RepliWeir reflects on love and loss in her dying act

Chapter Text

I drift. Alone. Cold. Unbelievably cold. I relive those last moments, the moments with them, with him. I hadn't planned to feel this way. When I left Earth, I ended things with Simon because I knew I was never coming back again and it just wasn't fair to him at all. It wasn't like Samantha and Jack, our love wouldn't have held us together over the years. Eventually he would have resented my leaving, resented me making excuse after excuse over the years to not come home.

We never had the transcendent feelings that could survive being kept apart by our well meaning but mislead government when it came to emotional attachments. To survive on stolen scraps and hidden promises until the war with the Goa'uld ended. I pity them. I envy them. Oh how I envy them.

I don't even know if this is really me. I feel it is. I have every memory of the flesh and blood me, every emotion. Every desire. Every regret. It is not Simon I regret. It's not. Simon was sweet, intelligent, but not frighteningly so. Simon has always looked put together and urbane. Like a model out of GQ or an L.L. Bean catalogue. He didn't have messy dark hair or scattered thoughts or random thoughts at inopportune times.

Simon would never have driven RC cars through the halls of Atlantis, terrorizing the technical staff. Laughing when he was scolded by technician and superior officer alike.

Simon would never get into a food fight with a coworker or reassure her that she was doing the right thing being exactly where she was questioning her own judgment.

It wasn't Simon she missed. It was perennially amused hazel ringed with blue eyes even when he was annoyed or exasperated. It was full lips inclined to a jaunty snark and a rangy body she'd fantasized about more than she cared to admit.

She missed her team but most of all she missed him.

Her remaining act of love for them was to save them from herself. In her hubris, she had chosen a course that lead to where she currently was. Cold. Dead she supposed. Floating in space with the rest of the remaining Asurans who's motives she could no longer guarantee. If she ever could. A poor choice in a list of poor choices.

But, they were safe. Her family by love if not by blood. The blood of the convent thicker than the water of the womb. She'd sworn her allegiance and so, with her dying not truly a breath, she'd sacrificed her remaining regret on the sword of temperance.

They would move on of course. He would find another woman to love without her in his life. He'd miss her, she though, but not like Jack would have missed Samantha in the same situation. Sam wore his ring on her tags, kept it in her desk drawer while on missions. Not forbidden, simply frowned on given how many times he'd personally rewarded her with much deserved promotions. She had been Woolsey's first choice to command the mission. Jack had firmly told the other man no and that had been the end of that. Perhaps Jack had worried Samantha would leave as she had and never return.

She'd told Jack he didn't need to worry, Sam would always come home to him. She was as invested in Jack as Liz had been in her team. Men and women she loved as brothers sisters. One she'd loved as far, far more.

She knew though that time would ease their pain of the loss of her and they would all move on with their lives. Even him.

… and slowly… I was forgotten.

It was her final thought before the cold shut down the last of her processors. She would dream no more.