A/N: Hey guys! I really appreciate the reviews & feedback so far (keep it coming!), and I'm flattered you're taking the time to read this story. I've received a few comments of concern about the direction it may be headed and how unrealistic that particular plot line is. I don't want to give anything away and I don't have every detail figured out yet, but I do want to be up front and remind everyone about the inspiration I shared in the Author's Note at the beginning of chapter 1. I intend to stay true to what I said there, and I hope I won't leave everyone too disappointed with the choices I'm making in this story. I promise I'm excited for the challenge of making everything as believable as possible. :-)
Bella POV
A month later, things were getting better and worse. They were better because after months of numbness, I was finally starting to feel more like myself again. I would never fully heal from the pain of losing our daughter, but I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that it happened. She was gone and I was here and as wrong and unnatural as that was, it was now a fact of my life that I was going to have to find a way to live with. Edward suggested that I see a psychiatrist to help me deal with the loss, and while part of me wanted to, I knew I couldn't. What was the point if I could never tell the full truth? And even if I could, I was pretty sure that vampire/human hybrid pregnancy and the emotional aftermath wasn't covered in any medical school curriculum.
Though I was working on dealing with that grief, I was nowhere close to figuring out what was next for me. Instead, I did the next best thing and tried to live day by day, and if nothing else, be present in the moment even if I wasn't ready to think about my future yet.
And in THIS particular moment, I needed. To get out. Of this house.
The first time I ventured out after my conversation with Edward didn't go so well, and it ended in me coming home in tears after spotting the most adorable young mother and newborn in a restaurant. I stuck close to home for a while after that, but the Cullens were careful to keep me entertained. I went on plenty of walks with Edward and spent lots of time with my new family. We had fun nights of playing charades, watching movies, and playing Twister (vampire strength meant I was no competition, but it could get pretty entertaining to watch as they twisted into unnatural tangled messes). They were there for me and I could never thank them enough for everything that they were doing to help, but I needed to get back out into the real world and start living again without being afraid of toddlers in grocery stores. To be honest, I was going a little stir-crazy.
Christmas was coming up soon, and I was way behind on shopping for presents.
"I'm on it!" Alice shouted from down the hall.
Without warning, she ran into the bedroom and started jumping on the bed next to the pile of clothes I was folding. Whether due to her graceful movement or the expensive Tempur-Pedic mattress Edward had insisted on ordering for me, none of the clothes toppled over.
"I just saw that we're going Christmas shopping! Get your coat on and let's go!" She squealed.
"Okay, okay!" I laughed. "Just give me a minute to get ready."
Before I could think about getting my socks and shoes, Alice was already behind me running a brush through my hair at lightning speed.
"Alice, will you give it a rest? It will take me five minutes, tops," I told her.
"Sorry, sorry! I'm just so excited you wanted to go shopping with me," she grinned.
I couldn't be mad at that. True to my word, I was downstairs and in the car in five minutes.
Shopping with Alice was always an all day experience. We had been all over Forks and Port Angeles, and we were still going strong at our fourth shopping center. We chose a new bed canopy and bedroom décor for Carlisle and Esme, a new game system for Emmett, and new ski equipment for Rosalie. Alice was booking a surprise vacation to Fiji for Jasper; I would have to shop for them both later on my own. I decided Alice would love it if I picked out a swimsuit and beach accessories for her trip, then realized as soon as I thought it that she would see it coming.
She turned and hugged me in the crowded mall.
"I'm going to love it," she assured me.
"How does anybody ever buy you presents if you always know?" I asked.
She shrugged. "Don't you know it's the thought that counts? That's just more literal for me."
We walked past a lingerie store with a hot pink and black corset and matching panties on display on an impossibly curvy mannequin.
"Think we'll find something for Edward in there?" Alice winked.
"Um, I don't think so, Alice. But thanks. We're kind of…avoiding those situations right now," I admitted. I was positive my entire face was crimson, and I took the opportunity to uncomfortably shift my bags.
"It's okay, Bella. We're sisters. You can talk to me if there's something on your mind."
"Well obviously I'm physically attracted to Edward. It's just ever since, you know, what happened, we decided the responsible thing to do is wait until I'm turned. It's been pretty hard, but we both know it's for the best," I confessed.
Edward was terrified of harming me, and I was terrified of becoming pregnant again. Besides, we couldn't assume any birth control designed for humans would really work. Keeping my hands off of my husband was probably the hardest part of prolonging my decision about my future.
"Just wait. You'll have an eternity to break beds and rattle the walls loud enough to run us out of the house before you know it," Alice laughed. "If that's what you want," she added in a more serious tone.
I was suddenly dying to know if she had seen anything change about my future lately, but I couldn't bear to ask her and bring up all of my doubts and fears.
I rolled my eyes at the first half of her comment and tried to ignore what she might be implying at the end.
"Thanks, Alice."
Next, we headed into the outdoor and sporting goods store so I could pick up some new fishing equipment for Charlie. I had secretly called Billy for advice on what to get.
"Can we check out the camping section too? I'm hoping it will give me some ideas about what to get for Jacob."
"Sure, Bella. I think that's a nice idea."
I hadn't seen him since before my argument with Edward, so I wasn't sure if he would even want to exchange gifts with me. I wouldn't be upset if he didn't get me anything, but I really wanted to put things right with him again. We had been through too much to just let that friendship go. We hadn't had a fight, exactly; I had just been too preoccupied with my own problems for a while. Some friend I was.
Alice suddenly stiffened and stood closer to me, pressing me into the shelf of tackle boxes behind me.
"Alice, what's wrong?"
Leah Clearwater stepped into view at the end of the aisle and glared at me so hard that I was suddenly glad fire vision hadn't been one of her supernatural enhancements. She was carrying a basket full of sports equipment, and I realized she must be Christmas shopping for Seth.
"Hi, Leah," I choked out from behind Alice.
"Relax, leech lover. I'm not going to bite, though I can't promise the pixie vamp won't," Leah said.
"I figured while we're both here, I might as well extend a warm invitation to stay the hell away from Jake. You've already done enough damage. Oh, and Merry Christmas."
"Ho ho ho," she exaggerated each syllable to be sure I got the insult, then walked away with a single wave that turned and exposed a single finger at the last second.
Grinch bitch.
I wasn't going to take the whole encounter with Leah too seriously. She had always been bitter and moody, and I couldn't really blame her for wanting to protect Jake from any further heartache. I fought the urge to make a list of pros and cons for reasons I should or shouldn't keep in touch with Jake and finally just picked up the phone when I got home.
Someone answered on the third ring.
"Hello?"
"Jake! Hey, it's me."
"Bells? It's good to hear your voice! How are you?" He asked.
"I'm doing a lot better, actually. I wanted to call and thank you for the last time we talked. It kind of woke me up I guess," I admitted.
"I'm really glad it hear it." I could hear the smile in his voice and how much he meant it.
"Do you have a moment to talk? How have you been?" I asked.
"Um, yeah. Hold on a sec and let me grab the cordless phone."
I heard him scrambling around in the background before finally hanging up the kitchen phone.
"Okay I'm back."
"I miss talking to you, Jake. Tell me how you've been. What's new in your life?"
"I'm good. You know, just the same old pack stuff. Dad's great. Sam can be kind of a jerk with patrols, but I know he's just doing his job. Quil's as cocky as ever. I swear he loves being a big hairy dog. You'd think he made quarterback of the football team or something. Tell me more about you though, Bells. I'm glad you're feeling better."
He laughed his easy laugh, and before I knew it, an hour had gone by. I had called to be a good friend to him, and yet somehow I wound up doing all of the talking. He was just so easy to talk to and had a way of making it feel like you were doing him a favor by telling him your life story. He was insightful and attentive and never sounded bored.
I told him how supportive my family had been, and how hard it was seeing that mother and baby in the restaurant for the first time. I even confessed that I had been doing a lot of thinking about my future and that I still hadn't reached any conclusions yet.
Then I realized there was something else I needed to say to him that we had avoided so far. I had skimmed over my argument with Edward.
"Jacob? There's one more thing."
"Yeah, Bells?"
"I'm so sorry for Edward's behavior towards you. He told me what he said. What he asked, I mean. And I'm so, so sorry. He never should have brought you into it at all, and I was so mad when I found out what he did. I hope you'll forgive him, and me for getting so lost that he was desperate enough to even think it." I was glad he couldn't see me blush over the phone.
"Bella, none of this is your fault. I'm not gonna lie, it was a pretty messed up conversation. I might not be the guy's biggest fan, but he's got guts for doing that. Nobody can say he wouldn't do anything, and I mean ANYTHING to try to make you happy. Even if it's batshit crazy."
Jacob laughed, and I knew things would be alright.
"Listen, what are you doing for Thanksgiving next week?" he asked.
I didn't have any big plans. Esme wanted to put together a big Thanksgiving spread for her first and maybe last Thanksgiving with me as a human, but I had convinced her that I really didn't want everyone to have to pretend and go out of their way for me.
"Nothing too big. Edward and I are going over to Charlie's and I'm cooking dinner. The other Cullens are flying up to Alaska to visit some old family friends. You and your dad are welcome to join us, Jake."
I felt bad that I hadn't thought to invite them sooner.
"Thanks. I was actually about to invite you over, though. Sue's going to bring over some food for Billy and I during the day, and then the pack is having a bonfire that night. I know you're busy, but if you have time, you and Charlie could come after dinner. Or, well…"
"What?" I asked.
"I wasn't really thinking, you know, I can't exactly invite Edward over to the res. And I doubt Billy will want to have dinner with him at Charlie's place, either. I guess I'm just not really sure how to navigate this whole vampire loving best friend thing," Jake admitted.
"Oh. Right."
It was second nature to invite Jake and Billy over for dinner. It hadn't even occurred to me that Edward's presence would change things.
"Let me talk to Charlie and Edward and maybe we can work something out, Jake. If not, we'll have to hang out soon. Let me get back to you tomorrow, okay?"
"Sure, sure. Talk to you later, Bells. I'm glad you called."
"Bye, Jake. I'll talk to you tomorrow."
Jacob was right; keeping up with our friendship was going to be a challenge from now on under the circumstances, but I was determined to be a good friend to him after all that he had done for me.