Disclaimer: Must I? *sighs* I most certainly do not own the characters in this story, so suing isn't permitted. Hell, I couldn't even afford the rent if that were allowed.

A/N: Still from my AU-verse and even if you haven't read my stuff it shouldn't stop you from giving this a try. And although I did write this, the contents, phrases and opinions belong to the characters. *laughs* This 'colorful' second offering is all in Jane's POV and see that, you have been cautioned.

_Bring The Pain: Episode 2_

"What the fuck are we watching?" My volume might be a bit much but there are fake people on the flatscreen as usual and as usual they're doing some seriously ugly kissing and taking their clothes off. But before I can ask my question again Maura pinches me in the side, hard. "Ouch, Maur!"

"Shh!"

I roll my eyes, "Oh right, like missing out on all the dialogue in this scene will leave you lost."

Another damn pinch lands and this time it renders me silent. For now. I can hold my tongue when I want to or when I'm on the verge of looking like a bruised spouse. A sensual but not really, more like a sleaze-ball song plays on in the background of the scene on T.V. and I can't believe I've let her do this to me yet again. So far as I can remember I've done nothing to deserve this cruel and unusual punishment this time. I may have to watch a marathon of the 'Golden Girls' to cleanse myself. A good laugh can do that when Bea Arthur as Dorothy Zbornak is involved.

"I can't believe they show this shit on T.V." I protest loudly because my patience is quickly being stripped away and it not like I have a whole hell of a lot to begin with. "And I don't care if they do proudly show stuff like this on skin-o-max and HBO. Hell, Game of Thrones is the incest and rape capital of cable television."

I know that Maura agrees with me in regards to Game of Thrones which we tried but I didn't have the stomach for it. I hardly call violence against women entertainment. To me it seems like the show tries to be medievil and that type of violence is certainly period correct but Game of Thrones is pure fantasy. And I think that implying such acts would be enough but they show that shit for shock value alone since it has no real redeeming value.

"We don't subscribe to that first channel you mentioned to my knowledge and right now we are in fact watching Showtime."

"It's 'show-time' alright." I mutter as the actress on the show straddles the college kid's waist in her little skimpy piece of black lingerie. Then of course the woman pours wine down the okay-looking kid's pigeon chest and then starts licking it off. "Eww, that kid is...just. Ugh, vomit."

"It's completely simulated Jane so I don't see why it's worth all this fuss." Maura says with what I dare say is mock innocent amusement. "The actress in this scene has stated the she was merely trying to branch out, be more creative. And she also said that she had planned on doing nudity at some point in her career."

If this is what's called being creative then call me boring with a big scoop of plain Jane vanilla on the side and a cherry on top, but not really. I wonder how Maura would react if I just told her that if I'd wanted to watch nothing but mindless fucking I would rather watch porn.

"Simulated, huh?" I muse while tilting my head to the side to change my viewing angle. It doesn't help at all. "Yeah, I can see it now that's totally digital wine and a tongue too." Oh look she's kissing his helmet head; a little sucky-sucky action, since men have to have that or they'll curl up and die. "Hey, I wonder if she will have simulated dick breath when she's done not really licking his fuckstick?"

I'm unceremoniously elbowed in my side, "Jane!"

"What? I was just thinking out loud." I shrug and then cross my arms over my chest. "You know full well unless they wash down there with soap and water you're going to get a mouthful of piss flavored dick cheese." I shiver because I used to be married to a man and I was guilted into performing that act a few times. I hated it every single time. There's not enough toothpaste in the world to wash out that taste. "And let me tell you, I for one wouldn't want to be immortalized on a cable show on my hands and knees getting filled out like an application cause I can tell that's where things are headed in a minute." I slouch down further on the sofa and prop my feet up on the coffee table. "And I really don't care if it's a 'character' she's playing because that's still her face and junk up there on screen and...oh look, how flattering. Damn, I wish I were her."

Maura snickers under her breath and for fucks sake why are we watching some show about make believe trashy people? I know teachers fuck their students when they can get away with it and it's not like this is ground-breaking installment of 'awl shit really?' news.

"I mean what value does this really have?" I grimace at the sight of the woman on the screen who is well on her way to being plowed into submission. "At least porn has enough integrity, if you could call it that, to be real about it and say this is only about...sex."

It took lots of restraint to not say 'only about fucking'. And ewww! The loose teacher chick's husband looks like a total creeper and now she's getting fucked from behind and what a view, not really. I don't ever want to see myself getting down and dirty for this very reason because you look ridiculous, especially your face and that's a fact. There are no flattering angles and porn pretty much focuses on the mouth when head is involved otherwise it's all about watching a man getting his dick wet. Making the pussy cream.

"You know I couldn't show my face in public again after showing the public that much of everything else." I offer with a chuckle. And it's true if I were an actress or an actor I couldn't go out in public after making a fool of myself like this in the name of rating cause it sure as shit ain't art. I've seen modern art and it looked a lot like hanging water bottles. "But I bet if that chick on T.V. became a shut-in; you know never set foot out of the house, she would have some kid bring her groceries to her backdoor."

Oh man I'm going straight to Hell. I can't keep from laughing at my own joke so I end up covering my mouth to see if my hand can hold it all in. I wonder if Maura has picked up on my dirty innuendos. I give it another three seconds to see if we have lift-off or not.

"Jane, I've known you long enough to understand what you none too subtly hinted at." Maura chides in that playful determined tone she whips out from time to time. I look over at her and I see the faint smile curving up one side of her mouth. "And it would seem that the character is meant to be seen exactly as you described; having loose and somewhat deviant sexual morals."

My urge to laugh fades and I scoff, "Not to mention shit taste in men and boys too while we're on the subject."

"They are both consenting adults Jane even in this fabricated world we are watching." Maura laughs and then I feel her press in closer to me on the sofa. It's not like we were miles apart to start with. "What exactly is bothering you about this show besides the things you've already stated? It's a very popular show and is highly rated."

So many ways to answer that question but it would take more energy than its worth. Keeping it simple is more energy efficient is the way to go at this. I've never been much of a follower in terms of what the masses flock to. It's just a safer version of the if everyone were jumping off a bridge scenario and I'm like: 'Hell no, but you go do you and I'll do me.'

"It's just not my idea of entertainment." I shift in my seat as Maura presses in closer to me. The side of her boob is resting right against my bicep. "I like funny stuff, action and well you know I watch baseball from time to time."

Maura places her hand on my thigh, "I'm well aware of your unflinching loyalty to America's past-time. And how you seem to be rather vocal about everything we watch on television."

Based on those little moves I'm willing to bet Maura thinks I've gotten all juiced up because of the shit show but she's got the wrong girl. I don't acknowledge where her hand or boob is. Instead I notice the show's credits rolling and with it comes peace of mind knowing that I survived. I lean my head back against the sofa until my pony-tail band starts digging into my scalp. I really don't care which character is fucking who and how often. That's not a plot.

Maura's hand flexes on my thigh and then moves a touch higher, "Do you think that actress bears any resemblance to me?"

"You mean the slutty teacher chick?"

"If that is how you're going to label her, then yes that's who I mean, Jane."

"Label?"

"Yes, because you're apparent dislike for the character and how you identify her is quite negative."

I raise my head up off the back of the sofa, "Oh don't sit there and try to tell me that watching her is...empowering or some such shit." I shake my head and grimace because no just a big fat fucking no. "And to answer your question she looks nothing like you, Maura."

Which is true in my opinion, I mean yeah they have similar bone structure or whatever but Maura looks a hell of a lot younger than the actress who apparently wanted to do...that.

"Are you saying that because you don't want to imagine me in a comparable scenario, Jane?"

I close my eyes and let loose a low growl while I let my head fall back against the sofa. I'm about to be pulled silently kicking and screaming into a highly DN-Rated conversation. DN meaning 'dirty-nerd'.

"Where did you get an idea like that?" I prompt while resting my eyes for a moment before tipping my head to the side to look at Maura. And from the looks of her I know what's coming and I can't say I'm ever ready but it stopped being surprising a long time ago.

"Human female sexuality not so long ago was classified as being subordinate to male sexuality thus..." Maura starts in and her nerd speak has officially locked onto target. Me.

Oh God, I can already tell this conversation is about to get weirder than that time we were watching the show 'Vikings' and Maura started talking about some great warrior who was a boneless dwarf. I swear I ended up in a history lesson which isn't the worst thing. I'm pretty sure I could've aced the pop quiz if there was one.

"And in regards to the television show we just watched Jane, those simulated sexual acts boiled down to two things for me-a cuckold, which is derived from the cuckoo bird since it alludes to the habit of the female changing its mate often." Maura's gone off in her soothing doctor voice as I like to call it. "While the term 'cuckold' itself is applied to the fetish; it means that his or her partner enjoys observing his wife's infidelity in the case of the professor's husband."

I start to speak but I'm more unwilling at this point than lost. First it's about a bird and then it's about over-sexed perverts but then it dawns on me that she's so not done yet.

"Furthermore, the psychology in regards to a cuckold fetish is widely seen as another form of masochism." Her earnest small smile suddenly reminds me of a guidance counselor even when she starts squeezing my thigh again. "The pleasure from the cuckold is from being humiliated; most open marriages function if you will in that way. Also, I would say the character on that show is a cougar since she seeks sexual relations with considerably younger men. And I wouldn't hesitate to classify her behavior as over activity of the dopaminergic mesolimbic pathways in the brain; it accounts for all forms of addiction, and has been shown to manifest in some people in the form of overindulgent, hypersexual behavior."

I close my eyes for a second and exhale, "Is that all?"

Maura purses her lips, "The young man she was having intercourse with suffers from the 'Madonna-whore' complex." She pats my thigh while I'm cringing from the word 'intercourse.'

"I know I'm going to regret this but, care to elaborate on the Material Girl thing?"

Maura chuckles, "Sigmund Freud theorized that the 'Madonna-whore' complex is said to occur when a male desires sexual encounters only with women to whom he sees as degraded, since he cannot sexually desire a respectable woman."

A moment of silence is required before I proceed. Shit! I should've tapped out ages ago before Queen Googlemouth fully addressed her favorite subject.

"So let's see if I got all my ducks in a row; we watched a cuckoo bird inspired cuckoldry with a cougar and the reason the little shit's prick can only get excited around sluts is because he's a big ole' boy slut?"

Maura shakes her head and presses her lips together in a line, "Jane there is a term called 'slut-shaming' and you are skirting dangerously close to it."

"Oh please, it's fictional sluts we're talking about."

My asscheeks are clenching the edge of the sofa even in my slouched state. And I swear Maura is all jolly-holiday next to me knowing that she's got me worked up enough to talk about what we just watched, plus as a bonus she got to play Dr. 'Let's Talk About Sex' Isles.

"Jane, you of course know that had more than a few sexual partners before I met you." Maura grins with not a hint of shame. "So by those facts alone would you have regarded me as a slut in the past?"

It's past time to put this conversation to bed and tuck it in with a goofy lullaby because I have no judgments against her past choices. I've made more than my fair share of fuck-ups. But at least I've never cheated or any of those other things that a civilized person shouldn't be doing especially when you know better. And people like that are only ever sorry when they get caught.

"Of course not, but not to brag, I'll have you know I was a blushing virgin on our wedding night." I shoot Maura a healthy smirk because that's the biggest lie ever. Maura chuckles and moves her hand off my thigh. "I saved myself for you and I was ashamed to admit it until now."

Maura laughs and its one of those loud laughs of her's that makes me smile like an idiot. My first marriage was a joke for many reasons and laughing about it with her is healthy in my non-doctory opinion. Saying yes to Casey all those years ago instead of listening to my instincts to 'Run Jane, Run!' is a bigger mistake than Maura's slightly higher body count could ever be to me.

"You're so sweet and thank you for indulging me tonight, Jane."

"Any time."

You know I just realized that censorship has its merits because those last two words of mine caused a gleam in Maura's eyes and I don't mean the 'we're having nekkid time next' look.

"So thoughtful too." Maura does her coy smile at me and I'm so whipped. "And since you said 'any time' how about we decide tomorrow night's T.V. options? We still have a few more episodes to finish off the season of the show we were watching and discussing."

Fuck. I feel like I should hold my ground and put up a fight but that shit just doesn't work in our relationship; Maura wears the proverbial pants, not me. Bargaining is the only real tool I have, that and compromise-compromise, but I'll only resort to that if I have to.

"Can we watch 'Sex Sent Me To The E.R.' again instead? Anything but that 'Shameless' show. I can't take it because there is no way to get a refund on the time in my life that was wasted." I give Maura my best hopeful smile because I'm bluffing my ass off about wanting to watch the sexual morons show. "Or if you wanna lay off the sex stuff, how do you feel about 'Doctor Who' or reruns of 'Doctor Quinn: Medicine Woman'?"

Playing the doctor card might work even though I'm talking about unrealistic time traveling doctors and fictional Old West ones. The law card isn't worth whipping out because I can't watch another minute of 'Law & Order', 'Criminal Minds' and everything else in that same damn vein. Marathoning 'Justified' is very tempting though.

"Jane?"

I swear knowing tone in her voice is maddening; the woman knows me too well. I pull my feet up off the coffee table, sit up straighter and turn to look my companion in the eyes. Maura's hazel eyes are narrowed and it's obvious after about five seconds of lingering silence she's not buying what I'm trying to sell.

"Alright fine." I throw my hands up in defeat. "How about 'Downton Abbey' and I swear I won't make kissing noises while doing my smarmy British rogue accent or fall asleep halfway through it."

Damn it! I have so much fun entertaining myself by making fun of that show it wears me out. What keeps me awake sometimes is how Professor McGonagall is a spry Countess on that show.

"I accept the last offer of your plea bargain." Maura smirks playfully and I'm so going to kiss that off her face, right now.

_END_

Soundtrack: "Easy" by Faith No More

A/N 2:The running joke in all of my Rizzles stories is Maura's use of the word 'intercourse' and Jane's reaction; it just cracks me up in the worst way. So I hope this made you laugh because I sure as hell did.