Chapter Two - I Sing The Blues And Swallow Them Too
Sitting on the closed toilet seat, Claire swayed with the rhythmic movement of the RV, staring fixedly at the small plastic container in her hands. Popping the lid off, she tapped one of the little blue pills onto her palm and without another thought, slipped it under her tongue. Grimacing at the bitter taste as she waited for it to fully dissolve.
The former med-student didn't like relying on Xanax to control her anxiety, but following the incident an hour earlier with Kyle Winthrop, Claire could feel her family rapidly approaching a boiling point. She couldn't afford to break down because her daddy would need her support. Her family would need her support.
Why was she hiding in the bathroom though? Because her family didn't know about her anxiety, her panic attacks, or the fact that she was on medication. Throughout most of her adolescence, Claire prayed to god to make her better. Not knowing that it was as much of a legitimate illness as diabetes. Instead, she would pray and try to be better. And then she started college, and her eyes were opened to a whole other world.
One where she learned that the episodes of suffocating panic wasn't God's way of punishing her but rather a biological reaction to emotional distress. That it was within her power to control through aids other than prayer.
Claire Fuller still held faith, she still believed, but now she knew that God had put things in place for his children to help themselves.
It was her nature to try and help people. Her mama and daddy had said so since she was a child, that Claire had a nurturing soul. Mama often running a hand through her hair and telling her that she'd make an amazing mother someday herself. It was why she'd pursued a career in medicine. She had wanted to be a paediatrician and work with children. She wanted to help children. Little angels that couldn't yet help themselves.
Leaning her head against the cracked vinyl wall of the bathroom, Claire waited for the medicine to kick in. It usually took about ten to fifteen minutes. To entertain herself, she tipped the pill bottle side to side like a rain-shaker. Truthfully, she was just stalling on leaving the relative privacy and safety of the bathroom. Not yet wanting to give up her momentary calm for the tension waiting outside that door.
And then the RV jerked harshly and Claire went flying forward.
Grunting in pain as her stomach slammed into the edge of the small basin she managed to catch herself before her face met the small mirror above it. The little pill bottle in her hand dropped into the basin, but thankfully the lid stayed firmly on.
Breathing shallowly against the throbbing spreading across her abdomen, Claire stood hunched over with her hands braced on either side of the mirror. Long wavy hair spilling over her shoulders and brushing the basin below. Once the intense throbbing had eased to a bearable ache she straightened, pushing her hair back with shaky hands. Lifting her shirt, she could already see that the skin beneath her belly-button was red and starting to bruise.
"No bikinis for me," she muttered with a dry laugh.
Her mama had always said she bruised as easily as a peach.
Shouldering the door open, Claire stumbled out of the bathroom and made her way towards the front of the vehicle. Slipping her pill bottle back into her green suede bag tossed on the bench along the way.
Kate was standing between the seats up front, bracing herself while talking to their daddy. Scott was driving. Well, that explained the extreme driving maneuver from before. As Claire approached, she could pick up that Kate was picking at what their father had said earlier about his faith, like a child did with a scab.
Kate spared a glance at her sister when she dropped down onto the seat behind her fathers with a soft wince, but otherwise continued with her questioning. "Daddy, all you've told us our entire lives is to trust in God," there was a pleading undertone to her voice, a desperate need to understand what could shake her father badly enough for him to stray from a lifetime of teachings. Claire couldn't lie, she was also curious about the why. Unlike her sister, however, she was content to wait until her daddy was ready to share it on his own.
"I know," Jacob sighed, irritation beginning to edge his words, "but right now I need you to trust in the pagan power of technology. Please look up that border crossing."
"You don't give up on god," Kate's voice was thick with emotion as she continued to pick, to push, "you don't give up on Him, because he would never, ever give up on you."
Despite her loyalty to her daddy, Claire found herself nodding in agreement with her sister. Reaching out a hand and resting it lightly on top of Kate's, squeezing her fingers softly in solidarity. Jerking in surprise, Kate looked down at the unexpected touch and shot her older sister a gentle smile. Things had been rocky between them since they set off for Mexico but Claire was glad to see that beneath the frustration and hurt and bad decisions, Kate was still there.
Taking a deep breath through his nose, as though to steady himself, Jacob replied, "Kate, I've spent my entire adult life serving the Lord. I know exactly what He's capable of."
There was a tiredness to his words. Not the sort that could be solved with a good night's sleep. But a bone-deep world-weary exhaustion. It broke Claire's heart.
And then the RV broke.
"I didn't do it," Scott blurted as the front of the vehicle belched smoke and made a clunking noise that couldn't mean anything good.
All three Fullers stared at Scott with various expressions of disbelief, annoyance, and resigned acceptance. Hunching his shoulders, Scott tried to will away the heat staining his cheeks and resist the urge to squirm in his seat under the scrutiny of his family. It was tough being the baby, sometimes.
"I told you Scott driving was a bad idea," Kate pointed out with the kind of smugness that only came from an older sister being proven right.
A nervous giggle snorted out of Claire's nose at Kate's words and suddenly she was the one under scrutiny. A beat passed before Kate's lips twitched and giggled in turn, quickly joined by Scott. Meanwhile, Jacob gazed at his laughing children bemusedly, as though wondering if they had all finally snapped.
Sobering, Claire delicately wiped under her eyes and beamed at her father, "Come on, daddy, if we don't laugh, we'll cry."
A soft chuckle rumbled in Jacob's chest as he switched seats with Scott to safely direct the RV to the side of the road.
"Ain't that the truth, Claire-Bear. Ain't that the truth."
It was a stroke of luck that The Old Coupland Inn wasn't more than a stone's throw away.
A dusty little biker bar. To the Fullers, it looked like water in the desert. Between all four of them, they only had the mechanical skill set of changing tires and checking the oil. As it was quickly discovered, Jacob hadn't even had the foresight to pack the tired Winnebago with a basic tool-set. Something that had all three of his children blinking at him in disbelief, and Claire berating herself for not thinking of checking before they'd left.
With a reassuring smile that fell just short of reassuring, Jacob strode into the dimly lit bar with instructions to his children to wait in the RV. Including Claire, despite her being above the legal drinking age, on the off chance there were bikers inside of the possible biker bar. It wasn't that Jacob didn't trust his daughter around men, but more that he didn't trust men around his daughter. There was a softness about Claire that drew in a certain kind of man, and that kind of man was one he wanted as far away from Claire as humanly possible.
And ever the good girl, Claire did as her daddy asked.
Sitting next to Scott on the couch, they read through the comic opened across his lap together, Claire using it as an opportunity to improve her younger brother's Spanish. She had taken it through high school, and gotten pretty high marks in it too. As proven by her decision to learn Mandarin at thirteen, Claire was very good with languages. Especially spoken, being able to use visual cues to translate whatever she was unsure of by hearing alone.
Sitting across from them, Kate drew her knees up to her chest and rested her chin against them, arms hugging tight around her legs. There was an almost yearning in her gaze as she watched their heads bowed together. It hadn't always been that way. Once it was the three of them against the world. But after Kate started high school and Claire had moved away for school, something changed. The dynamic changed.
Instead of it being Kate and Scott against the world, it turned into just Kate and Scott. Living under the same roof but having separate lives. Scott had gotten into his music, had developed this anger, that Kate couldn't understand. It made it hard for them to relate to each other. The only thing they both seemed to have in common now was Claire and their faith.
It was a sad realization that came upon Kate. While she may love her brother, she no longer knew who he was.
That was the funny thing about epiphanies. They very rarely came to you with a gentle hand and soft voice. Instead, it was like a punch to the gut and a scream loud enough to leave you dazed.
Which was why she was slow to react when Scott frowned at her and asked, "Why do you gotta be such a be-yotch?"
Frowning, Claire was quick to elbow him in the side for speaking like that to his sister. Knowing it was light compared to what their father would have done if he'd heard such language. "Don't talk to Katie that way."
Scott screwed up his face at Claire in remorse, the little seed of jealousy in Kate's belly growing a tiny bit bigger. That same jealousy she held towards her older sister ever since she had been old enough to know what it was. Blonder, skinnier, smarter. Claire always made life seem so easy.
"I don't know," Kate sighed, confused herself by the anger that seemed to rear its head whenever she spoke with her daddy lately. Desperately wanting to be treated like an adult, an equal. For her daddy to realize that giving up on God wasn't the answer. That Kate needed answers to what happened to her mama. "Because he's going against everything he's believed his entire life?"
"And why do you keep asking him questions about the accident?" Scott's voice got louder as he leaned closer towards her, eyes narrowing. "And why do you care? Sometimes you sound like you think it's his fault."
Tears formed in the corners of her eyes at his words, lip trembling as she refused to let them spill over. Swallowing, she said thickly, "I never said that, Scott."
All it took was for Claire to lift up her arm and beckon her younger sister with a soft smile to send Kate burrowing into her side. Shifting, Claire curled her other arm around Scott's shoulders also, pulling her siblings in tight. Tipping her head back and blinking rapidly at the ceiling in an effort to control her own emotions, the Xanax she had taken earlier helping.
Kate breathed deep, taking in the scent of apple-pie that always lingered around her sister. So similar to their mother. Cinnamon and vanilla and apple blossom. Both comforting and making the onslaught of tears she held back threaten to return.
"I'm sorry," Kate mumbled into the soft cotton of Claire's tank top. Shifting her head to look at her brother she added, exasperated, "Okay? I'm sorry."
"It's alright, Katie," Claire murmured as her fingers lightly trailed through Kate's hair, reminding her of her mama so much it physically hurt.
Pulling away, Kate finally burst.
"No, it's not alright! Dad's losing it. He's not in a good place right now. And - but we never had to worry about that kind of stuff because mom always knew how to take care of him and us." At the shocked look on Claire's face, Kate added, "but none of us can take her place. We can't fix him. We don't know how to be mom." Pausing for breath Kate spat out, "And I seem to be the only one willing to try, instead of enabling him like the two of you."
Silence permeated the RV following her words. Kate both wanting to take them back, but also not regretting finally voicing her thoughts. Neither Scott nor Claire had protested to this lunatic road trip. It was obvious to Kate that what her daddy needed to regain his faith was his church and the good people of Bethel. Not some crazy Mexican adventure.
So caught up in her righteousness was Kate that when Claire started laughing, she jumped in surprise. What started as a snorting giggle turned into laughter strong enough her older sister clutched at her stomach in pain. Gasping as she calmed down, Claire fixed Kate with those gentle green eyes of hers and asked, "Katie, remember when you were younger and I told you not to climb the tree in the backyard and you said 'don't tell me what to do' and climbed it?"
"Yeah…" Kate scrunched her brow in thought, "I fell and broke my ankle, spent the rest of the summer in a cast."
"Exactly," Claire smiled as though she had won something, "do you think my telling you not to do it made a lick of difference?"
"No, I was gonna do it anyway," Kate answered. "Scott had bet me his dessert for the next week I couldn't make it to the top."
"Now, tell me why you think I'm not telling daddy not to go to Mexico."
Oh. Oh. If life were a cartoon there would have been a big old light bulb clicking on over top of Kate's head right about then.
"Because he'd just do it anyway," Kate's eyes were wide with realization. Plus a little bit of guilt for her accusations towards her sister and the complaints she had made to Kyle. Shame nipped at her as she admitted that over the last few months she hadn't been acting very Christian-like at all.
Scott, meanwhile, gazed at his older sister with a kind of surprised respect. As though the thought that she could ever be sneaky or manipulative never crossed his mind in his life. Ever. And then quickly frowned as he began to wonder if she'd ever head-shrunk him at any point in their lives.
"Exactly," Claire nodded, saying softly but with a lot of feeling, "please don't think I'm not as worried as you are, Katie-Kakes. I am. I just know how to pick my battles."
A loud banging from the front of the RV made all three Fullers jump, Scott uttering "Cheese and rice!" in surprise.
A stern look from Claire showed she had caught his slip and Scott rolled his eyes good-naturedly as his sister rose from the couch to investigate.
Sticking her head out of the door, Claire leaned forward and called out, "Everything okay out here, daddy? You're making an awful racket."
"Don't worry Claire-Bear," Jacob called out from the front, sounding short on breath. His eldest frowned in concern, "just banging something into place. Won't be much longer!"
Face pinched, in a way that said she didn't quite believe him - after all, why would you have to bang a hose into place - Claire nonetheless left him to it. Pushing Kate back from where she had wedged herself under Claire's elbow to peer out in the process.
Clapping her hands before rubbing them together, Claire beamed at her siblings with an excitement she didn't feel but did an admirable job of projecting. She didn't enjoy being suspicious of her own father, but he didn't make it easy not to be lately. But she owed him this. And owed her siblings all the happiness she could provide.
"Alright kiddos, who's up for some rummy?"
"Daddy?"
Whiskey sliding hot down his throat, Jacob turned to find his eldest gazing at him in astonishment. "Claire-Bear!" He called out, a lazy smile spreading across his face as he beckoned her closer, "There's my little girl!" That happiness all too quickly curdling deep in his stomach and twisting into shame as her pretty features softened with pity.
That shame only grew as Kate stepped out from behind her sister, a disappointed shadow with crossed arms and accusing eyes.
"And little Katie-Kakes," Jacob added in a more subdued tone, his good mood turning morose. Leaning towards his new friend Earl, Jacob confided, "Little Katie's always looking for the family toolbox, trying to find ways to fix her old man."
The way that both his daughters stood there, staring at him, struck him as being reminiscent of Jennifer. The set of their shoulders, the curve of their cheeks, one hip cocked slightly to the side. It was a sobering thought and he lifted a hand to signal the bartender, hoping that maybe more of that whiskey would dull the ache in his chest. It had been doing a good job of it so far, at least. Achieving more than his time spent on his knees praying to a god who never answered. A god who wasn't quite so benevolent as he'd believed.
"I think you've had enough, daddy," Claire said softly, her hand firmly pushed his down, signaling with her eyes that the bartender better back up and keep that whiskey bottle far away. "Why are you in here anyway?"
"We were waiting for the engine to cool down," Jacob frowned, words slurring at the edges as he looked down at his hand and flexed his fingers beneath his daughter's grip. Recalling the burn he received earlier that prompted his outburst. The wrench heavy in his hand, the sound of metal on metal ringing in his ears. Rage and frustration pouring forth in a torrent as the dam had finally burst.
"Well," Claire started with a side-eye at Earl who looked visibly chastened by the younger woman, "I'm no mechanic but I'd say an hour is about long enough, don't you?"
At her expectant look, Earl was quick to reply, "Uh...yes-yes ma'am."
"Come on, daddy," Kate pleaded, arms wrapped around herself as she cast anxious looks around the dark room. "Let's go."
"You girls go on ahead," Jacob told them, not enjoying the uncomfortable look on Kate's face but also not yet ready to leave, "I'll catch up after I square things with Darlene here."
Darlene looked over from where she was wiping out a tumbler further down the bar, a reassuring smile curving her dark painted lips. "Don't worry honey," she drawled as she made eye-contact with Claire, "I'll send your daddy and Earl out in a few minutes."
Eyes narrowing as she considered the slightly older woman, Claire finally nodded. Wrapping an arm around her sister's shoulders, she began to steer her away with the parting words, "We'll see you in a few minutes then."
"That daughter of yours sure is something."
Jacob looked over to find Earl staring in the direction his daughters had gone, a thoughtful look on the young man's face. Following his gaze, Jacob watched as they were waylaid by an older man with blond hair and glasses. After a short exchange of words, his girls continued on their way, the man shaking his head with a bemused expression on his face. It appeared his girls seemed to have that effect on men.
"She sure is," Jacob agreed with a rueful shake of his head, "more than this old fool deserves."
Claire had always been the apple of his eye. The day she was born, all soft and pink and wrinkled, she had gazed up at him with those bright eyes and he couldn't help but think that he hadn't known love until that moment. Yes, he had loved his wife. Loved Jennifer with a passion so fierce that her absence left a tangible ache inside. But that little girl nestled in his arms had pierced him with one look and he knew that no matter what she did, he would love her. Living a life of worship, dedicating himself to the Lord, he had thought he'd known unconditional love well.
And then that little girl had turned everything he thought he had known on its head.
Growing up, Claire taught him more and more about unconditional love every day. She embodied it herself. Gentle and kind. He had yet to encounter another soul that so encapsulated the teachings he himself had preached every Sunday. Which was why he found it hard to look at her without feeling shame crawl thick up his throat. His beautiful little girl was so much more than he deserved. A failure who couldn't even save his own wife. A failure who couldn't even save himself.
Slipping off his chair, Jacob dropped a couple of twenties onto the stained wooden bar. Taking off his hat, he raked his fingers through his hair before dropping it back down. It was time to get back on the road. Time to get back to his family and stop wallowing in memories and guilt.
There would be plenty of time for that later.