TW: Mentions of death, dying
Optimistic isn't a word Quinn would ever use to describe herself. She only sees the world the way it is and it's left her a little jaded. When Quinn told Santana she was okay, she lied. It wasn't that she wanted to, but what good would it do for both of them to be an emotional mess? Just like Quinn, Santana still has to get up every morning and be a mother, go to work, be a partner and their responsibilities won't stop because of the curveball life has thrown them.
The world didn't stop because Quinn's doctor found a tumor and it didn't stop when they used words she didn't understand to tell her it was cancer. The world didn't stop when they told her she'd need to begin chemotherapy before they could surgically remove half of her reproductive organs and it definitely didn't stop when they told her she may not be able to have anymore children after the treatment.
They went over some fertility options in case Quinn wanted children in the future but it would delay any treatment to the cancerous cells already destroying her from the inside out and Quinn isn't a patient person. It killed Quinn to bypass storing any eggs but she didn't want to wait any longer. Right now, she's in stage 2 or 2A depending on who she's talking to and has a high possibility of beating it but there's still the possibility of something unpredictable happening and Quinn doesn't like unpredictability.
In the past month while she's been dealing with this, Quinn has been angry. Angry with the world and herself. At first, she questioned God. She just couldn't help it. Growing up with such a strong Christian faith gave her comfort in the beginning but then she wasn't able to comprehend why her God would give her such a burden. Quinn had finally gotten all she wanted, so why was he punishing her? Was it because of how she behaved as a teenager? All those nasty words and plots...was that why? Or was it because she'd given up her child? Living with that fact wasn't punishment enough? What could she have done to deserve this?
It's all just so frustrating, stressful and depressing. Processing this has been hard for everyone in Quinn's life but it's been especially devastating for Santana, who seems to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of denial and fear. Santana has her days where she just doesn't acknowledge that anything is different and she has days where she doesn't sleep because she stares at Quinn all night, watching her chest rise and fall to make sure she's okay.
Quinn actually didn't want to tell anyone other than Brittany but Santana convinced her to after she'd noticed Quinn retreating into herself. They both needed more support but they wouldn't have any if no one knew what they were going through. Quinn desperately just wanted things to go back to the way they were but she knows there's a possibility that may never happen.
"Why haven't you been sleeping?" Quinn asks as she moves closer to Santana. They'd been lying in bed for the past few hours and Quinn had been forcing herself to stay awake to see when Santana would finally go to sleep. Quinn had noticed that Santana looked visibly tired recently and she wanted to know why.
A couple weeks ago, they moved into their new house after Quinn convinced Santana that they should still do it. Santana was afraid that money could get tight in the foreseeable future because of medical expenses but Quinn has pretty good health insurance and she knew they would be fine. It was also a selfish move on her part. Quinn wants to feel like she still has some control over some things in her life and this was the best way to do that.
"What are you talking about?" Santana glances to Quinn as she positions herself in front of her, resting her head in her hand.
"You know what I'm talking about." Santana thought about protesting but she knew she wouldn't win.
"New house I guess." She shrugs.
"I'd believe that if I didn't know you. You could fall asleep at an active construction site if you were comfortable enough. What's going on?" Quinn asks. She was so tired she was barely able to keep her eyes open but she wanted to make sure Santana was okay.
"It's not anything serious Q." Santana tries to reassure her, adding a smile for good measure.
Santana isn't sure how many days it's been but she hasn't slept more than a few hours each night because of her constant nightmares. The dreams aren't the same but the ending is and they shake her to her core. Quinn dies and no matter what Santana does, she can't save her. Santana didn't think Quinn noticed but she had been nodding off more often lately.
"So what is it?" Quinn asks, fighting back a yawn. Santana's head turns towards the ceiling, folding her hands over her stomach.
"Nothing babe. Why don't you lie down and go to sleep?" Santana asks and Quinn blinks slowly a few times before shaking her head.
"Why don't you answer my question?" Quinn poked Santana's side with a lazy half smile and Santana chuckled. Quinn gets silly when she's tired and normally Santana finds it cute but she really just wants her to go sleep right now.
"I've been having...weird dreams." She finally admits and Quinn's eyebrow arches as she places her hand on Santana's stomach.
"Weird how? Like nightmares?" Santana nods as Quinn's hand slides under gray tank top.
"About what?" Santana suppresses a groan as Quinn lies her head against her chest and wraps her arm around her waist.
"Different stuff every time." Santana replies plainly.
"What was the last one then?" Quinn gently rubs Santana's hip, savoring the warmth of her body.
"Just go to sleep. We can talk about it tomorrow." Quinn sighs lightly at Santana's response.
"Tell me or we'll both be up all night." Santana rolls her eyes and inhales deeply. Even if Quinn wanted to stay awake, she wouldn't be able to and they both knew it.
"Fine...there was a car accident where the car is wrapped around a tree. I'm the only one there but I'm not in the car, just on the side of the road watching from a distance. I run over to see if the driver is okay...and they're not." Quinn notices how small Santana's voice has gotten and she tilts her head, watching Santana's features soften.
"They're just...bleeding out. I try to open the door but it's stuck...and I can't get inside. I can't help. They reach out towards me and I freeze." Santana's voice cracks and Quinn sits up, looking her over with worried eyes.
"Baby, it's okay." Quinn softly tells her, reaching her hand up to wipe Santana's fallen tears. She knows the dream is about her from Santana's vagueness but she never would have thought her diagnosis was effecting Santana so much that it's literally haunting her in her dreams.
"Am I the driver?" Santana tried to answer the question but only a choked sob came out in response.
Quinn pulls the other woman into her arms, holding her tightly as her partner cries and clings to her as if her life depends on it. Seeing Santana this way didn't do anything to help the guilt Quinn had already been feeling. Since telling her friends and family about her diagnosis, they've been trying to be more involved in her life but it's not the same as before. Brittany is always looking at her with sad eyes and clings to her whenever she's around, Judy and the Jones' won't stop calling and Maribel just recently went back to Lima after having been with them for four days. While Quinn appreciates all of the support, she doesn't want people to keep worrying about her. She isn't sure what the end result of this may be but she wants everyone to just...be normal.
Quinn held Santana for as long as she needed, but nothing could stop the ache in Santana's chest. Reality isn't letting her stay in denial and the truth is overwhelming. Quinn is fighting an invisible enemy and Santana can't do anything to help her or to stop it. She feels helpless, useless and completely powerless.
"Do you feel any better?" Quinn asks. After Santana calmed down enough, Quinn made her a cup of hot chocolate and sat next to her.
"A little bit. Thanks." Quinn nods as Santana takes the cup from her then rests her head on Santana's shoulder.
"You're afraid I'm going to die, aren't you?" Santana winced at Quinn's words. That word is too final and too hard to comprehend right now. Quinn felt tears stinging her eyes when she said the word. Ever since this began, death has been looming over her head. It isn't something she's prepared to face.
"I know...all of this is scary, but I'm not giving up Santana. You can't either." Santana's grip tightened around her mug as she stared into the dark liquid.
"I'm not. I just want all of this to end." Quinn nods, sitting her hand on Santana's knee.
"We'll get through this." She tells her. Santana looks up from her cup and into Quinn's eyes.
"Okay...can you just, hold me?" Quinn smiles softly and nods her head. Santana sits her mug on the nightstand before lying on her side and Quinn wraps her arms around her girlfriend, holding her tightly.
"When are you going to have an emotional breakdown so I can comfort you?" Santana asks. Quinn laughs lightly before responding.
"I don't know. Why does that matter?"
"Because I'm supposed to be here for you. Not the other way around." Santana responds.
"We're here for each other and besides, we both know you're the more sensitive one so it was only a matter of time." Quinn teases and though she can't see it because the brunette's head is under her chin, Santana rolls her eyes at her.
"Shut up." Quinn laughs softly again before kissing Santana's head.
Quinn decided to keep talking, trying to take Santana's mind off of her condition and is pleasantly surprised when Santana eventually begins snoring.
The next morning, Quinn woke before Santana and had been feeling better and having more energy today so she decided to make breakfast for her family. After eating, Quinn went to work and hoped the rest of the day would be as good her morning was going. Since her treatment, today feels the most productive for Quinn and she feels accomplished and that feeling alone was enough to lift her spirits. Quinn sits in her office, highlighter in hand as she skims the documents in front of her, she hears a soft knock on the door.
"Come in." She calls out, without looking up from her work.
When she hears the door shut, she lifts her head to see Sophia smiling brightly at her. Quinn smiles back at her as the smaller woman walks towards her desk. Sophia's Chestnut curls gently bounce as she approaches Quinn, holding out a large purple mug towards her. Quinn glances at it curiously before looking into Sophia's gold specked gray eyes.
"What is this?" Sophia doesn't normally come to Quinn's office and she definitely doesn't bring her things.
"It's green tea." Quinn's nose turns up as she shakes her head.
"No thanks. I hate that stuff." Sophia smiles softly at her, sitting it down on her desk.
"It helps the chemo drugs work better." Quinn arches her eyebrow. No one in the office knows about her cancer, so how does Sophia?
"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to." She begins after seeing Quinn's confusion.
"My aunt had breast cancer. I noticed how tired you've been, the blanket." Sophia uses her hand to gesture to said item sitting on the back of Quinn's chair.
"And the trembling when I handed you that folder the other day." Quinn sighs softly.
"I hope I'm not overstepping..." She says cautiously and Quinn shakes her head.
"No...does anyone else know?" She asks and Sophia shakes her head before sitting on the edge of Quinn's desk.
Quinn couldn't help but look at the exposed skin as Sophia crossed her legs. That skirt wasn't unprofessionally short but it did expose some of her thigh when she sat this way. Sophia is a very attractive woman with a body even Quinn envied so she'd be lying is she said she wasn't attracted to her in some way. Sophia seems to be no taller than Rachel with a complexion slightly darker than Santana's.
"I don't think so. I'm just very observant." Sophia tells her.
"Well...thanks. That was really thoughtful." Sophia shakes her head, waving her hand dismissively sending a floral scent to invade Quinn's senses.
"Don't thank me. I know this is hard. On the plus side if you were trying to drop a few pounds, chemo might be the trick." Quinn snorts lightly at the joke.
"Seriously though, if you want to talk about it...I'm here. I know you have friends and we aren't that close but sometimes that makes things easier." Sophia says, gently pushing the mug towards Quinn.
"Thanks." Quinn says, eyeing the mug suspiciously.
"You're sure this helps?" She asks as she grabs the mug.
"Yeah, my aunt swears by it and she's been cancer free since 2010." Quinn nods, bringing the cup closer to her lips.
"So...what is it? If you don't mind me asking." Sophia asks as Quinn takes a sip of the tea, which doesn't taste as bad as she remembered.
"Ovarian." Sophia nods thoughtfully.
"Both?" Quinn shakes her head as she takes another sip of her tea.
"Left." Sophia nods before checking her watch.
"I have to go but if you need anything, let me know." Sophia places a comforting hand on Quinn's shoulder before standing to leave the room.
"Sophia?" She turns upon hearing her name being called.
"Keep this between us." Quinn tells her and she nods.
"Of course."
The rest of the day went well for Quinn and when she got home it only got better. Santana seems to be in higher spirits and Kai is her normal happy self which made Quinn grateful for the present. Time went by faster than she would have liked but Quinn can say she had a pretty good day. After Kai had fallen asleep, Santana and Quinn laid on the couch in their living room to watch TV.
"Has TV always been this predictable? I mean come on, obviously he's a rapist. Look at his mustache." Quinn chuckled as she gently runs her fingers through Santana's hair.
Santana isn't normally a fan of Law & Order: SVU but she did just make Quinn binge watch American Horror Story with her so the least she could do is sit through a few episodes.
"He's the dad, have you even been paying attention?" Santana shrugs, lightly gliding her hand over Quinn's shin.
"He could still be the rapist." Quinn nods.
"True, but he didn't do it."
"And how are you so sure?" Quinn shrugs.
"I just know." She responds and Santana shakes her head.
"We'll see." Santana says before leaning forward to reposition herself. Previously, she was lying with her back against Quinn's front but now she was facing her laying her head against her chest.
"Why don't we take this to the bedroom?" Quinn asks in a sultry tone to causing Santana to lift her head to find Quinn giving her bedroom eyes.
"We can definitely take this to the bedroom." Santana grinned, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice. Quinn giggled as Santana quickly stood, pulling her hand to help her get to her feet. It's goes without saying that their sex life has taken a major hit lately but today had been a very good day for Quinn.
Thanks for reading, see ya soon.