Disclaimer: Well, smack my ass and call me a bitch! I still don't own the characters!

A/N: It's been four years since I contributed to this collection and it's been two years since I wrote any kind of J+M sittin in a tree and all that mushy stuff. This idea just popped in my head, I laughed, so here we are. I was going to launch a whole new story but then I thought: 'Nah, I'll just fit it right in 'Bring The Pain'. Btw, I stopped writing in the first person years ago. Therefore this will really stick out further than a hitchhiker's thumb since all the other episodes are in first person. Regardless of my writing style though we'll be switching back and forth between M & J but this is mostly written with Jane at the wheel since she's my preferred vehicle for delivering sarcasm.

_Bring The Pain: Episode 5_

Let the recaps begin. All the highlights of the previous season; no matter how scarce such things can be if the writing and acting were in short supply. Though that's not the case with this show. But all in all the concept of recaps are pretty much useless though when you're binge-watching. Television programming is heading back to the old once a week episodes though since NetFlix made bingeing possible with their all at once dumps. The show's opening ploy plays itself out and then the color-coded name card rears its head. This time the drop of blood is trickling down the 'V' in the shows title.

"Drums and a harpsichord?' Jane makes a face that suggests a foul scent has offended her and is lingering for added effect. "Really?"

Maura turns to look at her companion sitting beside her on the sofa, "What's wrong with original music instead of choosing something from the popular music catalog?"

Jane shrugs up one shoulder, "Nothing's wrong with original but I officially think that the title and end credits music sucks. They should fix that before season three."

Jane agreed to keep watching this show because the premise sounded cool when Maura sold it to her last year when the rage for it was setting in. The show as far as Jane can tell is about two chicks who become obsessed with each other. Not a bad premise. One's a suburban MI-5 cubicle minion promoted to an obsessive and manic MI-6 minion in season two while the other is a sarcastic assassin that looks and dresses like a model in her spare time.

Jane sighs and crosses her sock-covered feet together at the ankles and then deposits them on the coffee table, "That show 'Stranger Things' has by far the coolest intro music as far as shows made nowadays goes." Jane lightly nudges Maura in the side and grins. "And that new 'NOS4A2' show that you wouldn't watch with me has a kind of fucked up creepy music box vibe intro. Oh, and it was a cool show by the way."

Maura rolls her eyes half-heartedly, "While I adore Zachary Quinto I have a very limited need to watch horror shows, Jane."

Jane puffs out her cheeks with a nosy exhalation, "I know that but you can't tell me that you didn't enjoy my pick of watching 'True Detective' starring Woody and Matthew the weekend before last?" Jane glances at the television screen briefly. "That show had some pretty sick shit too along with a fantastical element to boot like 'NOS4A2'."

Jane is always on the lookout for a plausible crime show. Most of them are silly and of course they solve the murder or case in under an hour and that's just not how it works out in the real world. On the show 'True Detective' it took Woody and Matthew several months to catch the perverts they caught. But they really didn't catch the real killer until seventeen years later long after they'd both washed out of law enforcement. Talk about realism.

Maura leans against Jane's side, "It was a rather entertaining show and thought-provoking."

Maura did enjoy watching the interactions between Marty and Rustin. They clashed on many levels and yet they were compatible enough to be highly functional within their professional environment. Rustin Cohle the cynic was Maura's favorite character in the show. His nickname 'The Taxman' was much more favorable than any nickname Maura was given by another. He also was a drug addict due to his long undercover stints and if that weren't enough he suffered from untreated PTSD too. But the ideal of synesthesia was the truly intriguing addition to his character for Maura.

Jane wiggles down further in her seat, "I mean as much as I liked the show I knew some key things were going to happen, before they did, once all the characters were introduced."

Maura turns to look at Jane more fully, "Such as?"

Jane shrugs, "Well for starters, I knew old Rust would end up fucking Marty's wife before the show was over." Jane uncrosses her arms and then gestures with both hands to mimic what Maura assumes is meant to symbolize intercourse. "Marty's wife, Maggie was driving herself crazy thanks to her cheating heart husband and his need to fuck young girls in the ass cause he likes em' wild or as I like to call it with seriously low self-esteem." A little laugh slips past Maura's lips and Jane smirks. "And then there was poor Rust who was an easy and convenient target for Maggie. Which is why Maggie bent over and let him jam it home from behind for maybe a fifteen second nut? She used him and I thought that was bullshit. The prosecution rests, Your Honor."

Maura has given up on chastising Jane about being overly crude even when it's highly accurate. Instead, Maura smiles and then reaches for the remote laying on Jane's lap and turns the volume up on the show. Not to an obnoxious level but enough to encourage Jane to let Maura focus on the program. Maura would happily discuss 'True Detective' further but right now she wants to watch the opening of the second season of 'Killing Eve'. Maura rewinds the show back to the beginning of the episode.

"Oh, so you're playing it like that again." Jane's voice goes gravelly and a pout forms on her lips. "Okay, I get it."

The show's quirky-annoying music starts up again and then there's Eve holding that damn bloody knife that she stabbed her crazy girlfriend with. Jane shakes her head. Talk about crazy pussy. Jane's talking about Eve not Villanelle since Villanelle is at least honest about her brand of crazy and owns it. Eve is heading towards the kind of crazy where she'll be trying to duck hunt with a rake in time or just be on some other shit in general twenty-four seven. Jane quietly watches the progress of the clean-up crew killing Villanelle's old lady neighbor and then Eve's aimless wandering through Paris. Jane snorts at how the show demonstrates that Eve is already losing her shit by the candy overload while waiting on her flight.

Jane turns her head to look at Maura who's attention is fixed on the screen, "So because we're watching a show about a chick who kills people in clever ways, and loves it, on BBC America means it's classier than a horror show or whatever else?"

Maura bites down on her bottom lip. Jane stayed quiet for longer than she thought possible this time, "The channel airing the program is irrelevant. When in truth the deaths are not made out to be gruesome affairs, now are they?"

"I concur, for now." Jane folds her arms across her chest and slouches down further in her seat. "But I bet they'll get there at some point. They've got ratings to think about after all."

Jane actually doesn't not like 'Killing Eve'. It's different in a way but not nearly the revelation people are treating it as. Sure, the two actresses are fucking awesome and the writing was kickass in season one but this is season two and the woman who wrote the first season has moved on. Jane's not about to comment on that though in Maura's presence. Jane simply goes back to keeping her trap shut and watching the show. Villanelle throws herself in front of a taxi which Jane saw coming beforehand. Jane idly thinks that predicting crazy could be a drinking game that a person could play while watching this show. Hell, a drinking game can be hatched out of any show since they all become predictable if you watch long enough.

Back to the show though, Jane just bets Villanelle will make it one hell of a hospital visit since she's in no danger of actually dying. Villanelle is the show basically. Jane quietly sits through the proceedings of Eve's second wave of losing her shit; stabbing the palm of her hand with an ink pen in public at a bar. Jane shakes her head at Eve's maniacal laugh at the woman who thought Eve was going through drug withdrawals. The show shifts focus back on Villanelle who wakes up in the hospital after the taxi driver threw her out on the sidewalk in front of the emergency room. Jane chuckles lowly at Villanelle's antics of stealing a sticker and a lollipop that are reserved for children in the hospital. Jane would probably do the same with enough motivation.

Jane has figured out that Maura really enjoys this show about as much as 'Downton Abby'. Jane's still working out why that is though. There's plenty of good guesses to be made but they're obvious ones. Two female leads, check. One female lead is very much sexually attracted to women even older ones, check. The witty and sharp as fuck writing in season one, check. The story is compelling, check. But then Jane focuses back onto the action on the screen just in time to witness Villanelle granting mercy to the boy who survived the car accident that killed his parents and who hobbled around the hospital to steal a lab coat and a security badge for her. Villanelle simply snaps Gabriel's neck as easily as she would swat a fly buzzing around her face.

Jane eyes widen as Villanelle lays Gabriel out on the bed, "Damn! First she throws herself in front of a cab while bleeding out from a stab wound and now she puts her young friend out of his misery." Jane shakes her head and then turns to glance at Mauras profile. "I mean, the kid probably was just thinking out loud and things were too fresh to come to that kind of permanent decision."

Maura turns to meet Jane's incredulous gaze, "I agree. But even though this is fictional you do understand that a psychopathic assassin, even one as creative as Villanelle, is still prone to disinhibition. Such behavior is thought to correspond to impairments in the frontal lobe. Villanelle also exhibits pathological narcissism along with probable..."

Jane places a finger on Maura's lips to still them before more Google-laced babble overwhelms her, "Thank you, Dr. Isles."

Maura narrows her eyes and then playfully removes Jane's hand. Maura briefly considers abandoning the show for now in favor of seducing Jane. But then Maura reconsiders; there's plenty of time for that later since she wants to see what Eve's reaction to realizing what she's done and how quickly she will continue to spiral out of control. Maura finds it fascinating that Eve has become that infatuated with Villanelle or rather the freedom she represents. How Eve clearly wants an easy life but at the same time craves the extraordinary which Villanelle most assuredly is. Everything about Villanelle is exciting unlike the other elements of Eve's life prior to the assassin.

The first episode ends and then the second begins with Konstantin revealed as being alive and well and living with Carolyn. Maura hears Jane snort but then Maura loses herself in the show. Then comes the part where Konstantin tries to impress upon Eve that Villanelle will love her to death which is quite the metaphor of truth. It's normally Jane's thing to binge-watch shows but Maura has never partaken for lack of interest or having the freetime if there was interest. So this is a first for Maura; wanting to see how a psychopath copes with having her percieved girlfriend stab her as she heals. Maura thinks it's not out of character for Villanelle to think it was out of love. It's highly toxic though.

Jane has kept quiet for the most part which is odd but not unexpected. So Maura watches with rapt attention at Villanelle's actions in the grocery store. Maura feels Jane begin to fidgit at the sight of the middle-aged man falling for Villanelle's charms. Maura is willing to bet that Jane is going over scenarios in her head at the outcomes that lie ahead. Maura is of the mind that none of them will be good of course. Maura suspects that Villanelle will bring something out in the man that he wasn't aware of about himself or perhaps something he's been suppressing. Maura expects something shocking; it certainly won't be run of mill convalescing.

"Okay, see that." Jane points to the screen with an accompanying sneer adorning her lips. "Those dolls are creepy as hell and a big-fat raised red flag." Maura scrunches up her nose at Jane's choice of modifiers. "That dude is going to be a watered-down Norman Bates type. Either that or he's the type that makes bracelets out of his belly button lint. Mark my words."

Maura turns the remote over in her hand; she knows better than to surrender it after claiming it for the evening, "Who's Norman Bates?"

Jane's eyebrow arches up high on her forehead, "Really? You, don't know who that is?"

Maura shrugs, "Should I?"

"Yes, you should. Trust me on this." Jane tries not to rag on Maura too much but sometimes it's unbelievable how much such a smart lady is clueless about. "In fact after this episode you need to look up the movie 'Psycho' and then bookmark that shit or whatever."

Maura narrows her eyes at Jane for a moment before turning her attention back to the screen. Maura knows who Norman Bates is and she's watched 'Psycho' since Alfred Hitchcock was quite the storyteller and ahead of his time. Lately, Maura has been testing to see how exasperated she can make Jane purely for amusement. As the episode progresses and in no time at all Jane's theory proves to be correct about Villanelle's savior. Jane laughs at Villanelle calling MI-6 and then resorting to yelling at the automated voice who will not grant her access to Eve Polastri you piece of shit. Maura laughs a little herself. Jodie Comer is fantastic on the show. The episode ends with the unassuming man having a toilet brush shoved into his mouth after Villanelle stabs him to escape.

"Damn." Jane exhales and then claps her hands on her thighs. "I would dare say V gets off on leaving little calling cards that speak to Eve. A toilet brush and an apple." Jane smirks and then pivots to the side more towards Maura. "Why it's almost as romantic as Dr. Ian and his toilet paper and two buck chuck wine gift basket."

Maura chuckles and shakes her head as she hits pause on the remote for the next episode, "You're never going to let that go are you?"

Jane sits up straight from her seat on the sofa and stretches her arms over her head, "Why would I? I mean he set the bar so high. It took me a while to figure out how to compete with a grand romantic gesture like that." Maura smiles but still reaches out and pinches Jane on her side. "Oww, shit! What! What did I say?"

Maura rolls her eyes and stands up from her seat on the sofa, "I've become well adept in recognizing sarcasm and your statement was positively dripping with it."

Jane smirks up at Maura and then stands up too, "Good. I'd hate to waste my talents on someone who doesn't get me."

Maura is proud to say that she indeed gets Jane in many ways. It was Jane deceptively complex behavior that was one of many things Maura found intriging about Jane. Maura has even discovered that she has a sense of humor courtesy of Jane which mostly revolves around sex. It amuses Maura to no end how easily Jane is to provoke in regards to the topic. Not to mention Jane also responds to the outpouring of fun facts. Maura can't help herself in that regard sometimes; it's automatic, only now where Jane is concerned Maura knows which subject to further illustrate to Jane.

Maura steps closer to Jane and gazes up into those soulful dark eyes, "Ian was exhibiting mating behavior in a way that aligned with an in-joke that we both shared."

Jane makes a face, "Mating behavior? Really? That's what you're calling it?"

Maura grins briefly at the predictable facial cues she's illicted from Jane, "It is not even remotely the most unusual by far. For instance, did you know that hermaphroditic sea slugs possess both male and female sex organs?" Jane makes another face which can only be interpreted as pure disgust. "When pairs come together to mate they stab each other between the eyes with a needle-like appendage called a penile stylet. Which delivers prostrate fluid. Researchers are still baffled as to why the slugs target the area between the eyes though."

Jane arches up one eyebrow and smirks wryly, "Sounds hawt. Talk nerdy to me some more?"

Maura laughs, "You're quoting Giovanni?"

"Sure, why not?" Jane smirks and then pushes a hand through her hair. "I mean when that grease monkey opens his mouth flower petals fall out. Nothing but gold there, you know what I'm sayin'?"

Maura laughs while looking into Jane's twinkling dark eyes, "So what kind of takeout are you in the mood for?"

Jane grins, "Surprise me, but not with fungus."

Later That Same Night...

Jane does her best thinking on a full stomach but it's still way too early to call it but Jane thinks this season of 'Killing Eve' is nowhere near as good as the first season. Sure the actress who plays Villanelle can actually polish a turd but a person can only do so much. Right now Jane is watching Villanelle inspect the hotel her new handler has put her up in. The place looks like one of those motels that charge by the half hour and the duvet should be labeled as hazardous waste. Villanelle catches onto this fact too and then points out that she's found seven cum stains not counting the one on her pillow. Jane laughs under her breath even though she's grossed out all the way to hell and back along with a pitstop in purgatory on the return trip.

"You have to wonder why the writer had to put that eww with a double side of hurl in the show." Jane shivers as Villanelle throws the cum-stained pillow to the foot of the bed. Villanelle then carefully sits down in the chair next to the bed which probably hasn't escaped the overzealous fictional cumshooter's aim. "We all know every hotel's turn down service is not as advertised since no one who works in housekeeping or in the laundry makes nearly enough money to willingly clean up every last drop of some dude's spooge."

Maura grins and leans against Jane more from their shared position on the sofa, "I have to agree that the effects department certainly went for disturbingly authentic in trying to replicate semen stains."

Jane flinches. You'd think by now Jane would've gotten used to how overly clinical Maura is about sex. But no. It will never get old and worn out with Jane how Maura can make getting your fuck on sound even grosser than it really is. Sex is all about exchanging bodily fluids and lots of unattractive sounds that are involuntary and completely voluntary. Like the really loud noises women make in porn films or how guys think all we women want is to be slapped on the ass while getting pounded into the mattress or whatever. The only thing that makes sex tolerable is if you have any kind of feelings for the other person. That's why Jane never did one night stands back when she was a single lady.

Jane settles in again to watch the show with Maura but with as few complaints as possible. Not that Jane has much to complain about really. So Jane watches Villanelle have a personal shopper go crazy and when the goods are hand delivered to Villanelle's cum-covered room she tells the front desk dude to charge it to her room. Jane can't keep from smiling when she sees Villanelle going through the bags with glee while her face is covered in some seaweed mask like Maura uses from time to time. Jane gets the whole taking care of yourself so you don't morph into a wrinkly Shar Pei out of nowhere. Jane isn't a girly-girly but she damn well moisturizes just not the way Maura does.

"I finally figured out why you like Villanelle." Jane smiles wider as she glances over at Maura's profile. Maura's watching Villanelle spread out a pair of sparkly pants while making what Jane would call a squeeing noise. Maura gets like that when they're in the vacinty of Newbury Street. "She's a clothes horse too."

Maura grins and turns her head to meet Jane's stare, "I won't deny that she has an impecable eye for fashion which I do appreciate."

Jane just smirks and turns her attention back to the show. Villanelle is strutting up to the front desk dressed like a boss and the man behind the desk informs her that there's another guest in the hotel now. Jane knows who it is, Konstantin. The question is if he really intends to sell Villanelle out to Eve like he agreed to in exchange for the location of his family in the witness protection program. Villanelle picks up a knife and when she gets off the elevator and sees it's Konstantin she runs to him. Jane thinks for a second Villanelle is pissed that she failed in her job and she's going to finish it but then Villanelle just roughly hugs him. From there on it's some verbal banter and then Eve shows up.

Villanelle watches Eve and an entry team kick in the door to her empty room through the peephole in the door. Villanelle's eagerness to linger lasts far longer than is safe. Konstantin even has to restrain Villanelle from bursting into the hallway and into Eve's clutches. Villanelle makes a small noise and Eve moves in closer and then out of nowhere Eve announces that Villanelle is hiding behind door number two. The entry team busts the door down only to find that Konstantin and Villanelle have gotten away clean. So Eve has a meltdown in front of the entry team that involves shouting, kicking a potted plant, then to finally conclude with her angrily raiding the mini bar in the room.

Jane frowns and shakes her head. All that's missing from the scene is the guys on the entry team in the room shouting: 'Chug! chug!, chug!'. Jane rolls her eyes, "She would be so fired and stay that way in the real world for a stunt like that."

Maura nods her head and purses her lips at the sight of Eve knocking back the entire small bottle of alcohol in front of several people, "That is unbelievably unprofessional behavior and as you said grounds for dismissal."

Eve ends up getting a nice little sit down with Carolyn. Jane likes Carolyn too. So there Eve sits in Carolyn's posh kitchen and she is not even trying to hide the fact that she's pouting while Carolyn tells it like it is. Jane thinks that there's no way she'd want to work with someone like Eve. Though she has good intentions but that's not enough to offset Eve's mistakes that she keeps on making like the rules don't apply to her anymore.

Jane makes a tsking sound, "Clearly, Eve hasn't learned the golden rule and that's never try to fuck with Carolyn Martens. The boss lady is always several steps ahead of you and has plans to stay that way. She warned Eve not to go behind her back at the end of the last season and here we are again early this season right after the Konstantin and Villanelle murder for hire elopement."

That episode ends and the next one starts up immediately complete with a recap. Jane leans forward and readjusts the pillow behind her back before settling back in. Jane doubts that Maura will actually want to watch all eight episodes back to back. Jane has dibs on them stopping at episode four. The half-way mark will be the logical pause point for Maura when she realizes that binge-watching isn't her bag. The episode reveals that Konstantin and Villanelle have slipped off to Amsterdam to do some killing in the name of money. To kill time until the main event Konstantin drags Villanelle to a museum and Jane snorts at the reveal. Then Villanelle opens her mouth and it's sheer genius. Jane has also had the urge to shout 'boring!' in more places than just a museum.

Jane chuckles, "You know I agree with Villanelle about her assessment of fine art; it's all naked women and grapes."

Maura rolls her eyes, "That's not completely true but did you know that modern art now features quite a few penises not simply the nude male figure in which the penis is flaccid. In fact I recently read an article about a young art student who asked three hundred men on Tinder to send her dickpics. The painting she created is called 'The Modern Male."

Jane gags at the image that her mind just conjoured. Endless Andy Warhol-like art but with hard dicks instead of a Campbell's soup can or Debbie Harry. Jane doesn't want to meet the person who'll pay whatever thousands that kid will demand for her hard work to decorate their home with several stranger's bald-headed yogurt slingers. Jane thinks that the only place she'd hang a painting like that would be in the guest bathroom.

"Ugh! Vomit, Maur."

Maura laughs and reaches out for Jane's hand that's resting on her thigh. Maura wanted to hold Jane's hand earlier but Jane was too preoccupied with crossing her arms across her chest in a classic gesture of defensiveness. Maura has noticed that Jane does it often when they're watching some program on television as if Jane's unconsciously trying to protect herself. The gesture can also mean uneasiness, shyness or insecurity too. Maura laces her fingers with Jane's and smiles at the sensation of warmth that it facilitates in her body.

Maura smirks and she's not paying one bit of attention to the show now, "The painting features several different kinds of male genitalia in an aroused state done against what I would call a Jordy Blue colored background."

Jane frowns but she gently squeezes Maura's hand in hers, "Stop it before I throw up in my mouth and then on you."

Maura chuckles and once more focuses back on the show. Maura thinks that the second season is clearly showing the absence of Phoebe Waller-Bridge's writing. That glaring absence notwithstanding everything else is top notch. Jodie Comer and Sandra Oh are stellar together while the characters of Villanelle and Eve are coming apart which is clearly the intention. Jane suddenly laughs and Maura smiles; Villanelle is sitting at waterfront cafe, looking incredible in pink again, when a young woman asks if she can take her picture for Instagram. Villanelle tells her no and then shouts at her to get a real life. Maura shakes her head and grins. Villanelle is refreshingly blunt.

Jane likes this dark humor the show has. Villanelle is sitting there at some bar with Konstantin now, stuffing her face with some food Jane can't pronounce but looks like chocolate sprinkles on a slice of plain white bread, while telling Konstantin the guy she's been paid to kill is a pervert that likes farm animals. Then when Konstantin accuses Villanelle of going soft because of her feelings for Eve the response he gets out of Villanelle is her purposefully jamming her foot out as a another woman passes by. The woman trips over Villanelle's foot and falls hard. Villanelle fakes concern while smirking up at Konstantin like the cat that ate the canary then told the canary's parents about it.

"It's really hard not to like Villanelle dispite what she does for a living." Jane smirks as the display of Villanelle laid out on her hotel bed dressed up as some fetish inspired Dutch milk maid with a cartoon-like pink pighead on. Jane thinks it looks like an anime version of Porky Pig. "Even though in the last episode she killed a guy by holding onto his tie while it caught in the doors of an elevator as the elevator went up."

Maura nods her head, "He most likely wasn't decapitated though the show more or less hinted at it."

Maura watches Villanelle lure the man into a storefront which is what the red-light district is comprised of in Amsterdam. The confidence Villanelle exhibits with men is quite something. She has no need to be afraid of them the way most women are unless they're armed. Men don't regard women as a threat and that is something Villanelle uses effectively. Villanelle strings up the man and then slips a knife into him as though he were no more than an animal waiting to be bled out in an abattoir. Turns out Jane was right about them upping the gruesome factor after all.

Jane makes a face at the deadman Villanelle is slipping the traditional pig mask on before doing a curtsy, "Of course his wife knew what disgusting pig he was. How could she not in this day and age? I mean really, who did he think he was fooling?"

Maura turns her head to look at Jane, "So do you think the punishment fit the murder as it were?"

"No, that's a fucked up way to die." Jane makes a face and damn she was right about the show going for shock value in due time. "And extreme. His wife could've just divorced him and took him for every penny he had. I mostly feel sorry for the kid frankly. Father was a pervert and its mother is an accessory to murder. Goodtimes."

From there it's back to Eve in London where she's been grounded by Carolyn who wisely decided that letting Eve run off to Amsterdam would be nothing but a clusterfuck. Predictably, Eve decides to focus on her crumbling marriage which Jane thinks is a waste of time. Nothing about Niko seems to mesh with Eve. Jane wonders what in the hell was it that made them hitch their wagons together in the first place.

Jane shifts in her seat because her left asscheek is going numb, "Eve's husband is an ugly furry guy." Jane then watches the same man make a joke after Eve throws down a severe act of desperation and brings him breakfast in bed. And like a man or an ungrateful person in general; he says that Eve's trying too hard and that just having sex with him would've been better. Eve quickly leaves and the husband with the dumbest mustache ever says that he'll just masturbate onto the omelet. Jane makes a face. What a catch. "What's his name again?"

"Niko."

"Right." Jane tilts her head to the side and watches Eve react to the silly work presentation about psychopaths. Eve is in denial up past her lips on many levels about herself and Villanelle. "I swear Eve is starting give off some strong-ass Carrie Matheson vibes here and there. It's becoming more frequent too. Eve's spiraling out of control and circling the drain."

Maura smirks, "Mm, should we be watching 'Homeland' instead?"

"No, please no." Jane scrunches up her face but then she reaches up with her other hand to scratch her nose. "I'm not in the mood to watch Carrie fuck someone she knows damn well that she shouldn't be fucking but does it anyway in the name of whatever." Jane rolls her eyes because no show raises her blood pressure like 'Homeland'. Jane can only watch it in small doses and she has to fast forward over certain scenarios. "It's the same thing every season and when the last season drops I'll be shocked if they skip over what I would call a running joke at this point. You know I can't decide if Carrie has no impulse control or if it's because she's that fucking crazy? The last season...just...I feel sorry for her kid. Carrie didn't need to be procreating and certainly not with a married terrorist."

The episode moves on and the next day after her red-light murder Villanelle goes next door so she can watch the cops. When Villanelle flashes money to the woman that works there the woman says that she's sorry but she doesn't do girls. Villanelle tells her she just wants to watch. The woman starts to disrobe and Villanelle tells her that she's not there to watch her. The woman shrugs and takes the money while Villanelle goes to the window which overlooks the crime scene perfectly. Jane grins when Villanelle steals the other woman's bag of chips and then sits there at the window eating them.

Jane clears her throat, "You know, Villanelle is pretty killer at doing the undercover gig. Being able to do all those accents; speaking all those different languages in the right accents too. Impressive."

Maura smiles and rubs her thumb along Jane's hand. Maura enjoys the simple touches as much as the other ways Jane touches her or in this case the way Jane invites Maura's touch. Maura feels for Villanelle in a way; her doomed infatuation with Eve. Villanelle waits around all day and when it's Jess and not Eve that arrives to see her handiwork Villanelle gets angry. Maura surmises that Villanelle is starting to believe what Konstantin and others have told her about Eve losing interest in her. Villanelle ends up buying drugs and going to a club where she beats up a young girl that cuts the line in front of her in the bathroom. Konstantin comes to collect Villanelle before she strangles the girl to death in the bathroom in front of plenty of witnesses.

"Shit." Jane murmurs out and readjusts her grip on Maura's hand. "Villanelle and heartbreak don't mix well. But that's nothing new. First Nadia then Anna."

Maura reaches for the remote beside her with her free hand and hits the pause button on Villanelle waking up to dried puke on her sheets and in a fancy silver champagne bucket by the side of the bed on the floor; having been used to catch said puke and then Konstantin snoring on the floor, a safe distance away, at the foot of her bed. Jane can't help but appreciate how good Villanelle still looks and that green is her color. It brings out her eyes which are about as unique in color as Maura's depending on the light.

Maura places the remote back down on the cushion on the other of her that's not pressed against Jane, "Do you want to watch another episode?"

Jane turns to Maura and then smirks, "We kinda have to. Villanelle has only scratched the surface of her angst over Eve."

Maura chuckles and reaches for the remote and unpauses the episode which ends with Villanelle doing some ugly crying in the mirror over Eve. The music that's overwhelming the scene is okay. Jane recognizes the song but it's being sung in French or something. Jane knows that after this cry Villanelle will pick herself up and get on with it. The question is what though other than her next paying gig which turns out to be Eve. The woman actually puts a hit out on herself to make Villanelle come to London to help with the subplot known as the Ghost. Truthfully, Jane hasn't been all that invested in that part of the show or the shady fucker Aaron Peel.

Jane watches Hugo fit Eve with a bulletproof vest to go home where Eve is counting on Villanelle showing up to kill her, "I don't know what Eve is so critcial about. It's a vest. If she wants to make a fashion statement just put it on over your shirt like 50 Cent."

Maura smirks and the show cuts to Villanelle getting dressed for Eve while Eve arrives home to properly survey her appearance with the bulletproof vest on. In a fit of discomfort and defiance Eve pulls off her button up shirt and the vest too and goes downstairs to wait. The doorbell promptly rings and Eve answers the door to Villanelle. Maura thinks Villanelle looks stunning; no one would think that this is the look she chose to go murder her would be lover.

Jane snorts at Eve's quip of taking Villanelle's veil, "Man, V shows up stylized as some model rocking the grieving mob wife aesthetic fresh from her Vogue cover shoot."

Maura smiles and leans in closer to Jane, "That dress is not as iconic as the pink one she wore in the first season with those combat boots. But it is fabulous nonetheless."

Just as Jane is about to respond to Maura's flirty tone the two main characters kick things into gear. Villanelle explains that she's dressed the way she is because she's about to be in mourning. Eve tells Villanelle that she's the one who put the hit out. Villanelle tells her that's stupid and then produces a bottle of pills and dares Eve to down and then chase them with the bottle of champagne she brought. Eve does it like it's some kind of challenge to prove herself. Villanelle tells Eve that it's poison and to get it out quick. Eve runs to the sink with her finger down her throat and Villanelle starts to laugh. Jane isn't sure if she wants to laugh or not. Villanelle keeps laughing and then comes up behind Eve, who's still bent over the sink, and then grabs Eve like she's going to have her right there. Vomit breath apparently not that big of a turn-off in the heat of the moment.

Jane puffs out her cheeks, "Jesus Christ, those two are going to kill each other. That'll be how the show ends. I don't see any other way."

Maura unlaces her fingers from Jane's and then sits up straighter in her seat, "What makes you so sure about that? Granted, it's a toxic relationship but still?"

Jane pivots in her seat and then throws her arm along the back of the sofa, "Well, let's see. They eyefuck constantly. But they have a literal love hate thing going on but with deadly weapons and the intent to use them." Jane sighs out a short laugh and then reaches up to scratch a sudden itch on the side of her head. "First, Eve stabs her favorite assassin. Carolyn wasn't wrong when she called Eve the head of the fanclub by the way. Then to cap off the finale of this season Villanelle busts a cap in Eve when Eve turns down the offer of a romantic Alaskan getaway for two. They have one seriously fucked up relationship. Therefore, I don't see how they can survive each other in the long run."

Maura's mouth drops open, "Jane!"

"What did I say?"

Maura narrows her eyes at Jane, "Villanelle shoots Eve in the finale?"

Jane rolls her eyes. She didn't mean to say all that but its too late for that now, "Fine! I cheated and read a spoiler on the internet. Sue me."

Now Maura knows not only how the show ends for the season but why Jane's commentary was far more subdued than usual and not just because this show isn't overly sexualized. Jane has never spoiled a show for Maura before but Maura isn't mad about it. Maura still wants to see how they get to the point Jane just gave away and she knows Jane will too but as of now they're officially done with binge-watching the show for tonight. Maura turns and reaches for the remote and then switches the television off.

"I guess that's that, huh? Sorry."

Maura lays the remote down on the table that Jane uses as a footrest too often and then turns her gaze back on Jane who doesn't look all that sorry. Jane in fact looks delectable. All that long dark wavy hair is slightly mussed and Jane's simple white V-neck shirt is tight in all the proper places to draw in Maura's eye but still loose and comfortable otherwise Jane wouldn't be wearing it. And it never ceases to amaze Maura how easily she becomes aroused at the sight of Jane. Never mind when Jane smiles or fully utilizes her naturally sexy voice.

Jane arches an eyebrow at Maura and smirks, "Stop giving me your bedroom eyes unless you're actually serious about it."

"Who says that I'm not?"

Jane's eyebrows scrunch together and Maura has the urge to reach up and smooth out the line forming between them. Both of them are well into their forties now but Jane doesn't look it. Jane could still pass for thirty. Maura tries not to worry about her appearance too much since she strictly keeps to her health routines that and you can only fight nature for so long. Plastic surgery isn't an option for the sake of vanity when the end result looks bizarre and that's a kind assessment.

"I might be." Jane lets her eyes wonder over the greenish-blue shirt Maura is wearing or rather how it's falling off one of Maura's shoulders. "You make me watch a fair amount of shows with fake sexing every other minute." Jane smiles wryly; daring Maura to deny it which she doesn't. "Now if we were watching porn it'd be easier to tell if you're in the mood for some 'sexual healing' as Marvin Gaye called it which is a hell of a lot more suave than Rick James hollering 'give it to me, baby!'."

Maura chuckles and Jane is one tick away from further expounding on her joke by ending it with the Dave Chappelle classic line: 'I'm Rick James, bitch! Enjoy yourself.' But Jane doesn't want Maura to get the wrong idea. Sure, Maura called her a bitch one time when they were fighting but that was a long ass time ago. Maura wasn't wrong either at the time but Jane would've preferred it if Maura had just called her an asshole since that's what Jane was acting like. Jane is big enough to admit her short-comings and take it like a woman.

Maura chuckles and then licks her lips while leaning in closer to Jane, "You're not really bothered by the shows I like to watch are you? The simulated sex scenes, which are in practically every show on television now, and thus difficult to avoid unless you fast forward through them."

Maura actually wouldn't object to fast forwarding through a good deal of them. Particularly the ones involving violence. Maura has no interest in watching rape scenes of any sort. Not to mention the fact that there's no plot whatsoever in a sex scene. In fact the only one Maura can recall recently that was a part of the plot is when her and Jane were watching Ridley Scott's 'Prometheus'. Jane predicted that Dr. Shaw was getting impregnated by her infected boyfriend with an alien during the sex scene. And to cement her theory Jane said that since it was an 'Alien' franchise movie there was no way that the sex was there to be titillating like others.

"Look, I can and do deal with all the fucking on T.V. fine but it's getting old." Jane sighs and closes the distance between them but instead of a kiss on the lips Jane goes for Maura's neck. It's a light kiss to Maura's fluttering pulse. Jane smiles against Maura's skin before pulling back slightly. "But you know if I'm being honest about things I gotta confess that I do have a favorite sex scene that I've been reticent to tell you about."

Maura knows that Jane is about to make a joke and as such Maura plays along, "And which one is that? Have we watched it together? And of not then should we for inspiration?"

Jane chuckles darkly and then pulls back further to look into Maura's beautiful eyes, "My favorite sex scene ever was in 'Finding Nemo' or was it 'Finding Dory'? You know what, never mind I think it's a tie."

Maura laughs and drops her head, smiling against Jane's chest while clinging to Jane as they both dissolve into laughter. Maura has never been happier in her life and since she met Jane there's never been a dull moment. Not even when they're doing something as simple as a night in. However, Maura intends for the night to end a certain way that she's grown accustomed to. Spoiled really. Jane could easily be one those so called naked ladies Villanelle was talking about in the art museum that inspired so many of those artists. But Maura finds Jane inspiring clothed or unclothed and Maura's just the kind of artist that writes novels these days.

_END_

Soundtrack: "Doin' Time" by Lana Del Rey (I'm a long-long time Sublime fan and I approve of how she rocked it.)

A/N 2: This is probably the actual last episode but don't hold me to that. Feel free to share your thoughts and whatnot. But if they're nothing but solid negatives I prefer to do without those. There's too much hate and ugliness in the world already.