A/N: Hey everyone, just wanted to say thanks for hanging in there with me while I try to get this story where I want it to be. It's still gonna be rough for a little while but hang in there, it gets better. Thanks for reading.
"For fuck's sake!" Quinn shouted in frustration.
Last month Quinn's chemo dosage had changed because the tumor hadn't responded positively and had grown slightly. She'd previously already had a higher dose because the doctors wanted to be start off aggressively with her treatment so Quinn was more than disappointed to find out that her tumor had grown. With the increase in medication, Quinn's side effects have only increased and with that increase came a lot more of emotional distress. Between her increasing muscle pain, fatigue and nausea Quinn has barely had the energy to get out of bed lately or even make it work, but she still figures out a way to do it.
Today has just been harder than she thought it would be. Santana has a full schedule and Quinn thought she'd be fine with Kai but it's getting harder to keep up with her one year old. She'd thought about calling a babysitter but their regular sitter is out of town. Then she thought she could call Mercedes since she came back to NYC again but she didn't want to bother her since she'd been trying to get her to go back home. So there's no way she can ask for help. If she does, she's sure Mercedes would never leave.
Knowing she was really going to need some sort of help, Quinn texts Brittany to see if she could come over, who agreed so Quinn was more than disappointed when Rachel was the one to show up at her house. Which is why Quinn is currently trying to call Brittany to ask about her surprise visitor but she keeps dropping her phone, fueling her outburst of profanity. Her tremors are getting worse and harder to hide. After hearing her shout, Rachel looks over to Quinn on the other side of the living room.
Quinn is definitely still mad at Rachel, less mad now but still mad. Brittany may have taken her back and Santana may have stopped verbalizing her want to kill her but Quinn is still hurt that someone she considered a friend would betray her in that way. Rachel knows Quinn is going to be slow to forgive and she had been respecting her space but when she found out Quinn was fighting cancer, she didn't care much about that anymore. No matter what the consequences would be, Rachel would be there for her friend and she's been consistently trying, much to Quinn's annoyance.
"Is everything alright?" Rachel asks and Quinn completely ignores her, reaching down on to pick her phone up from the floor.
The only reason she didn't yell at Rachel to get out is because the kids are around, along with not really having the energy to argue with her. Quinn grabs her phone and looks over to the kids near Rachel, playing with their toys as Rachel shakes her head at Quinn for continuing to ignore her. It's what she'd been doing since she got there less than 30 minutes ago.
"Is this how you are going to behave while I'm here?" Rachel asks, fully prepared not to receive a response. Quinn doesn't even glance up at her, determined to tell Brittany exactly how much she doesn't appreciate this uninvited visitor and how she was officially mad at her too.
"We can talk when the kids take their nap." Quinn dryly responds and Rachel nods her head, accepting the answer for now.
Hours pass and Rachel watched as Quinn tried her best to interact with the kids but you could tell she was exhausted. Quinn has lost a significant amount of weight in the past few months and she's began wearing her hair almost exclusively in a ponytail. Rachel doesn't know for certain if hair loss is the reason but she suspects it. Having a friend deal with something like this has put things in perspective for Rachel; for everyone in Quinn's life. It makes you appreciate the things you would normally take for granted as well as focus on the important things in your life.
Soon, lunch came and after feeding the kids Rachel made a vegetable soup for Quinn. Quinn said she wasn't hungry but Rachel had been there for hours and Quinn hadn't eaten anything. She's barely moved from her spot on the couch and Rachel is now determined to make sure she eats something before she leaves. 45 minutes before Rachel put the children down for their naps, Quinn had fallen asleep but by the time Rachel had come back from the kids rooms, she's wide awake. Since this would be the only time she'd probably be able to speak to Quinn, Rachel decided she could try to feed her as well. After making her a bowl, Rachel brings it to Quinn and holds it out to her with a bright smile. Watching her through narrowed eyes, Quinn clears her throat.
"I'm not hungry." She says, her voice gruff and thick with sleep.
"That may be true, but you need to eat." Rachel says in a softer tone.
"I don't need anything from you." Quinn retorts, her sharp tone cutting through Rachel like a freshly sharpened blade. Sighing, Rachel sits the bowl on the coffee table as she takes in her friends small frame.
"Quinn...I'm going to speak frankly and I hope that you will understand and listen to me. What you are fighting right now...you can not do alone. What happened between us is insignificant in comparison to what you're dealing with and I will not allow you to keep pushing me away." Quinn's eyes roll at Rachel's attempt to be stern with her.
Sure, Quinn had been conflicted on the standing of their relationship but how can she trust that Rachel won't do something like that again? It would be stupid, wouldn't it? To forgive her and re-establish their friendship?
"I'm not sure how you trying to kiss my girlfriend is insignificant to you but it's not to me." Rachel sighs softly before looking away.
"Quinn...I admit that was not my proudest moment but nothing like that will ever happen again. It was a mistake. If Santana can forgive me, why can't you?"
"Why can't I? Santana forgave you because what other choice did she have? You have her son. Brittany forgave you because she's in love with you. I won't forgive you because you lied to me! You expect me to trust you? I don't even trust you to be in the same room with Santana. You expect me to just get over that?" Quinn sits up on the couch so that she can look into Rachel's eyes and finds something unexpected. A fire. A fire that Quinn has never seen being directed towards her.
"You have every right to feel the way that you do but I will not turn my back on a friend when she needs me the most. I know that's easy for me to say because you didn't hurt me the way I hurt you but I will not continue to let you push me away. If you want me out of your life, you're going to have to physically remove me." Quinn's eyebrows furrow as Rachel crosses her arms with a huff.
"You want me to...fight you?" Rachel rolls her eyes.
"I meant something along legalities." Quinn sighs softly, looking away from the woman before her.
Surprised wouldn't be the best way to describe what Quinn is feeling but it's pretty close. Rachel can be persistent but Quinn didn't think she cared this much about their friendship...and it's making it kind of hard to stay upset with her.
"Quinn, I love you and I want the best for you. You're struggling right now so let me be here for you. After you beat this, you can continue to hate me but until then I'm not leaving you to deal with this on your own." Rachel tells her.
"I'm not alone." Quinn adds.
"No, you aren't but you're still my friend even if it isn't reciprocated and I'm not abandoning my friend." Quinn didn't have the energy to respond. She wanted to be a bitch to Rachel but she just couldn't.
"What's in the bowl?" Quinn softly asks, glancing at the coffee table. Rachel smiles briefly seeing this as a win.
"Vegetable soup." With a nod of her head, Quinn reaches for the bowl. After gently swirling her spoon around in the bowl, she sighs softly and looks up to Rachel who is now standing a few feet from her.
"I'm...really not hungry."
"I really don't care. Eat the soup." Quinn's eyebrows furrow at Rachel's firm tone.
"Yes?" Rachel responds after seeing Quinn's expression. Instead of commenting, Quinn just shakes her head and eats some of the soup.
"Why did you come instead of Brittany?" Quinn asks as Rachel sits in a recliner on the other side of the room.
"I convinced her to stay home so don't be upset with her." It's a little too late for that but Quinn knew that was probably what happened.
For the remainder of the time Rachel had been in her home, Quinn was nicer to her than she had been lately but they definitely still aren't friends.
Having finally accepted the reality of the situation, Santana has now settled on fear. She's been trying to be more positive but she can't stop thinking about how serious this is. The tumors growth didn't help ease Santana's worry either and everything seems to be happening so fast. Quinn is becoming so much weaker and almost frail and it's foreign and unfamiliar territory. It hurts seeing her this way but it has helped her appreciate every moment they have together. Quinn's cancer diagnosis makes no sense. No one in her family has it and she's healthy, young and sees her doctor regularly. So of all people, why her? How her? Santana just isn't able to make sense of any of it.
"Thank you." Quinn smiles sweetly as Santana layers another blanket on top of her.
For the past few nights, Santana had been sleeping on the couch after she'd accidentally kicked Quinn in her sleep. It left a large bruise on her shin and Santana had been feeling guilty ever since. Quinn couldn't convince Santana to come back to bed so she did the next best thing and lied on the couch with her.
"You're welcome." Santana says before sitting at the other end of the couch. Quinn watches Santana for a moment before sighing softly and sitting up with her blankets. Santana catches her movement from the corner of her eye and silently watches her as Quinn moves into her lap.
"You know I won't break right?" Quinn asks.
"I know. I just don't want to hurt you." Santana responds and Quinn rolls her eyes as her arms enclose around Santana's neck.
"Yeah, I know but I like sleeping with you." Santana smirks at the phrasing and Quinn shakes her head lightly.
"Let's just go to bed. Please?" Quinn pouts for good measure and Santana chuckles softly.
"Fine, I'll sleep with you." Quinn smiles as Santana wraps her arms around her waist.
"Never would've thought I'd have to beg to get you in bed with me." Quinn teases, a slight smirk on her lips.
"Maybe you didn't beg the right way." Quinn's eyebrow rises at Santana's smirk.
"So what is the right way?" She questions but she already knows where Santana is going with this.
"You could have gotten on your knees and I would've been naked in like 2 seconds." Quinn rolls her eyes with a grin.
"I said we were going to sleep, not having sex." Santana shrugs lightly.
"I don't see why we can't do both." Quinn rests her head on Santana's shoulder and nestles into her warmth, sighing contentedly.
"I know you don't." Santana eyes shift as she notes the softer tone.
"Are you tired?" She asks and the light breath from Quinn's humorless laugh tickles against her skin.
"I'm always tired. Are you?" Santana shakes her head lightly before gently placing her hand on Quinn's knee.
"Can I ask you something?" Quinn doesn't respond verbally, only nodding her head briefly.
Santana took a deep breath, contemplating if she should ask. This isn't how she wanted to do it. Quinn deserves something more...special, but does it really matter how she asks? Or -
"You okay, baby?" Santana didn't realize she'd been so lost in thought that she never said anything else and she didn't notice when Quinn sat up and silently watched her either.
"Yeah, I'm good." Santana says quietly and Quinn gently cups her cheek, smiling softly at her.
"Are you sure? You kinda just disappeared on me." Santana nods and while she gazes into Quinn's concerned eyes, she answers the question Quinn asked moments before.
"Yes. Quinn...we wasted so much time and I don't want to waste another second. My life would be nothing without you and I appreciate everything you brought into it. Right now...the future is unknown but the only thing I know for sure is that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Quinn's eyes widen as she realizes what's happening.
"What I'm trying to say is... will you marry me?" Santana's hopeful gaze and nervous smile causes Quinn's eyes to mist over as she's left speechless.
"This is the part where you say yes." Santana says after sitting in a much longer silence than she expected.
After blinking back her tears, Quinn smiles at her but it isn't a joyful one. It's filled with remorse and sorrow. Quinn watches as Santana's eyebrows furrow with confusion so she takes one of her hands as a few tears escapes her eyes.
"Santana...I would love more than anything to be your wife..." Quinn had to stop to collect herself as more tears began falling. Sniffling, Quinn bites her top lip before swallowing hard. This was too hard.
"Is this a long winded yes? Because I could really do without the suspense Q." Quinn shakes her head and musters the courage to give Santana her answer.
"I can't...we can't get married Santana." Quinn's voice was quiet but filled with sadness as she watches Santana process what she's saying.
"What? Q, I know we joke a lot but this is serious." Quinn nods before sighing softly.
"I know. We can't get married Santana." Santana's confusion deepens but is extremely close to being replaced by anger.
"Why the hell not? You don't want to be with me anymore?" Quinn quickly shakes her head in response.
"No, I do. I love you so much. We can't get married because of me. What's going on with me...I couldn't hurt you like that." Quinn gently sits her hand on Santana's cheek as the other woman begins to cry.
"I don't care about that! We're in this together Q..." Santana's voice cracks, her eyes reddening as she becomes overwhelmed.
"Santana...listen to me. You are beautiful, smart, funny and anyone would be lucky to have you but we can't do this. If something happens to me...I don't want you to carry that burden. You deserve to marry someone you'll grow old with." Santana doesn't like what Quinn is implying.
"You're the woman I want to be with. You're not going to die!" Quinn shakes her head as she looks away from her girlfriend.
"You don't know that. I don't know that...I'm fighting for my life right now and we don't know who's going to come out on top. I don't want your memory of your first marriage to be of me...dying." Quinn choked on the word and couldn't fight back her sob any longer. Santana pulled the woman into her arms and clung tightly to her body.
"I don't want to die..." Quinn mumbles against Santana's chest before another sob rips through her body. Quinn wants to stop crying but she just couldn't hold back any longer and so Santana held her as they cried together.