or lack of, should I say." Her eyes widened at the horrific new look. "I see why the hat was necessary now, as awful as it is perhaps you should keep it on."
"Ah, yes." He tried to force a laugh but he could feel his stomach knotting and his chest tightening with the words rising up his throat quickly, he didn't want to say it but he feared he'd lose it and his emotions would get the best of him otherwise. A nasty case of word vomit overcoming him and incredibly quickly at that. "Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about this-"
"You lost a bet and agreed to shave your head?" She smiled, an innocent joke intended to ease the tension between them but it did nothing to cushion the blow she was about to receive.
"I've got cancer."