To clear out confusion, you might notice the use of words in Sara's narration differs somehow from Tegan's. Sara uses a lot of exaggerated hyperbole, and that's to highlight her personality. I don't mean to show that Sara is an airhead, but she's naive in some way. Later on their narration will alter and change, especially Sara's, as they grow up and things change for them. So if you notice it, that would be great.
Also, I'll have to make sure to post this again, even though it's in the summery. Trigger warning for physical abuse and physical violence. Please keep that in mind. It is not major, kind of like sisterly fights, but it is still physical violence nonetheless.
Sara
I try so hard to do college. I try to study, to memorize, to write reports, but my motivation isn't even alive. It's dead, it's murdered by my lack of interest and my constant distraction. I'm either too distracted by saving my relationship with Emy, or too bothered by the presence of Tegan around me.
It's been better since bitch-face started her job the past week. She's been supplying my caffeine thirst with different types of coffee while leaving my clit dancing on its own inside my pants. But the good thing is, when she's out, I could masturbate, which is another distraction from studying.
I don't know who my biological parents are, but sometimes I feel like if I happen to find them, I'm going to sue them for creating such a stupid kid like me. Why can't I just focus, or care? Or like understand what the fuck is happening in this book? That's it, I give up. Let me just swirl my body on this stupid chair while chewing on the edge of my pencil.
I think I stay twirling around in my chair for about seven to ten minutes, thinking about everything in general except the homework I have in front of me when I realize that bitch-face is here and is staring at me with her judgmental, irritating, but also attractive eyes.
"Earth to you." She says, moving around the steaming cup in her hand. "Irish nut creme." She says swinging the cup in front of my excited eyes and I move my hand following hers just like a puppy seeking its toy. "What's the magical word?" She raises an eyebrow, and even though I glare, she doesn't care anymore because that's just the ritual each day.
"Give me this, fucking bitch." I growl and she snorts, handing me the hot cup and it almost slips out of my grip and falls.
"So unthankful. Ass." She says, just like everyday and I flip her off while taking a sip of the goodness in that one cup. I think I've subconsciously moaned at the greatness of the taste because then she opens up her mouth and says, "Good, huh? It has vodka." She wiggles her brows and I giggle, sipping again.
"I know, dumbass" I insult her again as she walks to the closet like she does everyday. "Did you make it?" I take another sip and watch her remove her black polo, which was her uniform along with a black snapback.
Tegan lets out a faint sound that's between a groan and a whimper, which by practice, now I can manage to understand that it's a yes.
University has started ten days ago, and what I managed to figure out from the start is that Tegan is a very sexual being and I think that's why I've been horny since she came to this dorm. Which makes me feel guilty because as soon as I'd see Emy, I lose every interest of having sex, which also makes me feel guilty and ends us up having sex in restaurants' public bathrooms, which is such a turn off that I can't even remember the last time Emy had made me come during sex.
The thing is, with Tegan around, we can't really have sex in my room or in hers because of her roommate as well. And I can feel the distance between us now. I have to imagine something seriously sexy in order to get aroused around her, while here I am drenched in my own juices just because bitch-face is walking around in her sports bra and jeans. And can I stop ogling the outline of her perfectly shaped abs or the swelling of her breasts, or worse, how much hard her nipples are. Nope, not at all.
"Are you always turned on or are your nipples just always hard by nature?" Fuck, fuck. You stupid bitch, Sara. Why the fuck did you open your mouth? Why the fuck did you ask that? I fucking hate the person sitting inside of me, I hate her.
She's looking at me with her judgmental, beautiful eyes again and I can feel how weak I must be looking right now. She's walking towards me with her lips curling to the side. "Looking down there, huh?" She stands right in front of me and for a moment I feel as if she's going to straddle me so I push the hot cup between my legs and lean back on the chair, and open my eyes widely because her breasts are literally two inches from my face.
Before my fantasies of burying my face in her tits come to life, I'm disappointed because she steps back from my personal space and smirks wickedly like a charming actor in an action movie in the process of seduction to his blonde mistress.
"That, my darling, is a piercing." Before she finishes her sentence. Before my brain can absorb it. Before my eyes can realize it. Before everything and anything, Tegan, casually, swiftly, and without any hesitation, lowers the right side of the red fabric down and I choke on my own spit as the glorious scene of a full boob and a pierced hard and pink nipple fills my needy eyes. "Wanna touch?" I blink rapidly as I try to connect the question with my comprehension abilities, which are working even slower this time.
Yes, yes I want to touch, I want to touch it so much, I want to squeeze it, that's the most beautiful boob I have ever seen in my life, not that I have seen many, but I'm pretty sure it's the most beautiful one. "No." I answer because I don't know why. Why did I say no?
As soon as I reject the great offer that I'm pretty sure was going to change my life for the better, somehow -I don't know how but somehow- Tegan puts the beautiful boob back in its prison and smiles at me. "Your loss." She whispers in such a sexy tone that I'm sure if she did one other thing, I might as well just drown in my own juices and Tegan can't even save me. Yes, of course it is my loss.
"I have a girlfriend." I remind her again, like I do millions of times each day, and honestly, at this point I think I'm trying to remind myself not her because I easily forget I have a girlfriend when I only see her to fuck in a dirty old bathroom and not even enjoy a bit of it.
"Faithful. Always faithful." Tegan says with a nod as she sits next to me, but on the carpeted floor.
"What do you mean?" I scowl as I look down at her. She reaches for the bag she left on my desk and takes the red velvet cupcake she brought for herself. Why the fuck is she still in the bra? Can't she just wear something?
"It means you're too faithful, and I honestly don't think that's the right choice." I frown and wrinkle my eyebrows because I'm not sure what she means. "Here." Tegan takes a piece of her cupcake and gives it to me, and I take it without any hesitation.
"Thank you." I smile and chew on the small piece till my eyes go wide remembering where we're eating. "Crumbs, fucking crumbs." I say while my mouth is full and she giggles while pieces of cake leave my lips and fall on my lap.
"Idiot." She mocks, reaching for my cup of coffee and taking a hold of it. "You sure like warm stuff between your legs, huh?" I blush deeply, because honestly, I have forgotten it's there and I was benefiting from the warmth it was radiating to my clit. But then I see her about to drink from it and I let out a scream, which makes her jump and makes me take it away from her hand.
"Eww, no." I say. "That's mine, fuck off."
"Hey." She shouts. "I shared my cupcake with you. I made this shit you're drinking." I curl my lips in a devilish smile and sip from it, wiggling my eyebrows in order to tease her. "I showed you my boob." She then says and I choke on the stupid coffee, because how the fuck did I just forget she showed me her fabulous boob? See? This is what I'm talking about when I say I get distracted.
"I didn't tell you to show me your boob." I say as I watch her glare at me.
"I love doing good for the needy." She says and I control myself very well and don't show any type of emotion, I just drink. "You either show me your boob or let me share with you."
Me showing bitch-face my boob? Fuck no. I barely let Emy see me naked when we have sex. Bitch-face ain't getting a glimpse of my body. "No. I don't go showing everyone my body." I say.
"I noticed." She says and I look at her with confusion covering my features. "You're a prude."
"So what if I am?" I say, a little offended.
"I think it's really hot." She says and my tension calms just a little bit down. "That's why I'm so attracted to you. Your self control is a turn on." Tegan flirts with me everyday and tries to get into my pants each day, so it became easy hearing these words without caving in, but at the same time it's not easy to control all this sexual tension inside of my body.
"Here." I whisper as I hand her my coffee. I think a part of me just relaxed when she complimented me. And fuck, she knows how to get me. "Just, please, try not to leave your spit in it."
"Oh, I've already done that." Tegan winks and then takes a big gulp. I am too shocked to even care about the fact she has just wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. "I'm kidding." She says, trying to get me to snap out of my shock. "Dude, I'm kidding, I didn't spit in it." She snorts again and I calm down once again.
Tegan gives me another piece of her cupcake and I carefully put it in my mouth and chew slowly as I stare at her taking another sip of the coffee. When she lowers her hand I notice that her arm comes in contact with her breast and she flinches just a tad. This fills me with curiosity about the barbell in her nipple. "Are they each pierced?" I ask and she looks up at me with something glowing in her eyes.
"Yup." She smiles, confidently, with teeth, gums, and charm.
"Did it...umm..." I hesitate and point at her breasts. "Hurt?" I finish the question.
"Piercing them?" She looks at her covered chest and back at me, I nod. "Well, yes it did." She casually says and takes a bite of her cupcake.
"Why'd you do it? I can't imagine myself getting a piercing or a tattoo." I admit. I feel like my body is too sensitive for that. I only have my ears pieced and my mother did them for me when I was pretty young. While Tegan, she has three piercings each ear, a tattoo on one arm, a piercing on her labret, and two on her nipples. God knows where else.
Tegan shrugs and smiles at me. "I love them." She says. "My tits, I mean." I giggle because that somehow makes me blush. "They're hot, so why not adorn them and make them even hotter? Plus it was an offer. My friend's sister works at this really cool tattoos and piercings place back in Calgary. He paid for my tattoo." She motions at the strange black drawing on her arm. "And she offered to give me the piercing for free for my eighteenth birthday."
"Hmm, cool." I say, nodding. Admittedly, the piercing is actually quite attractive and even more of a turn on for me, but I don't admit it to her because I'll probably blush too hard and forget the words and I don't want her ego to expand, because it's already too large.
She hands me my coffee, but I shake my head and push it back to her. "Why not?" She asks with brows knitted and innocence in her tone.
"I can't." I admit, moving one shoulder in a manner of a shrug but it's just a protest. "You drank from it." I whisper, guiltily.
"Are you..." I think I kind of upset her, but I really just can't drink after other people. "Sara." She says gravely all of a sudden. "How do you even have sex?" Her tone is serious, but I can't help but make a funny face at the question. "I mean, I know." She corrects herself and we both chuckle. "You get disgusted pretty easily, from everything. Isn't sex like kinky? Especially that you've been doing it in public bathrooms? Like isn't that just disgusting for someone like you? I'm just curious, that's all." She take a breath after hurriedly speaking.
"Well, ummm..." I hesitate, because I honestly don't know what to say. "Emy is special." I admit, feeling the heat climbing back to my face. And even though Emy is special, and Tegan is right about me finding most things repulsive, I hide the fact that I don't engage in sex as fully as Emy does because I know that will make Tegan laugh at me.
"Ya. I've noticed it." It really annoys me how she notices everything. She's seen Emy like two times and she noticed it. "So like you'd have sex with Emy with all the yuck it really is and like push your face in her pussy but not drink a drink because I put my mouth on the cup?" Now that's exactly what I haven't done in sex. I haven't eaten Emy out. And I know I'm a terrible girlfriend for that, but Emy is fully satisfied with me using a strap on her, otherwise she would have complained.
"I told you Emy is special. Like I know her and she's clean..." I bite my lip before I continue because I see how offended Tegan gets with my unintentional offensive assumptions. "Emy is my first." I say loudly and randomly to give Tegan a reason to mock me and forget another offensive comment I have uttered.
"No, shit." Tegan says sarcastically. This makes me frown because whenever I say something thinking it's news, Tegan just knows it by watching me. I hate being a roommate to someone as smart as her. Maybe I'm just too predictable, maybe I'm just too easy to be read. "You're just so in love with her even though there's no love between you two. You just don't wanna let her go because of this bond you have, which is her being your first." Tegan explains my situation better than I could understand it and I look at my psychology book and wonder for a second whether she's the one majoring in that or it's me. "It's alright, Sara. I understand." She says so softly that I feel the urge to kiss her for understanding and not mocking me for once. But I don't, because I can't cheat on Emy even though everything in me is telling me to do so.
"Did that happen for you?" I ask, innocently, and calmly. "With your first?" I continue my question when the chopped-bangs owner takes too long to answer.
"My first time was a mess." She moves her hand as if she's trying to tell someone to go away from her. By that, I understand she doesn't want to to speak about it, therefore I don't insist.
"I'm sorry." I say, apologizing. She lifts her head and smiles genuinely at me. A little bit of surprise in her sparkling irises, but these happen whenever I do or say something nice, which really makes me wonder, am I that much of a bitch?
"It's fine." She waves it off again with the same hand.
"So listen," I begin to say again. I want to be nice to her because I feel kind of bad for some reason. "Today we're going out." She raises her eyebrows. "I mean Emy, Lindsey, Sarah, and I." She nods. "Ya, so why don't you come with us? We're going to a lesbian bar. It actually sucks. They're basically taking me out for my birthday. They do it every year and they think that I'll be surprised, but like wow, a day before my birthday you wanna go out? I might be stupid, but not to this point." I finish my banter and Tegan is giggling now.
"You're not stupid." Tegan says and that's the only thing that doesn't make me stab her in the middle of the night at times. Whenever I say that I am stupid, she tells me that I am not stupid. When I say it around Emy, she doesn't say anything, which makes me think that she agrees. "Your birthday is tomorrow?" She asks.
"Uh, ya." I lie. The fact is, I don't know when is my birthday. My parents have been honest with me from the start. When my grandmother found me at her door, the note accompanied me said I was two months old. So when she handed me to my parents, they decided they'll celebrate it in September the 8th, because that's their anniversary and that's how we celebrated my birthday and their anniversary together since ever.
"Cool. Mine is in three days. The tenth of September." Tegan shows her teeth as her lips widen in a smile so excited.
"Oh, wow." I say, chuckling a bit. "That's actually cool." I nod. "Then you must come." I remind her again. "Please?" I don't know why I'm begging, but I want her to come. I don't know why, but I just do. "We'll have a great time."
"Sure." She nods and gets up, taking the bag and the cup and walking to the area where the trash bin is. She throws the trash in it and then walks to the bathroom. "I'll shower, do you want to use the bathroom?" She asks before going.
"No, thanks." I say and focus back on my homework, which I know I won't focus much on as thoughts of Tegan nude inside there fills my mind as soon as I look at the boring text of my book.
I told Emy that Tegan is joining us, she didn't mind at all. She said she liked Tegan and thought her funny, which was a bonus for the threesome I have in mind, and yet a negative point because I don't want Emy to think that of Tegan. I don't want anybody to think that of her but my person. Which doesn't make much sense since I want both Emy and I to sleep with Tegan, so at least she has to be attracted to her.
Emy suggested that Tegan goes with Sarah and Lindsey in Lindsey's car, and I with her in her car. I hesitated, but she said she wanted to speak to me alone.
"So you know this is for your birthday, right?" Emy asked as she drove down a road full of restaurants and bars. It was too bright, and too lively. It was still the end of the summer. The weather's just a bit chilly, but still good for people to wander around in the streets rather than stay at home and protect their bodies with the warmth of their roofs.
"Of course." I mutter, looking out at two girls chatting together. That's what it seemed to me at first, but then I notice the taller one is actually yelling, and the shorter one is trying to explain something to her. I wonder if they're a couple, maybe sisters, or just friends.
Emy and I did argue, we did fight, but not often, we always had a mutual understanding. When one is just angry, the other would leave her alone. My sister and I only have some silly fights, just like any other siblings. But she's only ten and we're good together. And even though I barely see her, we still have that bond that I cherish. My mother and I never argue. Maybe because I've always been the good child, the perfect child she always wanted and only had by some miracle as she says. Even though I did upset both my parents with my grades throughout my academic years, we still didn't really fight about it. They knew I tried my best, they knew my abilities, they just wanted me to be the best I could be and I appreciate that. And my parents, I honestly, with all honesty, never heard them yelling at each other or arguing. Of course it happened, but it only happened when Joy and I weren't looking or weren't around. That's how it worked for our family. And that's how it worked with me. So seeing strangers yelling at each other in a well-lit street is really strange to me, and whenever I witness or hear about fights between couples I can't really describe how I feel because I've never been there. I had a few break ups, they were all very calm even the one that broke my heart the most. But the shouting and screaming part, this I never had, and sometimes I wonder how it feels to let out all this anger out on someone. Perhaps that's why I take it out in forms of violence sometimes, which really nobody had witnessed but Tegan and the first girl I ever liked, who was also my best friend.
"Ya. I really can't celebrate it with you tomorrow. I'm really sorry." I snap back into reality and look at my girlfriend with a pout on her full lips. "Rachel is not doing any of her parts with the project. Sarah and I are doing all the work, it sucks. Tomorrow we have to visit this museum for the final thesis. Bad timing, I know..."
"It's okay, Emy." I interrupt. "I don't really care that much." I shrug. "I'm only getting older. What to celebrate about that?"
"You're turning twenty-four. That's not old."
"It is for someone stuck at university." Around Emy, sometimes I can express the stuff that make me feel upset about my person, and one of them is my academic failure.
Emy doesn't say anything, she doesn't comment at all, and the conversation dies down until we reach the stupid lesbian bar, which, I'm pretty sure, is the most trash place in this city.
Lindsey, Sarah, and Tegan were all already there and seated respectively. Drinks in front of each as the two friends whom I really don't like are engaged in a conversation, and my roommate is just looking at all the women around her. When Tegan spots Emy and I, she smiles at me, or her, or both of us, so I smile back and take my chance to sit next to her in the booth before my girlfriend does.
"Hey." Tegan whispers as if we're in a library and not in a crowded and a loud place.
"Hi, Tegan." My girlfriend says before the signal reaches my mind that I should probably respond, so I just smile instead as the full attention is given to my girlfriend and I by the other two women.
"What took you guys so long?" Sarah asks.
Emy has a purse with her, she kept looking in her purse and I look inside as well, trying to figure out what she's searching for. "Ya, we left after you..." She trails off, still looking inside her purse.
"Tegan looks a lot like you, Sara. Are you guys related?" Both, Tegan and I, both of us have the same reaction of pushing our heads a bit to the back and widening our eyes at Lindsey.
"Oh, God. I can see it." Sarah giggles, putting her hand on her mouth. "Are you really related and you're not telling us?"
"No. Stop." I say. "I don't even know her."
"She looks like my mum." Bitch-face blurts out and I really, truly, and honestly want to slap the shit out of her at this moment. "What?" She looks at me with dilated eyes. "My mum's hot, men are like worms after her, till now." Tegan rolls her eyes and both of the other women laugh.
"I forgot something." Emy declares all of a sudden and suddenly I remember that I have a girlfriend whom I cornered to the back of my mind and gave her my back in order to focus on my roommate. "Umm, Sarah will you come with me to the bathroom?" I sigh, knowing exactly what my girlfriend has forgotten.
"Emy, it's fine." I whisper to her as her face becomes heated with embarrassment and guilt.
"Babe, it's not." She shakes her head, turning her head with a frustrated sigh.
"I don't like when you call me babe." I whisper again.
"I need to use the bathroom." She utters exasperatedly and stands up quickly, not giving me a chance to say anything. Sarah follows her immediately and I know better not to follow because Sarah's her best friend, she's been her roommate for the past three years and I know she and Sarah are much closer than we are.
Tegan just sits in her place and sips from her liquor, she doesn't say anything at all. I respect that, I admire that about her, when she sees drama, she distances herself away.
"So, Tegan you're eighteen right?" Lindsey asks with her fake flirty smile that makes me boil inside.
"Turning eighteen in three days."
"You told me you're eighteen?" I jump in with a tone a bit too loud which makes a few heads turn.
"You told me you're twenty four." She shrugs with her stupid smug smile and her stupid wicked smirk.
"Fake ID?" Lindsey asks again, scooting closer to my bubble and to Tegan, who's sitting too close and inside Sara's own bubble. Tegan nods and makes that hot yes sound that really arouses me each time. "Nice bangs." I slam my drink a bit too hard on the table and paint on a smile as the two women look at me. I see what Lindsey's doing, she's inching her way inside my bubble and inside Tegan's pants.
"Thank you." Bitch-face answers her with the highest and the most fake octave I have ever heard. "Sara hates them." She looks at me again, wiggling her eyebrows, and I kick her leg underneath the table. She mutters the usual bitch she always does mutter and I smile at her with the exact amount of fake enthusiasm that everyone on this table has.
"Umm, excuse me." Lindsey stands up. You're excused, you can go to wherever you want, don't come back, that will be better. "I'll go say hi to someone." Tegan smiles politely at her and I pray to God she doesn't come back, like ever again.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tegan does the same to my leg and I return it again with more force, making her wince.
"Lindsey's bad news. Stay away from her." I warn, playing the innocent caring role that I pretend to be. Tegan squints her eyes and I go on elaborating, "She'll sleep with you for the fun of it and leaves you in the morning."
"I think you already know this is exactly what I do and what I want?" Tegan's confusion is apparent in her tone and I'm suddenly hit with the reality that this is how Tegan is and this is what she wants. I turn my head away and stop talking, because I don't know what to say anymore when I lost the argument. "What's up with your girlfriend?" Tegan asks, gaining my attention back.
"She forgot my gift." It doesn't really matter to me so I don't give it much attention. "She's probably crying in the bathroom that my birthday sucks, but I don't even care." I sigh and she nods.
"Looks like she cares." Tegan whispers, almost as if she's not sure if she should say these words.
"She does. I care about her too." I admit the true fact about Emy and I. We both care about each other even when upset or bored with each other. And I'm pretty sure this will stay till the end of time because before we dated, she was my friend, and she cares so I care. Tegan hums and the conversation dies again.
Emy took too long, Sarah did too. Lindsey is speaking to the other girls she hangs out with. I like to call them the plague of the lesbian community, these three monsters that Emy and I cannot stand at all.
As soon as the thought of my girlfriend comes to mind, she joins me. I look at her weak smile and puffy eyes. I lean in and peck her lips. "You're so cute when you're so caring." I whisper in her ear and she groans. "It's fine, Em." I whisper again as I feel heavy eyes scanning us and I know who's the owner of them, and this makes my heart beat faster and my selfish excitement grow larger. "Where's Sarah?" Emy cuts off my honest love and affection and I scowl. Tegan motions to Lindsey and Emy wrinkles her nose as she sees who is Sarah talking to.
"So um, this blonde with them. The one with the short hair." Tegan motions at the master of the plague and I feel myself almost hurling. "She keeps checking me out at university. Is she single?" Tegan asks and Emy and I instantly look at one another with the understanding that we both hold about how much we despise that woman in particular.
"You should probably stay away from Theresa." Emy says. "Biggest bitch on campus, I assure you."
"Not looking for a relationship, just saying." Tegan points it out again and Emy immediately understands because I've already told her about Tegan's nature of mating.
"Well," Emy shrugs, looking at me, she knows exactly why Theresa is so despised by me and she understands that. "We warned." She shrugs and looks at me again and I do the same thing, which leaves Tegan, obviously, confused and with a frown on her face.
Even though it was boring and highly uneventful, the night managed to move swiftly and smoothly as Tegan narrated a story after another about her friends or her childhood or her mother. What I grasped is that Tegan has a lot of friends, like a lot. Her guy friend, Jeremy, is her best friend, and he's the one she's always talking to on the internet. I also realized that her mother is a whore just like her. Tegan has like eleven step fathers or five, I don't know, I lost counting. But the most important thing that I discovered about Tegan and I hadn't even asked her about is that her father is the famous Stephen Quin who runs management and audit accounting companies all over Canada, and that's why Tegan's future after university is basically secured. So Tegan comes from money, even though she doesn't look like she does. She will probably have a bright future, and my dad had actually worked with hers on some deals.
"I want to make it up to you." I return to the reality I'm in again when I hear my girlfriend's voice as she's driving in a street out of lights and full of darkness. "That's what Sarah and I talked about in the bathroom." I focus on her as she focuses on the road. "We made a deal that Tegan spends the night in our room, and I spend the night in yours. She's going to convince Tegan right now, and I'm sure she's going to agree since she seems that she wants to sleep with every vagina owner around here."
I don't respond at first. I stay silent. I think about what my girlfriend has just said and I look at the road, and then at her again. "She just acts like that, but she doesn't really." I say the words I'm not sure of. Not because I want to defend Tegan, but because I have this strange tendency to make her look good to my girlfriend. "You have no idea how proper she acts around me, she doesn't act like that, it's just to get attention a bit." I lie once again and the image of Tegan's breast flashes inside my brain. I don't know why I'm doing this, and I know Tegan's behaviour is just as bad around me as it is around any other woman, or actually worse since she hasn't flashed my girlfriend yet.
"Mhmm." My girlfriend humms. "Okay, Tegan is not the topic here." I feel irritation in her tone, so I don't say anything. "You're okay with what I said first, right? Us in your room?" What kind of couple arranges having sex like that? It's always scheduled and it's always as if we're in a rush to get it out of our systems, and it's never out. My aging parents still have a much better sex life than Emy and I do, sadly, I know.
"Ya. It's fine with me." I say as if we have just arranged a meeting at a place and not a time and place to fuck without coming.
Now here we are in my room. We move around with only a dim light coming from the small lamp on my bedside table. She and I have never done any sexual act in bright lights, nor have seen each other naked underneath them. It's something I'm not quite comfortable with. It's just much more comfortable for me to focus on the feeling rather than see any parts of a different person's body. What I might see I might be repulsed with, and that's just not what I want. So yes, when Tegan showed me her boob this morning, it was the first time I see a boob with the light of the day, other than watching it in pornography for sure. The thing about porn is that if I'm repulsed by the body parts or the act, I can just change what I'm watching, and I actually enjoy reading porn rather than watching it. I also enjoy the playboy magazines type of porn, the magazines I'm hiding under my bed. As guilty as I feel, as turned on it gets me knowing I'm hiding something from other people.
Emy says something about wanting to please me since it is my birthday, though there's still a full hour until it is officially my birthday. I'm glad she offered to lead because I have a headache and I feel sleepy and tired.
"It was much easier when we joined the beds together." She whispers as she takes one item after another from the clothing I have on. "Are you cold?" She asks when I begin to shiver under her touch.
"Your hands are cold." I say, watching her pull my jeans down my legs. "Can we get underneath the duvet?" I ask, now my pupils focused on my girlfriend's wandering fingers, toying with the elastic of my underwear.
"Sure." She mumbles, pulling the soft fabric down my thin legs and I hurry in closing them. I get inside the warm duvet and watch her getting rid of her own clothes. She does it quicker than taking my own and without any hints of bashfulness the way I still display. Emy's body is too cold on my own warm skin and it makes me flinch and shiver even more. "I'm sorry." She whispers, planting a kiss on my jaw. "It's really hard to do things when we're restricted by the stupid duvet, Sara." I groan as a response and she sighs, kissing me again just a little bit under.
I'm uncomfortable and Emy's uncomfortable. My hands are both rubbing her arms as her lips swim across my chest. I try to relax, I try to breathe, I try to do everything I could to focus on the fact we're alone now, but I just can't, and all I can think of is Tegan fucking Sarah in the same building as we are fucking right now.
I feel my girlfriend's hand messing around, I feel it pinching the small pouch of my tummy, the way she always did when we first started having sex. It used to make me giggle, now it only made me gasp. She looks up at me with a smile and I look at her wet lips, realizing we haven't even kissed, realizing that, yes, this is exactly the kind of sex two people with a spark dead do have in order to prove each other wrong. When I don't smile at all, Emy returns her lips on my skin, taking one hard nipple between her lips and I gasp once again. Then I feel her sneaky digits making their way down to my mound and it hits me that I haven't shaved in two days and the hair can be felt when touched. And when Emy notices it, she smirks and looks up at me.
"How come?" My nipple detaches itself from her lips when she speaks.
"I..." I don't know why these things make me so shy around her. I've been having sex with her for about two years and I'm still coy about everything. I don't grow my pubic hair and when she witnesses its shy growth, it's a miracle, according to her. "I didn't think we'd have sex." I respond.
"You know too well I don't mind hair at all, so come up with a better lie next time." She takes my other nipple in her mouth and proceeds. The truth is, and I know she can tell, I'm just not in the mood to do all these things. And yes I didn't think we're gonna have sex, and that's the truth. I shave when I know I'm engaging in sex because I want to be fully clean, though Emy is bothered by how I think about it.
I gasp for the third time when Emy's digits all of a sudden are dancing between my lips. I'm not wet, not at all, so whenever I feel her pointing at my entrance, I wince and shake. "It's been so hard getting you wet lately." I lift my head and I look at her. I feel my heart beating harder than usual because what I heard shocks me. "You know what I'm thinking?" I can barely see her features in the dark, but I still manage to see her big eyes heavy on my own. I feel her own nipples on my own, and her digits are still desperately trying to squeeze the juices out of my system, but nothing, nothing of that turns me on. "I'm scared I'm not gonna make you come once again." She whispers and my heart's beating accelerates, and I know she can feel it too, I bet Tegan and Sarah can feel it too, I bet Tegan is feeling it while eating Sarah out, I bet she's laughing at me, I bet she's mocking me.
My mouth is too dry, so when I try to speak, words don't come out until I clear my throat. "You know?"
"I'm not stupid. I know when a vagina comes and when it doesn't, you're not that good at faking it, either. I'm sorry." She says, sighing, still trying to get me wet. "Tell me what are you thinking of?" I feel her thumb press on the hood of my clit.
"Tegan and Sarah fucking upstairs." What? What did I say? Why don't I ever think before I fucking speak? Once again, I opened my mouth and said what's in my brain. Smart, Sara, you're very smart.
A loud, very loud and strong sigh comes out of my girlfriend's lips and in a matter of a second I'm shivering again because she's no more on top of me, the duvet is no more covering me, and there are no clothes to shield me. "This is just not working." She sighs again and sits on my bed, both of us uncovered and I've never been a fan of conversations while naked and exposed. "What's up, Sara? What's happening to us? Why can't we just enjoy sex anymore?" She's now looking at me.
I reach for the duvet and cover my chest, she rolls her eyes at my action, but I do it anyway. "I don't know, maybe it's just, I don't know." I don't know how to tell her that this relationship is dying, but Emy's smarter than I am, I'm pretty sure she can see it.
"By the way, it's not only you who isn't enjoying it, me too. It's happening to me too." She points at herself as she speaks.
"Maybe we need like a little bit of change? Like trying new things?" I bite my lower lip. This is definitely the best chance to discuss a threesome, maybe she'd be so thrilled and we'd drag Tegan from Sarah's room and we'll have our threesome while Sarah stays alone in the cold and darkness right where she belongs.
"Wow, really? Sara Smith? Suggesting new things? Must be that bed in bed." Emy's sarcasm doesn't make me even smile. "What are you suggesting Ms. You go down on me and I fuck you with a strap for two straight years and for a change we'd finger each other in a dirty bathroom?
"Emy." I whine. I'm not like that. I'm not that boring in bed. Yes, I have my reservations, but I am not boring in bed. "Like a threesome?" I say again.
Emy laughs out loud, like really really loud that she looks like a pig choking on whatever pigs eat. "For fuck's sake, Sara. You're drunk."
"I'm not. I'm suggesting a threesome. For a change. Something fun and refreshing."
"You don't even accept shower sex. You don't even let me see you naked under a goddamn light." Emy's voice has gotten higher, and I'm not used to her yelling at me, so I back away with fear. "I don't mean to yell." I guess she can see it. "But Sara, do you know how a threesome is? It's basically you, me, and whoever else, all having sex at the same time. Have you actually seen a decent threesome with lights off and three women under the blanket too scared to touch each other because what if they caught germs or their vaginas were dirty? No that doesn't happen. And you'll have to push your face in someone's pussy, and you'll have to mingle in their sweat, and do these sexual things you think nasty." Emy rants and rants and I'm just sitting there only thinking about doing whatever she's ranting about to Tegan, and it fucking annoys the shit out of me that I'm not a bit annoyed nor repulsed by the idea of pushing my face in her cunt, and I bet she doesn't even shave. "Who do you even want us to have a threesome with? Like you're so shy, do you even have anybody in mind?"
"Tegan." I blurt out the woman of my thoughts.
As much as my eyes go wide at my revelation, Emy's narrow as we hit a point where discussion is just halted and only silence takes the place. Silence and looks from Emy I'm not too happy with.
"I see." She nods and gets off the mattress. "Looks like you're developing some sort of feelings towards her." Emy starts getting dressed, shaking her head.
"No, that's not it. You know I love you." I watch her getting dressed as fast as she can.
"I'll go get you your Tegan, maybe she can make you come." What the fuck? What's up with this bitch? What did I say? What did I do?
"Are you kidding me? Emy?" No, don't cry. Don't cry. Don't...fucking too late. "That's not what I meant. Come back here." Don't close the door. Well, fuck you.
So Emy just left me, and here I am alone crying like a little child that my girlfriend left me at midnight. She didn't even leave me with a proper happy fucking birthday you motherfucker and a slam of a door. No she just left me like that because I shared my desire to include Tegan in our bed. I'm pretty sure Tegan can spice it up, I'm pretty sure she can make sex fun for both of us again. And I cry again as the thoughts of Tegan fucking Sarah come to my mind, now my girlfriend just went there, and I'm sure she's going to join them and they will all have the threesome I want while unhappy little me stays here in her birthday, alone and sex deprived.
Few minutes pass and I'm still alone, naked, cold, and crying. So I get up and get myself dressed in my pajamas. I pick a stuffed snake and cuddle it while weeping in my pillow. I guess I'll wake up to mascara stains all over my pillow, I'll wake up to clean in my birthday, my fucking birthday. Great, just perfectly great, the exact birthday I want. My roommate fucking my girlfriend and her roommate and I'm asleep alone holding a stupid stuffed snake.
My crying is interrupted by my stupid, noisy, asshole roommate, shouting, "Sara, Sara, Sara." Wait...Tegan is calling my name. "What's wrong? What happened? Sara? Why are you crying? Why did Emy just murder my sleep and send me here to make you come? You wanna come? You want me to make you come?"
Bitch won't shut up, so I remove the cover and squint my eyes at her. She has tired eyes, and bed hair, she's holding her bra in her hand and her jacket in the other, and her nipples are greeting me behind her black top. Her jeans unbuttoned and her lips look swollen, she was totally having sex. I can't believe people younger than me are having sex more than myself, and this makes me cry more as I sit up and hug the snake.
"What's going on? Wow, you're actually crying. Did you guys fight?" She joins me on bed and I flinch when her hand comes in contact with my arm.
"Don't touch me with your dirty hands, I know where they've been." My hand move to wipe my ridiculously falling tears.
"Ya they've been on your girlfriend's pillow." She scoffs and I cry. "Just tell me what's wrong. She seemed really pissed."
"This is not working." I say, taking a breath. "We were about to have sex, and like you know, we were like in it, in the middle of it...It's just not working. What's happening to me? Why isn't it working anymore?"
Tegan doesn't say anything, she just sits there as I sob like a baby over my relationship. She yawns and rubs her eyes, I look at her once again and she sends me a lopsided smile. "You remind me of my mother, a lot." Upon this, I cry even more and she giggles. "I don't mean it in an offensive way. Just, you guys are so much alike, personality wise, the way you talk. When I saw you crying, I was just reminded of all these times I went into her room and she's sobbing like a child over a man who left her because there's just no love anymore, and even though she knows it, she just doesn't wanna let go." My sobs die down and now they're just soft whimpers and loud sniffles.
"I remind you of your mum and you wanna fuck me? You're weird." I say what's on my mind and she sighs. What now? I glare at her.
"Really? You left everything I said and focused on that?" I see her eyes rolling like there's no tomorrow, but I also see a shadow of a smile. "Well you're not my mother, so that's not weird." She shrugs. "Look, I just, I don't know. I have this strange tendency of wanting to take care of you or make you feel better the way I used to do to her." She chuckles. "Damn, I guess I miss my mum."
"Oh." I wipe more of my tears and look at her stupid, cute, smiling face. "So like are you attracted to me? Like do you wanna date me?" Tegan huffs and looks at me as if I said something really wrong.
She shakes her head. "I don't date, you know that. Yes I'm attracted to you, yes I wanna fuck you, but I don't date, because that action you're doing, is exactly what I don't want in a relationship. The whole drama and commitment, then love just ending all of a sudden. I don't want that."
"Oh." I say again.
I think I'm starting to understand Tegan, or where she's coming from. Her parents are divorced and her mother has relationship issues, which makes sense to me. For me, I grew up in a healthy, happy family, so not being loved, or my love ending is just a disaster to me that I can't accept, while for Tegan, it's just something normal, something that happens everyday. And that won't work for us. Even if I fell for Tegan and wanted to be with her, she wouldn't want to be with me because her mind is set on not dating any drama queen, which proudly, I hold the title of. And I still love Emy, but at the same time, I don't feel attracted to her as much as I am attracted to Tegan, this whole thing is just confusing me, It's stressing me out. I wish I'd know what it is I'm feeling, and what's happening between Emy and I. I'm pretty sure combining both Tegan and Emy in one bed will help me figure everything out and solve my feelings, but how can that happen when my girlfriend is mad at me for suggesting it?
Tegan moves her hand again and puts it above my own, and before I can pull away in disgusted horror, she snorts and shakes her head. "Relax, my hands are totally clean. All I did was sleep in your girlfriend's bed, I didn't do anything with them, promise." Her cute pouty lips become even poutier, and finally, I am somehow, wet. "But look how I'm holding your hand even though I know exactly where they've been?"
"Well that's because you're a slut." I bite my lip and close my eyes as soon as I realize the offense that escaped my tongue. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that." She nods at me. "You didn't sleep with Sarah? How come?" I ask what's on my mind and her head shakes in a silent laugh that ends in a snort.
"I'm so not attracted to her. Not my type. I know you think I go around and sleep with every vagina owner, but that's not how it works. I have to be attracted to the woman first, and there has to be some sort of connection or sexual tension between us, you know." She winks at me and I blush so hard. Thank god we're sitting in darkness, otherwise, she would have just laughed at my crimson cheeks.
"Oh." I whisper. "And you're attracted to me." My girly bashful giggle escapes in a very high tone, that she giggles along with. I move my fingers to erase the remnants of drying tears. She lets go of my hand and stands up. I immediately miss her touch, and miss her bacteria-filled hand.
"Sleep now. We both have early classes." She yawns again and gets inside her blanket. "Oh, and happy birthday, by the way." She shoots me a flying air kiss and I giggle like a school girl once again.
"My hands aren't dirty, by the way." I pick a random thing to say to her, because I don't want us to stop chatting. "They weren't where you think they were. Emy's hands were in my..." Another fierce blush creeps through my skin and so I change the words. "They were where you think they were." I whisper sheepishly and she snorts once again. "So if she touched you with them, I'm sorry."
"Oh, really?" She cackles, and I laugh. "She totally did." Tegan pauses. "And I totally don't mind it now that I know." She sends me a wink and I turn off the light from the lamp because I feel too embarrassed to look into her eyes. "Good night, cutie." She says and I hold back a squeal.
"Good night." I whisper, and we both sigh in content.