Sara
I'm just a simple woman. I've lived a simple life. Too simple to be documented on papers or talked about to someone. Maybe the only light my tales could be given is at tea time with gossiping simple women who have also lived a simple life.
But, I can't say that my life is that simple any longer, neither can I say that I am as simple as I used to be, or that my mind is full of simple rainbow thoughts as it was. No, now, Tegan, whoever that girl is, whichever complexity she holds in her perky personality and vivacious attitude, Tegan has managed to crawl shiftily and slowly inside the simplicity of my sleeping thoughts and desires and awaken each and every yawning urge that I have repressed for too long out of fear of being judged. Now I want to do what I dream of doing. I desire to put my hands on each part of my body while staring at her, staring at me, without the tasteless rosy hue boxing itself behind my cheeks.
Am I embarrassed that I've been so exposed to her in all aspects? Physically? Emotionally? Privately? Yes, I sure am. In fact, I'm dying because of this embarrassment. I know my sickness only increased because of how shameful I feel. But, bitch-face, Tegan Quin, makes me love it. Makes me want it. I want these big gorgeous eyes to scan me, to want me, to want to touch me while they're deprived of having me. I want this feeling, this great feeling, it fills my frowning heart with lazy butterflies. It gives me a shining hope that I am, in fact, wanted. But, but, but...The bad that comes with it all, is that I fucking want bitch-face as well, I can't touch her. I want her so fucking much that wild sex isn't only a fantasy I entertain my brain with at night, no, now it's a quest I must seek and find. Fantasies of strangely sweaty bodies haunt me each moment I look into her eyes and shift back to my girlfriend's eyes.
It's like having the main course when you're too full. It's delicious, you want to try it, but goddamn, the dessert is something so yummy you can't fucking get your tongue to stop watering just thinking about it. Emy's my main course, but Tegan, she's my sweet dessert. I want them both, and I want them together. I don't know how since Emy seems against it, and I don't think Tegan is attracted to Emy. But in this state, their state right now, they seem friendly and good together, good to sleep together with me.
But let me halt for a moment. That's not me, that's not Sara Smith. I don't know what's happening to me, but the simplicity is fading, complexity is emerging. I am afraid of my thoughts, they won't stop, they're a bother, they're a turn on even in the worst states, like the one I'm in. My heart is beating too rapidly because of this medicine I just took. I feel dizzy, sweaty, tired, and my tongue is dry. I can't move an arm, or a leg, I can't speak and my eyes are about to close, but what's jumping are both, my clit, and my thoughts. Both aroused to the degree of physical pain. My Lord, I need a help in both cases.
I need to touch her, brush my hand all over her skin. I need to taste her, I've never tasted a human being, but now I have the desire to do so. I don't just want to be inside of her and feel her, no I need to see how everything looks, and I want to taste, to get a glimpse of the heaven I'm sure exists between her two thighs. I can't believe my urges are now taking me to the darkest corners of my mind. Sex was one thing and it was to fulfill the need and that's it, but now I know what was once with Emy was pure honest affection, nothing too wild, too hot, too furious like all my stupid feelings for Tegan. Sure, I loved Emy like a lover once, sex was fun because I got to come and her tongue always knew what it was doing. She loved my techniques when I rolled my hips and pushed inside her, and that made us both happy. But now, now I know it was just a desire, a teenage love, one that is ending, or actually ended. Now it's friendship that we have, with the occasional sex that can relieve both of us for a short time.
Now I wonder, if I opened up more, threw Emy against the wall, fucked her from behind, in the light of the day, touched her the way I want to touch Tegan, let our sweat melt together and enclosed her in the moments of pleasure, would my affection return again? Would a change occur and give our relationship a new chance? I doubt it, but it won't hurt to try, right? I mean, she's right, if I want a threesome, I've got to show the threesome attitude, I've got to let my sexual repression out in the open. I've got to say it, to scream it, to reveal it. Yes, I am the same Sara Smith, still repulsed by everything I touch that isn't on my body, but I would really like to eat cunt, I would really like to have rough sex, I would love a sweaty, yummy threesome. I would love to see a beautiful woman nude in front of me and touch all her parts with her loving it. I would love to be handled roughly as well, I would love to be fucked by a dildo, I would love someone to talk dirty to me, and I really, really, really wanna try some crazy positions. But the thing is, will I do all that? I don't think I can, but it won't hurt to try. God, I wish I wasn't so shy.
"You gonna fall asleep, love?" I squint my eyes at my girlfriend, then I nod. I didn't think the drugs have that strong of an effect, but throughout the film, I have managed to lose all my energy, and when it was done, I did nothing but stay in bed while Tegan and Emy made food and chatted, things I couldn't hear. They were laughing together but I was too tired to focus on their hushed voices.
"Ya." My sick voice is painful to hear, I bet I sound like a dying chicken to them. "I feel drowsy." Tegan and Emy are both staring at me. My head's on the pillow and my brain is about to shut down.
"Alright, we'll leave you to rest. I'd kiss you goodbye but I really don't wanna get the flue. Exams comin' up." Fucker.
"Bye, Sare." Tegan says.
"By bitch-face." I close my eyes, and now...
"What?"
"Shh, she's falling asleep. She mouths weird stuff when she's too tired sometimes, just ignore her."
"Fucker."
"See? Let's go, Tegan."
"Wow, that's fucking weird." Shut the fuck up and let me enter my dream alreadyyy.
I wake up to the sound of fast typing on the keyboard. I open my eyes and I see Tegan at her desk, facing her computer's screen. I stay there for a bit, feeling my fever hugging my body, but also feeling really hot. When I yawn and push my duvet a bit further away from its previous place beneath my chin, Tegan turns around with her cute gummy smile. I give her half an attempt of a smile as I start to get up.
"Dude, you slept so much. It's nine right now, you're gonna have some issues falling asleep again." I sit on my mattress and yawn again, staring at the floor beneath my feet as I try to adjust to the reality of consciousness.
I rub my eyes and look up again at Tegan, now she has her head tilted to the side and her smile is lopsided and somehow dreamy. I look behind me, as I try to figure out what she's smiling at but I only see the bathroom's closed door. "Ya, it's fine. No uni tomorrow, anyway. Plus, I'm so tired, I'll probably fall asleep." Tegan nods and keeps staring at me. "Is there anything wrong?" She wrinkles her brows and straightens her posture, suddenly stiff. "I know I look horrible. I bet you're happy seeing me ugly and horrible." I get up and start walking towards my dresser.
"You don't look horrible nor ugly." She says, but coldly. And as I am fishing for fresh undergarment, I turn around and watch her focusing on the screen again.
"I'm sorry I puked on you. I forgot to say it. I'm really sorry about that." If anybody did that to me, I'll probably never speak to them again, I'd be too repulsed to do that, but I puked on her, how disgusting is that, and she didn't even mention it, she slept beside me, and we almost cuddled and it felt fucking great, she didn't get disgusted.
She lets out a small chuckle, still looking at her screen, without typing. "I've had worse, trust me." I don't know what that means, but I can see she doesn't want to look at me, and I feel bad, and offended.
I don't know what to say anymore. I take my clean clothes and stand at the bathroom's door, still looking at the back of her head while she's not facing me. "I'm going to shower." I announce even though there isn't a need to do that. She nods and I go inside.
I strip myself in front of the exposing mirror, something I'm not used to do, nor comfortable enough in doing. I've stood there in front of it yesterday with a bra and an underwear, I looked at my body, and Tegan looked at it as well. Her eyes seemed to be wandering in awe rather than squinting in disgust. This gave me the confidence to stand here, as I am standing right now, with no clothing to protect my vision, and no barriers between my eyes and every imperfection on my skin.
My breasts which once were caged in the fabric of my bra are now free, hanging above my chest in a sight I've always rejected. A bra did wonders, it pushed them up, it made them seem attractive, it made many eyes fall on the swell that the bra brought attention to. But without that supporting piece of fabric, my breasts seem to sag as if I have breastfed three children in the past ten years. Emy says it's because they're big, which is natural for them to be sucked down by gravity, but Tegan's, they weren't like that. We have exactly the same size, I'm sure of it, but hers seem so perky and so round and beautiful, mine aren't like that. And that's not the only thing about my body that I don't like, it's that stupid belly as well. Emy loves it, she loves kissing it and squeezing it, but that makes me hate it, it makes me feel strange, and I can't get rid of it. I tried working out, I tried everything, I just can't get rid of the extra meat on my body. Not to mention these fucking thighs. I'd love to fucking burn them, they're awful, they're huge. And my hips are wide, and my ass is full of cellulite, my body's ugly, it's fucking ugly. I don't know why I decided to look at myself naked.
I hide away from the mirror because I know my eyes are beginning to water, and I hurry throwing my frame underneath the warmness the showerhead is throwing at my skin. It all takes confidence, Emy always told me that. Confidence is what I lack, that's how I usually answer her. But if I want to be exposed in front of Tegan, wich strangely enough, I do want to, then I must at least get used to be exposed in front of a mirror, or my girlfriend who has already seen me naked and touched my body in different ways that I refused to touch hers with. The thing that is confusing me and terrifying me the most is that I get a certain excitement that I can't quite define when I'm around Tegan's well-structured, vixen-like face. When she scans my body thinking I'm not noticing, I feel a warm tenderness in my chest. When her eyes roam here and there, I want them to stay focused, I get wet to the feeling, I want her to see more, I want her jaw to drop. But I can't make her jaw drop when I can't see what's there to admire. And the fact that I'm beginning to feel fondness towards her is the biggest problem. What if I end up falling for her? That's not good. She won't ever fall for me, but I know it's easy for me to fall. And she's young as well, she's six years younger, but it seems that she's the one in charge with everything that involves us together.
When I'm in the room again, Tegan is still in her position, she looks back at me as I try to tame my wet hair by tying it. Her lips part in an 'O' shape and I wrinkle my brows for the second time at her facial expression. "You're hot." She answers my thoughts before I voice them. The expression takes me aback, it seems that she's back to her old self, which was gone for about a minute before I entered the bathroom.
I see her licking her lips while making it obvious to know she's checking me out. And I'm like a fucking deprived sex addict, I love it, I start blushing, pooling in my underwear, and walking towards her with a smile. She smiles while sitting, legs apart, eyes focused on my exposed legs, chin in hand, foot tapping the carpeted floor.
I stand in front of her. She's sitting, I'm standing. And in slow motion her two hazels fly up till they reach my breasts, which are, and I'm pretty sure, well hidden by the white tanktop I have. Yes there is some cleavage, and yes the material is tight, but she can't see anything, which is making it more obvious that she's imagining everything. Her eyes pause there. I go closer, and I feel it, it's a special attraction, as if her heart has a magnet, and mine has a magnet, and I'm being pulled to her magnet to stick to her. But does she feel it? It's probably just me, but I do feel it, it'a special attraction, it's bound by nature. Nature controls it, and I could come up with theories and call myself Sigmund Sara...or Sara Freud, but I won't, and I never will come up with the theory of this attraction. It's special, but we're not related, we're not chained together through a womb we have shared, or through a chain of milk that I have fed from. She's not my mother that's for sure, nor my father, and she's not my sister if I'm building on the theory I've been thinking about for the past month. She's nothing to me but a human being whom I don't know.A human being I'm attracted, dangerously, to.
Snap out of it, Sara. Snap out of it and remember the hand that fed you this morning, the woman who loves you and always will, you can't do that to her, you can't cheat on her. I swallow hard, I try to control it, to contain the screaming wild need in me, and I know this will turn it to one thing, one thing I'm ashamed of...anger. "Thanks." I swallow the lump in my throat as our eyes meet.
I don't know what I see in her eyes, it flashes like lightening, but it looks like hesitation, regret, remorse. It goes away as fast as it comes that I think I just imagined it. Suddenly, her screen lights up with a request of a video call. Her whole face lights up as she accepts it without giving my slow mind time to read the name of who's calling. A boy who seems to be her age appears. Face, good looking, magically free of the pimples boys his age usually have. He's smiling as we both appear to him. I don't know if he can see my face or only my body, but suddenly, I remember what I'm wearing, and I attempt to step away from the camera. But of course before I could, bitch-face holds my wrist and keeps me in my place. "Jeremy, this is Sara." She declares as he squints his eyes at us.
"This is the one you haven't stopped talking about?" I immediately see the redness invading her whole face as her friend gets his chance to embarrass her. I blush too, looking at her.
"Guilty as charged." She says, without anymore hints of embarrassment. She says with her confident voice, and her fucking confident everything, I fucking hate it. "Look at her." Her hand moves to the waistband of my pink pajama shorts. "Isn't she worth looking at?" I see them both scanning my body again as I stand there and feel objectified to the degree that I can't take it any longer. I push her just a little bit. "She's a trophy that I can't seem to win." Okay, what the fuck?
"I'm still gay." Jeremy announces and I look at him, then back at her. We're so close and both her hands are on my waist.
"Good." She winks at him. "More for me." I don't like how I'm being treated. She doesn't sound any better than the clan of bitches I hate so much. I'm not some meat, or some shiny car she's talking about. Where's Emy? I need Emy.
I step out of her grip, roughly. I scowl at her, but it doesn't seem that she sees anything wrong in her action, so I decide to clarify. "Don't objectify me."
It surprises her, or actually, shocks her. She looks at me for a second, then back at Jeremy. "I'll talk to you later, Jer. Sorry, I have to go." Before he could even speak, she closes the video call, and in less than a minute her computer is off. I'm still standing there with red anger aiming at her. She looks at me, and I know, and I can feel, where all of this is going.
"I was kidding." Finally, she says.
"Didn't seem like it." I insist.
"You know what?" She rolls her eyes. "You're contributing in this fuckery as much as I am. Don't fucking play the innocent lamb while I'm the vicious tiger trying to pry on you whenever you're not looking." She stands up and starts walking towards me. "No. You want this as much as I fucking do. And don't try to pretend as if you're not seducing me with every fucking move you do."
"Seducing you?" I don't remember I've done anything of that. I don't even know how to do that.
"Yes. Look at you. Look at what you're wearing. You want me to look elsewhere when your boobs are going to fucking rip through your tanktop. You want me not to imagine myself fucking you, when you sway your hips as you walk. You want me to fucking just act normal when you look at me like that."
"What the fuck?" I feel confused, and exposed.
"I have needs you know, and you pressing on them doesn't make it better."
"You're a pig." I say as she calms just a bit down. "You walk half naked in here and I respect your privacy. You pushed your breast in my face and I didn't touch, I didn't call you names, I didn't make excuses to treat you as some cheap meat. While I'm here in my pajamas and you're preaching me about your animalistic needs? You're really no better than Theresa and her clan." I chuckle, her face grows red and hot, mine is as equally enraged. "Actually, you're worse. You're like a man. I should be scared probably. You'll touch me in my sleep then you'll blame it on what I'm wearing and what I'm doing. Isn't that what men do? You're just like them. An animal. A pig. Sex addict, fucking pig. You're disgusting..." I talk and talk without shutting my the box of my words up. I talk without stopping until I'm slapped across the face.
As I let out a scream and blink a few times, I adjust my eyes back at her only to find two pairs of teary eyes ready to shoot their laser at me and kill me with that fury. "Don't you fucking dare compare me to a disgusting man. Don't you dare." She turns around, trying to walk away.
In a moment, just one moment, we're like two animals in a forest, trying to win the battle of who is stronger. I didn't let go like that, I'm not her punching bag, and her attitude says exactly that she's nothing but a disgusting filthy man who hits, objectifies, and finds excuses to sexually harass innocent women. I didn't let her go like that. I jumped at her and I pinned her to the floor. First, I slapped her back as I straddled her, now we're just using our hands to survive. I know my right cheek is bruised by the hits it keeps getting, and I didn't leave her left side untouched as well. It's like we're carving another face of our two faces, and creepily enough, the sides can mesh to make a face, a new face that's not our faces but looks like us. We're that much alike that it's staring to look fuzzy to me, maybe that's why I'm attracted. Maybe it's because she's a reflection of myself, but the stronger one I'd like to see. Maybe she's a witch. Maybe it's meant to be. I don't know what it is, but it makes me angry, and so I punch her chin and she doesn't even take a minute to flinch, she takes my hair and pulls it so hard that my tears climb up to the lids of my eyes. I'm still on top of her, but I know she's in the lead, she's stronger, physically as well as mentally, and I'm just here getting dizzy with everything she's doing. But I don't give up, and I won't give up. I lower my face and do my best trick. I bite the next thing I find, her left cheek. I bite it so hard that I hear her pang and her gasp and I taste the blood that I cause to escape.
But before I could triumph, before I could declare that I have won the war of insanity, I get one of the cruelest, meanest, and harshest punches on my right breast that I wither and fall off her with a shriek so loud I know everyone in this dorm hears it. I place my hand over my most sensitive area and I try to take in the pain, but she doesn't stop, she sees that It's my weakness spot, and she takes the other one and squeeze roughly. "No, no, no." I scream so loud my voice scares her. "Are you fucking insane. Are you fucking insane?" I can't make sense because the pain isn't even tolerable. I can't take it and I feel as if I'm going to faint. I lay on the floor and sob. "You don't punch a woman on her breasts. You should know that." I squeeze the words out.
She retreats and I sob. We stay like that for a while, for a long while. She's crying as well. And it makes me feel better because I thought she's one of those who never cry. I open my eyes each second to find her hugging her knees and sobbing. I never notice how badly I injured her cheek with my teeth until we both calm down after fifteen minutes of constant sobbing. I adjust my eyes on her face, and I know these tears must be stinging the cut I caused. I don't know how she's going to cover it in the morning, but she's going to cuss my ass off while trying to.
"I'm sorry." I whisper really lowly, my voice is strange to me, because I'm not only sick, but also losing breath.
"No, no. I'm sorry." I didn't expect that, and I admit it shocks me. Maybe that's why I'm having an asthma attack right now, maybe that's why I'm going to choke and die right now.
I don't know what happened next, it all happened in a flash. I stopped breathing, I coughed for air, I almost fainted, Tegan ran and shouted, my puffer was in my mouth, I was carried to my bed, and now I'm getting back to reality. I think I fainted just for a bit, I don't know, but I feel like shit, I feel horrible.
"Do you want me to call Emy? Your mum? Are you okay? Should we go to the hospital? The uni's medical section is closer though, why don't I take you? I'll carry you if you can't walk. Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." First she was panicking, then her voice cracked, and when she started apologizing, she returned to crying.
"I'm fine, I'm fine. Calm down." I try to sound as convincing as possible, but my shaken voice and groggy timbre doesn't really convince her. She reaches her palm above my forehead and that's what convinces her, she sighs in relief, and my heart smiles when I see the concern I've never thought I'd see there. I smile at her, and without noticing it, I take her hand in my own, I rub my thumb over the softness of skin, and subconsciously kiss it.
I am actually shocked of my own action, probably more than her, but I can't take it back, and when she excuses herself to the bathroom all of a sudden, I can't do anything but wait for her. I'm attracted to her, I'm dragging her, but without noticing, and it's happening against my will. My body is doing all the moving, I'm doing nothing, I'm just listening to my suppressed desires and unleashing them in her presence.
I hear sharp breaths and gasps that the bathroom door doesn't muffle so well. I'm not sure if she's crying, or doing what I'm thinking. I stay in my bed and hug my duvet and I miss her, but I relish hearing the sounds of her heavy breaths. What's so bad about it is that the heavier her breaths are, the wetter I am becoming. I can honestly feel my clit mocking me and my nipples arranging a war against the fabric that's suffocating them.
Tegan stays there for as long as she's heavily breathing, when the breaths die down, I hear the water running, then it stops, and Tegan leaves the bathroom. I turn my head and look back at her. Hooded lids, check. Teary eyes, check. Messy face, check. But was she crying? Oh no, definitely not. She's only in her undergarment, hair so messy, body shaky. We look at each other and her red face increases in redness.
"Te..."
"Can I sleep next to you?" I'm interrupted by her strange request. I furrow my brows and she continues, "I need to sleep next to you. I don't want to sleep alone." I feel her need, even though I don't know where it's coming from, but it's present and it's begging for someone to extinguish it. I'm happy to be that someone.
"Aren't you scared of getting sick?" She's already walking towards my bed when I ask her that. She shakes her head and sits on my mattress. "Were you masturbating in there?" I ask even though I shouldn't have, but I can't control my running thoughts as usual, and they escape against my will. Oddly enough, she nods her head quickly, she doesn't look at me though. She's giving me her back. "Were you masturbating because I made you horny? Were you thinking of me?" She nods again, and this makes me feel so fucking good about myself that I smile so big and thank my lucky stars she's not looking at me. "Isn't your underwear like...soiled?" Again, I'm speaking without thinking of what to get out and what to keep inside.
"It is." She answers quickly. "Do you want me to change it?"
"If you want to."
"What are you more comfortable with?" She asks, and I can feel her coy smile creeping behind her question.
"Mine is soiled as well and I just showered, so it doesn't matter." I tell her the truth in order not to make her feel as if she's alone in this game of exposure.
"Did you masturbate?" She finally turns around and look at me. I shake my head and pull her by the hand closer. She helps herself on my mattress and under my duvet beside me.
"I'm too tired to do that. I don't wanna get an asthma attack." I let out a laugh on my own. "Do you wanna sleep?"
"Talk to you then sleep." She answers.
"Well, get your pillow so I won't end up sleeping on your chest and close the lights." I order her and before my sentence is over she's done all that and is back on my bed. Her feet touching mine and it doesn't make me pull away, feel weird or disgusted, no, no, no, not at all. It makes me feel one thing, one thing only, it makes me feel warm, it makes me feel at home, whatever that thing means...it has to mean this warm feeling her skin is giving to mine. "So, what do you wanna talk about?" I ask again, listening closely to her breathing.
"I'm sorry." She apologizes again.
"You already said that."
"I feel like I should keep saying it." She's nice, she's kind, she's charming. I melt each time she speaks, and that's what makes it harder. "I didn't mean to say what I said. Or to hit you on your chest. Or to hit you in the first place." She continues and I listen. "I don't know why I'm doing that. Do you understand me?"
"I guess." Not really, I don't understand why I'm doing all that as well.
"It makes me angry."
"What makes you angry?" I ask her.
I feel her turning around to face me, but I'm staring at the ceiling because that's the best position for me to breathe well. "You." She answers. "Wait let me explain." She sighs before I get a chance to interject, and I feel her hot breath on my cheek. "When I came here I was instantly attracted to you, like you have this power, this special supernatural power to make me attracted. I wanted to touch you, I still do. You don't let me touch you and I know the reason and I accept it. Then we started getting closer so quickly, you realized I want you and I realized you want me, but we can't do anything about it because I want something and you want the other. Plus, there's Emy, and I don't want to hurt Emy, because I actually like her, and I know you love her and she loves you because it's so fucking obvious. All this makes me angry. So I do what I do, and I can't control it, and you fight back and I love it, but then I hurt you, and you hurt me, and that's not good, nor it is healthy."
"No, it's not." That's the only thing I could say, I don't know what to say more. I don't know what to do. "I'm sorry too."
"About my cheek, or how I feel, or your words?"
"About everything." I whisper to her.
"Sara?" She asks and I hum. "I never had a female friend." She tells me. "And I consider you as my female friend. I like you. I like the way you speak and I like your kind heart." I don't know why this made me giggle, but it did, and so it made her giggle as well. "Do you see me as a friend?"
"Yes." I simply answer.
"So you don't hate me?" Tegan asks. A part of Tegan unravels in front of my closed eyes each night, and a part of me is given to her as well in return. I'm not sure if that's dangerous or good, but I like it. "I mean you're not disgusted of me anymore, right?"
"No I don't hate you." I answer her first question. "I was never disgusted of you, though. You don't disgust me just like Emy doesn't. It's not people who do, it's actions, even my own actions, and it's more of a feeling I can't control. I'm like what if I got a deadly disease out of touching this? Then I start thinking about it and it exhausts my mind and I end up being repulsed."
"Oh." She answers. "Well, some stuff are disgusting." I agree with my silence. "Have you got a female friend besides Emy? Who are your friends? Tell me about you." I don't remember anybody being interested in my whereabouts or personal information other than Emy and my parents, but now Tegan is, and it's making me excited, which is why I'm facing her now.
"Emy is my best friend, I guess." I smile, thinking of what Emy is doing right now. She's probably stressing about tests like usual. "I met her three years ago and she was so shy. So fucking shy, you have no idea. She'd blush because of the smallest things." I giggle, remembering my girlfriend's rosy cheeks everytime I tell her something when we had just met.
"She doesn't seem like that." Tegan says.
"No. She's not anymore. She was just younger. We...were each other's firsts." I bite my lower lip, smiling at the memory of two fools having sex for the first time.
"Makes sense, I suppose. You haven't had any sexual experience before Emy? Like at all? Groping? Dry humping?" Tegan asks. I'm pretty sure I'm blushing, but I'm thankful I can't feel it nor see it.
"Well..." I don't know how to begin my story, but I clear my throat and decide I should start from five. "When I was five..."
"Dude, five all at once? Chill." Tegan interrupts me and I laugh.
"No, I didn't mean I had sexual experiences or whatever at five. You chill." I say and she laughs. "Okay, so I was five and I really liked my neighbor. I used to bite her a lot. Like I used to bite her arm until she cries. I don't know why I did it, but I think I was a fucked up sick kid according to my psychology books. I think I had some hidden sexual desire or something...Alright that went bad."
"Sara, oh my god." She's laughing at my bad choice of words, at my failed attempt to make a story properly told. "So that's why you bit me?" Her voice suddenly full of rasp.
"Shut up." I whine when I say it, she giggles. "I'm weird, I know. Christina was also my friend."
"What happened?" Tegan asks.
"Oh, she moved away." I sigh and pause, suddenly forgetting what I was going to say. But then Tegan's foot, playfully, rubs against my own and I snap out of it. "Oh ya, and then Rob moved in the house next to ours and he became my best friend since then."
"So you have your own version of Jeremy?"
"Rob is straight and he was in love with me all through our teenage years." I think I'm beginning to get sleepy again, but I feel like we do need this talk. We do need to get to know each other more. We need to be introduced to one another properly.
"Did you make out with him? He's the one who you let touch your boobs?" Tegan's crude mouth begins its hunt for any sexual information as usual.
"No. I was always into girls. I've never kissed a boy at all. My first kiss was when I was eleven with a friend. She's the one who I also made out with at fourteen and let her fondle my boobs and she let me fondle hers at fifteen. But then we broke up." Camellia was a nice girlfriend to me. We were both equally shy. We were both ready to take it slowly, but then she wanted what I was too uncomfortable to provide and so we ended it. It was simple, it broke my heart, but I got over it and I dated Riley. She was a cute tomboy and liked my long witch-like hair, according to her. Then we broke up because of the same reason. I was just not ready, they didn't push me, they understood, but they couldn't stay. Then I dated Emma and we had a fun time together, then we had to go to college, so we broke up. Then I dated Theresa, she broke my heart the most. She made fun of me, she mocked me for not wanting to be sexually involved with her, and she almost made some men take advantage of me. So that's why I really hate her.
Then Emy came, and I liked Emy so much and really wanted to be with her. Everything with her was natural to me. I asked her out one day and my heart leapt when she agreed. I was scared it's going to ruin our friendship, but I think we have that special bond not to let things get between us even now with our love ending. Sex with Emy just felt right, it came naturally as well. I was ready, physically, and emotionally, and she was ready, so it was the right time and she was the right person. But now things have changed, and the change is causing me this heartbreak and headache all at the same time. Now there's Tegan, and I don't know what to categorize her with. I want to give her what I gave Emy, but at the same time I'm not fully ready to do that. Plus, I don't see a future because of her own struggle as well, so I don't want to break what I have with Emy for temporary pleasure that will end in me falling for the wrong person and crying.
"How come you took a long time till you had sex?" Tegan interrupts my thoughts with her expected question.
"I wasn't ready." I give her a simple and a short answer. "With Emy I was." I give her more because I feel like she deserves to know.
"I respect you for that." She says and I do smile, but it also confuses me just a tad.
"I wanna ask you a question." She doesn't say anything, so I ask. "Am I attractive? Like is my body attractive?" She laughs, no, no, she snorts, like the pigish type of way, so I kick her foot. "I'm serious, be honest."
"Are you fucking serious?" She's laughing again, louder this time. I reach for her arm and squeeze. "Oww, you pinch and bite?"
"Come on, tell me."
"Sara!" She says it in confusion. "I was just fucking myself imagining you naked. There, do you want it like that?" I moan, against my will, and so we both stay silent. "You're attractive. You have a really good body." She assures me again.
"I don't see it." I let my insecurities out. "When I was taking a shower, I saw myself naked in the mirror and I almost cried. It's like I have a granny body. Full of stretch marks and cellulite."
"I have those as well." She says, a bit defensively. "That doesn't mean I have a bad body. That just means I'm a human being. A woman. It's normal." Her defensive tone is rising, and I can't help but feel that I have offended her body instead of mine.
"I wish I was that confident. The sole reason of Emy and I not having a proper sex life is because of my self-consciousness. I feel like if I let her see my body fully in clear light, she won't love having sex with me."
"There's a lot you need to know and learn." She kind of cuts me off. I stay silent. "To enjoy sex you have to love your body and appreciate what it can do."
"That's not necessary, I've enjoyed sex before." I fight back, the way I always do with Tegan. The way I always do when I feel like I'm threatened to be wronged.
"You just said you don't let her see your body fully. Like what do you guys exactly do? Barely anything that's fun, I bet. I know you love each other and apparently that's enough for you, but have you ever tried just memorizing every detail on the female body? Have you ever just looked at yours with appreciation and touched yourself in front of the mirror? No you haven't, but let me tell you, that's even hotter than porn itself."
"You're turned on by your own self?" I'm wrinkling my nose, imagining her doing what she has just said. I'm getting even more turned on, but I fail to see how it will turn me on to do the same.
"Well, not technically, but you get it right?" No, I don't. "Watching someone doing something to the body of the female. I know you'll attack me and call it objectifying and what's not, but that turns me on." I don't say anything, and I think she wants a response, but I don't know what to say. "All I'm saying is, if you want to be confident or experience more things with Emy, just start slowly, baby steps are good. Begin with what's comfortable and keep pushing, soon you'll find yourself glowing with sexual needs that you're not ashamed to apply."
"I'd like to talk to you more and more about sex but I think that I'll fall asleep at any second." And I think my clit is going to burst and I'm going to come just hearing Tegan's sleepy timbre whispering sexual words in my ears, there's only so much I can take before I give in and touch her where I want.
"I'm sorry, I forgot you're tired. We should sleep, I'm sleepy as well. Emy said she's coming early to check on you. Should I get back to my bed before she comes? We can't tell her about this, right?" I haven't thought about Emy, or this, whatever this is, but now my mind is suddenly alert once again.
"I'll handle it." I say, but that doesn't give a clear answer. "I'm not cheating. We're not touching. As long as we're not touching, it's not cheating." Even though I know I'm cheating myself, because emotional cheating is as well cheating, but how can I control my damn heart or vagina for wanting what it wants?
I start to gain consciousness when I hear the knocking on the door. I wake up fully when I hear the familiar voice of my girlfriend and the one I'm becoming used to of my...roommate. I open my eyes, and the first thing I notice is Tegan standing still in her undergarment and her bed hair and Emy facing her with a wide smile. Then I look beside me and notice that Tegan has moved her pillow and messed up her bed before letting Emy in. Or perhaps she could have returned to her bed at night. I swallow and feel the burn in my throat, this makes me groan, and so the two women look at me.
"Morning, Sare." Emy smiles and I smile back. "Brought tea." She walks to me and hands me my cup. I look at Tegan and she's already hugging her own with both hands. Emy also has one for her person. "How are you feeling?"
"Like shit." I rub my eyes and take a sip. "I'm not getting better, Emyyy."
"Back to the whining?" Emy sighs. "I can't do anything about it. Just put up with it, it will go." She moves her palm and rests it above my forehead. "I'll make you breakfast, you need to eat well before you take your medicine." My eyes shift towards Tegan. She's staring at us and drinking her tea. Emy notices and looks back at her. "Do you always sleep like that in front of my girlfriend?" Emy is checking Tegan out, so explicitly, and in front of me.
"She doesn't mind." Tegan, despite blushing, shrugs, and winks at my girlfriend.
"Hey, you two." I say with a scowl, but it seems that none of them is hearing me.
"Of course she doesn't mind. Why would she?" Okay, is Emy licking her lips? Oh yes definitely doing that. Tegan is now on my bed, smirking with all her mighty wickedness to my girlfriend. "Is that a piercing? Holy shit. Your nipples are pierced?" My eyes go wide and I take a sip after another even though my bladder is threatening to explode. I can't stop staring at both of them, or my girlfriend getting turned on staring at Tegan's breasts, nor can I stop getting turned on to the fact it's turning her on, and probably turning Tegan on. I don't know how, but that threesome must happen.
"Ya, wanna touch?" What? That evil bitch-faced ass. No.
"No." I interject.
"Yes." Emy says, already reaching her palm to cup Tegan's breast in front of my jealous eyes. Tegan is looking at me, smirking as evilly as she can. I'm looking at her with a scowl, but then I jump when I feel a hand cupping my own breast. I look down and watch my girlfriend cupping both our breasts. "You guys have the same boobs, except Tegan's nipple is pierced." Emy declares and we're both just staring at her. "What?"
"I can't believe you just said that." I say and feel a slight squeeze on my breast before she lets go of both of our breasts.
"What? What's so wrong about that? It doesn't need a scientist to see you guys have exactly the same body structure." Emy keeps making it worse, I don't know how, but she's making it awkward and I can feel Tegan getting so uncomfortable. Emy leans in and I find her hot breath on my earlobe. "No wonder you want that threesome. I'm actually thinking about it." I gulp, she does the same and I can feel it. Her palm brushes my thigh slightly and I shiver, twitch, and blush.
"So I'm going to ignore whatever just happened in here, or what's happening in here. I'll go shower, and you two...just take care of whatever you're...I don't know, just relieve your need." Tegan waves us off. If I didn't know better I'd say she doesn't care if I just fucked Emy right here while she's in the shower, but it's obvious that it's making her as angry as she was last night, which is why she made an excuse of showering, which will probably end up in her relieving her own desire.
"Alright, chipmunk, spell it out." Not with the stupid nickname again. I roll my eyes. "Sorry, I forgot. It's a cute nickname." She shows me her teeth and gums while smiling, thinking I'll forgive her with that. Well, I already did.
"Do you like it if I called you squirrel?" I take another sip. The hot drink easing both my throat and my aching tummy, but it's making me want to pee badly.
"You used to call me monkey." She frowns and glares, which makes me laugh. "Which is why I started calling you chipmunk, remember?" I do, but I won't admit it. "Anyway, just tell me."
"Tell you what?" I tilt my head to the side and yawn.
"One day, Sara Smith, while very, very, very drunk has bitten my neck and my upper arm while mouthing really, really, really naughty stuff in my ear. And we weren't dating. The bite stayed for two weeks. This morning, I find the same shape of teeth on her poor roommate's cheek. Care enough to explain?" Busted? Yes, definitely busted. Okay, Sara think of an excuse, what to say? What to say? Why am I scared? I should just tell her the truth, I did nothing. "Not to mention your bruised arm?" She lifts my arm, the one I forgot about, and the giant bruises from Tegan are still there. "What's going on? Please tell me. I won't be mad. I swear. Are you sleeping with her?"
"No." I shout immediately, causing her to almost spill her tea. "Hell no. I'm not cheating on you, Em. I swear I'm not." She nods.
"Remember when we promised to tell each other everything? Like every little thing?" We did, but some things are better left unsaid. I nod, however. "Okay, then tell me, please." I sigh. Is there any possibility of me getting away?
"We've been physically fighting." She nods as if it's no news. I assume she wants reasons. "I don't know why. It just happens. We get angry at each other. Like yesterday it all happened at once. I called her a pig and compared her to a man because..." She raises her brows, waiting for me to continue. "She flirts with me...Naughtily" Emy chuckles, and I feel bad because I'm basically putting all the blame on Tegan. "So she slapped me for doing that. And I slapped her back and we started hitting each other. So I bit her cheek and she punched my boob. Then we apologized to each other." And the rest is better left unsaid.
"You two like each other." Or said by Emy. Is it that obvious? "You like her, don't you?" If I say yes, I'm basically hurting Emy, or breaking up with her, I don't want that to happen. If I say no, I'm basically lying, and she can see it.
"More like sexually attracted to her." I admit the thin truth, the real, visible truth.
"I wouldn't blame you. We haven't had proper sex since ever." She shrugs. "Do you want us to break up?" Even though she asks, I can hear her heart screaming no. I also hear my mind screaming no.
"No." So I listen to her heart and my mind and sigh. "I don't want that. I need to give us a chance. Do you want to give us a chance?"
Her hand finds mine and she squeezes it. "I always want that." She whispers and leans in, before I could protest, she kisses my lips gently.
"Aren't you scared of getting sick?" I ask.
"Not anymore. I feel so attracted to you now you said the truth." Her cheeks begin to redden, and mine join her as well.
We're interrupted by Tegan leaving the bathroom, fully dressed and smells amazing. Despite her hair being wet, she wears her socks and her converse without saying a single word, and leaves. Emy looks at me and I'm not sure what to say.
"I'll make you breakfast." Emy sighs and we decide not to speak about Tegan and what has just happened.
Two hours pass, three hours go by, and Tegan doesn't come back. It's Sunday and Tegan doesn't have to work. Emy does her homework near to me and I watch a bit TV and try to waste time on my own homework. But of course I'm only thinking about everything that's not my homework. I think about everything that Tegan has said. I think of giving Emy chances and giving myself chances. I look at her and she's so occupied while I'm so bored. I look at the clock and wonder where Tegan is and how long she'll be gone.
"Let's have sex." I pronounce my thoughts before balancing them in my head. She looks at me and my eyes are wide, thinking of what has just come out of my mouth. "Ummm."
"Ya, let's have sex." She says it louder than me. Her books, mine, and everything on my bed is thrown on the floor.
"Emy, no." I say, looking at the mess.
"I'm the one who has been tidying this room, I make the rules." She smirks and is already crawling towards my body. But I don't let her make the rules. I barely let her do that when we're having sex anyway. "Get under the duvet." She whispers as we start getting ready for our ritual.
"No." She looks up at me. "Sit on my lap." I take a breath. "Don't take off your clothes." I help her body and position it on my weak thighs. I close my eyes and take a breath.
Here's what happened. We had sex. Emy is shocked. I am shocked. She sat on my lap and put my hands inside her pants and underwear. We made out while I made her come. Then it was my turn, and that was the hard part because I don't think she's ever seen me come in daylight. But I listened to Tegan's advice and let it happen. She did the same to me, except I wasn't on her lap. She kept staring at my face the whole time she was doing it. She was surprised I was wet and moaning. I was surprised as well. And I came in the right time, and it felt so good. So we had sex, and it wasn't the wild fun Tegan probably has, but I came, and that's more than enough. Plus, it's something new.
"Wow." Emy sighs. "You actually came. Now I don't have to worry your vagina isn't working properly."
"Emy!" I slap her arm while she's sleeping next to me. "Don't say these words." She rolls her eyes in a sportive way and leans in closer to my body. "Wait, don't touch me at all, we have to wash our hands." I don't look at her when I'm saying that. We barely speak about these things facing each other and the sun is shining. I'm super shy, and letting it all go at once is just too much.
"That's your come on my fingers." She moves her damp digits in front of my eyes. "You're so weird. Like I'm sure you finger yourself, why would you even be scared of your own fluids?" Before I could blink or comprehend what's going on, damned Emy takes her digits and puts them in her mouth. Sexually, and with a wink, she licks them clean.
"Oh my god." She laughs at me. "I'm not doing that to my fingers."
"I figured." She sighs and gets up. "Relax. You're all sexual and horny one second then shy and weirded out by everything the other. Doesn't make sense sometimes. But it's cute." She says as she walks to the bathroom and washes her hands. I follow and do the same.
Tegan returns after a bit. Too busy counting dollars to say hi to us. I think her only soulmate is money even though she mocks me for being daddy's girl. If we're being honest here, she's the only daddy's girl. I've never been given that much money in my own hands my whole life.
"I'm rich. Bless the gay gods." She lifts her money as if she's Rafiki lifting Simba.
"What are you gonna do with all this money?" Emy asks, gathering our books and putting them on my bed again.
"I wanna throw them on you while you do some stripping right now." She's scaring the shit out of my baby.
"Tegan." I scold and she cackles. This woman is so weird. She was eerily angry when she left and now she's flirting with my girlfriend...and not me.
"Okay, I wanna rent an apartment." She gives my girlfriend the real reason while rolling her eyes at me.
"I liked the first option." Emy says, sensually, and I raise my eyebrows, standing with hands on my hips while my girlfriend sways her hips right in front of my mortal enemy. I think I growled or did some weird sound when they both look at me. Malicious Tegan smirks and starts throwing her money at my girlfriend who is twirling stupidly around. They're both laughing, and I'm the only one scowling. I have to admit, it's funny and adorable and I like their friendship, but I'm jealous, of both. Jealous that Emy and Tegan can be so friendly together without the constant sexual tension that we're sharing, and jealous that Tegan is looking at Emy the way only I should be looking at her. One part of me is telling me to join their foolishness, one part is telling me to pull Emy away, and actually take her place and do it well, with seduction and real dancing, while Tegan throws her money at me. The other part is telling me to take my girlfriend away and ban Tegan from staring at her the way she's doing right now. The fourth part is torn between throwing both of them on the floor and fucking them both right now, and between standing still and seeing this as just a friendly thing friends do and I shouldn't be too worried or tensed about it. But what do I do? Nothing, I just stand there and stare at them all day. I smile at certain times when something stupid happens, and scowl at the other when I feel that Tegan is crossing the line. I'm not sure now if she's trying to make me jealous, or this is the usual sexual Tegan who's attracted to every hot girl she sees, and I can admit that my girlfriend is as hot as it can be.
I feel confused and torn, that's what I feel. The sex with Emy was refreshing, but the feelings are just not there. Yet I love her dearly, but I can't decipher this love. Is it just genuine love for a human being, or the real desire-filled love like the one I experienced before? All I know is that whatever I used to feel for Emy at the beginning of our relationship is now directed to Tegan, except with Tegan, comes anger and confusion that I can't as well find a reason for. If it's going to stay like that, I'm probably going to lose my mind.