Disclaimer. The characters belong to Shonda Rhimes. The various references, quotations used in this document do not belong to me. This work is non-profit just for fun. Thank you for reading and giving your opinion
Chapter 9 Notebook
Arizona had been grappling for long, long minutes with her thinking. Callie's words were sweet and persuasive, but the irrepressible fear of losing her again, of suffering and above all, making Sofia suffer, paralyzed her. They were very pretty Callie's words, except that no one, no one, knew what she had to go through to survive their breakup, Callie herself could certainly not imagine it.
She opens a cardboard box, takes out a notebook. Without looking at it, she leaves her room to join her ex-wife's. She hands the notebook to the brunette woman lying in bed.
- I think, you'll understand by reading this, I wrote it a long time ago, so that is not necessarily what I think today. I never read it again and I never want to read it again and I never want to talk about it again. It's not for you to be sad, it's not for you to feel guilty, it's just to you understand that I will never be able to go back that way again. When you're done, can you please destroy it?
Arizona utters these words with determination, her face closed and grave, she leaves the room, leaving Callie stunned.
This one opens the little notebook on which she recognizes Arizona's applied writing, some pages are stained by what can only be tears. She takes a deep breath and prepares to face the past.
Callie today you left me, I don't understand, I didn't see it coming. You left me alone, distraught, in this office.
Today you got up, you left without looking back and you left me.
Your face flooded with tears you got up and you left me.
I missed breathing, I think my heart stopped for a few seconds, it must be that's heartbroken. I couldn't say a word, I just watched you walk away. Dr. Wyatt kept me for a long time, but I couldn't talk, so she advised me to write. So today you left me.
Day 2: Callie I'm angry, I'm hurt and I'm angry. You promised me, never to give up on me, always to love me, you let my heart break and you left. I know, I know, I promised too. I promised loyalty... I hate myself, I'm so angry.
Day 5: Love is like a rubber band, if one of two lets go the other hurts. You let go and I'm in pain. I didn't think it could hurt so much.
Day 10: I try, I really try, I drown in work, I avoid you, I concentrate all my energy trying to forget you. But it doesn't work, wanting to forget you is thinking about you, all the time.
Day15: Today Hermann told me that I let myself be softened with my poor little broken heart. I wanted to yell at her that the only person who could fix it was the one who broke it?
Day18: I learn to live without you, but I do not know how to live without our memories, I close my eyes, I seek in my memory, a smile on my lips, a tear in my eyes. The nights are so long.
Day20: I go to bed thinking of you, I dream of you, when I open my eyes, it is still you that I'm looking for. I know, I'm not perfect, but who is? I know I'm not the ideal wife, but does she exist? In any case, I love you.
Day25: You looked at me and your laughter froze, as if my even standing here, prevented you from laughing, having fun, from being good. Your eyes have always spoken to me but tonight they were mute. I certainly should have called Alex before, but I didn't know where to go, I don't have home anymore. My house was you. My friends were yours, my world was you, you and Sofia. I clung to you like a mold to its rock, this weight became too heavy for you. I'm sitting there on the floor with my back glued to that bed, which is neither mine nor ours, wondering what I'm doing with my life. Not much. I'm nostalgic, I live in our past. And by always reliving our past, I no longer have a present, much less a future.
Day 30: Just not enough! My God, those three words broke me.
"Do you miss me at all ?"
- Of course
- Just, not enough?
Your eyes answered me. There are days when I hate myself for loving you so much!
Month 2:
One night: Calliope, I want you to be with me, I want you to be in me. But you're not here. I'm going to satisfy that desire for you in my imagination.
Next day: I'm waiting. The days go by and look a bit alike. I miss you every second. I meet people every day, yet I feel so alone. "You miss only one being and everything is depopulated" We only really understand these things when we experience them on
A difficult day: Do you know how sad I am without you, how sick I am when I don't see you, how much I cry when we don't talk? Do you even see how much I suffer without you?
There's nothing worse than loving someone who makes you suffer. I don't know how you could forgot me, because as far as I'm concerned, you're still in the corner of my head.
Maybe I wasn't very important to you?
Another night: Every night alone in my bed, loneliness and despair invade me. I close my eyes and I feel you close to me, I huddle dearly tenderly in your arms, I wish this moment would last forever. Unfortunately my eyes open, reality catches up with me and I will ask myself the same questions again and again. Why did you let me think we were okay? Why did you make passionate love to me that night? Did you already know it was our last night? I will have no answer, tonight I will have nothing but sorrow.
3 Months 10 days - 6 hours and a few minutes
Do you remember the day I told you I love you for the first time? Or the first time I kissed you? The first time we had sex? These moments represent only a few minutes over a lifetime, but these minutes will remain as the most beautiful of my life. And even if all the time I spent by your side has not been so beautiful memories, seeing you gives me a smile
One morenight: That night I couldn't sleep. I wanted to feel your warm body against my skin. I wanted to feel your hands playing with my body. One more night without you. I miss you.
Month 4:
A Day: Another day, another week, another month and there might even be another year, another smile, another tear another winter, another summer, but there can't be another you. I feel like there can never be another you.
One More day: An old habit, are we no longer just an old habit? But you were worried about me. Old habit or not, it feels good and it hurts a little too. One of the most overwhelming feelings is not knowing whether to wait or give up. I can't, I don't want to do anything but wait for you and hope we find our way back.
Hope day: You were looking for me, you seemed really worried about me, and it was good, so good. You took my hand tenderly and stroked it long. You let me put my head on your shoulder and I could have stayed that way for the rest of my life. You took care of me as you always did, only you, know my fears and my weaknesses, only you, know how to appease me, I need you so much.
Otherday: You are here with me, helping me to overcome this new trial. Are you offering me your friendship?
Offering friendship to anyone who wants love is a bit like giving bread to someone who is dying of thirst. But if that's all you can give me then I'll die of thirst. I can't lose you completely.
Sorrowful day: You were the cause of my smile you became the cause of my tears. She had her lips on yours I think you were smiling in your kiss. Not being around you, makes me suffer, but seeing you with someone else makes me die.
One more day like the others: What I miss in my life is you... It's your smell, your words of love, your smile, your laughter, your way of making me laugh, your children's eyes, your loving eyes, the softness of your skin, the warmth of your body, the smell of your hair, combing them to soothe you, burying my head in your neck to soothe me, your body on my body, your lips against my lips. I miss your jealousy when I looked at another girl, even mine, when you did it. I miss hearing you say "I'm yours", but what I miss most is not hearing you say "I love you" to me anymore. What really kills me is imagining you telling someone else, when I can't project myself for a second into a life without you.
Month 5
On the day of another crash:
How? But how could you hide such a thing from me, let me blame you for so long? I'm so confused, you tried to protect me.
But what did I do to us? Did you love me so much? Did you sacrificed yourself so much? How you must have suffered my love!
How could I be so blind, deaf and ignorant? I hate myself. I don't know, I don't know anymore, I'm in so much pain
Another month without you. I don't want to count them anymore.
Worst of days: Tonight I'm sad, no I'm torn, overwhelmed. That's the last step. You decided to sell the house and I agreed, you decided to end our marriage and I agreed. Tonight we are no longer separated, but divorced. Tonight you're officially my ex-wife. I have to get used to this new situation. I've never been very good at grieving, Tim, Nick are dead, but you're alive, how am I supposed to bring myself to bury us? I hear," letting someone you care about go is a way of showing them that you care about him".So I have to watch you go, I wanted you to stay so much. Do you even know how much I love you?
Another day I write less, but I still think of you as much.
What I feared happened. You met someone, and of course you're madly in love. Apparently you have met love, the real, the only one that lasts forever. What were we then? Did I imagine our passion?
I have experienced all kinds of suffering, but to love without being loved, to cry without being comforted, to see you go without being able to hold you back, that is what I call suffering.
More day: Reacts Robbins spreads your wings Robbins. Tonight I went out, I tried to move on. She was pretty, but she wasn't you, she smelled good but I was looking for your smell. Tonight I find that sex without love is really not funny.
Blackday: I haven't written for months, but today was too much. What was that about New York ?
Callie you can't do that, you can't take our daughter away from me! You've already erased the woman, do you also want to erase the mother? Do you want to replace me with our daughter too? Do you really want me to disappear completely from your lives, breaking the only bond that still unites us? No one in my life has hurt me so much
Even worse day than the worst of the days of my life
I never thought I would live such a day of humiliation, you have allowed to say in this court, things that I never, ever would have let someone assume, of you. Why did you let that lawyer smear me like that? I don't recognize you, I don't recognize the woman I adored, I don't recognize us anymore. I'm ashamed of us. I don't think I can forget one day that you destroyed everything, ruined everything, you messed up my fondest memories and I hate you for it. I'm so mad at you.
Day I'll never forget, worse than the worst of the worst days of my life:
Having won resonates with me, as if we had both lost. You are sad and I have never been able to bear it. What's wrong with me? Is it possible to love someone as much as I love you? I am about to do the most terrible thing I have ever done. I have to let you go with our daughter, I have to let you be happy even if it's far from me, even if I have to be separated from the being I love the most in the world, because she's my daughter too.
I think this time we're really over, and that thought is destroying me a little more. I'm gonna shed a lot of tears, I miss her already, I miss you already but I have to. I must be the good man in this fucking storm that never ends.
Thank you for reading This chapter is a breath so sad but faced reality as hard as it, is sometimes necessary to...I hope you keep reading! Next update tomorrow or maybe tonight if I have time and also I have to try to answer your reviews thanks for that