Normally Quinn can overcome any obstacles...but when that obstacle is a fussy month old baby...it's a lot harder to conquer. Quinn has been home for a week and while she's loved all the quality time she's gotten to spend with her daughter, she always had someone by her side whether it was Santana, Rachel or Brittany...she wasn't alone. However, today...today she is all on her own. Santana normally finds a way to work from home, but she had to go meet with potential clients today; Brittany is working and Rachel is busy.
Since being home, Santana had still been primarily caring for Kai, wanting to give Quinn time to adjust and not push her too far too soon. Quinn has been feeling much better this week and more like herself, so she assured Santana she could care for her own child. What kind of mother can't care for their own child? A horrible one. An absent one. A mother undeserving of the tittle and right now, Quinn feels like she fits into each category.
Every time Kai cries, Quinn can't figure out how to comfort her...just like now. Quinn is gently rocking Kai in her arms as she screams in her ear. Her mind races as she tries to calm the whaling baby, but it's not as easy as she thought it would be. Kai won't take the pacifier, nor the bottle and she doesn't need to be changed, so what is wrong? Is she just rejecting her?
"What is wrong?" Quinn says softly to the baby in her arms.
After seeing Santana with Kai and Benji, Quinn has seen how good she is with both of them. From what she's been told, Kai isn't even a fussy baby, so what is she doing wrong? She doesn't want to call anyone for help and she definitely doesn't want Santana to see how incapable she is. Sighing heavily, Quinn sits on the couch with her daughter and fights back her own tears. Maybe she was never meant to be a mother...
"Lucy, I'm home." Santana jokes as she opens the door, frowning upon hearing Kai's cries.
Quinn quickly pulls herself together, plastering a fake smile on her face as Santana comes into the living room.
"Uh...everything okay?" Santana asks skeptically as she approaches the couch.
"Yeah, she's just not having a good day." Santana nods slightly, holding her hands out for Kai. Quin clenches her jaw before reluctantly giving Santana their child.
"I didn't know you could get that red. Are you hungry?" Santana says softly as she walks back towards the kitchen. Quinn watches as Santana grabs the bottle, she'd just tried to feed Kai, from the island and seconds later the crying stops.
"I told you, we gotta find an inside voice for you." Quinn rolls her eyes as she turns away. How did Santana walk in and get her to be quiet in less than 60 seconds?
"Have you been torturing your mama? God you're moody. I'm probably going to hate you in your teenage years." Santana says to Kai as she walks over to the couch.
"So...how was mama and me time today?" She asks as she sits next to Quinn. Santana notices the irritation on Quinn's face, but decides not to comment yet.
"Oh, it was great. After you left she woke up and has been crying for almost the entire time you've been gone, but her favorite mother is back so she's fine now." Quinn responds bitterly, her fear quickly turning to anger.
"Why didn't you call me?" Santana asks.
"Because I don't need your help. I know how to be a mother to my kid." Quinn snaps.
"Whoa, what the hell is your problem? I only asked a question. No one is saying you don't know how to be a mother." Santana responds.
"Everything about this is saying I don't know how to be a mother!" Quinn fists clench in frustration as hot tears begin to roll down her cheeks. Frowning, Santana lies Kai down on the couch, positioning her safely against the pillows before turning to Quinn.
"What's going on with you? Are you depressed or something?" Quinn glares at her as she sighs heavily.
"No I'm not fuck- I'm not depressed Santana. I'm pissed! I'm pissed that everyone else seems to have a bond with my kid except me! She hates me!" Quinn cries, her tears falling more steadily now.
"Quinn, she doesn't hate you. This parenthood thing...it doesn't click overnight. It took me weeks to figure her out and I'm still figuring shit out. You gotta relax. I know you're frustrated, but just take a minute to calm down." Quinn turns away from Santana and wipes her eyes, focusing on her breathing so that she can calm herself. Santana watches her carefully, giving her a few minutes to collect herself.
"Now talk to me. What is going on in that head?" Santana asks softly. Quinn sniffles as her head drops.
"I just...I didn't think this would be so hard. I see you with her or Britt...even Rachel and you're all so good with her. Benji too...and I just feel like..." Quinn trails off with a shake of her head. Santana covers Quinn's hand with hers and watches as the blonde takes a shuddering breath.
"I feel like...maybe this isn't for me. I'm not a good mother and I don't know why I ever thought I would be..." Santana sighs lightly as she listens to Quinn.
"Baby...you're not the only one who feels like that. Or felt like that. The first week you were in the hospital, my mom stayed a little longer all because I was losing my shit. I've never been anyone's parent and then I'm automatically responsible for two tiny people." Quinn's eyes flicker to Santana's for a brief moment.
"Brittany was better with both of them than I was. Hell, she was better than Rachel and I with both of them. I'm grateful for my kids, but that doesn't mean that their existence doesn't scare the shit out of me. I told my mom I wasn't cut out for this...Rachel told me the same thing. You're not a bad mother because you're getting to know your kid. Yeah she was inside you for 9 months or whatever, but she's like an actual person now so we gotta figure her out." Santana continues with a light shrug. She sighs when she feels Quinn's hand unclench.
"What if you're wrong? And I am a bad mother?"
"Stop throwing that word around. There's no good or bad. You're doing the best you can just like I am, and that's all that matters." Santana says, returning her attention to Kai, who has finished her bottle. Santana pulls it from her lips as she places her in Quinn's arms. Quinn instinctively begins to burp her as she gazes at Santana.
"Let me give you a few tips on this weirdo anyway." Santana says with a slight smirk.
"Sometimes, she won't take the bottle even if you do that rubbing her cheek thing. I just take the nipple, and wiggle it between her lips. Don't know why it works, but it does and if she's crying hard, like turning red and looks like she's going to punch you, it's because she's hungry. Also sometimes she cries because she's bored." Quinn's eyebrows furrow.
"Yeah I didn't even know that was a thing, but when nothing will get her to shut up, I talk to her and make faces or whatever and she stops. Normally she doesn't cry from boredom, but she has her moments." Santana says and Quinn nods as Kai burps.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you."
"It's cool. Pretty sure you'll get it right back before the end of this week. For the record though, you'd tell me if you were depressed right?" Santana questions.
"I would. I'm not depressed, I promise. Just...insecure I guess." Santana moves closer to her until their thighs touch.
"I'm always here for reassurance. I love you." Quinn's eyebrows rise as she stares at Santana. "I know that I haven't said it..and maybe you almost dying made me realize it a little quicker, but I do love you." A wide grin spreads across Quinn's lips as Santana presses a kiss to her lips.
"I love you too." Quinn says quietly as they pull apart.
"Never had a doubt. When she goes to sleep, I'll show you exactly how much I love you." Santana wiggles her eyebrows and Quinn rolls her eyes, trying to stifle her giggle.
"I can't have sex yet." Santana shook her head.
"Naps are a huge turn on for me nowadays anyway." They share a laugh as Santana rests her head on Quinn's shoulder, gently rubbing Kai's head.