Bella POV

Over the next few days, I kept down every meal and let myself be carried everywhere without complaining once. I stayed hydrated and succumbed to "relaxing" facials that Alice said would help clear my body of toxins and improve my mood. I did small in-bed exercises to improve my circulation, and I prayed to whatever God might be listening, but Alice's vision never changed.

As they wheeled me in to Carlisle's medical room, I couldn't bring myself to cry. This must be what it felt like to be a vampire, the strong urge to release that sadness in a physical way, but being incapable. The worst part was feeling like I was the only one really mourning this loss while everyone else around me felt relieved. I never imagined a feeling worse than losing Edward, but now I realized I was wrong. I shut my eyes as the drip in the IV began to pull me under.

"I love you, Bella. No matter what," I heard him whisper. The fog in my head was so thick that I couldn't place a face with the voice, but then I felt a cold, smooth hand graze my palm, and I surrendered to the darkness wondering if my palm, too, would be a cold marble the next time I woke.

...
...

"Stable….worst is over…"

"...soon."

...

"Can she hear us?"

"Bella…."

"Bella, I know you're awake. I know you can hear me. You're going to be fine. You'll need time to recover, but everything went well. I'm so sorry, Bella."

"Why isn't she responding?"

"I think she's in shock."

"Bella, love? Just squeeze my hand and let me know you're okay."

Not okay.

…..

"Bells? They said you weren't talking to anyone yet. I just wanted to see you."

Not okay.

June

Get up. Shower. Chew breakfast. Swallow. Say "I'm fine." Etc. Etc. Sleep. Repeat.

Not okay.

July

Repeat.

August

Repeat.

September

Repeat.

October

Edward POV

It had been five months since the procedure, and Bella's human body made an excellent recovery. For all intents and purposes, she was thriving, but she wasn't living. She did everything she was supposed to do and yet she always seemed far-off, never present in her own moments. She cooked, but she had no appetite. When I kissed her, she kissed me back, but she never initiated anything.

Two months after it happened, we had dinner with Charlie. I thought being able to see him would cheer her up since she never expected to see him again after the honeymoon. They hugged and exchanged small talk, but she showed no signs of joy or fulfillment with her new married life, and I picked a few painful thoughts from Charlie's mind.

She looks so unhappy, he had thought. I knew she never should have married that kid. I wonder if they'll get a divorce.

She didn't talk about being turned anymore, and I didn't bring it up. If Bella had decided to stay human, I would happily support that decision and hope that she could still heal. If she didn't want to think about it, then I wouldn't ask her to. I didn't want her making any rash decisions in her depression.

When I tried to talk to her about how she was doing, she always shut me down with a quick "I'm fine," or "I just need some time," but I could tell nothing was getting better, and I was out of ideas for how to help her. She started making lists and plans for pointless projects to keep her busy, but she never carried out half of them.

That's how I ended up sitting in my car on the side of the road, waiting for a half-naked Quileute boy to emerge from the woods.

"What's going on? I came as fast as I could. You said it's about Bella?" Jacob shouted as he approached the car. I got out and we both leaned against the car, just past the treaty line.

"I'm worried about her. She says she's fine, but she's not. She's completely inconsolable and I don't know what to do for her," I admitted.

"You know, I've seen her like this once before," Jacob said. I watched a slideshow of images play through Jacob's head. Bella was hunched over with her arms wrapped around herself in every single one.

"I know. Why do you think I'm here?" I asked. The problem was this time I was here to hold her together. I just couldn't do it. "You helped her once before. I need your help. Bella needs your help."

"I can't fix this one," Jacob said. "You know I've visited her a few times and she treats me the same way. She won't really talk to me." He picked up a twig and began absentmindedly pulling splinters from it.

"She doesn't talk to anyone, Jacob. Not really. She just goes through the daily motions and nothing more. She's just playing a part."

"What has she said about, you know. Changing," he asked. "Moving forward. Whatever."

"Nothing at all. She accepted that she needed to stay human to recover from the procedure, but she hasn't brought it up since it happened. To be honest, I never knew she wanted children so badly. I think maybe going through this has made her realize that she does, even if it's subconscious. I don't think she knows it, but she's waiting so she still has time to experience that human miracle. And it's the one thing I can never give her."

I paused to collect the words to say the craziest sentence that would ever come out of my mouth.

"Jacob, that's why I called you today."

"What? I already told you I can't help," he argued.

"I have a sort of…proposal. I haven't discussed this with Bella because I don't want to upset her further if it's not a possibility. I wanted to speak with you first."

I paused again, waiting for Jacob to catch up with me, but I could tell he was still clueless.

"Would you be willing to give Bella what I can't?" I asked bluntly.

"I can give Bella a thousand things that you can't. But I'm still not following," he admitted.

"I'm talking about children, Jacob."

What. The. FUCK. The bloodsucker has lost his mind.

"I know it's crazy, but I think another child may be the only thing that can make Bella happy again. This is hard for me to ask of you or even consider, but it's something I have thought a lot about.

"You're serious. You're actually serious." Jacob looked dumbfounded, and I didn't blame him.

"For what it's worth, I wish I wasn't," I said.

"Dude, you're her husband. It's messed up that you would need to come to her ex—er, um, me for advice in the first place. But this? This is a whole new level of fucked up."

"I came to you because you're her best friend and you're the only person I know that can help her. You did it once before. I'm not saying do it right now. Just think about it."

"No. I can't believe you're seriously asking me this. Look, you won. Game over for me. I'm not going to be some lame stand-in batter for your team. I'm fucking retired. Done."

He took off in a sprint towards the forest and stripped off his shorts. Before he disappeared, he turned back around and shouted, "By the way, make sure I'm not anywhere near Bella when you run that home run of an idea by her."

He phased and was gone, but not before I saw the images flashing through his head. Him with his arms around Bella, placing a hand on her growing belly. Bella with a baby in her arms, smiling up at him in a hospital. Those glimpses told me that there was still hope for Bella. I wasn't so sure about hope for myself.

Bella POV

I'll need more eggs and flour. Might as well pick up extra paper towels, too. I wonder if I halve the cooking time but double the temperature if it would be edible? Maybe I'll buy double the ingredients so I can test that out. Roses. I think I'll start my own garden tomorrow morning. I wonder if Newton's still carries gardening supplies? It's cold out, though. Roses won't grow this time of year. I need new socks. Wait, did I empty the dryer earlier? I don't think I did. I went downstairs and got the mail instead. I should probably—

"Bella?" I looked up from my shopping list to see Edward standing at the end of the kitchen counter.

"Oh hi, Edward." I smiled up at him from my barstool.

"Would you like to go for a walk, sweetheart?" he asked.

I was pretty busy, but I didn't want to let him down.

"Sure," I left my list on the counter and got up.

He smiled and held my hand as he led me out the backdoor. Esme's ferns were very well-kept. I noticed the vibrant greens and yellows and imagined that they must look ten times as beautiful to her senses. I thought about hydrangeas and palm trees and daffodils and tried to picture how each one would look next to the house.

"There's something I wanted to talk to you about," Edward started.

Maybe we could add a water fountain. Or hedges. I would go to the library and pick up a book on horticulture and topiaries. I needed to remember to put that on the list when we got back.

"Honey, I feel like you're not even here most of the time," he said.

"Of course I'm here, Edward. See?" I squeezed his hand to show him.

Which reminded me, I would need gardening gloves. Maybe one of those kneeling pads, too.

"I'm worried about you. Please, love, tell me what I can do to help. I want you to be happy again."

"I'm fine, Edward. Thank you for your concern, but really, I'm okay."

Couldn't he see that? I didn't let myself wallow. I wasn't going to be that lost girl that was left behind before. Back then I moped and cried and drowned in self-pity. I wasn't doing that. I was being productive.

"I just want you to know that you can talk to me. You don't have to put on a brave face all the time. You can tell me how you really feel," he said.

"I'm fine."

Fine. Speaking of fine, I needed to remember to pick up confectioner's sugar this time and not just the granulated kind. I'd have to add that to the list.