Impediments

by poemsandroses

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds, or bends with the remover to remove." Trigger Warnings: Physical violence or physical abuse throughout the whole story. Please keep that in mind.

4. Chapter 4

Hello. So this is the new chapter of this story. I'm back to updating in here for now, and if I see the atmosphere suitable, I'm probably going to stay since the uploading and editing method on this site is amazing. Very simple, easy, and quick. Trigger warning again for physical abuse or physical violence. Especially in this chapter. Please keep that in mind. Enjoy xo

Tegan

Do you ever wake up in the morning, have an extremely monotonous start, and you think to yourself; man, that day is going to be boring and too long? You do what you do and the day just doesn't pass. But all of a sudden, in that boring day, something happens that can change your whole life. Your whole damn life. And I'm not talking about winning the lottery or finding a diamond ring and selling it, finding the love of your life, or any of these trivial matters. No, no, no. I mean something that will literally change your whole life.

Here I am, standing here, mouth wide open, pupils threatening to crawl out of their holes and jump on that place where a beauty is sitting on, with the same shocked expression, except her face, and I am positive, is as crimson as that of blood.

This morning I woke up and Sara, the dearest devil, awoke as well. I showered, she cleaned, then she showered, and I prepared breakfast for both of us. We ate quickly, and each went their separate ways. We met again for lunch, where Emy surprised Sara and joined us. They made up, and I was the witness of the sex talk I wasn't supposed to hear, nor even wanting to hear. What I grasped is that Sara is pretty square in bed, and that's what's killing the spark. I know Sara's innocent, I know she blushes with every thread of flirtation, and I only know she's wet most of the time because I can read people pretty well from their body language...But this...This, I also knew Sara has some dark side, as this.

The relationship with me and my dearest, loveliest, and most precious devil is one of uncertainty, one of mystery, one of desire, of thirst, of need. I crave this woman, all of me craves her to the point I cannot touch another, because I really just want to touch her to get it out of my system. I know once I put my hands on her, she'll be past news to me like each and every woman, but there's this shy piece of humanity inside of me that's making me go like, what if? What if she becomes a source of comfort to my desires and whims? What if she becomes more? I've never fallen in love, I've only had one crush, and I was about ten, and it's scaring me to imagine that Sara might be a crush, but I hope she's nothing but a stubborn, evil bitch who is so nice but so annoying at the same time. And that really turns me on, which is why I watch her closely, and want to ravish her against these corners of the room we're sharing.

Getting back to the point, so what's the relationship that Sara and I share? Well, that remains a mystery like I have said, because I know she's floating in her lust around me, and I'm aroused to the peeks of insanity when she looks at me. I want to fuck her, she knows it, she entertains the idea of me wanting to fuck her, yet she doesn't let me. So it's some type of a weird relationship. And the reason I'm calling it a relationship is that the human in me wants to take care of her, wants to cuddle with her, and wants to kiss her, as ugly as that sounds, as flowerish as it seems in my head. I believe that Sara Smith is going to be the death of me.

So getting back to my boring day, my long, unproductive boring day, that made me leave work early with a delicious chocolate cake and an espresso for sweet Sara, intending to surprise her and give her something to relish her birthday with. Going back to that. But I am standing here, what was in one hand is now on the floor, because my hand is too busy covering my mouth in shock with the sight I've never really expected to ever see. The sight that changed and is still changing my life for the better.

I yelled surprise, but I came in the wrong timing, and the surprise was, she also came in the wrong timing, she came when I came. And now she's staring at me with her small teary eyes because I did not only witness her coming, but I witnessed her coming on top of the poor, poor, so damn poor teddy bear she was straddling on the bed...In clear daylight.

I am a bad person, I start laughing when her tears start rolling down her eyes. "I knew you had a wild side. I knew it." I scream in triumph now that I recovered, just a bit from my utter shock.

But Sara, oh God, poor, young, naive, little Sara, she sobs and stands up, and I see it, I see the wet patch on the crotch of her navy briefs, darker than the rest of the fabric, and glistening in front of my weak eyes. I laugh more because I'm too fucking shocked to function. But that's rude, and I can't stop laughing, and her body is tantalizing. I can't stop scanning. Her bra is not doing her full breasts justice, I wish I walked in on her riding that bear naked, I wish she was masturbating in nudity when I walked in, but it's like she almost knew I would walk in, and so she was covered.

For a start, I know Sara masturbates when I'm out. Obviously when you have erotica, playboy magazines, and porn DVDs, you do masturbate, but I thought, perhaps, she and Emy enjoyed these together. Sara always portrayed innocence and naivety, but I knew she had a wild side by that shift of her thighs when she's sitting near me, by that look in her eyes when I'm half naked around her, by that tongue of her which speaks before a thought could be processed in her mind. I knew she had a wild side buried inside a stubborn, prude, and a timid young woman. That wild side had yet to be discovered, and I am honoured to be the one who has finally discovered that wild, animalistic side that enjoys fucking stuffed animals while staring at a nude woman from a magazine. The wild side of my dearest tormentor, Sara Smith.

But all of a sudden Sara is in the bathroom and I'm alone still speechless with my excited and thrilled thoughts. Sara left and I didn't say anything but laugh and point at her, and I feel insanely terrible, because that's not the person I want to be in front of her. I'm not a bitch, well at least not to her.

I put the espresso on on my desk and pick up the bag of the cake. I don't wanna look inside, because I'm sure the real victim in this situation is this delicious sweet cake. I put it next to the coffee and I walk to Sara's bed. I look at the bathroom's door and I know it's locked, and I also know Sara is sobbing from embarrassment in there. I look down at the bed and I see the poor stuffed animal.

Before I could realize what I'm doing, I pick it up and my smirk is too wide to even comprehend that Sara's standing in front of me, fully clothed. I drag the face of the inanimate animal to my nose and I sniff the scent of Sara's juices. My eyes can see Sara, but somehow my mind can't stop what my nose is doing. I bet her pussy tastes as nice as it smells. I'm in a daze, so I close my eyes and I get smacked across the head with the same bear that was once in my hands. "That's perverted." I snap out of my stupor and blink a few times. Sara in the same clothing she has worn this morning, her eyes are red and mascara-smudged, her voice is hoarse, and that's the first, and probably the last time I will see Sara in some state of messiness, because even when she wakes up, she's neat.

"You know if you wanna ride someone's face so much, I offer my fabulous visage." I don't know why I'm saying this, I don't know why I tease her the way I do, but each time her face mixes with bashful colours, and each time she inhales a breath of irritation, I feel the power I've always sought for, and this power turns me on, as twisted as that is. "Or maybe you wanna scissor? Not the best position, but I'd do it just for you." I raise my eyebrows and smile the devilish smile I perfect so well. And Sara, oh boy, she's boiling, boiling, boi...Owww...I look at my body as my back hit the edge of my bed after Sara has just shoved me with all her force that I fell.

I look up at her standing form and the pain in my lower back, my irrational impulse, and my anger, all combine to form a monster out of me, tackling the weaker woman and shoving her across the ground as well. "You fucking ass." I yell at her and my hand starts finding any spot it could to hit and scratch. I want to stop it, but I can't. She's squirming, covering her face, and I think even crying, but my beast just won't calm down and suddenly, she's on her stomach and I'm sitting on her bum and I'm pulling her hair. "You fucking psycho, you fucking bitch. You have issues." Even though I know I should be directing these words to myself, and I feel so ashamed, but I can't stop.

"Stop. Fucking, stop. Please stop." And I can hear her muffled sobs as I pull her shirt and push it up her head to ban her from shaking. I'm a fucking monster, and I can't stop doing what I'm doing.

When Sara clams down and stops making so much noises, I calm down as well. I blink, once, twice, thrice, and I realize where I am, what I'm doing, and who am I doing it to. "Oh my god." I whisper in disbelief to myself. "I'm so sorry." I stand up and try to help her up.

Sara refuses my hand and stands up on her own. I've never seen this type of fury in her eyes, the way she looks at me makes me feel so small, so bad, so awful. I don't usually feel like hating myself, but now I really do because I can already see her arm starting to bruise, and I'm pretty sure her back will too, and I feel so sick with myself and my doing I can't even say anything. "You know, you don't have to make fun of me everytime. It fucking sucks. Some people actually have feelings, believe it or not." I didn't expect to hear that. I didn't even know I was making fun of her. When did I ever make fun of her? I don't remember at all. I just teased her the way she did to me, we're equal, but Sara's too soft, too damn sensitive. She's a bitch to me as well and I'm okay with it, what makes it different for her? I don't understand it, I don't get it.

I watch her walking away with a shake and a shiver, and I think I now know what guilt really is. I've only felt bad with myself when someone insulted me, but never felt bad when I insulted someone, or hurt someone, because I've always believed whoever I hurt, they did deserve it. But now I don't really know anymore. Look at her, walking to the bathroom with fresh underwear and clothes and her whole body is shivering, she's like a baby deer and I'm the fucking lion who just attacked her. And what's killing me more is that she's not fighting back, she doesn't care that I hit her, she doesn't care that her skin is bruising because of me, and she's not saying anything back, she's not hitting me back. Why isn't she hitting me back? Why isn't she saying anything?

And that's how the rest of the night went. Sara didn't speak to me at all and I felt too ashamed to speak to her. I couldn't sleep all night, and now it's probably dawn and I'm still tossing and turning on the warm mattress. All I can think of is Sara's face when I came in, her features, the way the orgasm invaded her complexion slowly, creeping on every spot of skin, removing the paleness and attacking it with a scarlet hue. The way her eyes squeezed and the way her soft voice let out pleasured whimpers. And I remember how her toes curled and how her hands gripped the ears of the bear she was straddling as if they were someone's hair she's holding for dear life. These thoughts kept racing back and forth all night, I put myself in place of the stuffed animal and imagined it was my face she's hugging with her full thighs, and I also remembered her heady scent till I pooled in my underwear and couldn't do anything about it because the owner of my fantasies was not only sleeping beside me, but also breathing heavily that for a moment during my struggle of sleep, I began to worry she's not getting any oxygen in her asthmatic lungs.

I sigh and turn to my side, facing her, and also staring at her after turning my lamp on. After she got up an hour ago and went to the bathroom, she's been worrying me even more because her sleep seems troubled. And now that I'm looking at the sweat coating her brow, and hearing the soft snores leaving her parted lips, I'm beginning to feel more guilty and more anxious. What if I hurt her so bad? What if I caused her so much pain? What if she's having a terrible nightmare about me being an abusive person? I am terrible, seriously terrible, and I feel bad, really, really bad.

And Sara, I mean, why did she only comment on me making fun of her and not me hitting her? Why didn't she say anything about that? Why didn't she tell Emy? Or yell, or say something? I can't sleep, and I can't close an eye knowing what I've done, and not even knowing how she's feeling about it. I have to tell someone, but I know that's the worst time to tell anyone, nobody's awake, and I can't even tell my mother that, and I don't even have a friend in here besides her, and Jeremy is for sure asleep at the moment. Why can't I stop thinking? Why can't I close an eye? I hate you for making me feel this way, Sara Smith. I truly do.

I groan and push my face more in my pillow upon hearing the grating noise of Sara's alarm. She usually shuts it off as soon as it rings and starts making lots of noises until I get up and pause for like half an hour until I realize I have to get ready to go to my classes. But now the damn noise won't end, the ringing won't stop, and I'm quite positive the evil bitch is doing that on purpose as revenge for what I have done yesterday. "For fuck's sake, shut this thing off. Put it on snooze." Wait, yesterday, oh yes, yesterday. I hit her yesterday, and we weren't talking, and she was having a bad sleep and I barely slept.

I remove my blanket to take a peek at Sara and I find her still lying in bed, eyes tightly shut and legs curled. "Sara?" I mouth, but the alarm is too loud for her to hear. I reach out for it and finally murder its disturbing voice. "Sara?" I call again, now hearing her troubled breaths. "Do you want your puffer?" I start looking for it, and I find it on her bedside table, next to a glass of water and some pills I'm not sure what they're for. "Are you alright?" Sara doesn't answer me, but I see her shivering and I figure out she's asleep, or pretending to be asleep. Her sweatpants has risen up in her slumber, revealing her goosebumped calves. Her arms are slightly reddish where I hit them, a scratch on her left forearm. "Don't you have a class?" When she doesn't answer after a few seconds of my provided patience, I sigh and begin to get ready.

My shower is short and my breakfast is interrupted by Sara's sudden rush out of bed to the bathroom. I think she just realized she has to go to her class and is for sure running late, she didn't even clean today. I eat more of my cereal and watch more of the early morning cartoons and Sara's still in the bathroom. She has never taken this long to shower, maybe she doesn't want to see me? She probably hates me. I mean, she kinda hit me first...Okay, Tegan who are you justifying your brutal actions to? Bad, Tegan. Bad, bad, Tegan.

The knocks on the door make me halt my self-reprimanding thoughts, make me get up and open it for who I expected, Sara's girlfriend who does everything with her but be a girlfriend, Emily Storey. "Morning." I mouth back to her after I realize she's smiling so cheerily at me I'm pretty sure even the damn sun is disturbed by that happy smile.

"Where's Sara?" She looks around with her so fucking happy voice. It makes me want to vomit. Why are some people so fucking joyous in the damn morning? Be bitter, live in the moment.

I motion towards the bathroom and she nods. "She's been in there for the past forty minutes, I think she died." I say casually as I try to get my attention back on the TV.

"Oh." She whispers and walks towards the bathroom. "Sara? Are you still in the shower? You're gonna be pretty late for Math." I look at the watch on my wrist and I gasp as I realize I'm running late. I get up and take my bowl to the sink, when I do, the bathroom's door opens, Emy vanishes through the hole, and the door closes. I hear some sort of a voice, which I'm sure it's Sara's whiny voice moaning, and I don't really wanna stay hearing the show of Emy and Sara getting it on in the bathroom. Evil witch, Sara Smith, is probably planning to annoy me on purpose, or she really has a fetish with bathroom sex. I mean, she's kinky, now I can use that against her all the time, and she'll end up pushing me to the ground, and I'll hit her again, so that's a bad idea, I won't do that. I still feel guilty about yesterday.

Friday is a busy day at the cafe'. People with absolutely no life keep ordering coffees. Businessmen who I have no idea what they're doing in this area at this time invade the place instead of students who neglect it on Fridays. I've been standing on my feet since the morning, they're killing me, all I want is a nice bath and some good sleep. People usually go out on Fridays, but I just love to chill in the empty dorm when I return. Sara and Emy go on dates on Fridays, and I stay alone and watch a film or play in Sara's PlayStation till I'm too sleepy.

I don't usually take coffee for Sara and only take a cake for me, but tonight, I quite still feel some hints of guilt even though I haven't seen or heard from Sara at all today. I didn't even see Emy around campus. I saw Lindsey and Sarah walking together, however, therefore I ran in the opposite direction since their company is rather throttling. Anyway, I end up walking towards the dorm with a cupcake and Irish nut creme for Sara, I hope she'll forgive me with bribery if she's there. I forgive me, so she should.

When I walk in, I see Sara and Emy both on Sara's bed, sitting, with the phone attached to Emy's ear. "She keeps vomiting, I'm sure it's stomach flu, she has a fever."

"I'm pretty sure it's food poisoning. Fuck these tacos." Sara whines and her girlfriend hushes her.

"I brought you..." I bring up the cup in front of her pale face. "And a cupcake. All for you."

"No, no, no. Keep these away." Emy pushes my hands away and I stumble while stepping back. "Hold on, Jessica." The fucking bitch says and looks at her other fucking bitch who's scowling at me. "Don't you dare, you know what this does to your stomach when it's upset." She turns to me. "She's really sick, coffee makes her throw up and gives her a stomachache, she already has that. So please..." She trails off as I nod and step away, already drinking the delicious coffee I brought Sara as she eyes me with with squinted lids. "That's Sara's roommate. Yes, she told you about her?" I furrow my brows as my eyes land on Emy's back of the head. "Ya, she brought her coffee. No she doesn't know she's sick. Ya, ya. Yes, she's very nice." My eyes fly to Sara and I see her eyebrows raised as she's staring at me. We both know what that means, and honestly, it makes me blush, because I'm anything but nice, especially after what I have portrayed yesterday. "Sara, do you want to talk to your mum now?" So that's Sara's mum on the telephone? Holy fuck, I forgot Sara has a mum, I never saw her speaking to her. And it seems that she doesn't want to do that after shaking her head. "She's just really tired. She insists it's food poisoning, but I know it's not. She just has a sensitive stomach from the clean obsession she has. I know, I told her. Your mum says are you sure this is not just your regular stress stomachache? Like everytime?" Sara huffs loudly and pushes her face in her pillow. "Okay, I think this time it's not, I mean it's not only a stomachache, she's actually vomiting, Jessica." Why the fuck is Emy talking to Sara's mum as if they're friends? I will never get these people. "Alright, I will. Bye. Yes. Alright, ya, ya I know. Bye."

Emy turns to me with half a smile as I stuff my face with the cupcake on my place on the sofa. Sara lies on her bed and closes her eyes. "So, what's up?" I say with my mouth full, and Sara opens her death-promising eyes to glare at me.

"She's just a bit sick." Emy says and looks at her girlfriend. "Sara, what are these bruises on your arms?" My eyes go wide as Emy takes one arm to inspect it. "I saw them in the morning but forgot to ask." She studies the now terribly visible bruises and I feel myself swimming in guilt.

"I fell yesterday in the shower." She mumbles like it's nothing and my heart beats like it's everything, and it is everything because what I've done is just sick and as much as I try to joke about it in my mind, I know my face continues turning yellowish as I realize what I've actually done. It's all fun and games when she's on top of you and her hands are wrapped around your neck and it's getting you turned on, but there's just a thin line between that and between beating her senseless just because she pushed me down. I'm not sure where that came from, but I'm sure I will never forget I've done it if I'm being quite honest.

"You're so clumsy." Her girlfriend giggles and kisses the purplish skin.

I am not in the mood to finish what I'm gulping or eating anymore, and suddenly I feel so small and so stupid, so damn stupid I can't even sit with them. I walk to the bathroom without making much noise, since when did I become an abusive person? I can justify it, I can give millions of reasons to why this particular woman ignites these mysterious fires inside of me and drags me to do things I haven't done, but I can't really give a solid reason to why I hit her the way I did. I don't really cry much, but now I feel like crying, even though the tears won't accept to fall out of my lids. I want to make it better to her, I want to feel better about what I have done, and I know that's selfish, but I don't think I'll sleep or close an eye without her saying it's fine and she forgives me, without her smiling and teasing me once again.

After moments of contemplation under a cold spray of water, I return to the room to find Emy's still in her exact position, but Sara is calmly asleep and heavily breathing. Emy puts a finger to her mouth and shushes any possible noise that I might make. I look at my roommate and not only my guilt eats me up, but something similar to that of jealousy strikes me when I see her hand holding her girlfriend's hand. Hopefully it's the heat of the moment that makes my stomach drop, but realizing that Emy and Sara are still in love just shredded all my fantasies about that woman and threw them lying scattered under my feet. My green eyes won't stop staring at that grip of love that I have never felt, nor will ever feel, and that actually makes me want to cry more. Even when their love is ending they still care about one another, and nobody has ever cared about me, and I don't know why it's hurting me just now out of all the times I've seen love in front of my eyes and mocked it.

"Come with me. Let her sleep." My eyes are up again and sternly staring at the woman I'm beginning to find a rival in. I don't react for a couple of seconds till she drags me by the hand out of my room and into the corridor. "Sorry, I just need to talk to you about something." I nod and follow Emy through the halls of the dormitory. "So since my girlfriend is seriously clueless, when I gave her the silver chain with the silver guitar pick as a pendant, she didn't realize it was a hint of her actual gift." I listened while walking to Emy's dorm with her. "I want it to be a surprise, I want her to wake up in the morning and find the guitar next to her."

"It's not Christmas." I don't know why I said that, but everything about Emy being the girlfriend I thought she's not is bothering me.

"It doesn't have to be Christmas to surprise people you care about, you know?" I sense irritation in the woman's octave, and I honestly don't blame her. I am irritating. "I know she's really stressed. I feel kinda bad. Today she dragged me in the bathroom telling me to beg her mother to be okay with her quitting college. I don't know what happened all of a sudden, she seemed pretty upset. Do you know what's wrong?" By now I'm not sure if Emy can see through me and is investigating through wit and wickedness to get to me and slap me across the face for laying a hand on her girlfriend, or is just simply questioning me.

"No. I don't. Why would you call her mother though? Why were you the one talking to her mother?"

"She's angry because her parents yelled at her when she called them at six in the morning telling them she's quitting uni." Emy sighs. "That's basically Sara's anger. She'll just wake up tomorrow forgetting everything and she'll talk to them again. She's got a white heart, never holds a grudge."

"You love her?" Again, I don't know why I asked, but the fire in my heart is awfully burning every sense of sanity I once owned, it's starting to drag me through ambiguous abysses of feelings I have never encountered.

"Well of course I do. I mean yes, we're basically breaking up and we both know it, but I will always love her. She's my best friend before being my girlfriend." Emy shrugs and the fire is extinguished. Did I just hear what I heard? Am I smiling? Oh god, why am I happy? Why do I feel better? I don't like Sara that way. I just want to sleep with her, and after what I've done yesterday I doubt she wants to sleep with me.

Sara wants love, I don't give love. I want sex, Sara doesn't give sex. It's never gonna be solved.

Sarah, Lindsey, and Theresa are standing outside of Emy's and Sarah's room when we reach. Honestly, they're a replica of that new film Mean Girls. The way they're standing, scanning us, staring at us up and down. It's repulsive, and I'm like a magnet to their scrutinizing stares. I go there and join their circle while Emy goes inside to get that guitar. My eyes on the blonde and her smile is wide.

"This is Tegan, we told you about her." Lindsey says and smiles at me, I smile back and lick my lower lip.

"What's her face's roommate?" I nod even though I'm not really concentrating on what she's saying. "Oh, poor you. Out of all people you were roomed with that stupid loser?" Before I think of nodding, my brows wrinkle and the charm slowly disappears.

"I still don't know what Emy sees in her. She's totally blinded. She keeps dragging the bitch everywhere we go. Like we wanna talk and be us and dummy has to be there." I look at Sarah and I feel lost.

"I'm pretty sure she did some witchcraft to let someone fall for her and finally take her virginity away." Theresa says and my eyebrows raise. Is this junior high? Is this the sequel to Mean Girls? Where are the cameras and the director?

"You're not gonna tell her we said that, Tegan, are you?" Lindsey's nervous chuckle gives me an idea. If I want to win the game, I have to play them game. I smirk and shake my head.

"Of course not. Why would I?" I wink at Lindsey and Theresa pushes my shoulder to make me face her. Talk about possessive bitches.

"So, Tegan. Is Sara being an annoying little girl to you? Want me to deal with it?" Okay, someone is obsessed with Sara, I see.

"Last time you dealt with it you got Emy to date her, so no thank you." Sarah's angry tone makes the passers in the hallway look at the circle of us mean bitches while passing by.

"Aren't you like sleeping with her? Why are you so sad about it?" Okay, what did I just hear? Who's sleeping with who? Sarah looks at me with dilated eyes and from the corner of my angry ones I can see Theresa's wicked gaze.

"I won't tell, don't worry." I give her the most fake assuring smile I have ever mastered. She relaxes and thanks me.

"See, this girl right here is smart." Theresa's hand is suddenly on my shoulder, giving it a rub, one of those flirty ones I do well. "Unlike stupid Sara." She continues. "That's what everyone calls her here, by the way. Like come on, seven years and still can't graduate university? I wonder how she graduated high school." Hearing all that is new to me. Since I came here I viewed Sara as someone other than this. She didn't seem stupid to me at all, naive? Yes, but stupid? Definitely not. But now I'm hearing that, all that hate, all that talking behind her back, I am shocked. I didn't think Sara's weak, or see her as someone weak. I didn't think she's hated...by her own friends, but now it's lain in front of me. Sara is a victim of backstabbing, and I am standing with these backstabbers.

"I bet her rich daddy bribed his way to get her to college. Rich girls always get what they want." Evil Sarah rolls her eyes and I can see how much she despises good Sara by every black dot in her irises. I see envy, I see hatred, I see irritation, all mixing and boiling together.

Emy leaves the room with a black and blue acoustic guitar. I see honesty in her blue irises, but I'm probably deceived with them. I notice she didn't say hi to her friends, and doesn't say hi at all, she motions for me to follow her and I go, shrugging on purpose to the circle of bitches before following. "That's pretty. Does she play?" I don't know anything at all about guitars, but I try now to be fake and friendly to Emy, just to get where I want.

"Yes, she's been eye-fucking it for about a month whenever we go to the music store. She plays the keyboard. She's seriously good. She writes songs as well." Emy's honesty is killing me. I hate it so fucking much because I know it's fake.

"Why are you cheating on her?" I ask out of nowhere. Actually out of every raging part inside of me that carries bits of care towards Sara. I don't really know where do they stem from, but they're there, the same way they are present when a man breaks my mother's heart. I hold that same tender care in me even though I am a hypocrite who hurt the innocent woman as well.

"Excuse me?" Emy furrows her brows and halts her movement in the middle of the stairs.

"You're cheating on Sara and you say you love her. What the fuck? She's so faithful to you, if your love is done just break up, or don't cheat on her." Honestly, I have no idea where is this coming from, but it makes me feel good.

"Okay. Who the fuck told you I'm cheating on Sara? Cause I'm pretty sure I'm not." She seems confused, looking at me as if I'm dumb, which I feel like I am, and by now I don't really care if she knows her roommate was the source of these spicy information or not.

"They were all just talking about how you and Sarah, your roommate Sarah, are sleeping together. Look I'm not supposed to say that to anyone, but like what the fuck?"

"Is that what they're saying? Oh my god." Emy erupts in laughter and my confusion is expanding by the second. "Okay, they either meant to say that to you on purpose, so you go tell Sara and that will break us up, or Sarah's spreading rumours that she's sleeping with me. She's in love with me. Just ignore it. I'm not sleeping with anyone, not even with my own Sara, if you want it raw and real." I don't know who and what to believe by now. I just continue walking as Emy resumes the movement of her feet.

"I'm seriously confused." Emy looks at me. "Why do they hate Sara so much? Why are you all friends? They seemed so bitchy."

Emy stops again and sighs. I prepare myself for the story I'm sure I'm going to hear. "Theresa's sick. She's still stuck in junior high somehow. Sara's too weak for her, therefore she was the catch. They dated four years ago. Don't tell Sara I told you this, but Sara's kinda too shy, to the extreme, she believes in all of that special first time and love making and these stuff." As if I didn't know. "So of course Sara didn't sleep with her, and Theresa was always making fun of her and talking about how she's still a virgin to everyone. Sara called it off, and that damaged Theresa's pride so she started making fun of Sara and embarrassing her wherever they're at the same place. One time at a bar it was really awful, she kept telling some douchebags about her being a virgin and they made a bet on who will get her drunk and sleep with her, even though they all knew she's a lesbian."

"Wow." We are in Mean Girls. Holy shit. "What happened?"

"Well we didn't let it happen. I mean she got so wasted but her old roommate, who introduced us, didn't let anybody touch her. I started having feelings for her when she kept mouthing dirty stuff to me in the car." I see the sides of Emy's cheeks blaze with redness and I try not to laugh thinking of drunk Sara with a dirty mouth.

"Sara talking dirty to you?" By the smile on Emy's face, I can tell she understands why I'm surprised, and I'm glad she understands why I am, in fact, surprised.

"That was the only time." Emy's sad sigh makes me hold a giggle. I think I'm beginning to wish I was in Emy's place. I wonder how it feels and what it feels to bed Sara and shower her tender skin with kisses.

"I feel bad for Sara. She's so nice, they're such bitches to her. I feel like I wanna seek revenge in her behalf." I share what's on my mind as we reach my room.

"Ya, well you have something in mind? Because I'm starting to hate my friends for what you just told me." Emy does care about Sara, and even though that's a good thing, it's still an impediment to get to Sara.

"How about I make the Theresa bitch fall in love with me and then..." Both of my hands imitate a motion of something vanishing after an explosion.

"That bitch doesn't love. She just wants to fuck. I hate those people." I stand in my place and Emy moves the knob. I revise what she has just said in my head only to be given a summary about myself. I am not like that woman who spreads hate, I am nothing like her. I don't like to be categorized in the same rank as her. The non-lovers, abusive fuckers, I don't want to be that. "I'm sorry, didn't mean to offend you. You're a good person, I'm sure you just do what you do because you haven't found love yet, otherwise you wouldn't be so caring." Emy whispers and my heart flutters. Aww Emy, now I like you. But I don't think I'll ever find love. I mean mother found love with father and they've been separated since ever. So what's the use anyway if love doesn't last?

Emy rests the guitar on the wall on Sara's left, right besides the closet. Sara's still asleep and softly wheezing through troubled lungs. "Good night." Emy whispers and smiles at me. I mouth it back and sit on my bed. What a long day, full of details about this cutie sleeping in my room. I want to know more and more, but first, I want her to forgive me. Hopefully in the morning I'll try my best. Right now, I'm tired, I just want to change my clothes and close my eyes.

Before the morning comes, before I think of understanding what's happening, before the sun rises, before it's time to wake up, and in the middle of the night, perhaps a bit before dawn, I hear noises and I wake up. Sara's on her bed, eyes closed, coughing, aloud. The room is too dark to see, the moon is still out there, and I don't know what time it is, I reach for the lamp and turn it on. I see Sara struggling to breathe, sweat trailing on her forehead, still asleep but hardly in peace. I get up and touch her arm. "Sara? Wake up. I think you're having an attack in your sleep." I shake her just a little bit and she begins opening her eyes. When she finally does, and is finally aware of what's happening, a forced gasp escapes her mouth and in a flash of seconds, only seconds, Sara has covered both herself and I with puke.

I am getting sick at the smell and the sight. My t-shirt is full of the undigested food she just hurled, and all her mattress as well as her clothes are covered with it too, and she won't stop. She continues vomiting and it takes me and her a while to realize what's happening. By now I'm not sure if she's having an attack or is puking her guts out only, or both. But I do the best thing I can do and pull her to the bathroom. I notice she's still pretty unaware and in the daze of her slumber when she stumbles. I catch her before she falls and help her to the bathtub. She looks at me and blinks a few times when I start aiming the shower head to her feet and legs, which are covered in the contents of her stomach. She whimpers a little bit, and I'm not sure if it's because of the cold water or the fact she's now aware of what's happening and is now fully awake.

"Take off your clothes." I say quickly to her, but she pushes my hand away. "I'll clean everything, I'll get you some clothes, take these off." I say again and leave the room. I switch on the light and look, as well as smell, the mess my roommate has just caused. The carpet between our beds is full of her puke, as well as her mattress. I remember I'm as well dirty and grab myself another sports bra and new pajamas. As for Sara, I honestly don't know what to get her. Clothes and underwear, I know, but I'm scared of touching her undergarments, she might yell at me. But she can't really yell at me for wanting to help her. I hear her gagging from the bathroom and I feel even worse, I seriously hate throwing up. I open her underwear drawer and take a peek, and I know I must be looking like a little child searching for candy in their mother's kitchen, I see the variety of underwear that I didn't expect. Feminine and masculine variety all in that one drawer, from boxers to lace, from briefs to thongs. All well arranged according to type and colour. I choose simple black briefs and move on to the drawer beneath that one. Also struck by variety of bras, but I don't look more, I just grab the thin black bra and close it. I know she likes to sleep in these types of bras rather than the padded ones, and I don't blame here, these are comfortable.

I walk to the bathroom again and when I enter, I see her in her undergarments, in front of the mirror, washing her face. I pause and stand at the door. I'm afraid to look and afraid to make a sound, but I can't help but take in the art that is her form. I've only seen it two days ago, when I caught her, but I didn't pay much attention to the creamy skin, to the fullness of her thighs, to the gentle width of her hips, the roundness of her breasts, to her lovely arms, and the shy pouch of meat of her belly. I didn't notice all that, the femininity she possesses in her body is astonishing, and I am mesmerized by her beauty. I can't even speak until she looks at me, reaching a hand over her chest in a useless attempt to cover up. "Uh...I'm sorry. I brought you clothes." I hand her what's in my hands. I don't know why I'm blushing, or stuttering, that's not me. But her flushed face is contagious and I am starting to catch whatever fever she's spreading to my non-immune body. "I'm sorry I had to go through your underwear drawer, I know you hate that." I speak really quickly and I think I catch some ghost of a smile, but as soon as I blink, it disappears.

"It's okay. Thank you." She whispers so politely and so nicely I want to rip my heart out and lay it at her feet for her to step on it. How did I lay a hand on her? How did I even think her evil? I'm the evil bitch, not Sara. "If you don't mind." She whispers again, holding out her clothes. I nod and leave the bathroom, closing the door behind.

I take the chance and get myself rid of my t-shirt and my sweatpants, I throw them near the bathroom's door and I walk to my own bras drawer and fetch another one. I sigh as I look at the puke everywhere again, the room already smells terrible, Sara's bed is covered with her stomach's content. I think about how am I going to clean that while ridding myself off my bra and throwing it where my clothes are. As I'm putting on the new one I hear Sara's gags once again and I hear the loud coughs one more time. I take the puffer and walk to the bathroom. She's hugging her stomach while trying to empty what's not there inside the toilet. I stand and watch, because I don't know what to do. I see her tears squeezed between her lids as she grabs onto her stomach, I know she's in pain. She looks like she's in a great deal of it. Her complexion alone is not quite promising, and when I touched her skin while waking her up, she was burning.

She winces and groans. "My tummy." She's astonishingly adorable and I feel seriously stupid finding her this fucking cute in this situation she's in. "It hurts so bad." She starts crying and I don't know what to do. How do you comfort your bitch roommate who makes you blush but you also wanna fuck but you hit earlier and feel guilty and bad about it?

She begins to cough once again, and the coughs seem forced out of her lungs, as if she's trying to search for any route for air. I'm like a dumb doll, just standing there falling for whatever I'm falling in while watching her struggle to breathe. It's only later that I realized her hands movement were for me to hand her the puffer I forgot I was holding in my hand. I give it to her as I gasp at my sinister subconscious, scolding my mind immediately. I watch Sara once again regain her breath by helping her own self with mouth wide open.

She stands up and flushes the toilet. She walks to the sink once again and I'm still in my place, watching her the same way I used to watch my mother apply make up on her face before each date back when I was only five. I can see her eyes shifting towards my standing figure from the mirror, and something inside of me shakes, actually trembles, some sort of feeling, I don't know what it is. Some type of deja vu, it's as if I've seen all of this before, when, and where? I don't know. The resemblance she has with my mother, and honestly, even myself when it comes to looks, is quite frightening, but I know a lot of people do look alike by some chance, so it doesn't really bother me that much, however, at times like these when we're so close and I can see her features clearly, I do become irritated with the fact I am attracted to her. It only means one thing, and one thing only, I am a narcissistic ass, attracted to people who look like me. That's probably the case.

"C'mere." I take her hand when I see her struggling to walk, one hand clutching her troubled stomach and one shaking in mine, her eyes can barely open, fresh tears are running down, and I continue feeling terrible that she's feeling that way.

I am actually surprised she accepted holding my filthy hand, according to her. Probably because I just washed them in front of her after throwing my dirty clothes in my hamper. "God, Sar, you're burning. This is not okay, don't you have some medicine?" We walk out to the room and she wrinkles her delightful features when the smell and sight both hit her.

"Emy said she's gonna take me to the doctor if it got worse." She says with her hoarse, lovely voice. "I'm just taking stuff for the flue, but they're making me throw up." She whines the last sentence like a child and I just want to squeeze her and jump with her on a trampoline or something. "God, the room..." She trails off, because I have eyes and I can see as well. "I just wanna sleep." She whines again.

"Okay, sleep on my bed. I'll clean all this. You can't even sleep on your bed. It's a mess." I offer and she furrows her brows at my suggestion. "It's fine, your pillow is clean, my sheets are clean. Sleep on my bed, really." I walk to my bed and remove my blanket in order to motion her in. I reach for her purple pillow and put it in the place of my white one. I pat the space on the bed and give her a smile. "Come on. No need to worry, I don't masturbate in here." I wink at her, and even though I know that's the worst timing to tease, I'm kinda glad I did, because the yellowish hue of her skin suddenly alters to one so red it's full of life.

She walks to my bed and sits on it gently, she moves her two feet and rests them, then moves her hand and rests it on her aching tummy, and I cover her with my own blanket. "What about you?" She whispers.

"I'll clean this now, and I'll crash on the sofa." I mouth as I pace towards the room. I look at the guitar that Sara hasn't noticed at all and also remember I'm still in my undergarments. I grab myself a tanktop and shorts and begin to dress. Sara has already closed her eyes, but I know she's not asleep, and I know she keeps opening them every second to see what I'm doing.

When I figure out how I am going to clean all that, I find Sara's eyes open and watching every movement I make. I aid her with a small smile as I grab the pot of boiling water and start to pour it where she puked on the carpet and on her bare mattress after I have removed her bed sheets. "Mum used to pour boiled water over her mattress when I used to pee myself on it when I was..." I squint my eyes to remember. "About four or five. Best sterilizer." I look at Sara and I see her smiling, a very tired smile, she looks very tired. "Hey are you sure you're gonna be alright? You really don't look well at all." I ask, because her colour is back as pale as it was if not more, and I know she's feeling cold because she's snuggling with my blanket and her lips are trembling. She gives me a nod but I sigh, because right now I'm really not sure. I grab the garbage can and put it near my bed. "If you feel like you want to throw up again, here, okay?" She nods once again. "Are you cold?" She nods quickly. "Let me get you something to wear, some jacket?"

"Can you get me my green blanket from my closet? Top shelf, same place as the bed sheets." Her words, even though kinda bossy the way they are, but very groggy and full of her lisp. I nod and walk in to her closet. I have closed the light by now, only my lamp is on, so I'm basically blind, I'm also very short and can't reach. I try to push my hand, I can feel the material of her blanket, I jump in to catch it, but instead, I don't know how, but something hard greets me and falls over my head...And by something hard, I mean a fucking dildo.

I knocked over the whole box with the straps and the dildo on the ground, and the phallus had fallen on my head, and now it's in my hand. Surprises, more surprises, Sara's so not who she portrays she is. It's her dildo, so she's probably the one who uses it on Emy, or herself. I've never used one on people, only people used them on me. Lucky Emy, I bet Sara's wonderful at this. Innocent Sara's so not innocent.

I remember why I'm here in the first place and push the toy in its box and put it on the top shelf again where it was. When I return, I find that Sara has closed her eyes and is on her side, facing my side of the room, my wall where my desk is and my other trash. I remove my blanket and cover her body with her own, then put mine on top of hers and walk to the sofa with my pillow and lie down.

I toss, I turn, I close my eyes, I try to focus on my sleepy state, I try to fall back into slumber, but I simply can't. Not because my mind isn't letting me, but because the woman constantly inside of it is having the worst time, and I am nearby to witness all the smothered cries she's trying to hold and all the soft moans she's trying to tame. I decide to get up and walk to her, what if it's something so serious? I switch on the light of the lamp again, and as soon as I do, I see Sara shutting her eyes tightly as the red rays hit her sensitive vision. "Shit, you're so not okay." I mumble as soon as I feel her temperature with my palm. "That's really bad. What should I do?" I mumble mostly to myself. "What are you feeling?"

"That someone is stabbing my stomach." She forces the words out and I sigh. I don't know what to do, I'm not a doctor, I suck at nursing someone back to health. I'm usually the one who's always sick and needs all the love and care.

"I don't know what to do. Should I call Emy?" I'm such a horrible roommate, damn it. Sara shakes her head and grits her teeth, I suppose another wave of pain hit her stomach. "Okay, look, I'll try to control the fever by now, but in the morning you must go to the doctor with Emy." She nods, because she has no other option.

A bowl full of cold water and a towel is all I manage to bring back to bed. I cool Sara's sweaty brow with the towel and she flinches, but then I see she starts to relax, and I relax as well when I move my hand over her arm and feel that her fiery skin is slowly getting back to its original temperature. I can't help but rub down the softness of her arm, the tiny hairs meeting me till I reach her hand and rub at her knuckles, and I see how calming that is to her, her breathing is even better than before. I smile at her when she looks at me and she smiles back at me.

"How come you're taking care of me? Don't you hate me?" She asks all of a sudden. I look up at her small swollen eyes and tilt my head to the side.

"Hate you?" I chuckle. "Why would I hate you?" I shake my head. I remove the towel, drench it in water, squeeze it, then put it above her brow once again. "I'm very sorry, Sara. I feel so bad. So fucking bad about what I did. I know it's wrong. I don't know what had gotten into me." I bite my lower lip, I don't know what so say anymore.

"I'm not mad at you." She whispers. "I'm just really embarrassed." Her voice cracks, and I feel it coming, but I hope she doesn't cry again. "You saw my orgasm face. You saw me in the most embarrassing and private act ever and it's so hard looking at you." She doesn't cry though. She just sighs.

"It's okay. I can show my orgasm face if it will make you feel better." I try to lighten up the mood, but I can feel that Sara's physical pain is too overwhelming to let her respond to my efforts.

"Like what? You'll masturbate in front of me?" I haven't thought about that. And now I'm the one who feels embarrassed for offering, so I don't answer. I kind of give a slight nod, which comes naturally, without much thought, not because I will do that in front of her. Having sex with her is different than having sex with myself in front of her.

I can feel it's hard for her to look into my eyes now. She turns her head around and I can no longer help her fever. I put the bowl aside and switch off the light. "Can I join you in bed?" I ask and quickly retreat with an explanation to my suggestion. "Not in a pervy or a romantic way, I promise. In a friend type of way. Like I won't do anything." I only make out a nod and hear a very low yes from her. I think it's because it's my bed, and she feels guilty she's sleeping on it and I'm not. "Let's talk. We should just talk. I want to talk." I know it's the worst time, but it's the only time I'll catch Sara in this state of honesty and truthfulness, in this state of rawness and realness, exposed and naked from the masks she portrays. Not trying to disguise her emotions or fantasies with disgust or terror. The same it is with me, if you want me to unravel and vent, then the time after midnight is the best time, when I'm sleepy, feeling lonely and empty and is heavy with emotions and feelings I can't suppress like I do during the day.

When Sara doesn't answer me I reach for her hand again, and to my luck I feel her body unconsciously moving towards my own. The space isn't even big on this bed, but it's enough to give us a gap while sleeping on it, but now the gap is omitted by Sara's body glued to mine. "First of all, you really don't have to be embarrassed about this." I contradict my thoughts with my words. I hear a groan and I laugh, I know she really doesn't want to talk about this. "Look, at least it wasn't your mum who caught you with two fingers inside of you when you were thirteen. Now that's a horrible situation." I hear Sara gasp, and I feel her head lift and I'm sure her eyes are wide open with shock but I can't see them because we're both squeezed under the blanket. I snort and nod. "Yes, my mum caught me doing that. Like she straight up removed the duvet and boom, two fingers in my cunt meeting her eyes. I was thirteen which made it all really terrible. Well at least I didn't hear the sex talk. But ya I couldn't look into her eyes for a whole week." I let out one of these sighs of comfort at the memory and I heard it, her soft, sweet, girlish giggle. "Ha, feeling better with my embarrassing story?"

"Ya." She shyly says and I smile at her sweet voice. I'm so close to her and God, I wanna cuddle her and squeeze her, I've never felt that way towards any human being and the feeling inside my heart and lower abdomen is so fucking great I feel like I could fly right now or I could throw up rainbows and excitement. I'm so fucking excited that I reach for her damp hair and start stroking it, and she fucking lets me. She lets me do it without any protest. "I fucked a teddy, though. That's really bad." I giggle and keep stroking her hair. I honestly don't know what she was thinking, and I have a feeling she doesn't know as well. It could be some fantasy or fetish, but it's embarrassing her too much to think she did it often. "So you masturbate?" She asks again and I shake my head, here's Sara, that's what she focuses on.

"Doesn't every human masturbate?" I ask, but get no answer. "Of course I do, Sara, where do you think I let out my frustration in? Besides beating the shit out of you...okay sorry, that's not something to joke about."

"I almost choked you. I think it's fair. I mean we fight like I used to fight with my sister. Though she's pretty young and I end up yelled at and she ends up crying, but anyway, I think we're even." Sara rants and my smile is so silly, thank god she doesn't see it. "Where do you masturbate?" Are you fucking serious? She asks the most random questions ever, they kill me. "Oh wait, in the bathroom." I can feel her wicked smile spreading across her face. Okay wasn't she crying minutes ago because of her stomach? What a con, I bet she just wanted my love and affection. "That's why you take long showers, don't you?"

"Well you don't miss a thing, do you?" I chuckle and she giggles. "Can I confess something?" Here is sob Tegan, she's starting to open up, oh no.

"Ya." I can feel the excitement through her voice.

"I haven't slept with anyone since I came here. Like at all. Nobody's filling my desires or wants as much as..." You, say it idiot, it's fine. She knows anyway.

"I want to confess something too." She takes a deep breath and I can feel how shaky it is because it hits my face and now I realize we're inches apart, my heart starts racing, and my sweat starts running out of my body. "I feel so guilty because you always make me wet." She whispers and my breath hitches. Nobody, nobody has ever said something so raw to me in such a sugary, sweet way. I'm melting, she's crushing me, I'm evaporating.

"You make me so wet too. I touch myself thinking of you." I confess something so dangerous. There's no coming back. We're basically saying things that will either change things for us for the better or the worst.

"Emy will hate me." She whispers in guilt. Emy will hate me too, but I don't care, I've fallen in a fucking pit, I need to touch this human being and I know she needs to touch me, but that barrier called Emy is fucking things for us. "What are we Tegan?" She asks again. "This is so weird. We're like...I don't know. Are we friends? Do you like me? I like you. But I love Emy. You turn me on, but I can't cheat on Emy. You don't like commitment, I want one, I'm getting old anyway. My friends from high school already have kids and I still can't hold a relationship." I feel now that she's rambling, she's letting out her feelings and I know she's as tired as I am, and is for sure more due to her sickness.

"I..I don't know." I don't know what to tell her. All of this is scaring me. It's like she's trying to charm me through words to start falling for her, and I'm scared of that. Words are the strongest propaganda a human can use to toy with a mind, I don't want that. I don't want to let words tickle my brain the way they do to my mother's, but I want this woman and because of how much I want her, I can't think nor touch anybody else, it's slowly killing me. This is too fast. It's happening too fucking fast. We only know each other for about a month. I hate this, I don't want this, but I want her. "We're friends...Who feel some things towards each other. It happens." I try to give her an answer because I know how sensitive she is and I don't want to make her cry again. "We'll figure it out." My hand is still on her hair and her breaths are still hitting my skin. But that's how it goes, that's how it ends, we stay in this position and we fall asleep in that same position.

I wake up to an excruciating pain in my left breast, where Sara's head has found a pillow other than hers. My nipple is so sore and I feel the piercing causing a burn. I try to push her head but she doesn't yield easily, and I end up pushing her roughly and groan while holding that breast.

As I wince and grit my teeth, look inside of my bra for any signs of infection or bleeding caused by the piercing, I realize I'm being watched by Sara. "Was it me? I'm so sorry."

I nod and hiss at the burn I cause myself while toying with the barbell, squeezing my eyes shut. "It's just that not only it hasn't fully healed yet, but two months ago I fucking cut it with the stupid earbuds while pulling them, they got tangled with the piercing and I pulled it roughly. Don't even ask why I was topless."

"I figured you like being naked all the time?" She says through her sick voice, watching my hand moving under my shirt and bra, massaging my breast softly, and I know by the shimmering sparkle in her eyes, it must be doing some stuff between her thighs.

"No. That's just what you think of me, however, have you ever seen me naked?" She shakes her head shyly. "Then don't assume." Okay, I'm sounding like an irritated bitch, which I am, I didn't get good sleep, my boob hurt, and Sara keeps blowing her nose too loudly.

Sara sits up and winces while holding her stomach, she rubs her temple and looks around. And then she spots it, she gasps and gets up quickly. "Oh my god. Is that? What?" She's in loss of words, she points at the musical instrument and I smile. And now I suddenly remember why I'm irritated. It's because of the talk we had last night, and because of how she makes me feel.

Also because Emy brought her the guitar, and she's so happy, and it's making me so angry and frustrated. I am not documenting any of the details of her squealing about the stupid guitar, and will move on to when her sickness invaded her body again, and thankfully, made her leave the guitar and get back on my bed, with me.

Her parents call and speak to her. Then Emy calls and says she's coming down in a bit. I shower and get ready for my day. Sara's getting worse somehow, throwing up, sweating, and her breathing is troubled, and is still on my bed.

I open the door for Emy when she knocks on it, she smiles, I fake a jealous smile, and she walks to Sara. "Why are you on her bed?" I swear it's the first thing she says when she sees her. Not anything sweet and caring, but questioning why she's on my bed.

"She puked all over hers last night." I say, with hands on my hips and eyebrows raised. "I slept on the sofa." She doesn't even hear me out and jumps on my damn bed.

"Oh, baby." Gross, disgusting, details of Emy and Sara forcing themselves to show false affection shall never be documented in here. Not in Tegan's world.

I watch them whisper things to each other and I know I must look like a volcano right now, ready to fire its lava at any giving second. "We're gonna go to the doctor." Emy looks up at me, smiling, unaware of the green monster that I have become, but I can see Sara, with her eyes, is fully aware of it, she gives me that look. That fucking look.

"I'll go grocery shopping. Then I'll cook some soup for you, Sara. I'll get some movies too, we'll watch a movie or something." I smile with the fakest innocence I own.

"That sounds great. Ya, babe?" Bitch, she said she hates that word, fuck off, weren't you breaking up last night? "Sounds good, Tegan. We'll have fun." We? Who included you anyway? God, I hate myself. I shouldn't be doing that, thinking like that, Emy's nice, she's a good one, like Sara. But Sara, she's Sara, I want to fuck her, I want her for me and only me. Me, me, me.

Speaking of me, I somehow forgot it's my birthday. How the fuck did I forget it's my birthday? I love myself way too fucking much to forget it's my birthday. This is what Sara's doing to me, she's making me forget to love myself, to think of myself, and to have a time for myself. I'm only reminded it's the day when I adorned this life by sliding out of Sonia's vagina when Sonia herself calls while I'm walking back to the dorm. "All the spongebob episodes on DVD? Hell yeah, mum. And a gift card? Yesss. Thank you, I can't fucking wait." I squeal as she tells me what she emailed me as a gift for my birthday. "Uni's good. Pretty easy so far. Work's fine as well. Yes, I'm saving up pretty well." I answer my mother's curious questions about life and work. "Hopefully by next year I'll be able to rent a place." The bags are becoming heavy, my arms are getting tired. "Yes, mum, of course I did. My roommate's pretty nice. She's a clean freak though, but I'm getting her used to my filth." I joke and hear my mother laughing. "Kay, bye. Love you, Sonia." She says she loves me back and we hang up.

Jeremy calls and says happy birthday to me as well, we talk for a bit then he promises we'll talk via messenger tonight because right now he has things to do. I hang up as I'm close to the dorm and dad calls. I bet mum just called him to remind him it's my birthday. I pick up and we talk.

I toy with the keys on my room's door while holding the mobile phone between my ear and shoulder, as well as trying to manage not to drop any of the bags. "Yes, yes." I say as he rambles on about business, which he will gladly hand a part of it to me when I graduate. I walk inside and put the bags on the floor as we begin to talk about my birthday gift. "Yes dad. Money." I say loudly. "Money, money, moneyyyyy." I can feel my dilated pupils turning green with a dollar sign on each when he says how much money he's going to transfer to my account. "Hell yeah. More money, I fucking love money." I'm jumping in my room and twirling around. He laughs and we say our goodbyes. I sigh in big relief and then get back my senses, my vision, and my consciousness to notice both Emy and Sara are on Sara's bed, staring at me with wide eyes and a face ready to burst in laughter.

"Did you even hear the groan you made when you were chanting for money?" Emy says, a spoon of chicken soup in her hand, where Sara's mouth is trying to catch it but keeps missing.

"Let's pretend you guys didn't see or hear that." I blush as I walk closer to them. I watch Emy feeding Sara and roll my eyes, then I watch the medicine and pills on Sara's bed. But something else catches my eyes, and they widen immediately. "Ha. I knew you were knocked up." I joke taking a hold of the box of the pregnancy test in my hand, even though my heart is racing like a fucking truck is about to hit it.

"That's not for me." She opens her mouth and both Emy and I wrinkle our noses when her funny, squeaky voice fills the room.

"That's for the other Sarah." Emy sighs and I furrow my eyebrow.

"I thought she's..."

"She needs it for some biology project." Emy fills me in and spoon feeds Sara who's cuddling with her green blanket.

"So what's up?" I say, looking at the girlfriend and the cute cub. "I brought fruits and healthy stuff for you, Sar." I smile at her and she smiles back. God, she's so fucking cute, I'm gonna stab Emy in the heart so I can be alone with her. Take a breath Tegan, Emy's good, Emy's nice, Emy's your friend.

"Stomach infection and the flue. Bad mix. And with her weak lungs, not so fun." Emy fills me in and I nod. "They gave her lots of drugs, she'll be sleeping a lot, I guess, and she should drink lots of hot fluids and eat nothing too heavy or oily." Emy gives me these instructions as if I'm going to nurse Sara back to health...Which I probably will. "Happy birthday, by the way." Then Emy smiles sincerely at me and I can't help but calm down and smile back.

"Happy birthday, Tegan. I'm sorry we forgot." Sara's voice is too funny and painful to hear.

"It's okay, I only remembered when my mum called like half an hour ago." I watch as Sara hugs her stomach and pushes Emy and the bowl away, turning her face just like an infant when they're done wanting food. "So guess what I bought." They both look at me. "Mean Girls. It's on DVD. Like hell yeah."

"Yay, we'll see Theresa and her bitches on TV." Oh my god. Sara thinks they're like a real life representation to Regina George and her wannabes? Holy fuck, our minds are alike. "No offence, Em." She says and her girlfriend laughs.

"It's okay, I totally agree with you." Yes, Emy join our side. "Speaking of that, I'll go give Sarah the test and change my clothes, please wait for me."

"I bet that whore Sarah actually wants it for herself and is not telling anyone. Imagine if she turns out to be knocked up? I'll laugh so hard. Okay, that's mean. I'm not mean." Sara says after Emy closes the door.

"Who cleaned the place?" I look around me at the neat room. Clean and tidy and smells good. Even my bed sheets are changed and my clothes aren't in every corner, I know Sara doesn't touch my clothes, or didn't maybe, now she's slept on my bed and besides me, she's not disgusted by them, probably.

"Emy." Sara answers, resting her head on the pillow and letting out a sigh.

"Wife material, huh?" I walk to the DVD player and set it.

"Ya." Sara answers lowly. "But not for me." She continues, and I turn around looking at her. "I'm so scared of letting go. I know there's no future. We're basically only friends now, but I don't wanna be alone." I honestly don't know what to answer her. What's wrong with being alone? It's the best thing, I've been alone my whole life, that's why I'm so independent, and that's why I manage my life so well, but I guess that's not for everyone.

"You're not gonna be alone. If my mum, who's 38, still gets asked out like five times a day, then you won't be alone when you're 24. You're young and beautiful, you'll love again, you said it remember?" I remind her of her own words and she nods, closing her eyes. I turn mine back and start putting the movie on. But I don't play it until Emy's here.

It's weird, but it feels good, and I like it. The position the three of us are in is making me like this place, and really like these people even though I hold tender jealousy of Emy, one I shouldn't even be having since it's that obvious that her and Sara are drifting apart by each kiss she replaces on the older woman's head as it lays on her shoulder. And in my position, on Sara's bed, my head on Emy's lap, I lift my eyes and can see the discomfort they both posses. I can also see Sara's scanning eyes on my head instead of the screen.