Disclaimer: I do not own the characters I'm using. This is for fun just like seeing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

A/N: Jane finally gets her 'revenge' on Maura for her T.V. viewing standards or does she? Btw, the Jane POV is on tap for ultimate laughs and potentially offensive commentary.

_Bring The Pain: Episode 3_

For a second or two I wonder if Maura recognized the famous 'Jaws' theme music before the plane's tail skimmed through those straight up fake cotton ball-looking clouds. This movie has no shame and its not afraid to be campy. With the opening titles one and done at least Maura knows the name of the movie since I withheld that while I was wrangling her into watching this with me. I settle in and try to get as comfortable I can; meaning beer in hand but not Al Bundy style with a hand shoved down the front of my pants. Maura on the other hand hasn't thrown perfect posture viewing out the window yet since it usually takes a while before she lets herself go.

'Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.'

I chuckle at the movie and at the sight of Maura's slightly contorted face. I convinced her to watch this movie with me after dinner instead of her unloading some of her DVR'd shows on me like she has lately. I smirk and take a quick swig of my beer before putting it down on a coaster on the table. Honestly, I wasn't brought up in barn and I do actually have manners that aren't solely activated by someone giving me shit about what they precieve as my lack of.

"Why are they making sexual innuendos about unloading in zones?" Maura muses in a tone that illustrates her confusion. "And what's funny about suggesting an abortion?"

I snigger and just leave Maur's questions unanswered because the movie is just getting started. Oh man, that sad sack of a taxi driver and his little stewardess romance makes me laugh to an extent but eventually I end up just wanting to vomit with how they carry on at times. But then for the majority this whole damn movie causes laughter for the most part and never mind it was made before there was such a thing as 'politically correct'. The camera pans over the magazine rack in the airport and God, I love the titles of the magazines that the airport carries in this movie. 'Dominant Females' and 'Box' cracks me up every time.

"Jane, what's 'whacking material'?"

"Really?" I turn my head to look at Maura before I laugh so hard I fuckin' snort. I swear Maura has her own brand of charmingly clueless on lock down. "Okay, um...they're magazines that guys usually buy to masturbate to which I believe is the clinical term." Maura smiles just enough that the one dimple in her cheek pops for a couple of seconds. "There are several slang terms and 'whacking off' is just one of them."

Maura just smirks and turns her full attention back to the screen. I wonder if I should tell her some of the female versions like 'rub one out' or my person favorite 'jilling off'. I would talk to Maura more about masturbating but a part of me thinks she might go all doctor on me and suggest I suffered from chronic masturbation in the past. Which might not be untrue. Single ladies who don't want to catch a case have needs too even though I haven't been one of those in a while.

"Jane, they literally have mayonnaise and a beating heart at their Mayo clinic."

I can't help but smile at Maura's now incredulous tone. I figured the literal humor in this movie would either make Maura laugh or just force her to add her own brand of literal that would make me laugh even harder. I slap my leg and snort-laugh again at the 'give me ham and hold the mayo' line in the movie. Back at the airport one of the many running gags in the movie makes it's first appearance.

"A smoking boarding pass?" Maura blurts and just the sound of her voice all jumped up with how ridiculous this movie is making me all shiny happy people. "I don't understand how this is funny? Smoking in an oxygen rich environment like an airplane just isn't feasible no matter what decade it is."

Fuck me, I'm going to have a heart attack from laughter! My side is starting to hurt. I love fucking with Maura and truthfully her being so literal is what's so funny about her. I lean back in the sofa enough so I can pull my shirt out of its nice and proper tucked in look. I was too damn tired to change out of my work clothes when I got home. I figured I would make getting undressed a one-time deal today.

"This movie is tragically dated and the fashion in it is horrible." Maura's tone has shifted to what I call the bored tone she gets sometimes. Or maybe exasperated is more accurate? Maura sighs then pivots slightly in her seat. "Why are they putting subtitles opposite to what those African American men are saying?"

It's a good thing I put my beer down on the coffee table or I would be doing spit-takes all night. Maura so wouldn't like that crap all over her hundred percent organic or some such shit expensive ass coffee table. It's probably not called a coffee table though. I know I use it as footrest most of the time.

I shrug, "This was the best that 1980 had to offer Maur and I'll have you know that it was voted one of the ten funniest movies ever made." I'm trying not to laugh through my explanation too much. I feel like I'm still trying to sell her on it even though it's not like she's threatening to get up and walk out on the silliness. "And the movie will tell you about the subtitles in time."

I love how that boarding pass is still smoking but then they go and ruin it with that lame shit, lovey-dovey music. It's no wonder why everyone Striker sits beside wants to off themselves. Another more morbid running joke that the movie has. Of course the scene with the girl on the stretcher is coming up which I'm sure will ruffle Maura a little bit.

"Jane, that's not the way high risk medical patients are transported!"

Score! I laugh to myself. When you know you just know and I know Maura. And shit, it's just eleven minutes into the movie and I don't know if I can go another eighty-minutes with Dr. Isles as my co-pilot and I mean that in the nicest way. Maura cracks me up the most when she's not even trying to. But I can manage because the entrance of Dr. Rumack, who walks around with his stethoscope in his ears and a speculum in hand, makes the whole movie what it is. I can't wait to hear Maura's impression of how he honors his 'to do no harm' oath on this flight.

"I always thought that part was so gay." I can't help but comment after the vomit inducing bullshit 1940's train station cheese dick goodbye couple exchange hugs at the bottom of the stairs to the plane. "And before you say anything I mean gay as in stupid; not in a homosexual derogatory related way."

Maura turns and eyes me thoughtfully but then shrugs. I keep up with the hip and not so hip terms. I've gotta keep myself entertained some way. That and I know I'm old but I'm not a fuckin' dinosaur. Not yet any way.

"The pilots all have names that are or sound like signs-offs." Maura chuckles with more than a hint of humor in her voice. "I find that somewhat clever but also sophomoric."

I chuckle while reaching for my beer. I take a swig and yes its piss warm and all that's left is foamy dregs so I put it back on the coaster. I may have to start drinking something else eventually. I really don't see myself looking so fucking hot with a beer gut parked on my skinny ass frame. It can happen. I'd look preggers all the damn time. The movie has now moved onto panning around at some of the passengers on this doomed flight.

"Oh Jane, that nun reading a 'Boy's Life' reminds me of the time when we ran into one of your former Catholic school teachers at a bar. Do you remember what we caught her reading?"

I smirk because it didn't shock me that Sister Winifred was hiding some inner freakness under her angry half habit, "I wasn't at all surprised it was a 'mommy porn' romance novel." I laugh but then shiver at the thought of seeing exactly what was under the fraud dust jacket Sister Winnie was hiding her guilty pleasure under. "She probably loves reading shit like: "And then Reginald put his gargantuan throbbing manhood into Shelia's needy and quivering love pudding'."

Maura laughs but then I feel a sharp pinch on my bicep. I turn sideways a little and then lightly slap her hand away, "Stop it, before you miss out on the old lady talking about hot young women."

"What?"

"Ah, and here we are at my least favorite part of the movie. How the two lovebirds met." I frown at the shitshow and slouch back down in the sofa. I hate being out of my comfort zone and watching all that over the top romantic pabble just turns my stomach. "I mean look at it. It's by far the gayest shit to ever gay. Like that rainbow poop emoji."

I can see Maura's frown in my peripheral vision and wait for it another damn pinch lands on me. In the same damn spot on my arm and turn and playfully glare at her. I think Maura gets off on doing that to me and why not since she gets off a lot in my hands.

I rub the spot she pinched on my arm just for effect, "I swear one of these days I'm going to report you for spousal abuse."

Maura purses her lips for a few seconds but then she redirects her attention back to the movie playing out on the screen. Maura's wearing a deep blue silk button up tonight and damn it if I've ever seen her wear a color that doesn't flatter her. And I swear we're siting so close together we probably look like conjoined twins to a window peeper. There is not such thing as too close though where Maura is concerned for me though.

Maura shakes her head but there's a small smile on her face, "Those two children are the most mature individuals on that airplane."

"That's the point." I smirk because the best part is coming and she's right about those kids but in a completely different way. Then the payoff arrives and the sight of Maura when the little girl says that she likes her coffee 'black like her man' I can barely stand it. Maura's mouth is hanging open.

I nudge Maura with my elbow, "Oh come on, I know you liked that one."

Maura rolls her eyes at me and then crosses her legs. I think one of the reasons she wears those pencil skirts is to torture me. The leather one nearly makes me have a heart attack when I watch her walk away. I inhale sharply at that mental picture and try to focus back on the movie. The stewardess is having her 'From Here to Eternity' flashback sequence now. And no matter how many times I've watched this movie it's always been my dearest wish that the surf would drown those two love sickening bitches but that never happens.

"Normally, I fast forward through this part." I point out with a grimace as the stewardess and her wartime pilot are covered in seaweed, which is funny, as they gaze longingly at each other which is not. Vomit! "Since it never fails to make me throw up in my mouth a little."

Maura glances at me and chuckles before settling back into watching the movie. The movie plays on and I get drawn into it to a point that had Maura's warmth not been plastered beside me I might have forgotten she was even there. But I don't expect her ceasefire on the commentary to last with the next scene coming up.

"The man playing the co-pilot just broke character, Jane!"

A little laugh slips past my lips, "That's the point."

Another few minutes go by and like clockwork...

"Why is the pilot being lewd to that little boy?"

"That's the point." I parrot back again since that's my default answer. I will not make this easy for her, the jokes don't play nearly that hard to get but this is Maura so. "It's called a 'cock-pit' and that's an easy joke for anybody with only half a dirty mind to get."

Maura elbows my in the side lightly as she chuckles but then uncrosses her legs and reaches down to remove the 'fuck-me-skyscrapers' footwear she wore today. To keep from paying too much attention to Maura I actually make myself watch the stupid little scene on the screen. I want to strangle that wet drip of a stewardess every single time she opens her mouth, except for the part coming up when she calmly talks about sitting on her favorite wartime pilot's face. If that's what it takes to get Striker to shut the fuck up then so be it. At least the stewardess, flight attendant or whatever hopefully gets something out of it. Truth be told though I bet like all men Striker is only interested in going down for a minute or two before he's ready to push it in again or get his dick sucked again for a good ten minutes or more.

"I can't believe she just said that, Jane!"

"Yeah, girlfriend likes sitting on her man friend's face. So what?"

Maura turns to look at me again, "How is this different from more obvious sexual situations that we've watched?"

"Because this makes fun of it, Maur."

Maura asking questions for a change instead of Googling the hell out of everything is exactly one of the many reactions I was hoping for to go along with my viewing pleasure. But there's still another half hour or so left of the movie and I don't want to explain all the jokes. That just takes the fun out of it for me. And thankfully, I can always count on the movie to keep it funny. I throw my head back and laugh at the stewardess and her idea of a cute little apartment with mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom. No surprise there that Miss Mousey Voice is a sexaholic. I chuckle and so does Maura. We both have dirty minds but I would wager my prized Ted Williams signed baseball against anybody that Maura's is filthier. I mean that in a nice way too since I'm the only benefactor of Maura's affections. The movie has shifted to the scene where one of the hotter flight attendants is an aspiring singer in times of distress.

"That flight attendant has a lovely voice." Maura's voice is warm and I glance over at her to see that she's doing her appreciative head tilt thing. It reminds me of that dog they use in that record company logo or whatever. "Also she doesn't look quite so dated as everyone else in the film. Her hair style alone is one that is rather fashionable now."

I have to say that the blonde flight attendant is way better looking than Striker's old lady. But I'll keep that tid bit to myself. I know that I might still have a tiny thing for blondes. My ex old ball and chain was a blonde and look where that got me.

"Thank you fashion police." I blurt while unbuttoning the third button on my shirt. I plan on getting really comfortable and providing a certain someone with temptation. Maura's easy like that. "And clearly this movie also feels the urge to make fun of musicals."

Maura chuckles and then finally the main reason I've watched this movie several times arrives. I love Leslie Nielsen. That scene in 'The Naked Gun' where he's charged with 'assault with a concrete dildo' nearly kills me every single time. But right now it's his character of Dr. Rumack's and his diagnosis is the reason Maura is now covering her mouth and shaking her head while the pilot farts until he passes out. But then I really lose control and laugh like an ass when the breasts jiggling like twin jello towers fills up our fifty-two inch screen. Maura seems gobsmacked or rather she's trying to decide if the breasts are nature's own or made in China or wherever they make silicone tits. I don't know these things but I'm willing to bet Maura sure as hell does.

The real money shot coming up though is when my favorite stewardess blows the autopilot. And Maura's audible gasp at the smiling, bobbing autopilot's head is priceless. I have to cover my mouth to hold in my laugh and Maura's so distracted by the movie the questions and or observations have stopped again. And while the stewardess and 'Otto' are having a smoke after some good and life-saving oral sex, I reach down and pull my boots off so I can prop my feet up on the coffee table. Putting my footwear on the table is a big no go. I can respect that and I know better but sometimes it's like autopilot; putting my feet up on the coffee table that is pulled too close to the sofa. I've tried moving it forward but Maura puts it right back. I've learned there's just some battles you can't win.

"And don't call me Shirley!" I mimic after Leslie's character while I slouch back on the sofa and prop my feet up. That line is iconic. "I love that shit!"

Maura laughs at the literal doctor too. And after a few more minutes the scene where the subtitles are explained is here. This should be good because of who I'm watching this with.

"There is no language I'm aware of that's called 'jive'?" Maura muses and I snigger until my chest starts to hurt a bit. "Although, I get the joke that a white woman would know the non-existent language since one of the many consistent jokes in this movie is a Caucasian woman's desire for an African American male. I wasn't aware that BBC jokes were popular in the early 80's."

Maura knows about big black cock? I laugh-snort. Damn, I have tears in my eyes! I can't breathe! That was so worth the wait. Sometimes a good movie gets better when you find someone to make it even more fun. The movie is almost over and of course Striker had to be pep talked into nutting up. I bump Maura's shoulder again when she laughs at Striker grabbing the blow-up doll to yank it out of his pilot's seat, after he put it there himself to fly the plane. The fact that the doll was the only thing keeping the whole damn plane in the air is some funny shit.

"Jane, it's rather funny how the inflatable doll can operate the plane so smoothly."

"I know."

Maura chuckles, "Oh, Striker just misspoke a common colloquialism like I do sometimes!"

See I knew Maura would like this movie once she got used to the humor. She adapted to my humor after all. But I'm kinda disappointed that she hasn't launched into a nerd powered, fact-finding dissertation on the sheer ridiculousness of the plot yet. Maybe that comes after? We'll see. Now it's time for another visit to the tower that is anything but in control. I'm kinda disappointed that Maura hasn't commented on McCroskey so far or back when the literal shot of the actual shit hitting the fan occurred.

"Are we to assume that the man in the control room who just fled with the others to the tower while shouting: 'Rapunzel' is gay?"

"Yeah." I can safely say that though this movie is the epitome of politically incorrect I've never saw anything about it that even skirts homophobic. "And they meant it in the homosexual kind of way. Not the slang term I told you about which means 'stupid'. And if that wasn't enough your final confirmation about Johnny just happened since he insulted that chick's ensemble."

Maura nods her head and laughs. I can tell that she's on the same page as Johnny in regards to that woman's dress. Maura would tell that woman her ensemble looks like something she dug out of the trash at the Goodwill too. Maybe not with those exact words though. The movie rolls on and there's so many top notch one-liners. But my favorite Johnny contribution near the end is: 'Auntie Em! It's a twister, it's a twister!'. That shit gets me every time during the fucked up landing bit. The only difference this time around is I'm laughing so hard that this is the first time I've ended up laying across someone's lap. In fact I'm still laughing when the sphincter clenching end title music comes up to signal that the fun has reached it's climax, rolled over and started to snore.

"So what's the verdict?" I shift to lay more on my back across Maura's very nice lap. Maura looks down at me and those eyes zero in on the undone third button before tracking up to my face. I bat my eyelashes at her. "Do you feel as though you were robbed of the last eighty-five minutes of your life? Too many dirty jokes or was the nudity too much for you? What about McCroskey's inability to quit any of his many addictions: smoking, drinking, recreational drugs and glue sniffing?"

Maura smiles down at me, "For a disaster spoof comedy I found it highly enjoyable." She looks away briefly to turn the flat screen off with a flick of the remote which she always hide-hogs. "Why haven't you suggested that we watch it before? But having said that I still can't understand why Striker keeps having fantasies about World War II when the film takes place and is clearly set in 1980?"

I laugh and attempt to haul my carcass off Maura's lap but she gently pushes me back down with a hand to my shoulder. She smirks and then I feel her hands in my hair. Every time I leave my hair down Maura ends up playing with it. I don't mind of course but it puts me to sleep on average about roughly ninety-percent of the time and while I'm tired I'm not exactly sleepy.

"I don't know why Striker does that." I smile up at Maura who starts working her magic fingers against my scalp. "But my best assumption is it's a part of the satire because the movie doesn't take itself seriously and...Oh my God, I just sounded like you!"

Sounding scandalized with a touch of annoyed was done on purpose and the result that followed was what I wanted; a musical laugh but unfortunately followed up by a way too short kiss. Maura pulls away from me and her hair is like a curtain hiding us both from prying eyes. This has been such a fun night and I think my revenge was pretty damn tasty. If I wanted to be a bitch about getting payback I would've had to find some sex robot movie deal where they went around saying: 'Protocol demands we copulate!' or some such shit. I chuckle lowly at my own thoughts for a second while I gaze into Maura's eyes like the 'Sally McSappy' she's made me into.

"Did you know that today is inappropriate Wednesday?" I bat my eyes at her again. But before Maura can ask me to clarify what I mean I throw in smug smirk along with an arched eyebrow all smarmy style. "It's hump day."

_END_

Soundtrack: "Italian Leather Sofa" by Cake

A/N 2:I hope everyone feels the need to rewatch the very anti-P.C. 'Airplane!' now. Only without the Jane-Lo commentary I supplied of course. I have one more one-shot up my sleeve to go for this so stay tuned for that.