Squirrelpaw had expected to be happy.
She was home. Well… back to the forest at least. It had turned out that Thunderclan camp had been abandoned when the Twolegs had begun to storm through the forest. The bitter stink of their monsters still filled the air, even at their new camp. Sunningrocks was low, exposed, and hardly seemed to be full of much prey anymore, but it was safe enough for the clans to gather. Besides, it wasn't like they could afford to complain.
More importantly, her family was safe. As starved and tired as every cat was, but safe nonetheless. And Squirrelpaw knew she had to be grateful for that. It hadn't taken long to find out just how many cats had been lost due to the Twolegs destruction. Kits had starved, cats were grieving, and according to Cinderpelt, many cats had been taken away by Twolegs. No cat knew the reason why. Squirrelpaw chilled if she tried to imagine a reason.
But her family was safe, and her journey was complete. When she had left, she expected to come back with pride, feeling like some kind of hero.
She had been so foolish.
She had come back losing friends, to a destroyed home, to clanmates who glared at her like she was to blame. They took one look at her well-fed body and her toned muscles and hissed. Squirrelpaw desperately tried to pass it off as rightful anger they felt after being lost, starving, cold and confused for so long.
It didn't help.
Everywhere she looked, accusing, furious faces met her. And she hadn't even been able to explain where she'd been yet.
And when she had, or rather, when Brambleclaw had, it wasn't received much better.
Unsurprisingly, no cat, after all that had happened, looked happy at the news that they were being forced from their home.
The questions had come quick, and luckily Squirrelpaw expected most of them. Who was Midnight? Who were the other clan cats? What was the Sun-Drown place? Either her or Brambleclaw was able to explain them to a point where the cats looked somewhat satisfied.
But then it came. Her father peered at her, his green eyes flashing at the news of Brambleclaw's vision, the thing that had made him worthy of travelling in the first place.
"Did you have a dream like that?" Firestar cried, his eyes wide with concern.
Squirrelpaw bit her lip, embarrassed shame making her tail flatten. "I- Um- No, I didn't." It wouldn't do any good if she lied, it would just get her in even bigger trouble. She cowered at the way her father's eyes narrowed.
"So then, what was the reason you decided to go?"
Squirrelpaw's mouth felt like it was full of sand. She could see the frustration compel her parents. She couldn't tell Firestar it was about how angry she'd been about how he'd treated her and Brambleclaw. She scrambled her brain for an answer. "I-I just thought I could help."
"That isn't a reason to put yourself in danger," Dustpelt growled, disappointment evident on his expression. Squirrelpaw looked down, letting out a soft breath. "Do you realise how worried the clan was about you two?"
"We understand that." Brambleclaw said, "And we're sorry. But we couldn't-"
Dustpelt turned on Brambleclaw with fresh anger, "Why didn't you make her come back here?" He snapped, "What would have happened if she'd gotten killed?"
Squirrelpaw looked up with a gasp. She saw Brambleclaw's lips thin with obvious horror. "It wasn't Brambleclaw's fault!" She insisted to her mentor. It wasn't fair for Brambleclaw to take the blame. "He didn't want to take me with him, but I told him I wouldn't go back. I'm the one who chose to go."
She felt every stare that stabbed her direction. Firestar and Sandstorm both shared a familiar tired look, while she the despondent, dismissive expressions knot over the faces of Mousefur and Brackenfur even when they were only just within earshot. There was a part of her that believed she could hear their thoughts.
Of course. Making trouble just like always.
And she wonders why she isn't a warrior yet. Is this really a leader's daughter?
Just imagine how her father must feel? He'd be better if she'd stayed lost.
We'd all be better off.
The voices cut her mind so well they might have been whispers. The abandoned ache tugged at her heart again. She suddenly wished she could be anywhere else but home right now.
"I'm glad she came."
Squirrelpaw's breath caught in her throat, letting a silent whimper fade away. She found Brambleclaw looking softly at her, a gentle smile, one that suited him well, on his lips, glowing like a fire desperate to warm her. Squirrelpaw cocked her head, open mouthed.
Brambleclaw turned back to his leader, breaking the unbearable silence. "Forgive me Firestar, but I have to say how grateful I am to Squirrelpaw. Along the journey, I can safely say that she was one of the bravest of us all. If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't even be here now." He cast a grin towards Dustpelt, "You trained her well. Our journey could have easily failed if Squirrelpaw hadn't been there when we needed her."
Any sound that crept over Squirrelpaw's sternum fell to the dryness of her tongue. The words rolled in Brambleclaw's mouth too smoothly to be fake. He meant what he was saying.
"If she was put in harms way, that's my fault for allowing her to come; so punish me instead if you want to. But I can't honestly say that I made the wrong decision letting her come. I can't be thankful enough for what she did for us during our journey." Brambleclaw turned away from his leader's stare to where Squirrelpaw sat gaping up at him. With the sway of a tail, Squirrelpaw found her upturned head travel down, where Brambleclaw had dipped his head to her like she was a leader herself. His amber eyes flickered with kind embers.
The other cats were staring at him with odd, tilted heads. Firestar and Sandstorm met each other with raised brows. The dismissive whispers began to fade away to bemused chatter. Squirrelpaw couldn't describe how she was feeling, all she knew was that for just a moment, the atmosphere felt light and warm.
Brambleclaw knew he was being dramatic. He knew he had to be to drive his point through. He also knew how this would look more embarrassing for him than bold. And he was doing it all for her.
Brambleclaw straightened up again, "Thank you for your help." He said to her, needless and needed all the same. He winked at her softly.
Squirrelpaw felt a knot rise in her throat. It wasn't just because of what Brambleclaw had said. It was because that looking at him now, she knew that something had become right. Despite everything that had troubled the pair, their friendship was still alive.
Slowly, Squirrelpaw let herself smile. But she couldn't let him take any punishment for her. She was about to open her mouth when she heard Firestar sigh. He looked at the pair, exhausted.
"While I believe you Brambleclaw, and I'm happy to hear that Squirrelpaw kept safe, you still had a duty to make sure she was never in danger to begin with." The leader exclaimed, his tail lashing. Squirrelpaw's heart sank with sympathy when Brambleclaw looked down in defeat. "Regardless of what happened in truth, it is your duty to keep your clanmates safe." At that, Firestar cast a sorrowful glance out to where Greystripe sat still choked with heartache.
Squirrelpaw bit her lip, feeling the hurt tighten her chest again. But she couldn't stay silent. "But Brambleclaw was only following Starclan's orders, don't we have a duty to them as well." As hypocritical as that was coming out of her mouth, she still knew the words would benefit Brambleclaw's case.
Firestar narrowed his eyes, holding his stare on his daughter until she had to turn away. The leader's tail swung from side to side for a moment. Then he exhaled deeply, his face softening. "In any case, there was a reason you two left, and I would prefer to talk more about that." Squirrelpaw's head snapped up hopefully. Her father frowned at her, "Neither of you are out of the woods, we will talk about this, believe me."
Squirrelpaw winced, dipping her head again, "Yes, Firestar." She felt the tip of Brambleclaw's tail gently touch her back, but she did not feel soothed. Mostly she just felt stupid. She should have expected to get in trouble, she was an idiot for feeling any cat would be excited to see her back.
When the clan was in such a mess, the return of trouble was nothing to be happy about.
Nobody asked her to continue explaining anything. Nobody asked for her to say anything. If she said anything, they just looked at her with grudging, empty, uncaring stares.
No matter what Brambleclaw had said, she wasn't the one who was chosen. She was just the apprentice who had gotten involved.
She wasn't important, and if no one wanted to hear her part she may as well just keep her mouth shut.
And that was what she did. She waited, listening as Brambleclaw explained whatever Firestar asked him too. Brambleclaw tried to include Squirrelpaw's input, but a haze seemed to spread across whenever her name was mentioned.
She found the cats were more than happy whenever she just nodded along and kept silent.
At least she was doing some good that way.
When the story was told, no cat said anything. Squirrelpaw watched her father, fear stinging her chest. She could hear the angry and scared mutters around her. It only made sense. No cat would want to leave their home. But they had to if they wanted to survive.
If Firestar chose to discard their warnings… Squirrelpaw swallowed, pleading with her eyes to her father. Please, Firestar. You have to believe us. The leader didn't look her way, he was staring out to the forest, his breathing getting heavier as his fur prickled then lied flat.
Mousefur stepped forward, "Will you go then?" She asked. She looked frightened. "To meet with the other leaders?"
Every cat turned to Firestar. The sunlight seemed to focus on him, blazing on his bright fur. The leader met her face with a firm nod. "Nothing could keep me away."
Every cat looked surprised.
For Squirrelpaw, it was for the right reasons.
A deep purr escaped her, tingling through her entire body. He believed them. Their journey had not been for nothing. The molly looked up at her father, unable to hide the solace rushing in her heart. The leader still looked troubled. Can I blame him? This won't be easy news to deliver to Thunderclan. But with his support, she couldn't think of one clan cat who wouldn't follow his instructions.
Dustpelt's eyes were wide, "Firestar?" He meowed softly, "I can't believe you'd want to take the clans away?" The tom didn't sound angry, just overwhelmed.
Firestar sighed, "Right now, I don't know what I'm going to do. But I'm not sure if the Clans can survive leaf-bare. I cannot let my Clan suffer if there's anything I can do to prevent it. We cannot ignore this message. It may be our only hope of survival. If there is a sign, I want to see it for myself."
The leader met Brambleclaw, who stood rigid with concern. Firestar nodded at him with approval, "We'll go there tonight. Let's hope the other clan's do the same."
And that was that. While Firestar began to soothe the worries of the understandably sceptical cats around him, Squirrelpaw saw Brambleclaw let out a sigh as if he was finally being freed from a season long pain. She felt the same joy that their story had truly meant something. This was by no means the end of it, the other clans needed convincing too, but it was an important start.
She pressed against Brambleclaw's side, shooting him a sunny glance. "You can stop trembling now." She whispered.
The tom chuckled lightly, "Thank you for your permission." He jibed, letting out another sigh. She could only imagine how he felt. Bluestar had come to him after all. He was the one who'd been tasked with this, whatever stress she'd felt must have been a mere stream compared to the weight on his shoulders.
But he'd done it, that was all that mattered. And after everything, he'd kept his word. He'd shocked his clanmates by praising her to no end, right to his leader's face.
It was the truth, she had saved him, like he had saved her, but the way he expressed it was something that demanded her gratitude.
Squirrelpaw looked down, "Thank you for what you said."
"It's not like I was lying. I'd have drowned if you weren't there to pull me out."
Squirrelpaw licked her chest in embarrassment, "Somebody else would have saved you."
Brambleclaw shrugged, "Maybe, but it was you who did it." He gave Squirrelpaw a friendly lick on her ear, "Don't worry about the other's, they're just confused."
"I know," Squirrelpaw muttered, her whiskers twitching. She must have looked pathetic. "I just want them all to understand. We can't let any more cats die." Her eyes widened with a terrifying thought. "What if the other clans won't listen?"
"They won't." Brambleclaw assured her, his tail resting beside her flank. "Firestar is a great leader. If anyone can convince them, he can."
Squirrelpaw purred to feign comfort, but she still shook. If the other clans didn't listen, that meant that the leaders would hold their cats back from leaving. They'd all surely die! Even her friends who knew about what dangers lied ahead couldn't escape if their leaders forbid it!
They'd all be trapped, awaiting their deaths.
Once the image of their faces filled her mind, stiff with horror in front of the storming yellow claws of two-leg monsters, Squirrelpaw struggled to remove it. All of the cats she'd grown to care for; imagining them in that situation killed her inside.
She couldn't let that happen, she'd beg Firestar to let them come with Thunderclan if she had to, before she would let them die like that.
Maybe she was being too quick to judge, it was true that Firestar held a good name, even among their strongest rivals. He really was the only cat who could convince the leaders beside her friends.
She hoped at least. She held on to that hope as if she would sink without it. Truthfully, she probably would.
The cats around them began to disperse, returning to their duties, sullen-faced and stiff-tailed. They would follow, Squirrelpaw knew, but they wouldn't be at ease until they saw their new home for themselves.
Squirrelpaw looked aside awkwardly. She was done there, Firestar was convinced. It would probably be best to leave Brambleclaw to explain anything else that warranted it. There had to be something she could do to help her struggling clanmates. They deserved that much from her after how long she'd been gone.
Squirrelpaw pressed her tail to Brambleclaw, "I'll see you later." She meowed, turning away. Maybe there was a patrol that she could help…
"Squirrelpaw." A strong voice called. Squirrelpaw flinched, her eyes closing. "Come here for a moment."
Squirrelpaw turned back, meeting the expectant stares of her parents. Firestar's tail thumped on the ground. "I did say we would talk about you two leaving, didn't I?"
Squirrelpaw looked helplessly to Brambleclaw, the brown tom just winced along with her. She let out a soft whimper, not hiding the slack of her tail as she padded reluctantly back to her awaiting leader. Each step felt like she was pulling herself through thick mud, except it was a cliff she was reaching instead of safety.
She forced herself to face Firestar. Beside him, Sandstorm watched Squirrelpaw with the same dull eyes as her mate. Squirrelpaw shifted uncomfortably, feeling small under the pressure.
"Now," Sandstorm took a step forward, looking like any questions she could possibly have she already knew. "Is there anything else you'd like to say?"
Squirrelpaw wondered if that was a trick question. She hoped it wasn't. "I'm sorry." That was probably her safest bet. Her face felt hot, whether it was from shame or embarrassment she didn't know.
Sandstorm sighed, "You've already said that. But Squirrelpaw, I don't understand why you felt it was necessary to just run off like that. Do you know how scared I was?"
"How scared we both were?" Firestar added, his voice dry with disappointment. "We didn't know where you could have gone. For all we knew, you could have still been somewhere in the forest." A shiver rumbled over his tail.
"I know." Squirrelpaw mewed, "I just didn't like the thought of Brambleclaw going by himself. He's my clanmate, I felt that someone he knew should be with him." She looked at Brambleclaw mildly, relieved to find him nodding along to her story.
"Squirrelpaw," Sandstorm's voice was gentle, but her face was rigid with sadness. "While we know you meant well, and you're intentions were noble, Brambleclaw is a Warrior and you're still an apprentice." The sandy molly explained. Squirrelpaw's stomach sank as her mother pressed her nose against her forehead. "A brave apprentice, but still not one that should risk her life like that."
"I wasn't risking my life!" Squirrelpaw felt that sting hurt her again. The worthless idea of being just an apprentice. "I didn't know what this journey would be like!"
"That's the point, Squirrelpaw!" Firestar exclaimed, "You didn't know. This could have ended much worse than it did. You're still learning how to protect yourself, you need to understand that. It's not up to you to make these kind of decisions!"
Suddenly, Firestar's eyes widened, and he faced Brambleclaw with a thin look. "How did she find out about your dreams in the first place? Did you tell her about them?" Firestar's tone began to harden. Brambleclaw's ears went back in worry.
"It wasn't like that!" Squirrepaw squeaked, "I followed him when he went off to see the other chosen cats for the first time! I threatened to tell the clan unless he told me what it was about!"
"Squirrelpaw." Sandstorm sighed, her breath sounded cold with chagrin.
"Sandstorm," Brambleclaw mewed, "I promise you that Squirrelpaw made sure that her life was never in any danger! Again, it was me who ended up owing my life to her! Even if she wasn't chosen, she deserved to be there!"
"That may well be, Brambleclaw." Firestar said, his tail lashing, "But you didn't know that. If she hadn't come home-"
"But I am home!" Squirrelpaw yowled. She knew she was only getting herself into deeper trouble by interrupting Firestar, but she was getting sick of Brambleclaw getting scolded over these assumptions. "I'm alive, aren't I? Don't get angry at Brambleclaw for something that didn't happen!"
Three pairs of eyes locked on her. Her parents with hard frowns. Brambleclaw with a scared grimace.
"It's true!" Squirrelpaw shouted, not waiting to be scolded again. "What's the point of getting your fur ruffled? I'm fine! Nothing happened to me!"
Sandstorm shook her head, "The point is, Squirrelpaw, you had all of Thunderclan worried? And Brambleclaw should have known better than to take you somewhere where you could have been killed. Just because nothing bad happened doesn't mean the risk wasn't there in the first place."
Squirrelpaw looked away, scoffing, with a thump of her tail. She wasn't about the repeat the same point when no one would even listen to her. She wasn't dead, so what was the point of dwelling on some idea that never came to be. What mattered was the present.
Firestar kept quiet for a moment. "Squirrelpaw," He said slowly, "You leaving didn't have anything to do with what I said before, did it?"
Squirrelpaw and Brambleclaw both could have jumped out their pelts.
She tried to keep a straight face, but from the way Firestar was looking at her she could tell something was wrong. Her father's words, his orders, roared through her head again. His demand to stay away from Brambleclaw. That cutting warning he had spat at her. It taunted Brambleclaw too; they had both gone against their leader's word.
"I told you already," Squirrelpaw said quickly, "I left because I thought Brambleclaw needed my help. It wasn't because I was trying to disobey you."
Sandstorm cocked her head, "Excuse me? What are they talking about?" She faced her mate suspiciously, "What did you say?"
While his daughter bit her lip, Firestar sighed morosely. He looked uneasy. "I told Squirrelpaw that I didn't think she was ready for her Warrior's ceremony if she was-"
"What?!" Every cat flinched at the ferocity in Sandstorm's voice. Her eyes blazed on her mate, unbelievably angry. "Why would you say that?"
Firestar's tail twitched uncomfortably. He settled his voice low as to not offend his furious mate. "It was just a warning of what could happen if she didn't follow orders correctly."
Squirrelpaw's eyes widened. And what orders were those?! She thought bitterly. Luckily, her mother already looked appalled.
"What orders? I know more than anyone that Squirrelpaw can be troublesome, but not enough that she deserved something like that! Were you trying to scare her or something mouse-brained like that?
"I was just telling her-"
"By Starclan, Firestar! What did you think you were going to achieve by saying that? Did you think that would scare her into being good? You should know that something like that would just make it worse!"
Bramblestar was staring at Sandstorm like she was a whole Clan ready for battle. Squirrelpaw was certainly shocked, but not by Sandstorm's bold nature, she'd seen enough of that before, no, she was astonished by the way her mother was defending her. She had assumed that Sandstorm would have agreed with Firestar's warning.
Apparently not by the way the sandy cat looked like she would start foaming in anger.
She was standing up for her daughter, just a little. That meant more than the world to Squirrelpaw.
"Sandstorm," Firestar exhaled, trying to keep calm. If he rose his voice, Sandstorm would respond even greater. "If Squirrelpaw is going to keep herself safe, she needs to learn when to not take action herself. This should be an example of that."
Sandstorm rolled her eyes, "And you thought instead of explaining that, that threatening her would make a better solution? What orders did she even disobey to begin with?"
Firestar's mouth stilled half-way open, then shut with a thin groan. He cast a soft glance to the returned cats, stopping lightly on Squirrelpaw. His daughter felt an uncomfortable tingling on her pelt as she waited for him to respond. He'd been so clear with those instructions before, why now was he afraid to say them again? Was he afraid of how Sandstorm would certainly demand an explanation.
The Leader looked small for just a shaky breath, then he inhaled, straightening up with the natural confidence he usually radiated.
"There's something I need to tell you, Sandstorm. But not here."
"Why?" Sandstorm snapped.
"Just trust me." He said softly. "I'll explain it to you soon."
Squirrelpaw felt anger wreck her gut again. Her eyes narrowed on her father, but he didn't notice as he stared down his scoffing partner. Why couldn't he just say it? She wanted an explanation for why he hadn't wanted her around Brambleclaw! It had been so unfair!
She inwardly grumbled. There would be no use asking him, if he wasn't going to tell Sandstorm, he certainly wasn't going to tell her.
"Fine." Sandstorm meowed. "But consider this, Firestar, when it comes to an apprentice's Warrior ceremony, their mentor is the one who decides if they are ready or not."
Squirrelpaw's eyes lit up as her mother padded closer to her, the anger slipping from her face. "Dustpelt is the one who has seen Squirrelpaw's capabilities as a Warrior more than either of us have, so if he tells me that Squirrelpaw has shown the bravery and strength that a Warrior requires in her training," Sandstorm tilted her face down to the ginger molly, softly winking at her. "Which he has, I will trust his judgment more than any cat in the clan!"
The soothing brush of her mother's tongue stroked Squirrelpaw's cheek, leaving a physical warmth that was minute compared to the happiness glowing inside her. When she looked at Sandstorm she could see the trust, the belief, as real as her mother's whiskers. She knew that despite what her mother said, a leader could easily dismiss a mentor's words if they saw fit. But the fact that Sandstorm trusted the faith that Dustpelt had secretly praised Squirrelpaw with, that meant everything to the molly!
She eased against her mother's fur. The genial touch was the first pleasant surprise that Squirrelpaw found herself blessed with.
"She really is worthy of that ceremony." Brambleclaw added, "I've never met any apprentice like her."
"Knowing what you were like as an apprentice, I'm grateful she didn't pick up on any of your impulses." Squirrelpaw worried that Sandstorm was snapping at Brambleclaw again, but when she pulled away, she could see a small smirk on the cat's face. She snickered herself at Brambleclaw's awkward sigh of relief.
"I'm sure you acted like a true Warrior, Squirrelpaw." Sandstorm purred. She gave her daughter a firm look. "But you didn't need to disappear like that. An important part of being a Warrior is trusting your clanmates, no matter what. Understand?"
It may have been a scolding, but there was a clear shimmer of love in her mother's eyes. Squirrelpaw nodded gently. She did trust her family, of course. She just hadn't wanted to betray Brambleclaw's trust. Still, she knew what her mother meant. "Yes, Sandstorm."
Sandstorm purred, appeased. "Good. Well, I think that's enough for the time being. There's still work to do around the camp. Why don't you go help Cinderpelt and Leafpaw? Your sister has been worried sick about you."
Squirrelpaw gasped. Leafpaw! How had she forgotten about her? Her heart swelled at the realisation that her sister was okay! And if Sandstorm's reaction was anything to go by, Leafpaw had stuck to her promise to keep Squirrelpaw's involvement in the journey secret. She beamed. She needed to see her! Squirrelpaw nodded, but looked to Firestar for approval.
The leader met her gaze for a hesitant second, but soon nodded. "Go on." He said.
Squirrelpaw felt energy fill her body again. She turned, finding Brambleclaw in her path. She cast him a grateful smile. Him backing her up whenever he could had helped immensely. "Good luck at the meeting tonight." She mewed.
"You're not coming?" Brambleclaw meowed. To Squirrelpaw's surprise, he actually sounded sad.
The apprentice shifted nervously. After all that had happened, she hadn't thought that Firestar would want her there. She wasn't chosen after all.
It looked like Brambleclaw could read her thoughts as he swiftly cried out. "You have to come! You were a part of the journey as well. It wouldn't be right if you weren't there!"
Squirrelpaw blushed at the words, but her heart still pounded fearfully. She turned back to where her father and mother stood, hopefully looking to them.
Sandstorm turned to Firestar, giving him a hard look. The Thunderclan leader swished his tail thoughtfully, his eyes brimming with reluctance. His eyes rested on Squirrelpaw's though and the scepticism dimmed. Something wavered in his irises, making his tail slacken. Squirrelpaw's ears perked up, the tension in her chest uncurling.
Firestar let out a soft breath, then the corners of his muzzle upturned. "Brambleclaw's right. Right or wrong, you were a part of this journey. It makes sense for you to be there for the rest of it."
Squirrelpaw blinked, then elation took hold of her. It had been a long time since she had felt this happy before her father, and she wasn't going to let it slip away so easily now.
"We'll see you before moon-high, okay?" Firestar asked.
Squirrelpaw nodded feverishly, "Of course!"
"Alright then." Firestar waved his tail. "Now off you go. Leafpaw will be grateful for some extra paws."
Squirrelpaw grinned at her father, padding away past Brambleclaw with an excited mew. The tom's eyes were also bright with joy. She flicked her tail against his pelt before she scampered off.
I belong there. Squirrelpaw replayed the words in her head, her grin broadening with each syllable. Firstar practically said I belonged there.
It was like a dream come true! She had wanted desperately to be seen as a real Warrior by her father, and now it looked like it was finally happening. Despite how he had initially scolded her, he had left her with praise that she had only heard it her greatest daydreams.
He had acknowledged that she had taken part in a great quest. And he said that she should see the rest of it out with her friends! He saw her as a part of the chosen cats!
Okay, maybe she was overreacting just a bit, but she couldn't help it! This was amazing! And now she was going to see her sister again, after all this time! She just needed to find the medicine den and-
Squirrelpaw paused. Oh… right. There was no medicine den anymore. There wasn't much of anything about their old home anymore.
Squirrelpaw looked around the ruined forest awkwardly. Where were the medicine cats now? It would probably be best to ask somecat who-
"There you are!"
Squirrelpaw jumped a little at the sudden voice, but let out a relived breath when she saw who it was. "Oh! Hey, Ashfur!" She called.
The tom rushed over to where she stood. He grinned broadly down at her, his chest puffed out happily. Squirrelpaw was impressed. Even though the tom was obviously starving, he still looked strong and healthy. That was good! Maybe Thunderclan could survive the journey after all.
"So," The tom meowed, "Where have you been? We all thought something had happened to you and Brambleclaw."
Squirrelpaw thought for a moment. As much as she wanted to let the clan know what awaited them, it was up to Firestar to do that. He still needed to talk with the other leaders. "Firestar will explain everything later. I can't really say anything yet."
Ashfur raised a brow, "Really?" He moaned, "But you guys were gone for so long. The least you could do is tell some of us where you went."
Squirrelpaw shrugged, "You'll know soon enough. Firestar just has some things to decide first."
Ashfur frowned, his shoulders sagging. "Well, I hope he decides it soon. We can't sit around waiting for too long."
Squirrelpaw suddenly remembered something and her head dropped. "I heard about Larchkit." She mewed softly. Ashfur's eyes widened, and his muzzle creased at the memory of his niece. "I'm so sorry."
Ashfur sniffed, his eyes narrowing. "Why? It was the two-legs that got her killed. It wasn't your fault."
Squirrelpaw's tail trembled down. She could still picture Ferncloud's dark glare on her pelt, the same as many of her clanmates. She'd heard Ferncloud's accusation that they'd left because they didn't want to face leaf-bare. They'd made it seem like it was Squirrelpaw's fault. "I tried to talk to Ferncloud, but… I don't think she wants to listen to me."
Ashfur made a soft noise in his throat, he stepped closer to her. "Don't worry about it. Ferncloud's just grieving, she doesn't really blame you for any of this." Ashfur touched his nose to Squirrelpaw's ear, "Everyone knows that you guys wouldn't leave Thunderclan like that. I do, anyway."
Squirrelpaw felt Ashfur's breath hot in her ear. It wasn't so pleasant. She took a gentle step back. "Still, I don't think many cats like the fact we came back. Not when all of this has happened."
"Don't be a mouse-brain." Ashfur said, his tail curling. "Of course, we're glad you're back." He smiled thinly again, quickly pressing his nose to Squirrelpaw's forehead before she could do anything. "I definitely missed you."
Squirrelpaw was glad to hear that. With every harsh pair of eyes that still hurt to picture, it was a relief that someone from her clan actually missed her and was happy to see her again. Though, it wasn't that surprising. Ashfur had always been friendly to her whenever they met. Maybe he could talk to Ferncloud and help her understand what Squirrelpaw and Brambleclaw had really been trying to do.
"Thanks Ashfur." Squirrelpaw said.
Ashfur smiled but he didn't say anything else. He stood there, his tail swaying, as if he was expecting Squirrelpaw to say something else.
"Oh, uh, how have you been doing then?" She cringed as she saw his thinning body again. "Or is that a stupid question?"
Ashfur laughed, but it sounded dry. Dissapointed? "Not so bad. Moving from camp was difficult, settling here even more so. But it can't get much worse. Compared to some of our clanmates I've been lucky, I'd say. At least I still haven't lost my strength." The tom smirked a little.
Squirrelpaw nodded. It was somewhat reassuring to see a clanmate in good spirits. "Well, that's good to hear."
"Hey!" Ashfur's ears perked up, his eyes brightening. He was so quick he'd almost interrupted her. "Do you want to come hunting with me? I could use some extra help; besides it will give you a chance to see more of the camp?"
The Warrior's tone was so bright with excitement that Squirrelpaw actually felt a little guilty when she remembered she had somewhere to go. "I would, Ashfur. But Firestar asked me to go help Leafpaw? Sorry." She gave him a hopeful look. "Could you tell me where we've set up our medicine den?"
The smile left Ashfur's face. He rolled his eyes with a dry chuckle. "I wouldn't worry about that. Leafpaw and Cinderpelt are doing fine enough on their own." His eyebrows curled up, almost pleadingly. "The clan is short on prey, right now, not medicine. I'm sure that Firestar would understand."
His eyes bore on Squirrelpaw, remaining fixed uncomfortably long. Squirrelpaw's smile twitched. "I'm sorry, Ashfur. But I can't just disobey Firestar." She let out a short laugh. "After how long I've been gone, that would be mouse-brained." The laughter faded away as Ashfur's muzzle went thin, his tail swiping the ground. Squirrelpaw tried her best to give him a friendly look. She did appreciate he was happy to see her. "I'm sure you'll be fine. Maybe Brackenfur or Dustpelt can give you some help?"
Ashfur licked his shoulder, his breathing was quick like he was frustrated. "I'm sure they'll already have work to do. I don't really want to interrupt them if they're doing anything important." He focused a look on her again. When he smiled, this time, it looked different.
"I-I understand, Ashfur, but I'm sure some-cat can-"
"Honestly, Squirrelpaw, I really want your help." He said with a deep purr. He took a step forward and one of Squirrelpaw's back legs followed that direction. "I've heard from the other apprentices just how skilled you are and I'd really like," He winked. "To see it for myself."
He was praising her just like before. But Squirrelpaw wasn't so happy about it now. She got that Ashfur wanted some help, and the fact he was so adamant must have been a testament to how much he trusted her, but it didn't change the fact that she had somewhere to be.
"Sorry, Ashfur." This time, Squirrelpaw wasn't smiling. "But I really can't. I'll help you hunt when I'm not busy, okay?" Her voice was still soft, but it was undeniably clear. She didn't want to sound unkind after all, she just wanted to go where she'd been asked.
Ashfur rolled his eyes again, this time with a real upset murmur. Squirrelpaw's ears went back absently as she saw the tom's tail flare. She felt a sharp worry in her gut.
"Squirrelpaw."
The voice mercifully took Squirrelpaw away. But melancholy soon took hold of her again as she saw Thunderclan's deputy padding towards her. His eyes were still raw. He looked slowly between the two cats. "Am I interrupting anything?" He said, straining to make his voice strong.
"No." Squirrelpaw said, relieved when Ashfur didn't interject. She still saw his tail lash though. "I was just on my way to find Cinderpelt and Leafpaw, do you know where they are?"
Greystripe nodded, "Yes, we've put together a small den in a ridge nearby. I can take you there, if you'd like." He swallowed, meeting her with a sniff. "On the way, I'd like to talk with you about something."
That didn't sound good.
Still, Squirrelpaw nodded gently. She turned to Ashfur, who stood frowning at the ground. A small guilt crept into her. "If you need help later, Ashfur, I don't mind. If I'm not busy, I'll come find you." She did want to help wherever she could.
The light grey cat didn't look too satisfied, but he couldn't argue further, not when a deputy wanted her for something. Ashfur exhaled sharply, "Okay then." With a snap of his head, his mood changed into a bright smile again. It still didn't look right. "I'll see you later, then. Good luck." He nodded to her and Greystripe before padding away.
Squirrelpaw thought she could see the tom's back fur prickling
Probably just her imagination.
Though the way his tail dragged across the ground certainly wasn't.
"This way." Greystripe said, "We may run into Leafpaw or Whitepaw on the way; last I saw them, they were foraging for herbs we could use."
Squirrelpaw began to follow him, "Whitepaw? Are the apprentices helping the medicine cats?"
"Just for today. We want to make sure we're prepared if we're to stay here long."
Squirrelpaw looked down. Hopefully that won't be for that long.
"It's good to see that you're alright." Greystripe said, his tone was warm, but there was deep sadness in his gaze. "Firestar sent out a patrol every day to look for you two."
"He did?" Squirrelpaw felt silly that she was so surprised.
"Of course. He was restless most days."
Squirrelpaw chewed on her cheek. "I'm sorry I made you all worry about me. If I'd known that something like this was coming to Thunderclan, I would have thought it through more."
Greystripe shrugged gently, "How could you have known this was going to happen? No cat knew." Greystripe's eyes fixed on the floor again, his breathing becoming sluggish, like he was fighting some invisible menace. "You all did what you thought was right. Every noble Warrior would do the same."
Squirrelpaw didn't have the heart to take in his praise. She knew what lingered on the edge of his words. Who was occupying his thoughts.
She had never left Squirrelpaw's thoughts either.
Squirrelpaw rubbed her pelt beside the deputy's. "I'm sorry." Squirrelpaw's mew was soaked with tenderness. "I'm so sorry. She was an amazing Warrior."
Now that her name occupied their conversation, neither tried to hide their grief anymore. Greystripe took a deep breath, quivering all the while. He clearly wanted to remain strong despite the searing pain he was in. Squirrelpaw patted his leg gently with her tail, letting him know he didn't need to hide it from her.
"She was." Greystripe lamented, rigidly rising his head with a cough. "And from what I was told by Stromfur, you and… Feathertail were quite close?"
Close.
Two opposite clan cats. Close.
Squirrelpaw knew she didn't need to be scared of admitting that with Greystripe. "Yes, we were." Squirrelpaw's heart hurt as the images of her friend ran through her again. "Feathertail was the first cat I became friends with on the journey. Actually, I'd say she was the first cat everyone became friends with. She might have been the only one who stopped us from breaking apart from the start."
Greystripe smiled like it hurt him to do so. "I would imagine that. She was always the tolerant one." He swallowed again, "From what Stormfur told me, you would often always go hunting with her. You two must have been good friends."
"She was one of my best friends." Squirrelpaw murmured, fighting back the urge to cry. "When I started on the journey, I didn't think that any cat would want me there. But Feathertail was always so kind to me, she would include me whenever she could." Another of Feathertail's good deeds came to light in Squirrelpaw's mind. The urge to cry was harder to beat this time. "It was… actually because of her that I was able to become friends with some of the other cats."
Greystripe's tail laid on Squirrelpaw's pelt. "Well, that's because Feathertail knew when a cat could be trusted. Her judgement was always something I admired about her." He breathed raggedly, "She was like her mother that way."
Something began to give way then. Greystripe hesitated in his steps, and Squirrelpaw was horrified to see the tears in his eyes. Knowing Greystripe as the strong deputy she had idolised since she was young, seeing him crushed like this was terribly unnerving. But she was the same. Even now, she longed to see her friend again. She hated how the last image she'd had was the body she'd had to bury.
That wasn't Feathertail.
"We'll never forget her. Every cat on that journey knows how incredible she was." She nudged Greystripe's pelt with her cheek. "And we'll make sure every cat knows that."
Greystripe blinked a few times, "She probably wouldn't want that." His laughter sounded like the tears on his cheeks. "She was proud but she never acted like she was as brilliant as she was. I asked her several times if she wanted to join me in Thunderclan, but she never wanted to. She said that Riverclan was where her loyalty lied, and she could never abandon it." Greystripe wiped his cheek with a frail paw. "She must have been right if she'd been chosen to guide them. So…" His voice broke off into a cold trail of breath.
But Squirrelpaw knew.
Greystripe wanted to know why? Why was it that Feathertail was the one who didn't come home to her clan? What purpose did Feathertail's death have in this grand journey?
Squirrelpaw had thought about it every single day since they'd left the cave.
Her answer stung.
"Feathertail saved us all." Squirrelpaw said. She had to say it. "We all owe our journey to her." Squirrelpaw found herself able to speak firmly. It was easy when she knew how right she was. "If it wasn't for her, we'd all have died. The Clans will be able to survive because of her." She knew what she said wouldn't bring Greystripe his daughter back, but maybe it could help him know how proud he deserved to be.
The Deputy just walked silently along, his eyes welling despite how hard he tried to crease them away. Squirrelpaw didn't look in case he was embarrassed, but she kept her tail on his flank. That way, neither were alone in their grief. They could miss Feathertail together, at least.
They walked together for a while, respecting each other's thoughts with the silence, until Squirrelpaw began to hear voices growing louder in her ear. She looked ahead and saw a mound underneath a slump of Earth. It didn't look very big. "That's where we're keeping the medicine den for now." Greystripe explained, coughing again. He almost sounded like himself. "Cinderpelt and the apprentices should be in there."
Squirrelpaw's pelt quivered happily. Leafpaw was in there! "Thank you, Greystripe." She purred, pressing tenderly against his leg again. She was just about to race over there when she heard her name called again.
"Squirrelpaw."
"Yes?" She replied, ears perked for whatever her Deputy had to say.
Greystripe seemed to ponder whether to speak or not. He looked at the apprentice with an unspeakably warm glimmer. The first sign of life she'd seen since coming home. "I wanted to thank you."
Squirrelpaw stiffened, "Thank me? For what?"
"I'm… I'm glad that you were there for Feathertail when she needed you. I'm happy that you two were friends." He lowered his eyes, but his smile kept there, lost and found. "I'm happy you were there with her until the end."
The moment was so strange. A terrible longing panged in the apprentice, a knowledge that neither would see the cat they'd cared for so much again, but to see Greystripe like that. To hear him talk like that, almost like her, it made Squirrelpaw's head spin with bittersweet joy.
"Of course, Greystripe." Squirrelpaw meowed, "I'll never forget her. She'll always be my friend." On Greystripe's soft look, Squirrelpaw was about to turn again.
"One more thing."
"Yes?"
"Will you be going to the meeting tonight with the other leaders?"
Squirrelpaw tilted her head, "Yes, why?"
Greystripe softened, his face sadly trusting. "I was told by Stormfur that you and Feathertail were close with another cat. Crowpaw, I believe?"
Squirrelpaw's smile faded, guilt and sickness full in her throat. "Um- I… Yes, that's him."
"Will you tell him thank you from me as well? I'm worried I won't get the chance."
Two empty eyes she loved. A farewell as cold as flint.
"Sure." Squirrelpaw muttered aside.
"Thank you so much!" Greystripe meowed. "I won't keep you anymore. See you later tonight."
Squirrelpaw gulped as she nodded, watching the deputy slowly pad away. Her head was suddenly swimming in despising thoughts. She wet her lips, swallowed to damped her dry throat, but her head still throbbed.
She hated this – so much.
Suddenly, she found herself racing, like she'd never ran before to the 'medicine den'. She needed to see her sister now! She needed something good! She couldn't let herself be drowned by the sea of pictures of lost friends.
No matter how hard that was.
As she got closer, the familiar smell of herbs increased. But more importantly, the smell of her became strong, making Squirrelpaw pounce into the mound like it was an enemy den.
Instead of danger, she found her sister.
Squirrelpaw let out an immediate mrrow of delight as the pale brown molly became clear. She was currently sorting herbs by the wall of the cavern, but her attention was soon struck by the joyous cry. Leafpaw turned, her eyes wide, before her shocked face erupted into a loving beam.
"Squirrelpaw!"
"Leafpaw!" Squirrelpaw bounded over, rubbing against her sister with a dear purr. Feeling her sister's fur, knowing she was there unhurt, made the apprentice's heart soar. "I'm so happy you're alright."
"I'm alright?" Leafpaw meowed, "I should say the same about you!" She stepped back from the embrace. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine! Me and Brambeclaw found where we need to go! Firestar's going to explain it later."
"Go?" Another voice broke in. Squirrelpaw almost felt her heart stop when she heard it.
"Shrewpaw?"
The young tom was on his belly at the back of the cavern. Beside him, Whitepaw sat, clutching his front paw, rubbing herbs into the fur. Shrewpaw was wincing a little, but he still mangaged to shoot a smirk at the returned molly. "Oh, thank Starclan! I was worried you wouldn't recognise me when you came back!"
Squirrelpaw felt something in her throat. It turned out to be a chuckle. Leafpaw only rolled her eyes. "Whitepaw, tell him he needs to keep still!"
"I already told him," Whitepaw muttered, "It's not my fault he's a mouse-brain."
"I can hear you, you know, Leafpaw!" Shrewpaw said, his tone high and cheerful, "It's my paw that's injured, not my ears."
"Then you have no right to ignore simple instructions, do you?" Leafpaw hissed. She shook her head. "He's such a pain."
Squirrelpaw waved her tail, amused. "He's known for that." Her smile wiped off her face as she looked around. With the four apprentices in the cavern, it was already looking full. "Are there any other injuries?"
Leafpaw looked down, frantically sorting the herbs again. "Many. We're having to deal with each cat one at a time. It won't do any good to fill up the den like this. Cinderpelt just left with Spiderpaw to see if they can find any poppyseeds."
"Spiderpaw's okay as well?"
"If by okay, you mean physically?" Shrewpaw said with a twitch of his ears, "Then yes. If you mean that he's not as good a company as a rat anymore, then no."
"Shrewpaw!" Whitepaw spat, "Will you please keep still?"
The tom shrugged, "I make no promises." He whipped his head back to Squirrelpaw. "Anyway what do you mean by 'where we need to go'?" He asked, one brow arched. "Are we changing camps again?"
Whitepaw looked frightened by the suggestion. "Oh, Starclan, don't say that. It was hard enough making this place into a camp."
Squirrelpaw faced the white apprentice sympathetically. She could only guess how hard it had been for her friends. "I can't say anything until Firestar decides what we're doing."
Whitepaw bit her lip, the vague answer offering no comfort.
"Mouse-dung!" Shrewpaw hissed, lying flat with a pout. "I hate waiting."
"You don't say." Leafpaw muttered.
"Those stupid two-legs ruined everything! We were supposed to become Warriors soon, everything was meant to go perfectly!" Shrewpaw tensed and his eyes widened with a hiss of pain. "Ow! Why couldn't they just stick to their own territory? We never did anything to them!"
Squirrelpaw watched him wince again as he moved his foreleg again. She understood how frustrating it was; no cat knew what was going on. "The clan will know soon enough." She promised.
"So," Leafpaw whispered into Squirrelpaw's ear as Whitepaw began to scold her injured friend again. "Brambleclaw's dream was true?" Her paws were buried in the herbs, as deep as the worry in her eyes.
Squirrelpaw licked Leafpaw's ear. "Yes, but don't worry," She purred quietly, "We know what to do. The clan is going to be alright."
"You really think so?"
"I know it." Squirrelpaw asserted, she beamed at her sister, nuzzling her cheek. "Thanks for keeping it secret."
Leafpaw let out a hum of a chuckle. "Of course! I wouldn't do that to you."
Squirrelpaw emitted a purr proportional to her size. "I know."
"What are you two whispering about?"
Leafpaw growled, she actually growled, like smoke was gassing from an internal fire. "Never you mind!" She seethed.
"Shrewpaw, I swear, if you don't keep quiet I'm going to stuff your mouth with cobwebs!" Whitepaw snarled, still dressing the tom's leg.
Shrewpaw frowned, lying down again, "Ugh, why are mollies so touchy?" He yowled out again, twisting on Whitepaw with a glare, "Careful! That hurts!"
Underneath her scowl, Whitepaw smirked, "Ugh." She mocked, "Why are tom's so delicate?"
Squirrelpaw felt a strange glow over her as she took in her friends squabbling. Despite everything they'd been through, they still hadn't lost their humour, or their will. They all kept their spirits!
Squirrelpaw felt a proud rise in her chest. Maybe we can make it through this okay. If the apprentices could stay like this, it couldn't be so hard for the Warriors to keep strong. For once, Squirrelpaw felt a glimmer of hope.
She edged closer to her injured friend, sitting beside him. "So, what happened anyway?"
"He jumped into a thorn bush." Leafpaw monotoned. They could hear the disgust on her face. "He's lucky that only his forepaw was cut so badly."
Squirrelpaw'e ears went up, amused, but beyond stupefied. "Why would you do that? Thorns don't count as herbs, you know?"
Shrewpaw made a face at her, "Heh heh. For your information, I was going after a mouse. You don't really have freedom to choose prey these days."
"Actually," Whitepaw added. With her white fur it was impossible to hide the faint blush. "It was my mouse. I was the one who tracked it."
Shrewpaw lightly lifted his paw, "And clearly, I was the one who went for it." He grinned at her, "You're welcome."
"I don't remember thanking you for being a mouse-brain."
"Yeah? Well, I remember you freezing in front of that bush when you were just a second from catching it! Somebody had to jump in, you'd chased it for ages!"
"I never asked you to jump in, you crazy tom! There were plenty of more mice around."
"Yeah, well, it would have been stupid to waste it." Shrewpaw let out a playful mrrow. "Besides, you looked so dejected when you thought the mouse had got away. I wouldn't be a tom if I let a molly stay so sad." He pouted his lips at her.
Whitepaw's blush burned, "I did not!" She yowled. She did her best to look angry but Shrewpaw's silly look had earnt a laugh out of her.
Shrewpaw lit up at her laugh, "Did so! It only makes sense for you to nurse me back to health!"
"Keep at it, you'll be here much longer than you thought!"
"Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you! More time with this handsome face!"
The two were both grinning now, on the verge of bursting out in laughter. Both were blushing clearly as well.
Something had clearly happened while Squirrelpaw had been gone.
She knew that from how her heart began to sting.
It was dumb. It was selfish. They were her friends, her life-long friends. But she couldn't help it.
Seeing two apprentices like them, who could do whatever they wanted if they so chose…
Squirrelpaw couldn't help but think it was unfair. Even though it wasn't.
Wasn't it?
But then again, maybe it wasn't the sight of those two that bothered her. It was probably what she imagined in her mind. Laughing, smiling, like that with the tom she wanted to be with. The image was so clear in her mind. Her and him, like before. But he felt like she did. Embraced together. As if nothing was wrong. As if nothing was forbidden.
As if everything, everything, was going to get better.
But when she tried to mimic his wonderful smile, she blinked, and she was still in Thunderclan.
Those eyes were still far away.
Those eyes were still devoid of anything in her recent memories.
And she was still here, unable, not strong enough, to stop the hurt.
Leafpaw was always a great judge of character, especially when it came to Squirrelpaw. "Squirrelpaw, is everything okay?" The medicine cat apprentice asked, touching her sister gently.
It was silent briefly. Darkness was being shut away behind makeshift light in this makeshift den in this makeshift camp. For some, settling with what you could find, and forgetting what was better, was easier to do.
Squirrelpaw didn't look at Leafpaw until she was sure some part of her resembled happiness. "Of course, I am!" Squirrelpaw pressed her cheek besides her sister's, not breaking away. It scared her to think that Leafpaw might recognise the guilt on her face.
She hated lying to her sister.
…
And then Ashfur spontaneously combusted. The E-
What? ... Why can't I end it like that? ... Ugh, but he sucks! ... Okay, okay, fine. You're right, I shouldn't show any character biases, I'm not like Kate Cary that way. Fine, the incel can live for now.
A year has gone by and I think this is the moment I've gone OCC with Brambleclaw. I mean, he's a nice character now! Jesus, that isn't right for him. But, hey, I like him better this way. Better than the canon him anyway. No, I will not dispute that. Canon Big Fat Bramble sucks. That's the end of it.
Oh well, that's another chapter done. Thank you for your patience. Please leave a review if you liked the chapter.
And as always, I'll talk to you in a while.
(And, yes I know Leafpool was captured by Two-legs by this point, but like hell am I going to deal with that drama in a Squirrelcrow centred story. It's best she remain here with her sister. Okay? Good)