Bella POV
Edward and the rest of the Cullens were quick to understand and forgive my momentary freakout once I returned and explained. I assured them that I wasn't changing my mind permanently, I just couldn't go through with it until I had exhausted every option. Something deep inside of me had screamed to stop as Edward drew close to my neck, and I had to trust that feeling. That gut instinct gave me a tiny flare of hope that maybe there was another way after all. I had to know.
Jacob and I just needed somewhere neutral to go. Rosalie made it very clear that she would move out if there were any "wolf mating rituals" in our house, so that was out. Truthfully, I was relieved. I didn't want our home to be tainted with memories that would hurt Edward or anyone else in my family, and I didn't want Jacob to have to think about it every time he came to visit, either. Jake's house wasn't safe for obvious reasons, and all of the local hotels were sleazy and ran the risk of being recognized by someone that we knew. Too may people in Forks would recognize the police chief's daughter, and I couldn't risk someone running back to Charlie with news of his married daughter shacking up with some guy in a motel.
In the end, Edward booked us a cabin in a secluded area of Port Angeles, close enough that we'd be near home if anything happened and we needed to get back quickly, but far enough that we wouldn't have anyone we knew stumbling onto us by mistake.
So we'd figured out the logistics. We made our minds up to go through with it. Everyone was in agreement, and that only left one thing: the act itself. I trusted that the three of us could make it through this and past any residual weirdness AFTER, but it was the DURING part that scared me to death. We could call it anything we wanted to and talk circles around it, but the simple fact was that I was going to have sex with Jacob Black, my best friend. Weird didn't even begin to cover it.
Maybe sex could be casual and meaningless to some people, but I could never look at it that way. My experience was limited, but I knew that there was an intimacy to it all that went beyond the physical aspects, and I was going to have to be careful to try to separate that part out of it. We needed to keep this clinical, mechanical. It was the only way to keep it from feeling like cheating. I just prayed it would work on the first try, for all of our sakes.
Jacob POV
The drive to the cabin was completely silent apart from Bella's occasional help navigating Edward's map. I was dying to know what she was thinking. I told myself the same thing I'd told Bella in the first place: this was just a really good friend doing another friend a favor. That's it. I knew it didn't mean that Bella's feelings for me or for Edward had changed, and I'd do well to remember that during our time together. I was simply fulfilling a basic need that no one else could; supply and demand. I was being used, and I knew it, and as long as we both went into this knowing the truth, then nobody would get hurt. I had to trust that my friendship with Bella was stronger than that.
Beyond that, I hadn't put much thought into what was about to happen. I couldn't. It was too weird and overthinking it seemed like a fast way to ruin things and make it more complicated than it needed to be.
"Turn up there on the right, I think that's the driveway," Bella said, rousing me from my inner pep talk.
As we turned, the cabin came into view. It was a small building built from dark stacked logs tucked into a space with forest on either side and an open view of water behind it. I got out of the car and silently walked to the back of the house to take in the view. It was breathtaking. You could see the snow-capped mountainous landscape of British Columbia in the distance against a backdrop of an endless expanse of blue sky. There was a small porch with a fire pit, and the back yard backed up against the edge of a bluff with a sudden drop off to the rocks below.
I turned to Bella and grinned. "Don't get any ideas. Cliff diving season is strictly in the summer months."
She laughed in reply, and I could feel the mood lighten.
"Take a look around, if you want. I'll bring our things inside."
We were only staying the one night, so I managed to grab everything in one trip. We only had a bag each with a change of clothes and a couple of bags of groceries. I set down a few bags and retrieved the key from under the doormat to let myself in. As I stepped across the threshold, I realized that the space was much nicer than the exterior had let on. The front door led right into a living room with a giant fireplace and a bearskin rug on a hardwood floor. There was a full bookshelf and a huge leather couch. Beyond the living room was a cozy dining space and a connected kitchen to the right. To the left was a bathroom and the bedroom. And in between it all was a massive wall made of glass leading out to the back porch overlooking the cliff. It was stunning. Of course Edward would set us up in a space fit for honeymooners.
Bella came in behind me and flipped on the lights. "Whoah."
"It's nice, right?" I agreed.
"It really is." She picked up the groceries and started putting them away in the kitchen. "Hey, there's already stuff in here. Edward must have had someone stock it for us."
I took our overnight bags into the bedroom, and it struck me as odd that there was only one bedroom and one bed. Obviously we'd be sharing it for at least a necessary part of time, but I had just assumed we'd have separate beds to actually sleep in. It almost felt like Edward was pushing us together more than necessary. At least the giant couch looked big enough for me to sleep on.
Bella stepped into the room behind me and surveyed the bed. It was an enormous four-post monstrosity with pillowy white blankets and a mountain of decorative white pillows. We stood there in joined silence.
"We don't have to right away," I told her. "Unless you want to. But there's games and movies and other stuff we can do if you want."
She nodded and stepped into the master bathroom through the door on the far side of the bedroom.
"There are swimsuits and towels in here," she called out to me.
I stepped towards the window on the right side of the room that faced the back porch and looked out.
"Looks like there's a hot tub out there," I told her. It was weird to think of Edward providing us with swimsuits and leading us to the hot tub, like he was there with us calling the shots. It kind of made me not want to do it, and I doubted the water would feel warm to me anyway.
"I saw popcorn in the kitchen. Let's watch TV," she said.
"Sure, sure."
We passed the afternoon on the giant couch watching a Family Feud marathon, Bella on one end wrapped in a throw blanket and me on the other end inhaling popcorn. There were times it almost felt normal. We both howled laughing until tears formed during the countdown of the top 10 funniest answers of all time, and she threw popcorn at me every time I beat her at guessing the number one answer. Once I'd even turned at the last second and caught it in my mouth, which set us off laughing all over again. I didn't realize how much I had missed this side of our friendship.
Bella finally got up and picked up the popcorn bowls from where we sat them on the coffee table. "Are you hungry?" She asked.
"Always," I admitted.
"Okay, I'll fix us something to eat."
I clapped my hands enthusiastically like the Family Feud contestants. "Good answer! Good answer!"
She rolled her eyes. "You're ridiculous, you know that?"
We ate some kind of stir fry with noodles and chicken that she had never made for me before, and it was delicious. Her culinary skills were seriously being wasted in a house full of bloodsuckers.
"This was delicious, Bells. Thanks."
"Honestly Jake, I don't know how you even have a chance to taste it when you're swallowing it that fast, but you're welcome. There's plenty of other stuff in the kitchen if you're still hungry."
"No, this was perfect. Maybe later," I told her. I sat my fork down on my empty plate and knew that our time together was running out. We couldn't keep pretending we were on some normal vacation.
"So." I said.
"So."
My nerves had disappeared during our TV marathon, but they were slowly creeping back up on me. I wanted this to be as comfortable and normal as possible.
"I think I'll wash up and take a quick shower, if that's okay," I decided.
"Yeah, okay. I'll just pick out a book or something."
The shower in the master bathroom stood next to a massive claw foot tub that looked like it had escaped the castle from Beauty and the Beast or something. I studied the bronze colored feet and absentmindedly wondered what animal they would belong to, taking note that they weren't all that different from my own paws in wolf form, only mine were much larger. I forced myself into the shower and shook my head at the thought. I was about to sleep with Bella, and I was in here pondering what kind of animal our bathtub would be. Survey says: nutcase. I needed to pull myself together and focus. Any moment now, this would be happening. There'd be no going back.
My game plan was to just go with the flow and let Bella take the lead. I didn't want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable, and she was married. The boundaries being crossed were all hers, not mine. There was a time when I'd dreamed of losing my virginity to Bella, but I wasn't going to kid myself into thinking we were fulfilling some fairytale dream of mine tonight. That's not what this was about.
I climbed out of the shower and grabbed the nearest towel and began to dry myself. Once I was semi-dry, I wrapped the towel around my waist and opened the bathroom door to grab my overnight bag that was still sitting on the bedroom floor. Steam poured out of the bathroom, obscuring my vision at first, but when it cleared, I noticed Bella sitting on the bed. She had her knees tucked up almost to her chin and a book in one hand out in front of her.
She raised an eyebrow at me and motioned to the steam. "Did you start a fire in there or something?"
I shrugged. "It's a wolf thing. I have to turn the hot water all the way up before it even feels warm."
She nodded in understanding. "Makes sense."
I stood there just looking at my overnight bag for a moment, not really sure what to do next. I finally reached to pick it up and noticed Bella looking at me. The silence was too much.
"Bella—"
"Jake—"
We talked over each other, then laughed uncomfortably.
"You go first," I told her.
"No, you."
"Nothing, I'm just gonna go get dressed—"
"Wait, Jake. Come sit."
I looked down at myself still wearing the towel and sucked in a deep breath. Here we go. I dropped the bag and made sure the towel was secure, then sat on the other side of the bed. Bella turned to look at me, then looked down at her feet. Her cheeks went bright pink.
"I'm afraid if you get dressed, we'll get comfortable and go watch a movie or play a game and never get the courage to go through with this," she mumbled to her feet.
"Are you ready?" I asked. It wasn't the right question, not exactly. We both knew it would be impossible to feel ready for this moment.
"Are you?" she countered.
"Is yes and no an acceptable answer?" I laughed, knowing that she would understand.
"I know exactly what you mean."
I reached across the giant bed and put my hand over hers where it rested on top of the book.
"It's going to be okay, Bells."
She closed her eyes. "Thank you. For everything. Let's…let's try."
"Okay."
She got up and put the book she had been reading on the bedside table and started pulling the extra decorative pillows off of the bed. I followed her lead and did the same on my side, making a giant stack on the floor until a single layer was left at the head of the bed. My towel slipped as the last pillow grazed the edge, and I caught it at the last second to keep from being completely exposed. Bella let out a small involuntary gasp and turned her back to me. I couldn't help but laugh at her reaction. I pulled back the sheets and climbed in between them, the towel still wrapped snugly around me, then pulled the blankets up to my waist.
"It's okay Bella, you can turn around now."
When she turned to face me, her cheeks were still stained pink. "Sorry, I um, wasn't expecting…"
"It's fine. Come sit with me." I pulled back the sheets, careful to keep myself covered, and patted the bed next to me in an invitation. "We can talk. We don't have to do anything you're not ready to do."
Wordlessly, she climbed in next to me, still fully clothed in jeans and a t-shirt. She looked petrified, and I was suddenly unsure if we could do this. Is this what she had looked like in the moments before she ran from Edward? Would she soon run away from me too?
I turned to face her. We were both still sitting up, the comforter covering our lower halves. "I'll understand if you change your mind," I reassured her.
"No, Jake, I want this. I just…I'm scared."
"I'm scared too," I confessed. "So if we're both scared, at least we're in this together."
She cracked a smile, and I returned it. My heart was beating wildly in my chest. She leaned back against the pillow and started shimmying under the covers. A moment later, she tossed her jeans onto the floor. My body seemed to finally understand what was about to happen, and suddenly the tightly wrapped towel was a bit restricting. I carefully pulled it off and tossed it to the floor dramatically with a grin, just as she had done her jeans. She laughed and jokingly covered her eyes even though I was still fully covered by the blanket.
"Oh my god, you're naked," she said. But she was laughing as she said it, so I laid on my side and propped my head up on my elbow and tried to relax.
"That's kind of how this works, Bella. Don't tell me you need me to give you the birds and the bees talk, because it seems a little late for that," I joked.
"I don't think there's any talk that can explain what we're doing."
"True. This is more like the birds and the bees and the venus fly trap."
"I don't even want to ask who is who in that scenario," she laughed and propped herself up on one elbow to face me.
"Well Edward's obviously the venus fly trap," I explained.
"Okay, so does that make me the bird or the bee?"
"Oh you're definitely the bee," I told her.
"Why the bee? Why are you the bird?"
I was just making it all up off of the top of my head, though I was pretty pleased with myself for that venus fly trap analogy.
"I don't know, birds are bigger, and you're tiny. And you do pack a bit of a sting sometimes," I joked. Plus the bee was the one that would get eaten by the stupid plant.
"So what you're saying is you're Big Bird."
"No…Big Bird's a big baby. I was thinking something cool like a hawk or maybe an eagle."
"So you're bald, then."
I laughed loudly and rolled onto my back with my hands tucked behind my head, and some of the tension slipped away. "I think this conversation got away from me somehow."
"So…back to the birds and bees, then," Bella said.
Right. Back to the whole being naked in a bed with my best friend thing, though technically I was the only naked one. She still had on a shirt and underwear.
"Right. That. I almost forgot."
"Yeah right."
"No, really, I hang out naked in beds with married women calling me Big Bird all the time. This is nothing. Third time this week, actually." I grinned.
"Be serious, Jake." She was smiling as she said it, and I knew that making a joke of it all had been the right move to calm her down. I also knew we'd have to knock it off sooner or later if we were going to go through with this.
She suddenly stopped smiling and pulled the blanket higher, then started squirming around again. I caught a brief glimpse of pink lace as she tossed her panties to the ground, and my body approved 100% of this new development. As she turned back to face me, her eyes grew wide, and I realized exactly how apparent my current state of excitement was beneath the blanket. It was my turn to blush.
"Sorry," I muttered and moved to cover the blanket with my hand.
"Don't be," she said. "We'd have a problem if you didn't, um, yeah. Okay yeah, this is officially weird."
She shrugged it off and kept talking. "I think we need some ground rules."
"Okay," I agreed. "Such as?"
"No kissing."
I'd kind of assumed that one already. "Okay. And?"
"Um, the blanket stays up," she added. I'd probably sweat to death, but I could manage.
"Okay, anything else?"
"Not off the top of my head. Did you have anything you want to add?" she asked.
"No…just promise you'll tell me if you want to stop or if I do something wrong, okay? The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable…er…more uncomfortable."
"Okay." She agreed.
Then we just laid there in silence, both avoiding making the first move. I didn't want to scare her off or move too fast, but with the no kissing rule, I kind of didn't know where to begin other than diving right in, which didn't really feel right either.
"Maybe lights off is better," she suggested.
"Okay." This didn't seem like the time to remind her that I had amplified night vision. She leaned over and turned off the lamp beside the bed, so I did the same. The moon cast a soft glow over the room through the window.
It felt like I was trying to coax a frightened baby deer to take food from my hand. In all the times I'd imagined this moment over the past two years, there had always been passion and desire. There wasn't supposed to be hesitation and fear.
We were wrapped in silence again. I pushed my own fears aside and slowly moved my hand towards her beneath the sheets. I felt around cautiously until my pinky found what I was looking for, and I grasped her hand in mine.
"Bells, it's just me, Jake. You know me better than anybody. There's nothing to be scared of," I assured her. I squeezed her hand. "Remember how many times we've held hands?" I asked.
"Um, lots, I guess."
"And did it ever mean anything, I don't know…romantic or extra to you?"
"No."
"Right. So why did we do it then? What did it mean to you?" I asked.
"It meant that we were friends. I guess it was like a comfort thing, like we had each other's backs or something."
"Exactly. It means that we're in this together. And that's true no matter how weird or awkward or uncomfortable any of this might feel. If you get nervous, just squeeze my hand, Bells. I'm nervous too, but I trust you."
She squeezed my hand. "I trust you too, Jake."
"You know, we're going to have to touch each other for this to work. I didn't make the rules, that's just how it is."
I heard a soft exhale of breath, an almost laugh. Progress.
"I need you to take the lead here, Bells. You show me what you're comfortable with, and we'll go from there. Breathe. It's just me."
Bella slowly began to pull me by the hand, and the rest of me followed obediently. I closed the space between us until we were arm to arm and I was resting on my side looking down at her. I felt the sudden urge to kiss her, to touch every inch of her body. I wanted to tear her shirt off and slide my hands up and down her legs, her hips, her waist. I wanted to kiss her neck and claim her mouth with mine. Instead, I lay frozen while my insides battled between what I wanted and what Bella needed from me. I slowly put my hand on her right hip, testing the waters. Her skin felt silky soft beneath my rough fingers. I hesitated.
"It's okay, Jake."
I nodded slowly and shifted my body above hers, careful to keep our hips apart until she was ready. We stayed that way in silence, each of us getting used to the proximity, still holding hands. I would wait for her to make the next move. I couldn't do this alone.
She finally looked down as if in concentration, her eyes unseeing in the dark. I felt her free hand graze my stomach, and my body flinched at the unexpected contact.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
Her hand traveled further down, and my body begged for her to keep going. She did. When she finally wrapped her fingers gently around me, I thought I might explode. We'd both been wanting the whole awkward thing to be over with, but now that the moment was here, I didn't exactly want it to end in three seconds, either.
"Go slow at first," she whispered. I nodded.
She guided me to the right place, and I gently began to push. I couldn't believe this was happening. Bella winced and squinted her eyes shut.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" I asked.
"I'm fine, just keep it slow."
We squeezed each others hands as I slowly pushed through, and she kept her eyes shut the whole time until I'd made it all the way in. I could tell she was in pain. I stayed still for a moment to allow her to adjust to the feeling. If it wasn't for the pained look on her face, I might have taken the moment to feel a bit smug about the fact that she clearly wasn't used to accommodating my size.
I leaned down to her ear and whispered. "Are you okay, Bells?"
She nodded. "Keep going."
I kept my movements slow. After a minute, her body seemed to relax and she opened her eyes again. It felt amazing to me, but something was off. Once she opened her eyes, she didn't look at me. Her arm lay motionless on the bed by her side while the other still grasped my hand lifelessly. I moved twice more, gently, but Bella stared off at some point in the dark beyond me. I stilled.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"I can't do this, not like this." I climbed off of her and rolled onto my side, releasing her hand as I moved.
"What do you mean?"
"You won't even look at me. I can't…I knew this would be awkward for us, but I can't do this if it feels like I'm forcing you, like you'd rather be anywhere else but here."
"That's not true, Jake. There's nobody else in the world I would trust to do this for me. You're not forcing me to do anything. I want this."
"No offense, Bella, but your mouth and your body are telling me two different things right now." I sighed, frustrated that I was having to explain this to her. "I get why you would want boundaries, but on some level I'm going to have to enjoy it to, you know…finish the job. I can't do this if it's that horrible for you to be with me."
Bella sat up and turned on the lamp next to her side of the bed.
"Is that what you think? That the thought of being with you is horrible, like I'm grossed out or something?"
The faraway look on her face had told me as much, like she was practically trying to escape her body and leave me alone to do the dirty work.
I grasped the blanket at my waist and sat up too. "What else am I supposed to think when you're cringing and refusing to look at me the whole time?"
"That maybe it's guilt and not disgust that I'm feeling," Bella snapped.
Guilt wasn't much better than disgust in my book. The end result would be the same. She'd just be disgusted with herself instead of me, and she'd still hate me for letting her do it.
"If you seriously want to do this, you're going to have to let the guilt part go. Your husband practically packed us up and shipped us off with signed permission slips and snacks for the road. I promise you, he knew what he was signing up for, and he's not expecting you to lie back and take it like some kind of martyr being punished for a greater good. He's giving up one fucking night for you. Do you have any idea what I'm giving up just to be here?"
Bella's eyes held a mixture of hurt, confusion, and pity. I never meant to guilt trip her, but she obviously didn't get it. She needed to understand the truth.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
I scooted closer to her and picked up her hand again. "I gave up my pack for you, and my virginity. Edward is giving up this one night so you can have a future together. I'm giving up my future so you can have this one night."
Her mouth dropped open. "What do you mean you gave up your pack for me?"
"I left them. It was the only way I could break Sam's command."
"But how?"
"I told you that I was always meant to be Alpha but refused the position. Well, I just finally accepted on my own terms. It seems I'm a lone wolf now."
"I had no idea. I never meant for you to do that for me," she said. She slid back onto her elbow on the pillow.
"It's done, and I'd do it again. The quiet is kind of nice, actually." I shrugged. "Look, I'm not telling you this to lay a guilt trip on you so you'll feel worse. I just want you to realize that we're all giving up something so that you don't have to, and that's on us. Not you. Edward and I both knew what we were getting into by agreeing to this, so you can stop feeling guilty and just accept what we were willing to do for you."
I had no idea what was going to happen next, if we'd just had some kind of necessary breakthrough or if it was time to call it on this whole plan. It was up to her to decide, but I couldn't do this if she was going to lay there and look away like she was getting a shot at the doctor's office.
"So hypothetically, if I wanted to still go through with this and get over myself for tonight, what would that mean to you, exactly?" She asked.
I thought for a moment before answering.
"No more shutting your eyes and pretending you're not here. I promise it doesn't have to be all emotional and awkward and I'm not going to start professing my love to you, but you're going to have to accept that this is a physical thing that takes two people, and you're one of them. Hypothetically, it would mean just letting yourself go, physically, and trusting that we can both handle it. Unless of course you are disgusted by me, in which case this just isn't going to work."
Her eyes raked over my torso, and I actually had momentarily forgotten that I was naked until she was staring.
Her cheeks flushed red again. "I've never been disgusted by you, Jake."
"Can I tell you something, hypothetically, if it might help?" she continued.
"Sure."
"Maybe part of what I'm afraid of is enjoying it."
Well, that wasn't what I expected. At all.
"Bells, I'm not going to think less of you if you do. I might be new here, but from what I understand, it's kind of part of the deal if we're doing things right."
She nodded. "Okay, so maybe we worry less about rules, and I'll promise to try to be present. No emotions, though."
"Absolutely not," I agreed.
"It's just tonight, and it stays here. Whatever happens, I'm trusting you, Jacob."
"Understood."
"So, we're doing this?" She asked.
"Whenever you're ready," I told her.
And then she did something that I didn't expect. She took her fucking shirt off, and then she smiled. She was wearing a pink lacy bra that matched the panties that I was suddenly remembering were on the floor.
"Better?" she asked.
"It's a start." It was better than a start. The blanket in my lap raised a bit higher at full attention again.
She inched closer to me, still letting the blankets cover both of our lower halves and not bothering to turn out the light this time. I felt her hand rest on my thigh under the blanket. She raised it an inch higher.
"Is this okay?" she asked, her shyness returning.
"Bella, trust me when I say it's all okay." Anything Bella was up for trying was very, very okay with me.
She turned to face me and suddenly she was climbing onto my lap, but she moved a little too quickly and almost fell over the side of the bed. I grasped both of her hips in my hands to steady her. "See, nothing new and scary here. That was a total old school Bella move."
"What, the falling? Because I sure don't remember doing this before," she smirked.
I started to joke that that must have just been in my dreams, but thought better of it.
With her balance back, she focused on straddling me, then grasped me in her tiny hand again, this time looking down with wide eyes and pink cheeks. I couldn't help the grin that formed on my face, and I was pretty sure I would never forget the look on hers.
Bella lifted herself up and slowly lowered herself back down onto me, and it felt like everything that led up to this moment had been worth it. She leaned into my chest and I dared to bring my mouth down onto the skin between her neck and her shoulder. I kissed it gently and made a trail up to her neck as she continued to move against me in perfection. When I stopped, she leaned forward and nipped at my earlobe. A low growl poured from my throat without permission.
She began to move faster with more urgency, and I knew I couldn't let this moment end too quickly. Without warning, I put my hand against her back and flipped her onto the bed. She squealed. I hovered over her for only a moment before we connected again. Her cheeks were growing flushed, and it ignited a fire in me.
"Are you still okay?" I whispered in her ear.
"Mhm." It was the most breathy, intoxicating sound I'd ever heard her make.
I knew this was the only time we'd ever get to do this, and I didn't want to waste a moment of it. I ran both of my hands down her body as I'd imagined doing earlier. Past the curve of her waist and the swell of her hips, then gripping the sides of her thighs as we moved together. I looked down at her face, and she stared back at me, alive. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
It gave me the courage I needed. I gave her hand a quick return squeeze, then released it and put my hand back on her waist. If we only got one shot, I was going to make sure she enjoyed this. For a moment, I was infinitely thankful for the past year of pack mind overshares and all the things I had accidentally learned and never had a chance to put into practice. I let my hand trail lower, exploring the flat planes of her stomach, then lower still. I made eye contact before continuing, asking a wordless permission that we both understood.
She gulped once and nodded.
When I finally touched her, she let out a soft involuntary moan. It was the hottest thing I'd ever heard just knowing that I could be the one to draw that sound out of her.
Our hips moved together, perfectly in sync. We started moving faster, my hand still working a very determined solo mission. When I felt her fingers dig into my back, I knew that this was it. I stopped trying to hold back and let it happen, and I don't care how fucking cheesy it sounds, it felt like the world exploded around us. I could only hope it felt half as good for Bella as it did for me, but judging by the sounds she was making, I was pretty confident that my mission to please her had been a success.
I looked down at her in the moment that it was over, both of us still gasping for breath, and she smiled. She was so fucking beautiful it hurt. I tried to push the feeling aside and uphold my end of the deal. No feelings.
I moved back to my side of the bed and we laid there in silence waiting for our breathing to become steady again. Bella reached across the space between us and squeezed my hand. I would never be able to hold hers again without thinking of this night, I was sure of it. Neither of us spoke, but for the first time since we'd arrived, the silence didn't feel awkward or heavy. I felt completely at ease like this with her, and before I could worry about sleeping arrangements or polite gentlemanly offers to sleep on the couch, I was out.