A/N: Happy holidays! This chapter has been mostly done for like three months, but I got lazy.

chapter seven;
boys don't like girls, boys like awkward family dinners

The first and only time I fell in love was when I was nine. At that time I lived in a group home out in the sticks headed by an old Jewish woman who was way out of her element and had way too many ceramic tchotchkes. You don't get many Jewish people in the upstate, but Mama Golda made her place in one of those double-wide modular trailer homes that had been adapted to house up to ten li'l kinders. She was large and overbearing and particular, but she made latkes for Chanukah and taught us Yiddish slang. She was one of the nicer guardians I've had during my stint in the system. Mama Golda was stern, but not physical. If you didn't make your bed or wash behind your ears well enough or if you ever back talked, she wouldn't hit you, instead she'd take your blankets and clothes and deny you dinner until you earned back your effects one-by-one by tending to her herb garden or massaging her feet or something equally degrading to a kid.

Of the ten kids the state stuck in her care, only one of them dared to be a repeat offender. Her name was Larxene.

She was older than everyone at fifteen and towered above us with a sneer that could make a grown man's knees quake. Larxene hated everyone and everything, and it was her life's mission to make everyone as miserable as she was. She'd fight and steal and run away for days at a time, but no matter how many meals she missed or how many nights she slept on a bare mattress in nothing but her ratty granny panties and a tank-top, nothing could tame the storm. All the other kids feared her, she was the monster that no one could protect them from. But I was enamored. She was blonde and thin and covered in scars that I'm sure spelled out the stories of her misery. What got me, though, were her eyes and her chutzpah.

At nine, I didn't understand the concept of romantic love, but I knew I wanted to make Larxene smile, no matter what it took. I'd follow her around like a lost dog, lapping at her heels hoping she'd take me home with her. She'd scream and yell, throw punches and pull my hair, call me names. But I was unfazed. One day, exasperated, she asked why I wouldn't leave her alone.

"I want you to be my girlfriend," I said.

As if those were the magic words, she cracked a small smile. "Oh yeah? What you know about gettin' girls, huh? Yer jus' a little kid."

"I think you're pretty."

Her smile waned and she was back to the same old emotionally volatile Larxene. "Yer jus' bein' a little shit. I'll beat the piss outta ya."

I threw my hands up defensively. "No, really! You're the prettiest girl I know!"

She punched me. But somehow, it felt different. Less rough. We were turning a corner.

A few weeks later she ran away again, but this time, she never came back.

When I groggily dragged myself to the refrigerator with the intention of up-ending the rest of the milk at ten in the morning, I didn't expect to get a glimpse of Roxas stretching his quads out by the pool from the window above the sink. I paused, holding the jug at an angle towards my mouth, admiring the muscles in his legs and back as he went into an adductor stretch. As much as he aggravated me, as much as it physically pained me to think about him living the life I was supposed to live, I couldn't deny that he was attractive. In a J. Crew, trust fund, summers in Bermuda kind of way, of course. A rich pretty boy.

It'd been a couple weeks since the kissing incident in his bedroom, and we still weren't on speaking terms. He was putting more effort into avoiding me than the effort it would've taken to talk about it and clear the air. He had been spending a lot of time out of the house or holed up in his bedroom, which his parents attributed to stress about finals and left him alone. I had tried speaking to him on a few occasions, but each time he dismissed me with a bullshit excuse or just flat-out ignored me. It was frustrating and I was getting lonely. But the weirdest part of it all, the part that I couldn't explain, is that I kind of wanted to kiss him again. I guess sometimes our desire to be liked outguns our reason.

Outside, he straightened up, held his arms in the air, and then bent over to touch his toes.

"What're you looking at?"

I nearly spilled milk all over the floor when Kairi came up behind me. I clumsily tried to twist the cap back on while simultaneously trying to block the view of the window so that she wouldn't figure out I was staring at her brother's ass in his square-cut swim shorts that clung to him like a second skin. "I was just thinking about laying out in the sun. I want to be tan and gorgeous like you," I said, trying to sound as casual as possible.

"Puh-lease," she said, a smile splayed on her lips from the compliment, "Skin like yours will roast in the sun. You'll come in looking like a lobster, especially with your bright red hair. We won't be able to tell where you start and where you end."

"Well there goes my summer plans," I jokingly grumbled.

She went into the fridge to grab a bottle of water and finally noticed her brother. "Oh, Roxas is home. I haven't seen him in a while."

"Where has he been spending all his time?" I asked her, trying not to sound needy. "Does he get like this often?"

Kairi waved her hand dismissively. "Totally. And I imagine he's been spending a lot of time with either Sora or Xion." I gave her a look like 'I don't fucking know who these people are' and she elaborated. "Sora is his best friend from school and Xion is his girlfriend. They used to come around all the time, but haven't really since…" She trailed off but I knew where she was going. Roxas kept his friend and girlfriend away because he didn't want them to meet me. Me, the physical manifestation of his mother's sins. I was an embarrassment.

"Is Xion a nice girl?" I asked, remembering Roxas whining about his girl troubles not too long ago.

"She's really cool, actually. Too cool for Roxas. They really are an odd match."

"Why do you say that?"

"She's independent and free-spirited. She's not as into school and appearances as Roxas is. Honestly," she said, crossing her arms over her chest with the onset of a devious smile tugging at her lips, "She reminds me a lot of you. Maybe that's why Roxas likes you so much."

I forced out a dry laugh. "Considering Roxas isn't too fond of me, I don't think that's accurate."

"That's just how Roxas is though. He's a real softy beneath his harsh exterior. Like a…" She thought for a moment. "Like an armadillo."

"An armadillo?" I glanced at him out the window, oblivious to us talking about him like gossiping school girls. He dabbed sweat away with a small towel and dropped down for some push-ups. I wondered who he was trying so hard to impress. When you're smart and rich, you don't need washboard abs or a low body-fat percentage. And I doubted his girlfriend held him to high standards while screwing around with other guys.

"Oh, that's right!" Kairi suddenly exclaimed, snapping me from my reverie. "I totally forgot, Xion and her parents are coming over for dinner tonight. That's why Roxas is home."

I quirked an eyebrow. "Really? He arranged this?"

"Doubt it. Mom and dad probably insisted. They're good friends with Xion's parents."

"Oh, well I guess I'll disappear for the night," I deadpanned, not looking forward to more mind-numbing loneliness and boredom.

Kairi looked confused. "You don't want to have dinner with us?"

"I'm invited?"

"Well, duh, you live here. You're a part of this family. I'm sure Xion and her parents will adore you."

"I mean, no one has mentioned this dinner to me, so…"

"Do you have nice clothes to wear?" She asked, steering to subject away from reminders of my displacement. "If not, I'll get mom to take us to the mall in Marion."

I tried to say no, I really did, but no amount of insisting will tame the flames of a teenaged girl who wants to go shopping, and so I sat in the passenger seat of Anastasia's BMW with Kairi's jubilant head poking from above the center console as she fiddled with the dials on the stereo. In an effort to make small talk to fill up our thirty minute drive to the city, Anastasia asked me where I usually bought my clothes.

"I dunno, wherever," I said, because I didn't want to admit that my clothes were either shoplifted, "borrowed", hand-me-downs, or from a clearance section. I looked down and eyed a stain on my v-neck, wondering if it had always been there.

"Don't worry, Axel, I'll help you find something good," Kairi assured me. "Maybe a nice cashmere sweater and some twill chinos. Or some leather. I think you'd look good in some leather trousers."

"I don't want to look like a bondage slave."

"Bondage slave?" Kairi asked and Anastasia shot me a horrified look.

Sometimes it was hard for me to not be inappropriate.

When we got to the mall, Anastasia pulled me aside and handed me an envelope. I quirked an eyebrow at her discretion. "I've been meaning to give you this," she said, "I figure this is the perfect time." Kairi recognized we were having a moment and excused herself to go peer in boutique windows nearby. For being a sheltered kid, she was pretty perceptive.

"Do you want me to open it now?" I asked her. She nodded, and I opened the envelope to find a generic greeting card with a lakeside print on the front. For a moment, my nerves were in overdrive because I was worried that it was going to be some emotional bullshit and I didn't want to cry in the middle of the mall, but when I opened the card and saw the glossy piece of plastic, my feelings became indescribable. The only thing written in the card was: You're a part of this family, Axel. The limit is $10,000.

"A credit card?"

"Everyone has one," she said simply. "I don't want you to be without. You can use this to buy anything you want. Within reason, of course."

I pulled it out of the card and inspected it. My name was printed on the front.

"Are you sure you trust me with something like this?"

"I trust you, Axel. Just be responsible with it, okay? Now go with Kairi to look for clothes and we'll meet back here when you guys are finished."

I nodded dumbly, feeling privileged for the first time in my life.

"They're here, hurry down for dinner!" Kairi exclaimed from the outside of my bedroom door. In the bathroom, I gave myself a once-over in the mirror, wondering why I was so fucking ugly. Too gaunt and narrow, with oily skin and too many tattoos. I decided to tie my hair back in a knot to look less like a washed out rock star. Less out of place.

Despite my hideous face, I was dressed to impress. Very fashionable, at least according to Kairi, who insisted on almost a grand worth of clothes from some trendy designer store I would've sneered at in the past.

I splashed some water on my face and smoothed an eyebrow hair that had gone rogue. I wondered how much Roxas's girlfriend and her parents knew of me. Was I going to be looked down upon? Put on the spot? I cupped some water in my hand, slurped it up, moved it between my cheeks a few times, and spit it into the sink. "Well, let's do this," I sighed to my reflection.

I descended the stairs and made my way into the living room where a well-dressed couple sat on the couch with their legs crossed at the ankles. Anastasia and Mr. Henley sat with them and chatted pleasantly about stocks and money or some shit. "Oh, Axel," Anastasia beckoned, gesturing for me to sit next to her on the sectional. "This is Axel," she said to our guests, her tone not unlike someone showing off their new puppy. "Axel, this is Mr. and Mrs. Beaumont."

"Pleasure," the woman said with a warm smile that looked vaguely familiar. She was younger and of some sort of Asian descent, whereas her stoic husband looked to be in his sixties. I figured she was a mail order bride. I shook their hands and awkwardly looked down at my shoes as they continued to chatter without a second thought. To my relief, they didn't pry about why all of a sudden Anastasia had a new son. Maybe they were briefed beforehand or something.

"Over here, Ax!" Kairi called from the kitchen. She poked her head out from the doorway and bent her finger at me. I was grateful for an escape and politely excused myself and made my way to where she was standing by the sliding glass door that led to the backyard. "You look nice," she said.

"You picked my clothes out so of course I do."

She giggled. "Anyway, I figured you'd want to meet Xion. Her parents are nice and all but they're boring grown-ups. No offense."

"I'm barely a grown-up," I assured her.

"C'mon!" Kairi grabbed my arm and led me outside. Underneath the gazebo in the back corner of the yard, Roxas and his small dark-haired girlfriend socialized in quiet voices. They heard us coming and turned towards us, Roxas looking annoyed and Xion's expression instantly going from welcoming to dread with no transition in between.

And I must've gone through a similar expression metamorphosis as I looked her in the face and connected the dots in my head. This girl was no stranger.

"H-hi," I stuttered out.

Roxas and Kairi were confused as they watched our meeting unfold, oblivious to the fact that not too long ago, she and I got very acquainted in Riku and Naminé's guest room.

"I'm Xion," she said quietly, her tone careful, "You must be Axel. It's nice to finally meet you."

"Yeah," I agreed, "I feel the same way."

I fucked Roxas's girlfriend.

Ivana, the housekeeper who I saw more of than anyone in the family, bustled around the dining room table, making sure everyone's drink glasses were full, before disappearing back into the kitchen to prepare our next course. Mr. and Mrs. Beaumont had brought a bottle of fancy wine as a gift and they were swirling their glasses and sipping it graciously while talking about their recent trip to Italy. Xion and I were seated across each other, and the tension between us was palpable. Occasionally, I'd glance towards her and catch her glancing at me, and we'd both sheepishly look down at our plates. I couldn't stop thinking about her body, her tits, the way she moaned. I was rocking a semi in my slacks throughout the entire first course.

Roxas wasn't a dumb kid, and was suspicious towards our interactions. If he was talking to me, he probably would've demanded what my problem towards his girlfriend was. But he was too busy avoiding confrontation about the kissing incident.

I took another bite of Caesar salad.

A boy whom I kissed and his girlfriend whom I fucked. It was like high school all over again.

"Axel, have you traveled?" Mr. Beaumont suddenly asked me.

"Nope," I said simply, shoving a huge piece of romaine lettuce into my mouth.

"Such a shame," he said, shaking his large balding head. "The world has so much to offer" He turned to Xion. "Sweet pea, what was your favorite country that we've visited?"

"Um, probably South Korea," she said in a small voice.

"Korea? Hmm." His lips flattened into a thin line. "Not enough culture there. I much prefer the European countries." He nudged his wife playfully. "You can take the girl out of Asia but you can't take the Asia out of the girl, am I right?"

His wife, who was probably Korean, forced a smile.

I adjusted my legs under the table and Roxas, who was seated across from me, let out a yelp. "Oops, did I kick you?"

"Yes, you did," he spat. It'd been a while since he directly addressed me in any way and I relished it.

"Sorry, man," I held my hands up in mock surrender. "I underestimated the length of your little legs. My bad."

"You're insufferable," he muttered, just out of earshot of the adults.

At least I'm not a queer in the closet, I callously thought to myself.

Xion looked like she had something to say but she kept it to herself. I wondered if I could sneak her into my pink bedroom later for some sweet hetero love.

The entire table fell into an uncomfortable silence until Mr. Beaumont continued on about the many countries he and his family have visited over the years. Ivana came and took our salad plates and brought us small bowls of a strange thick orange soup. I gave it a smell and grimaced.

"Lobster bisque," Kairi said matter-of-factly, as if she read my mind.

I pushed it away and held down cravings of McDonald's value menu burgers. "I'm allergic to shellfish," I told her, "If I eat this, I'll probably die."

Anastasia, ignoring Mr. Beaumont's tales about his grand adventures in Greece, perked up and raised an eyebrow at me. "Really?"

"Yup, learned that when I was eight after eating popcorn shrimp. I swelled like a balloon and had to be rushed to the hospital. It took them a few hours to get me back down to normal size. I still feel a little puffy to this day. Apparently I have, like, anaphrodisia or something."

Everyone at the table turned to me and stifled their laughter behind cloth napkins.

"What?"

"Anaphylaxis," Anastasia corrected.

"Yeah, that."

Ivana scurried out of the kitchen and took away my bowl of certain death. "Would you like something different, Mr. Axel?"

"No, no. I'm fine. I'll wait for the main course."

The rest of dinner was uneventful. Just awkward glances and questions that hung in the air for a couple seconds too long. Xion retained her terrified disposition, as if I was going to clank a spoon on the side of my glass and announce to the world that we had drunk sex at a party. She squirmed and avoided looking at me for too long, whereas Roxas would stare at me hard when no one was paying attention, as if his eyes could burn a hole where my face is. I would stare back, combatively, because I wasn't the bad guy. He kissed me. His girlfriend fucked me. My mother left me. I was the victim.

Anastasia and Mr. Henley continued to chatter with the Beaumont's after dinner on the patio as the men smoked expensive Cuban cigars. Kairi disappeared upstairs with Xion and Roxas and I tried to help Ivana clean up but I just ended up getting in the way. Ivana was sweet, though, and she told me about her family, specifically her older son, who she said I reminded her of. She smiled so brightly when she spoke of her son. I envied him for it.

When I finally wandered upstairs with the intention to change into something more comfortable, I walked past Roxas's room and heard him and Xion talking through the crack in his door.

"He didn't say anything rude to you, did he?"

"No, he's fine, I'm fine."

"You've just been acting strange since you got here."

"Really, Roxas, I'm okay. I'm just a little stressed about school. Your, uh, brother seems like a nice guy."

"He's not my brother!" Roxas yelled, exasperated. "He's a stain on this family! A leech! A no-good miscreant with stupid hair! I can't stand him! And I'm disgusted how everyone can be so casual about it. He's a criminal, you can see his mug shot on the internet. He assaulted someone, Xion. And he's a burglar and he's on drugs, I saw him do them with his friends. I can't wait to leave for university, so I never have to see him again."

I was used to people voicing their displeasure about me, but somehow this hurt worse. We were fine before the kissing incident, joking around with each other and playing video games and eating chicken salad sandwiches together. Or maybe he was just faking it, I don't know. I stared hard at Roxas's bedroom door, my face warm from anger and embarrassment. He wasn't wrong.

With a small sigh, I opened the door and Roxas and Xion jumped in surprise. "Hey man," I said to Roxas, "Don't worry, you don't have to keep avoiding me. I'm just gonna leave."

"Y-you're going to leave?"

"Why stay when I'm just making everyone around me unhappy and uncomfortable?"

"You can't just leave, Axel."

"Sure I can, and I will," I deadpanned. I turned to go, but before I did, I looked over my shoulder at Xion, who didn't know what to say or do, and said, "Just so you know, babe, your boyfriend has very soft lips."

And then I left and slammed the door behind me. I quickly went into my room and grabbed my wallet and a bag of necessities. I quickly descended the stairs and casted a glance towards the back of the house, where the adults were still on the patio. "Uh, thanks, I guess," I said to them in a voice barely above a whisper.

I was about to walk out the door when Roxas came bounding down the steps. "Don't leave," he commanded. "I might not want you here but mom, dad, and Kairi do."

"I really don't care."

"You don't care about anyone but yourself, Axel."

I scoffed. "Well, aren't you a pot calling the kettle black."

"If you leave, I'll just have to tell mom and dad that you're violating your community service agreement."

"And cause a scene with the guests, I fucking dare you."

He pursed his lips together, knowing I was right. He cared more about appearances than anything else. "Whatever, Axel."

"Are you still upset about the kiss? Is that was this is all about?"

"Will you shut up about that already? I already told you I was sleep deprived and stressed out. Why would I want to kiss you? I can't even look at you for too long without getting slightly nauseous."

"You're such a charmer. No wonder your girlfriend cheats on you."

"Does it feel good, Axel? To use what I told you in confidence against me?"

"I don't know, Roxas. Does this feel good?"

He furrowed his brows and was about to ask what I was talking about, but before he could, I wrapped my arm around him and closed the gap between us. I kissed him, hard. And, surprisingly, he kissed me back. But it wasn't a romantic kiss. It was a kiss for dominance.

After a few seconds, he pushed me away, his cheeks flushed and his chest heaving.

"You're disgusting," he spat, dragging the back of his hand across his lips.

"At least you'll never forget me."

And at that, I walked out of the front door and didn't even bother to close it. Roxas watched as I walked down the driveway and into the murk of the night. I was back to square one.