Chapter 20
Tuesday, April 9th
Logan and Raven are driving to Astoria, Oregon, where Logan's parents are buried. When they get to the city around 12pm, they go to a small restaurant for lunch. After they finish eating, the go to the cemetery to find the graves. After searching for a bit, Raven sees their names.
"Logan," she says. He turns to her. "Over here." He walks over to her and looks down at their tombstones. He kneels down in front of them. Raven crouches down next to him. "I'll leave you alone for a bit," Raven says. Logan nods and she kisses his cheek then stands up and walks away. Logan wipes the tears from his eyes.
"Hi Mom," he says. "Hi Dad. I know I haven't talked to you two in a while and it's been even longer since I've been here. I miss you guys. I wish you were still here. It's not fair that I lived and you didn't. You know I had a rough time in foster care then living on the streets. I'm lucky to have met Dick and Victor and live with them, along with Kari and Raven. I've told you about all of them before but now I have more to share about Raven. We're dating now, have been since Christmas. I've liked her for much longer though. I've probably had a crush on her since we met about 2 ½ years ago. She always found me immature and annoying though. About six months ago though, her now ex-boyfriend raped her. She was struggling during that time and I helped her through it. We became much closer during those months, sharing secrets we haven't told anyone else. I told her about the crash and living in foster care and on the streets and she told me about her past as well. I screwed things up with us when I was dating another girl and accused Raven of lying about her past. I was so stupid to say that. Luckily Raven forgave me after I begged for her forgiveness. I don't know what I did for her to like me but I'm glad that she does. I don't think I deserve her because she is so great, but I'm going to do my best to not screw it up. We haven't told our friends that we're dating yet but I hope that it will change soon. I don't mind keeping us a secret because it's what she wants but it would be nice to not have to hide our relationship. I hope after this week here that I will be able to convince her. She's so smart and beautiful, and she's very compassionate and loyal to her friends, even if she doesn't always show it. She's my best friend and I'm so happy to be able to call her my girlfriend. I wish you were here to meet her. I know you would love her and she would love you guys too. I know you guys are looking down at us and I hope that I'm making you proud. I miss you so much." Silent tears run down his face. After a couple of minutes, he wipes away the tears and takes a deep breath to compose himself. He stands up and looks down at the graves. Raven joins him shortly after he stands up and touches his shoulder to get his attention. He turns his head to look at her.
"You okay?" Raven asks.
"I will be," Logan says. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her in for a hug. She returns the hug and he leans his head against the top of hers. "I wish you could've met them. They would've liked you."
"I wish I could've met them too," Raven replies. They stand in silence for a few minutes then Logan unwraps his arms from around Raven and holds her hand. Raven looks up at him.
"Let's go," he says. He turns to the graves. "Goodbye, Mom and Dad. I love you both." He then leads Raven out of the cemetery to their car. They get into the car and Logan starts it but doesn't start driving. He turns to Raven. "Would you mind if we just go to the hotel for the rest of the day? I know it's still pretty early but seeing my parents graves and talking to them was pretty emotionally draining for me."
"I don't mind," Raven says. "I honestly can't imagine what you are going through since I didn't have great relationships with my parents. If you want to just go to the hotel and relax, I'm fine with that. We have the rest of the week to do stuff."
"Thank you." Logan leans over to kiss Raven then starts driving to their hotel. Once they get there, they get checked in and go up to their room. Logan puts their luggage on the racks as Raven goes into the bathroom. When she comes out, she sees Logan sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the floor. She sits next to him.
"Are you okay?" Raven asks. Logan looks up at her.
"Yeah, I'm good," Logan says. "I didn't realize what it would be like to visit my parents' graves and talk to them. But I kinda feel like an unknown weight has been lifted. But I also feel tired, like the whole thing was exhausting for some reason."
"Why don't you lie down and take a nap then? You'll probably feel better later then."
"Probably. Will you lay with me? Or sit next to me?"
"Sure. I can read while you sleep."
"Thanks Rae." He gets up and goes into the bathroom to change from his jeans into athletic shorts. Raven grabs her book and sits on the bed, leaning against the headboard. Logan comes out of the bathroom and lies down next to Raven. He puts his head on her thigh and his arm across her legs. "Can you read out loud? I want to listen to your voice."
"Okay." Raven reads out loud so Logan can hear her voice. She runs one hand through his hair and he closes his eyes. After about 10 minutes, Logan falls asleep. Raven stops reading out loud but still runs her hand through his hair occasionally. Raven stops reading an hour later and looks down at Logan, just watching him sleep. She puts her book on the side of the bed and moves out from under Logan, putting a pillow under his head to replace her thigh. As she moves, Logan tightens his arm around her legs. Raven manages to grab his hand and move his arm so she can lie next to him. She then drapes his arm over her again and puts her own arm around him and curls into him. 30 minutes later, she feels Logan start to stir. He rolls onto his back, removing his arm from around her, and opens his eyes. Raven props herself up on her elbow and looks down at him.
"Hey," Logan says.
"Hey," Raven replies. "Feeling better?"
"Yeah I am. Did you sleep too?"
"No. I just decided to stop reading and lay with you. I've never done that before. It's relaxing."
"What time is it?" Raven looks at the clock on the nightstand.
"Almost 4."
"Do you want to go down to the pool? It's probably pretty empty right now. Or we could just sit in the hot tub?"
"What makes you think I brought my swimsuit?"
"If you didn't, I can buy you one. Or you can swim in shorts and a t-shirt."
"You don't need to buy me one. And I'd rather not swim in shorts and a t-shirt."
"Good thing you have yours in your suitcase then. I saw it yesterday."
"Guess you're in luck then. Otherwise you'd have to swim by yourself."
"I'm sure I'd be able to convince you to join me."
"How? By throwing me in the pool?"
"How do you always know my plans?"
"Because I know you." Raven kisses Logan then gets up off the bed. She grabs her bathing suit from her suitcase and goes into the bathroom to change. When she comes out of the bathroom, Logan goes in and changes into his swim trunks. Logan is still wearing his t-shirt and Raven has shorts and a t-shirt over her suit. They both slip on sandals and walk down to the indoor pool. They grab towels and go over to some chairs to put their clothes on. Raven goes to the shallow end to walk into the pool from the steps and Logan jumps into the deep end. When he surfaces, Raven has walked in waist-deep.
"Come on, Rae," Logan says. "Go under water already."
"I'll go at my own pace," Raven replies. Logan starts to swim over to her. "Don't you dare think about pulling me under." Logan stops where he is.
"That's no fun." He ducks under water and swims over to where Raven has walked father into the water, brushing against her legs. Raven eyes his movements until he surfaces. Logan notices her looking at him. "You thought I was going to pull you down, didn't you?"
"I wouldn't put it past you even after I told you not to." He stands in front of her and wraps his arms around her.
"Would I really do that?"
"Yes." Raven puts her hands against his chest to push him away.
"You're right. Hold your breath." Before Raven can say anything, Logan falls backward into the water and pulls her with him. Logan releases her when they are under water and swims away. When Raven comes up and brushes the water from her eyes, she sees Logan several feet away.
"Smart of you to swim away," Raven says.
"I'm not just a pretty face," Logan says. Raven splashes water at him then chases after him. They chase after each other, occasionally splashing one another. Logan eventually traps Raven against the side of the pool with his arms on either side of her. "Now how will you get away?" Raven ducks under the water and tries to swim under his arm but Logan manages to grab her around her waist before she gets away. He pulls her back up and traps her between his arms again. "Caught you."
"So what? You want a prize?"
"I wouldn't be objected to it. I think a kiss would be a good prize."
"Fine." Raven wraps her arms around his neck, moves closer and kisses his cheek. "There's your kiss. Now let me go."
"Let me be more specific. An actual kiss, not on the cheek. And you have to actually mean it."
"You know I don't like PDA."
"No one else is around." He moves closer to her. "What are you afraid of?"
"I'm not afraid."
"Then kiss me." Raven uses her arms around his neck to pull him down so she can kiss him. Logan moves one of his hands from the side of the pool to the back of her neck to deepen the kiss. He puts the other hand on her waist and pulls her against him. Raven threads one of her hands through his hair. Logan pushes her back against the side of the pool and presses his body against her. Raven feels something hard against her thigh and pulls back from the kiss. She stops Logan from kissing her again with a hand on his chest. They look at each other, breathing hard, then Logan moves back from Raven so he is no longer pressing her against the pool. When their breathing has calmed down, Raven moves toward the stairs.
"I'm going to sit in the hot tub for a bit," Raven says. "Do you want to join me?"
"In a minute," Logan says. "I'm going to swim for a little bit longer first." Raven gets out of the pool and Logan stares until she gets into the hot tub. He then swims a couple of laps in the pool to calm himself down. After his body has calmed down, he gets out of the pool and joins Raven in the hot tub. "Did you feel trapped when I pushed you against the side of the pool and pressed my body against yours when we were kissing?"
"A little bit."
"I'm sorry."
"I honestly was enjoying the kiss too much to pay much attention to feeling trapped. And I trust you to know how much you can push the boundaries."
"Are you okay with me pushing the boundaries?"
"I haven't stopped you yet, have I?" Logan shakes his head. "I think it's probably good that you're pushing the boundaries because if it were left to me, we'd probably just be sharing quick, chaste kisses. I think that I think I'm not ready to move to the next level but then you push me to that level and I am okay with it and don't feel pressured or trapped."
"I don't know if you'll be able to answer this or not, but how far can I push the boundaries?"
"I really don't know. Like I said, I think I'm not ready for something then it happens and I'm fine with it. I don't think I'll know until it does happen. I guess the best answer is to just do what you have been doing and I'll let you know if I'm not okay with it."
"Do you think you'll ever be the one to push the boundaries instead of me?"
"I'd like to say yes, but I don't know." Logan puts his arm around Raven's shoulders and pulls her into his side.
"Well I hope that someday you get comfortable enough with me to do anything with me."
"What do you mean by anything?"
"Exactly that: anything. Whether it's kissing me in front of others or doing something we haven't done yet. I don't want you to be afraid of doing those things with me."
"I am comfortable with you."
"I believe you are too. I just think it's a mental thing right now that's holding you back. But that's okay. You've had some pretty bad things happen to you from people who were close to you. I understand that it's hard to get past that."
"I think I will get past it someday."
"I know you will. I'll be with you when you do." He kisses her forehead and Raven leans her head against his shoulder. They sit in silence in the hot tub; Logan traces his fingers along Raven's shoulder and neck. After another 15 minutes, Logan kisses the top of Raven's head and she looks up at him.
"Do you want to get out and get something to eat?" Logan asks.
"Sure," Raven says. They get out and grab their towels to dry off. Logan puts on his t-shirt then slides on his sandals. Raven wraps her towel around her waist and puts on her t-shirt and slides on her sandals. She carries her shorts with her as she and Logan walk out of the pool room. They go up to their room.
"Do you want to go out somewhere or bring something back here?" Logan asks.
"I'd rather just stay here if you don't mind," Raven replies.
"That's fine with me. Why don't you order us some food and I'll go pick it up. I just want to take a shower first."
"What do you want to eat?"
"I don't care. Whatever you order will be fine. You can use my computer to look up places if you want." Logan grabs a change of clothes. "I won't be long." Logan goes into the bathroom and closes the door. Raven gets onto Logan's computer and looks up restaurants nearby. She is closing the laptop when Logan exits the bathroom 10 minutes later. "What did you decide on?" Logan asks.
"Olive Garden," Raven says.
"Sounds good. When will it be ready?"
"20 minutes. It should only take about 5-10 minutes to drive there."
"Okay. I'll leave in a little bit to go pick it up."
"I'm going to take a shower." Raven grabs a change of clothes then goes into the bathroom and closes the door. 5 minutes later, Logan leaves to pick up their food. 15 minutes after Logan leaves, Raven exits the bathroom with a towel wrapped around her hair. As she is drying her hair after removing the towel, Logan walks in with their food. He sets it on the desk and starts taking the food out of the bag. Raven walks over to him.
"Are we splitting the food or did you get one pasta for me and one for you?" Logan asks.
"Splitting it," Raven says. "I couldn't decide if I wanted lasagna or chicken Alfredo so I got both and figured we could share each. They should have given you paper plates and plastic silverware as well."
"They did," Logan says as he pulls out the plates and silverware.
"I'll go get us some drinks from the vending machine," Raven says. "What do you want?"
"Gatorade if they have it. Otherwise, pop is fine. You know what I like."
"Okay. I'll be back in a minute." Raven leaves the room to get them drinks. As she is gone, Logan opens up the containers of food and starts making plates for both of them. Raven walks back in a minute later with drinks for both of them. Raven sets Logan's drink on the desk and takes the plate he hands her. She sits in the arm chair and he sits in the desk chair. The TV is turned to NCIS on USA Network. They eat their food while watching the show. When they finish eating, they clean up then move to the bed to watch TV. As one episode ends, and another begins, Raven turns to Logan.
"Logan?" Raven says. He turns to her. "Can I give you a massage?"
Logan raises both eyebrows in surprise. "Um, sure. Why though?"
"I want to get more comfortable touching you and I figured this would be a good way to do that."
"Okay. Where do you want me?"
"You can lay on your stomach here. And can you take your shirt off?" Logan raises his eyebrows again but doesn't say anything. He takes off his shirt then lays on his stomach on the bed. Raven kneels beside him and puts her hands on his shoulders. She starts to lightly massage them.
"Don't be afraid to use more pressure," Logan says. Raven does as he says as she continues to massage his shoulders and neck. After a few minutes, she moves to his back. She massages his back for several minutes then moves back up to his shoulders and neck. After a couple more minutes, she stops.
"How was that?" Raven asks. Logan turns his head to look at her.
"It felt great," Logan says. "Very relaxing."
"Really? I've never given anyone a massage before."
"Giving massages isn't hard. You just have to rub muscles with a little bit of pressure and you did that." Logan sits up and goes to grab his shirt when Raven stops him.
"Can you actually leave your shirt off?"
"Why?"
"I just want to get more comfortable being around you without your shirt on."
"Again, why?"
"Do you remember when you first showed me the scars on your chest and back?"
"Yeah."
"And how I kinda freaked out when you took your shirt off and walked toward me?"
"Yeah. But you were also rap—assaulted that day so there was a good reason for freaking out."
"I know that. But I still want to get more comfortable being around you without you having a shirt on."
"Okay. If that's what you want." He leans back against the headboard and Raven moves to sit next to him, leaning her head against his shoulder. They watch TV like that for a while, eventually moving so they are laying down with their heads propped up by the pillows. After an episode ends, Logan turns the TV off and gets off the bed to turn off the overhead light so only the lamp on the night stand is on. He gets back on the bed and moves under the blankets next to Raven. Before he turns off the light, Raven speaks.
"Logan?" Raven says softly. He moves away from reaching over to turn off the lamp to look at her.
"What is it Rae?" Logan asks. Raven bites her lip and looks down.
"It's nothing. Forget it."
"Come on Rae." He tilts her chin up so she's looking at him. "What is it?"
"Um…I just, um, was going to ask you something, but, um, I'm embarrassed by it."
"You can ask me anything Rae. I won't laugh or make fun of you."
"I don't really think you would laugh about it."
"Then what is it Rae? You know you can trust me with anything."
"Do you want to have sex with me?" Raven blurts out. Logan looks at her wide-eyed and she blushes hard.
"What?" Logan says, still shocked.
"Never mind. Just forget I said anything." She tries to turn away from him but he won't let her.
"Raven, what brought that up? I wouldn't think that you'd be ready for anything like that."
"I'm not. But I felt you against me when we were in the pool earlier and I was just wondering if you wanted to have sex and I'm holding you back from it."
"You're not holding me back."
"But—"
"So you felt me get hard against you. That's what happens when I'm kissing someone as beautiful as you. I'm a teenage guy; it's a pretty normal reaction."
"So you don't want sex then?"
"I won't lie: I would love to have sex with you. I'm very much attracted to you in that way. But I know that you are not ready for it, and to tell you the truth, I don't know if I am either. We're both only 17, neither one of us has really had a serious relationship before, and neither one of us has had sex either. I think when the time comes, we'll know and we'll cross that bridge when it comes. Until then, I'm happy with our relationship and how we're progressing. I'm not going to force you into anything; you've had more than enough of that."
"Did you ever…react…like that with Terra?"
"No I didn't."
"Are you telling the truth or just what I'd want to hear?"
"I'm telling the truth. Sure, Terra was pretty but she's nothing like you. And looking back, I don't know why I ever dated her. She never truly liked me. Maybe when we first started dating but if she actually liked me, she wouldn't have cheated on me. But I don't care about her anymore. What she did to you was unforgiveable, and I'm sorry about it."
"You have nothing to be sorry for. You are the best friend I could ever ask for and a great boyfriend."
"You're a great girlfriend and my best friend too. I still can't believe you planned for this trip just so I could visit my parents' graves."
"You deserve it." Logan smiles and kisses her.
"Anything else you want to talk about or are you ready to sleep?"
"Let's go to sleep. We can talk anytime." Logan turns off the lamp and Raven lays her head on his shoulder after he settles back on the bed. "Good night Logan." Logan wraps his arm around Raven and holds her hand that is resting on his chest. He kisses the top of her head.
"Good night Rae." They both fall asleep quickly.