A Stricken Lament Chapter 8: A Quick-Quotes' Flutter, a harry potter fanfic

A/N: How does Harry Potter keep sucking me back into its abyss? Cursed Child is entirely to blame, seeing as how I spent an all-nighter waiting through 37,000 people (!) to accio a ticket for an August performance of the play. Though it's totally, absolutely worth it! I still can't believe my luck. Anyone else trying to justify a trans-continental trip to London just for this? Where's my fellow obsessive non-European peeps at!

As for the actual fic, this chapter has an odd format. Every section contains snippets from Wizarding Wireless Network shows, newspaper clippings, office memos/minutes, or owl messages/two-way mirrors. There's also a focus on the Potters: more specifically, their married life. Though parts are risqué (-ish), nothing's explicit. It's mainly just, y'know, Ginny being Ginny and Harry being confuddled.

Finally, thank you to all those who've let me know who they'd like to see disappear! I'd especially like to thank morganna12 this chapter, since one of her choices is about to vanish.

"It's a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up."

—Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Segment from Wizarding Wireless Network's Quidditch Queries

Moira Johnson; 27 May, 2007

"Yo, my homies! Wake up, smell the coffee, and prepare to get soaked this oh-so-typical British morning. As you might've noticed, I'm not Quidditch Queries' normal presenter. There's been a coup d'état in the Wizarding Wireless Network's studio, ladies and gents, and I've crawled and bled my way to the top.

"No, but seriously. Lee's on vacation and I'm Moira, his sexier counterpart, here for your entertainment. As well as to impart important information, obviously. For example? If you lot crack open your eyes enough to glance out your window, you'll see a hideous amount of rain slamming against the glass. Either it or my melodic voice from your radio likely woke you up. My bet's on the rain. Not that this is unusual, but it's odd that this is the same no matter where in Britain you currently are. I think only Northern Scotland isn't getting hit by this storm, and if that isn't hilarious I don't know what is. For once in their lives, people in Aberdeen are looking at their unnervingly sunny weather and cackling at us.

"Alas, there is more to life than storm clouds—least, that's what I think my producer's furiously mouthing at me. He's also dramatically pointing at a Prophet headline, as though I haven't already gotten the hint. Alright, alright! News rundown, peeps. While you were sleeping, Puddlemere United announced their next season's line-up. The main controversy around that is how they've snatched up Demelza Robins from the Appleby Arrows. No news on how the former contract was voided, but rumour has it the Arrows' Head Coach was bellowing furiously at the Ministry's Department of Magical Games and Sports.

"But this won't be the Quidditch news at the tip of everyone's tongue. We've had word that Roger Davies, Head Coach for the Falmouth Falcons, went missing from his Edinburgh home three days ago. Last to see him was his fiancée Cho Chang. Senior Auror Ron Weasley, in charge of the case, declined to comment to reporters by citing that this was an ongoing case. Chang and family of Davies have also been silent, giving a single statement through their lawyer requesting privacy. But bits of news have leaked out. An inside source has revealed that Davies' disappearance might have nothing to do with his stunning but controversial lead of the Falcons' to Quidditch fame. The source also had an insight as to why the Aurors rather than the hit-wizards were looking into this. A possible link has developed between this case and the earlier disappearance of Charlotte Fawcett, who went missing from Hogsmeade in April. With this, Fawcett's parents have renewed their public pleas for information concerning their daughter.

"That's enough speculation for today, folks. Especially when our first guest this morning is the brilliant Elizabeth Szilvassy, Keeper for the Tutshill Tornados. With her setting the League aflame, breaking Keeping records left and right, and speaking out in support of non-humans like herself, this girl's making us all look bad. Eliza, lovely to meet you. First up, I've gotta ask. As a half-vampire, are you freaking gleeful on overcast days like today?"

Bumps and Babies! — Miranda Rotchill

Witch Weekly; 28 May, 2007

All of us at Witch Weekly are just giddy, because baby fever's catching! The number of bump-watches is making us think something's in the water. Which, to be fair, wouldn't be that stunning. I think we all remember the Amorentia-spiking of 2003! I know I'll never look at pumpkin juice the same way, though I can't think of a better way to ring in the new year.

With so many bundles of joy springing out of the trenches, it was hard to decide which photo to use this week. But we couldn't resist this adorable photo of the Potter family on a recent outing in Diagon Alley. With so few pictures released of their children, it's a delight to see this candid captured moment. Aren't they precious? Seeing Harry Potter give his toddler James a piggy-back ride while holding his godson Teddy Lupin back from racing off will make many witches (ourselves included) coo at the cuteness. Baby Albus, held by Ginny Potter, can't be properly seen in this photo as the poor dear's wrapped up against the evening's chill. Also, do you see Mrs. Potter's baby bump? It's crystal clear in this photo even though she's only a few months along! Does this spell twins?

The Potters aren't the only ones expecting. Indeed, their extended family's bursting with new babes! Unspeakable Audrey Weasley looks just about ready to pop (with suspicions that big sister Molly II was throwing a tantrum about the new baby), and George and Angelina Weasley have been spotted around with their newborn Roxanne and three year old Fred II. But the big news this week is Ron and Hermione Weasley. Frankly, it's rare that we let an issue pass without mentioning their adorable little Rose Weasley. But a little birdie (or should we say stork?) has told us they're having their second child! They're expecting the babe in late November and, as basic arithmetic tells us, have been sitting on this information for a bit. We at Witch Weekly want to give the couple our congratulations! We also wouldn't mind if Mrs. Weasley shared her secret as to how she keeps so fit.

Our favourite heroic family aside, socialite Amelia Gladrags has just given birth to triplets. Triplets! How will this single mum do it? Maybe she'll share nanny advice with her best friend, Lucretia Botts, who is now overdue by two weeks…

Remembrance: The 10th Anniversary of the Second War — John Smith

Daily Prophet; 30 May, 2007

This morning the Ministry of Magic released a statement with their plans for a year-long remembrance of the Second War, a decade after its end! This news comes with the announcement that the first event will be a candlelight vigil on the 24th June to mark the anniversary of Lord Voldemort's return to life, Harry Potter once again escaped his clutches, and the Second War began. This year-long remembrance will finish just under a year from now on the 2nd of May 2008, with the memorial marking ten years since the final battle at Hogwarts. Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt released this statement and will followed with a press conference later this week, in conjunction with Reginald Ripley (Director of the Ministry's Public Information Services and Chairman of the Tenth Anniversary Memorials Committee). The Minister proclaimed his support of this prolonged event, citing it as necessary not only for closure but also to ensure that the events of Lord Voldemort's rise and fall of power are not easily forgotten. From the brief descriptions, it seems that the major ceremonies will correspond with the main events in not only the Second War, but some of the First as well (they will thus correspond with dates rather than a strict year chronology). The ceremonies and memorials with pivotal speakers will be scattered throughout the year, ranging from a gala in the Ministry the 18th of June (commemorating the Battle of the Department of Mysteries), a memorial to Albus Dumbledore at Hogwarts 30th June, a boisterous party at the Ministry the 1st of August (the date of Voldemort's take-over of the Ministry in 1997), to a time of silence for the first execution of a muggleborn by Pius Thicknesse's administration.

This plan is already drawing in support of its historical importance and bittersweet celebration of how far our nation has come. However, one significant voice of opposition has already appeared. Head Auror Harry Potter—the Boy Who Lived, Man Who Conquered, and defeater of Voldemort—gave a scathing public protest to this. He had previously agreed to speak at the memorial at Hogwarts on 2nd May, but has now cancelled that appearance in protest of what he calls: "a ridiculous mockery of the war. They're using it as a blasted excuse to host galas and parties! I've mainly been supportive of Minister Shacklebolt's policies, but I can't believe he agreed to this. Let people mourn without getting idiotic politics involved."

This protest was likely the result of Minister Shacklebolt's announcement that there would be a Halloween Gala at the Ministry to celebrate the end of the First War. This was, of course, the date that marked Head Auror Potter's survival of the killing curse and his parents' murder by Lord Voldemort. Shacklebolt's statement hinted that Potter might speak at this event, but the Wizarding Hero made it clear he would have nothing to do with it.

Hermione and Ron Weasley (Director of Magical Law Enforcement and Senior Auror, respectively), haven't yet made statements. But they were reportedly seen angrily leaving the Minister's office, so it's likely they are of a similar mind to their best friend and brother-in-law.

From: Hermione Weasley

To: Harry Potter

Harry, I understand. I really do. But you need to calm down and be rational about this. We both know that holding a press conference was unnecessary. I'm sure you can convince Kingsley to cancel the event on Halloween by agreeing (again) to speak at the memorial at Hogwarts. It's something that you even wanted to do! You wouldn't lose anything out of this deal. Ron and I have already spoken to the Minister and he's willing to compromise to get you onboard.

So, yes, this is silly and largely a waste of time. But some of the plans for memorials are actually rather good, and we always knew there would be something to mark the 10th anniversary. Just talk with Kingsley about the specifics and try to be open-minded. Most importantly: please don't hex Ripley again. We all know you're behind the tentacles.

From: Ron Weasley

To: Harry Potter

Look mate, I get it. This whole thing's bs. And, sure, you went a bit mad holding a press conference (really?), but we've all been there. Completely justifiable.

If Hermione asks, I tried to convince you to 'come to your senses' and go along with the Ministry's plans. But honestly, I say keep going with the protest. I swear this isn't (only) because I want to see you embarrass yourself. Shacklebolt has gone around the bend, what with listening to that stupid git Ripley. I say keep screaming at reporters about this to your heart's content!

From: Harry Potter

To: Hermione Weasley and Ron Weasley

Hermione, I'm not giving into this charade. It's the principle of the thing! Bad enough they're making it last all year, but they want me to celebrate that Halloween. Celebrate it! Ripley had the nerve to ask me to make a speech about 'my heroics' when I was a baby: "Though, Mr. Potter, you might want to gloss over the delicate matter of your parents' deaths. Best to keep the mood bright." I'd like to see you keep your temper. Also, did you see that rubbish statement he and Shacklebolt put out? They're making it a party! 'Memorial' my arse.

Ron, I'm not shouting at reporters and getting myself demoted…though, good try, I'll give you that. But shove off, you aren't helping. Also, shouldn't the two of you be working? You do realise we're trying to run a department here, yeah? So stop getting on me about my promotion (Which I like! Shut it Ron! And yeah, you're still stuck with McLaggen!) or bugging me about the Ministry's newest idiotic idea (Which I'm not going to support! Hermione, you aren't convincing me otherwise).

Vanished Into Thin Air — Emmanuel Stevens

Daily Prophet; 3 June, 2007

Head Auror Harry Potter yesterday announced that his department was investigating a series of missing person cases. This comes at the tail of the disappearance of Lucretia Botts, heiress of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Botts' status became known when her newborn son, Tyler Botts, was found crying in Surrey's Surbiton Station. An inside source in the Ministry has told the Prophet that muggle CCTV had captured Miss Botts disappearing right from her seat while waiting for a train. The small child was left to slide to the floor. He was soon after found: poking at dead moths and Flitterbies, unaware that his mother had vanished. Though Tyler is unhurt and with his father (Albert Fleming, divorced from Botts), the whereabout and state of Miss Botts is unknown.

Senior Auror Ron Weasley is in charge of this case (with Auror Cormac McLaggen assisting). He is also leading the investigations on the disappearances of Charlotte (Lottie) Fawcett and Roger Davies. With Head Auror Potter's announcement that the three cases are somehow linked, worries are already sweeping the nation. There is little need to remind any of how rare it is for wizards or witches to 'disappear without a trace'. We at the Prophet wish the best for those affected, hope that the Aurors will swiftly bring the perpetrators to justice, and as ever remind our readers to be careful.

Worth a Thousand Words — Romilda Vane

Witch Weekly; 10 June, 2007

It's the picture that's bringing a nation to a halt. Charlotte (Lottie) Fawcett earlier this Spring was a shy inventor at Weasleys' Wizarding Wheezes, fresh out of Hogwarts and dreaming of what would come next. But this young beauty could have never foreseen that she would become the face of one of the most insidious crimes since the First and Second Wars.

A spree of disappearances across the United Kingdom have brought Wizarding Britain to an uproar. It began with Fawcett's capture in June, but is now linked to possibly as much as a dozen vanishings and become one of the Aurors' top priorities. Though famous names such as Falmouth Falcons' Head Coach Roger Davies and socialite Lucretia Botts have also fell victim, the iconic image with the crimes is one now familiar to us all: Fawcett at her Hogwarts' graduation, her father's proud arm wrapped around her shoulders, laughing carefree as her black robes and long hair whipped around her short gold dress.

This photo's fame didn't come instantly. The picture gained popularity slowly, on the cover on magazines when her disappearance was still fresh, then being pushed to the middle of the Daily Prophet, and only now, as the terror mounts, has it moved up page by page. The giggling, innocent graduate has resonated with many. Some emotions are uncouth: from boys lusting after her bare legs, to the minor controversy over if Fawcett's mother was getting funds for 'selling' the photo to some publication. But most of us worry for the 'girl next door' while the worried populace are starting to gaze at this cheerful girl and wonder if they could be next.

Also, uncouth or not, commentators are beginning to hoist up the photo as proof of the Ministry's incompetence. For as the number of missing mount, murdered beasts continue to shock London, and the Aurors remain oddly quiet on this matter, many of us are starting to wonder. While the Ministry is celebrating the anniversary of Voldemort's demise, are they ignoring a new Dark Lord in our midst?

Fashion or Folly? — Miranda Rotchill

Segment from Witch Weekly and Wizarding Wireless Network; 19 June, 2007

"Hello, lovelies! Welcome to 'Fashion or Folly?' brought to you by Witch Weekly and WWN. This week, all are abuzz about the 'Unspeakably' wondrous Ministry of Magic gala. Having taken place yesterday in the Department of Mysteries, the event was part of the Ministry's year-long remembrance of the Second War. This gala marked the anniversary of the public revealing of Lord Voldemort's rebirth. Current Head Auror Harry Potter had actually been proclaiming that Voldemort was alive for a year, but was disbelieved until the Dark Lord himself made an appearance in the Ministry itself.

"But this gala was hardly dreary. Storming with everyone from Wizengamot members to star-studded socialites, the evening featured speeches by those who were in the Ministry that day alongside a surprise concert by the luminous Hog's Boils! The fashion was, admittedly, hit-and-miss, but there were some stand-out performances.

"Front and centre were the Longbottom and Scamander families, as Hogwarts Professor Neville Longbottom and famed magizoologist Luna Scamander were two of the students who partook in the Ministry battle against the Death Eaters. Professor Longbottom opted for muggle attire, keeping it slick and simple with a tailored black jacket over a hemmed shirt and admittedly scruffy trousers—had the Herbology teacher been gardening right before showing up? His wife, Hannah Longbottom, cut a stunning path in an elegant dress: a strapless yellow number draped with delicate black lace.

"Unlike the Longbottoms, the verdict is still out on the Scamanders. Mrs. Scamander's bubbly smile was a welcome sight, but her blue Victorian gown left something to be desired. Particularly as the bursting hems had a nasty habit of nibbling on passerbys. Her husband, equally famed magizoologist Rolf Scamander, didn't seem to have understood this was a gala. Or is his idea of a black tie outfit a costume of Sherlock Holmes? Is this because the couple are consulting on the Aurors' hideous cases of dissected magical creatures? Whatever it may be, the 'interesting' couple spent much of the evening bustling up and down the dance floor, peering in corners and beneath tables with Mr. Scamander's large magnifying glass. When asked what they were looking for, they quite neatly replied that they weren't about to give up a perfectly good opportunity to search the Ministry for 'Heliopaths'—whatever they might be.

"Almost as interesting as the guests were the ones who did not make an appearance at the event. Mr. Potter has been critical of the Ministry's plans since the year-long anniversary was announced. So, it is unsurprising that he, his wife (Prophet reporter Ginny Potter), and his best friends Ron and Hermione Weasley (Senior Auror and Director of Magical Law Enforcement, respectively) did not come to the gala. In fact, the only Weasleys spotted was Senior Undersecretary to the Minister, Percy Weasley, and his wife, Unspeakable Audrey. Both looked queasy as soon as the speeches gave way to the Hog's Boils, and soon after made a quick exit.

"Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt has been largely silent on the recent rift between him and Mr. Potter, claiming that it is wholly the 'Man Who Conquered''s right to face the anniversary of the Second War however he wishes. All I know, dear listeners, is that the four war heroes and heartthrobs were horribly missed at the gala. This is only partly due to fashion icon Mrs. Potter's stunning sense of style—don't we all remember that itsy bitsy emerald green dress from her's and Mr. Potter's engagement photos? I swear, I didn't last a week before giving in and buying a knock off…saying nothing of how quickly copies of her wedding dress flew off the counters."

To: Miranda Rotchill, of Witch Weekly

From: Ginny Potter, from Daily Prophet headquarters

As I've told everyone else: nope, not giving a comment about any Auror case. As for the Ministry gala, I didn't go because my husband and I both felt it was making a mockery out of the war. Your coverage of the evening proved as much. If there's an actual memorial, Harry and I might be there.

That aside, I'm not sure whether to thank you for calling me a 'fashion icon' or recommend you get your eyes checked. Have you missed how many of my outfits are mismatched and covered with baby drool? Or that my engagement and wedding photos you referenced in your programme were both leaked to the press: specifically to Witch Weekly and your column, if I remember correctly.

Finally, you should be glad Luna and Rolf had taken it upon themselves to search for Heliopaths. Or would you prefer the Ministry be overrun with ferocious fire demons at the next gala? Might spice things up a touch.

Shackle-Not? — John Smith

Daily Prophet; 28 June, 2007

Election season is beginning early this year, and the candidates for Minister of Magic have never been more controversial. This is a stunning turn of events, as even a few months ago it would have been assumed that popular Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt would have no serious competition. Running for his third term, though the current Minister still has a healthy lead he's falling in the polls with each passing day.

Shacklebolt was once viewed as a competent and down-to-earth figure, having solidified this reputation when he served a term as Interim Minister of Magic and a second elected term as Minister after the Second War (from 1998-2002 and 2002-today, where Rufus Scrimgeour (deceased) and Pius Thicknesse (incarcerated) both served in 1997). Shacklebolt was also who inaugurated the public election system for the office in 2002 as, previous to that, the Minister of Magic was not an elected position. It seemed, for a time, that Scrimgeour could do no wrong. This was boosted by his crucial role in the Second War and his close friendships with other war heroes.

The issue rests in how Britain is rapidly losing confidence with the Minister. London has been on edge for months as an escalating amount of murdered magical creatures are appearing in the city centre. More worryingly, with each passing day numerous witches and wizards across the United Kingdom have been vanishing into thin air. Though the Ministry has been proclaiming that its Magical Law Enforcement and the Auror Corp are working night and day to bring these criminals to justice, the lack of progress is beginning to seem inexcusable.

At a Ministry Protest March last week in Manchester, the dark horse candidate for Minister took the stage. Wizengamot member Cornelius Fudge (who served as Minister of Magic from 1990-1996) was cheerful at the turn-out, but proclaimed his dismay at the "shambles" the Ministry has become since the end of his tenure.

"Shameful, is what it is!" Fudge rallied the crowd to great cheers. "Our once proud government is coasting by, living off of by-gone days. It is one thing to honour the heroes from the last war, but it is high time we stopped worshipping them! They cannot use their fame as an excuse to coast by and let our nation fall into shambles. Shacklebolt has had his day, nepotism has had its day: it is high time WE HAD OUR DAY!"

Fudge was, of course, referencing Shacklebolt's (in)famous close friendship with Head Auror Harry Potter and the Weasley family. But this friendship is battering at Shacklebolt from both sides. While many now doubt the Minister's as well as the Aurors' competence, supporters of Potter (many of whom have even wished that Potter himself would run for Minister) are also distancing themselves from Shacklebolt. This is because of the recent public dispute between the two: Shacklebolt has been supporting a year-long memorial for the Second War while Potter has protested these plans, calling the 'memorials' mere excuses to have galas.

Whatever the case, the November election is gearing up to be a tight race. The outcome might wholly depend on how quickly the crime sprees can be brought to a close and how the Shacklebolt/Potter dispute works out.

Terror in the Streets! What's Wrong With the Ministry? — Scarlett James

Daily Prophet; 7 July, 2007

With the number of missing wizards and witches mounting, and with Londoners increasingly on edge as more and more butchered magical creatures are found in their city, criticism has come down heavily on the Ministry of Magic. While the Auror Department is in charge of both the crime sprees, next to no developments have been announced. Indeed, there have been few press conferences for either concern, and even fewer suspects have been brought in for questioning.

Senior Auror Lisa Turpin (in charge of the magical creatures' killings) and Senior Auror Ron Weasley (in charge of the investigation of the missing people) have come under attack for their relative quiet, both citing that they cannot comment of these ongoing cases. Also under scrutiny is Head Auror Harry Potter. Weasley's former partner, they each have impressive solved records of field cases (as does Turpin). The issue most have raised is that Potter only became Head Auror this past January, only being Deputy Head for a short period before former Head Gawain Robards retired. With this, Potter became the youngest Head Auror in history (paralleled by his earlier honour of being the youngest recipient of the Order of Merlin First Class in modern history). Potter's post was initially met with enthusiasm, due to his previous stunning record as well as his famous role in the Second War as the defeater of Lord Voldemort. But now, in the face of the Aurors' failure to stop these heinous crimes, we have to wonder if Potter is truly up to the job.

Another note raising eyebrows is the nepotism that has flooded the Ministry of Magic. It has escaped no one's notice that the positions of power have been flooded by heroes of the war—many of whom are either good friends or related to each other. This has been abundantly seen in Britain's law enforcement, where the Director of Magical Law Enforcement is Hermione Weasley, wife to Senior Auror Ron Weasley—their brother-in-law and best friend is none other than the Head Auror and 'Wizarding Saviour' himself. In addition, Minister Kingsley Shacklebolt has close ties to all three of them and, though there have been rumours of a falling out between Potter and Shacklebolt, it is unsettling. In fact, it would almost be simpler to list who in the top tiers of the Ministry isn't in the Weasley/Potter family or a close family friend. We the public were willing to abide by this so long as it was clear that the Ministry was running smoothly, but the shambles in the Auror Department ought to give all pause.

Hey, miss you.

Now you're laughing at the page, which was my nefarious plan! Go ahead, laugh, I know I'm being silly. Not like I didn't see you this morning. But I'm getting the sense you'll miss dinner tonight, hence this message.

Now you're frowning guiltily at the page. Don't, you dunderhead, it's fine. I know how much pressure you're under and I just want to help. So: no matter what horrid crimes pass your desk, keep in mind that I love you. I. Love. You. No matter how bad this day, week, or month gets, I know a perfect way to make things better. See, whenever you get home tonight, I'll still be up (you aren't the only one with a backlog of work). And sure, we could go to bed and catch up on some sleep.

Or you could unbutton my blouse. I could take off your jacket and you could hastily rip off your shirt. You could grasp me around my hot, naked midriff, kissing my every freckle as I slither out of my tight skirt. Then? Well, you could find out whether I'm wearing knickers today. Try investigating that, Mr. Youngest-Head-Auror-Ever.

As you're 'working' on that mystery, I could find out where your golden snitch tattoo's hiding.

See? Today's not that horrible, now is it.

Miss you too.

But you have awful timing: I got your owl mid-meeting with Shacklebolt! Was already awkward enough, but then I had to stammer out some awful excuse as to why I started beaming while he was talking about dead unicorns.

How am I supposed to concentrate knowing you're waltzing around the Prophet without knickers! You enjoy torturing me, don't you? So you know, Mrs. Potter, you're an insufferable minx. But don't worry, after your note I'll make sure not to be home too late.

To double-check: you're picking up the boys from mum's, yeah?

Have a minute?"

"Yeah, but only just. Hey, I was expecting another owl—"

"Un-sexy git!"

"Pardon?"

"Yes, I'm picking up the boys. But did you have to ruin the mood? I was going for a mysteriously risqué message, then you brought up the kids! The screaming, shouting kids who've dried up our sex lives!"

"Ah, okay. Are you just forgetting about yesterday?"

"Banging in my office doesn't count!"

"Of course it counts."

"We've been reduced to doing it at work! At my work! In my office, which is literally surrounded by reporters! That can't end well."

"True. Still, not much better to risk a trigger-happy Auror hearing one of us…you know."

"Scream in ecstasy?"

"…you aren't still surrounded by reporters, right?"

"Jammed myself in a closet for the call."

"Look Ginny, you're overreacting. When we're home tonight I'll, ah, figure out if you're wearing knickers."

"You're whispering. How many people are in the room with you?"

"Tonnes. Could we talk about this later?"

"In that case, Mr. Potter, I want you to know I'm most definitely missing a few articles of clothing. I'm also feeling all stiff. Think I need someone to…loosen me up. Make me scream louder than a mandrake, if you know what I mean. Then I could return the favour by, oh, polishing a broom? Because love, you know I'll be your Chosen One…"

"Stop! Ginny, you don't understand. Hermione and Shacklebolt are right behind me and I can't—"

"And I'll find that stubborn tattoo of yours, oh I will. I don't care where it's flown. I'll lick every inch of…Harry? Harry? Yoo hoo! You still there?"

Rough draft: Baked Into Pies? — John Smith

Daily Prophet; to be published 21 July, 2007

In a parody brought to horrifying life, a recent development has raised a ghastly suggestion as to what has happened to the missing wizards and witches. Has Sweeney Todd come to London?

This previous Sunday, renowned seamstress and war hero Parvati Patil disappeared in front of two witnesses from her Diagon Alley shop, 'Patil's Patterns'. The witnesses were clients of hers and immediately alerted the Ministry, informing the Aurors as well as the Prophet that they'd heard no screams and seen no spells. Patil had simply vanished mid-sentence.

The shop was quickly evacuated as Aurors closed off the scene. Though Senior Auror Ron Weasley (who is leading the case) remained inside, his partner Auror Cormac McLaggen was willing to talk. This was stunning, due to the 'no comment' attitude Weasley has continued throughout this spree.

"Making headway? I wish," Auror McLaggen told reporters in front of 'Patil's Patterns'. He'd just come out of Delicatessen's Bakery next door and was munching on a steak pie between sentences. "The leads are rubbish. We've questioned some blokes, but it's eery as all hell. Nothing sticks, know what I mean? Even if we get the guy, doubt we'd have anything but circumstantial evidence."

He was then asked if they had any theories as to what had happened to the missing people.

"Dead, most like," McLaggen said, wiping a few crumbs off his uniform. "Know how hard it is to hold—what is it, a dozen wizards now? Mighty hard. Don't see why these buggers would bother. If you ask me, it's a matter of time before we start finding the bodies." He paused, letting out a guffaw haw and waving his lunch. "Who knows? Maybe they've been baked into pies! Right good way to hide the evidence."

It was shortly after this that Senior Auror Weasley spotted what was happening and rapidly ended the impromptu press conference. Growling at suggestions that a 'Sweeney Todd' persona was behind the crimes, Weasley called the entire thing complete rubbish. Vanishing McLaggen's unfinished pie in anger, Weasley dragged him back into the crime scene.

Admittedly, the horrific suggestion about the meat in pies was likely meant as an off-cuff joke. But Senior Auror Weasley's immediate denial of this (as well as his outrage towards his partner for revealing such) suggests something far more heinous.

Notes from Emergency Meeting, 20 July, 2007, Merlin Meeting Hall. The Head and Deputy Aurors, all Senior Aurors, and some Aurors present. Unofficial minutes taken by Orla Quirke, only Junior Auror lucky enough to sit in. Meant for a personal exercise: not for public view. That means YOU, Senior Auror Weasley (sir)! Stop reading my notes! You are aware of what personal property means, hmm?

Head Auror Harry Potter stood at the front, thin-lipped but with a neutral expression. His green eyes were positively sparkling [Is that natural? Doesn't matter: I could stare into those eyes for ages]. He seemed pretty annoyed, like he was going to hex someone. Wonder if that happens a lot?

"A spree of missing people," Potter began softly. The room instantly hushed, it was amazing, "is horrible enough as is. What I want to know? Which of you decided it was a bright idea to push the press into an even bigger panic!"

A confused silence fell. Holy eff, Potter's really ticked off. It's this calm, terrifying fury sort of thing. No wonder Voldy was scared of him!

"Ah, Harry?" Susan [Drat: Deputy Head Susan Bones, duh] said. But she was cut off.

"You know an advantage to being married to a Prophet reporter?" Potter continued, voice still soft, calm, and sexy. "I've gotten a sneak peek at tomorrow's headlines. Seems the Prophet's decided to call the kidnapper 'Sweeney Todd'. Anyone want to hazard a guess why?"

Silence. Again. Everyone's still terrified of being hexed.

A single hand rose, as though we were back in school [I can't blame him]. Potter sent Senior Auror Dmitri Szilvassy a pointed look.

"Because they're calling the creatures' killers the 'Rippers'?" Szilvassy tried, lowering his hand.

"Good guess. Completely wrong," Potter said sarcastically. "How about I rephrase my question? Which of you thought it'd be a grand idea to tell reporters that not only are all the missing dead—oh no. That their corpses had then been made into pies! Bleeding pies! The sort you eat!"

Holy flip.

Senior Auror Ron Weasley gave an hysteric giggle [Correction: Senior Auror Weasley took an ILLEGAL look through my notes and claims he gave a very manly, humourless chuckle, which was solely at Potter's expense rather than the victims']. He stopped it after a moment, but it was enough for him to get on the receiving end of Potter's incredulous glare.

Potter hissed. "Are you f—"

"It wasn't me," Weasley cut off the rant before it turned violent. "Yeah, I've been messing with you. But do you honestly think I'd joke about what might've happened to these people—let alone joke about it to the press?"

There was a tense pause before Potter relaxed. Though he continued to look at Weasley scrutinisingly.

"You know something," Potter said, gaze narrowing. "You know who…oh."

Weasley shrugged. The rest of the room remained lost—though more than a few of us were sad the latest Potter/Weasley fight didn't look like it'd result in a brawl or a snog. There are rather a lot of bets on that, you see. I have twenty galleons that they'll 'get over' the sexual tension by October.

[Again, as Senior Auror Weasley ILLEGALLY stole a peek at my notes (I don't have song lyrics in here: there's no conspiracy, we're just talented!) I'm required to write a correction: I fully understand that Potter and Weasley are both happily married (note: not to each other), are both straight, and that while I'm technically allowed to cherish yaoi fantasies about my bosses, I'm not allowed to bet on such. Nor can I spread any of that as gossip as I'd be a horrible person to do so. Finally, I want to note that Senior Auror Weasley is a prude, is adorably cute with his wife but is obviously obsessed with Potter (do I sense a threesome?), and that he ought to be pleased us recruits are writing about his arse].

[Not that I write about your arse, sir. Or Potter's. Or both. Or other shapely body parts, as it were].

[Senior Auror Weasley AGAIN looked at my notes. So now I have to write that the 'Golden Trio' isn't having ravenous threesome sex, and that I'll stop writing gossip and/or erotic fiction about my hot bosses].

[Senior Auror Weasley clearly doesn't understand the concept of private property. Because of this, I also have to explicitly state that I was joking, no erotic fiction exists, and even if it did I wouldn't spread it to my coworkers and/or the press, for moral as well as legal reasons].

[Sexy spoilsport].

"He didn't?" Potter said weakly, apparently not caring to explain. "How'd he even get to pies?"

"There was a pie shoppe," Weasley answered. "In his defence, it was meant to be a joke. A stupid joke told to some reporters."

Senior Auror Lisa Turpin coughed. "For those of us who can't read each other's minds?" Thank you!

Weasley snorted. Potter sent him another glare, then addressed the rest of us.

"Seems McLaggen made an idiotic joke, so now we have to deal with imaginary cannibalism," Potter gritted out. A quick peek around told me Auror Cormac McLaggen wasn't in the room. "In other news, if anyone wants to switch jobs with me…"

Weasley gave a beam at this, but before he could speak Szilvassy's face had burst into a terrifying grin.

"It's priest," Szilvassy sang, turning to his partner Auror Su Li. She also seemed delighted. "Have a little priest! Is it really good? Sir, it's too good, at least."

"What?" Potter deadpanned. He'd clearly never seen a musical in his life: poor guy. This was when Li also burst into song. Bless them both.

"Awful lot of fat only where it sat," Li sang, "haven't you got poet, or something like that?"

"No, y'see the trouble with poet is," Szilvassy grinned, ignoring the rest of the room, "'ow do you know it's deceased? Try the priest."

"Lawyer's rather nice," I couldn't help but jump in. Potter and Weasley sent me twin exasperated looks [Is this why my notebook keeps getting grabbed for 'random inspections'?]. Szilvassy and Li beamed at me. "If it's for a price. Order something else though, to follow, since no one should swallow it twice."

"You have a lovely voice," Szilvassy commented, halting the song. "Mezzo-soprano?"

"Thanks," I absolutely didn't blush. "And yeah, sure. Whatever you think."

Weasley was blinking at us (along with the rest of the room, except for the few humming along). "The hell was that?"

"Sweeney Todd, you uncultured swine," Li sniffed. "A brilliant song about the tastes of different professions baked into pies!"

Szilvassy was partly more helpful. "It's a musical by Stephen Sondheim. Rather good, I highly recommend it. It's playing in the West End right now, so easy to catch. If not, we'll happily sing the rest of the songs. That one, so you know, is 'A Little Priest'. Get it? A little piece of priest pie? Priest baked into the pie? Hilarious, I know."

Potter slowly closed and reopened his eyes, taking in a massively deep breath. He's overdramatic like that. "I repeat: if anyone wants my job, I'm sick of dealing with this madhouse."

"Well you—"

"Shut it, Ron."

"If you're British and royal," Szilvassy began again (and was met with cheers and groans—rather more groans than cheers, unfortunately), "you might enjoy Royal Marine. Anyway, it's clean. Though it tastes of wherever it's been!"

"Is that squire on the fire? Mercy no sir, look closer. You'll notice it's grocer," I couldn't resist.

Potter looked slowly from one of us to the next, rubbing his forehead as though holding back a headache. Oops. "The hell's wrong with you people?"

"Now, let's see. Here we've got tinker," Li kept singing. Holding up an imaginary piece of pie, she 'tossed it' to Szilvassy.

Szilvassy 'sniffed it' then threw it away. "Something pinker."

"Tailor?" Another pie slice. Another rejection.

"Paler. Butler?"

"Subtler. Potter?"

"I hate all of you," our esteemed Head Auror brought an end to the spontaneous musical. Sexy spoilsport.

A Not-So-Happy-Birthday — Jacob Grimes

Daily Prophet; 30 July, 2007

All isn't well with the famous Potter family this week. While Head Auror Harry Potter has been readying for his 27th birthday on the 31st of July, his wife Ginny Potter has had other plans. A controversial couple—one fraught with rumours of Amorentia, violent fighting, and a myriad of affairs—it seems that Mrs. Potter has finally had enough. Spotted exiting Gringotts yesterday, an inside source informed the Prophet that she was there to consult over her oncoming divorce.

That's right, divorce! Though the papers haven't been filed, the word at Gringotts was clear that Mrs. Potter was looking over the Potter family's financials. Looking for a loophole in the prenup?

Neither Mr. or Mrs. Potter are innocents in their tumultuous relationship. From rumours of her keeping him dosed on Amorentia, to the gossip of him sleeping with best friend and sister-in-law Hermione Weasley, this divorce has been a long-time coming. Though it is tragic that their two children will be caught in the middle. We also must question the paternity of Mrs. Potter's current unborn child: is this the straw that broke the Gryffin's back?

31 July, 2007

Okay okay, I know you don't like me sending sexy innuendoes in Howlers (it was only twice!), but I guessed writing a completely harmless note would be welcome. Especially if it came with a little drawing Jamie and Al made for their daddy—no idea what it's supposed to be, but it's gorgeous!

Happy birthday, love. Feeling older? Wiser? Greyer? You replied pretty clearly this morning to the contrary, but I thought I'd ask again. It's been a few hours, after all. Also, I did promise you a birthday surprise. I'm sure you assumed it would wait until we were home, but that's where your super Auror skills have failed you.

I love you. I love you an exceedingly huge amount, and the last thing I want is for you to be bogged down by the missing people on your birthday. You more than deserve a break. So I've cleared my schedule and resolved to try my best to distract you. I more than understand if you're busy, but I'm here whenever you need me.

Yes, here. As in your office. Nope, don't look around worryingly—I know you must be! Don't panic, this is supposed to be fun. You get to find me. When you do, you'll get a prize.

I'll give you a few hints, shall I? First off, I'm horrendously underdressed. In fact, I'm only wearing one piece of 'clothing'. I'd be wearing even less, but I needed your Invisibility Cloak to sneak in here. It's even managed to cover my ridiculous belly! Though, knowing your odd attraction to pregnant-me, you'll want to whip this Cloak off as soon as possible. Which will be lovely, as it's cramped enough underneath your desk.

Yes, exactly.

Reach down and unwrap your present, Head Auror Potter.

The Sign of the Apocalypse — Ginny Potter

Daily Prophet; 4 August, 2007

The world's going to hell in a hand basket. Least, that's what the Prophet would have you believe. Why am I allowed to write that, you ask? Because the editor-in-chief Abigail Rivers has informed me on no fewer than five occasions that I am not allowed to quit in protest to libelous articles about my family, as I'm under contract. I, being my passive aggressive self, have interpreted that to mean that I have carte blanche to write whatever I so wish, and the Prophet has to publish it.

Luckily for you, I'm not the vindictive type. So I'm not going to rant about the idiots accusing me of dosing my husband with Amorentia, or hex the idiots who can't make up their damn minds about whether my husband's a hero or a louse, or laugh hysterically at the idiots who're running for the hills thinking they're going to be baked into pies (seriously?). Instead, this column will remain one of the few sane lights in the dark of this bloody paper. You're welcome.

Meanwhile, over here in Quidditchland? If you hear shocked gasps from us, don't worry, it's not because we're being horrifically murdered and/or kidnapped. Nor is it because we're dismayed that an incompetent, bloody coward has a chance at being the next Minister of Magic. Nope, it's because none of us can believe the start of this electrifying season! That's because the first match resulted in the Falmouth Falcons (last year's champions) losing to underdog team, the Chudley Cannons.

You read that right, my fellow obsessives. I'm not even sure how to commentate because I'm, 1.) Saddened that Falmouth's previous Head Coach Roger Davies is missing, 2.) Overjoyed his cheating scumbag of a team has finally gotten its just deserts, 3.) Oddly delighted at how adorably the Cannons are reacting to a win, and 4.) Horrified I've lost a bet to my brother Ron and that I'll now have to wear the Cannons' ghastly orange to every Quidditch match this year (the git knows all too well how horribly it clashes with red hair).

In short, the game was a shambles. Without Davies Falmouth's roster fell apart at its seams, where many of the players seemed confused as to which goal they should be aiming for. Once I get over my shock, I'll likely wonder if there might have been confuddling concoctions at fault here. Or maybe the multiple championship team is simply this bad without the cheating douchebag Davies. As a side-note, I ought to mention that this wasn't meant to be personal, it's just Quidditch. Davies would be the first to understand this, seeing as how he 'jokingly' wished I'd have a miscarriage so I wouldn't return to the Harpies. It's not offensive, it's Quidditch trash talk: overly harsh and dark to everyone not in the League. So while I wish all the best to his family and hope for his safe return, I can tell Davies to suck it because there's now proof he's a dirty, rotten fraud. 'Championship team' my arse. They just lost to the Cannons! If this wasn't so ridiculous, it'd be hysterical.

In other news, no one's even bothering to bet about the results of the upcoming match next weekend. But Ron, if you wish: double or nothing on the Harpies wiping the floor with the Cannons? When the Harpies win, I'll get to stop wearing the Cannons' colours. If the Harpies somehow, miraculously lose, I'll talk Harry into doing the You Know What that You Know Who's (you, you moron) been ranting about. What d'you say? Also, to everyone reading this who's not Ron or Harry: that wasn't an innuendo, you creeps. It's secret Auror stuff. So secret that it can only be put in code in a Quidditch column…which I'm absolutely not including solely to piss off my tyrannical boss who insists I keep writing for a newspaper that keeps insulting my family.

To people who wish to hear my true, proper thoughts on the beginning of the season, I recommend you turn to The Quibbler where I freelance a weekly Quidditch column. For no profit to me, might I add, so it doesn't interfere with my ridiculous Prophet contract.

Amorentia in the Air! — Abigail Rivers, Editor-in-Chief

Daily Prophet; 9 August, 2007

With so much dark news lately, we at the Prophet were happy to receive some pictures of a famous family and looked forward to telling a nice tale about their adorable antics. But our intentions were pushed to the wayside when we more closely examined these photos of the Potters on a family lunch in Diagon Alley.

The sequence of pictures show the foursome (plus godson Teddy Lupin) sitting down at an outside table of the Leaky Cauldron and ordering their meals. After a few minutes of talking, Head Auror Harry Potter walked inside. Almost immediately Ginny Potter (a Quidditch reporter for this very paper) took an unknown vial out of her purse and poured it into her husband's butterbeer. Shortly after Mr. Potter returned he drank some of it, smiled, and immediately kissed Mrs. Potter.

A happy couple? Many think not. Even before Mr. and Mrs. Potter were married rumours abounded that not all was as it seemed. It is a common query here and in other papers whether this marriage was in fact a product of a slipped love potion. The picture accompanying this article clearly shows Mrs. Potter putting something into the war hero's drink, and though it's faint, analysis here at the Prophet has theorised that there is an Amorentia-like pink tone to it. Amorentia is one of the most powerful love potions there is, and it's horrifying to think that the Man Who Conquered has been 'captured' by this woman and forced into a loveless marriage.

Long-term exposure to Amorentia has been known to have other, exceedingly grim side effects. One of which is a dimming of the mind. Could this be why our once great hero is now fumbling to save us from the latest calamity hitting our nation?

To: Abigail Rivers

From: Ginny Potter

The hell Rivers? My comment about having NOT dosed my husband with Amorentia WASN'T an invitation to write an article accusing me of that! Though it's none of your business, all I did was put a headache reliever in his tea. He knew I'd done it! Obviously! I was holding his medicine since I had a purse. That's it! He gets migraines, who cares. 'Dimming the mind'? Are you mad? The only one who has anything wrong with them is you!

The near constant articles saying that Harry and I are divorcing are hurtful enough, but this has to stop. Pissed at me or no, there'd better be a retraction in the next issue.

Correction: Amorentia in the Air? — Abigail Rivers, Editor-in-Chief

Daily Prophet; 10 August, 2007

* Correction to original story: Ginny Potter has alleged to us that the potion she dosed her husband with was medicine to treat his chronic migraines. If this is the case, we at the Prophet wish Mr. Potter a speedy recovery and hope his mental processes can be healed.

To: Abigail Rivers

From: Ginny Potter

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I DIDN'T MEAN TO REPRINT THE EFFING ARTICLE! 'Hope his mental processes can be healed'? You make it sound like Harry's brain damaged! He gets headaches, you idiot: like the ones you're constantly giving me! And I didn't dose him with anything, he asked me to put it in. Are you trying to get sued? Seriously, are you? Because I'll happily oblige!

11 August, 2007

Hey Love,

Happy Birthday! Know I said it this morning, but I've had a fantastic thought. What about if you—hear me out—stopped sending your boss Howlers and relaxed today. Yeah, relaxed. Remember what that feels like? Some distant memory in the back of your head?

Don't laugh at me, I know I'm being hypocritical. To solve that I'll take my own advice. So Ginny: want to run away with me? I have our old Firebolts, I jammed all my meetings into this morning, Sue's in charge of the Aurors for the afternoon, and I happen to know your next deadline isn't for three days.

By the way, see how I mentioned our Firebolts? I might or might not be floating outside the Prophet's main window on the third floor (y'know, the one with the swishy black lines by your office?), and I'm likely being gawked at by your coworkers. And being mercilessly photographed.

Want to give them something real to gossip about?

Jack the Ripper and Sweeney Todd Copycats! Is Anyone Safe? — Abigail Rivers

Daily Prophet; 2 September, 2007

Britain beware, serial killers are loose in our midst! With everyone from humans, werewolves, to vampires being hunted down, panic has gripped the nation. This week has brought a new round of terrifying crimes.

The Rippers have struck again. Nailed to the barrier between Platforms 9 and 10 in London's King's Cross Station, the Ministry wasn't quick enough to stop a drove of muggles and young witches and wizards (on their way to Hogwarts the morning of 1st September) from spotting the naked and dismembered body of a Veela. As the obliviators struggled to keep the situation under control while Aurors blocked the gruesome sight from the screaming children, crowds backed up as no one could enter the Platform 9 ¾ (which led to the Hogwarts Express). The crowds only thinned out after Hogwarts teachers appeared with portkeys, hurriedly sorting the students into groups to transport to the castle. It was only around noon that the short-term situation had been resolved, though much of King's Cross was closed for the rest of the day as the Aurors struggled to retain an even somewhat clean crime scene.

Just a day earlier, Samuel Gideon (ex-guitarist for the Weird Witches and current model for Gladrags) went missing from his country home in Kent. His vanishing was marked by his housekeeper, who had left him in the kitchen pouring tea but soon after raced back in at the clang of the kettle hitting the floor. Gideon was nowhere to be seen, having vanished straight through his house's extensive wards.

Rumours have recently circulated about what might be happening to the bodies of the missing people. Supported by an Auror's comment, it's been suggested that the bodies have somehow been put into pies. Because of this, the group of kidnappers have begun to be known as the 'Sweenies' (off of folklore character Sweeney Todd, a murdering barber who hid his crimes by breaking down his victims' bodies into meat for pies). No word yet how heavily the Aurors are looking into this theory, or if they're in the process of investigating pie shoppes and bakeries near the crime scenes.

"You sir, you sir, how about a shave?
Come and visit your good friend Sweeney.
You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave! […]

Who sir, you sir? No one in the chair, come on! Come on!
Sweeney's waiting. I want you bleeders…
You sir—anybody! Gentlemen, now don't be shy!

Not one man, no, nor ten men. Nor a hundred can assuage me,
I will have you!"

—Sweeney Todd, Sweeney Todd

A/N: There's a lot of different storylines this chapter! If it helps, most of these things are subplots (at best) while others were only mentioned to show the passage of time. For example, while I absolutely recommend you YouTube Sweeney Todd's 'A Little Priest', understanding that song isn't necessary to the plot. It's just some comic relief…much like the rest of Orla Quirke's 'interesting' Auror minutes. I promise this won't turn into a Harry/Ron slash fic: I just thought it'd be funny if a few Aurors thought otherwise.

What you should keep your eyes on? The 'Ripper' and 'Sweeney' crime sprees, the Shacklebolt/Fudge election for Minister of Magic, and the events for the year-long memorial/remembrance of the Second War.