Bellatrix gazed up at the neon sign of The Hefty Burrito. Slyfinger's Sleepeasy (where good and evil witches and wizards meet to have torrid affairs) was constantly changing its front so the Muggles would not be suspicious. Apparently Mexican cuisine was trending amongst the Muggles. Bellatrix didn't care as long as some form of alcohol was served.
She entered and immediately spotted Narcissa, who had claimed a cozy corner booth and was perusing a laminated menu.
"CISSY!" she shouted. The man behind the counter dropped the burrito he was holding and it splattered on the ground. Miserably, he started making another one. I must think of a new life, he thought sadly, and I mustn't give in. When the dawn comes, tonight will be a memory too (it was only 11:49am). And a new day will begin. But for now, here he was with a burrito he couldn't fold properly. He had put too much lettuce in it. A slow tear began to roll down his cheeks. What was the meaning of life?
Bellatrix slid into the booth and tried to give Narcissa a hug but her sister fended her off with the menu. "Don't touch me Bella, you have dried blood on your dress. And I want to order now, I'm halfway through my cleanse and I'm starving."
Bellatrix pouted. "I don't see you for weeks, then you send me a hysterical Howler blubbering something about Draco and so I leave my top-secret, super important mission for the Dark Lord to see you, and I don't even get a hug?"
"No. But you need to get me an extra spicy bean burrito, cheesy enchiladas, an arugula salad and a bottle of San Pell."
Silence fell between the sisters once they were ensconced within their booth again with their food, as Bellatrix hacked the warm tortilla skin of her carnitas burrito open and began tearing into the insides like a vulture with a carcass. Really she preferred cheeseburgers, but this was fine, red meat always helped. Narcissa alternated sniffing her extra spicy bean burrito and cheesy enchiladas as she picked at her arugula salad. Bellatrix shook her head. Narcissa was most definitely back on crack. This should be good. Narcissa was fun when she was on crack. But Narcissa on crack while on a diet? Unpredictable.
"So what's -"
"I'm worried about Draco!"
Oh no. Crackhead/dieting Narcissa worried about the little blond snot was the antithesis of fun. Shame that Draco had inherited his father's stormy grey eyes, pointy chin, and moral backbone of a chocolate eclair, and was thus so inherently easy to bully.
"Bella, you remember James Potter, don't you?"
"James Potter?" There was a name she hadn't heard in ages. "Of course I remember James Potter. In fact…" A memory hit her like a Cauldron Cake to the forehead. She remembered...
FLASHBACK
"James Potter, you absolute rotter!" Bellatrix howled like a banshee and hurled a Cauldron Cake towards the tall, slim boy with messy, dark hair trying to hide behind a couch in the Slytherin common room.
The boy's name was James Potter. He was a dashing Gryffindor who had snuck into the Slytherin common room. He had dodged the Cauldron Cake effortlessly. Incongruently, he found himself thinking of a beloved Muggle treat he had had once on a trip to visit his sometimes-girlfriend Lily Evans over the summer – a Mint Slice. You may be wondering, what in the wizarding world is a Mint Slice? A Mint Slice is, at first blush, very like a Thin Mint. Both have rich dark chocolate cookie bases covered by a sleek coating of decadent dark chocolate. But there the similarities end. The Mint Slice contains a subtle slick of mint icing, hugged between the crisp cookie bottom and the chocolate exterior; that icing is what takes these cookies to a whole new level.
The Cauldron Cake missed James, and instead hit...
"Good shot Black! Right in Snivellus' face!" James roared with laughter and pelted another Dungbomb at Bellatrix, who blasted it out of the air a split second before it could hit her in the eye.
She blamed Snape for all this. It was Snape's fault for getting in the way and ruining her shot. Plus, stupid Snape and his stupid face and his stupid hair and his stupid brain had carelessly left the portrait concealing the entrance to the Slytherin common room wide open. At least Snape had paid for this transgression now - he was splayed out on the floor, having copped a Cauldron Cake to the forehead.
"I meant to do that!" she screamed and continued throwing Cauldron Cake in the direction of the couch Potter was trying to hide behind. He laughed again, an easy laugh that Bellatrix found annoyingly charming. Merry brown eyes half-hidden under floppy hair met her furious gaze.
"Oh come on, Black, take a compliment," he grinned. "It's almost as good as a Mint Slice."
What in the wizarding world was a Mint Slice? "GET OUT OF HERE YOU INTERLOPER," she snarled, but it seemed more and more likely that he would not budge so easily. She might possibly have to get physical with him.
Bellatrix stomped over to the ruined couch, intending to gut him with her empty plastic Cauldron Cake tray, but she found herself getting distracted by the way his eyes followed her every move. She could see his chest rising and falling, his breathing getting heavier as she got closer to him, and before she could begin her tirade, James Potter closed the gap between them and wrapped his arms around her. They snogged for hours…
END FLASHBACK
Bellatrix shook her head to rid herself of that unwanted memory of a moment of weakness. She had been on a break with Rodolphus, the idiot having annoyed her yet again, for something she couldn't remember but which she was sure had obviously been a big deal. And everyone knew that while Potter was infatuated with the mudblood Lily Evans. But what happened between them that one time in the Slytherin common room - as Snape flailed on the ground, choking weakly on stray Dungbomb particles - it had been so real...
"Bella? Bella!"
Bellatrix blinked and roused herself from the unwelcome memory. That was all it was. Just a memory…
Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with my memory
Of my days in the sun
"As I was saying, Bella…" Narcissa attempted to draw herself up to her full seated height, but due to her low blood sugar and other self-induced chemical imbalances, swayed vaguely and slurred as she spoke. "Potter's son, Harry, bullies Draco terribly and is a horrid little gobshite to him on a daily basis! But Lucius has been banned from being on the grounds of Hogwarts for another fortnight because he accidentally set Hagrid's hut on fire again, so he can't go to check up on Draco…"
Bellatrix scowled as she sucked down her fourth strawberry margarita. If Draco couldn't find the gumption to stand up for himself why should she waste her time on the spineless runt? She had better things to do with her time! Like murdering Mudbloods, for example! And abducting house elves!
Undeterred by her sister's complete lack of interest, Narcissa widened her baby-blue eyes and peered at her sister. "Pwetty pwease Bewwa?"
Bellatrix groaned internally. She could never say no to Narcissa when she called her that. It reminded her of when they were children and how Narcissa used to beg her to demonstrate the Unforgivable Curses on whichever unlucky house elf was scurrying by.
"Fine, Cissy," she glared at her. "But now I must complete the extremely important and secretive task the Dark Lord has set me." Bellatrix turned up her nose at Narcissa's gushing thanks and Apparated back to Blackpool where she had to finish torturing the silly man at the dodgems on the Central Pier who thought it would be a good idea to bump the car the Dark Lord was steering.
Some hours later, Narcissa came to. She had passed out from hunger and had ended up face down into her salad. Weakly, she ate a small cube of cheese and waited to feel less woozy. This diet is the worst, she thought. Crack was so much better. It's time I made some better life choices.
"Avada kedavra!"
A flash of green light and the Muggle collapsed at Bella's feet. She cursed. Another pleb without Uber on their phone. How like Muggles to invent perfectly good apps and then refuse to use them on principle. She threw it at a passing car and stormed off in search of another unsuspecting Muggle on their phone.
A few hours later, seated in the backseat of an Uber on her way up to the Scottish Highlands, Bellatrix finally allowed herself to relax. A little. By only Confounding passing drivers of pink cars. But there weren't too many pink cars, so she allowed herself a couple of red ones. She thought about Dumbledore, and a little shiver went up her spine. She would need to be fierce, and stern, and not allow him to get the better of her by toying with her reluctant affection for him. He was meaningless to her! Her heart beat only for her beloved Dark Lord, Voldie!
When the Uber arrived at Hogsmeade, she avada kedavra'd the driver and blasted the car into the Forbidden Forest. She was so excellent at clearing her tracks! She shook her wild black curls complacently and made her way up to the castle. Evening had fallen and Bellatrix knew that all the students would be in the Great Hall having dinner. The perfect time to sneak into the Headmaster's office and hide, in order to surprise him and give him a big hug… Wait, no! She hated hugs! She was going to give him a piece of her mind! Well, Cissy's mind! About Draco! She cursed and stupefied an owl that swooped a little too close for comfort.
"Piss off, Malfoy!"
"You piss off, Potter!"
A glob of guacamole sailed over Hermione's head towards the Slytherin table. With her nose buried deep in Hogwarts: A History, she barely noticed when half a quesadilla came flying back towards the Gryffindors. It was on Harry if he thought starting a food fight with the first-year Slytherins was a better idea than doing extra research for Professor Binn's essay. Hermione, on the other hand, had every intention of finishing the textbook tonight and getting a headstart on the essay, which was due in two months' time. Then she could get started on Professor Quirrell's essay on ghouls and poltergeists that was due at the end of their third year. Hermione sniffed and turned a page. You'd think those idiots would at least focus on learning something about their food instead of throwing it. It was Muggle Studies Week, and every day a different muggle food was being catered to the castle. Today's meals had come from Chipotle, which Hermione disdained. She had always been more of a Taco Bell kind of girl.
With chaos reigning within the Great Hall, there was not a soul around to witness Bellatrix waltzing into the Courtyard and beginning to make her way towards Dumbledore's office. But she had barely taken a step over the castle threshold when a thin, pale and clammy-looking man in a turban rushed past her, yelling incoherently. Bellatrix thought she vaguely recognised him, but then again, it was hard to tell one bland, pasty man from another these days. So unlike her darling Voldie. She would recognise his sharp, angular, snake-like, handsome face anywhere...
But as this particular pale turbaned man rushed into the Great Hall, Bellatrix's interest was piqued when she finally paid enough attention to him to make out the words he was yelling:
"TROLL! TROOOOOLL! TROLL TROLL TROLL TROLL TROLL!"
In the Great Hall a hush came over the students. A snotty-faced red-haired boy, yet another Weasley, Bellatrix surmised, was in the middle of waterboarding what looked like a very soggy and half-drowned young Crabbe with pumpkin juice, who immediately ceased his choking and gurgling.
"TROLL IN THE DUNGEON!" Pasty Face shouted again into the silence.
"Thought you ought to know." He collapsed in a dead faint.
The Great Hall erupted in a mass of sound and activity. Some of the younger students began screaming and shouting, before McGonagall waved her wand and they all fell into the dishes, out cold. Draco reached for a dish, dumped the contents on the table in front of him and began sculpting rude figures out of sour cream. Potter brandished a squishy fistful of pico de gallo and the Weasley boy began waterboarding Crabbe again with a vengeance. Hermione chose to slide under the table to continue reading in peace. Leaving McGonagall to shout herself hoarse in an attempt to subdue the hordes, Dumbledore drifted towards the door with a nonchalant smile, delicately stepping over Pasty Face with Snape trailing close behind.
Uh oh. He was coming closer and closer to where Bellatrix was skulking by the door. She slipped out and hid behind the nearest statue. It was of her great, great, great, great, great-grandfather, Phineas Black. She patted the statue's arm affectionately, then snapped back to reality as Dumbledore strode past.
Dumbledore's proud, Roman nose, and twinkly eyes were such a far cry from Voldemort's profile, but nevertheless Bellatrix couldn't prevent a soft sigh escaping from her lips as he turned down towards the dungeon. How could she have forgotten Dumbledore's stunning good looks? Throwing what little caution she possessed to the wind, Bellatrix slipped out from her hiding spot and followed Dumbledore and Snape the overgrown bat down towards the dungeons.
"Humph," Snape said. "I fail to see why it is we who are having to deal with this primitive creature. The students should be handling this. It would be very educational for them. When I was a -"
"Shut up, Snape," said Bellatrix. Snape flinched at her sudden appearance but knew better than to question it.
"Hello, Bellatrix," said Dumbledore pleasantly. "Ahhh, heading deep into a dungeon with you, Bella, just like old times…"
And as she watched Dumbledore continue striding into the dungeon ahead of her, a memory engulfed her…
FLASHBACK
"BELLATRIX!" Albus Dumbledore roared, as he strode into the dungeon wearing only a pair of boxers patterned with the Gryffindor insignia. His Head Boy badge was proudly pinned to the front.
"Albus!?" Bellatrix gasped. "Oh, you startled me!"
"What are you doing in the dungeon, Bellatrix?"
"I… I…" She hesitated. In fact, she had gone to the dungeon to weep alone. The most handsome Slytherin boy, Tom Riddle, had been her partner for their presentation on the uses of mandrake roots in potions class. She had hexed several students in order to be his partner (she could have just hexed one, but not knowing who Riddle's original partner had been, she had cursed half the class just to improve the odds). And he had completely ignored her yet again, even throughout the entire presentation. He was so handsome, and she was so heartbroken. There was nothing else to do but retreat to the dungeon with a flask of Firewhiskey and a bottle of Butterbeer and a handle of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour vodka and…
"Actually, I know why you're here, Bella," Dumbledore said, lowering his voice dramatically. She couldn't help but notice how sexy his voice lowering was…
"Why?" she said breathily, not unaware of the strong scent of concentrated liquors on her breath.
But Dumbledore didn't seem to notice. "You're here because you heard about the chirping chonkmank."
Bellatrix gasped. "The… what?"
"Yes," Dumbledore continued darkly. "A tiny, vicious creature that escaped from the Forbidden Forest and made its way into the dungeon! You heard, and planned to slay the creature and claim the glory for your House! But so did I!"
He looked so magnificent and handsome as he spoke, even though Bellatrix scarcely knew what he was going on about. "What if…" she found herself whispering. "What if we slew it… together?"
Dumbledore cocked his head and looked at her strangely, like a horse that suddenly has something in one of its eyes. Then his expression slowly changed. He realized he had never in his life seen a girl as beautiful and brave as Bellatrix Lestrange. He felt… he knew… he loved.
"Yes, my Bella," he whispered. "Together."
Holding hands, extremely awkwardly, as both needed their right hands to hold their wands, they rounded the corner into the deepest part of the dungeon. In a corner, the chonkmank made a squeak. It was clutching part of a pumpkin pasty that looked like it had been swiped from dinner.
"Expelliarmus!" cried Dumbledore, twirling his wand through the air. The chunk of pumpkin pasty flew out of the chonkmank's paws. "Stand back, foe! Bellatrix, don't fear. I will approach by way of the southern-"
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" shouted Bellatrix. The chonkmank made a choking sound, seized up, and keeled over.
"Bella!" Dumbledore gasped. He was shocked. "That's one of the unforgivable curses! I… I… I don't know whether to report you or to…!" He charged forward and started kissing her frantically before his qualms could get in the way. While the corpse of their vanquished foe stiffened at their feet, they snogged for hours…
END FLASHBACK
Bellatrix gasped and clutched at the dungeon wall. The memory of Albus snogging her was so vivid, so magical. She noticed the dusty remains of chipmunk bones on the ground. It had happened right here!
"Dumbus… I mean, Ambledumbus, I mean, Dalbusdumbleseabassabore…" The memory of their dalliance was too much for her. She stopped walking, in an effort to concentrate on what she was saying. "Albus, darling, do you remember…"
"Eh?" Dumbledore said, turning around. "Wot?"
"Do you remember when you and I came here, to this very spot?"
"I…." His expression turned dreamy. "Of course, Bella. How could I forget that memory?"
"And you looked at me and said…"
"... that I… wait, what did I say? Never mind, I'm sure it was excellent, I always – "
"Merlin's pointy femurs!" Snape screamed suddenly. "The troll! It's got me! It…"
The sudden interruption made Dumbledore pause. In that time, the mind of the world's greatest wizard conjured up another thought. "But Bella," Dumbledore said slowly, his face clouding over. "This was also where… Do you remember?"
Bellatrix's eyes widened in shock as she remembered…
FLASHBACK
"BELLATRIX?" a voice roared.
Bellatrix's eyes widened in shock even though she was still snogging Dumbledore and she knew it was gauche to open your eyes while you were snogging. But she had recognized the voice immediately. "James?" she mumbled, shoving Dumbledore away from her.
"I'm not James!" screeched Tom Riddle, leering at them from the entrance to the dungeon. "I am Tom Ri- I was Tom Riddle, but soon the world will know me as…" He whipped his wand across the air. Green letters twisted in front of him: TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE. Tom continued to whip his wand through the air, painstaking reordering the letters one by one. "Lord Voldemort!"
"It says LORD VOLDEMORT MIA," said Dumbledore prissily.
"Ah, damn," said the soon-to-be-known-as Lord Voldemort MIA, panting. "Wait a bit…" His wand scribbled through the air again, bumping the letters together unevenly so that became squashed and misshapen. They now seemed to read I AM LARD OLD FART. He gave up. "Enough. I meant to say… Bellatrix, how could you?"
"You… you know my name?" stammered Bellatrix.
Tom Riddle a.k.a Voldemort threw his hands up in a gesture of utmost passion. "How could I not? The cleverest and most beautiful witch in all of Hogwarts! How I loved you deep inside! And just as I was about to slay the fell creature and carry its still-warm body to you as a token of my love, in the hopes that you would see me as the lovestruck fool that I am… Instead, I find myself… only a fool." He pounded his chest for emphasis, causing the decorative serpent-shaped pin on his chest to dislodge and stab him; he winced. "Lovestruck no more am I! Bellatrix, it is over between us!"
"Nooooooo!" Bellatrix wailed. "Tom, no I mean, Voldemort, don't go! I… I love you!"
But Voldemort had already vanished out of earshot.
"Oh, Bella," Dumbledore said tearfully. "I thought you loved me, but… I've heard enough!" Sobbing, he covered his face with his pale naked arms and ran out of the dungeon.
"Wait! Dubledumass, I mean, Blabablab..."
But Dumbledore was gone.
As Bellatrix sat down heavily on the floor lined with half-empty liquor bottles, determined to drink as much as she could, she cursed her horrible luck with men. How did this keep happening to her? She would be alone, always alone...
Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The chonkmank dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning
END FLASHBACK
"HELP ME, MERLIN, IT'S GOT MY SHOE!"
Snape's shrill screams rudely wrenched Bellatrix out of her memories and back into the present.
"Shut up, Snape!" she shouted, aiming a spell over her shoulder without looking. There were bellows of pain. But Snape's screeching continued. Bellatrix frowned. She had meant to hit Snape, but accidentally got the troll instead.
Bellowing in pain, the troll held on to Snape's leg and began smacking him against the stone floor of the dungeon. It looked like it was having fun.
"Good work, Bellatrix," Dumbledore said smartly, breaking into a trot. "Now I'll just approach from the southern…"
Anger welled up in Bellatrix's guts. These stupid incompetent pathetic men! "Sebaceuouscyst!" she shrieked, flicking her wand at the troll. It immediately fell over and died.
"Goodness me," said Dumbledore, readjusting his robes, which had got stuck in his boxers as he advanced. Everyone could see that today, the headmaster of Hogwarts was wearing…
"Slytherin boxers?" Snape croaked, through swollen lips. It sounded as though his jaw might have been dislocated.
"I, ah…" Dumbledore flushed bright red. "It so happens that I have been fond of… one Slytherin in particular… and being quite unable to state my feelings plainly, have adopted these as an homage, you might say…" He peered up at Bellatrix meaningfully.
"Dumbledore, I've told you so many times already but you never listen, I love Lil-"
"Shut up, Snape," said Dumbledore and Bellatrix together.
Dumbledore coughed. "Bellatrix, I… I must ask you…"
She leaned forward, heart pounding. Was this the moment when he would finally profess his love and ask her to be his? "Yes…?"
"Would you do me the honor of… Will you…?
"Yes!" shrieked Bellatrix, as Dumbledore said, "Be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor here at Hogwarts?"
"Brilliant!" Dumbledore was exultant. "Let's go do your paperwork!"
"M-m-m-master," the thin, pasty man stammered. "I-I-I d-did as you c-c-commanded and s-s-set the troll loose in the d-d-d-dungeon."
"I'm sensing a 'but' here, Quirrell. Spit it out."
"B-b-b-but it was k-k-killed."
Serpentine eyes narrowed. "By whom?"
"B-b-b-by B-b-b-Bella-t-t-t-trix L-l-l-l-e-s-s-t-t-t-t-t-tt-t-r-r-r-r-a-n-g-e-e-e-e," whispered Quirrell, who had squeezed his eyes shut.
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" A flash of green light and Quirrell fell over, dead.
Lord Voldemort sighed. Good help was so hard to find these days. Now his second-best Death Eater lay dead at his feet. Because his first-best Death Easter had ruined his second-best Death Eater's plans!
He supposed he could have informed all his Death Eaters of what his plans were, overall. But was that really his job? "No," Lord Voldemort said out loud. "No, it's not."
Nagini appeared suddenly at his feet, hissing. "Ah, Nagini, you have a message for me? Bellatrix has just become the new Defense against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts?"
He pictured Bellatrix teaching a classroom of hapless Hogwarts students. She was a beautiful, highly intelligent witch who did not know the first thing about defending against the dark arts.
A beautiful, highly intelligent witch who had unknowingly captured his cold hard heart all those years ago…
There was only one thing to do.
He would go to Hogwarts.
A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it! Next chapter coming soon! Please review and let me know what you thought!