Secret Traditions (with Ma)
Angie Martinelli-Carter and her little Christmas Angel had a tradition, something they only did when Peggy's work took her out of town. As soon as Peggy called to say she had arrived to wherever in the world her work had taken her, Angie and Natasha would grin these big wide eyed dopey grins at each other. It had all started as a way to distract Natasha from Peggy not being home. When she was small she hated when either of her mothers was away for longer than a day. The sight of a suitcase or an overnight bag would send her into wailing sobs and vice like clinging to which ever mother was about to leave. It broke their hearts, so each of them had come up with something special to do with Natasha while the other was away.
For Angie it started with dinner, because this was Angie so of course it started with food. She would make some 'All-American' meal like cheese burgers, fries, and chocolate shakes, or chili dogs, chips, and root beer floats. Natasha would help her of course, Angie had started bringing her little girl into the kitchen with her as soon as Natasha was big enough to hold a spoon and stir. Natasha liked helping with desserts best because she got to taste the sweet fillings, batters, and doughs. Since this particular secret little tradition had a certain theme to it the desserts were things like apple pie and ice cream sundaes.
After they finished eating and cleaning up Angie would pull out her old wartime radio, which Howard had updated for her so that it played things like cassette tapes and compact disks. She and Peggy tended to use it when they were feeling nostalgic on date nights and wanted to dance to the old songs from when they were young. The collection of disks Angie took out of their hiding place in the pantry, in a little hidden nook concealed behind the imported Italian ingredients Peggy wasn't allowed to use under penalty of having to sleep alone in the guest room for a week if she did, also came from Howard.
Angie would put one of the disks into the radio and then she and Natasha would curl up together in the big comfy chair, the one Peggy liked to curl up in to read in the evenings with a cup of tea on quiet days or a glass of whiskey on the harder ones. Before crawling into her Ma's lap, Natasha would set out her bears on the coffee table around the radio. She now had a full collection of Howling Commando teddy bears, and she loved each and every one of them, but Dum Dum Bear was her favorite. He was the one she slept with and took everywhere with her. So Dum Dum Bear got to be in the middle, right in front, with the others spreading out beside him, forming a semi-circle around the radio. Normally Dum Dum Bear would have been with her and her Ma in the chair, but this was a special occasion, which called for a special bear. In fact, this was the only time this particular bear was out and about, since he was kind of a secret too.
"Ready angel?" Angie asked from the big comfy chair were she watched Natasha arrange the Howling Bear Commandos.
"Yeap!" Natasha replied as she dashed over to her Ma.
"You got Cap Bear?" Angie asked, arms open and waiting for her little girl.
Natasha held up the pale tan bear dressed in Captain America's bright blue uniform, little white star on his chest, red and white stripes around his tummy, little helmet on his head, and of course his shield attached to his paw. Angie smiled and reached for her girl to pull her into her lap, and then used a small remote to start the disk. Throwing a blanket over their laps she sat back, pulling Natasha close, arms wrapped around her tightly, and smiled.
"And, what's the one rule of Cap's Adventure Club?" Angie asked as they waited for the disk to start playing.
"Mummy must never know!" Natasha said with a firm nod of her head.
"Good girl." Angie laughed.
Music began playing from the radio followed by a man's booming voice. "And now it's time for the Captain America Adventure Program! Brought to you by Stark Motors, the only place to get the cars of tomorrow, today! Tonight's thrilling tale takes us deep into the snow covered forest where the brave men of the 107th search for their favorite beautiful nurse and Captain America's sweetheart, Betty Carver."
"You're going to be in big trouble when Captain America gets here." A breathy woman's voice says.
Angie moans softly and rolls her eyes. "Arlene French, what a hack."
"Mama shhh!" Natasha whispered with a less then gentle elbow to Angie's ribs.
Angie made a playful oof sound, but Natasha was already too invested in the terrible radio show to notice. Howard had every single one of the original recordings in a vault, which he insisted was to preserve history, and not to keep Peggy from destroying his collection of less than dignified Captain American memorabilia. Angie can't even remember why she had a set of the remastered disks, they were probably meant to be a gift for Natasha and Angie had just naturally hidden them away. While Peggy was well aware of Cap Bear, who normally lived on top of Natasha's bookcase, Angie wasn't so sure she'd be quite so understanding about the radio program that had depicted her as a helpless damsel in distress every week. Angie was fairly certain Peggy would have a stroke if she knew she was letting Natasha listen to this. But the week this little tradition had started had been a hard one, and the only thing that had even remotely worked at keeping the girl calm and off Angie's hip for more than five minutes at a time was when Angie had accidently put one of the disks on while trying to find one of the ballet disks Natasha liked. It had captured Natasha's attention long enough that she'd gone a whole thirty minutes without asking for Peggy and then dissolving into heartbreaking sobs when Angie had to tell her Mummy wouldn't be home for a few more days yet. So Angie had tried again, and it had worked again, and so it became a special thing just between the two of them.
As the program went on Natasha began to bounce on Angie's lap, and every time Captain American would punch someone, the sound of someone slapping on a raw rump roast being the indication of this, Natasha would throw her own little fist out too. Angie found it almost unbearably cute the way Natasha became so animated as they listened to radio Cap's adventures. She treasured these special evenings together, just her and her daughter. Angie would be forever grateful for the chance to call Natasha her daughter, to spend time with her like this, to get to raise her alongside the woman she loved. She was grateful to Dottie for doing the brave thing, the right thing, and leaving her with them to care for. And she was grateful to Peggy for agreeing to do it, because until Natasha appeared in their lives Angie hadn't been sure she'd ever have kids. She'd always wanted kids of her own, but she'd known from a young age that she liked girls and not boys, so she wasn't altogether sure if she'd ever have any. Then she'd gone and fallen in love with Agent Peggy Carter, who's focus had always been on her career, and she figured the kid thing just wouldn't happen. She thanked God in her prayers every night that it had, and she promised Him she would be the best mother she could to her little girl.
When the hour long program was over Natasha threw herself back against her mother's chest dramatically, Angie just getting her face out of the way in the nick of time, and threw her arms out to the side with a heavy sigh. She had the biggest smile as she said, "That was a good one, Mama."
"It was one of the better ones." Angie agreed and she stopped the disk. "I'm glad you liked it baby." She smiled as she tickled Natasha, making her squirm.
Natasha wiggled and giggled on her mother's lap until Angie stopped. Then she twisted so she was sitting sideways instead of facing outward towards the radio. "Mama?"
"Yes angel?" Angie replied as she wrapped her arms around Natasha.
"How come Mummy can't know?" Natasha asked.
Angie knew Natasha would ask this question one day. She knew that the novelty of keeping a secret from Peggy would off and she'd be curious. Looking into Natasha's blue-green eyes Angie considered her reply carefully, and figured she was old enough now to understand at least some of the reasons why. "Well, see, the thing is angel, Mummy knew the real Captain America."
Natasha's blue-green eyes went wide and she gasped softly. "She did?"
"Yeap," Angie nodded. "His name was Captain Steven Rogers, and he served in the war with Mummy. He was very important to her, he was special, and she doesn't think that they do a very good job telling his story on the radio show. She thinks they make him seem kind of silly, when he wasn't, he was very brave and clever. He died savin' a lot of people's lives, includin' mine, and Mummy thinks his memory deserves more respect."
"Oh." Natasha replies softly and then looks at her mother with surprise. "He saved you?"
Angie nods. "The very bad people that Mummy, Uncle Howard, the Howlies and Captain Rogers were fightin' in the war, they wanted to do something very bad, very evil, to New York. Captain Rogers didn't let them, he stopped them, keepin' New York safe. I was in New York, so when he saved New York, he saved me too."
"Wow." Natasha breathed out in awe.
"Yeah." Angie said with a warm smile as she pulled Natasha close again. Then she chuckled and added, "Plus, we can't tell her because she really hates Betty Carver."
"Why?" Natasha asks. "Was she a real person too? Did Mummy know her?"
Angie nods, a huge smile on her lips. If Peggy every found out about this she was a dead woman, well, maybe not dead, but it would be a very very long time before she would be allowed to touch her wife again. "Betty Carver is suppose to be Mummy."
Natasha sits back, gasps, her eyes wide, and then she loses it to a fit of giggles, because Betsy Carver is nothing at all like her Mummy. After she calms down, and she and her Ma snuggle for awhile, Natasha sits up again with wide eyes. Only this time there is no amusement on the little girl's face. "Betty's in love with Captain America." Natasha says with serious concern. "Did Mummy love Captain Rogers?"
"She did." Angie tells her truthfully. "Very much."
"But Mummy loves you." Natasha insits.
Angie nods. "She does." She reassures, and then does her best to explain. "Mummy knew Captain Rogers before she and I met, and she loved him very much, and that's ok, baby. When you get older you're goin' to love many people before you find that one special person you want to love forever." Angie pauses for a moment. She brushes at Natasha's hair and gives her a reassuring smile. "A piece of Mummy's heart will always love Captain Rogers, and that's ok because I know her whole heart loves me, and my whole heart loves her."
"Forever and always." Natasha says, having heard her mothers whisper that to one another.
"Forever and always." Angie agrees.
Thinking the Q&A was over, Angie cuddled a little longer with her little girl and then sends her upstairs to put her bears away, and to get ready for her bath. After putting the disks back in their hiding space, and putting the radio back in her and Peggy's room, she helped Natasha through her nightly routine. With Natasha in her favorite cozy pajamas Angie took her back downstairs so she could braid her hair while it was still wet. She loved the way Natasha's hair curls in soft spirls when they did it that way. She was about a fourth of the way into the briad when Natasha asked her next question.
"Mama?" Natasha said suddenly, her attention not really on the television across the room. Her little mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts, feelings, and questions she wanted to ask.
"Aren't you a curious little bug tonight." Angie laughed, knowing from the way Natasha had said her name that she was about to launch into another Q&A. "Yes baby?"
"Is Captain Rogers the real reason the Fourth of July makes Mummy a little bit sad?" Natasha asked softly.
Angie was a little startled by the question, not sure how Natasha had even made the connection. She nods. "Yes, it's his birthday." Then she raises an eyebrow. "What do you mean by the real reason?"
"Uncle Dum Dum said the Fourth of July makes Mummy sad because she's British and she's still pouty over a tea party in Boston." Natasha answered.
Angie couldn't help but laugh. "No, baby, Mummy is not holdin' a grudge over the Revolutionary War."
"What about Uncle Howard?" Natasha asks.
Angie blinks, "No, I don't think he's holdin' any bad feelin's about being American either."
"No Mama." Natasha said with a sigh, clearly expecting her mother to keep up with the thoughts in her head. "Is that why he drinks to much on the Fourth? Because of Captain Rogers?"
That question actually made Angie stop braiding. Had Natasha started to notice Howard getting drunk? Was she old enough now to understand that he sometimes drank more than he should? Or that he acted differently when he did? Or that he acted differently than the other adults when alcohol was around? She and Peggy were going to have to talk about Howard when she got home. "Yeah, honey, Uncle Howard and the Howlies, they were all Captain Rogers' friends, so on certain days like his birthday, or the anniversary of his death, or on the day when Mummy wears the little red poppy flower on her lapel, they miss him just a little extra and it makes them sad."
When she was finished with Natasha's braid, Angie pulled the girl into her lap because now she was the one with a swarm of thoughts, feelings, and questions in her head. "Nattie, is that why you don't like the Fourth of July? Because it makes Mummy sad and Uncle Howard drink to much?"
Natasha nods. "It's ok when we're cooking out, and the fireworks are always so pretty, but then it isn't okay anymore."
"Why baby?" Angie asks, needing to know.
"Uncle Howard gets mad, he yells at Aunt Maria, and that upsets Tony, then Mummy gets angry and she yells at Uncle Howard, and Mummy doesn't really yell, so it's kind of scary." Natasha answers.
Angie blinks. She wishes she could say all of that didn't happen regularly, but it did, and not just on the Fourth these days. But shit like that normally happened after they'd put Natasha to bed. "How do you know that angel?"
"Sometimes the really loud fireworks wake me up." Natasha answers with a slight shrug of her small shoulders. "And Uncle Howard and Mummy get kind of loud, so I can't go back to sleep."
"Oh angel, I'm sorry." Angie says softly as she hugs her little girl closer. "Us big stupid adults didn't know we were wakin' you up. Why didn't you come and get me or Mummy?"
"I'm not lookin' for Mummy when she's yellin'" Natasha looks at her mother like she's nuts.
Angie laughed. "What about me?"
"You're busy tryin' to get her to stop yellin'" Natasha answers and then shrugs again. "So I just cuddle under the covers with Rosie. She doesn't like fireworks either."
The fact that Natasha was starting to sound more like her, letting some of the Brooklyn accent she's picked up from Angie slip through, was letting Angie know it was bedtime. Natasha had this natural little accent all her own, influenced by her mothers' very distinctive voices. She could even mimic their accents perfectly when she wanted too. "Don't ever be afraid to come find me or Mummy when you need us, Nattie." She tells her girl as she stands with Natasha in her arms. She was almost too big for Angie to carry around, and when it finally happened it would break Angie's heart. "Especially if you're feelin' scared or anxious or sad, ok?"
"Ok." Natasha yawns. "Mama?"
"Yeah?" Angie replies.
"Can I sleep with you? On Mummy's side of the bed?" Natasha asks. "Please?"
"Sure, angel, you can sleep with me on Mummy's side of the bed." Angie agrees as she carries her baby girl up to her and Peggy's room. Drawing back the covers, she settles Natasha down and smiles as she watches the tiny redhead burrow her face into Peggy's pillow. Angie tucks her in, and kisses her forehead whispers to her in Italian, "Goodnight angel, I love you."
Natasha snuggles, yawns, and whispers back. " ti voglio bene mamma."