It had reached Sunhigh by the time the Tribe had finally abandoned the clan cats. The group had been taken away from the Tribe, without Stormfur, and had been led to the edge of the their territory near another smooth cliff face that ran along the mountain. It was a clear path that offered no trouble for the group.
But how could they go that path without one of their own.
Crowpaw had remained silent, despite his pelt being spike with rage the whole walk. Every time he even looked at one of those mange ridden outcasts, he felt an amazing desire to pounce on them there and then and rip the nearest one he could to tatters.
He kept his head low though. The group had a clear plan and it would do no good to ruin it just to rush the justice he knew they were eventually going to deliver.
The Tribe had apologised, even claiming they'd be happy to see the cats again once their precious prophecy was delivered.
Crowpaw kept his mouth shut; if he opened it he knew he would be latching it onto a Tribe cat's throat.
He stuck with the plan. They left without any trouble, though they still looked back and saw the Tribe watching them with a mixture of hesitation and threat.
He'd glared back, suddenly not wanting to move another step. He refused to be intimidated by these strays. Every part of him that was a Warrior screamed at him to run back and accept their challenge. But a smooth face rubbed against his.
"Come on." Feathertail mewed. "We'll be back soon enough."
The touch somehow had the power to make Crowpaw lower his tail and ears, following on with their plan.
She was going through enough as it was. He couldn't make this difficult for her.
She was trying her best to look unaffected as they carried on travelling; they had to in case those Tribe cats were secretly following them, but they'd turn back once it was dark enough for the ebony blanket to cover their pelts. But Crowpaw knew that Feathertail was clearly hurting from the idea of leaving Stormfur with the Tribe. He kept close beside her, he didn't want to leave her side for a second, if she started tearing up like she had last night Crowpaw would never forgive himself if he wasn't there by her side.
"Any sign of them following us?" Tawnypelt mewed from the front, her tail straightening tensely.
Feathertail glanced back, sniffing the air. One ear flicked, and her pelt frazzled calmly. "I can't smell them, so that's a positive." Tawnypelt nodded, relaxed.
Crowpaw scoffed, his tail lashing. "If we do see them, they're Crowfood." He muttered under his breath.
Not quiet enough as Brambleclaw looked back from the front of the group, his muzzle in a thin line. "Remember, we want to do this without fighting if we can. We can't afford injuries now." He meowed. Crowpaw was surprised by the calmness in the Warrior's voice. "We'll just make them think we've left for now."
The brown tom's eyes were patient on the younger cat. Not condescending like they had been for the majority of the journey.
He was looking at Crowpaw like an equal rather than an apprentice.
The Windclan cat was astonished that he found that satisfying.
Crowpaw nodded back levelly. He couldn't argue the Warrior's logic, but he was just so angry at how things had turned out on the mountains.
Oh well, he'd probably get his chance to release that frustration later.
He felt Feathertail's soft pelt brush his own and he stiffened. "Just be patient, it won't be long before it gets dark." She mewed tenderly.
Crowpaw let out a murmur of agreement, currently trying to avoid the way that the Warrior was looking at him. Feathertail chuckled with a smile, turning back ahead. Crowpaw couldn't face those eyes, not after what he thought he'd seen in them last night.
He'd passed it off as her typical warmth at the time, but the more he found her gaze, the more he saw it, and the more he saw it the more he noticed that there really was something else.
Something that scared Crowpaw to his bones.
It couldn't be true. He had to be wrong.
But Feathertail's actions only seemed determined to prove him right. While Crowpaw had happily walked beside her, it hadn't been him that caused their pelts to touch every few minutes, it wasn't him who sighed in great contentment when he pressed back, and it hadn't been him who looked at the other like they hoped to be more than clanmates.
It wasn't that Crowpaw was disgusted by the idea. He just felt an intense confusion. What could he have ever done to deserve the things he assumed were true?
He always came up with nothing. He was an apprentice. He was Windclan. He was quick-tempered. There was no reason that she would like him like that.
Hence, why he always ended up screaming at his overthinking mind that he was wrong.
He had to be.
She was probably just clinging close to him because he was a friend and she was going through something terrible. It would make sense that she wanted someone to lean on. Crowpaw could do that much at least.
He hoped that was enough.
As they made their way across the rocky climb of the mountain, they found the path fall into the land of a grassy hollow. The crevice bubbled with a thin stream of water that embedded into the mountain inside a small pool with water as clear as a New-leaf sky. Crowpaw could just about see shapes of silver glide in the water and his stomach growled at the thought of fish. He also caught the scents of prey where the hollow broke away behind a wall of bushes.
"Can't we stop here?" Squirrelpaw mewed. She had been at the front of the group the whole way and was now flashing her emerald eyes at Brambleclaw. "They said we need to hunt and drink when we can, and we could wait here until it gets dark enough to turn back."
That sounded like a fine idea to Crowpaw. They didn't want to go too far away from the cave. However, there was still the threat of the Tribe cats following them lingering in the air.
Brambleclaw clearly had the same worries about him, though Crowpaw could also see surprise in the older cat's face. Maybe shocked that Squirrelpaw was asking him, like she actually respected his decisions? Then again, that wasn't so hard for Crowpaw to understand. After last night, Crowpaw couldn't deny that Brambleclaw truly did have every cat's best interest in his mind.
Brambleclaw looked unsure for a moment, then he relented with a nod. "Okay, but someone will need to make sure the Tribe isn't following us."
"I'll take first watch," Tawnypelt called, strolling away before any cat could interject. Crowpaw couldn't help but admire her quick and strong personality. She could have been their leader herself if she wanted. "If I catch their scents, I'll be quick to let you guys know."
The group all mewed in agreement. "Make sure you're in a place where the wind is heading in your direction. It will make it easier to catch them." Squirrelpaw meowed. Crowpaw's tail curled, he turned to grin at her. Trying to take credit for that advice, Squirrelbrain.
Squirrelpaw caught his eye, smiling quickly and thinly, then turned away again. Stoic.
Crowpaw felt himself slacken.
Tawnypelt rolled her eyes, but she looked genuinely thankful regardless. "Don't worry, I will." She said, padding away carefully between the rocks like she was tracking a mouse.
"Right." Brambleclaw meowed, "I'll head out into the hollow if you three want to check out the water for fish." He suggested, giving a gentle look of permittance to his clanmate. Crowpaw's eyes widened. He wants to let her know that he accepts her decision. Once again, Crowpaw felt his admiration for the Warrior he'd hated rush. He remembered clearly that Brambleclaw had not trusted her to be with the others before, it was what had led him to act like the mouse-brain he'd been.
He really had been learning.
But Squirrelpaw, to every cat's amazement, disagreed. She swiftly shook her head, bounding up to where Brambleclaw stood. "That's fine. I'll go with you into the hollow."
Brambleclaw's jaw hung open, "Oh. Um, sure, if you want to."
Squirrelpaw shrugged, "It will be better if we're both in groups." Brambleclaw nodded again, a clear shine of delight in his eyes. Crowpaw stiffened, his stomach twisting. Why didn't she want to go with them? Squirrelpaw looked back, tenderly looking at her friends. "You two will be fine, right?" It wasn't so much a question as it was a statement.
Crowpaw's tail waved, as he opened his mouth to disagree. He stopped short. What right did he have to disagree? If Squirrelpaw wanted to go with Brambleclaw, what reason did he have to object? If he did that, he would be no better than Brambleclaw's controlling behaviour from the beginning of the journey.
Feathertail smiled sweetly, her tail curling. Was that excitement in her eyes? "Of course! Good luck!"
Squirrelpaw smirked, "Like I need luck!" Her eyes turned to Crowpaw's, gesturing a goodbye to him with her tail before she turned and bounded away, Brambleclaw following close behind.
Crowpaw watched her back edge away and he frowned at the hollow feeling in his chest.
"Is she upset with us?"
He was surprised at what he'd said before Feathertail.
The Riverclan molly mewed questioningly. "I don't think so. Why would you think that?"
"Why's she going off with him?"
"Well, she is right, it is better when there's two of each in both groups. It wouldn't really make sense if it was three of us and one other on their own."
"I know but…"
It sounded ridiculous, but it just didn't seem right to Crowpaw. The events of the day creeped back onto him. When he truly thought about it, Squirrelpaw hadn't really interacted with him and Feathertail all day. She'd kept to the front when they were travelling, hadn't stopped at all to speak to them, and now she was rushing off when they'd always hunted together normally.
It was the three of them.
At least, until recently anyway.
"She's probably trying to get on better with Brambleclaw." Feathertail mewed, looking out to the hollow with a beam. "After how they used to be could you blame her. It's good that she's giving him a chance to make it better."
That was true. Crowpaw did need to remember that they were clanmates. But it still didn't feel like it was the real reason. Squirrelpaw hadn't even hesitated before she'd sprinted away. She'd been like that last night as well.
Crowpaw remembered how she'd pulled away from his embrace. The confusion in her eyes.
It still made him sting a little.
What was wrong? Had he done something to make her angry with him?
"I guess, but it just doesn't feel right." Crowpaw said mellowly.
Feathertail pressed herself against him, nudging him with her tail. "I'm sure that nothing's wrong, Crowpaw. I think we'd know if Squirrelpaw was angry with us." She chuckled.
Crowpaw smiled a little. It was true that Squirrelpaw was incredibly obvious when she was annoyed.
"I suppose."
"Don't worry too much, Crowpaw. I'm sure she's fine." Feathertail said it with the same soothing tone a mother held. The kind that promised all the wisdom of the world to a young cat. Crowpaw couldn't help but believe her. She whipped him playfully with her paw. "Now come on, I think I saw some fish in the pool. I think it's time for another fishing lesson, just in case you want to when we get home!"
Crowpaw straightened up again, catching the brightness in her voice.
Feathertail waved her tail awkwardly, pressing her gaze to the ground. "I mean, it could be useful, whatever happens."
"O-Okay." Crowpaw tried to look appreciative of her offer, but there were voices raising up in his mind again. Growls and snarls about Starclan and loyalty. Stormfur's worries. Crowpaw grit his teeth. It isn't like that.
He padded behind her over to where the pool bubbled and splashed, the cool water rippled and shifted as something moved under its surface. Crowpaw felt a tail press against his chest, and Feathertail beckoned him to get low on his belly. He obeyed, gently following her to the edge of the pool.
Keeping her eyes fixed on the water, Crowpaw watched her pelt prickle, prepared for the slightest movement. She suddenly looked so much more than a Warrior in these moments. He could see the strength in her paws and the deadly intent hooked in her claws.
"Make sure your shadow doesn't fall over the water." She whispered, "And when you finally see a fish, be as quick as you can."
Crowpaw nodded, making sure to not make so much movement.
Suddenly, he saw a flash of silver sparkle in the water, and within a moment, Feathertail's paw shot into the water, hardly making a splash before it returned out with a large fish wriggling in her paw. Her teeth were on it as soon as it hit the ground.
Crowpaw marvelled at her. The speed in that move had been incredible, it was even more rapid than most cats in his own clan. She only had to wave her paw and whatever water was hanging on her fur left her dry.
She turned to him, flashing an encouraging smile. "You see?"
Crowpaw flicked his ear. It didn't look too hard. Feathertail moved back to give him space, still watching him closely as he edged towards the mouth of the pool. He grimaced as he got down on his belly and the wet mud squelched, his fur was short enough that he felt it on his skin. No wonder Riverclan cats have such thick pelts.
It wasn't the first time she'd taught him how to fish so Crowpaw felt confident he could catch one without a problem. Crowpaw unhooked his claws, curling his paw in preparation. He watched the water carefully, waiting for any other colour other than the warm blue of the mountain water. Feathertail's encouraging eyes kept on the water with him, silently reassuring the younger cat.
In a few heartbeats, Crowpaw felt his muscles tense as silver flickered in his sight, his paw racing into the water. He felt his paw touch something slippery and he grinned as he pulled his foreleg back.
He curved his fangs around the fish but stiffened as he felt it flap out of his grasp. This fish was much bigger than the twoleg pond fish he'd caught before. His prey dived back into its home with a wet slap, casting a drizzle of large drops of water onto Crowpaw's face. He grimaced, pulling back in a mix of disgust and anger.
"Rabbit-fluff!" He spat, rubbing his face furiously. He hated getting wet. Glaring down at the pool, he cringed when he heard Feathertail let out a small giggle.
"It's not funny." He moaned, his tail waving crossly on the grass.
Calming down, Feathertail cast him an apologetic look, though she still looked bright with glee. "I know, I know. I'm sorry." She padded closer to him, "Come on, try again."
Crowpaw scoffed. Like he wanted to embarrass himself again like that.
"You're just not used to bigger fish, every Riverclan cat makes those kind of mistakes."
Crowpaw didn't reply, looking away indignantly. She was just trying to be friendly, that was all. He'd made a stupid mistake and he knew it.
Feathertail made a soft mrrow, pressing her pelt against the smaller cat. Crowpaw flushed, his anger replaced by a tightness gripping his chest. He shivered when he felt her chuckle rumble against his back. "You know, when I first tried catching a fish, I wasn't even balanced properly before I went to catch it." She let that linger for a moment, Crowpaw's brows rising. "When the fish slipped out of my paws, I lost my footing on the bank and went face first into the water in front of all the other apprentices."
Crowpaw kept his mouth closed, but the snort still cut into the air, and the corners of his lips were unmistakably up. Then Feathertail began to laugh along, and Crowpaw had to join her.
"Sorry." Crowpaw chuckled, holding his laughter down in case he offended her. "That must have been embarrassing."
"Oh, it was. I didn't hear the end of it for moons!" Feathertail rolled her eyes, but she still bubbled with glee. "But I can't blame them. It was pretty funny!" Her eyes shut as the sunlight sparkled off her grin.
Crowpaw blinked slowly, thankful and understanding. "It does sound quite funny."
"See. If I can learn after something like that, so can you." She got on her belly again, supporting Crowpaw forward. "So, give it another try." The gentle affection was back on her face and Crowpaw felt her tail curl around his back.
Regardless of whether it was out of his gratitude for her words, or the sharp jolt that seemed to bite him on his back, Crowpaw got back down on his belly.
He had to wait a while for the fish to come back, after he had scared it the way he had, but that was no issue. Crowpaw was very much occupied with his thoughts. With every second he could feel Feathertail's smile, her devotion, the voices kept on growing, now becoming impossible to silence.
Not surprisingly, the loudest one sounded very much like Stormfur.
He'd confided in Crowpaw what he thought was going on.
Crowpaw had dismissed it like it was just the ramblings of another mad kittypet like Purdy.
Now, Stormfur sounded very, very, worryingly, convincing.
He could feel the warmth of her fur on his, hear her soft breaths that she was clearly suppressing so he could concentrate, and it was becoming much more possible to Crowpaw that, in a way, Feathertail wanted him to notice.
He was doing the right thing by ignoring it, right. He had to be. The implications made him tremble.
Mercifully, he was driven away from his mind when he saw the water ripple below him again. With a surge of adrenaline, Crowpaw sank his claws into the water, not pulling away until he felt them embedded in the fish. He dragged the fish out of its home, stumbling back a little, surprised by the strength he'd put into it. But he wasn't going to humiliate himself again. As soon as the fish was in the air, convulsing to escape, Crowpaw opened his maw wide and sank down on the fish, feeling it go limp as he bit down hard on its soft flesh.
A rush of pride thumped in Crowpaw's chest, he didn't even take notice of the water that had splashed onto his face again.
He did notice the nose that pressed hard into his shoulder though.
"Well done!" Feathertail cried, rubbing blissfully into his fur. "We'll make a Riverclan cat of you yet!" The message itself was but a soft linger, but Crowpaw caught it like the scent of prey in the wind. He stared as Feathertail broke away and blushed as she saw the pure confusion in Crowpaw's eyes.
Was it even confusion? Crowpaw was beginning to fear he knew what it was.
The hope in her eyes was now so obvious when he looked close enough.
The expression he was making might as well have been a confirmation as Feathertail stepped back, flushing, blinking with small panic. But no matter what, she couldn't hide how much her eyes were shining.
"Crowpaw." Feathertail said softly, for a moment her glimmering eyes were away from him. Her tail curled up as if it had been released from the weight of a stone. She looked straight at him, her smile truer than anything he'd ever seen. "Could I ask you something?"
He didn't want to say yes, every part of his fur was splintered out with a deep, crumbling anxiety. But how could he say no to the hope in her eyes.
Feathertail sat back, eyes going back from her paws and Crowpaw's face. "When we get back to the clans, if we see each other again." She coughed quickly when her tone began to tremble and wear away. She took a breath, calming herself like it was before a battle, then she looked up directly, biting back her blush and her nervousness. "Could we ever… be more than friends?"
The voices went silent with vindication.
Crowpaw felt his legs begin to weaken, he sat back, trying to meet the gaze of his friend. She stood there, blush glowing under her silver fur, keeping herself steady. For a moment, Crowpaw just sat admiring her bravery. Her confession went against so much, and she knew that, but he could see that she didn't care. Something else was more important to her than an entire culture. Someone.
His mouth opened and closed for a few moments. "W-Why?" Crowpaw must have sounded like a newborn kit, his voice was so weak. He settled on one question. "Why me?" He wasn't anycat particularly special. How could a Warrior like Feathertail ever have feelings for him?
Feathertail laughed gently, "Why not you?"
He could think of a few reasons. "We're not in the same clans," Crowpaw said, his voice tender. "I'm not even a Warrior yet."
"And you've treated me better than any cat in my whole clan." Feathertail admitted, glowing with affection. "No cat makes me feel the way I do when I'm around you, Crowpaw."
"But… what about the Warrior Code? Cats would-"
"You don't need to tell me about the Warrior Code, Crowpaw." Feathertail interrupted, her voice rising a little. She immediately looked embarrassed, giving her chest fur a few humiliated licks. "I'm sorry. But… believe me, I know what some cats think of… half-clan cats."
A shadow loomed over Crowpaw. How could he forget? Feathertail had told him about what she had went through, the cat she had seen die, because of Tigerstar's hatred of half-clan cats. She knew more about the consequences than anyone.
"So," Crowpaw mewed, disbelief breaking his tone. "Why, after all that, would you want to be with me?"
Feathertail stared at her paws, shuffling a little, she exhaled deeply before shrugging, her face full of love. "Because I like you. And I don't think I can stop that." She laughed.
Crowpaw couldn't believe what he was hearing. She would risk so much because she liked him like that. "But what about the Clans?" He blurted, his whiskers rising in alarm.
Feathertail blinked slowly, "We don't know what will happen if what Midnight said is true."
"You still trust that badger." Crowpaw muttered glumly, for all they knew she was the one who wanted them to be caught by the Tribe.
"I believe that there is something going on at the forest." Feathertail explained. She purred a little, stepping closer to him. "And if it's what she said, the clans will have to come together."
Crowpaw grimaced. Even if the clans did have to work as one, he didn't believe it would ever become like the kind Feathertail hoped for. He shook his head, a shiver of guilt coming over him as he saw the disappointment come over Feathertail. "I don't think that could ever happen. There have always been four clans." Generations of culture wouldn't change in a heartbeat.
"Well," Feathertail mewed, sitting back, Crowpaw realised she was giving him some space. But he could see in her eyes how much she wanted her beliefs to be true. How much she wanted to… be with him. "Maybe always is about to change."
It possibly could. Crowpaw thought. More likely it would not. He lowered his head to the ground, sighing. He didn't really think at all that two Clans could become one like that, not after all they'd been taught. Not after how they had seen the consequences themselves.
Although… it wasn't untrue that Clan rules could change. Firestar had been born a kittypet, but Starclan had chosen him to be the one to unite the Clans against Tigerstar, and now he was one of the most respected cats in the forest, no matter how little the other clans wanted to admit it.
Maybe things could change.
Wait. Crowpaw felt his mouth fall. Why was he so hopeful for that?
"You didn't answer my question."
The Windclan tom shot his head back up. "Huh?"
Feathertail sat before him, her tail waving softly on the grass, waiting. "I asked you if you'd like… us to be something?" She met his eyes bravely, but she was clearly flustered. Her chest puffed out, she looked more like a lovestruck apprentice than a full-grown Warrior. "So, do you?"
The answer should have been simpler than Crowpaw anticipated.
But instead, he found himself puzzled, questioning. Wondering.
Feathertail was a wonderful cat, there was no question about it. From the very start, she had been the one Crowpaw had found it easier to be around and talk to. She spoke to him like he was a Warrior instead of an apprentice. She made him feel welcome. Kind, brave, resilient, she was undeniably an amazing cat.
And, in the back of his mind, Crowpaw could admit that he did find her beautiful.
Such a cat had fallen for him? Of course, Crowpaw was flattered, happy even. He'd never had anything like this happen to him at Windclan, he didn't even have many friends who were she-cats back home, so the fact that he knew that someone could actually be so fond of him was terrifying but exciting at the same time.
He wanted to see Feathertail again when they got back to the clans, no doubt. He did want to carry on being friends with this incredible Warrior.
But to be anything more than that…
"I-I'm not sure, Feathertail." Crowpaw confessed. The only indication of Feathertail's chagrin was the sudden flatness that swept her fur down, but it was enough for Crowpaw's stomach to sink. "Look, I really do like you." He began to stammer. "Y-You're one of my best friends, and there's not another cat like you, but- I- I just don't know."
"Is it because of the clans?" Feathertail asked, her eyes dimming a little.
It should have been. That would have made it easier. But when Crowpaw felt the question set inside him, there was something else pressing on him.
"I-It's part of it, but…" He went off as the though of the clans began to sink away from him like the moon under the sea. It wasn't the thought of that that made him want to turn away from the path Feathertail offered. Something else stung at him like a path of nettles and thorns. Something shadowed, something Crowpaw was embarrassed to admit he didn't know entirely what it was.
He didn't want to hurt his friend's feelings, but… He just thought he didn't see her that way. And he didn't know entirely why?
Feathertail looked at him for a few moments, then dropped her gaze as her expression thinned. "Do… Do you like someone else?"
"No!" Crowpaw exclaimed, his fur prickling like a dog had just snapped its jaws at him. Feathertail drew back a little, surprise filling her face. The tom noticed how heavily he'd begun to breathe and licked his paws flustery. "I mean, no. Th-There's not." Crowpaw had never felt anything for any cat like that, he was sure of that. From what he'd heard it was meant to make him feel, he was sure that he was inexperienced about it.
Surely, he'd know if someone did make him feel like that. He'd have to.
Feathertail pursed her lips, casting a look away from the apprentice. "Okay."
It was the faded hurt in her voice that made Crowpaw clench. And he knew that she didn't want to do that to him. She never would. His tongue spasmed. "I-I'm not saying I'm against it!"
Voices began to scream at him again. What was he doing? Why would he say that? Was he even being honest?
Then Feathertail looked up again, glimmering with faith, and Crowpaw didn't regret it. "I just think I need some time to think about this." He knew he liked Feathertail, a lot. And he knew she liked him, very much a lot. And he couldn't deny he truly did appreciate the feelings she had for him. He gave her a soft smile. "But thank you for telling me. I-I do like it."
Slowly, Feathertail began to smile again. Crowpaw felt a little more at peace.
"But can you just give me some time to think?" He pleaded, chuckling a little. "It's a lot to take in after all."
Feathertail didn't seem to fully know if this was being shot down or not, Crowpaw didn't really either, but she appeared to accept it when she laughed along. "I can understand that. Well… thanks for hearing me out, anyway."
"Of course!" Crowpaw mewed, moving forward to press his pelt against her. To his relief, she didn't pull away.
"And, just so you know," Feathertail began, her voice softening, "If you do say no, I don't mind." That was the halfway point between the truth and a lie. "As long as we can remain friends afterwards, it'll be fine by me."
Crowpaw was happy he could promise something to her. "We'll always be friends."
"Good. Let Starclan strike me down if they have anything to say about that!" She meowed. They both laughed, returning to their familiar bond, but still kept aware of the questions that lurked beside them.
Crowpaw shivered as he realised what he would need to consider. How massive it actually was? "I promise you I will think about it." He assured her, meeting her dead in the eyes. He needed to make that clear, she deserved to know that.
It wasn't the answer Feathertail wanted, Crowpaw knew, but it seemed to suffice. Maybe she knew it would have to, maybe she was only keeping herself up from the chance that still lingered. Whatever it was, Feathertail nodded, shining in the best way that only could do. "Alright then, thank you." She said honestly.
They both kept silent for a moment, then Feathertail quickly sniffed and pulled herself back up, maybe catching on how awkward it was to be confessing your feelings to your friend. "Well, I suppose we best get these fish back to the others. Brambleclaw and Squirrelpaw might be back by now."
Crowpaw mewed in agreement, they both needed to just carry on right now. It was good that it was out of the way for her though, now she could focus solely on getting her brother back tonight. He picked up his fish, walking beside her back to the meeting point.
His mind was full of thoughts though, how could they not be? He was actually considering becoming mates with a Riverclan cat? A cat that actually wanted to be mates with him?!
But did he want it?
He'd promised Stormfur that he'd do everything he could to make sure Feathertail didn't get hurt. But that was looking fainter with every minute. If he rejected her, of course she'd be hurt, she would hide it, but Crowpaw knew she would be.
But could he say yes? Could he actually go against the Warrior Code like that? Did he even like her in the way that she liked him?
He found himself wishing that he did, to make it all easier, to understand everything a little more, but he still wasn't sure.
Feathertail was wonderful, and she was beautiful, but Crowpaw didn't know if that meant he had feelings for her. Maybe he didn't want to think about that. But he had to now.
She loved him. She'd given him the feeling of being loved. The least he could do was think hard about giving her an actual reply. And it wasn't like there was a massive rush to get an answer out. They still had days before they would get back to the clans.
Right now, they both had to focus on one thing. Making sure they all went back together.
He could help her save another cat that she loved. That he would do no matter what. Whatever came after that, he had to decide for himself.
He didn't look forward to it.
Maybe that was another indication.
As they approached the meeting place in the hollow, they saw Tawnypelt's shape emerge from the shadows of the rocks. "The cave guards are gone." She meowed, her tail curling with relief. "But I'll stay on watch."
"Oh no." Feathertail called back up, dropping her fish. "That's fine! I'll take over for you, that's fair."
Tawnypelt lingered for a moment, "Are you sure?"
"Of course!" She meowed, casting Crowpaw a grin from her side. She was trying to give him the space he needed to make a decision. Crowpaw felt his face heat up again. She really does like me.
As Tawnypelt began to creep down the rocks, Feathertail strolling on to take her place, the cats all turned to see Squirrelpaw and Brambleclaw approaching, their mouths full of mice. Crowpaw brightened at the sight of the Thunderclan apprentice. Hunting with her would make him feel more at ease. He needed a laugh, right now.
Squirrelpaw bounded up, dropping her prey into the makeshift kill pile. "That's a good start, if I say so myself." She glanced up, her eyes widening a little on Crowpaw's wet fur. She smirked, "I don't think Riverclan catch fish by sticking their heads in the water."
Crowpaw groaned, but he immediately felt lighter. "Oh, don't you start that!" He swished his tail as Brambleclaw added his own prey. An awkward feeling bit him on the neck; it was probably best if he tried to get along better with the Warrior. "Good hunting?"
The brown tom made a mew of agreement. "Great thanks." He looked down at the pile, "Nice fish."
It was plain, but it was better than nothing.
"Thanks."
Brambleclaw's amber eyes glazed over the Windclan tom, his lips pursing with admiration. "Squirrelpaw told me about the wind technique you taught her to catch prey. It's pretty brilliant!"
Crowpaw's eyes popped open again, but he managed to keep his structure composed. He flicked his ear, casually. "It's simple enough."
Brambleclaw chuckled, "Since when have you been so humble."
Crowpaw made a face at him, then he slid a look to Squirrelpaw. "Glad she's letting everyone know about it."
She shot him a coy grin. "Hey, if you didn't want clan secrets to spread, you shouldn't have spilled them in the first place."
"Don't worry," Brambleclaw said, "We'll keep them to ourselves." His tail swung in a reassuring flow.
"Yeah, especially when it'll give us an advantage over our clanmates!" Squirrelpaw chirped in.
Brambleclaw made a soft sound that resembled a laugh; Crowpaw's face twisted in awkward scandal. It would take some time to get used to this side of the Warrior, no matter how much better it was than the latter.
"Anyway," The brown tom mewed to Tawnypelt, "Do you want me to take over for you on watch?"
"No, it's fine. Feathertail's already headed off to do it."
"She has?" Squirrelpaw said, a sudden rise in her tone.
Crowpaw snickered, "Where did you think she was? Having a swim in the pool?"
Surprisingly, Squirrelpaw didn't seem to hear him, though her ears were high, her tail twitching as if discomforted. Crowpaw suspected it was just her worrying about how Feathertail was dealing without her brother.
"Yep!" Tawnypelt exclaimed, "So the rest of us can carry on hunting. We'll stop to eat for a bit after this turn."
That sounded well and good to Crowpaw. He turned back to Squirrelpaw ready to ask her to join him, but his tongue was held as he saw her stride swiftly up to Tawnypelt, brimming with anticipation.
"Do you want to come into the hollow with me? There was an area me and Brambleclaw didn't check out, but I was sure I could smell rabbits!"
Tawnypelt responded before Crowpaw could even muster a breath. "Sounds good! I need to stretch my legs after lying on that rock for so long." She curved her back, hearing a satisfying pop as it uncurled. Her whiskers curled towards the two toms. "Will you two be okay?"
Crowpaw didn't listen as Brambleclaw assured his sister. He just kept on looking on Squirrelpaw, who looked ready to spring away the soonest she could. She hadn't even looked his way. He wasn't trying to be selfish, but he couldn't help but feel a tingle of hurt.
They'd hunted together almost since the beginning. They'd been hunting when they first acted like friends instead of rivals.
So why was she so eager to be away from him now?
Squirrelpaw only gave him a passing smile as her and Tawnypelt began to walk away. Crowpaw didn't even speak up. A cold infuriation was coiling inside him. If Squirrelpaw wanted to hang out with the other's, that was fine, but that didn't explain why she was acting like he was a passing cat in a gathering.
He didn't know why it annoyed him so much, but it did.
"Hey, are you coming?" Crowpaw felt Brambleclaw nudge him with his tail. "I think I smelt some voles around where me and Squirrelpaw were hunting?"
Crowpaw looked back in the direction of the leaving cats, watching them disappear, then he let out a cold exhale. "Okay." He tried to sound as normal as he could.
It wasn't easy when he had the thoughts of his clan's safety, Stormfur's imprisonment and Feathertail's feelings raking his thoughts.
It was even harder to concentrate when he didn't have Squirrelpaw's energy and laugh to take him away from those thoughts.
…
"You're getting really fast for a Thunderclan cat!" Tawnypelt preened.
Squirrelpaw dropped the rabbit beside her, dramatically gaining back her breath. That one had really given her a chase; she might not have caught it had it not cornered itself between the two mollies. She let out a low whistle. "Really?"
"Yeah, certainly faster than I was when I was an apprentice."
"Well, you had to stick to the forest. I've just had to catch much quicker prey than mice on this journey." She said, trying to sound modest. She couldn't chuffing proudly though. "Am I faster than Brambleclaw was?"
Tawnypelt let out an amused mrrow. "Oh, definitely. If he tried running like that, he'd be puffing for breath after six seconds." She began to pant forcefully, her tongue lolling with exaggerated puffs.
Squirrelpaw howled with laughter beside the Shadowclan cat. The sun was dipping behind a few grey clouds, but the air was still hot. It would be a while before they could head back to the Tribe. Still, at least they could enjoy these moments before that ever happened.
"I guess I should get to catching something, eh?" Tawnypelt said after the two had recomposed themselves. Squirrelpaw nodded gleefully.
"I would think so. You don't want the others to think you were out done by an apprentice." Squirrelpaw jested, dodging the soft swipe Tawnypelt batted at her.
"Go chew on rabbit-fluff!" Tawnypelt quipped. She took a quick sniff at the air and her ears twitched towards her right. "Okay, I think I can smell something over there. Let's go check it out."
Still smirking, but smart enough to leave the jokes there, Squirrelpaw followed the older cat's lead. Tawnypelt kept ahead of her, low to the ground, her paws almost making no noise like she was treading on fresh snow. Squirrelpaw's tail curled in awe. She knew that Shadowclan cats were known for be silent, cunning predators, but she didn't expect that they moved like they were shadows themselves. Every move was as swift and graceful as water running down a stream.
It wasn't even like Tawnypelt was that sleek a cat. She was almost as toned and large as Brambleclaw, there didn't look to be any kind of fat on the tabby's body. She might even be more refined than Brambleclaw. More muscle than cat. But still, she curved through the grass as if she was leaf being blown along by a gentle breeze.
Squirrelpaw's lips pursed. Was that what happened when a cat was raised in a different clan to the one they were born? They inherited the best of both worlds? Squirrelpaw wasn't so convinced by that, but Tawnypelt certainly seemed to.
Then again, she had left Thunderclan pretty young. She may have even been younger than Squirrelpaw. She had had a long time to get used to the surroundings and style of her true clan.
Even the way she caught prey seemed to be a mix; it had all seemed to be less than a second when her head suddenly snapped tot the side followed by a pounce that landed like a gliding owl. Soon her heavy paws seemed to break the mole's body before her bite struck the killing blow. The grace of Shadowclan mixed with the strength of Thunderclan.
One cat – two clans.
Squirrelpaw felt her paws tense.
There was no way she was thinking about this now. She was here to escape such images.
"G-Good catch!" Squirrelpaw offered, hoping Tawnypelt hadn't caught her stammer.
Mercifully, it seemed the tortoiseshell hadn't as she scooped the prey into her jaws, smiling broadly around it. Squirrelpaw let a breath of reprieve out of her smile.
She tried to keep her thoughts on more prey as they went back to where they'd left the rabbit, but that wasn't easy. Many of the scent trails they caught were either too far or had gone stale, still Squirrelpaw persisted. She needed something to hold onto.
Tawnypelt let the mole drop beside the rabbit then began to clean her paws of blood. "That's probably enough prey to carry back, unless we can find any mice."
"I didn't smell any nearby."
"Me neither," Tawnypelt's tail swung in thought. "We got lucky with how quick we were. We should probably give the others some more time."
"Knowing those two, they'll need the whole afternoon." Squirrelpaw piped, making Tawnypelt chuckle again.
"I'm sure they're getting on alright. But I think it's a little early to go back." Tawnypelt laid down in the cool grass, sighing as she rested her chest on her front paws. "Might as well relax a little. We have a long night coming up after all."
Squirrelpaw beamed, admittedly all that running had made her paws a little sore. It would be good to get a bit of sunlight. She rolled onto her side, feeling relief swell over her legs as she stretched her stiff legs. The crisp grass was soothing against her fur and the mellow rays of the sun stroked her like her mother's tongue.
"Ahh." Squirrelpaw murmured, "This is nice."
"Heh, never get this much sun under the forest, do you?" Tawnypelt said smoothly.
"Isn't Shadow in your clan's name?" Squirrelpaw replied, not opening her eyes.
"Fair enough." Tawnypelt laid out on her belly, her chin resting on the ground. Squirrelpaw was more than a little surprised. Tawnypelt always seemed alert throughout the journey, the one always ready for action. To see her like this was a welcome change. They all deserved a little peace, they had to appreciate the little things.
"So," Tawnypelt mewed, "How do you think the others have got on?"
"Well we haven't heard anything from Feathertail, so at least we know we're safe for the time being." Squirrelpaw said. They certainly weren't far enough to miss a sudden cry from the Riverclan cat if she saw the Tribe. "As for the other two, I'm sure they've been able to catch something. They're not complete mouse-brains."
Tawnypelt murmured in agreement. "Well, it's good to see you and Brambleclaw are getting on better."
Squirrelpaw laughed, "It's good to see he's getting on better with all of us." It wasn't just her that Brambleclaw had needed to make up with. They'd all had their problems with him. It's just some had said more than others. Her eyes opened, gently examining her clanmate's sister. "I think it's more important you two are getting better. You're family, after all."
Tawnypelt swung her tail passively, "Don't worry, we'd make up at some point anyway." Her look became dull. "But it was a relief that he was able to apologise. It made everything so much easier."
"Hmm." Squirrelpaw muttered softly. She could still remember everything that her clanmate had said to her, how he'd made her feel, how he had made her hate him. She was happy she could move past it a little. Now she was able to feel comfortable around him, just a bit.
"Thank you, as well." Tawnypelt meowed, rising up with a chirp.
"What for?"
"For giving him a chance." Tawnypelt said, "After how he treated you, I never would have thought you'd ever want to hunt with him."
Tawnypelt looked so grateful that Squirrelpaw almost felt guilty. It was true that she wanted to get on better with Brambleclaw. But that wasn't the reason she'd hunted with him.
It was the same reason that she was hunting with Tawnypelt.
Squirrelpaw whispered a hiss in her throat. Bad thoughts! Bad thoughts! Get out of my head!
"No problem!" Squirrelpaw blurted out, fighting the obvious mistake of shaking her head. "I wasn't going to be like he was acting. As long as he sticks to how he is now, we should get by without me clawing his eyes out."
"Heh, I'm certain he wouldn't dare." Tawnypelt rolled onto her side, letting the grass cool all over her.
"He'd better not. I don't want the mouse-brain I knew from back home to come back." She did mean that. The way Brambleclaw was acting now was certainly the best she'd ever seen of him. They may have been friends before, but it didn't mean that he hadn't been a know-it-all moss-mind.
A peaceful silence reigned between the two cats for a moment, only broken by the whistle of the wind beginning to rise. Then, Squirrelpaw heard the grass around Tawnypelt crack as she rose up.
"Squirrelpaw?"
"Yeah?" The ginger molly mewed, shifting to meet her gaze.
Tawnypelt's muzzle crinkled with question, "If you and Brambleclaw didn't get on so well at Thunderclan," Her tail wavered thoughtfully, "Why did you want to come with him on this journey so badly?"
Oh. Squirrelpaw let out a dry laugh. That was a good question.
"I mean," Tawnypelt went on, "I thought before you were here to look out for Brambleclaw before, or like maybe because you wanted some kind of adventure. But I think I was wrong about both those things. Was I?"
She was. It was definitely something else. Something that made Squirrelpaw's tail sink a little. Only one cat knew why she'd really come along, and that cat was…
She groaned. By Starclan, she was bad at following her own advice.
Maybe troubled by Squirrelpaw's silence, a sorry sigh escaped Tawnypelt. "Look, if it sounds like I'm unhappy you're here, that isn't what I meant. I'm just-"
"No no, I know it wasn't." Squirrelpaw spouted. Tawnypelt wasn't that kind of cat. Whenever she'd had the chance, she'd always made feel Squirrelpaw feel welcome among them. The Shadowclan molly clearly trusted her, she wouldn't have told her about her own problems with Thunderclan and Shadowclan if she hadn't.
She was a cat Squirrelpaw trusted greatly. Her fluffy tail wavered vigorously for a moment, before lying flat again in decision. It couldn't hurt to let her know. They'd all come so far after all.
"I came because," Squirrelpaw began, uncurling the knots in her stomach. It was surprisingly easier than she thought. It wasn't like she was admitting anything that deep. "Well, I want to prove myself to my clan."
Tawnypelt's whiskers curled up curiously, "Prove yourself? Prove what?"
"Like, that I'm capable of taking care of myself, and other cats." Squirrelpaw meowed. She could feel her heart pace a little as the irritations from back home thundered in her memory. "Everyone seems to think I can't take care of myself just because I'm an apprentice."
Tawnypelt rolled her eyes, "Well that's a load of thistle-fluff! You saved my brother's life, so you clearly can."
Squirrelpaw grinned but it soon fell away. "Hmm, I don't think Brambleclaw will be rushing to tell anyone that story."
"He might."
"He might not." And if he didn't, nobody would believe her if she said it. Just another tall tale from the cat who wanted to act like she was as important as her father.
Tawnypelt's shuffled a little closer. "Well, you know you did. Isn't that enough, you know that you proved them wrong?"
Squirrelpaw's lips shut tight against each other. Her brow furrowed. "It won't be enough to shut them up." She knew that would reveal more, but she was okay with that. Again, she had some trust.
Now, Tawnypelt looked concerned. Her eyes widened, heavy with care for the cat before her. "What does that mean?"
Squirrelpaw felt the eyes deep on her. On her ginger fur. On her fiery fur. She groaned. "I'm the leader's daughter."
Tawnypelt said nothing, but there was a flicker of understanding in how her mouth pruned.
Squirrelpaw went on, "And apparently I'm…" Her voice transpired into a high, mocking imitation, "Too foolish, too overconfident, too belligerent." She hissed in annoyance; she didn't even know what the last word meant but Dustpelt had used it! Her paw batted at the grass as if she could hit the words away, "Too much not like my wonderful father!"
Tawnypelt made a sound of consideration. Squirrelpaw frowned when she heard a small snicker. Tawnypelt waved her paw at the apprentice, hiding the smile on her face. "Sorry, sorry. I'm sure that's annoying. But you've got to admit, you are a little bold."
Maybe that was true, but not enough that Squirrelpaw felt she'd deserved what had been said before she left.
"Oh, too bold that Firestar felt the need to say he might not give me a Warrior's ceremony." Squirrelpaw felt the smallest bit remorseful that she was taking that frustration out on her friend, but she couldn't help it. That moment had stuck with her ever since her father had hissed the words.
Instantly, Tawnypelt's smile abandoned her like teeth had sank into her throat, and her pelt prickled with utter disbelief. "He did what?!"
Any anger she had for her friend evaporated as she saw the disturbance in her expression. Squirrelpaw sniffed crossly, her chin resting on crossed paws. "Right before we left, that's what he told me."
"Why?"
"Because I allegedly can't follow orders." Squirrelpaw spat with disgust.
"Well… what orders were they?" Tawnypelt meowed, still clearly on the younger cat's side, though carrying a hint of scepticism.
Squirrelpaw remembered, and her blood went cold. She caught on to just who she was speaking to. Hesitantly, she responded, "To stay away from Brambleclaw."
"WHAT?!" Tawnypelt's body twisted up, her forepaws burying before her. Squirrelpaw flinched but she didn't look away. Tawnypelt stammered, her amber eyes blinking in confusion and growing temper. "Wha- Why would he order that?"
Squirrelpaw exhaled, her head sinking down again. Another good question. "I don't know. Even Brambleclaw hadn't done anything and Firestar was treating us both like we had invited rogues into the camp." Her father had treated them both unfairly. She wished she knew why.
"So, neither of you had done anything?" Tawnypelt kept her voice at a low pitch, but it was growing harder by the second.
"Not that I can remember. I skipped my training to hunt with him, but I don't see why that would lead to what he said."
Tawnypelt's amber orbs began to burn, "I can't see why either." But there was suspicion in her face, suspicion that made her darken. She darted back a look to Squirrelpaw, "And because of that, he said he might not make you a Warrior."
The Thunderclan cat sagged at the reminder. "Yep."
After a blazing quiet, Tawnypelt let out a growl, her tail hitting the ground forcefully. "Honestly? What goes on in Thunderclan these days?"
"You ask a lot of questions?" Squirrelpaw quipped, though her tone was noticeably droll. "I don't have any of the answers." If she did, she wouldn't spend so much time thinking about them. She didn't know what had led her father to become so harsh, especially when he knew just how much she wanted to become a Warrior. That was the last thing she would ever expect to come out of his jaws.
But he had said it. And it still burned.
"Sorry," Tawnypelt huffed. Squirrelpaw rose a brow, something had made her angry. She looked back at Squirrelpaw, smoothing down her anger. "Sorry, I can understand why that would upset you so much. It's just…"
Squirrelpaw looked up.
"I just can't help but think, if the reason Firestar doesn't want you to hang out with Brambleclaw." Something stung her face, she pulled in a breath like it was poison. "Is it has something to do with our father."
"No." Squirrelpaw pushed herself up, shocking Tawnypelt with her assurance. Squirrelpaw's eyes went stony. "No, it can't be because of that. Firestar has known Brambleclaw for moons, he wouldn't hold that against him." It wasn't Brambleclaw's fault that he was Tigerstar's son, he had proved himself a loyal member of Thunderclan.
Tawnypelt didn't look reassured. "You never saw what it was like for us when our father was exiled. How cats would look at us?" Squirrelpaw felt something twist as she imagined it. She could only picture how they were treat. Tawnypelt's head drew back up, horror in her face. "If Brambleclaw thinks that as well?"
Her paw gripped her face. "Oh Starclan, what did I say to him?"
Acting like him.
Squirrelpaw burst up, padding over to the worried cat. She regretted telling Tawnypelt now. She didn't want her to be like this. Especially when she was sure it was the wrong conclusion. "I'm sure it isn't about that! Brambleclaw is a well-respected cat in Thunderclan, the same way you're welcomed by Shadowclan."
Tawnypelt didn't speak. She just looked ahead, chewing the inside of her cheek, a small fire in her irises.
"I don't know why Firestar said what he said to us," She sat down next to the larger cat, almost embarrassed. "But I know that it can't be about Tigerstar. Firestar trusts Brambleclaw, so it must be just… something else. It has nothing to do with anything like that, though!"
Tawnypelt kept silent.
"Look, Brambleclaw knows you didn't mean what you said like that. You just meant that he was being too… overbearing; we all know he isn't some evil cat." Squirrelpaw purred. Lightly, the Shadowclan molly began to relax, her tail curling in. "Thunderclan knows that as well. There's nothing to worry about."
With a sparking idea, Squirrelpaw nudged her head against the molly, grinning. "Besides, why would Bluestar have chosen him if Thunderclan didn't think he was loyal?"
Squirrelpaw sought Tawnypelt's eye contact again, and this time it was returned. The tortoiseshell nudged away the touch, laughing slightly. Squirrelpaw brightened.
"Maybe." Tawnypelt considered, but whether she was being honest wasn't clear. Her brow knotted. "Whatever it was about though, Firestar certainly had no reason to treat you two like that."
Squirrelpaw clicked her tongue, waving her paw in a small circle. "No argument here."
"How could he not want to make you a Warrior?" Tawnypelt shook her head. A tremor ran along her jaw, and her throat vibrated with a low rumble. "If anyone deserves it, it's you."
"Thank you." Squirrelpaw didn't know what else to say. She wouldn't argue for or against, because she felt that she knew she did deserve it, but what else could she do; in the end, her father's duties came first.
The Warrior code came first.
Squirrelpaw trembled like snow was running down her chest.
She felt a gentle press against her cheek, Tawnypelt gave her ear a genial lick. "Hey, don't you think about that kind of nonsense. After all this, he'll have to make you a Warrior! You're going to be a hero when you go back after all!"
Nobody had ever called Squirrelpaw a hero before. But it was Tawnypelt's belief that mattered more to her. She still felt a bitter mew escape, "Knowing them, they'll probably just say I'd ran away and made them all worry." If any of them apart from Leafpaw were even worried, that was.
"Ha, pay no attention to them." Tawnypelt cried, tapping the apprentice on the shoulder with her tail. "Why should you listen to words that may as well be coming out of their backsides?" Squirrelpaw snorted.
Tawnypelt smacked her paw down on grass with a determining finality. "You're going to made a Warrior, no question about it. Don't even waste your time thinking about some empty threats."
The Warrior spoke so clearly, yet Squirrelpaw still couldn't believe her words clearly. There was no knowing what her father would do.
Still, it was nice to hear it from Tawnypelt.
"Thanks." Squirrelpaw said, hoping to drive away from her problems. "So what are you going to do when you get back to Shadowclan?"
"Probably depends on how far Blackstar will believe me about moving the clans." Tawnypelt sighed.
Squirrelpaw cringed a little. She sure was glad she wasn't the one in that situation. Blackstar was an infamously difficult cat.
"And if it goes well?" Squirrelpaw tried to lift a cheery smile.
"Then we find a new home. We all do. After that," Tawnypelt sniffed, "Well I don't know. I guess I'll be getting an apprentice sooner or later."
"You looking forward to that?"
Tawnypelt snickered, "I suppose that also depends. If I have one like you, I should be fine. But if somecat like Crowpaw comes along who thinks they're already a warrior." She made a fake choking noise. "I think I'd rather take on the river again."
Squirrelpaw laughed, "With you as a teacher, I don't think they'd dare lay a stray paw out of line."
"Oh, I'll make sure they know they can't. Unless they want their fur lining my den."
They both chuckled as light once again spread over the land, the clouds drifting away. Squirrelpaw eased into it, her eyes drifting closed.
"And what about you?" Tawnypelt asked, "You ready to show your clanmates what you're made of?"
Squirrelpaw kept her eyes shut, twisting a little. The mood pricked her tone again. "I've been trying to do that for moons." She huffed. She wasn't harsh, she wasn't going to take it out on Tawnypelt, but she wasn't calm about the topic either. "I think they expect something else from me."
Rather someone.
Did she need to say who?
When Tawnypelt spoke up again, after a short while, her voice was soft. "Well then they're idiots then. You are not another cat. What they want is their problem not yours."
Squirrelpaw muttered in small agreement. She didn't want to talk anymore about this. She understood that Tawnypelt knew how she was feeling, in a way, but she had overcome that already, she was respected in her clan.
Besides it had been easier for Tawnypelt. She'd had a shadow to overcome.
Squirrelpaw felt like the shadow to the light. She was meant to become something.
It wasn't the same.
But there was no way of explaining that without making this conversation more awkward. So, she left it at that.
"It can't be all of Thunderclan anyway," Tawnypelt offered, trying something new. "There have to be some cats you see as good friends. Any other apprentices?"
Squirrelpaw opened her eyes, "Sure I do." It wasn't that she didn't have any friends, she did have some good ones in Thunderclan.
Tawnypelt's tail curled in approval, "Well there you go! If you want any opinions, look at them."
Oh, she was sure they still saw Firestar in her. But… Squirrelpaw smiled. Tawnypelt was right, cats like Shrewpaw and Spiderpaw were certainly better company, they had had to respect her after they'd seen what she could do in training.
Even more when they'd had to grudgingly accept her strength if it meant her paw would stop holding them down all morning.
Squirrelpaw actually laughed at the memories.
"See." Tawnypelt arched her neck, her eyes shining on the apprentice, "It can't be all bad. Once you become a Warrior, and you will become one, you'll see how quickly things change."
She could certainly hope so. Though it didn't seem so much like hope anymore. She felt a growing sense of warmth with every word the Warrior said, a thankfulness that there was some cat who believed in her. Maybe it would not be so bad once she got back home. She'd have her friends and sister after all, and it was possible that her father's initial distrust was just a passing phase. He'd definitely have bigger things to worry about.
"Just wait until after your ceremony. Then you'll have new things to worry about." Tawnypelt chuckled, her tail swiping gleefully. A playful smirk began to crawl over her muzzle. "I mean, there's patrols, dealing with knew apprentices, and also," Her voice went into a snide drawl, "You'll be dealing with a lot more toms."
The pros of home sank into the ground. Squirrelpaw looked away hurriedly, mind whirring and chest heaving.
"I don't know what you're talking about." She said steadily.
"Is that why you're looking away?" Tawnypelt mewed, nudging the cat.
Squirrelpaw didn't speak up, she didn't protest. If she did she would give herself away.
"You don't need to be embarrassed about it." The Shadowclan cat teased. "Every cat deals with it eventually."
Squirrelpaw wanted to vanish. Wanted to go deaf. This conversation would only get worse before it got better. She knew how she looked, but Tawnypelt was wrong. She wasn't embarrassed, and she was dealing with it already.
But when she thought about it, it made her sad.
She could feel what Tawnypelt was going to say.
Please don't ask me Please for the love of Starclan don't ask me
"So," Tawnypelt asked, "Is there a tom you're hoping to impress when we get back?"
Squirrelpaw's throat strained. Even though the sun blazed, she felt the clouds come back, she could hear thunder somewhere far away.
"No, nobody."
Tawnypelt's grin was in her voice. "You're still looking away, you know."
Fox-dung! Fox-dung! Fox-dung!
"Come on, I won't tell anyone. You don't even have to tell me his name if you don't want to."
Was there even a point in denying it further? Tawnypelt was already too smart for her own good. She already could tell Squirrelpaw liked someone.
As long as they stayed as someone, Squirrelpaw could still make it out of this without having a full on fit.
"Alright," Squirrelpaw said, her jaw feeling heavier than usual. "I 'like' someone. Happy?" She was aware she wasn't meeting Tawnypelt's gaze, but what did it matter if the cat got what she wanted to hear.
"Not quite yet." Tawnypelt padded closer, resting her upturned cheeks on two paws. She craned her head to the side. "So, what's he like?"
You already know him.
"He's… quiet."
"You have good taste."
"And, um, he keeps to himself a lot. But… we get along really well."
Tawnypelt nodded, her glee was as sparkling as an apprentice's. "Well, that's a good start to it!" Squirrelpaw began to feel a little sick. "Is he a good hunter or fighter?"
"He's an amazing hunter." Squirrelpaw said, her mind glazing. She mustered a small smirk. "His fighting style's okay, but I'm always able to pin him." Her cheeks burned a little.
A laugh rumbled in the Shadowclan cat's throat, "Well I suppose I can't hold that against him. At least he can hunt though." Her sly beam plastered over her again, "So, important question here; is he handsome?"
Shimmering blue eyes. Sleek ebony fur. Lean, refined body. Moon white smile. Beautiful smile.
"Incredibly."
"Incredibly." Tawnypelt repeated. Squirrelpaw didn't need to see her face to know how she was looking at her. She must have looked very much affected by her own words and thoughts. A paw landed on her back. "Well then," Tawnypelt meowed, "Why don't you ask him?"
Because someone else thinks the same as me. Because that cat is my friend. Because he is in a different clan.
"I don't think I can." Squirrelpaw said.
Tawnypelt made as sound that may have been a purr or a scoff. "Why? Are you nervous?"
Squirrelpaw looked up at her – telling.
"Okay, that was a stupid question." Tawnypelt admitted, her tail sagging down. "But seriously, you should at least ask him. Trust me, it'll be a lot easier when you're apprentices. Wait… he is an apprentice right?"
Squirrelpaw nodded.
"Okay, good! But anyway, if I were you, I'd get it done now. You'll have a lot more on your mind when you're warriors."
Squirrelpaw swallowed. There's already a lot on my mind about it now. If Tawnypelt only knew, she wouldn't be as smooth as she was. Squirrelpaw settled on the lightest excuse, or rather the only one she could without defying the stars. "What if… he's interested in someone else?" She managed it out without her claws raking the ground out of its bed.
Tawnypelt looked down sceptically. "Do you know if he is?"
I know someone's interested in him. That thought must have transpired onto Squirrelpaw's face as Tawnypelt backed away a little, her eyes wide and her mouth opening a little.
"Oh..." The older molly looked aside awkwardly. It was a reaction that spoke volumes. It was a reaction that made Squirrelpaw realise what was coming next, her stomach twisting and curling as her friend sighed morosely.
"Well, if that's the case." She turned back to the apprentice. Squirrelpaw flinched at the pity in those amber eyes. "Then there isn't really anything you can do. And it's not fair, and I'm sorry, but you just have to try and move on."
Squirrelpaw's jaw clenched, somewhere inside herself she was growing angry. Not because she was hearing the much needed truth, but because it was something she already knew.
What do you think I'm trying to do? Why do you think I'm not with him right now? I'm already trying to move on! I'm already giving them every chance I can!
The tail patting softly on her back suddenly felt like she was being scalded. "Besides," Tawnypelt mewed genially, "There are plenty of other toms. Just give it a little time and you'll find someone who likes you just as much as you like them." Her purr became softer but it still sounded painful to Squirrelpaw. "By that point, you won't even remember feeling that way about the first tom."
That was something Squirrelpaw may have needed to hear to move on. The potential of another cat who made her feel like this. The possibility of someone who liked her back.
If only her mind could agree.
But what if I don't want to? What if I can't? What if there's no cat in Thunderclan who makes me feel like he does?
"I guess." Squirrelpaw responded.
Tawnypelt sighed again. Squirrelpaw realised just how bad she was at hiding her emotions. "I know, it's really annoying. But you can't change if they like someone else or not. You have to try and adapt to it."
She was trying. Probably not hard enough if her throat hurt like this.
"Yeah, you're right." Squirrelpaw rasped. Tawnypelt continued to 'comfort' her. But Squirrelpaw wasn't really listening anymore. She already knew.
Why did this have to be brought up? Why didn't she just drop it at the beginning? She knew the truth, so she knew how it made her feel. Pathetic. Stupid. Immature.
She wanted to let it go for their sake. But it was becoming more clear that no matter how hard she tried, it didn't and wouldn't change how she felt.
Because she had been giving them space, giving them the time they needed to blossom.
They could share tongues, they could grow closer, they could become more.
And she could sit aside and smile and support them and hide how much she wished she could trade places with Feathertail.
She liked to think that was enough to say she was a good friend to the pair.
That was all she needed to be: a good friend and a good Warrior.
So she thanked Tawnypelt for the advice she already knew, she refocused her mind of the night that would reach them soon enough, she carried the prey back to her other friends, she rubbed her pelt against Feathertail's as she took on the next watch shift, and she gave another silent prayer that the two could be happier together.
She did all this before Crowpaw had come back with Brambleclaw. Then only one cat would be waiting for him.
That was enough, right?
On her own, it was easier to focus on the rescue that needed to happen than the feelings she'd rather avoid.
…
I'd be lying if I thought this chapter was anywhere close to the quality I personally hold the others to. But, this is already far too long and I've gone over this too many times. I'm not sure if that's an acceptance of my limited abilities as a writer, or rather a desire to mover forward, but I suppose I'm satisfied enough. You guys be the judge.
Sorry this took so long. I've been working on other CrowSquirrel oneshots that you can find on my Tumblr. So, yeah, that's really me admitting I have a lack of focus. Sorry guys. I promise the next chapter won't take a friggin month.
A little emotional catharsis chapter. And look at that, Feathertail's confessed! That's something...
Anyway, I hope you guys still like this strange AU.
And as always, I'll talk to you in a while.